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Parent’s expectations
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By *r SproutMan
over a year ago
the middle somewhere |
I’m the complete opposite of my brother, he went to university and got a degree. I started working on building sites 2 weeks after getting my exam results.
I wouldn’t say they are disappointed in me but I didn’t take the route they wanted |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Both my mum and dad are pretty happy how I turned out.
My dad is no longer with me, but the way he used to talk about me (to others) was infectious (or so I got told) , he’d just light up and yes, I didn’t live the life he wanted me to live, but he truly loved me and that was more than enough for him
My mum is also pretty proud of me and she’s happy I’m living a happier life x  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My parents had very low expectations of me and I should of never of reached the levels that I did. I have never been supported by them to chase my dreams so yes I’ve been a disappointment to them and continue to be |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was never aware they had any expectations of me. My father always seemed to resent it, if me or my brother had anything better than he did at the same stage of life. He would always manage to find fault, if he showed any interest at all. |
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I've exceeded them.
They wanted me to get a job straight from school, instead of going to college because "We don't think you'd cope. You struggle with education" 
So I went to college and then onto Uni and got my dream job.
I hated school, but I'm a stubborn bastard! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've exceeded them.
They wanted me to get a job straight from school, instead of going to college because "We don't think you'd cope. You struggle with education"
So I went to college and then onto Uni and got my dream job.
I hated school, but I'm a stubborn bastard! "
Sounds amazing!! X well done and sometimes being stubborn and resilient is a good thing
Why so many unsupportive parents tho???  |
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In terms of my life, my career, my family I know I've made both of them proud.
But that doesn't stop the constant criticism every time I see my mother
I either need a haircut, need to put on weight, need to wear better clothes, eat more food, be happier, the house needs touching up/combination of the above/all of the above
I'm sure it's done out of love but a bit of peace and quiet will be nice one time |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My step father told me that I would be "nothing".
I couldn't give a flying f#ck about what he thinks or anyone else in my horrible family and made my own way in life from the age of 16.
I am proud of myself and the career path I chose for myself.
NBVN x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My parents had very low expectations of me and I should of never of reached the levels that I did. I have never been supported by them to chase my dreams so yes I’ve been a disappointment to them and continue to be"
Good on you for proving them wrong mate 
I disappointed my dad as my results in school wavered towards the end and I had no intention of college or university.
I then disappointed him further by joining a specific corps in the military….and the fact I got a girl pregnant at 20!
So didn’t take the path he was certainly expecting!!
My mother - I’m just awesome no matter what in her eyes  |
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Now this is a topic close to my heart.
I raced road/track cycling at a very high level as a teenager to which my dad loved (he was living his life through me). I ended up having a really bad accident at around 18, which meant I couldn't race for 18 months. In that time, our relationship fractured and I realised that the only reason we spoke, was to do with my sport. I then decided I would retire - at which point, my parents divorced and he didn't speak to me for 6 years.
Fast forward to now: 6 weeks ago, he asked me for a job.
It was a sense of accomplishment in myself, that I had exceeded my own expectations of myself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My Mum and Dad just wanted me to be happy in what I did, I know my Mum was proud of me going to University and gaining a degree, she was proud of my career and she was a proud Nain
My Dad wasn't alive to see any of that but I do know he would be proud that I did all that.
As for my own sons, I always supported and encouraged their goals. And yes both have achieved more than I could ever of wished for in their careers. My eldest works as a site manager for a building company as well as being the admin and CAD designer. Bought a house at age 22 and does adulting much better than me
My youngest is a game developer working in Edinburgh for one of the most prestigious men in the gaming world so yep, above proud of them. |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South |
My mum didn’t want me to struggle financially like she had (having to do three jobs etc) so wanted me to do well.
Life has a habit of not going to plan, and although I didn’t have a high flying super duper paid job I had a job that paid well (ish) so that was ok.
She also thinks I have dodgy taste in men.
Essentially she just wants me to be happy, and to have people in my life who make me happy.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've exceeded them.
They wanted me to get a job straight from school, instead of going to college because "We don't think you'd cope. You struggle with education"
So I went to college and then onto Uni and got my dream job.
I hated school, but I'm a stubborn bastard!
Sounds amazing!! X well done and sometimes being stubborn and resilient is a good thing
Why so many unsupportive parents tho??? "
Because each parent had a dream when they were young once and some of them didn’t happen…I think they want to live their own dreams through their children if you get me.
Like…I ignored education and got a job…I regret that and want my girls to do college and university….I haven’t travelled (unless it’s too a shit hole for work)…I want them too…I want them to do all that I didn’t.
But they have their own minds and already I think I’m fighting a losing battle with them both.
Whilst I’ll be disappointed they may not follow a path I’d like them to go down I will never be disappointed! |
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My parents wanted me to go to University, but I said no & chose to work my way up through the ranks.
So in a sense I disappointed them on that front, but I think now they’re happy for me and met their expectations and then some because of where I am in my career.
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm not sure what my parents expected of me.
I doubt I was flavour of the year when I fell pregnant as a teen and had to go through all that emotion, heartbreak, decisions. (yes, I had a termination and no I don't regret it - I just regret letting the sperm donor get into my head).
