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Best put downs
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In a previous job I took over a team who were far from high performing. I reviewed all their appraisals and performance review notes, only to find on one of them "has delusions of adequacy".
Harsh, but I have to admit it was accurate. |
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"In a previous job I took over a team who were far from high performing. I reviewed all their appraisals and performance review notes, only to find on one of them "has delusions of adequacy".
Harsh, but I have to admit it was accurate."
Oh my god  that is cutting but I think I have a few of those at work |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some stuck up wench at work was being a 'diva' so my mate told said 'oh get over yourself, 99% of your looks can be wiped of with a wet wipe' hahaha  "
Omg !!!!!! |
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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago
Shrewsbury |
"Whats the most brutal put down you’ve used or heard…
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's arse and wait.
Usual rules it’s for fun and don’t be a dick - that’s my job!! "
laught way too much at that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The way to tell if someone lacks wit is when they try to throw an insult using the most obvious feature that they deem to be a disadvantage; in my case, it's my lack of height. My usual put-down to them:
'If that's the best you can come up with, at least I tower over you in intellect.' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Someone called me a fat cunt to my face while I was training.
My response….”you’re absolutely right, I am a fat cunt. But, I’m training hard so that one day I won’t be a fat cunt. You however, are a cunt, will stay a cunt, and no amount of work you could do to ‘improve’ yourself, will ever stop you from being a cunt.”
Cue, a round of applause from other members at my gym. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My normal go to one
When a get called a (4 letter word)
Your right I am a (4 letter word) and love it hi at least us (4 letter word) have all the fun but damm must be a real bad day when not even the (4 letter word) will ride you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Someone called me a fat cunt to my face while I was training.
My response….”you’re absolutely right, I am a fat cunt. But, I’m training hard so that one day I won’t be a fat cunt. You however, are a cunt, will stay a cunt, and no amount of work you could do to ‘improve’ yourself, will ever stop you from being a cunt.”
Cue, a round of applause from other members at my gym. "
brilliant |
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"Someone called me a fat cunt to my face while I was training.
My response….”you’re absolutely right, I am a fat cunt. But, I’m training hard so that one day I won’t be a fat cunt. You however, are a cunt, will stay a cunt, and no amount of work you could do to ‘improve’ yourself, will ever stop you from being a cunt.”
Cue, a round of applause from other members at my gym. brilliant "
You propet filt them! You can't polish a turd this is true. hahaha |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Someone called me a fat cunt to my face while I was training.
My response….”you’re absolutely right, I am a fat cunt. But, I’m training hard so that one day I won’t be a fat cunt. You however, are a cunt, will stay a cunt, and no amount of work you could do to ‘improve’ yourself, will ever stop you from being a cunt.”
Cue, a round of applause from other members at my gym. brilliant You propet filt them! You can't polish a turd this is true. hahaha "
He caught me at a really bad time |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whats the most brutal put down you’ve used or heard…
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's arse and wait.
Usual rules it’s for fun and don’t be a dick - that’s my job!! "
That made me laugh so much I don't know if I even need to read the rest. |
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"In a previous job I took over a team who were far from high performing. I reviewed all their appraisals and performance review notes, only to find on one of them "has delusions of adequacy".
Harsh, but I have to admit it was accurate.
Oh my god that is cutting but I think I have a few of those at work "
That describes about 50% of my colleagues. Haven’t seen any of them since March 2020 either…. The other 50% have gone above & beyond since then - which is unusual for them too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your Mum told me you'd say that, at least I think she was talking to me, we weren't the only ones there... and she had her mouth full.
COurtesy of Jimmy Carr that one. |
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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
One place I worked at, the boss was sacking a guy who was useless.
"Don't look at it as a sacking, look at it that I am giving you the opportunity to be successful elsewhere" was how he did the sacking! |
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"Whats the most brutal put down you’ve used or heard…
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's arse and wait.
Usual rules it’s for fun and don’t be a dick - that’s my job!!
That made me laugh so much I don't know if I even need to read the rest. "
do - you’ll definitely miss out - this lot are geniuses!! Some crackers
In here xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some stuck up wench at work was being a 'diva' so my mate told said 'oh get over yourself, 99% of your looks can be wiped of with a wet wipe' hahaha "
Hahahaha |
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"Someone called me a fat cunt to my face while I was training.
My response….”you’re absolutely right, I am a fat cunt. But, I’m training hard so that one day I won’t be a fat cunt. You however, are a cunt, will stay a cunt, and no amount of work you could do to ‘improve’ yourself, will ever stop you from being a cunt.”
Cue, a round of applause from other members at my gym. "
•
That reminds me of the Winston Churchill quip:
"I may be d*unk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.".  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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'I wouldn't say you were an unpopular arsehole, but when you die, you'll be lucky if the undertaker turns up.'
