FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Managing your expectations
Managing your expectations
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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There's a lot of posts and thrresds today talking about people not having much luck on here, people not replying to messages, people not having epic sex all the time with new and interesting people by making precisely zero effort..
It strikes me that the issue isn't pictures or the profile, it's not even the messages being sent. It's our own expectations that cause the issue.
Manage those and it might be less frustrating.
We know deep down that when horny it's very easy to get caught up in the fantasy of what you want it to be but we also know the reality is different (sometimes it's actually even better)
So how do you manage your expectations to avoid disappointment? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hello sinders
I just go with the flow.
I’m completely open minded these days and good connections on fab take time.
I’ll just chat, listen and usually gently poke fun with people and if it leads to meeting in person eventually then great.
Those that do, initial meets are always without expectations but with the knowledge that if it’s on the table and feels right then anything can happen. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I always expect disappointment, anything that isn't is a nice surprise. "
^ this, despite being told in person that im attractive, i dont believe it, which also extends to the site. Im not a fit to everyones tastes, tbh im quite the opposite, very niche, so when the time comes along that someone does reciprocate and show interest, its all the more exciting and the sex is much, much more stimulating |
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
Realising that matching with someone, be it sexually, be it romantically, is the exception.
There are many more people that are not right for us and the outcome of most first interactions will inevitably be a no. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
I've only ever been disappointed once, fab hasn't ever been difficult for me. That's the privilege of being a vagina owner on here isn't it?
I think that treating it as fun and nothing serious, stepping back when it starts to have a detrimental effect on your mood is a good idea. If you keep in your mind that this site doesn't define you as a person that might help also.
And try and see it as nothing will come of it. Not in the sense that you're going to be disappointed but more, start at 0. Not a -1 or a 10. That way you can build on it and be happy about the little things that happen. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think the issue is a lot of men like the idea that we’re all just gagging for it and will fuck anyone at any time (like the slutty women in their fantasies) when we’re real people. Porn isn’t real. I find it’s men’s attitude that’s the issue. I have a clear profile stating exactly what I’m looking for (mainly due to safety reasons) and people ignore it and send pointless random messages and then send me abuse if I say no thanks or even when I ignore them.
I’m sure there are women who do the same but I only chat with men so that’s the only perspective I have! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I go into this site and all meets with no expectations. People find it hard to seperate rejection as a personal attack and just have fun on here. You win some, you lose some.. It's not that deep.
If anyone signed up to this site thinking it was a guranteed booty call, their expectations and ego are way too high. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
A very valid and dare I say true post!
I think that an awful lot of people build up pictures in their heads of how situations and scenarios will go, then get frustrated at people when it doesn’t fit that. This relates to new people and long standing members alike.
How do I manage mine? I try to remove expectations from situations, go into things (from fab at least) without pressure. It’s not about fearing the worst either, it’s just about not hoping or demanding anything at all |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don’t really have expectations of Fab. I have expectations of other dating sites though (not on any at present), and if I’m paying for them in particular!
Fab is a temporary distraction that I don’t take seriously. I’ve had some lovely socials though, so not becoming invested in it seems to work for me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve developed over the years a “no expectations, no disappointments “ attitude to most things, so Fab was never going to be any different.
It’s served me well here, as it stops me from pressurising myself, or becoming overly anxious about meeting people. In fact it’s enabled me to attend my first social which I never thought I’d be able to do  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When I send a message I automatically expect no response and I’m the least pushy person you’ll find so no desperate / annoying follow ups.
Oddly, I’ve had much more success with women on here who stay in the USA in a city I’m going to next week. Replied to messages, enjoyed the banter and happy to plan to meet up. We’ll see if those transpire of course!!  |
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"There's a lot of posts and thrresds today talking about people not having much luck on here, people not replying to messages, people not having epic sex all the time with new and interesting people by making precisely zero effort..
It strikes me that the issue isn't pictures or the profile, it's not even the messages being sent. It's our own expectations that cause the issue.
Manage those and it might be less frustrating.
We know deep down that when horny it's very easy to get caught up in the fantasy of what you want it to be but we also know the reality is different (sometimes it's actually even better)
So how do you manage your expectations to avoid disappointment? "
Bang on! Great post.
Its all of the above.
Then you get the social, and as in many cases, they're different in person to the profile.
Over/underselling themselves
Photographs out of date despite being uploaded last week.
The come across timid or strong and they're the opposite.
Etc, we've seen lots of differences in online profiling and self-marketing to the people themselves. In the main people in our limited experience here tend to surprise us in good ways, but have had a few less than that too.