I married a man who is respectful, understanding, loving, kind, caring.. I guess that's all they wanted of me - to be treated with respect. I'm also willing to stand up for myself 99% of the time and don't let people walk over me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My parents had very low expectations of me and I should of never of reached the levels that I did. I have never been supported by them to chase my dreams so yes I’ve been a disappointment to them and continue to be
Good on you for proving them wrong mate
I disappointed my dad as my results in school wavered towards the end and I had no intention of college or university.
I then disappointed him further by joining a specific corps in the military….and the fact I got a girl pregnant at 20!
So didn’t take the path he was certainly expecting!!
My mother - I’m just awesome no matter what in her eyes "
I don’t think it was a case of proving them wrong. I tried to live life to their expectations and just wasn’t happy to I rebelled and worked my way up the corporate ladder. I constantly had ‘are you sure your capable of doing that job’ etc
You sound like you have created a great life for yourself |
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By *EAT..85Woman
over a year ago
Nottingham |
I'm not aware of any high expectations from my parents other than to be good people. We are a very working class family. No universities in sight.
I'm one of 4 and the only single one keeping it together on my own. My dad has said a few times in the last year he's proud of how well I'm doing. It means a lot actually. |
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I think I do. They've always seemed proud of what I've done so far and how I live my day to day life.
I hope I can meet their expectations because they worked so hard and had a lot less than I did growing up so I want to do their hard work and sacrifices justice by making full use of the advantages I have that they didn't. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you live up to what your parents expected of you?
I don’t, if my mum had it her way I’d be a housewife.
How do you cope with constant disappointment if you don’t?"
I don't partake in a manipulators life! No matter if it's a blood relative....
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The reason I’m posting is because I’m really struggling with my mum. As a child and teen it was drummed into me that I was to stay at home, my role was to look after a man and my children. I have 3 brothers, they didn’t have to do the housework and lots of discussions about what they could do as adults. I had none of that.
I went to university, did a degree and a postgraduate, went back to university and did another degree. I’m academic and have a good career. But in the way she acts, things she says and how she constantly posts on social media about how proud she is of my military brother, I’m a disappointment to her. I have children, I’m not a stay at home mum but they have great experiences and life. For all that I have achieved in life not once has my mum expressed anything positive.
All this, and a lot more is causing huge anxiety and I’m heading into a pit of depression and hoping to help myself and put things into perspective before it gets ugly. My dad left my mum when I was 21, he would have left many years earlier but he knew that my life wouldn’t be what it is now (long story behind that). My dad is incredibly supportive and proud of my achievements, it’s just my mum I have huge issues with. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My parents have both passed away but my mum always seemed proud of what I was achieving. She would currently say I’m wasting some of my talents but time and money dictates that for me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The reason I’m posting is because I’m really struggling with my mum. As a child and teen it was drummed into me that I was to stay at home, my role was to look after a man and my children. I have 3 brothers, they didn’t have to do the housework and lots of discussions about what they could do as adults. I had none of that.
I went to university, did a degree and a postgraduate, went back to university and did another degree. I’m academic and have a good career. But in the way she acts, things she says and how she constantly posts on social media about how proud she is of my military brother, I’m a disappointment to her. I have children, I’m not a stay at home mum but they have great experiences and life. For all that I have achieved in life not once has my mum expressed anything positive.
All this, and a lot more is causing huge anxiety and I’m heading into a pit of depression and hoping to help myself and put things into perspective before it gets ugly. My dad left my mum when I was 21, he would have left many years earlier but he knew that my life wouldn’t be what it is now (long story behind that). My dad is incredibly supportive and proud of my achievements, it’s just my mum I have huge issues with."
The problem is with your mum not you. I would highly recommend sitting down with her and telling her how she makes you feel or write her a letter if easier. She probably doesn’t realise what she’s doing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My dad always seemed disappointed. Can't change that as he is dead.
My mum, well, she said recently that she was amazed that I turned out to be a good mum, so go figure! |
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My mum and I only speak through text every now and then. I'm sure in her eyes I'm a huge disappointment, always have been so I keep communication to a minimum.
Last time we spoke on the phone she got aggy and brought out her usual tone of voice to inform me in no uncertain terms "for God's sake, this is pointless, I can't understand a word you're saying" due to me picking up a slight accent change.
Her final show of contempt towards me will be leaving me out of her will, we're all expecting it when the time comes.
How do I deal with it? Aside from the lack of contact... not all that well really. Slowly the hurt child in me is healing but the damage is deep. |
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"The reason I’m posting is because I’m really struggling with my mum. As a child and teen it was drummed into me that I was to stay at home, my role was to look after a man and my children. I have 3 brothers, they didn’t have to do the housework and lots of discussions about what they could do as adults. I had none of that.
I went to university, did a degree and a postgraduate, went back to university and did another degree. I’m academic and have a good career. But in the way she acts, things she says and how she constantly posts on social media about how proud she is of my military brother, I’m a disappointment to her. I have children, I’m not a stay at home mum but they have great experiences and life. For all that I have achieved in life not once has my mum expressed anything positive.
