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Dad jokes please

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Let’s have some terrible jokes please, to cheer us up on this chilly Monday morning.

Just bought a greyhound, my mate

said: "What you going to do it with it?" I said:"Race it". He said: "My money's on the dog".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the best way to burn 1000 calories?

Leave the pizza in the oven!??

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By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

I was walking on the pavement and stood in some dog shit.

There was a guy wiping his shoe on the grass verge.

He said

I’ve just done that.

So I rubbed his nose in it.

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By *regnantCreampieMan over a year ago

Basildon

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers.

I'm here all week.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was sat on the edge of the bed last night pulling of my boxers when my wife says..

"You spoil those dogs"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

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By *otMe66Man over a year ago

Terra Firma

[Removed by poster at 29/11/21 10:48:01]

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By *otMe66Man over a year ago

Terra Firma

I was forced to walk the plank when I was a kid, we couldn't afford a dog

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By *hechairman18Man over a year ago

Salford Quays , Manchester

[Removed by poster at 29/11/21 10:49:45]

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By *hechairman18Man over a year ago

Salford Quays , Manchester

I bought a Chicken, to make a Sandwich.

But up to now, it's never made me one.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Wha to you call 2 witches sharing an apartment?

Broom mates...

Plenty more where those came from

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By *eroLondonMan over a year ago

Mayfair

"Let’s have some terrible jokes please, to cheer us up on this chilly Monday morning.

Just bought a greyhound, my mate

said: "What you going to do it with it?" I said:"Race it". He said: "My money's on the dog"."

•

Haven't you harvested (blagged) enough for your status updates?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Loving these, some new ones

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When I was young we were really poor. At Christmas I was lucky I was a boy, or I’d have had nothing to play with

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

It's so cold that I have to take half a Viagra so I won't pee on my shoes.

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By *hirdTimesACharmCouple over a year ago

northamptonshire

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug.

What do you call a man with no shins?

ToeKnee

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It takes a big man to walk away from a argument but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you get hanging from apple trees?

Dead arms

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By *emima_blackTV/TS over a year ago

London

How do you become a millionaire? Start by being a billionaire and get a divorce.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Drawing is the 2nd thing that requires simultaneous use of hand and imagination...

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By *doreMatureMan over a year ago

chester

two fish in a tank,,one says to the other,,you know how to drive this???

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock. "

That made me laugh out loud

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the washing machine laugh?

Because it was taking the piss out the knickers!

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By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

I took my girlfriend a bunch of flowers.

She said thanks but I guess you’re expecting me to spend the night on my back with my legs in the air.

I said, do you not have a vase.

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

I bought a plastic lawn. I said what about maintenance? So he chucked in a plastic gnome with a wheelbarrow..

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I took my girlfriend a bunch of flowers.

She said thanks but I guess you’re expecting me to spend the night on my back with my legs in the air.

I said, do you not have a vase.

You thought of one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two snowmen in a field and one say to the other "Ere, can you smell carrots?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Worried about my failing eyesight I asked the doctor if masturbation could be a factor. He replied;

"Dunno mate, you're in Halfords"

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By *xhib12Man over a year ago

Blyth

What's E.T. short for?

Cos he's got little legs.

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By *xhib12Man over a year ago

Blyth

Struggling to know what to buy someone for xmas?

Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

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By *antasy Explorers 1313Couple over a year ago

A place where others reside (West Oxfordshire)

What type of bees make milk instead of honey?

Boobees

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By *oublethefunMan over a year ago

royston

What's a coffin and a condom got in common!!!!.

If your comming or your going your stiff in both.

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By *uvBugsCouple over a year ago

CAMBS

I just bought some Sainsbury's sausages and there's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front. On the back it says 'prick with fork'; can't argue with that!

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

What do you call an italian hooker?

A pastatute!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Another gem...

What music do mummies listen to?