In the main that then gets a second airing when it comes to pants off fun.
The lesson is, expect the unexpected and try not to get hung up on what ifs but enjoy the experience come what may. You can't pre-empt or rehearse something that you have no say in, remember there's more than one person involved here and they've their own pov too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When I send a message I automatically expect no response and I’m the least pushy person you’ll find so no desperate / annoying follow ups.
Oddly, I’ve had much more success with women on here who stay in the USA in a city I’m going to next week. Replied to messages, enjoyed the banter and happy to plan to meet up. We’ll see if those transpire of course!! "
Good luck - hope it works out! |
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Once I realised how heavily the deck is stacked against single guys on here, I just stopped looking for meets. I get 100x more success using tinder, so I just use this for the forums and tinder for meets
It’s about being realistic. If your just gonna use fab website without going to clubs, as a single guy your really gonna struggle. I think a lot of guys can’t manage their expectations until they know that. |
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By *handsMan
over a year ago
Warrington |
Well im no oil painting, I’ll message once, i will then delete my message, if I get a reply it’s a bonus, if not I haven’t lost anything, I don’t message again as I want people on here to enjoy being on here and not feeling harassed |
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"There's a lot of posts and thrresds today talking about people not having much luck on here, people not replying to messages, people not having epic sex all the time with new and interesting people by making precisely zero effort..
It strikes me that the issue isn't pictures or the profile, it's not even the messages being sent. It's our own expectations that cause the issue.
Manage those and it might be less frustrating.
We know deep down that when horny it's very easy to get caught up in the fantasy of what you want it to be but we also know the reality is different (sometimes it's actually even better)
So how do you manage your expectations to avoid disappointment? "
I’m a realist, so I understand I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.
I live in an area that isn’t densely populated, so I appreciate I won’t have hundreds of profiles I can potentially get a match with.
I don’t restrict myself to only using Fab. So when (as now), Fab goes quiet for me, I look elsewhere too  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When I send a message I automatically expect no response and I’m the least pushy person you’ll find so no desperate / annoying follow ups.
Oddly, I’ve had much more success with women on here who stay in the USA in a city I’m going to next week. Replied to messages, enjoyed the banter and happy to plan to meet up. We’ll see if those transpire of course!!
Good luck - hope it works out!"
I’ve no doubt cursed it now |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Once I realised how heavily the deck is stacked against single guys on here, I just stopped looking for meets. I get 100x more success using tinder, so I just use this for the forums and tinder for meets"
100x of 0 is still 0
Jokes aside ive found tinder to be a waste of time even without expectations. Too many fakes, dead accounts, and equally too many women with their own unrealistic high expectations. So its impressive to see any single guys have much luck on that app without spending an outrageous amount of time swiping everyday |
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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago
Back of Nowhere and Beyond |
I expect nothing from fab. I had and have hopes, which in the main have been massively surpassed with the lovely people I've been lucky enough to find.
It helps that I'm not looking for anything from here and haven't been for a long while, so what I've found has been a surprise and a delight really.
Posh  |
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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
"There's a lot of posts and thrresds today talking about people not having much luck on here, people not replying to messages, people not having epic sex all the time with new and interesting people by making precisely zero effort..
It strikes me that the issue isn't pictures or the profile, it's not even the messages being sent. It's our own expectations that cause the issue.
Manage those and it might be less frustrating.
We know deep down that when horny it's very easy to get caught up in the fantasy of what you want it to be but we also know the reality is different (sometimes it's actually even better)
So how do you manage your expectations to avoid disappointment? "
Think it comes with time and experience. When we joined fan we were like kids in a candy store, imagining all sorts of scenarios. We quickly learned that meeting others requires effort and little bit of good fortune. We also quickly realised that we didn't want to shag everybody and them us. |
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"Once I realised how heavily the deck is stacked against single guys on here, I just stopped looking for meets. I get 100x more success using tinder, so I just use this for the forums and tinder for meets
100x of 0 is still 0
Jokes aside ive found tinder to be a waste of time even without expectations. Too many fakes, dead accounts, and equally too many women with their own unrealistic high expectations. So its impressive to see any single guys have much luck on that app without spending an outrageous amount of time swiping everyday"
I seem to hear that a lot but I really don’t struggle in there.
The added benefit is that when you match, it means they’ve seen and liked you. When you message, you know they are gonna see it.
