FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Can I have your best dad jokes please ..

Can I have your best dad jokes please ..

Jump to: Newest in thread

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

As title, please give me your best (worst) dad jokes

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats the diffetence between a penis and a lottery jackpot?

Guys have no difficulty finding a woman to blow his lotto winnings!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *orksRockerMan over a year ago

Bradford

Two fish in a tank and one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *good-being-badMan over a year ago

mis-types and auto corrects leads cock leeds

Son.. "dad why is my sister called teresa?".

Dad.. "its an anagram son.. your mum really likes easter".

Son.. "ahhh that makes sense ..thanks."

Dad.. "anytime alan."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *annaBeStrongMan over a year ago

wokingham

The number 1 dad joke in the world is any combo of this pattern

“I’m (whatever)”

“Hello (whatever) I’m dad”

Literally never gets old

But I’m just Harry!

Well, just Harry, your a wizard!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Son.. "dad why is my sister called teresa?".

Dad.. "its an anagram son.. your mum really likes easter".

Son.. "ahhh that makes sense ..thanks."

Dad.. "anytime alan.""

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ermite12ukMan over a year ago

Solihull and Brentwood

A fairy godmother ends up upside down in a thorn bush and no way to get herself out.

A passing hippy, happened by, and says. 'Hey man. What will I get, if I get you out?'

'I will grant you 3 wishes.' Replied the fairy.

'Cooool.' So as good as his word, he works tirelessly and at last gets the fairy back onto level ground.

In turn the fairy thanks the hippy, and asks what his three wishes are.

He replies, 'I want to be uptight. Out of sight, and in the groove.

So, the fairy turned him into a tampon.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *allySlinkyWoman over a year ago

Leeds

So, the fairy turned him into a tampon.

I remember Prince Charles saying he wished he could be Camilla's tampon

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Son.. "dad why is my sister called teresa?".

Dad.. "its an anagram son.. your mum really likes easter".

Son.. "ahhh that makes sense ..thanks."

Dad.. "anytime alan.""

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've enjoyed playing hide and seek with my dad since I was a young boy. I still haven't found him to this day.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

Whats the difference between a blow job & camping?….

I don’t know!!!!

Want to come camping???

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man walks into a bar.......Ouch!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Whats the difference between a blow job & camping?….

I don’t know!!!!

Want to come camping???

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

The man that invented the Ferris wheel never met the man that invented the

merry go round. They traveled in different

circles.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

I asked my hairdresser what sort of cut would make me more attractive.

She said a fucking power cut.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I posted this yesterday

I accidentally drank a bottle of

disappearing ink...

Now, I'm sitting in the ER,

waiting to be seen!

And got more than one message, concerned about my health

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I asked my hairdresser what sort of cut would make me more attractive.

She said a fucking power cut. "

Your Nan is wicked

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ty31Man over a year ago

NW London

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The landlord says "is this some kind of joke"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ch WellMan over a year ago

Scotland

A bear goes in to a bar and asks the barman "can I have a pint of..................................................................lager please?"

Barman replies "of course you can. But what's with the big pause?"

Beat replies "I'm a bear, we've all got big paws"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a woman with one leg ?

Eileen

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *P994Man over a year ago

Travelling

Uncle Ben has died, no more Mr Rice Guy

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

I caught my brother and his girlfriend in living room bollock naked.

I said what you doing he said playing whist she’s my partner.

I caught grandad in the shed wanking. I said what you doing, he said playing whist.

I said who’s your partner.

He said when you’ve got a good hand you don’t need a partner.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

A weatherman walks into a bar and says to the barman “mild then bitter”.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ty31Man over a year ago

NW London

"What do you call a woman with one leg ?

Eileen"

What do you call a girl hanging from a goalpost?

Annette

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was out with my daughter and bumped into an old friend. I said "alright Dave, this is Kat"

He said "hello, what's kat short for?"

I replied "she's only 3"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *aggy dollsCouple over a year ago

bradford

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Uncle Ben has died, no more Mr Rice Guy"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What bird is always out of breath?