Wrap music

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Worried about my failing eyesight I asked the doctor if masturbation could be a factor. He replied;

"Dunno mate, you're in Halfords""

Brilliant

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

#cuntingency

The urgent need to fck at short notice

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By *otMe66Man over a year ago

Terra Firma

I will tell you how long is has been since I last had sex, my safe word is Sony walkman

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By *2000ManMan over a year ago

Worthing

How does a skeleton make calls?

Uses a telebone.

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By *otPrinceHarryMan over a year ago

Glasgow

What do you call a man with a big dick?

Phil.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was talking to a lovely lady yesterday..even asked me if I liked breasts or legs. Well, being transparent, I said, I love a really smooth pussy.

Now banned at KFC. Gutted

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Heard about the in-debt snowflake imprisoned for theft?

He’s now a brokey-wokey in the choky…

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Me: Where are we going dad?

Dad: To pick up our glasses at the

optician.

Me:And Then?

Dad: We'll see

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"two fish in a tank,,one says to the other,,you know how to drive this???"

Were they in the Marines?

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"I took my girlfriend a bunch of flowers.

She said thanks but I guess you’re expecting me to spend the night on my back with my legs in the air.

I said, do you not have a vase.

Daisy...Daisy!

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

What is an ig?

An Eskimo's house without the loo

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By *effrey45Man over a year ago

Lytham

The farmer was in a field with 28 cows

Can you help me round these up?

I said that will be 30 cows

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Patient: I'm having problems with my hearing.

Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?

Patient: Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy.

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

What do you put an a Friesian cow?

A Jersey (bull)

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

I've found a brilliant way of getting my Mrs to shut up and listen to every word, that I say.

I've got a job as a bingo caller!

(I'm waiting for a 69 too!)

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By *pYaMan over a year ago

Ready…

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.

What’s the difference between a lorry and a giraffe? A lorry has hydraulics and a giraffe has high bolocks.

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

Do cranes ever human their necks?

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

If you mix up Vimto wrong, you'll end up with vomit.

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By *ildmanYorksMan over a year ago

Doncaster & Bembridge

Two parrots on a perch. One said "Can you smell fish?"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"If you mix up Vimto wrong, you'll end up with vomit."

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By *good-being-badMan over a year ago

mis-types and auto corrects leads cock leeds

I put my hawaiian pizza in the oven.

When I took it out it was burnt to a crisp.

Should have put it on alhoa setting.

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By *L2021Couple over a year ago

manchester

What to you call an American bee……

A USB

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By *hunkyfella79Man over a year ago

Toon

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

A boy and his dad were at the safari park. At the lion's enclosure , an immature lion was just about to get frisky one of the other males.

"Dad, what's he doing?"

"Getting on-lion son, getting on-lion"

(SHOULD'VE GONE TO SPECSAVERS)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a man in the sea with no arms and no legs ???

Bob

Also here all week

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By *hunkyfella79Man over a year ago

Toon

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife

The judge asks ,why do you keep beating her

Paddy replies ,i think its my weight advantage,longer reach and superior footwork

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Where is the gym located at Hogwarts?

Just through the Dumbell Door

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"What do you call a man in the sea with no arms and no legs ???

Bob

Also here all week

He wasn't from Cork was he?

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

A man with no arms and legs was at a bus stop

The bus pulls up and the driver says hi bob ,how you getting on

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Why wasn’t Jesus born in Wales?

They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

How did the Roman soldiers persuade a reluctant Jesus, to stretch out his arms, before being attached to the cross?

By asking him a question about his time at sea.

RS "So, what is the largest fish, you've ever caught?"

JoN "It was...Oh, bugger!"

(Monty Python has a lot to answer for.)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s the most expensive barbie doll?

Divorce Barbie.

She comes complete with Ken’s House, Ken’s Car, half of Ken’s money, child support…

Sorry it’s so sexist. Can’t think of any others right now

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By *yrdsisWoman over a year ago

Gleam Street

What's red and lies in a gutter?

A dead bus

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"What's red and lies in a gutter?

A dead bus"

and a comatose letterbox.

