FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Can you feel my heart?
Can you feel my heart?
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"Some of you may have noticed that very recently ive been hitting my low period, well i fell hard and fast. Yesterday i cut off a conversation with a woman who "extended a hand of friendship" as she was interested in me. Due to how low i was feeling, i politely said that i couldnt continue chatting as i didnt feel i was what she was looking for. This morning ive had to distance myself with another woman who i had been chatting with for a few days now, and we had been really hitting it off. She has been listening to my problems and showing me kindness, but i had to distance myself to avoid becoming attached to her (something i need to avoid due the problems i have). So anything sexual related has been called off. Since 4pm yesterday til 9am this morning, i was laying in bed, in total silence and darkness, of those 17 hours, i slept for 5. I went out to the shop shortly before 10 and put my headphones on and listened to Bring Me The Horizon. A particular song came on "Can You Feel My Heart", as i listened to the lyrics i felt how much they are relevant to me now. It put things into perspective for me, why i feel this low, the things i do and say when i feel like this. One part of the lyrics goes - "I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone I long for that feeling to not feel at all The higher I get, the lower I'll sink I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim" That first line is the very reason why im on fab, but i do things like push ppl away. I hate being alone, but when i feel low i feel like im never good enough for anyone. The second line is the reason why i deliberately make myself feel worse when i feel this way. Tearing my soul to shreds like when you tear a muscle, while it helps my soul grow in a positive way, like muscle growth when you tear the fibers, and is meant to help me stop feeling jealousy, envy, hatred and rage, it also destroys the receptors and prevents me from feeling compassion, love and kindness given from others. The third line, the happier i become during my high periods, the worse i feel when i hit the low period of the cycle. The reasons that trigger my low period and why i hit them so hard and fast are too long winded to get into right now. And that final line, my demons know how to swim because i taught them how to swim. I willingly gave them a place within my soul. I didnt try to shut them out. I knew that giving them a place in my soul and teaching them how to swim in the oceans of my mind, we can work together in a good way, even if their presence can still sting. After that brief period of listening to those lyrics and understanding why i fell so hard, it kickstarted something... can you feel my heart? Its beating again. I think... maybe... the storm has passed, it was raining before i left the house, the blue sky started to show as i went to the shop. But there were still little droplets as i walked back, little reminders that the storm is never truly gone, and it will return." Sending love and hugs mate. Been there myself. Stay strong and try and stay positive. The storm will pass ?? | |||
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"OP can you still be friends with those women? If you explain how you feel they may understand and be ok to step back when you tell them you need some 'dark space'. Then when the storm passes you could chat to them again? "Im still friends with one and we are talking it through so there arent any complications. As for the other i dont know if i should, though if im honest, i genuinely feel im probably not what she is looking for, so id rather be honest with them about it and not play it out simply to get my dick wet, im better than that | |||
"Maybe fab isn't the best place to be for your current mindset There's no shame in that " Theres few places for me if i think like that. But fab has helped me a lot in other ways too, it makes no sense to me to sacrifice the benefits for the sake of a few downfalls. Other communities ive been a part of have been far less mature, a lot more toxic, and less open and understanding. While i struggle to fit in anywhere i go, i do feel more at home on fab than most other places ive been around | |||
"Maybe fab isn't the best place to be for your current mindset There's no shame in that " This. It sounds like you can't cope with people getting close and pulling and pushing them around isn't exactly good for anyone involved. | |||
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"Maybe fab isn't the best place to be for your current mindset There's no shame in that This. It sounds like you can't cope with people getting close and pulling and pushing them around isn't exactly good for anyone involved. " No its not good for others, but then ive been like that wherever ive gone, and ive been in far worse places that were way more toxic and unforgiving. But if thats a reason to stay away then i wont have anywhere to go. At least for the most part, fab is more forgiving and mature, and it does provide a social aspect (excluding the sexual nature) that most other places dont have, at least in the online world that is. And i literally dont know anyone who lives close by and well, corona put a stop to a lot of social gatherings, not that there are many in my area to begin with that i would want to attend | |||
"Maybe fab isn't the best place to be for your current mindset There's no shame in that This. It sounds like you can't cope with people getting close and pulling and pushing them around isn't exactly good for anyone involved. No its not good for others, but then ive been like that wherever ive gone, and ive been in far worse places that were way more toxic and unforgiving. But if thats a reason to stay away then i wont have anywhere to go. At least for the most part, fab is more forgiving and mature, and it does provide a social aspect (excluding the sexual nature) that most other places dont have, at least in the online world that is. And i literally dont know anyone who lives close by and well, corona put a stop to a lot of social gatherings, not that there are many in my area to begin with that i would want to attend" I just think if it exacerbates your struggles then it's not kind to yourself to stick around. But we only know what you tell us. Probably tip of the iceberg. Just pick the good bits like some forum stuff. And try not to hurt others in the process. | |||
