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Cheesy jokes
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie
Straight out the gates with a belter.
Knickin that!"
I have a few more cheese puns. But none of them are any gouda. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Is it me, or does Danish Blue sound like porn studio?
What cheese do pensioners eat?
Saga!
A mix of blue cheese and brie, creamy, blue-veined cheese with a white-mould rind. Saga is a very mild blue-veined cheese. It comes with a delicate blue mold, that may not appear in other varieties of blue cheeses. It is aged for more than 60 days. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Father forgive me, for I have sinned
What is it, you wish to seek forgiveness for my child?
I have spent all the rent money at the pub, now the landlord is taking me to court.
(he then thumbs up his trusty book of sins and punishments and whispers a little bit too loudly)
'ail Mary?
I'm not Mary, I'm her sister Doris and 10:30's a bit too early for me to hit the bottle.
Shame on you father!  |
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Englishman scotsman welshman walk into a cafe english orders egg chips beans
Scots orders eggs sausage chips
Welsh orders bacon sausage egg and chips
Which one is the sailor man the one with the sailors suit on....well my grandad did tell it me as a kid  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it me, or does Danish Blue sound like porn studio?
What cheese do pensioners eat?
Saga!
A mix of blue cheese and brie, creamy, blue-veined cheese with a white-mould rind. Saga is a very mild blue-veined cheese. It comes with a delicate blue mold, that may not appear in other varieties of blue cheeses. It is aged for more than 60 days."
Is a joke any good if you have to explain it? |
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I just bought my Xmas tree from B&Q. The woman at the checkout smiled and asked "Are you going to be putting it up yourself?"
I said "Err, no you dirty bitch. I'm putting it up in the living room..." |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"I just swallowed a stack of Scrabble tiles by accident.....
My next poop could spell disaster!   "
Oops is an anagram of poos.
If you're constiapted and feel like you've got writer's block, then you can always work it it out with a pencil. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil. "
Seven seas, by any chance?
Never mind, we can get you cream for that, or even a L'ocean in foam or tub varieties! |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Alton Towers are doing a programme on Channel 5, next March dedicated to each iconic ride. Episode one is The Corkscrew and the troubles they had getting it built and approved by the public.
It's got some ups and downs and plenty of twists! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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New mum breastfeeding in the park when an old gentleman sits down beside her.
"What does baby drink?"
"Milk and orange juice" replies mum
"Really? Which one is the orange juice?"
|
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"New mum breastfeeding in the park when an old gentleman sits down beside her.
"What does baby drink?"
"Milk and orange juice" replies mum
"Really? Which one is the orange juice?"
"
Does he like milk stout? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A major study has found that the height of individual rungs of a ladder is now over an inch higher than it was 20 years ago.
Absolute evidence of climb it change. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"A major study has found that the height of individual rungs of a ladder is now over an inch higher than it was 20 years ago.
Absolute evidence of climb it change."
So what steps are you taking?
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie"
I was in a restaurant and a guy was chucking bits of cheese at me, I thought.. "how dairy!?" .. BOM tish |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie
I was in a restaurant and a guy was chucking bits of cheese at me, I thought.. "how dairy!?" .. BOM tish "
The leper threw a punch so we picked it up and threw it back |
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What is the slowest moving creature on the planet?
Even Alexa got this one when I asked the question at a party.
Answer is, the slowest moving creature on the planet is a nudist climbing through a barbed wire fence. |
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"Condoms are like crisps.
You can buy them in pubs and shops and they come in several varieties too:
Plain
Flavoured
Ridged
Extra thick
Extra large
"
And written in big letters at the top of each condom machine are the words:
BUY ME AND STOP ONE |
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"Condoms are like crisps.