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By *al kalMan over a year ago

london

Went to the park to play frisbee with my dog but it was no fun.

Think I will need a flatter dog.

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By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

F*cking hot!

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By *hisisnotaflamethrowerMan over a year ago

South hams

I don't tell dad jokes often but when I do... he laughs

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, she laughed and said it couldn't be done.

You should have seen her face when I rode pasta

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By *nitterWoman over a year ago

the land of tall tales and yarn

Thanks Op this has made my day

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

Why did the hedgehog cross the road

To see his flat mate

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Went to the park to play frisbee with my dog but it was no fun.

Think I will need a flatter dog."

This is brilliant, my favourite so far

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Thanks Op this has made my day

You are welcome, and this is why I do it

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

Diner reading a curry house menu: "what's Tarka Dahl?"

Waiter:"its like ordinary Dahl.... only... 'otter"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a grilled chicken in the oven?

"dead"

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

A horse walks into a bar

The bar man says ,why the long face

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man walks into a bar.

12 stitches later he was fine.

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

Doctor doctor i feel like a pair of curtains

Doctor,pull yourself together

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his ass

Warren

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you and your shower have in common? You both get wet when I turn you on.

Doughnut

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

What do you call a dog who is deaf, blind and has no legs?....

Anything you like,- he won't come to you!

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By *uke DuchessCouple over a year ago

Stoke-on-Trent

My washing machine is sarcastic it keeps taking the piss out of my knickers

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By *ortheastcoupleukCouple over a year ago

easington were the sun dont shine

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Friend 1 - ‘My girlfriend flew to the West Indies today’

Friend 2 - ‘Jamaica?’

Friend 1 - ‘No. She wanted to go’.

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By *icola2202Couple over a year ago

Chatham

What do you call a plane full of bald people?

Receding airline

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By *icola2202Couple over a year ago

Chatham

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Justin

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went on a barging holiday last year. No boat just pushed people into the canal

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By *pdudeMan over a year ago

newtown

What do you call aa man with a car on his head?

Jack!

Whats pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife!

Whats mass confusion?

Farthers day in (insert your town here)

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By *ayjay218Man over a year ago

Aberdeen

I went to the doctor and said wherever I touch myself I get extreme pain, what’s wrong with me? He looked at me and said a broken finger

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By *asters_kittenCouple over a year ago

Luton

Thank you OP.

Loved these.

Kitten

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By *ean counterMan over a year ago

Market Harborough/ Kettering

I want to die in the same way as my grandfather, nice and peacefully in his sleep, shame about his 52 passengers

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks, "Do you have a sheep's head?"

The butcher replies, "No, it's just the way I comb my hair"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Thank you OP.

Loved these.

Kitten

Glad I hear that

Do you know why you never see elephants

hiding in trees? It's because they're so

good at it

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By *uvBugsCouple over a year ago

CAMBS

We’ve just found out my grandad was addicted to viagra ....... nobody is taking it harder than my grandmother.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts. Told her I like shaved pussies and anal. Now im banned from KFC!!

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole one liner is urined.

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By *inkylipsWoman over a year ago

Debauchery

What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?

Nacho cheese

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm terrible at jokes. I always punch up the fuck line.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The Amazon Black Friday sale was rubbish. I ordered four kindles and ended up with a Two Ronnies DVD.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock. "

You have just won the Internet... brilliant..

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

"I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

You have just won the Internet... brilliant.."
pmsl - is there time for an acceptance speech??

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The Autopsy club had an entertainment evening.

It was open mic night.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a bad boxer who’s dad has the shits??

A slap happy chappy with a crap happy papy!!

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By *emima_blackTV/TS over a year ago

London

never guess who I saw today? Everyone I looked at

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By *rhugesMan over a year ago

Cardiff

Two tomatoes running though the desert, which one is the cowboy??

None they are both red skins

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed ?

Your nose touches the ceiling.

How do you know if there is an elephant in your bed ?

He will have an ‘E’ on his pyjamas

How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge ?

