FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Did I overreact?
Did I overreact?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Uninvited myself from my family's Christmas dinner yesterday because I just couldn't be arsed to deal with them anymore 
Since the start of this Xmas period two of my siblings have been intolerable. They've been rude about people's choices for their kids' gifts and ended up sending out wishlists so they could control exactly what people buy, and getting really arsey when we try to deviate from it. Every time I've tried to even just have a casual chat they nitpick something I say and turn it into a huge argument and I've ended up apologising for things I really shouldn't have had to.
Yesterday was the last straw, when one of them started being purposely malicious to me. I was already feeling like it wasn't going to be an enjoyable experience, but this cinched it so I announced I wasn't coming and left the group chat.
Now the question is, what do I do with all the gifts I bought for the kids? It's not their fault their parents are terrible people but at the same time I wanted to see them open them and know it came from me  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Family drama is normal at this time of year. But big respect for not taking crap from them. Sometimes you have to think of your own mental health and step away for a while x |
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That sounds pretty crap but like you say (kind of) it’s about the kids, if you wish to see them I’d go and see them and enjoy your siblings disapproval as the kids love the gifts you’ve got them.
Unless it’s a pitbull terrier of course.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don’t think you’ve overreacted. You want to take yourself out of a potentially stressful situation for your own good. Can’t argue with that.
Save the gifts for another time, it’ll be a bonus round of pressies when the storm passes. |
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Doesn't sound like like overreaction to me, if you attended anyway it sounds like you'd end up hating it and wishing you never turned up in the first place. Could you hand over your presents to a family member to pass out on your behalf?
If it were me I'd see if I could spend the day doing what I want instead or hanging with friends who maybe can't get home. And then visit the people you want to in the following days 
LvM |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Stand your ground. Can you post the presents or could a third party take them and have a little video opening?
If you keep putting up with crap they will keep dishing it out I'm afraid  |
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I'm not sure, as long as the items are sensible I think wishlists are a good idea because if you did deviate from it, what if you got something they didn't like? They're not going to use it and you wasted your money. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Doesn't sound like like overreaction to me, if you attended anyway it sounds like you'd end up hating it and wishing you never turned up in the first place. Could you hand over your presents to a family member to pass out on your behalf?
If it were me I'd see if I could spend the day doing what I want instead or hanging with friends who maybe can't get home. And then visit the people you want to in the following days
LvM"
Thanks, all my friends are at home with their families for Christmas so it would be a case of me spending the day on my own, but as we were planning to do it in the week, everything will be open anyway so I can easily just take myself out
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Let things calm for a day or two and then call a quiet meet where people get to speak without others interrupting so that each gets to know what the other thinks and feels.
After that people should be able to decide about Christmas on their own terms .
You should NOT simply 'tow the line' for the sake of peace.
If things aren't resolved you MUST deliver - in a friendly manner - the children's gifts and cards.
You bought them for the children and there was no proviso that they only get a gift if the adults are able to actually think of others at Christmas Time.
Leave the kids out of the shit that adults create.
I don't know the reason they want a list or my comments may be different. Maybe there is reason in their madness which could be found out by a pow wow.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Make up, lifes too short, believe me, I know"
I'd be more inclined to make up if a single one of them had reached out afterwards to ask me back. Including my parents, neither of whom have even brought it up - which wouldn't be so bad, except that I physically live with them. |
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N.B. There is no reason why they should fall out with you or you with them simply because you bought gifts of your own choosing.
People need to chill the fuck out..... They are not evil just too wrapped up in all the commercial shit..... the lovely perfect Christmas with the most angelic family.....
Go watch some Disney films. Seem to be the Bible of the day these days.
I'm atheist btw..... jftr. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Would stand your ground but would also ask if you can go around and watch the kids open they stuff as it wasn’t them to blame
Then slip away afterwords
Tell them your not hear for them but the kids |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Make up, lifes too short, believe me, I know
I'd be more inclined to make up if a single one of them had reached out afterwards to ask me back. Including my parents, neither of whom have even brought it up - which wouldn't be so bad, except that I physically live with them. "
If this was a guy, everyone would be saying not to let him treat you like this. Family don't get to treat you badly either. |
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Your siblings are that because of a chance in nature. You choose your friends because you enjoy their company, trust them and have the same interests. If you are sick of your sublings then cut them out and don't look back. You won't regret it. |
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"Make up, lifes too short, believe me, I know
I'd be more inclined to make up if a single one of them had reached out afterwards to ask me back. Including my parents, neither of whom have even brought it up - which wouldn't be so bad, except that I physically live with them. "
oops Amber..... this isn't pretty from my point of view |
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"Your siblings are that because of a chance in nature. You choose your friends because you enjoy their company, trust them and have the same interests. If you are sick of your sublings then cut them out and don't look back. You won't regret it. "
Totally ignore this ...... Christ we might argue with family but we shouldn't cut them out of our lives over a tiff.
If you truly hate them then fine but you wouldn't have posted this then.
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Nope. I’ve removed myself from family Christmas’s before as well. You could stay away completely but drop off presents beforehand, pop in for an hour in the morning to exchange presents but then make your excuses and leave or try and meet up with the kids at a later/earlier date on your own? Maybe leave it a few days before you decide and see how you feel? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Your siblings are that because of a chance in nature. You choose your friends because you enjoy their company, trust them and have the same interests. If you are sick of your sublings then cut them out and don't look back. You won't regret it.
Totally ignore this ...... Christ we might argue with family but we shouldn't cut them out of our lives over a tiff.
If you truly hate them then fine but you wouldn't have posted this then.
"
Yeah I don't see myself cutting them out forever... I just need a break.
I've done so much for them these past few years as well. Saved them hundreds, if not thousands, in babysitting fees - a lot of the time at super short notice. I can't help feeling that I'm viewed as "less important" and disposable because I'm the only one that's single and I don't have kids  |
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Yes they're being idiots but is it worth walking away?
I didn't speak to my dad for years. And it was a hard decision and had some massive consequences. But I do not regret it as it was over something worth the consequences to me. Is not speaking your family over some presents really worth it? You can have your say and buy whatever the heck you want for the kids, I'm sure they'll love them. Put the ball firmly in your siblings court, are they not going to talk to you because of the gifts you brought? |
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"Make up, lifes too short, believe me, I know
I'd be more inclined to make up if a single one of them had reached out afterwards to ask me back. Including my parents, neither of whom have even brought it up - which wouldn't be so bad, except that I physically live with them. "
Seeing the kids open their presents seems to come with a very big price to pay, spending time with people who seek to have really pissed you around.
Figure out what YOU would like to do for Christmas, and enjoy it.
A few years back I gave up on some family members and stopped making unnecessary compromises to fit in with them and put up with their shit. The upshot is that we see a lot less of each other now and get in better when we meet. I know the meetings are going to be relatively short, and that it will then be a good while before I see them again.
Stuff like WhatsApp groups makes ongoing communication with people like that much worse, as you don’t get those long breaks from one another for things that calm down. I got out of a family WhatsApp group because the stuff that a couple of people were posting on there was winding me up every day. Got out, noise stopped, head improved, life improved. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yes they're being idiots but is it worth walking away?
I didn't speak to my dad for years. And it was a hard decision and had some massive consequences. But I do not regret it as it was over something worth the consequences to me. Is not speaking your family over some presents really worth it? You can have your say and buy whatever the heck you want for the kids, I'm sure they'll love them. Put the ball firmly in your siblings court, are they not going to talk to you because of the gifts you brought? "
It's not just the gifts issue, it's that they've purposely said things to try and make me feel bad. Family shouldn't do that... |
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"Yes they're being idiots but is it worth walking away?
I didn't speak to my dad for years. And it was a hard decision and had some massive consequences. But I do not regret it as it was over something worth the consequences to me. Is not speaking your family over some presents really worth it? You can have your say and buy whatever the heck you want for the kids, I'm sure they'll love them. Put the ball firmly in your siblings court, are they not going to talk to you because of the gifts you brought? "
Doesn’t have to be all or nothing though, having to attend all family gatherings and out up with bullshit on social media etc,, the alternative being no contact at all.