All this, and a lot more is causing huge anxiety and I’m heading into a pit of depression and hoping to help myself and put things into perspective before it gets ugly. My dad left my mum when I was 21, he would have left many years earlier but he knew that my life wouldn’t be what it is now (long story behind that). My dad is incredibly supportive and proud of my achievements, it’s just my mum I have huge issues with.
The problem is with your mum not you. I would highly recommend sitting down with her and telling her how she makes you feel or write her a letter if easier. She probably doesn’t realise what she’s doing "
I’ve wrote to her and told her all, it was written in quite way that I wasn’t throwing everything on her. I told her some of the problems, what my expectations were then where we can go to move forward. I’m now the most hideous person imaginable, she’s ripped me to shreds to my family. I’ve asked her not to contact me until after new year so I can get a grasp of my mental health then I will speak to her in person with a mediator. I have very little expectations now |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The reason I’m posting is because I’m really struggling with my mum. As a child and teen it was drummed into me that I was to stay at home, my role was to look after a man and my children. I have 3 brothers, they didn’t have to do the housework and lots of discussions about what they could do as adults. I had none of that.
I went to university, did a degree and a postgraduate, went back to university and did another degree. I’m academic and have a good career. But in the way she acts, things she says and how she constantly posts on social media about how proud she is of my military brother, I’m a disappointment to her. I have children, I’m not a stay at home mum but they have great experiences and life. For all that I have achieved in life not once has my mum expressed anything positive.
All this, and a lot more is causing huge anxiety and I’m heading into a pit of depression and hoping to help myself and put things into perspective before it gets ugly. My dad left my mum when I was 21, he would have left many years earlier but he knew that my life wouldn’t be what it is now (long story behind that). My dad is incredibly supportive and proud of my achievements, it’s just my mum I have huge issues with.
The problem is with your mum not you. I would highly recommend sitting down with her and telling her how she makes you feel or write her a letter if easier. She probably doesn’t realise what she’s doing
I’ve wrote to her and told her all, it was written in quite way that I wasn’t throwing everything on her. I told her some of the problems, what my expectations were then where we can go to move forward. I’m now the most hideous person imaginable, she’s ripped me to shreds to my family. I’ve asked her not to contact me until after new year so I can get a grasp of my mental health then I will speak to her in person with a mediator. I have very little expectations now"
You need to do what’s best for you, for her to talk to your family about it, is out of order. As a mum I would hate for my actions to make my child feel that way whatever the age. I hope you manage to do what you need for you to get your mental health on track- I think personally you need to block her on social media so you can’t see her posts praising your siblings |
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"The reason I’m posting is because I’m really struggling with my mum. As a child and teen it was drummed into me that I was to stay at home, my role was to look after a man and my children. I have 3 brothers, they didn’t have to do the housework and lots of discussions about what they could do as adults. I had none of that.
I went to university, did a degree and a postgraduate, went back to university and did another degree. I’m academic and have a good career. But in the way she acts, things she says and how she constantly posts on social media about how proud she is of my military brother, I’m a disappointment to her. I have children, I’m not a stay at home mum but they have great experiences and life. For all that I have achieved in life not once has my mum expressed anything positive.
All this, and a lot more is causing huge anxiety and I’m heading into a pit of depression and hoping to help myself and put things into perspective before it gets ugly. My dad left my mum when I was 21, he would have left many years earlier but he knew that my life wouldn’t be what it is now (long story behind that). My dad is incredibly supportive and proud of my achievements, it’s just my mum I have huge issues with.
The problem is with your mum not you. I would highly recommend sitting down with her and telling her how she makes you feel or write her a letter if easier. She probably doesn’t realise what she’s doing
I’ve wrote to her and told her all, it was written in quite way that I wasn’t throwing everything on her. I told her some of the problems, what my expectations were then where we can go to move forward. I’m now the most hideous person imaginable, she’s ripped me to shreds to my family. I’ve asked her not to contact me until after new year so I can get a grasp of my mental health then I will speak to her in person with a mediator. I have very little expectations now
You need to do what’s best for you, for her to talk to your family about it, is out of order. As a mum I would hate for my actions to make my child feel that way whatever the age. I hope you manage to do what you need for you to get your mental health on track- I think personally you need to block her on social media so you can’t see her posts praising your siblings "
Your comments are really helping me to know I’m doing the right thing and know I have good reason for being upset, thank you. I’ve stopped her seeing my social media and I can’t see hers now, it’s definitely helping, not that I’ve posted anything recently because of all this |
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By *akie32Man
over a year ago
winchester |
I didnt live up to expectations, they wanted me to go to uni, be more accademic, but altho that worked for my brother not for me, i did an aprenticship after school, anded up owning my own company aged 23, then moved into another but related field and became top of the tree, they were both very proud of what i had acieved, and apparently wouldnt shut up to others about it.
So altho i took a different part, it all worked out in the end, and they have seen the experiances ive had, and the counties ive been to, that would have never happened if i had not gone my own way |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Its so interesting to read all your comments and stories, thanks all for sharing.
It certainly brings a different perspective to the person behind the profile, and a reminder that we are all people with real issues to deal with. Thanks all
x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My parents were very strict with me and academic expectations were also high.
