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Self destruction
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I have a good female friend who got a divorce from her husband earlier this year.. He left her on new years day basically, she is on medication for it and borderline alcoholic... Since then she has been going out so many times and ended up in bad ways and this Saturday got her phone stolen.. Then this morning she was on the phone (lucky for her she has an old iPhone) to the same lady planning the next night out...
With all the spiking of drinks out there and stabbings in city's becoming the new norm. Am I wrong to have a go at her and tell her that she is being self destructive and tempting fate? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That's the thing about self destruction.. It's their choice. The worst thing you can do is have a go at the person. Express your concern to them instead and let them know you are here if they need you. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help theirselves, you just need to be their support when they fall down. We all deal with things in different ways, a little understanding goes a long way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She might just need to blow off steam.
You need to separate the spiking and stabbing concern as that could happen anyone regardless on the level of intoxication.
If that's your concern rather than how her new behavior is impacting her health then it isn't valid concern.
If your a friend and genuinely concerned speak to her, just known there is a good chance it will blow up jn your face.
Imo the best thing to do is just be there as a supportive friend in a tough time. |
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Thanks for the advice I think I will take a step back and just be there if anything bad happens...but naturally feel useless really
What I meant in tempting fate is knowing the risk and 2 friends going out both being blind d*unk I believe should at least take it in turns one stays a bit more sober which is better when there is more in a group.. And I get the 'it won't happen to me' vibe.
And its sad.. In this day and age especially after covid regardless of a breakup or not women should be able to go out after a stressful week of work enjoy their night without the worry of spiking. Why do men always have to spoil the club scene.. And not saying all men as most are not like that some can be dicks after some Dutch courage of alcohol but there is no need. That's my rant over
I just soft like that and I care about her as a friend. |
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By *not123Couple
over a year ago
sp1 |
"Thanks for the advice I think I will take a step back and just be there if anything bad happens...but naturally feel useless really
What I meant in tempting fate is knowing the risk and 2 friends going out both being blind d*unk I believe should at least take it in turns one stays a bit more sober which is better when there is more in a group.. And I get the 'it won't happen to me' vibe.
And its sad.. In this day and age especially after covid regardless of a breakup or not women should be able to go out after a stressful week of work enjoy their night without the worry of spiking. Why do men always have to spoil the club scene.. And not saying all men as most are not like that some can be dicks after some Dutch courage of alcohol but there is no need. That's my rant over
I just soft like that and I care about her as a friend. "
Just be there for her.talk to her check in on her , having a go.could push her deeper and push you away and by the sounds of it she needs your friendship..problem with alcohol and anti depressants they will not work with alcohol. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's a hard one. I went through this when I went through my first big break up and felt the need to let off steam. At the time I didn't see it but afterwards I could see how destructive it was and I ended up being one of to those women who got their drink spiked.
Funnily enough the person that saved me from that I ended up marrying.
All you can do is let her know you're there for her and that if she finds herself in a situation that makes her uncomfortable she can always call you. If you call her out on her behaviour she's likely to shut down on you and pull away. |
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"You should go out with her you boring fart "
Most of the time it's out of Derby and I know this might sound obvious but I hardly drink or go out to clubs..
Never was my thing not that I didn't enjoy it when I did love the music and so on.. But just not me.. Not saying that she shouldn't go out I just wish she would be more careful.. This is why I feel she is in that destruction mode.. Before the split she be more sensible and have her wits about her...I just don't to see anything bad happen to her |
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"Let me know how this works out as I'm on the same route right now  "
Alcohol is never good when you in a bad place it makes all the problems worse I have spoken to her about this but it just goes in one hear and our other... I had hoped the theft of her phone would wake her up... But sadly its making her worse |
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"It's a hard one. I went through this when I went through my first big break up and felt the need to let off steam. At the time I didn't see it but afterwards I could see how destructive it was and I ended up being one of to those women who got their drink spiked.
Funnily enough the person that saved me from that I ended up marrying.