There is a middle ground ... some visits, some communication. That’s definitely helped in my case. I am no longer exposed to the crap that was winding me up, and when I meet up with the family members in question, we actually have something to talk about as I haven’t read their hourly WhatsApp updates. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Give the presents to a kids charity and enjoy christmas with others.
I the parents get arsey about it tell them more deserving people got the gits instead |
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"Yes they're being idiots but is it worth walking away?
I didn't speak to my dad for years. And it was a hard decision and had some massive consequences. But I do not regret it as it was over something worth the consequences to me. Is not speaking your family over some presents really worth it? You can have your say and buy whatever the heck you want for the kids, I'm sure they'll love them. Put the ball firmly in your siblings court, are they not going to talk to you because of the gifts you brought?
It's not just the gifts issue, it's that they've purposely said things to try and make me feel bad. Family shouldn't do that... "
You have done the hard bit, and may be feeling a bit isolated right now. But you have to do what is right for you and your own happiness and sanity, too many people end up bullied into doing stuff that other people want to do at Christmas rather than prioritising their own enjoyment ... feeling they have to trek all over the loafer mountains visit various relatives, expectations and demands all over the place.
How many Christmasses do you have left in this life? Want to waste one of them? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes they're being idiots but is it worth walking away?
I didn't speak to my dad for years. And it was a hard decision and had some massive consequences. But I do not regret it as it was over something worth the consequences to me. Is not speaking your family over some presents really worth it? You can have your say and buy whatever the heck you want for the kids, I'm sure they'll love them. Put the ball firmly in your siblings court, are they not going to talk to you because of the gifts you brought?
It's not just the gifts issue, it's that they've purposely said things to try and make me feel bad. Family shouldn't do that... "
Stuff like what?
It won't harm not to go 1 year. I'd drop the presents off before so the kids get them.
Your parents might just not want an argument so won't say anything.
I can see the use of a wishlist so the kids get something they want/ not 3 of the same thing.
Maybe stop agreeing to be their babysitter so often if they are being arseholes. Or ignore the parents and just be there for the kids. |
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"Give the presents to a kids charity and enjoy christmas with others.
I the parents get arsey about it tell them more deserving people got the gits instead"
Nah. Drop the presents off or have them delivered. Let the kids enjoy the presents |
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"Yes they're being idiots but is it worth walking away?
I didn't speak to my dad for years. And it was a hard decision and had some massive consequences. But I do not regret it as it was over something worth the consequences to me. Is not speaking your family over some presents really worth it? You can have your say and buy whatever the heck you want for the kids, I'm sure they'll love them. Put the ball firmly in your siblings court, are they not going to talk to you because of the gifts you brought?
It's not just the gifts issue, it's that they've purposely said things to try and make me feel bad. Family shouldn't do that... "
Then that's the main issue not the presents. Some people say things that upset but don't really realise or understand that they have. My uncle used to upset me, I spoke to him and explained he was blinking mortified. And we've got an amazing relationship since then. I guess explain why it is you are upset and again allow them to come back and compromise with you. If not then you need to limit contact for your own emotional well-being. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Give the presents to a kids charity and enjoy christmas with others.
I the parents get arsey about it tell them more deserving people got the gits instead
Why punish the children"
there is a good chance the parents will have them spoiled for presents anyway. not likely to miss a couple more |
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"Give the presents to a kids charity and enjoy christmas with others.
I the parents get arsey about it tell them more deserving people got the gits instead
Why punish the children
there is a good chance the parents will have them spoiled for presents anyway. not likely to miss a couple more"
Does the 'giver' not matter ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds similar to something I’ve been through! I get exactly where your coming from. I’m regards to the children maybe drop the gifts off at your parents and gauge the convo or even bring it up see how that goes. What I will say Xmas is a lonely time of the year and from my experience please don’t be alone! Not saying make up for them reasons however as write many times above life is too short and sometimes it’s harder to come back from a disagreement the longer it’s left. Btw I’m pig headed so I know haha |
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"Give the presents to a kids charity and enjoy christmas with others.
I the parents get arsey about it tell them more deserving people got the gits instead
Why punish the children"
But Granny, the kids won't even notice, as they'll get plenty of presents!
Amber, from someone who knows what it's like to have toxic family members, have the Christmas YOU want. They won't change, so don't shut up & put up - take yourself away. If you've nowhere else to go on the day, volunteer or drop in on friends. I hope you sort things out x |
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Yeh. I would make up ... it is Christmas and as you say children shouldn't pay for the sins of the parents. So you've left the group... you know the details... you dont have to be part of a circus. Play the game for Christmas, but come new year... start as you mean to go on. X I wish you well x |
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"Yes they're being idiots but is it worth walking away?
I didn't speak to my dad for years. And it was a hard decision and had some massive consequences. But I do not regret it as it was over something worth the consequences to me. Is not speaking your family over some presents really worth it? You can have your say and buy whatever the heck you want for the kids, I'm sure they'll love them. Put the ball firmly in your siblings court, are they not going to talk to you because of the gifts you brought?
It's not just the gifts issue, it's that they've purposely said things to try and make me feel bad. Family shouldn't do that... "
That's family life |
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In the end its about whether it is worth it.
Just because someone is family, it does not give an enteral get out of jail free card.
I have different relationships with all my siblings, but if they did playground stuff like this then I would just let the relationship drift.
Relationships should be mutually supportive and beneficial.
Using a relationship to undermine others is not healthy, if it was a romantic relationship you might even call it coercive control.
Thankfully it's not something I've had to deal with, but I would have very little time for this.
Easier to do when you live many miles away. |
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How many Christmasses do you have left in this life? Want to waste one of them? "
I don’t personally think that spending Christmas alone, or away from your family is a waste- if that’s what you want. Maybe something unexpected would happen and it would be the last Xmas spent with someone- but if it was an unhappy and uncomfortable Xmas, and maybe arguments continued or got worse again on the day, is that the memory you’d want too?
OP don’t decide anything now, see what happens over the next week or so and how everyone feels. But I firmly believe that you don’t have to spend time with people just because you’re related to them, especially if they make you feel like crap. I cut my dad out of my life and everyone told me how much I’d regret it- I never once did. When he died everyone said it was going to hit me so hard because I’d cut him off and I’d feel awful- nearly 9 years later that’s never happened either. Only you can decide what’s best for you, and what you want in the long run, but don’t beat yourself up about it. Being appreciated and cared for is what’s important IMO. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Uninvited myself from my family's Christmas dinner yesterday because I just couldn't be arsed to deal with them anymore
Since the start of this Xmas period two of my siblings have been intolerable. They've been rude about people's choices for their kids' gifts and ended up sending out wishlists so they could control exactly what people buy, and getting really arsey when we try to deviate from it. Every time I've tried to even just have a casual chat they nitpick something I say and turn it into a huge argument and I've ended up apologising for things I really shouldn't have had to.
Yesterday was the last straw, when one of them started being purposely malicious to me. I was already feeling like it wasn't going to be an enjoyable experience, but this cinched it so I announced I wasn't coming and left the group chat.
Now the question is, what do I do with all the gifts I bought for the kids? It's not their fault their parents are terrible people but at the same time I wanted to see them open them and know it came from me "
Had the same thing last year, haven't spoken to them since December 2020. No intentions of either.
When family become difficult, malicious and baggage, I'm sorry but it's time to accept who they are and move on.
I don't think you've over reacted, just reached your breaking point and made a decision. Good on you I say!
Have a great Xmas! Ha ha
J x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
How many Christmasses do you have left in this life? Want to waste one of them?
I don’t personally think that spending Christmas alone, or away from your family is a waste- if that’s what you want. Maybe something unexpected would happen and it would be the last Xmas spent with someone- but if it was an unhappy and uncomfortable Xmas, and maybe arguments continued or got worse again on the day, is that the memory you’d want too?
OP don’t decide anything now, see what happens over the next week or so and how everyone feels. But I firmly believe that you don’t have to spend time with people just because you’re related to them, especially if they make you feel like crap. I cut my dad out of my life and everyone told me how much I’d regret it- I never once did. When he died everyone said it was going to hit me so hard because I’d cut him off and I’d feel awful- nearly 9 years later that’s never happened either. Only you can decide what’s best for you, and what you want in the long run, but don’t beat yourself up about it. Being appreciated and cared for is what’s important IMO."