You can buy them in pubs and shops and they come in several varieties too:
Plain
Flavoured
Ridged
Extra thick
Extra large
And written in big letters at the top of each condom machine are the words:
BUY ME AND STOP ONE "
a pub I used to drink in someone wrote on the condom machine “If empty see barman if full see barmaid “ it was scrubbed off many times but it always appeared again lol |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
A boy runs to his mother crying and say mother,my brother David said that my girlfriend Gemma isn't real.his mother replied I'm sorry son he's right she's not and I'm also sorry to tell you your brother David isn't real either |
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"Condoms are like crisps.
You can buy them in pubs and shops and they come in several varieties too:
Plain
Flavoured
Ridged
Extra thick
Extra large
And written in big letters at the top of each condom machine are the words:
BUY ME AND STOP ONE a pub I used to drink in someone wrote on the condom machine “If empty see barman if full see barmaid “ it was scrubbed off many times but it always appeared again lol "
It was in a hotel in Tenby I first this graffiti, also on the condom machine was:
BUY TWO AND STAY ONE JUMP AHEAD
And also: REMOULDS.
The owner was a great guy, with one hell of a personality, and he also had a white board on the toilet wall, with felt pens, unlike the ones by the lottery tickets which are usually fucked pens, so as guys could add a joke or two like:
PISS IN LOW GEAR, BEND AT THE BOTTOM
ONCE A KING ALWAYS A KING,
ONCE A KNIGHT IS ENOUGH.
Not to mention the jokes that were written before political correctness was invented about particular nationalities, like: a DJ of a particular nationality thought that:
JOHNNY CASH WAS CHANGE FOR THE CONDOM MACHINE
I know that jokes about disasters and misfortune are a bit sick really, bordering on an arrestable offence these days, but there was a lot of those on there as well. |
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"Condoms are like crisps.
You can buy them in pubs and shops and they come in several varieties too:
Plain
Flavoured
Ridged
Extra thick
Extra large
And written in big letters at the top of each condom machine are the words:
BUY ME AND STOP ONE a pub I used to drink in someone wrote on the condom machine “If empty see barman if full see barmaid “ it was scrubbed off many times but it always appeared again lol
It was in a hotel in Tenby I first this graffiti, also on the condom machine was:
BUY TWO AND STAY ONE JUMP AHEAD
And also: REMOULDS.
The owner was a great guy, with one hell of a personality, and he also had a white board on the toilet wall, with felt pens, unlike the ones by the lottery tickets which are usually fucked pens, so as guys could add a joke or two like:
PISS IN LOW GEAR, BEND AT THE BOTTOM
ONCE A KING ALWAYS A KING,
ONCE A KNIGHT IS ENOUGH.
Not to mention the jokes that were written before political correctness was invented about particular nationalities, like: a DJ of a particular nationality thought that:
JOHNNY CASH WAS CHANGE FOR THE CONDOM MACHINE
I know that jokes about disasters and misfortune are a bit sick really, bordering on an arrestable offence these days, but there was a lot of those on there as well."
Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them but now it’s a sensitive subject. |
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Last year my wife’s doctor told her she must go for a run every morning but only breathe through her nose when she runs. After a few failed attempts she came up with the idea of going for her runs with a big dildo in her mouth so she has to breathe through her nose. It worked a treat and she does it every morning. Everyone knows it’s become a running gag! |
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A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi have a long conversation about theology and eventually they are brave enough to ask each other about their sins. The Rabbi says to the Priest: “You’re not allowed to have sex with women are you!” “No, sadly not” comes the reply! “But Rabbi, you’re not allowed to eat pork are you!” “No, regrettably not!” the Rabbi responds! A long pause follows! Then the Rabbi asks, “Padre, have you ever secretly tried sex with a woman?” “Well, yes just once - it was wonderful!” the Priest admits shyly! “And you, have you ever secretly eaten pork?” “Ah yes, just once! I admit it was delicious!” relied the Rabbi! Another long embarrassed pause followed…! After a while, the Rabbi summoned up the courage and said, “I’ve got the best deal though, haven’t I!” “Yep, no question!” replied the other! |
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