'If he fell into a barrel of tits, he'd come out sucking his thumb.'
'Ugly? She's got a face like a Ragman's trumpet.' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"One place I worked at, the boss was sacking a guy who was useless.
"Don't look at it as a sacking, look at it that I am giving you the opportunity to be successful elsewhere" was how he did the sacking!"
 |
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I used to work with a cocky little shit of a guy, who wore the most ridiculously tight trousers to work. One day he was doing his usual thing of telling tall tales of someone he'd had sex with that wasn't his wife, but he was insisting on trying to drag me into the conversation 
I just sighed, turned and looked at his groin and said "mate, I really hope for any of their sakes that you're a grower, because we can all see what you're packing and that TicTac dick isn't impressing anyone" |
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"I used to work with a cocky little shit of a guy, who wore the most ridiculously tight trousers to work. One day he was doing his usual thing of telling tall tales of someone he'd had sex with that wasn't his wife, but he was insisting on trying to drag me into the conversation
I just sighed, turned and looked at his groin and said "mate, I really hope for any of their sakes that you're a grower, because we can all see what you're packing and that TicTac dick isn't impressing anyone" "
Pmsl xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My go to is
'You are literally too stupid to insult'"
Kind of along these lines, but "You're not even wrong" is great for people who say shit do dumb it's can't even be proven wrong. Reserved for conspiracy nuts on the whole. |
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"My go to is
'You are literally too stupid to insult'
Kind of along these lines, but "You're not even wrong" is great for people who say shit do dumb it's can't even be proven wrong. Reserved for conspiracy nuts on the whole."
- Met a few of them!!! #tinfoilhat |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A friend was playing on a fruit machine in a very busy tightly packed pub, a larger lady tapped him on the shoulder and said very politely "excuse me can I get past? " He looked her up and down, then at the space behind him looked her squarely in the eye and said "physics says no" turned round and carried on playing on the fruit machine. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Someone called me a fat cunt to my face while I was training.
My response….”you’re absolutely right, I am a fat cunt. But, I’m training hard so that one day I won’t be a fat cunt. You however, are a cunt, will stay a cunt, and no amount of work you could do to ‘improve’ yourself, will ever stop you from being a cunt.”
Cue, a round of applause from other members at my gym. "
AWESOME Dude ..HUGE SALUTE to you  ..you ROCK !! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A friend was playing on a fruit machine in a very busy tightly packed pub, a larger lady tapped him on the shoulder and said very politely "excuse me can I get past? " He looked her up and down, then at the space behind him looked her squarely in the eye and said "physics says no" turned round and carried on playing on the fruit machine."
In all fairness to your friend , he was a total arrogant asshole. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A friend was playing on a fruit machine in a very busy tightly packed pub, a larger lady tapped him on the shoulder and said very politely "excuse me can I get past? " He looked her up and down, then at the space behind him looked her squarely in the eye and said "physics says no" turned round and carried on playing on the fruit machine.
In all fairness to your friend , he was a total arrogant asshole."
Yep.....but the post calls for the most brutal put down.....and this is it. |
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"A friend was playing on a fruit machine in a very busy tightly packed pub, a larger lady tapped him on the shoulder and said very politely "excuse me can I get past? " He looked her up and down, then at the space behind him looked her squarely in the eye and said "physics says no" turned round and carried on playing on the fruit machine.
In all fairness to your friend , he was a total arrogant asshole.
Yep.....but the post calls for the most brutal put down.....and this is it."
I guess the thread is about putting down those people who have acted twattily ( its a word!!) and they kinda get their just desserts - from what you said the woman was very polite- so your mate didn’t deliver a put down he delivered an undeserved insult - the Jury find in favour of the lady in this case !!! Your mate needs a hedgehog suppository ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm generally the tolerant type but one particularly nasty, and regular, colleague pissed me off that I told him 'You know Neil, until I met you I didn't realise you could stack shit that high.'
He was always fine with me after that. |
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"Whats the most brutal put down you’ve used or heard…
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's arse and wait.
Usual rules it’s for fun and don’t be a dick - that’s my job!! "
This might have been my most efficient one, perhaps not so very brutal though. I received a message from someone who seemed interested in me and wanted to meet me. There was little information to go on on his profile but he sent some photos and I would have been happy to meet at one of the social events I go to (which he could also see in the calendar)and replied to say that. After seemingly accepting that answer he then sent a message again, pressing me to meet in private because he did not have time for social events.
The main gist on my response was this:
I care about your preferences just as much as you care about mine. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whats the most brutal put down you’ve used or heard…
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's arse and wait.
Usual rules it’s for fun and don’t be a dick - that’s my job!! "
Yer maw sells teabags out of her false leg. |
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"Whats the most brutal put down you’ve used or heard…
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's arse and wait.