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see to your own needs first is my advice!
toxic family behaviours don't have to be part of your festivities if they cause issues
life is not a rehearsal, spend the time doing things that lift the spirit and please the soul x
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Go do something else and walk away for a day and then see how you feel. A break is as good as a rest.
You could always go back and do a 'I feel.. Because' type message and then ask them how you all navigate the whole thing so no one feels anything negative over it and no one loses out.
That being said I cut my family off, over things that you just don't do or say in some some highly emotional subjects. If the crap outweighs the benefit its time to review it and maybe step back.
I agree with posters above though. It's not the kids fault the adults are bickering. Finding a way to make sure they are OK and don't lose out is the thing you'll have to work out the most as it sounds like they are important to you.
Hope you work it out. It's not an easy one.
PW |
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If it was me I would go along to give the children their presents but I wouldn’t stay for the meal, if it’s in the week and not actually Christmas Day then like you say you can find something else to do to be out the way. People get so stressed trying to make it the perfect holiday so stay for the fun bits and then take your leave |
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Look after yourself first and foremost.
I don't believe anyone should have to put up with being treated badly just because "it's family". Family is about more than just being related, it's caring and supporting each other.
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"
How many Christmasses do you have left in this life? Want to waste one of them?
I don’t personally think that spending Christmas alone, or away from your family is a waste- if that’s what you want. Maybe something unexpected would happen and it would be the last Xmas spent with someone- but if it was an unhappy and uncomfortable Xmas, and maybe arguments continued or got worse again on the day, is that the memory you’d want too?
OP don’t decide anything now, see what happens over the next week or so and how everyone feels. But I firmly believe that you don’t have to spend time with people just because you’re related to them, especially if they make you feel like crap. I cut my dad out of my life and everyone told me how much I’d regret it- I never once did. When he died everyone said it was going to hit me so hard because I’d cut him off and I’d feel awful- nearly 9 years later that’s never happened either. Only you can decide what’s best for you, and what you want in the long run, but don’t beat yourself up about it. Being appreciated and cared for is what’s important IMO."
Hi. I was suggesting the exact opposite ... that sacrificing Christmas to sit there with the family, biting her tongue and putting up with them, would be a waste. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.
I completely agree that she should do what makes her happy this Christmas, instead of signing up for gatherings that she knows she will hate, just to keep the peace. |
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"For the childrens sake I'd make up and have a talk with the family. You need to get across how upset you are. It's important, specially this time of the year, for children to have happy memories."
It’s pretty important for adults to have happy memories too; and OP is clearly not happy with the prospect of Christmas with her family. |
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"Look after yourself first and foremost.
I don't believe anyone should have to put up with being treated badly just because "it's family". Family is about more than just being related, it's caring and supporting each other.
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Uninvited myself from my family's Christmas dinner yesterday because I just couldn't be arsed to deal with them anymore
Since the start of this Xmas period two of my siblings have been intolerable. They've been rude about people's choices for their kids' gifts and ended up sending out wishlists so they could control exactly what people buy, and getting really arsey when we try to deviate from it. Every time I've tried to even just have a casual chat they nitpick something I say and turn it into a huge argument and I've ended up apologising for things I really shouldn't have had to.
Yesterday was the last straw, when one of them started being purposely malicious to me. I was already feeling like it wasn't going to be an enjoyable experience, but this cinched it so I announced I wasn't coming and left the group chat.
Now the question is, what do I do with all the gifts I bought for the kids? It's not their fault their parents are terrible people but at the same time I wanted to see them open them and know it came from me "
You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family... Tough one really, you could always send the presents in the post, or just drop them round to where the day is being held... Xx |
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"Uninvited myself from my family's Christmas dinner yesterday because I just couldn't be arsed to deal with them anymore
Since the start of this Xmas period two of my siblings have been intolerable. They've been rude about people's choices for their kids' gifts and ended up sending out wishlists so they could control exactly what people buy, and getting really arsey when we try to deviate from it. Every time I've tried to even just have a casual chat they nitpick something I say and turn it into a huge argument and I've ended up apologising for things I really shouldn't have had to.
Yesterday was the last straw, when one of them started being purposely malicious to me. I was already feeling like it wasn't going to be an enjoyable experience, but this cinched it so I announced I wasn't coming and left the group chat.
Now the question is, what do I do with all the gifts I bought for the kids? It's not their fault their parents are terrible people but at the same time I wanted to see them open them and know it came from me "
I don't know if this will be any help but a close friend of mine gave me some amazing advice once that worked really well.
I had an awful conversation with a family member who is used to critisising me and being negative. This time I reached my limit. My friend advised me to have a conversation on the phone and give them a choice - they can have a warm and close relationship with me if they stop talking to me disrespectfully or they can have a cold and obligatory only (the bare minimum) relationship if they continue. It is their choice.
I had such a conversation, it was not easy and the person kept trying to derail it with snide comments however I gave that choice, remained on topic and said goodbye. It was not well received but another family member supported me behind the lines by making a small comment along the lines of "so don't interfere".
In any case, the problematic family member improved their behaviour and we had no problems since. Of course, this was not the first time and I have already stopped contact for about half a year before.
Obviously, this type of boundary setting can only work if they care and if they want to be close to you (or if they want to have the benefit of relantionship with you such a babysitting). In my case, the person cared for a closer relationship but they also knew that I mean business so I guess both of these aspects helped.
Family situations are complex but I wonder if this sort of advice might be a workable solution or at least something to consider when looking at things from a different angle.
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Hi. I was suggesting the exact opposite ... that sacrificing Christmas to sit there with the family, biting her tongue and putting up with them, would be a waste. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.
I completely agree that she should do what makes her happy this Christmas, instead of signing up for gatherings that she knows she will hate, just to keep the peace. "
No worries! Always difficult to be 100% sure with written messages |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Uninvited myself from my family's Christmas dinner yesterday because I just couldn't be arsed to deal with them anymore
Since the start of this Xmas period two of my siblings have been intolerable. They've been rude about people's choices for their kids' gifts and ended up sending out wishlists so they could control exactly what people buy, and getting really arsey when we try to deviate from it. Every time I've tried to even just have a casual chat they nitpick something I say and turn it into a huge argument and I've ended up apologising for things I really shouldn't have had to.
Yesterday was the last straw, when one of them started being purposely malicious to me. I was already feeling like it wasn't going to be an enjoyable experience, but this cinched it so I announced I wasn't coming and left the group chat.
Now the question is, what do I do with all the gifts I bought for the kids? It's not their fault their parents are terrible people but at the same time I wanted to see them open them and know it came from me "
Well done on taking a stand, if you can’t enjoy Christmas (which is only one day, & nothing to get stressed about) then don’t, get yourself off somewhere you will enjoy it, or team up with a friend who perhaps usually spends it alone.
I have a friend who does, she has no living family left, apart from half siblings who are in Australia. She’s kind enough to take my cats for a week while I’m away visiting family for Christmas.
As for the gifts, if you’re siblings are being bitchy about what you’ve bought, give them to a children’s charity where undoubtedly they would otherwise get none.
Next year your family will realise you can’t be goaded into buying from their wish list presents |
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I dunno if you want to actually be told what to do with the gifts or you want advice about the situation, but I’ll say this
We buy gifts to see people happy. We sacrifice money we’ve earned to see them happy
I hate Christmas at mine. Me and my family don’t get along great and it’s always a day I wish I could skip
My gift to my mum every year is putting on a brand face and turning up and trying to enjoy myself. Because she means the world to me and I can endure anything to make her happy. And I know she’s happy when she gets to see me.
If you don’t want to go, don’t. But don’t let the few bad things ruin your time and potentially someone else’s.
Your company might be the best gift someone gets this Christmas. Don’t take that away |
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"Your siblings are that because of a chance in nature. You choose your friends because you enjoy their company, trust them and have the same interests. If you are sick of your sublings then cut them out and don't look back. You won't regret it.
Totally ignore this ...... Christ we might argue with family but we shouldn't cut them out of our lives over a tiff.
If you truly hate them then fine but you wouldn't have posted this then.