Puffin

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Son came home late,Dad asked where you were?

Son: in friends home

Dad called 1 friend he said, yes he was here, just now left.

Dad called another friend, he siad the same thing.

Dad called one more friend, he was shock from reply (he is still with me, did late night study and sleeping, shall I pass phone?)

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushandkittyCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Put it in water, if it sinks - girl ant, if it floats boy ant.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *adicalhedonistMan over a year ago

audlem

What's brown and sticky?

....

A stick!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Loving these! Keep them coming

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear the story about the pencil? There was no point to it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iman2100Man over a year ago

Glasgow

Two flies were playing football in a saucer when one kicked the ball out. The other one said "You had better improve, next week we are playing in the cup!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What is E.T short for?

Because he has little legs..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icassolifelikeMan over a year ago

Luton

I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine,

He’s a Bordeaux Collie.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *otMe66Man over a year ago

Terra Firma

I let Marvin Gaye keep sheep in my vineyard. He'd herd it through the grapevine

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I told my mate I knew a guy with a small dick that sounds like an owl. He said "who?"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have joke on pussy, but cat lover may get offended

I am too pet parent of 1 pussy

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iman2100Man over a year ago

Glasgow

A biology teacher set a homework task - "Where do babies come from?"

The boy asked his great granny and she said "under a gooseberry bush"

He asked his granny and she said "flown in by a stork"

He asked his mother and she said "they are supplied by the NHS"

So he wrote his Essay. "There has been no sexual intercourse in my family for 3 generations"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do women and condoms have in common?

They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *eandher4and9Couple over a year ago

leeds

Teacher ask class if you could be covered in anything what would it be

Charles says he would be covered in gold so he could scratch some off and buy a rolls Royce

William said platinum as its worth more than gold so he could scratch some off and buy a ferrari

Little Billy at the back said PUBIC HAIR

teacher asks why PUBIC hair

He says his sister has a tiny triangle of pubes and you should see the amount of cars round her house

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *2000ManMan over a year ago

Worthing

Tom Baker - "Knock Knock"

Dalek - "I've heard it!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *2000ManMan over a year ago

Worthing

Tom Baker - "Knock Knock"

Dalek - "I've heard it!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My dads brother treat me to lunch today… always knew I liked my Uncle Ben

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s Blue & smells like Red paint? Blue paint

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I little boy went to his relative house and accidently entered in bathroom when his aunt was taking bath, aunt couldnt get time to grab the towel or piece of cloths to cover, a little boy after seeing aunt nude asked, what is that cut between legs? Aunt said oh that cut from axe when auncle was cutting the wood, little boy innocently said what an aim straight into pussy

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *picknspanMan over a year ago

North West Leeds

Went to a sex cinema with the wife.

She nudged me and said 'The bloke next to me is wanking'

I replied 'It's a sex cinema, it is bound to happen'

She said 'But he is using my hand!'

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ememberTheNameMan over a year ago

barnsley

"As title, please give me your best (worst) dad jokes

What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can't beat a good wank!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

A dwarf walks into a bar and asks for a short..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at the sandwich and says,

“Sorry, but we don’t serve food here"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *orraine999Woman over a year ago

Somewhere

Which bear is the most condescending?

A pan-duh!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 sex workers were having a chat when business was quiet, and one asked the other “have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” to which the other replied “no but I’ve been swung round by the tits”

With apologies..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I entered a sperm donor competition.

I won it single-handed….

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ifty grades of shadyCouple over a year ago

Carisbrooke, Isle of Wight

Man in a park sees a dog and its owner sitting on a bench. The dog is licking its balls, and the man says "i wish I could do that" the owner replied " giveit a bone and he'll probably let you"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You know who I don’t like ???

Lollipop lady’s !!!

Just make me cross !!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I posted this yesterday

I accidentally drank a bottle of

disappearing ink...

Now, I'm sitting in the ER,

waiting to be seen!