Footprints in the butter

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

How do you catch a squirrel?

Hang from a branch and act like a nut.

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

Ski jumping was invented by a Norwegian called Luke Noah Hanns.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you get pikachu on a bus?

Pokemon.

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

Knock knoock!

Who's there?

Pea Cash.

Pea Cash who?

Gotta catch 'em all!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I saw some else post this joke on this site , it made me smile -

The owner of the odeon cinema chain has sadly passed away.

His funeral is tomorrow at 11.00 am, then 1.30 pm, 3.00 pm, 5.30 pm, 8.00pm & 10.00 pm..

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By *eyeYCouple over a year ago

Nr Leicester

2 fish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks "so do you know how to drive this thing?"

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man over a year ago

BRIDPORT

What’s Forrest Gump’s computer password?

1Forrest1

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"I saw some else post this joke on this site , it made me smile -

The owner of the odeon cinema chain has sadly passed away.

His funeral is tomorrow at 11.00 am, then 1.30 pm, 3.00 pm, 5.30 pm, 8.00pm & 10.00 pm..

Brilliant, anyone got any rotten tomatoes?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I put my hawaiian pizza in the oven.

When I took it out it was burnt to a crisp.

Should have put it on alhoa setting."

Hahah that made me laugh out loud. Very funny

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By *eading beddingMan over a year ago

Berks

So I was at the florist today...

Me: "I'd like some flowers for my girlfriend please."

Florist: "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

Me: "A tit wank!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"So I was at the florist today...

Me: "I'd like some flowers for my girlfriend please."

Florist: "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

Me: "A tit wank!""

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

"So I was at the florist today...

Me: "I'd like some flowers for my girlfriend please."

Florist: "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

Me: "A tit wank!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo…..

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter…..

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

Discovered a new bait for fishing,some old boy said to use liquorice

I couldnt belive my luck i caught allsorts

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By *ooBulMan over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

What kind of beds do redheads sleep on?

Temper-pedic

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By *ooBulMan over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

What do you call a ginger head kid who’s good at karate?

Carroty kid

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By *ichaelangelaCouple over a year ago

notts

Guess who I bumped into at specsavers??

Everyone

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By *ooBulMan over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are escaping from the police. They see the police car is approaching so they escape to a back alleyway. There they discovered 3 big sacks.

One sack full of kittens, one full of puppies, and the last one full of potatoes. They each get into a sack, hoping the cops won’t notice them. A police officer checks the alley and sees the 3 sacks.

He kicked the sack of kittens and the redhead said, “Meow meow!”

The he kicked the sack of puppies and the brunette said, “Woof woof!”

Of course, he kicked the sack of potatoes and the blonde said, “Pohtaytooee“.

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By *ooBulMan over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are in an elevator On the floor is a puddle of white liquid.

The brunette takes a close look at the puddle. “Looks like cum” she says.

The redhead leans down and smells the puddle. “Smells like cum” she says.

The blonde puts her finger in the puddle, then licks her finger. “Not anyone in this building.”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Stop looking for the perfect match use a lighter.

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By *piderBunnyCouple over a year ago

Back of Nowhere and Beyond

I went out with a lass from North Wales for a while; She said she wouldn't have sex with me until I learned to say something in Welsh...

...so i put my willy in her hand and told her to Prestatyn

Bob

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock. "

Can’t stop laughing at this one!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing shorts made of Clingfilm.

The shrink says

"Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

RIP boiling water, you will be mist.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"RIP boiling water, you will be mist.

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By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

When I was in school I was told:

PUSSY was a CAT

SEX meant GENDER

BITCH was a FEMALE DOG

DICK was a man's NAME

BANG was a SOUND

RUBBER was an ERASER

ASS was an ANIMAL

SCREW was just a METAL OBJECT

HEAD meant a PART OF THE BODY

BALLS meant a ROUND TOY

NUTS meant DRIED FRUIT

69 was just a NUMBER

...and then I came across Fab and all you perverts and my education was ruined!

