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Christmas jokes please

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Hit me with your best (worst Dad) jokes please

What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Who checks Santa’s sleigh?

Elf and Safety of course.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How to the elves clean Santa’s sleigh? … They use Santa-tizer

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

You can see her mistletoe when Mrs Claus wears tight leggings.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night.

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By *oonshadowWoman over a year ago

COVENTRY

One snowman said to another snowman "can you smell carrots?"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"One snowman said to another snowman "can you smell carrots?" "

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By *reya73Woman over a year ago

Whitley Bay

Why did Rudoloh get sent home from school?

Because he went down in history

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By *reya73Woman over a year ago

Whitley Bay

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitis

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Why did Rudoloh get sent home from school?

Because he went down in history

I like that one

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Why did the old miser hear the offbeat clanking of chains?

Because it was the ghost of Marley. Bob Marley.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man over a year ago

BRIDPORT

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

The abdominal snowman

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By *etcplCouple over a year ago

Gapping Fanny

What did Santaslittlehelper learn at school?

The elf-abet

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By *pYaMan over a year ago

Ready…

What do you call an old snowman?

Water

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By *pYaMan over a year ago

Ready…

What is white and minty?

A polo bear!

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Why did the winter bird steal the seed? Because it was a robin…

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

£50 for a 6ft Xmas tree !!

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By *inAndTonic21Couple over a year ago

Merseyside

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross mouse cards

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What motorbike does Father Christmas ride?

A Holly Davidson

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross mouse cards

Love this one

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By *inAndTonic21Couple over a year ago

Merseyside

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The Elf-abet!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The Elf-abet!

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By *iman2100Man over a year ago

Glasgow

Doctor - "Congratulations Mrs Jones, I can confirm you are pregnant"

Ms Jones - "It's Miss Jones doctor; and I cannot be as I am a virgin!"

Doctor opens a cabinet and gets some binoculars and looks out the window.

After a few minutes Miss Jones speaks "What are you doing Doctor"

Doctor - "Last time this happened 3 wise men came from the east and I don't want to miss them"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross mouse cards

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?

Anything you want, they can't hear you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If you can’t think of what to buy someone for Christmas, a yo-yo always goes down well

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just told my mate I've got a new Christmas tree .

He asked if im going to put it up myself.

I told him no im putting it up in the corner of the lounge

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By *otMe66Man over a year ago

Terra Firma

Being a dad I got the same old thing this xmas, a sweater.

I was really hoping for a screamer or a moaner

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet? Only 25, there’s no L!

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By *orraine999Woman over a year ago

Somewhere

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?

It stays up all night, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've bought my better half a pair of slippers and a dildo for Christmas. If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go and fuck herself.

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By *ob08Man over a year ago

Macclesfield

Why does Santa always come through the chimney?

Because he knows better than to try the back door.

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By *ob08Man over a year ago

Macclesfield

Why is Father Christmas so damn jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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By *ob08Man over a year ago

Macclesfield

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.

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By *ob08Man over a year ago

Macclesfield

I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come.Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Why is Father Christmas so damn jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live."

I like this one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Santa went down the Chimney and started putting presents under the tree. He went to leave and noticed the most beautiful red headed women laying there in her naughty nighties,

She said santa do you wanna stay and play, He said HO HO HO Gotta go Gotta Go gotta deliver presents to the kids Ho HO.

So he went to leave again and She said once more, "Santa dont you want to stay and play" as she took off her nighties and was layin there in a sexy g-string,

He said Ho Ho HO gotta go, gotta deliver presents to the kids dont you know ho ho,

So he went to leave one last time and the women said again, "Santa stay and play" and when he turned around she was laying there completely naked, The most beautiful thing in the world spread eagle,

He said hey hey hey gotta stay, cant go up the chimney with my stiffy this way

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