And got more than one message, concerned about my health

Which is funnier than the joke

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *UGGYBEAR2015Man over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Two lepers playing cards, one threw his hand down and the other laughed his head off.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *elicon343Man over a year ago

Edinburgh

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pack of cards

Sit down there and I’ll deal with you later.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *elicon343Man over a year ago

Edinburgh

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains

Well pull yourself together

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Triangle says to circle 'you are pointless'.

Circle shrugs and replies 'Thats how I roll'.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"The man that invented the Ferris wheel never met the man that invented the

merry go round. They traveled in different

circles."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you stop a dog shagging your leg??

Pick him up and suck him off!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ushandkittyCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

I've got a mate who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, although he reckons he can stop whenever he wants!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I've got a mate who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, although he reckons he can stop whenever he wants!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ubwife4uCouple over a year ago

Heathrow

I went to New York last Christmas. While I was there I met my wife. I said “ what the bloody hell are you doing here?”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

“Do you have any jobs?”

The bartender shakes his head sadly and says,

“No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”

The lion looks stunned and replies,

“Why would the circus need a bartender?”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ayneKingMan over a year ago

South East

I've just sold my hoover. Well it just gathers dust

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up?

Alloys

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *innocentMan over a year ago

Littlehampton

What trainers do chickens wear ?

REEBOKbokbokbokbukeerk

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up?

Alloys

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *omCoyoteMan over a year ago

Northern England

How do large primates make toast?

They pop the bread under the griller of course.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My email wasn't working so I asked my magic 8 ball why. It said "Outlook not so good"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

What do you call a bag of sweets that makes you moan?

Whine gums.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

.....only if u give the joke back

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I love my recliner we Go back a long way

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Needlework? Can’t see the point.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Just heard all about knitting…what a yarn?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ohn-alt89Man over a year ago

Southampton

What’s big, red and likes to eat rocks?…..

A big red rock eater

Easily the best worst joke I know

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *lanpugh23Man over a year ago

Hyde

"As title, please give me your best (worst) dad jokes

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *lanpugh23Man over a year ago

Hyde

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?? I will tell you later.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *lanpugh23Man over a year ago

Hyde

Teacher asks the kids what do you want for xmas.

Billy says Action man Miss

Shanice says dolls house miss.

Jonny says Action man but im getting a budgie. Teacher says thats a atrange present for a seven yr old. What makes yoi think your getting one of those.

Jonny said i heard mummy talking to daddy in the bedroom and she said what shall i do catch it in a handkerchief or let it fly all round the bedroom.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the big turnip say to the wee turnip?

... when’d you turn up

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *heGateKeeperMan over a year ago

Stratford

"As title, please give me your best (worst) dad jokes

I saw a joke the other day that was horrifically bad and you would have loved

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *usman 199Man over a year ago

Stockport

Never trust a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"As title, please give me your best (worst) dad jokes

I saw a joke the other day that was horrifically bad and you would have loved

You’re so mean to me. You didn’t send it to me *sulks

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Never trust a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *heGateKeeperMan over a year ago

Stratford

"As title, please give me your best (worst) dad jokes

I saw a joke the other day that was horrifically bad and you would have loved

You’re so mean to me. You didn’t send it to me *sulks"

Awwwwww I’m so sorry. I’ll make you a salmon tea to say sorry

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ockosaurusMan over a year ago

Warwick

I'm getting my daughter a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Seeing as Christmas is close

Two snowmen are in a field one looks to the other and asks do you smell carrots...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"As title, please give me your best (worst) dad jokes

I saw a joke the other day that was horrifically bad and you would have loved

You’re so mean to me. You didn’t send it to me *sulks

Awwwwww I’m so sorry. I’ll make you a salmon tea to say sorry

*cries

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I'm getting my daughter a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it. "

This one made me laugh out loud

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ockosaurusMan over a year ago

Warwick

"I'm getting my daughter a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

This one made me laugh out loud

I'm glad

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ack and MiriCouple over a year ago

Portsmouth

2 sausages in a pan one sausage turns to the other and says

"is it getting hot in here"

the other sausage replies

"AAAHHHHHHH TALKING SAUSAGE"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

"My email wasn't working so I asked my magic 8 ball why. It said "Outlook not so good""

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *urtyGentMan over a year ago

eastleigh

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

Wi’ jammin

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day, after an hours silence he turned to me and said aren’t you worried with all the silence I might be a serial killer? I turned back and said the chances of 2 being in the same car are too big for that to happen

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two cows in a field the first cow asks the second have you heard about this mad cows disease the second cow replys I am not worried I am a helicopter

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

A chicken and a frog go into a library....