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By *ooking4othersMan over a year ago

Here ...

What is worn under my kilt?

Nothing ... it is all in perfect working order

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By *ig_eric_tionMan over a year ago

IPSWICH

New viagra eye drops... they make you look hard.

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. Now I’m banned from the library!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was so desperate for a piss whilst driving and i noticed an empty bottle in the footwell..i thought "how hard can it be?"..

Wow...It's hard. Really hard. However i relieved myself, did amazingly, because i didn't even spill a drop!

& can you believe?- He failed me for that..

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

"I was so desperate for a piss whilst driving and i noticed an empty bottle in the footwell..i thought "how hard can it be?"..

Wow...It's hard. Really hard. However i relieved myself, did amazingly, because i didn't even spill a drop!

& can you believe?- He failed me for that.."

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By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Husband: The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want.

Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My new belt arrived today. It doesn’t fit

Huge waist

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By *iscean_dreamMan over a year ago

Llanelli

What's the most popular wine on Christmas day?

"but I don't like brussel sprouts"

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"I went out with a lass from North Wales for a while; She said she wouldn't have sex with me until I learned to say something in Welsh...

...so i put my willy in her hand and told her to Prestatyn

Bob"

Sodom!

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"When I was in school I was told:

PUSSY was a CAT

SEX meant GENDER

BITCH was a FEMALE DOG

DICK was a man's NAME

BANG was a SOUND

RUBBER was an ERASER

ASS was an ANIMAL

SCREW was just a METAL OBJECT

HEAD meant a PART OF THE BODY

BALLS meant a ROUND TOY

NUTS meant DRIED FRUIT

69 was just a NUMBER

...and then I came across Fab and all you perverts and my education was ruined!

And

TART was a PIE

BALL BAG was a GYM EQUIPMENT

FOOTSIE was the STOCK EXCHANGE

FAB was just a LOLLY

STOCKINGS were BIG SOCKS

TV was American for TELLY

CD was a COMPACT DISC

VA was a LONDON MUSEUM

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"I was so desperate for a piss whilst driving and i noticed an empty bottle in the footwell..i thought "how hard can it be?"..

Wow...It's hard. Really hard. However i relieved myself, did amazingly, because i didn't even spill a drop!

& can you believe?- He failed me for that..

So you're still running around with 'L' plates instead of 'P' plates then?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I was so desperate for a piss whilst driving and i noticed an empty bottle in the footwell..i thought "how hard can it be?"..

Wow...It's hard. Really hard. However i relieved myself, did amazingly, because i didn't even spill a drop!

& can you believe?- He failed me for that..

So you're still running around with 'L' plates instead of 'P' plates then?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. Now I’m banned from the library!!! "

Nice one

)

I've got quite a few others but they are more crude/rude...& beyond the "dad" realm, i guess.

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

Did you take the test in a G-Wizz?

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By *-4pleasureCouple over a year ago

Belfast

"What do you call a ginger head kid who’s good at karate?

Carroty kid

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Did you take the test in a G-Wizz?"

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By *hatYorkLadMan over a year ago

York

Bloke goes to the opticians, "I can't see very far" he says.

Optician says "come outside with me"

So they go outside, and the optician says "Look up there, tell me what you see"

Bloke says "Well, I can see the sun"

Optician replies sarcastically "Well how far do you want to fucking see?!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 01/12/21 17:10:22]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An 90 year old man goes to the doctor for a routine check up. The doctor says to him that he's doing very well and there's nothing really to worry about- all's great for his age.

The old man mentions to the doctor that he's living with a much younger wife now, in fact she's 25..He says he's somewhat concerned that he can't see to her "needs".. The doctor smiles and says, "Why don't you get a lodger? ..You know, like a younger person to stay at your place.. & perhaps they can help out."

The old man smiles back at him as he leaves the dr's office & goes on his way.

A few months later whist walking in the street, the old man bumps into the doctor. The doctor says "Hey, great to see you & you're looking well!"