When my younger brother came along, they didn't have the energy to keep that up and pretty much let him do what he wanted.
I believe this has had an effect psychologically on us both -
-He is married, a father etc..
- & I don't want children, possibly because I associate it with being controlled & i dont want to put a child through that..
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"Both my mum and dad are pretty happy how I turned out.
My dad is no longer with me, but the way he used to talk about me (to others) was infectious (or so I got told) , he’d just light up and yes, I didn’t live the life he wanted me to live, but he truly loved me and that was more than enough for him
My mum is also pretty proud of me and she’s happy I’m living a happier life x "
Great parenting there. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My mum and I only speak through text every now and then. I'm sure in her eyes I'm a huge disappointment, always have been so I keep communication to a minimum.
Last time we spoke on the phone she got aggy and brought out her usual tone of voice to inform me in no uncertain terms "for God's sake, this is pointless, I can't understand a word you're saying" due to me picking up a slight accent change.
Her final show of contempt towards me will be leaving me out of her will, we're all expecting it when the time comes.
How do I deal with it? Aside from the lack of contact... not all that well really. Slowly the hurt child in me is healing but the damage is deep."
Christ xxxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My dad always seemed disappointed. Can't change that as he is dead.
My mum, well, she said recently that she was amazed that I turned out to be a good mum, so go figure!"
  xxx |
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By *mizhereMan
over a year ago
claregalways hotel tonight |
My parents didn’t seem to want to see me do well
Every time I tried to improve myself it was met with a do t yiu think you have enough your getting above yourself
I never regretted getting in they resented it |
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Grew up the youngest of 4 I was not a school person I had hearing issues and needed speech therapy as a child and was always in the bottom set at school. My sisters and brother all went to uni got in a load of debt 1 does a job relevant to uni course the others don’t. I took a job in sales and make more than the others and have beautiful healthy bright kids and a comfortable life |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You can't spend your time trying to meet and please your parents.
I completely done the opposite of what was expected of me and it worked out great.
I've great parents, but what do they know? They can expect all they like but it's you that has to live with the consequences of your decisions, not them.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My mum wanted me to be a priest and my dad wanted me to join the RAF to follow in his footsteps, in all honesty I’m glad I did neither. I do something I enjoy but I’m sure my parents would have been proud - and tough if they wouldn’t be |
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"You can't spend your time trying to meet and please your parents.
I completely done the opposite of what was expected of me and it worked out great.
I've great parents, but what do they know? They can expect all they like but it's you that has to live with the consequences of your decisions, not them. "
Like you say, you've got great parents who I'd say by what you've written accept you regardless. Not all of us are that lucky. Some of us grew up in households where "love" seemed and was conditional and you only got something that resembled it when you met certain targets or behaved certain ways. Not in the same way as puppy training believe me. It was and is cold.
And that hurt child who never learnt how to deal with or express emotion in a healthy way has to make adult decisions whilst deep down still craving acceptance and love from the parent who's unwilling or incapable of giving it. It's like cutting off your own limb with gangrene that you wish would just produce some healthy flesh and give you some hope. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can't spend your time trying to meet and please your parents.
I completely done the opposite of what was expected of me and it worked out great.
I've great parents, but what do they know? They can expect all they like but it's you that has to live with the consequences of your decisions, not them.
Like you say, you've got great parents who I'd say by what you've written accept you regardless. Not all of us are that lucky. Some of us grew up in households where "love" seemed and was conditional and you only got something that resembled it when you met certain targets or behaved certain ways. Not in the same way as puppy training believe me. It was and is cold.
And that hurt child who never learnt how to deal with or express emotion in a healthy way has to make adult decisions whilst deep down still craving acceptance and love from the parent who's unwilling or incapable of giving it. It's like cutting off your own limb with gangrene that you wish would just produce some healthy flesh and give you some hope."
Obviously for a young child not being shown love and attention will have an effect. But I think alot of focus is put on parents expectations. The type of person I am is basically to do as I please and if my parents didn't approve, that's just tough. Lots of love and affection growing up or none it would make no difference to me.
I wouldn't say my parents are overly proud of me , but at the end of the day what has anything got to do with them? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My mum just wanted me to be happy, my dad wanted me to go to Uni, get every degree going and be a high flying professional preferably in IT. My mum got her way haha! There's a couple of choices I've made that they weren't happy about but it's all stuff that's made me happy so they accepted it eventually.
My mum doesn't understand the way I choose to live my life now but is fully aware, asks questions as and when she wants and can see I'm happy with my life choices so she accepts it. |
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Male half here. My parents had very high expectations from the start since I don't have a middle name as they didn't think I'd cope...
Of course I'm sure my stock would rise rapidly if they knew I was on here too!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Quite depressing reading some of these.
"
It's not so bad. We learn from our parents mistakes, or what we perceive as their mistakes and try not to replicate them. I always made sure I was supportive of my kids in their ambitions, without trying to push them in a particular direction. Their ambitions, not mine. My constant thread of advice was, just be happy in what you do. They both followed their dreams so were self motivating and are both very successful. |
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"You can't spend your time trying to meet and please your parents.