"
My brother stole thousands from me and deliberately alienated my mother by lieing about me right up to her death; all for financial gain. None of my friends have ever done anything like that. If you have good siblings, then great. Others don't, so you need to understand their situation and if justified by the circumstances accept some will disassociate from them. |
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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago
STOKE ON TRENT |
"I dunno if you want to actually be told what to do with the gifts or you want advice about the situation, but I’ll say this
We buy gifts to see people happy. We sacrifice money we’ve earned to see them happy
I hate Christmas at mine. Me and my family don’t get along great and it’s always a day I wish I could skip
My gift to my mum every year is putting on a brand face and turning up and trying to enjoy myself. Because she means the world to me and I can endure anything to make her happy. And I know she’s happy when she gets to see me.
If you don’t want to go, don’t. But don’t let the few bad things ruin your time and potentially someone else’s.
Your company might be the best gift someone gets this Christmas. Don’t take that away "
Love a brand face what brand are you today
 |
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"I dunno if you want to actually be told what to do with the gifts or you want advice about the situation, but I’ll say this
We buy gifts to see people happy. We sacrifice money we’ve earned to see them happy
I hate Christmas at mine. Me and my family don’t get along great and it’s always a day I wish I could skip
My gift to my mum every year is putting on a brand face and turning up and trying to enjoy myself. Because she means the world to me and I can endure anything to make her happy. And I know she’s happy when she gets to see me.
If you don’t want to go, don’t. But don’t let the few bad things ruin your time and potentially someone else’s.
Your company might be the best gift someone gets this Christmas. Don’t take that away
Love a brand face what brand are you today
"
Cilit bang |
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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago
STOKE ON TRENT |
"I dunno if you want to actually be told what to do with the gifts or you want advice about the situation, but I’ll say this
We buy gifts to see people happy. We sacrifice money we’ve earned to see them happy
I hate Christmas at mine. Me and my family don’t get along great and it’s always a day I wish I could skip
My gift to my mum every year is putting on a brand face and turning up and trying to enjoy myself. Because she means the world to me and I can endure anything to make her happy. And I know she’s happy when she gets to see me.
If you don’t want to go, don’t. But don’t let the few bad things ruin your time and potentially someone else’s.
Your company might be the best gift someone gets this Christmas. Don’t take that away
Love a brand face what brand are you today
Cilit bang "
I'm ready |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
That’s really sad , I can relate a bit families can be really hard work. I guess you need to tell them how you really feel and see if you can resolve it and if not but you care about the kids and want to be a positive influence / role model Aunty in their lives then you will have to tolerate at least some unpleasantness until they are older. It’s not any easy decision |
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Exactly why i am becoming a hermit for xmas - the pressure put on people to get gifts and be perfect from decorations to dinner - just cant be arsed with it - if you’re important to me - you already know it because i tell you and i dont have to buy you something to show it - i give you the most precious thing i have - my time. Stick your xbox station fifa up your arse - happy xmas!!  |
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By *otMe66Man
over a year ago
Terra Firma |
"Your siblings are that because of a chance in nature. You choose your friends because you enjoy their company, trust them and have the same interests. If you are sick of your sublings then cut them out and don't look back. You won't regret it.
Totally ignore this ...... Christ we might argue with family but we shouldn't cut them out of our lives over a tiff.
If you truly hate them then fine but you wouldn't have posted this then.
Yeah I don't see myself cutting them out forever... I just need a break.
I've done so much for them these past few years as well. Saved them hundreds, if not thousands, in babysitting fees - a lot of the time at super short notice. I can't help feeling that I'm viewed as "less important" and disposable because I'm the only one that's single and I don't have kids "
I think the "viewed as less important" comment is a key factor in how you are feeling right now and walking away from the group gave you a brief feeling of control.
Give yourself a couple of days to clear your head, maybe take a look online at assertiveness it is a great tool.
If you still feel the same about your situation after a couple of days, put a line in the sand and let them know what your Christmas plans will be as you will hopefully have a much better idea yourself.
All my advice is quackery, but I do hope things workout for you and you have a great xmas  |
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"Exactly why i am becoming a hermit for xmas - the pressure put on people to get gifts and be perfect from decorations to dinner - just cant be arsed with it - if you’re important to me - you already know it because i tell you and i dont have to buy you something to show it - i give you the most precious thing i have - my time. Stick your xbox station fifa up your arse - happy xmas!! "
I’m not far off the same. I spend quality time with my family either a month before Christmas or shortly afterwards, usually, and lie low for the Christmas period. On Christmas Day, I love going for a walk on the riverbank, I do that most years. |
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"Christmas is a time for
Forgiveness
Following the last couple of years
We should live life to our own drum beat
Time waits for no one so
Hug
Love
Eat
And be
Merry x"
Hug, love and eat Mary.
Got it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Uninvited myself from my family's Christmas dinner yesterday because I just couldn't be arsed to deal with them anymore
Since the start of this Xmas period two of my siblings have been intolerable. They've been rude about people's choices for their kids' gifts and ended up sending out wishlists so they could control exactly what people buy, and getting really arsey when we try to deviate from it. Every time I've tried to even just have a casual chat they nitpick something I say and turn it into a huge argument and I've ended up apologising for things I really shouldn't have had to.
Yesterday was the last straw, when one of them started being purposely malicious to me. I was already feeling like it wasn't going to be an enjoyable experience, but this cinched it so I announced I wasn't coming and left the group chat.
Now the question is, what do I do with all the gifts I bought for the kids? It's not their fault their parents are terrible people but at the same time I wanted to see them open them and know it came from me "
it's family you can't choose family only friends ...send the presents. Then just walk away and smile life can be much happier when you decide who should share it with you. Life is to short and sometimes you can be happy without some people in your life xx |
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By *akie32Man
over a year ago
winchester |
"Uninvited myself from my family's Christmas dinner yesterday because I just couldn't be arsed to deal with them anymore
Since the start of this Xmas period two of my siblings have been intolerable. They've been rude about people's choices for their kids' gifts and ended up sending out wishlists so they could control exactly what people buy, and getting really arsey when we try to deviate from it. Every time I've tried to even just have a casual chat they nitpick something I say and turn it into a huge argument and I've ended up apologising for things I really shouldn't have had to.
Yesterday was the last straw, when one of them started being purposely malicious to me. I was already feeling like it wasn't going to be an enjoyable experience, but this cinched it so I announced I wasn't coming and left the group chat.
Now the question is, what do I do with all the gifts I bought for the kids? It's not their fault their parents are terrible people but at the same time I wanted to see them open them and know it came from me "
if it was me, i would keep my distance and post the presants adressed to the kids, happens alot from family abroard and is perfectly ok,
Years ago in our family we all agreed to not do presants to each other, as it was getting crazy expensive, and some had more kids than others, so it wasnt an even playing field, we dont often meet up over christmas due to distance, plus we arent really a close family, all of us were adopted and have little in common, so it works for us, if we do meet up, then its a token presant for the kids and thats it, everyone gets this and understands why, even the kids.
one year i had to buy over 30 presants for family, and that gets stupidly expensive, hence us having the agreement, and all the family said, thank god you raised the subject, and all jumped to agree. |
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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago
STOKE ON TRENT |
"Christmas is a time for
Forgiveness
Following the last couple of years
We should live life to our own drum beat
Time waits for no one so
Hug
Love
Eat
And be
Merry x
Hug, love and eat Mary.
Got it! "
I'm Yasmeen not Mary |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Thank you for all your advice xx
To update : I've just spoken to my parents about it and they agree that the way I was spoken to was completely out of line and even sibling no.2 (who has also been shitty recently) rang them this morning to say how shocked they were at what went down in the group chat. It's completely understood why I'll be missing this year and I'm not expected to have to come
Annoyed that I was the one to have to start the discussion about it instead of them having my back but there we go...
As for the presents, I'm gonna adopt a "wait and see" approach to see how things turn out. They've got a week left to apologise but even then I don't think I'm feeling it this year. Bah humbug! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I would still go and don't get into an argument, especially if kids are about.
Just agree to everything they say or do that day, then don't do anthing you'd agreed to the day after |
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By *akie32Man
over a year ago
winchester |
"Thank you for all your advice xx
To update : I've just spoken to my parents about it and they agree that the way I was spoken to was completely out of line and even sibling no.2 (who has also been shitty recently) rang them this morning to say how shocked they were at what went down in the group chat. It's completely understood why I'll be missing this year and I'm not expected to have to come
Annoyed that I was the one to have to start the discussion about it instead of them having my back but there we go...