Here it’s just throwing darts at a dart board. You’ve no idea if they’ve seen and liked you, and 95% of the time messages don’t even get opened. Just my experience though
Once I realised and accepted that I could much better manage expectations. It’s far less effort and time on tinder too so I didn’t feel like I was spinning my wheels for nothing |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
Upon further reflection, I think that it’s all down to hope! If you control the picture that you paint in your head and don’t allow others to have an inflated picture of yourself, then that’s half the battle.
I tell people that they’ll be abjectly disappointed in the reality of me, that usually helps! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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People will tell you to try harder
Don't
Just be you
The best you
The real you
I want to meet people, not personas
Maintain a presence
People will notice
The ice will crack (eventually)
Go with the flow
Have a laugh
Have a chat
Do other things
Don't make Fab your life
Don't make tail chasing your raison d'etre
Don't be thirsty |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Upon further reflection, I think that it’s all down to hope! If you control the picture that you paint in your head and don’t allow others to have an inflated picture of yourself, then that’s half the battle.
I tell people that they’ll be abjectly disappointed in the reality of me, that usually helps! "
I can’t imagine being disappointed by you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ive been on a few weeks. Sent messages with face pics, willing to meet socially or webcam but they don't even get read! Doesn't bother me too much and I've always kept my expectations low and not take it too seriously. Still a fun site |
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"It goes in cycles for us. We can go weeks without a reply or any acknowledgement, then days like today we have quite a few messages from the early sunday morning crew!"
This is exactly how Fab works for me as well. I know I can have no meets for weeks or a couple just happen in a couple of days and I have set my expectations for that. I think it just adds to the excitement! |
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I think that when you first join a site like this you have expectations, if you didn't, well you wouldn't sign up! Whether you hit the ground running or not your expectations quickly fall away as you encounter very different scenarios and people. Confidence fluctuations and self analysis can help or hinder based on one's own perceptions. Stubbornness and belief in your original expectations don't help and end up providing you with a negative experience.
For me I believe that putting myself out there, attending socials, embracing naturism and attending clubs gave me a more complete insight to the lifestyle and opened my eyes to the smorgasbord of personalities and types of people that I may have not met due to my own perceived tastes!
I do have a little expectation still, I just don't get disappointed anymore!  |
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I had some expectations when I signed up and so found the first few months incredibly difficult and wearing.
Over time I've lowered those expectations to the point of cynicism. I have a laugh on some conversations but assume they are just chats and the people I'm chatting with have no intention of meeting me.
If I do arrange a social I always assume I'll be stood up, so I arrange them at a convenient day and time and in a location I will enjoy sitting by myself for an hour or so.
Unless proved otherwise I assume photos are catfishy and some profile details are fudged. I assume couples profiles are single guys and that single guys are married.
It's not a very positive place to be and it would be nice to strike a middle ground between naive idiot and hardened hag. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Upon further reflection, I think that it’s all down to hope! If you control the picture that you paint in your head and don’t allow others to have an inflated picture of yourself, then that’s half the battle.
I tell people that they’ll be abjectly disappointed in the reality of me, that usually helps!
I can’t imagine being disappointed by you."
Challenge accepted! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it's really shitty that some people forget how to be a human being.
Some people come on here seeing happy people open to having sex with strangers. All they want is to join that happy group but they get slagged off and laughed at. They aren't malicious or unkind.... yet the happy group shagging around often are.
Some of those people looking for meets aren't entitled or nasty. They just want a simple reply from another human being. How awful.
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"I expect nothing from fab. I had and have hopes, which in the main have been massively surpassed with the lovely people I've been lucky enough to find.
It helps that I'm not looking for anything from here and haven't been for a long while, so what I've found has been a surprise and a delight really.
Posh "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Upon further reflection, I think that it’s all down to hope! If you control the picture that you paint in your head and don’t allow others to have an inflated picture of yourself, then that’s half the battle.
I tell people that they’ll be abjectly disappointed in the reality of me, that usually helps!
I can’t imagine being disappointed by you.
Challenge accepted! "
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"There’s a theory that you attract what you are, not what you want. So they say If you want great, then be great.
"
This works when looking for kink play partners, I'm not going to look for vanilla when I want to spread wax all over his body |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Expectation is a strong word, to me it immedeately suggests entitlement or a given right to something, and as such we all (myself included) quickly jump to say "I have no expectations".
But we're all here for a reason, and there are lots of different reasons for us being here, we don't all have the same wants and/or needs. It's when those wants become expectation is when the 'why isn't it working' starts.