"Thanks." the old man replies, "things are going really well in fact. My wife's pregnant"

"Wow, that's amazing news", replies the doctor. "Did you try getting a lodger by the way, like i suggested?"

"Yes" replies the 90 year old.

" & how's that going ?" asks the doctor.

"She's pregnant too."

My dad told me that joke btw, blame him.

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

Riiiiiiiiiggggggsby!

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

I've got a joke about your buttocks: it's really cheeky!

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

Why did Santa connect jump leads to Rudolph's antlers?

Because the silly bugger fell asleep, with his light on.

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By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

"When I was in school I was told:

PUSSY was a CAT

SEX meant GENDER

BITCH was a FEMALE DOG

DICK was a man's NAME

BANG was a SOUND

RUBBER was an ERASER

ASS was an ANIMAL

SCREW was just a METAL OBJECT

HEAD meant a PART OF THE BODY

BALLS meant a ROUND TOY

NUTS meant DRIED FRUIT

69 was just a NUMBER

...and then I came across Fab and all you perverts and my education was ruined!

And

TART was a PIE

BALL BAG was a GYM EQUIPMENT

FOOTSIE was the STOCK EXCHANGE

FAB was just a LOLLY

STOCKINGS were BIG SOCKS

TV was American for TELLY

CD was a COMPACT DISC

VA was a LONDON MUSEUM"

...

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By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shots of tequila.

The bartender asks: “That’s a lot! What’s the occasion?”

The guy replies: “My first blow job.”

The bartender says: “Well in that case buddy congratulations, the 7th one is free.”

The guy replies: “Erm, if six doesn’t get rid of the taste, then nothing will.”

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

Should've ask for a cocktail instead.

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

Oral sex: the taste of things to come.

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"When I was in school I was told:

PUSSY was a CAT

SEX meant GENDER

BITCH was a FEMALE DOG

DICK was a man's NAME

BANG was a SOUND

RUBBER was an ERASER

ASS was an ANIMAL

SCREW was just a METAL OBJECT

HEAD meant a PART OF THE BODY

BALLS meant a ROUND TOY

NUTS meant DRIED FRUIT

69 was just a NUMBER

...and then I came across Fab and all you perverts and my education was ruined!

And

TART was a PIE

BALL BAG was a GYM EQUIPMENT

FOOTSIE was the STOCK EXCHANGE

FAB was just a LOLLY

STOCKINGS were BIG SOCKS

TV was American for TELLY

CD was a COMPACT DISC

VA was a LONDON MUSEUM

...

FANNY was a GIRL'S NAME

DICK was a BOY'S NAME

TITS were GREE, BLUE, OR YELLOW

PLAYING was FOR CHILDREN

PLUM PUDDING was a FOOD

ORAL was the SPOKEN FRENCH EXAM

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man over a year ago

BRIDPORT

TITS were GREE, BLUE, OR YELLOW

TITS were GREAT when I was at school

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Ruislip

Back in Communist Russia, loyal party member Rudolph tells his wife that the weather is going to turn very wet. When his wife points out that she her copy of Pravda says it will be really sunny, he replied "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

PUPPIES were something DIRTY OLD MEN WANTED TO SHOW US, as a trap

PUPPIES are now something DIRTY WOMEN WANT TO SHOW US, as a treat

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Guy at Specsavers is told by the optician he must stop masturbating at once.

'Why, am I going blind?' asks the guy.

'No' says the optician, 'But you are upsetting everyone in the waiting room'.

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

"What do you get hanging from apple trees?

Dead arms

a few ancestors too!

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

What do you get after 5 days of wanking ?

A weekend

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By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear, the other’s a great year.

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

“But great pharaoh why have you brought me into your dark pyramid?”

“My sweet princess, why you did suggest we get a tomb..?”

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By *orny PTMan over a year ago

Peterborough

I got prosecuted twice for eating a Yorkie, when I was driving my lorry.

The first was from the police, for lack of attention.

The second was from the RSPCA

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