As for the presents, I'm gonna adopt a "wait and see" approach to see how things turn out. They've got a week left to apologise but even then I don't think I'm feeling it this year. Bah humbug! "
shame its made you feel this way, but dont let idiot parents spoil it for the kids, send the kids thier presants, as my previous post, and rest back knowing youve done the right thing, chin up, this is why i hate this time of year, so much pressure on everyone |
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"Thank you for all your advice xx
To update : I've just spoken to my parents about it and they agree that the way I was spoken to was completely out of line and even sibling no.2 (who has also been shitty recently) rang them this morning to say how shocked they were at what went down in the group chat. It's completely understood why I'll be missing this year and I'm not expected to have to come
Annoyed that I was the one to have to start the discussion about it instead of them having my back but there we go...
As for the presents, I'm gonna adopt a "wait and see" approach to see how things turn out. They've got a week left to apologise but even then I don't think I'm feeling it this year. Bah humbug! "
I'm glad you've had a conversation about it. You can always pass the presents on via your parents if things aren't resolved.
You don't have to accept being treated badly by family just because they're family, at Christmas or at any other time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Try and resolve it. Cause in the end you will just feel like shit for not being the bigger person. Assholes are not considerate, they are never the bigger person in these situations that's why they are asreholes.
Just go, smile, nod, enjoy yourself as much as you can and take a dump in their kettle before you go leave. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not sure, as long as the items are sensible I think wishlists are a good idea because if you did deviate from it, what if you got something they didn't like? They're not going to use it and you wasted your money."
I agree with this |
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"Your siblings are that because of a chance in nature. You choose your friends because you enjoy their company, trust them and have the same interests. If you are sick of your sublings then cut them out and don't look back. You won't regret it.
Totally ignore this ...... Christ we might argue with family but we shouldn't cut them out of our lives over a tiff.
If you truly hate them then fine but you wouldn't have posted this then.
My brother stole thousands from me and deliberately alienated my mother by lieing about me right up to her death; all for financial gain. None of my friends have ever done anything like that. If you have good siblings, then great. Others don't, so you need to understand their situation and if justified by the circumstances accept some will disassociate from them. "
I don't need to understand that.
I was talking to the O.P.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm not sure, as long as the items are sensible I think wishlists are a good idea because if you did deviate from it, what if you got something they didn't like? They're not going to use it and you wasted your money.
I agree with this "
It wasn't their presents, it was the kids'. I appreciate not wasting money on things they can't use, but their reaction at suggesting anything other than what was on the list - you'd have thought I'd suggested they sell their firstborn or something  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I dont think it was an overreaction from you, you would hope maybe it was your family overreacting or possibly full of the stress of christmas, buts thats not your cross to bear. Money, gifts or christmas seems to bring out the worst in families. Gifts lists also make me a bit prickly, if you prescribe to gift giving if is the whole art of choosing something from you to them that you have put thought in, rather than pick from a drop down list of 'I want'. It would be a shame for the children if they get on well with you to miss you at christmas but equally if you are unhappy being there, you shouldnt have to go. Families are a massive pain at christmas. |
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OP , have just read your original and some recent posts . You look like you love Christmas ( your first two pics you’re in a Santa suit lol ! ) so let the family stew for a bit , but don’t miss out on Christmas and seeing the kids faces as they open the pressies YOU have picked for them x |
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"Your siblings are that because of a chance in nature. You choose your friends because you enjoy their company, trust them and have the same interests. If you are sick of your sublings then cut them out and don't look back. You won't regret it.
Totally ignore this ...... Christ we might argue with family but we shouldn't cut them out of our lives over a tiff.
If you truly hate them then fine but you wouldn't have posted this then.
My brother stole thousands from me and deliberately alienated my mother by lieing about me right up to her death; all for financial gain. None of my friends have ever done anything like that. If you have good siblings, then great. Others don't, so you need to understand their situation and if justified by the circumstances accept some will disassociate from them.
I don't need to understand that.
I was talking to the O.P.
"
You responded to my post. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I think from the outside it sounds kind of petty and a stupid thing to fall out over. But maybe it runs deeper when you know all the information about how your family works.
Speaking as someone who comes from a very toxic family I completely understand why you'd remove yourself from the situation. But, if you have any doubts and have a happy and healthy sibling relationship overall then maybe reconsider if you can fix it but don't apologise because that should come from them. If not, maybe just drop the presents off yourself when you have the chance so the kids know it's from you. |
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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago
yumsville |
Maybe stick to you guns and say any presents have already been bought.
If it's still an issue give your presents to another family member who's going so the kids at least will receive them from you. |
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I do understand what you mean and how you feel. I have a first hand experience of that. The ones who always make themselves available to family is theodt neglected of them all. You only become useful when they need you.
Now, they are family, I readwhere you said you don't want to cut them out forever. That's very sweet to read and it shows the sort of goodhearted person you are. However, would you be sacrifice your sanity on the altar of family unity? That's your choice to make.
My advice would be: if you have taken yourself out for any reason, someone has to reach out to you to ask you back into the group. If no one has made an effort then (sorry, but) you don't mean a lot to them. So, since you said you don't want to cut them out forever, how do you intend to get back in? Any relationship (be it family, marriage, relationship, fwb) where you are made to feel you do not matter, walk out! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I do understand what you mean and how you feel. I have a first hand experience of that. The ones who always make themselves available to family is theodt neglected of them all. You only become useful when they need you.
Now, they are family, I readwhere you said you don't want to cut them out forever. That's very sweet to read and it shows the sort of goodhearted person you are. However, would you be sacrifice your sanity on the altar of family unity? That's your choice to make.
My advice would be: if you have taken yourself out for any reason, someone has to reach out to you to ask you back into the group. If no one has made an effort then (sorry, but) you don't mean a lot to them. So, since you said you don't want to cut them out forever, how do you intend to get back in? Any relationship (be it family, marriage, relationship, fwb) where you are made to feel you do not matter, walk out!"
To be fair sibling no.2 has checked in with me this evening to see if I was okay and apologised for not intervening. They don't want to get dragged into it and ruin Christmas for their kids, which I do understand. They did say, however, that reading what was being said to me made them really uncomfortable and they totally get why I'm not coming. I'm hoping that's why no one asked me to change my mind... |
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Have a Christmas tea party just for the kids. Adults can drop them off and pick them up and it’s just between you and the kids
I hope you enjoy your distraction free Christmas, sometimes it’s easier with friends x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Thanks for the advice everyone. Apologies I haven't been able to reply to you all but I am taking on board what's being said. I'm going to make sure the kids still get their presents, but as for Christmas I'm just going to take a break from it. There's other things going on in my life stressing me out and I think having to grin and bear it is just going to exacerbate my recent low mood.
Hopefully next year will be a better one |
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By *ionaWoman
over a year ago
outskirts |
"Thanks for the advice everyone. Apologies I haven't been able to reply to you all but I am taking on board what's being said. I'm going to make sure the kids still get their presents, but as for Christmas I'm just going to take a break from it. There's other things going on in my life stressing me out and I think having to grin and bear it is just going to exacerbate my recent low mood.
Hopefully next year will be a better one "
You do what feels best for you. Life is way ro short to put up with other people making you feel like crap. We have to do what's needed for our own mental health every now and again. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Thanks for the advice everyone. Apologies I haven't been able to reply to you all but I am taking on board what's being said. I'm going to make sure the kids still get their presents, but as for Christmas I'm just going to take a break from it. There's other things going on in my life stressing me out and I think having to grin and bear it is just going to exacerbate my recent low mood.
Hopefully next year will be a better one
You do what feels best for you. Life is way ro short to put up with other people making you feel like crap. We have to do what's needed for our own mental health every now and again. "
Thank you x
Not gonna lie I've really been struggling lately and that might be adding to it. If I was feeling a bit better I might be able to rise above all this, but I just can't fucking deal right now |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is everything I hate about Christmas.
It should be a time of love, a time of fun seeing the children open pressies, no matter what they are!
It has become far too commercialised!