Usual rules it’s for fun and don’t be a dick - that’s my job!!
This might have been my most efficient one, perhaps not so very brutal though. I received a message from someone who seemed interested in me and wanted to meet me. There was little information to go on on his profile but he sent some photos and I would have been happy to meet at one of the social events I go to (which he could also see in the calendar)and replied to say that. After seemingly accepting that answer he then sent a message again, pressing me to meet in private because he did not have time for social events.
The main gist on my response was this:
I care about your preferences just as much as you care about mine. "
Thats efficiently lethal id say xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like you..I don't care what the others say  "
And that makes someone feel terrible because they know they can never understand why someone likes them when no one else does so they wrack their brain trying find ways to disappoint you because you liking them means they suddenly have something at stake. And really, that's the biggest put down of all. Absolutely brutal, Anabelle |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whats the most brutal put down you’ve used or heard…
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's arse and wait.
Usual rules it’s for fun and don’t be a dick - that’s my job!! "
I saw “your ass must be jealous of all of the shit that comes out of your mouth” , which made me titter (PS The comment wasn’t aimed at me, honestly ??) |
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As usual the standards are amazing here. I actually used one from this thread at a board meeting yesterday - ‘ i see the gate to knobhead farm got left open this morning!’ When someone tried to baffle us with bullshit when they just hadn’t done the work.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The way to tell if someone lacks wit is when they try to throw an insult using the most obvious feature that they deem to be a disadvantage; in my case, it's my lack of height. My usual put-down to them:
'If that's the best you can come up with, at least I tower over you in intellect.'"
My response would be the only thing you could tower over is a toddler if you got on a step ladder.... if you were filled with intellect you would be 2" taller ....still not making it past 3ft! (P.s I'm not tall)... |
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Said to the office worker who constantly bragged to the whole team (in earshot of the boss) his every single miniscule achievement...
"Why are you always blowing your trumpet when it's so full of shit ?"
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"Ask me why I’m fat
Why are you fat?
I’m fat cos every time I shag your mrs she gives me a biscuit "
I heard a good one from one of my mates when I was about 18 or 19.
You've put a bit of weight on!
Yeah I've been eating too much of your mum's pussy. |
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1) Did you get the number?
What number?
The registration number of the bus
What bus?
The bus that ran over your face, after all you couldn't have been born that ugly.
2) Are you suing the laboratory?
What laboratory?
The laboratory where you were created, I take it that you are the result of genetic experiment that went badly wrong when someone scientists crossed a crab egg with a human sperm, and you were the result.
3) Have you ever considered getting a miners lamp on your forehead. As your head seems so far up your own arse, it might help you to see clearer in that dark passage.
4) Have you ever thought of getting yourself an agent? It might save you having to handle yourself all the time!
Plenty more in the store! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To an ex work colleague who was an unrelenting prick.....
"I just had a thought!"
Let's hope it doesn't die of loneliness.
"Something just crossed my mind"
Not a long journey.
"Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?"
It saves time.
Winston |
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"Whats the most brutal put down you’ve used or heard…
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's arse and wait.
Usual rules it’s for fun and don’t be a dick - that’s my job!! "
I shall not name her, but it’s “ come back when you’ve grown a dick”  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In a previous job I took over a team who were far from high performing. I reviewed all their appraisals and performance review notes, only to find on one of them "has delusions of adequacy".
Harsh, but I have to admit it was accurate."
I actually LOL at that. Quality! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was working for one firm where a couple of the Girls I was mates with were dating other Guys in the Office. Another Girl who fancied herself rotten constantly flirted with the two Guys to the extent that my friends got quite annoyed and emotional. So this other Girl walked by the 3 of us one time and I asked ‘are you wearing black for its slimming properties?’ ‘Yes’ she replied. ‘Well it’s not working!’ Was my put down. My friends were quite happy at that! |
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By *ermite12ukMan
over a year ago
Solihull and Brentwood |
I worked in an off licence, and used the following, on a bunch of lads, that were giving me lip.
"You lot are the best advert I've ever seen for Durex."
They left the shop, very happy. Didn't have the heart to burst their bubble. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm not saying he/she is unattractive, but it looks they been bobbin' for apples in a deep fat frier.....
When the good lord was dishing out the looks he/she thought he said books, and asked for something by Steven King.
Winston |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was in the galley at work where there was a man sitting on his own and some wise guy shouted to him the usual halfwit comment "oh, I see you're sitting with your pals". Quick as a flash he gave the best reply ever - no, I'm not. I'm sitting with yours". Class! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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While working in a pub many moons ago, I heard a guy say this to one of his mates at the bar.
You're so ugly, if you stayed at the Neverland ranch as a child, MJ would of told you to sleep in spare room. |
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