The chicken says "book, book, book"

And the frog says

"reddit, reddit, reddit"

I'll get me coat

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Why can’t pigs do good acting ? Cos they tend to be a bit hammy..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *UGGYBEAR2015Man over a year ago

BRIDPORT

To the person who stole my fluorescent jacket

You can run but you can’t hide

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ooBulMan over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

So this guy walked up to me holding a small citrus fruit in his hand...

He said “Ni hao, ni hao ma?”

I said, “Is that a kumquat?”

He said, “Nah, it’s just a little mandarin”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"To the person who stole my fluorescent jacket

You can run but you can’t hide "

I love this one

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Someone stole all my coffee cups. Now I'm having to go to the police station to look at mug shots.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Someone stole all my coffee cups. Now I'm having to go to the police station to look at mug shots."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I won some money on a scratch card and I was going to give it all to Charity.

She wasn't dancing that night so I gave it to Crystal instead.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *antasyrealmCouple over a year ago

Congleton

I never saw my nan. She was very good at hiding....x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

I told a total stranger that her eyebrows were drawn on too high.

She looked surprised.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bono and the Edge walk into a bar

The bar man goes " not U2 again "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *etCloseMan over a year ago

north

All this talk about a turkey shortage this Christmas.

It’s gobbledygook

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *elshcouple18Couple over a year ago

Cardiff

Just finished building a ten foot wall in the garden, I can't get over it..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ooBulMan over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

American Kid: "Wow, you're from England, that is like, so cool. Do you like, have tea with the queen?"

British Kid: "Do you go to McDonald's with Obama?"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ooBulMan over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

While walking down the Montmartre in Paris, I'm eating a sandwich. A beautiful woman comes up to me.

She says: "J'aime!"

I said: "No, but you're close, it's marmalade!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ooBulMan over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

My wife said: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

"Don't forget to tell the marmalade, too!" I replied.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ooBulMan over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

To the person who found a pot of marmalade at a Foo Fighters concert last year....

"That's my jam!!!!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *estmids71Man over a year ago

Wolverhampton

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

My mate thinks I've a got a drink problem just because I like a Bailey's at Christmas.

I'd hardly call it a problen. Even I find it a bit sickly after the fifth pint.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *estmids71Man over a year ago

Wolverhampton

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man lying in bed facing his wife, looks into her eyes and says, looking at your face reminds me of the lottery babe, She replies you mean I'm worth millions. He says no I wish you would fuckin roll over!!!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uke olovingmanMan over a year ago

Gravesend

My mum was a lollipop lady....very thin body ..big sticky head

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I'm a very quiet and secretive person, and that's it really.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I used to date a very cross-eyed woman until I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ilo_Stitch69Couple over a year ago

NOTTINGHAM

"I've enjoyed playing hide and seek with my dad since I was a young boy. I still haven't found him to this day."

Laughed a little to hard at this one , my dad must be playing along as well

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iman2100Man over a year ago

Glasgow

To the one legged thief in camouflage - You can hide but you cannot run!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ountrylad19Man over a year ago

travel all over with work x

I went to buy a bath the other day!

The man said “do you want a plug with that”…..

“Why’s it electric?” I replied

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iman2100Man over a year ago

Glasgow

I bought a big Xmas tree one year and was struggling to get it out of the shop. The shop keeper said "Are you going to put that up yourself?"

I replied "No, I was going to put it up in the lounge"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

I manufacture batteries for a living…got it’s positives and negatives…

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

All women are bi....