I completely done the opposite of what was expected of me and it worked out great.
I've great parents, but what do they know? They can expect all they like but it's you that has to live with the consequences of your decisions, not them.
Like you say, you've got great parents who I'd say by what you've written accept you regardless. Not all of us are that lucky. Some of us grew up in households where "love" seemed and was conditional and you only got something that resembled it when you met certain targets or behaved certain ways. Not in the same way as puppy training believe me. It was and is cold.
And that hurt child who never learnt how to deal with or express emotion in a healthy way has to make adult decisions whilst deep down still craving acceptance and love from the parent who's unwilling or incapable of giving it. It's like cutting off your own limb with gangrene that you wish would just produce some healthy flesh and give you some hope.
Obviously for a young child not being shown love and attention will have an effect. But I think alot of focus is put on parents expectations. The type of person I am is basically to do as I please and if my parents didn't approve, that's just tough. Lots of love and affection growing up or none it would make no difference to me.
I wouldn't say my parents are overly proud of me , but at the end of the day what has anything got to do with them? "
I'm just trying to explain that without the love, approval and acceptance as a child, it manifests into a lack of confidence in decision making, a large portion of not really knowing who you are or what you want vs what you need or both, and a whole lot of trying to people please for the wrong or for subconscious reasons. Yours may not be overly proud but I can tell you feel accepted and don't feel as though you're gonna get rejected just for being yourself and following your heart. You're still loved regardless.
It's hard as a kid when the expectations placed on you are high bar, yet you're consistently being told you're nothing, will amount to nothing. Your life is a contradiction and you don't know what to believe, so, instead of stopping loving them you stop loving yourself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Quite depressing reading some of these.
It's not so bad. We learn from our parents mistakes, or what we perceive as their mistakes and try not to replicate them. I always made sure I was supportive of my kids in their ambitions, without trying to push them in a particular direction. Their ambitions, not mine. My constant thread of advice was, just be happy in what you do. They both followed their dreams so were self motivating and are both very successful."
I've done the same x |
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"Do you live up to what your parents expected of you?
I don’t, if my mum had it her way I’d be a housewife.
How do you cope with constant disappointment if you don’t?"
My parents attitude was do whatever you like, but clean up your own shit.
So I was doing lots of adult stuff from a very early age but knew the responsibility for any repercussions were mine to deal with.
For a rebellious, cocky little sod like me it was the perfect upbringing and I thank my parents for allowing me the freedom to do whatever made me happy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My mum had no expectations for me, which is also why she made literally no effort to encourage to do anything than "stacking shelves"...
Meanwhile my dad expected me to have a career before i was 25.
My mums side of the family whoch i estranged from dont give a shit about me or what i end up doing with my life. Meanwhile my dads side of the family see me a disappointment.
Either way, its my life and ill do what the fuck i want with it, ill find my place to be when i get there. |
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"Quite depressing reading some of these.
"
I tend to agree although of course everyone's circumstances are different. As I see, the role of parent(s) should be to guide and advise but allow their child to find their own happiness in what they choose to be and to achieve their true potential. Be supportive and there if they need them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can't spend your time trying to meet and please your parents.
I completely done the opposite of what was expected of me and it worked out great.
I've great parents, but what do they know? They can expect all they like but it's you that has to live with the consequences of your decisions, not them.
Like you say, you've got great parents who I'd say by what you've written accept you regardless. Not all of us are that lucky. Some of us grew up in households where "love" seemed and was conditional and you only got something that resembled it when you met certain targets or behaved certain ways. Not in the same way as puppy training believe me. It was and is cold.
And that hurt child who never learnt how to deal with or express emotion in a healthy way has to make adult decisions whilst deep down still craving acceptance and love from the parent who's unwilling or incapable of giving it. It's like cutting off your own limb with gangrene that you wish would just produce some healthy flesh and give you some hope.
Obviously for a young child not being shown love and attention will have an effect. But I think alot of focus is put on parents expectations. The type of person I am is basically to do as I please and if my parents didn't approve, that's just tough. Lots of love and affection growing up or none it would make no difference to me.
I wouldn't say my parents are overly proud of me , but at the end of the day what has anything got to do with them?
I'm just trying to explain that without the love, approval and acceptance as a child, it manifests into a lack of confidence in decision making, a large portion of not really knowing who you are or what you want vs what you need or both, and a whole lot of trying to people please for the wrong or for subconscious reasons. Yours may not be overly proud but I can tell you feel accepted and don't feel as though you're gonna get rejected just for being yourself and following your heart. You're still loved regardless.
It's hard as a kid when the expectations placed on you are high bar, yet you're consistently being told you're nothing, will amount to nothing. Your life is a contradiction and you don't know what to believe, so, instead of stopping loving them you stop loving yourself."
There is no contradiction.
It's simple, I don't see why anyone would really care what their parents think of them. It's pointless. Good bad or indifferent upbringing. You make the best with the card's your dealt. If I had of had a bad upbringing, that would spur me on even more. Your parents only do so much positively or negatively and at some stage how to your life turns out is down to you.