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"Maybe fab isn't the best place to be for your current mindset There's no shame in that This. It sounds like you can't cope with people getting close and pulling and pushing them around isn't exactly good for anyone involved. No its not good for others, but then ive been like that wherever ive gone, and ive been in far worse places that were way more toxic and unforgiving. But if thats a reason to stay away then i wont have anywhere to go. At least for the most part, fab is more forgiving and mature, and it does provide a social aspect (excluding the sexual nature) that most other places dont have, at least in the online world that is. And i literally dont know anyone who lives close by and well, corona put a stop to a lot of social gatherings, not that there are many in my area to begin with that i would want to attend" It's a wee bit selfish not to consider or dismiss how your behaviour could potentially affect those you're interacting with. You can't expect people to be always forgiving of that just because it's how you've always been | |||
"Maybe fab isn't the best place to be for your current mindset There's no shame in that This. It sounds like you can't cope with people getting close and pulling and pushing them around isn't exactly good for anyone involved. No its not good for others, but then ive been like that wherever ive gone, and ive been in far worse places that were way more toxic and unforgiving. But if thats a reason to stay away then i wont have anywhere to go. At least for the most part, fab is more forgiving and mature, and it does provide a social aspect (excluding the sexual nature) that most other places dont have, at least in the online world that is. And i literally dont know anyone who lives close by and well, corona put a stop to a lot of social gatherings, not that there are many in my area to begin with that i would want to attend I just think if it exacerbates your struggles then it's not kind to yourself to stick around. But we only know what you tell us. Probably tip of the iceberg. Just pick the good bits like some forum stuff. And try not to hurt others in the process. " It may seem that way from an alternate perspective but again it doesnt matter where i am, something will exacerbate my struggles and trigger things once again. At the end of the day i weigh up my options. Wherever i go and whatever i do im going to face something thatll trigger something i struggle with, and the way i see it, i may have the odd low period during my time on fab, but at the same time i can continue developing opportunities for myself when im doing better I havent lived much of a life and now that im 30, i dont want to keep sitting by the wayside and be at the mercy of my emotions. Id rather stick around and pursue the experiences i want to have even if i hit a few bumps along the road | |||
"It's a wee bit selfish not to consider or dismiss how your behaviour could potentially affect those you're interacting with. You can't expect people to be always forgiving of that just because it's how you've always been " I dont dismiss how it can affect others around me. For example, the woman who i cut things off with, i was polite when i did it, i apologised for dropping it on them, i briefly explained why i was doing it, and wished them well for the future. I tried to consider her as well. Im a bit of an emotional wreck, not an asshole. As for the other woman, we are still friends, she completely understands how i feel and we talking it through to avoid any complications but also to maintain something between us. While everyone can be inadvertently selfish from time to time by mistake, im not selfish out of sheer ignorance. Trying to consider other ppl has always been a part of me even to a fault. And no i dont ever expect ppl to forgive me and neither do i ask for it, whatever the consequences of my actions are i take full responsibility of them, if they dont want to forgive me, thats their choice and i respect that | |||
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"no judgements here but do you suffer with seasonal affective disorder at all? would one of those daylight lamps possibly be of help if so? I would urge you to consider a chat with the GP perhaps? low mood isn't something we have to endure without help. I guess letting people in when things are tough is a challenge to many, especially in a NSA arrangement with other swingers, but not good to suffer in silence either. Hope you feel better soon. " I honestly dont know, i have considered it, i do love the summer days as im a cold blooded person and i love the heat and sunshine. But i also oddly thrive in the winter too (maybe its the wolf inside me) i love snow, even though i hate the cold. So i dont think if its seasonal Ive spoken to mental health teams before, especially when i was on suicide watch twice, the only course of action i have really is therapy cos i will not take meds. Im too much of a purist and believer of more natural solutions to be sticking pills in me But ive always been apprehensive of therapy, would do me any more good than what i already do for myself given my knowledge of psychology and my spiritual beliefs, and how i spend a grest deal of time self reflecting and addressing my issues myself | |||
"Maybe fab isn't the best place to be for your current mindset There's no shame in that " • Completely agree. Focus on what's more important: you, your mind and your mental well-being. Fab isn't going anywhere. It will be poorer without you. We will still be here...to welcome you with open arms. | |||