It's just up to us to figure out if that's sexual, polar or both.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Julius Caesar conquered Gaul, invaded Britain, defeated his opponents and even amended the calendar. Yet he still had time to create a nice salad with cheese and crotons.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"As title, please give me your best (worst) dad jokes

I’ve only got one chest hair… called Tony…. Tonyone I got

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

Haha! Love this one

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why do ducks have feathers???

To cover their butt quacks

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse replies, “Go on then, yes please".

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *og-ManMan over a year ago

somewhere

Bear walks into a bar.

Bartender: What'll it be?

Bear: I'll take a glass of water and................................................................................... a beer.

Bartender: Why the big pause?

Bear: Because I'm a bear.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rucking-HellMan over a year ago

Northampton

What's the difference between a dirty coach terminal and a lobster with breasts?

One's a crusty bus-station, the other is a busty crustacean.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *anilla switchWoman over a year ago

Hampshire

What do penguins eat for dinner?...

Penguine

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Wife starts looking at her son 10 year's after giving birth. Thinking that there is something strange. So she decides to do a DNA. It comes back, that the baby is not there's.

She tell her husband paddy. Who says bejesus don't you remember. The boy shit himself so you told me to change him . So I went and got a clean one

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I’ve s dad bod without the child

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why was the pharaoh crying?

Because his daddy was a mummy.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks stunned and says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before...! What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *drian HardthrobMan over a year ago

Worcester

You can use disposable face masks to brew espresso

Because their coughy filters!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Breaking news from Egypt: they found a tomb covered in chocolate and nuts.

They said it was a Pharaoh Rocher.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

The Russian Revolution got off to a slow start when someone knocked on the Party door and a member said, “can you let Len in..?”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Which dinosaur always won hide and seek?

Do-you-think-he-saurus

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bboredguyMan over a year ago

dundee

I was trying to think of white sugar joke and couldn't

I tried to think of a brown sugar joke but ... DEM-ARE-RARER

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Which dinosaur always won hide and seek?

Do-you-think-he-saurus

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for 'two hardened criminals'.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

A daring raid at a police station where criminals stole all of the toilets overnight has left detectives baffled!

A spokesman said we have absolutely nothing to go on!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *eddy Boy 85Man over a year ago

EsseXpress

Did you hear what happened to the Spanish magician?

He said: Uno! Dos!….

and he disappeared without a tres.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *eddy Boy 85Man over a year ago

EsseXpress

Woody Harelson and Wesley Snipes have released a toilet cleaning product. It’s called ‘above the rim’.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *j_cambsMan over a year ago

near Ely, Cambs

Q. What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?

A. Chicken Caesar Salad.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's brown, smelly and starts with a p?

A shit.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Brilliant! Keep them coming

A Genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy.

Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 Dwarves & working in a mine

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ames5169Man over a year ago

Birmingham

Crime in multi storey car parks is wrong on so many levels !

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

My girlfriend is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up all my stuff and right!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sometimes sleep with the light on.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Nowhere

Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Where was the cockney found buried in a fur trimmed coat with a stack of Marlboro and a mummified whippet?

The Great Pyramid of Geezer..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *den-Valley-coupleCouple over a year ago

Cumbria

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What are the three shortest words in the English language?

"Is it in?"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ang bang bangity bangCouple over a year ago

Sunderland

The entire Jungle Book movie is dad jokes.

Amazing dad jokes

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *eroLondonMan over a year ago

Mayfair

What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-Hurty.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just bought my mum a new fridge for her birthday. Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My Doctor just told me that I'm partially colourblind. This diagnoses has come right of the purple.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ryingitout19Man over a year ago

Wales

Two snowmen in a field. One turns to the other and says ‘can you smell carrots?’

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *mily36CWoman over a year ago

Bracknell (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

I called the police to remove some carrots from my fridge…

They were disturbing the peas.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I called the police to remove some carrots from my fridge…

They were disturbing the peas.

Your taste in jokes is as excellent as mine

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)