I say be brave, stick to what you’ve got them, take them around and focus on the kids and get your enjoyment from watching them. |
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By *ionaWoman
over a year ago
outskirts |
"Thanks for the advice everyone. Apologies I haven't been able to reply to you all but I am taking on board what's being said. I'm going to make sure the kids still get their presents, but as for Christmas I'm just going to take a break from it. There's other things going on in my life stressing me out and I think having to grin and bear it is just going to exacerbate my recent low mood.
Hopefully next year will be a better one
You do what feels best for you. Life is way ro short to put up with other people making you feel like crap. We have to do what's needed for our own mental health every now and again.
Thank you x
Not gonna lie I've really been struggling lately and that might be adding to it. If I was feeling a bit better I might be able to rise above all this, but I just can't fucking deal right now "
If your already struggling them make sure that you talk to someone. Share your problems with them and do what feels best for you at Christmas. |
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Turn up and give them the presents, but do it either in the morning before they have been at the sherry, or later on when they have finished off the sherry.
Either way it could be world war 3, it depends on your family. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Leave it until the new year, seems like they are being knows and then you might get some appreciation, if not just leave it, they need to have some respect and not take you for granted ! |
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Buy the gifts that you want to buy them and what you can afford to buy them.
The present is for the child to enjoy not the parents.
Its the gift in the present that counts weather its a small item or in a few items
If they want to give present lists to buy, Then my comment would be then you go out and buy them.
Of coarse you can always use part of the list but thats your choice.
No point in arguing over it and if they want to argue what you bought there children on christmas day.
Remind them that the present is for there children not themselves |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
Awwwwww, it sounds like you've been really tolerant of their behaviour for a while. Sometimes you just get sick of always doing the running. I've had that with my sister, I still chat to her kids although they are older than your nieces and nephews sound.
If I was you I would give it a few days, phone her and say you're upset but would like to drop the kids presents off. |
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It sounds like you have a very different personality to your siblings and you take whatever is thrown at you, don't stick up for yourself and take everything to heart. Being annoyed at your sibling is perfectly normal. Leaving a group chat and not wanting to give your nieces and nephew's their presents and eliminate yourself from Xmas is a massive over reaction
Start sticking up for yourself
R |
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By *WDomMan
over a year ago
Taunton |
"I do understand what you mean and how you feel. I have a first hand experience of that. The ones who always make themselves available to family is theodt neglected of them all. You only become useful when they need you.
Now, they are family, I readwhere you said you don't want to cut them out forever. That's very sweet to read and it shows the sort of goodhearted person you are. However, would you be sacrifice your sanity on the altar of family unity? That's your choice to make.
My advice would be: if you have taken yourself out for any reason, someone has to reach out to you to ask you back into the group. If no one has made an effort then (sorry, but) you don't mean a lot to them. So, since you said you don't want to cut them out forever, how do you intend to get back in? Any relationship (be it family, marriage, relationship, fwb) where you are made to feel you do not matter, walk out!
To be fair sibling no.2 has checked in with me this evening to see if I was okay and apologised for not intervening. They don't want to get dragged into it and ruin Christmas for their kids, which I do understand. They did say, however, that reading what was being said to me made them really uncomfortable and they totally get why I'm not coming. I'm hoping that's why no one asked me to change my mind... "
So both your parents and sibling 2 think sibling 1 is unreasonable? How come its you missing out and not sibling 1? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I do understand what you mean and how you feel. I have a first hand experience of that. The ones who always make themselves available to family is theodt neglected of them all. You only become useful when they need you.
Now, they are family, I readwhere you said you don't want to cut them out forever. That's very sweet to read and it shows the sort of goodhearted person you are. However, would you be sacrifice your sanity on the altar of family unity? That's your choice to make.
My advice would be: if you have taken yourself out for any reason, someone has to reach out to you to ask you back into the group. If no one has made an effort then (sorry, but) you don't mean a lot to them. So, since you said you don't want to cut them out forever, how do you intend to get back in? Any relationship (be it family, marriage, relationship, fwb) where you are made to feel you do not matter, walk out!
To be fair sibling no.2 has checked in with me this evening to see if I was okay and apologised for not intervening. They don't want to get dragged into it and ruin Christmas for their kids, which I do understand. They did say, however, that reading what was being said to me made them really uncomfortable and they totally get why I'm not coming. I'm hoping that's why no one asked me to change my mind...
So both your parents and sibling 2 think sibling 1 is unreasonable? How come its you missing out and not sibling 1?"
Because S1 is hosting. And I'm the only one that doesn't have kids also I wasn't asked not to come, I decided that myself. |
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"I do understand what you mean and how you feel. I have a first hand experience of that. The ones who always make themselves available to family is theodt neglected of them all. You only become useful when they need you.
Now, they are family, I readwhere you said you don't want to cut them out forever. That's very sweet to read and it shows the sort of goodhearted person you are. However, would you be sacrifice your sanity on the altar of family unity? That's your choice to make.
My advice would be: if you have taken yourself out for any reason, someone has to reach out to you to ask you back into the group. If no one has made an effort then (sorry, but) you don't mean a lot to them. So, since you said you don't want to cut them out forever, how do you intend to get back in? Any relationship (be it family, marriage, relationship, fwb) where you are made to feel you do not matter, walk out!
To be fair sibling no.2 has checked in with me this evening to see if I was okay and apologised for not intervening. They don't want to get dragged into it and ruin Christmas for their kids, which I do understand. They did say, however, that reading what was being said to me made them really uncomfortable and they totally get why I'm not coming. I'm hoping that's why no one asked me to change my mind...
So both your parents and sibling 2 think sibling 1 is unreasonable? How come its you missing out and not sibling 1?"
Her nieces and nephews aren't going to see their aunt at Xmas so they'll miss out too
R |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Sometimes, someone just has to be the bigger person.
If it really means a lot to you to spend Christmas with your nieces and nephews, then that person should be you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I do understand what you mean and how you feel. I have a first hand experience of that. The ones who always make themselves available to family is theodt neglected of them all. You only become useful when they need you.
Now, they are family, I readwhere you said you don't want to cut them out forever. That's very sweet to read and it shows the sort of goodhearted person you are. However, would you be sacrifice your sanity on the altar of family unity? That's your choice to make.
My advice would be: if you have taken yourself out for any reason, someone has to reach out to you to ask you back into the group. If no one has made an effort then (sorry, but) you don't mean a lot to them. So, since you said you don't want to cut them out forever, how do you intend to get back in? Any relationship (be it family, marriage, relationship, fwb) where you are made to feel you do not matter, walk out!
To be fair sibling no.2 has checked in with me this evening to see if I was okay and apologised for not intervening. They don't want to get dragged into it and ruin Christmas for their kids, which I do understand. They did say, however, that reading what was being said to me made them really uncomfortable and they totally get why I'm not coming. I'm hoping that's why no one asked me to change my mind...
So both your parents and sibling 2 think sibling 1 is unreasonable? How come its you missing out and not sibling 1?
Her nieces and nephews aren't going to see their aunt at Xmas so they'll miss out too
R"
To be honest I see them quite frequently throughout the year so it's not a huge deal. Anyway, half of them are still too small to know I exist and the other half will be too wrapped up in their new toys and playing with each other to notice. I think they'll be fine. |
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"I do understand what you mean and how you feel. I have a first hand experience of that. The ones who always make themselves available to family is theodt neglected of them all. You only become useful when they need you.
Now, they are family, I readwhere you said you don't want to cut them out forever. That's very sweet to read and it shows the sort of goodhearted person you are. However, would you be sacrifice your sanity on the altar of family unity? That's your choice to make.
My advice would be: if you have taken yourself out for any reason, someone has to reach out to you to ask you back into the group. If no one has made an effort then (sorry, but) you don't mean a lot to them. So, since you said you don't want to cut them out forever, how do you intend to get back in? Any relationship (be it family, marriage, relationship, fwb) where you are made to feel you do not matter, walk out!
To be fair sibling no.2 has checked in with me this evening to see if I was okay and apologised for not intervening. They don't want to get dragged into it and ruin Christmas for their kids, which I do understand. They did say, however, that reading what was being said to me made them really uncomfortable and they totally get why I'm not coming. I'm hoping that's why no one asked me to change my mind...