As an adult I couldn't care less what opinion they have of me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can't spend your time trying to meet and please your parents.
I completely done the opposite of what was expected of me and it worked out great.
I've great parents, but what do they know? They can expect all they like but it's you that has to live with the consequences of your decisions, not them.
Like you say, you've got great parents who I'd say by what you've written accept you regardless. Not all of us are that lucky. Some of us grew up in households where "love" seemed and was conditional and you only got something that resembled it when you met certain targets or behaved certain ways. Not in the same way as puppy training believe me. It was and is cold.
And that hurt child who never learnt how to deal with or express emotion in a healthy way has to make adult decisions whilst deep down still craving acceptance and love from the parent who's unwilling or incapable of giving it. It's like cutting off your own limb with gangrene that you wish would just produce some healthy flesh and give you some hope.
Obviously for a young child not being shown love and attention will have an effect. But I think alot of focus is put on parents expectations. The type of person I am is basically to do as I please and if my parents didn't approve, that's just tough. Lots of love and affection growing up or none it would make no difference to me.
I wouldn't say my parents are overly proud of me , but at the end of the day what has anything got to do with them?
I'm just trying to explain that without the love, approval and acceptance as a child, it manifests into a lack of confidence in decision making, a large portion of not really knowing who you are or what you want vs what you need or both, and a whole lot of trying to people please for the wrong or for subconscious reasons. Yours may not be overly proud but I can tell you feel accepted and don't feel as though you're gonna get rejected just for being yourself and following your heart. You're still loved regardless.
It's hard as a kid when the expectations placed on you are high bar, yet you're consistently being told you're nothing, will amount to nothing. Your life is a contradiction and you don't know what to believe, so, instead of stopping loving them you stop loving yourself."
Perhaps you need to consider whether the problem lies not with you P, but her. It's not normal for a parent to continually belittle their child, and certainly not into adulthood. It's your misplaced sense of duty that keeps you constantly trying to please, and turning the blame on yourself. |
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"You can't spend your time trying to meet and please your parents.
I completely done the opposite of what was expected of me and it worked out great.
I've great parents, but what do they know? They can expect all they like but it's you that has to live with the consequences of your decisions, not them.
Like you say, you've got great parents who I'd say by what you've written accept you regardless. Not all of us are that lucky. Some of us grew up in households where "love" seemed and was conditional and you only got something that resembled it when you met certain targets or behaved certain ways. Not in the same way as puppy training believe me. It was and is cold.
And that hurt child who never learnt how to deal with or express emotion in a healthy way has to make adult decisions whilst deep down still craving acceptance and love from the parent who's unwilling or incapable of giving it. It's like cutting off your own limb with gangrene that you wish would just produce some healthy flesh and give you some hope.
Obviously for a young child not being shown love and attention will have an effect. But I think alot of focus is put on parents expectations. The type of person I am is basically to do as I please and if my parents didn't approve, that's just tough. Lots of love and affection growing up or none it would make no difference to me.
I wouldn't say my parents are overly proud of me , but at the end of the day what has anything got to do with them?
I'm just trying to explain that without the love, approval and acceptance as a child, it manifests into a lack of confidence in decision making, a large portion of not really knowing who you are or what you want vs what you need or both, and a whole lot of trying to people please for the wrong or for subconscious reasons. Yours may not be overly proud but I can tell you feel accepted and don't feel as though you're gonna get rejected just for being yourself and following your heart. You're still loved regardless.
It's hard as a kid when the expectations placed on you are high bar, yet you're consistently being told you're nothing, will amount to nothing. Your life is a contradiction and you don't know what to believe, so, instead of stopping loving them you stop loving yourself.
There is no contradiction.
It's simple, I don't see why anyone would really care what their parents think of them. It's pointless. Good bad or indifferent upbringing. You make the best with the card's your dealt. If I had of had a bad upbringing, that would spur me on even more. Your parents only do so much positively or negatively and at some stage how to your life turns out is down to you.
As an adult I couldn't care less what opinion they have of me."
When I said your life, I referenced my own.
That's what this thread is about, cutting ties. Sometimes it takes an awful lot of introspection and what feels at the time like selfishness to make the break from parents. It isn't selfishness, it's finally showing some self love, which, comes back to my point about those with difficult upbringings not learning self love because it's been knocked out of them from an early age.
There is an awful lot of psychology behind it, and it's not as simple as not caring what your parents may think for many many people.
I'm glad you had the love to be confident in your own decisions and sense of worth. |
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"You can't spend your time trying to meet and please your parents.
I completely done the opposite of what was expected of me and it worked out great.
I've great parents, but what do they know? They can expect all they like but it's you that has to live with the consequences of your decisions, not them.
Like you say, you've got great parents who I'd say by what you've written accept you regardless. Not all of us are that lucky. Some of us grew up in households where "love" seemed and was conditional and you only got something that resembled it when you met certain targets or behaved certain ways. Not in the same way as puppy training believe me. It was and is cold.
And that hurt child who never learnt how to deal with or express emotion in a healthy way has to make adult decisions whilst deep down still craving acceptance and love from the parent who's unwilling or incapable of giving it. It's like cutting off your own limb with gangrene that you wish would just produce some healthy flesh and give you some hope.