All you can do is let her know you're there for her and that if she finds herself in a situation that makes her uncomfortable she can always call you. If you call her out on her behaviour she's likely to shut down on you and pull away."
Sorry to hear about your situation but at least that had an happy ending |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That's the thing about self destruction.. It's their choice. The worst thing you can do is have a go at the person. Express your concern to them instead and let them know you are here if they need you. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help theirselves, you just need to be their support when they fall down. We all deal with things in different ways, a little understanding goes a long way."
If she carries on you may have to distance yourself from her OP. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Let me know how this works out as I'm on the same route right now
You have a similar friend or you are self destructing?
The latter "
Hope you can find someone to help and/ or talk to. There's text services if you don't want to talk on the phone. X |
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Hi, You are not her dad.
Just give her some advice on how to stay safe.
It's lovely of you to be concerned but I can't help thinking that a bloke going out and getting d*unk and having a good time doesn't get as much concern as women do ......
It's almost as if people think it's wrong for women.
I'd hate to see a friend go through that too but we have to think of our own sanity and take a few steps back.
Once you've given her some info and told her HOW to stay safe - and told her you care.
Step back and let her either light her blue touch paper or pour some water on it. |
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You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If she doesn't see an issue you can't force her to see it the same way you do and in trying there's a high likelihood she'll see it as more judgement than support. |
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Thats what I did today she always ask me to have another cup of tea.
(we work together) and I end up staying sometimes 2hrs over my shift I know she likes my company as much as I like hers and we have a laugh.. But when I heard her on the phone to her female friend who she was with Saturday planning the next night out I couldn't just sit there and listen to it all.. I am dealing my own stuff... So I told her straight how she would tell me. Straight I am not staying to listen to all that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thats what I did today she always ask me to have another cup of tea.
(we work together) and I end up staying sometimes 2hrs over my shift I know she likes my company as much as I like hers and we have a laugh.. But when I heard her on the phone to her female friend who she was with Saturday planning the next night out I couldn't just sit there and listen to it all.. I am dealing my own stuff... So I told her straight how she would tell me. Straight I am not staying to listen to all that "
What did she say? |
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"Thats what I did today she always ask me to have another cup of tea.
(we work together) and I end up staying sometimes 2hrs over my shift I know she likes my company as much as I like hers and we have a laugh.. But when I heard her on the phone to her female friend who she was with Saturday planning the next night out I couldn't just sit there and listen to it all.. I am dealing my own stuff... So I told her straight how she would tell me. Straight I am not staying to listen to all that "
Good for you. You have done what you can and as you say you have your life to get on with.
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I was in a relationship of sorts with someone like this a little over ten years ago now. Functioning alcoholic, recently divorced, “letting off steam” as her friends and family told me.
I can’t begin to explain how destructive it became for me (and yes that might sound selfish), how I would have to deal with the aftermath of one of her benders, how many times she cheated on me (literally could not be counted).
Where am I going with this? I’ve made it all about me haven’t I? No. You see I was a huge part of the problem, I created an enabling environment, she could destruct because I was there to pick up the pieces. I thought I was being good, but looking back, I now know I was being selfish, trying to “fix” someone and I couldn’t, pride didn’t make me realise that, until it was too late.
What I have learned from this is that there is a fine line between supporting people when they destruct and enabling people to destruct. I am sorry for your situation OP, but I would urge you to look at this situation with fresh eyes and do what is best for your own mental health first. |
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"Thats what I did today she always ask me to have another cup of tea.
(we work together) and I end up staying sometimes 2hrs over my shift I know she likes my company as much as I like hers and we have a laugh.. But when I heard her on the phone to her female friend who she was with Saturday planning the next night out I couldn't just sit there and listen to it all.. I am dealing my own stuff... So I told her straight how she would tell me. Straight I am not staying to listen to all that
What did she say?"
She didn't say anything, but could see by the look on her face why I said it and why I went early. |
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"I was in a relationship of sorts with someone like this a little over ten years ago now. Functioning alcoholic, recently divorced, “letting off steam” as her friends and family told me.