So both your parents and sibling 2 think sibling 1 is unreasonable? How come its you missing out and not sibling 1?
Her nieces and nephews aren't going to see their aunt at Xmas so they'll miss out too
R
To be honest I see them quite frequently throughout the year so it's not a huge deal. Anyway, half of them are still too small to know I exist and the other half will be too wrapped up in their new toys and playing with each other to notice. I think they'll be fine. "
If you see them a lot then you not going will be even more noticeable but it's up to you if you don't want to swallow your pride. Enjoy Xmas day and I hope you phone them at least to wish them merry Xmas
R |
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"I do understand what you mean and how you feel. I have a first hand experience of that. The ones who always make themselves available to family is theodt neglected of them all. You only become useful when they need you.
Now, they are family, I readwhere you said you don't want to cut them out forever. That's very sweet to read and it shows the sort of goodhearted person you are. However, would you be sacrifice your sanity on the altar of family unity? That's your choice to make.
My advice would be: if you have taken yourself out for any reason, someone has to reach out to you to ask you back into the group. If no one has made an effort then (sorry, but) you don't mean a lot to them. So, since you said you don't want to cut them out forever, how do you intend to get back in? Any relationship (be it family, marriage, relationship, fwb) where you are made to feel you do not matter, walk out!
To be fair sibling no.2 has checked in with me this evening to see if I was okay and apologised for not intervening. They don't want to get dragged into it and ruin Christmas for their kids, which I do understand. They did say, however, that reading what was being said to me made them really uncomfortable and they totally get why I'm not coming. I'm hoping that's why no one asked me to change my mind...
So both your parents and sibling 2 think sibling 1 is unreasonable? How come its you missing out and not sibling 1?
Because S1 is hosting. And I'm the only one that doesn't have kids also I wasn't asked not to come, I decided that myself. "
I’ve seen this before ... parents weaponising their kids, acting like arseholes and then threatening to stop letting grandparents (for example) see the kids if anyone says anything.
So grandparents in particular end up saying nothing about atrocious behaviour because they are scared that they will never see their grandchildren if they say anything. |
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"I do understand what you mean and how you feel. I have a first hand experience of that. The ones who always make themselves available to family is theodt neglected of them all. You only become useful when they need you.
Now, they are family, I readwhere you said you don't want to cut them out forever. That's very sweet to read and it shows the sort of goodhearted person you are. However, would you be sacrifice your sanity on the altar of family unity? That's your choice to make.
My advice would be: if you have taken yourself out for any reason, someone has to reach out to you to ask you back into the group. If no one has made an effort then (sorry, but) you don't mean a lot to them. So, since you said you don't want to cut them out forever, how do you intend to get back in? Any relationship (be it family, marriage, relationship, fwb) where you are made to feel you do not matter, walk out!
To be fair sibling no.2 has checked in with me this evening to see if I was okay and apologised for not intervening. They don't want to get dragged into it and ruin Christmas for their kids, which I do understand. They did say, however, that reading what was being said to me made them really uncomfortable and they totally get why I'm not coming. I'm hoping that's why no one asked me to change my mind...
So both your parents and sibling 2 think sibling 1 is unreasonable? How come its you missing out and not sibling 1?
Her nieces and nephews aren't going to see their aunt at Xmas so they'll miss out too
R
To be honest I see them quite frequently throughout the year so it's not a huge deal. Anyway, half of them are still too small to know I exist and the other half will be too wrapped up in their new toys and playing with each other to notice. I think they'll be fine.
If you see them a lot then you not going will be even more noticeable but it's up to you if you don't want to swallow your pride. Enjoy Xmas day and I hope you phone them at least to wish them merry Xmas
R"
I don’t think it’s a question of OP not wanting to “swallow her pride”. It’s a situation that she doesn’t feel comfortable being in so she has decided to give it a miss. |
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"Uninvited myself from my family's Christmas dinner yesterday because I just couldn't be arsed to deal with them anymore
Since the start of this Xmas period two of my siblings have been intolerable. They've been rude about people's choices for their kids' gifts and ended up sending out wishlists so they could control exactly what people buy, and getting really arsey when we try to deviate from it. Every time I've tried to even just have a casual chat they nitpick something I say and turn it into a huge argument and I've ended up apologising for things I really shouldn't have had to.
Yesterday was the last straw, when one of them started being purposely malicious to me. I was already feeling like it wasn't going to be an enjoyable experience, but this cinched it so I announced I wasn't coming and left the group chat.
Now the question is, what do I do with all the gifts I bought for the kids? It's not their fault their parents are terrible people but at the same time I wanted to see them open them and know it came from me "
I'd pop over to your family before the dinner to give the presents to the kids, then leave. |
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By *osie xWoman
over a year ago
wolverhampton |
Return the presents for a refund, go to the meal then watch with glee as the kids unwrap drum sets and potters wheels.
They’ll love it, there parents not so much. How entitled to produce a Xmas wish list and make you stick to it |
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Christmas should be a time of joy spending it with people YOU love.
It's not about who spent what on who... that's the capitalistic shit which is fucking up the whole joy and meaning of Christmas.
Fuck Um!. have YOUR Christmas YOUR way.
Christmas is what YOU make it. Not what others think it should be.
 |
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YOUR Christmas- spend it how it makes you happy.
I haven't seen (or spoken) to my brother in 2 years or my dad in over 3. I miss my dad so much but the damage in our relationship was irreparable before my brother stuck the knife in further.
Generally - I'm happier for shedding that level of toxicity
This year however will be a new one for me and, much as I dislike Christmas anyway - 2021 will also be minus my child as she's forsaken me for her dad |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
In case anyone was interested in an update:
I didn't go to the family gathering but I sent along the gifts for all but two of the kids (the oldest said they wanted to open their gifts with me, bless them). So I went to the remaining kids' house the next day and spent the day with them. One of my other siblings (not the one that was mean to me) had stayed in London overnight so came over with their kids too. It was such a lovely day as it was just about spending time together; there was no stress over food, the house getting untidy, misbehaving kids etc. And best of all no snarky comments
I just received a very fancy and expensive gift today from the sibling that had been horrible to me, I guess by way of apology as they are incapable of actually saying "sorry" so have messaged them to say thanks. Christmas Day I will be spending with my parents and cooking a Michelin star dinner for them
In conclusion, I don't regret not going. I had a great day by myself watching The Witcher, ordered pizza, had some of the amazing cake I'd made and went for a nice long walk. Next year I will go but I'm very happy I took a year out and put myself first - I think I actually got more respect out of my family for it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I have nothing to do with my parents, I have a card and a gift for them so will either leave it on their doorstep and text my dad to get it or send our boy down with them, I won't be treated like crap by them anymore. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I have nothing to do with my parents, I have a card and a gift for them so will either leave it on their doorstep and text my dad to get it or send our boy down with them, I won't be treated like crap by them anymore. "
Sorry to hear that |
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"Your siblings are that because of a chance in nature. You choose your friends because you enjoy their company, trust them and have the same interests. If you are sick of your sublings then cut them out and don't look back. You won't regret it.
Totally ignore this ...... Christ we might argue with family but we shouldn't cut them out of our lives over a tiff.
If you truly hate them then fine but you wouldn't have posted this then.
Yeah I don't see myself cutting them out forever... I just need a break.
I've done so much for them these past few years as well. Saved them hundreds, if not thousands, in babysitting fees - a lot of the time at super short notice. I can't help feeling that I'm viewed as "less important" and disposable because I'm the only one that's single and I don't have kids "
You’ve not ‘saved them money’ - you’ve spent time with Neice’s and nephews and had the opportunity to build a relationship with them. Money should never even be thought about where family is concerned.
Family is everything - money means fuck all.
And tbh - in my family we’ve always had wish lists for the kids. Unless you know them so well that you know literally every toy they own, everything they’re into - and what everyone else is buying them (something only a parent generally knows) - then you may well spend a lot of money on something they don’t want.