Obviously for a young child not being shown love and attention will have an effect. But I think alot of focus is put on parents expectations. The type of person I am is basically to do as I please and if my parents didn't approve, that's just tough. Lots of love and affection growing up or none it would make no difference to me.
I wouldn't say my parents are overly proud of me , but at the end of the day what has anything got to do with them?
I'm just trying to explain that without the love, approval and acceptance as a child, it manifests into a lack of confidence in decision making, a large portion of not really knowing who you are or what you want vs what you need or both, and a whole lot of trying to people please for the wrong or for subconscious reasons. Yours may not be overly proud but I can tell you feel accepted and don't feel as though you're gonna get rejected just for being yourself and following your heart. You're still loved regardless.
It's hard as a kid when the expectations placed on you are high bar, yet you're consistently being told you're nothing, will amount to nothing. Your life is a contradiction and you don't know what to believe, so, instead of stopping loving them you stop loving yourself.
Perhaps you need to consider whether the problem lies not with you P, but her. It's not normal for a parent to continually belittle their child, and certainly not into adulthood. It's your misplaced sense of duty that keeps you constantly trying to please, and turning the blame on yourself. "
She's pretty much gone from my life. As I said in my personal response to the question we text occasionally and that's it. I've not seen her in 15 years and truthfully can't say I'd want to.
If I believed we could sit down and have a conversation where she could admit some shit and the impact then yeah, I'd consider it. Just an apology would do but that's not gonna happen, it ain't in her make up.
I do bare the scars of her problems, that's something I've battled with for a very long time, and I truly believe why relationships I get into are toxic or unhealthy. It's easy to say recognise the red flags and run, but the truth is when red flags are all you've known, they can be hard to recognise coz they're normalised.
|
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My dad is totally indifferent to anything I do or say so I'll never disappoint him but likewise will never make him proud.
My mum is a major narcissist and in her eyes I will never be as good as my older brother! She is disappointed that I'm not married with children, she disapproves of my job, I'm too fat, I'm too sarcastic, I'm too emotional (that was because I cried at my uncle's funeral) etc. I'm studying for a degree (for my dream job) last year I got a 2.1 but even that wasn't good enough as it wasn't a first. I've solved the issue by just not telling her anything about my life, my friends are more like my family!
Sorry for that rant, I feel sooo much better getting that off my chest |
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"My dad is totally indifferent to anything I do or say so I'll never disappoint him but likewise will never make him proud.
My mum is a major narcissist and in her eyes I will never be as good as my older brother! She is disappointed that I'm not married with children, she disapproves of my job, I'm too fat, I'm too sarcastic, I'm too emotional (that was because I cried at my uncle's funeral) etc. I'm studying for a degree (for my dream job) last year I got a 2.1 but even that wasn't good enough as it wasn't a first. I've solved the issue by just not telling her anything about my life, my friends are more like my family!
Sorry for that rant, I feel sooo much better getting that off my chest "
Well done you for your achievements despite adversity. That's all that matters. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can't spend your time trying to meet and please your parents.
I completely done the opposite of what was expected of me and it worked out great.
I've great parents, but what do they know? They can expect all they like but it's you that has to live with the consequences of your decisions, not them.
Like you say, you've got great parents who I'd say by what you've written accept you regardless. Not all of us are that lucky. Some of us grew up in households where "love" seemed and was conditional and you only got something that resembled it when you met certain targets or behaved certain ways. Not in the same way as puppy training believe me. It was and is cold.
And that hurt child who never learnt how to deal with or express emotion in a healthy way has to make adult decisions whilst deep down still craving acceptance and love from the parent who's unwilling or incapable of giving it. It's like cutting off your own limb with gangrene that you wish would just produce some healthy flesh and give you some hope.
Obviously for a young child not being shown love and attention will have an effect. But I think alot of focus is put on parents expectations. The type of person I am is basically to do as I please and if my parents didn't approve, that's just tough. Lots of love and affection growing up or none it would make no difference to me.
I wouldn't say my parents are overly proud of me , but at the end of the day what has anything got to do with them?
I'm just trying to explain that without the love, approval and acceptance as a child, it manifests into a lack of confidence in decision making, a large portion of not really knowing who you are or what you want vs what you need or both, and a whole lot of trying to people please for the wrong or for subconscious reasons. Yours may not be overly proud but I can tell you feel accepted and don't feel as though you're gonna get rejected just for being yourself and following your heart. You're still loved regardless.
It's hard as a kid when the expectations placed on you are high bar, yet you're consistently being told you're nothing, will amount to nothing. Your life is a contradiction and you don't know what to believe, so, instead of stopping loving them you stop loving yourself.
Perhaps you need to consider whether the problem lies not with you P, but her. It's not normal for a parent to continually belittle their child, and certainly not into adulthood. It's your misplaced sense of duty that keeps you constantly trying to please, and turning the blame on yourself.
She's pretty much gone from my life. As I said in my personal response to the question we text occasionally and that's it. I've not seen her in 15 years and truthfully can't say I'd want to.