I can’t begin to explain how destructive it became for me (and yes that might sound selfish), how I would have to deal with the aftermath of one of her benders, how many times she cheated on me (literally could not be counted).
Where am I going with this? I’ve made it all about me haven’t I? No. You see I was a huge part of the problem, I created an enabling environment, she could destruct because I was there to pick up the pieces. I thought I was being good, but looking back, I now know I was being selfish, trying to “fix” someone and I couldn’t, pride didn’t make me realise that, until it was too late.
What I have learned from this is that there is a fine line between supporting people when they destruct and enabling people to destruct. I am sorry for your situation OP, but I would urge you to look at this situation with fresh eyes and do what is best for your own mental health first. "
I agree that's why I didn't stay like I normally do.. As this would have been the main topic... So making use of my free time at home by resting.
I hope its a faze she is going through and she will come out fine and nothing bad happens like one lady above mentioned... But she is on anti-depressants and it was only 2 weeks ago... When she was going to go out with friend... Blacked out and was out long enough for her friends to get her in the car to take her to the hospital.
And Monday she checked her pressure and it was sky high.. And now this
And yet she has been my rock in the past.. She is the one giving me advice on this or that and now I have to watch her go down hill |
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"I was in a relationship of sorts with someone like this a little over ten years ago now. Functioning alcoholic, recently divorced, “letting off steam” as her friends and family told me.
I can’t begin to explain how destructive it became for me (and yes that might sound selfish), how I would have to deal with the aftermath of one of her benders, how many times she cheated on me (literally could not be counted).
Where am I going with this? I’ve made it all about me haven’t I? No. You see I was a huge part of the problem, I created an enabling environment, she could destruct because I was there to pick up the pieces. I thought I was being good, but looking back, I now know I was being selfish, trying to “fix” someone and I couldn’t, pride didn’t make me realise that, until it was too late.
What I have learned from this is that there is a fine line between supporting people when they destruct and enabling people to destruct. I am sorry for your situation OP, but I would urge you to look at this situation with fresh eyes and do what is best for your own mental health first.
I agree that's why I didn't stay like I normally do.. As this would have been the main topic... So making use of my free time at home by resting.
I hope its a faze she is going through and she will come out fine and nothing bad happens like one lady above mentioned... But she is on anti-depressants and it was only 2 weeks ago... When she was going to go out with friend... Blacked out and was out long enough for her friends to get her in the car to take her to the hospital.
And Monday she checked her pressure and it was sky high.. And now this
And yet she has been my rock in the past.. She is the one giving me advice on this or that and now I have to watch her go down hill "
Have you told her how concerned you are about her? |
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"Just noticed you said 'had a go at her' .....
Not exactly friendly.
I've never been battered into good behaviour - mentally or physically. It generally has the opposite effect."
Yer that came out wrong I didn't have a go at her in a nasty way.. I pretty much said what I wrote here but not in a angry way.. It just upset me to see a good friend who has been there for me do this that's all |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just noticed you said 'had a go at her' .....
Not exactly friendly.
I've never been battered into good behaviour - mentally or physically. It generally has the opposite effect.
Yer that came out wrong I didn't have a go at her in a nasty way.. I pretty much said what I wrote here but not in a angry way.. It just upset me to see a good friend who has been there for me do this that's all "
It's sounding like you're a bit annoyed that she's no longer there for you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was in a relationship of sorts with someone like this a little over ten years ago now. Functioning alcoholic, recently divorced, “letting off steam” as her friends and family told me.
I can’t begin to explain how destructive it became for me (and yes that might sound selfish), how I would have to deal with the aftermath of one of her benders, how many times she cheated on me (literally could not be counted).
Where am I going with this? I’ve made it all about me haven’t I? No. You see I was a huge part of the problem, I created an enabling environment, she could destruct because I was there to pick up the pieces. I thought I was being good, but looking back, I now know I was being selfish, trying to “fix” someone and I couldn’t, pride didn’t make me realise that, until it was too late.