My exes parents used to do this with my kids. I can’t think of a single time that they got them something they liked or played with. Then they’d complain that they never saw the kids playing with the toys they bought! |
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"In case anyone was interested in an update:
I didn't go to the family gathering but I sent along the gifts for all but two of the kids (the oldest said they wanted to open their gifts with me, bless them). So I went to the remaining kids' house the next day and spent the day with them. One of my other siblings (not the one that was mean to me) had stayed in London overnight so came over with their kids too. It was such a lovely day as it was just about spending time together; there was no stress over food, the house getting untidy, misbehaving kids etc. And best of all no snarky comments
I just received a very fancy and expensive gift today from the sibling that had been horrible to me, I guess by way of apology as they are incapable of actually saying "sorry" so have messaged them to say thanks. Christmas Day I will be spending with my parents and cooking a Michelin star dinner for them
In conclusion, I don't regret not going. I had a great day by myself watching The Witcher, ordered pizza, had some of the amazing cake I'd made and went for a nice long walk. Next year I will go but I'm very happy I took a year out and put myself first - I think I actually got more respect out of my family for it! "
I'm glad it worked out for you, OP.
You just need to stick to your guns in future & not be bullied by them. Families, eh?
Have a lovely Christmas xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Make up, lifes too short, believe me, I know
I'd be more inclined to make up if a single one of them had reached out afterwards to ask me back. Including my parents, neither of whom have even brought it up - which wouldn't be so bad, except that I physically live with them. "
give presents to charity and if kids ask tell them the truth how shite there parents are did it yrs ago never looked back only you can deal with it as your family just have a great chilled out time what ever you choose. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Your siblings are that because of a chance in nature. You choose your friends because you enjoy their company, trust them and have the same interests. If you are sick of your sublings then cut them out and don't look back. You won't regret it.
Totally ignore this ...... Christ we might argue with family but we shouldn't cut them out of our lives over a tiff.
If you truly hate them then fine but you wouldn't have posted this then.
Yeah I don't see myself cutting them out forever... I just need a break.
I've done so much for them these past few years as well. Saved them hundreds, if not thousands, in babysitting fees - a lot of the time at super short notice. I can't help feeling that I'm viewed as "less important" and disposable because I'm the only one that's single and I don't have kids
You’ve not ‘saved them money’ - you’ve spent time with Neice’s and nephews and had the opportunity to build a relationship with them. Money should never even be thought about where family is concerned.
Family is everything - money means fuck all.
And tbh - in my family we’ve always had wish lists for the kids. Unless you know them so well that you know literally every toy they own, everything they’re into - and what everyone else is buying them (something only a parent generally knows) - then you may well spend a lot of money on something they don’t want.
My exes parents used to do this with my kids. I can’t think of a single time that they got them something they liked or played with. Then they’d complain that they never saw the kids playing with the toys they bought! "
I don't have a problem with wishlists, what annoyed me was the reactions when I asked them about stuff I'd seen that I thought they might like but wasn't on the list. Would you have blown up and had a massive go at your ex's parents because you didn't like a dress or a toy they showed you - and hadn't even bought yet?
And yeah fair enough the money aspect was a bit gauche but I've always dropped everything, sometimes at extremely short notice, to help them out. I've been on call during births and illnesses and arguments with spouses, and have on multiple occasions put my own life on hold or rearranged things to help them. Yeah okay you do these things for family, but I seem to be the only one that does them sometimes and I don't think I've always gotten the appreciation I should get for it - because I don't have kids I'm expected to always be free and willing to help out.
Anyway luckily everything worked out alright in the end |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm not sure, as long as the items are sensible I think wishlists are a good idea because if you did deviate from it, what if you got something they didn't like? They're not going to use it and you wasted your money.
I agree with this
It wasn't their presents, it was the kids'. I appreciate not wasting money on things they can't use, but their reaction at suggesting anything other than what was on the list - you'd have thought I'd suggested they sell their firstborn or something "
Yeah i knew it was the childrens presents
I think lists are a great idea. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Even though you’ve decided not to attend you can still give the children the gifts you got for them. I’d probably turn up tomorrow with gifts make my excuses and be on my merry way |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Uninvited myself from my family's Christmas dinner yesterday because I just couldn't be arsed to deal with them anymore
Since the start of this Xmas period two of my siblings have been intolerable. They've been rude about people's choices for their kids' gifts and ended up sending out wishlists so they could control exactly what people buy, and getting really arsey when we try to deviate from it. Every time I've tried to even just have a casual chat they nitpick something I say and turn it into a huge argument and I've ended up apologising for things I really shouldn't have had to.
Yesterday was the last straw, when one of them started being purposely malicious to me. I was already feeling like it wasn't going to be an enjoyable experience, but this cinched it so I announced I wasn't coming and left the group chat.
Now the question is, what do I do with all the gifts I bought for the kids? It's not their fault their parents are terrible people but at the same time I wanted to see them open them and know it came from me "
Make up as you say it’s not the kids fault how the parents are enjoy you’re Xmas and have lovely day the end of the day we can’t change our family even though we want to.
Have fun enjoyable Christmas happy Xmas  |
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"Your siblings are that because of a chance in nature. You choose your friends because you enjoy their company, trust them and have the same interests. If you are sick of your sublings then cut them out and don't look back. You won't regret it.
Totally ignore this ...... Christ we might argue with family but we shouldn't cut them out of our lives over a tiff.
If you truly hate them then fine but you wouldn't have posted this then.
Yeah I don't see myself cutting them out forever... I just need a break.
I've done so much for them these past few years as well. Saved them hundreds, if not thousands, in babysitting fees - a lot of the time at super short notice. I can't help feeling that I'm viewed as "less important" and disposable because I'm the only one that's single and I don't have kids
You’ve not ‘saved them money’ - you’ve spent time with Neice’s and nephews and had the opportunity to build a relationship with them. Money should never even be thought about where family is concerned.
Family is everything - money means fuck all.
And tbh - in my family we’ve always had wish lists for the kids. Unless you know them so well that you know literally every toy they own, everything they’re into - and what everyone else is buying them (something only a parent generally knows) - then you may well spend a lot of money on something they don’t want.
My exes parents used to do this with my kids. I can’t think of a single time that they got them something they liked or played with. Then they’d complain that they never saw the kids playing with the toys they bought!
I don't have a problem with wishlists, what annoyed me was the reactions when I asked them about stuff I'd seen that I thought they might like but wasn't on the list. Would you have blown up and had a massive go at your ex's parents because you didn't like a dress or a toy they showed you - and hadn't even bought yet?
And yeah fair enough the money aspect was a bit gauche but I've always dropped everything, sometimes at extremely short notice, to help them out. I've been on call during births and illnesses and arguments with spouses, and have on multiple occasions put my own life on hold or rearranged things to help them. Yeah okay you do these things for family, but I seem to be the only one that does them sometimes and I don't think I've always gotten the appreciation I should get for it - because I don't have kids I'm expected to always be free and willing to help out.
Anyway luckily everything worked out alright in the end "
Very glad it did. You all seem to have made the best of it and acted like adults/decent human beings - which is great. Situations like that all too often end up in families not talking for years - which is so sad. I hope it’s enjoyable and unstressed for you all next year. And re the first paragraph - no I definitely wouldn’t.
Hope you have a great new year op. |
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"In case anyone was interested in an update:
I didn't go to the family gathering but I sent along the gifts for all but two of the kids (the oldest said they wanted to open their gifts with me, bless them). So I went to the remaining kids' house the next day and spent the day with them. One of my other siblings (not the one that was mean to me) had stayed in London overnight so came over with their kids too. It was such a lovely day as it was just about spending time together; there was no stress over food, the house getting untidy, misbehaving kids etc. And best of all no snarky comments
I just received a very fancy and expensive gift today from the sibling that had been horrible to me, I guess by way of apology as they are incapable of actually saying "sorry" so have messaged them to say thanks. Christmas Day I will be spending with my parents and cooking a Michelin star dinner for them
In conclusion, I don't regret not going. I had a great day by myself watching The Witcher, ordered pizza, had some of the amazing cake I'd made and went for a nice long walk. Next year I will go but I'm very happy I took a year out and put myself first - I think I actually got more respect out of my family for it! "
What a great outcome, it does seem sometimes that actions speak louder than words and perhaps siblings can learn, at least a little bit.
Great that you had a lovely time and everything worked out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like everyone came out better off... sometimes it's best not to go to family events if there's going to be friction.
Great that the kids didn't lose out either |
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