If I believed we could sit down and have a conversation where she could admit some shit and the impact then yeah, I'd consider it. Just an apology would do but that's not gonna happen, it ain't in her make up.
I do bare the scars of her problems, that's something I've battled with for a very long time, and I truly believe why relationships I get into are toxic or unhealthy. It's easy to say recognise the red flags and run, but the truth is when red flags are all you've known, they can be hard to recognise coz they're normalised.
"
Very sorry to go hear that I wish you well. |
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Sadly my parents are both dead now.
I didn’t live up to either their expectations or my own (I’m currently jobless and broke at 53 with no pension and no savings - not a great situation to be in) - but they loved me and supported me nonetheless - and never made me feel bad about myself. They were great people and great parents - and I aspire to be half as good as they were.
As for my own children - my oldest daughter is an associate director for an accountancy firm, my son (who’s 17) is a trainee electrician and my youngest is studying for her A levels.
Frankly I couldn’t care less what jobs they do or how much money they make - I just want them to be happy - which is what my own parents wanted for me. And tbh they got their wish - I’m the happiest skint fecker I know. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Nope, I was a constant disappointment to my dad. He always had high expectations of me. But I met my ex husband and had 3 children, who set me on a very different life path to what I expected. I was successful in what I did, running 2 charity groups, helping out at their schools. Being involved with the local authorities regarding sen policies. But because their was no financial gain through it, I was a failure. My mom thinks I’m great looking after my sons with their disabilities, but still has long standing issues with me.
Just has taught me to be a better parent, and left me with little belief in myself x |
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My dad wants me to take over the family business, which would mean having to move closer to home on Merseyside.
My son lives with his mum, near where I live so I’m staying close to my son in Yorkshire.
As I’m not doing as my dad is telling me to he’s stopped talking to me and stopped wanting access to his grandchild. Although still puts money into his account 
He’ll no doubt write me out of his will now, to teach me a lesson
The only problem with all this is I don’t care He should understand that my sons needs are greater than his needs 
K |
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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago
Stirling |
Haven’t spoken to my dad in 30yrs so I wouldn’t have any idea and frankly I have little regard to his opinion.
Expectations for me are just judgment disgusted by a better word, my mother may not agree with some of my life choices but she never shows me disappointment she encourages me to be the best I can be and that’s all I could ask of her, she loves me for who am I despite our differences xx |
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"I was a disappointment as soon as I was born. I was their last chance for a son
Still had a wonderful childhood though  "
Well I for one am glad you were born and there are plenty of people who will think the same including your hubby |
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I was a constant disappointment to my father, my mother was always too d*unk to have any expectations.
My father was a philandering sociopath, one of the best days of my life was when I told him I was going to knock him through a wall if he ever spoke to me like he'd just done. He knew I wasn’t joking. We’ve barely spoken since. I’m much happier for it. |
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My Dad is proud of me, despite the fact I refused to take private school exams and didn't become a barrister.
I really don't know what my mother thinks of me, but likely negative because I don't subscribe to her bonkers views (aka conspiracy theories).
I'm mainly pleased that I made my Grandparents proud. I was worried that me having my son when I was 16 would disappoint them, but it didn't. Did my A levels while he was a baby, went to uni, established my career etc. My Grandparents were wonderful people  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There's a book called -
"Wounded Leaders: British Elitism and the Entitlement Illusion - A Psychohistory".
Its basic premise is that even if you can afford the 50k a year to send your kid to Eton, or similar boarding establishments, the net effect is a negative one, as the basic message the young child is interpreting is that "my parents don't want me."
I went to private schools for a large portion of my childhood, (luckily i didn't board, but i saw a lot of these personality types being formed.)
Two thirds of the current tory cabinet went to schools like this.
-It's very interesting read. |
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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago
A world all of his own |
I'm not sure that my parents ever had any "expectations" of me or my two siblings, certainly not in terms of qualifications etc. We were certainly never pushed in that respect. Sure, they wanted us to grow up/into decent people (2 of us managed it, one sadly didn't (not me lol)) but other than that they just supported us in whatever we did. I know my mum is proud of me and the person that I've grown into, and I hope to God that my late father is, too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My parents aren't ones to show affection etc, they have never said they are proud of me (not that I can recall anyway), infact my mum only ever said she loved me after I said it first and my dad never has.
I can only assume I am a disappointment to them, two marriages in, mutliple different jobs over my adult life, money troubles and kids that don't live with me. So yeah I would say I am an utter disappointment to them. How do I cope with it? Sometimes I sit down and cry, other times I have a word with myself and promise myself go tell my kids I love them and how proud I am of them
Danish x |
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By *axtenMan
over a year ago
Stokesley |
"Quite depressing reading some of these.
It's not so bad. We learn from our parents mistakes, or what we perceive as their mistakes and try not to replicate them. I always made sure I was supportive of my kids in their ambitions, without trying to push them in a particular direction. Their ambitions, not mine. My constant thread of advice was, just be happy in what you do. They both followed their dreams so were self motivating and are both very successful."
My view exactly! |
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And pretty much every time I've been home I've got some sort of eye roll, be it for a tattoo or buying a motorbike 
Happy fabbing ...