What I have learned from this is that there is a fine line between supporting people when they destruct and enabling people to destruct. I am sorry for your situation OP, but I would urge you to look at this situation with fresh eyes and do what is best for your own mental health first. "
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was in a relationship of sorts with someone like this a little over ten years ago now. Functioning alcoholic, recently divorced, “letting off steam” as her friends and family told me.
I can’t begin to explain how destructive it became for me (and yes that might sound selfish), how I would have to deal with the aftermath of one of her benders, how many times she cheated on me (literally could not be counted).
Where am I going with this? I’ve made it all about me haven’t I? No. You see I was a huge part of the problem, I created an enabling environment, she could destruct because I was there to pick up the pieces. I thought I was being good, but looking back, I now know I was being selfish, trying to “fix” someone and I couldn’t, pride didn’t make me realise that, until it was too late.
What I have learned from this is that there is a fine line between supporting people when they destruct and enabling people to destruct. I am sorry for your situation OP, but I would urge you to look at this situation with fresh eyes and do what is best for your own mental health first.
I agree that's why I didn't stay like I normally do.. As this would have been the main topic... So making use of my free time at home by resting.
I hope its a faze she is going through and she will come out fine and nothing bad happens like one lady above mentioned... But she is on anti-depressants and it was only 2 weeks ago... When she was going to go out with friend... Blacked out and was out long enough for her friends to get her in the car to take her to the hospital.
And Monday she checked her pressure and it was sky high.. And now this
And yet she has been my rock in the past.. She is the one giving me advice on this or that and now I have to watch her go down hill "
Ask her advice on a friend who is being self destructive. Give all the details about what *she* is doing. It might make her see things differently.
It was good that she was there for you and you are trying to help her too. But if she won't listen you have to leave her to it.
Some anti depressants react badly with alcohol. At least her other friends got her to hospital.
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In my opinion, you would be wrong to have a go at her! I appreciate we don’t know the whole story and situation, but maybe a good friend and some support is what she needs? I would talk to her and let her know your concerns without being judgemental! If she’s alcohol dependent she may chose not to listen, but if you have a go then the chances of her listening are slimmer, that could put her defences up and cause her to withdraw from you! Good luck, and remember you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be rescued, only she can do that! Miss pc |
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"Just noticed you said 'had a go at her' .....
Not exactly friendly.
I've never been battered into good behaviour - mentally or physically. It generally has the opposite effect.
Yer that came out wrong I didn't have a go at her in a nasty way.. I pretty much said what I wrote here but not in a angry way.. It just upset me to see a good friend who has been there for me do this that's all
It's sounding like you're a bit annoyed that she's no longer there for you "
She is still there for me nothing has changed it is just upsetting to see a friend go this way. Maybe it's me... Maybe I shouldn't care about anyone from how you put it maybe friends shouldn't care for each other and just let her go down a dark path and think thank god thats not me.
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"...
It's sounding like you're a bit annoyed that she's no longer there for you "
It has sounded to me that you are wasting each other's time.
All you really have in common is working together. That gives you the chance to impose your views on her.
Everything I am reading about both of you (via second hand information from you about her) leads me to believe you are not a good match..
Whilst she obviously appears to be interested in going out, the same seems not the case for you for you.Have you got someone else tying you down? I'm having to read between the lines far too much with you.
Let her go and stop dishing out advice in the hope of some 'thank you' nooky, if that is what t is truthfully about.. |
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Can't believe some people here... Reading between the lines? We are friends I have known her and her ex husband for over 7 years her and her mum rent my apartment in Bulgaria, she helped me get my job twice in the building she has been there for me when my dad passed away then a year after when me and my ex split
In all 7 or so years we never argued, always joked and can talk about anything no matter what the topic..i was the first person she told when her husband left her (mostly due to me sending her odd jokes about them both) she has been my rock in the past when I needed it...but over the last few months I have noticed a change and I know its to with the break up and all I can do is sit and watch and hope to advice and give her support the best I know how..her friend who she goes drinking with is a bad influence...I have noticed this.. And shuttly pointed this out, and I said I would text her Sunday morning to make sure she is OK and she phoned me from her friends phone to explain.