For me, as much as I don't expect a thing, I come here to escape, make friends and meet people. But to do that, upon reflection, I do overinvest sometines, which is an unreasonable expectation I put on myself?  |
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I think the issue is people join expecting to get a meet from a needy woman or couple. What they don't realise is the number of messages that couples and women get.
I'm lucky as I have friends who I've known for a long time and also found people with things in common.
No idea what the percentage is but I bet there is a ratio of at least 10-1 men vs women on this site |
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By *agic.MMan
over a year ago
Orpington |
"There's a lot of posts and thrresds today talking about people not having much luck on here, people not replying to messages, people not having epic sex all the time with new and interesting people by making precisely zero effort..
It strikes me that the issue isn't pictures or the profile, it's not even the messages being sent. It's our own expectations that cause the issue.
Manage those and it might be less frustrating.
We know deep down that when horny it's very easy to get caught up in the fantasy of what you want it to be but we also know the reality is different (sometimes it's actually even better)
So how do you manage your expectations to avoid disappointment? "
I stopped sending messages altogether... I tend to be more visible if I simply let my profile and pictures do the talking (or when I am active on the forums). There have been women whom I messaged in the past and never got a reply, but than they approached me after I uploaded a picture for example, and they all had to say the same thing ...they missed my message ,as they get so many other messages per day that it just starts to pile up |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This place became a lot easier when I accepted that I wasn’t going to meet the love of my life here.
Knowing that any guy who contacts me only wants to fuck me is how I manage my expectations, that’s also the reason I refuse to meet anyone! |
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"This place became a lot easier when I accepted that I wasn’t going to meet the love of my life here.
Knowing that any guy who contacts me only wants to fuck me is how I manage my expectations, that’s also the reason I refuse to meet anyone! "
Out of interest if your on here and not going to meet what makes you stay? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This place became a lot easier when I accepted that I wasn’t going to meet the love of my life here.
Knowing that any guy who contacts me only wants to fuck me is how I manage my expectations, that’s also the reason I refuse to meet anyone!
Out of interest if your on here and not going to meet what makes you stay? "
The forums and also I may in the future just want some random one off sex. |
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I have no expectations here aside from being treated honestly and respectfully, which doesn’t always happen. I’m not here for ‘fab’ experiences anymore. I don’t expect to meet again. But I enjoy the social side too much to bid farewell just yet. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Very important to have low expectations. Expect every message to be ignored, expect even the most passionate conversations to end abruptly and expect to be blocked by people you considered friends.
Keep the expectations low and rejoice when a great meet actually happens.
And despite the frustration, I find remaining polite and pleasant pays off. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Nah, I have no expectations either..
Here for a laugh in the forums, maybe the odd message, giggle at socials and banter at the club...
If I'm lucky enough to get a meet.. Icing on the cake!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Best way to manage them is to have none. That way everything that happens is a bonus. Expect nothing but gain loads x
This  "
Did you have a good holiday? |
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"Best way to manage them is to have none. That way everything that happens is a bonus. Expect nothing but gain loads x
This
Did you have a good holiday?"
Fantastic Thankyou. Just 4 days but the most amazing 4 days xxx. Reality is now hitting  x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Best way to manage them is to have none. That way everything that happens is a bonus. Expect nothing but gain loads x
This
Did you have a good holiday?
Fantastic Thankyou. Just 4 days but the most amazing 4 days xxx. Reality is now hitting x"
Any break away is nice at the moment, but yes it's soon just a memory. Never mind, soon be Christmas! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There's a lot of posts and thrresds today talking about people not having much luck on here, people not replying to messages, people not having epic sex all the time with new and interesting people by making precisely zero effort..
It strikes me that the issue isn't pictures or the profile, it's not even the messages being sent. It's our own expectations that cause the issue.
Manage those and it might be less frustrating.
We know deep down that when horny it's very easy to get caught up in the fantasy of what you want it to be but we also know the reality is different (sometimes it's actually even better)
So how do you manage your expectations to avoid disappointment? "
This is an issue that affects all of us to some degree, in life as well as this lifestyle/website. |
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Here for the forums first, then meeting new friends and ensuring I’m aware of any new clubs or events I’d like to attend, occasionally meet someone for more intimate meetings.
So as the meeting others for sex is way down my list, my expectations of the site are met. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't expect anything from anybody. It's much easier if you just take every interaction at face value and enjoy the journey. Unless I've made concrete plans with someone. Then I expect that we will meet and have sex. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have no expectation and I'm used to disappointment and yet gave a guy a chance today for a coffee meet , travelled 1/2 hour to get a message 20mims after he was due to raincheck.
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