And yes I was a bit angry with her this morning when she started planning her next night out with the same lady..
And I feel kinda helpless and i know there is nothing I can do so that's why I left early and we have chatted since on messenger and again I expressed my concern and that I am sorry that I care but it is what it is. But it is right to Just 'read between the lines' when you don't know a thing about our friendship |
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I think compassion for others is generally better shared in a sensitive, caring way than 'having a go' at someone.
Ultimately, she probably has to want to make changes, for her to have the greatest likelihood of success and continuation. Feeling pushed, or perceiving criticism, can make people have different responses than may be in their best interests. Some resist automatically, if sensing pressures.
How you lead someone to gain a realisation that we think they should have, isn't perhaps the best goal. Letting her know that she has uncritical support may work, as a good foundation. She's lost hopes and dreams potentially, perhaps trust in others and her own judgement, as well as knocks to self esteem etc. Letting her have the space she needs to talk and share is probably ideal.
Her partying is perhaps the habit that she's fallen into, trying to escape her pain.
I think that you can only talk and then talk some more, leaving her to reflect more on what options she has, ss well as how she could live her life that may help her. |
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"I think compassion for others is generally better shared in a sensitive, caring way than 'having a go' at someone.
Ultimately, she probably has to want to make changes, for her to have the greatest likelihood of success and continuation. Feeling pushed, or perceiving criticism, can make people have different responses than may be in their best interests. Some resist automatically, if sensing pressures.
How you lead someone to gain a realisation that we think they should have, isn't perhaps the best goal. Letting her know that she has uncritical support may work, as a good foundation. She's lost hopes and dreams potentially, perhaps trust in others and her own judgement, as well as knocks to self esteem etc. Letting her have the space she needs to talk and share is probably ideal.
Her partying is perhaps the habit that she's fallen into, trying to escape her pain.
I think that you can only talk and then talk some more, leaving her to reflect more on what options she has, ss well as how she could live her life that may help her. "
I agree and this is what I have been doing.. And sometimes she will come in like last week after drinking a lot she said somethings got to change.. So she knows what's what. This is why I was surprised to hear her planning another night out.. Sure its just a phone and an old phone the only benefit out of all this she got rid of that crap old iPhone 6 and now getting new one lol
I know it's a faze she going though and it will I hope will pass and she will slow down... I just worry that's all.. I wouldn't be a good friend if u didn't care or worry |
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"Can't believe some people here... Reading between the lines? We are friends I have known her and her ex husband for over 7 years her and her mum rent my apartment in Bulgaria, she helped me get my job twice in the building she has been there for me when my dad passed away then a year after when me and my ex split
In all 7 or so years we never argued, always joked and can talk about anything no matter what the topic..i was the first person she told when her husband left her (mostly due to me sending her odd jokes about them both) she has been my rock in the past when I needed it...but over the last few months I have noticed a change and I know its to with the break up and all I can do is sit and watch and hope to advice and give her support the best I know how..her friend who she goes drinking with is a bad influence...I have noticed this.. And shuttly pointed this out, and I said I would text her Sunday morning to make sure she is OK and she phoned me from her friends phone to explain.
And yes I was a bit angry with her this morning when she started planning her next night out with the same lady..
And I feel kinda helpless and i know there is nothing I can do so that's why I left early and we have chatted since on messenger and again I expressed my concern and that I am sorry that I care but it is what it is.
But it is right to Just 'read between the lines' when you don't know a thing about our friendship "
You really can't have it both ways. What alternative do we have but to read between the lines when you wait until now to start fleshing out some of the details.
If I come back to this thread I will remain a mere observer. |
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or man come to that. 
