FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Love bombing.
Love bombing.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Who’s experienced it?
Are you a love bomber?
A simple explanation of it is, bombarding a new partner with compliments/attention/false promises.
It can be putting someone on a pedestal, but excessively so.
What are your thoughts? |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
It can be hard to differentiate between that and the genuine attention given towards a new partner. On here it can simply be the ‘shiny new shag’ feeling that many get.
In reality it’s the catch phase for narcissistic personality types.
The issue is that fab is a narcissists playground, many can’t tell the difference between love bombing and excitement, and the discretion that many expect only serves to cover up active predators. |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
I've been love bombed in the past, with both positive and negative outcomes.
Narcissists and manipulators tend to love bomb initially. And once they've convinced you that they worship you, they start picking away at every part of you.
However, some good people just appear to love bomb but are actually just that loving and affectionate.
The tricky part is knowing which people are which, and discounting the wrong ones only. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes I have been Love bombed many times! And I’m always quite wary because it can turn out in a situation of blowing HOT and then cold.
Especially when they know I get attached to them. It is hard to see the signals and flags sometimes especially when you really start to like them.
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Doesn't there come a point in life where we realise that relationships that are likely to have more longevity build slowly rather than hot and heavy beginnings |
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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago
Stirling |
I have been love bombed many times, it can be hard especially on this platform to determine those which are genuine with there compliments and those hoping to gain something from them.
I find the more time someone invests in getting to know you the more natural the compliment feels, that said there are people who just like to blow smoke up your arse or are purely expecting a compliment in return.
Xx
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Never knew this had a name but yes, I do have an experience with this, two in fact.
They both made me so hooked to their affectionate side that I've been willing to put up with their rejections over and over again for years. Never again!
K |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
I don’t think I’ve experienced personally. Men who come on too heavy too soon make me run for the hills as a rule.
I occasionally think I’ve caught a glimpse of it on the forums though, and that’s a good filter. Whether I’m right or wrong I don’t know. |
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"Never knew this had a name but yes, I do have an experience with this, two in fact.
They both made me so hooked to their affectionate side that I've been willing to put up with their rejections over and over again for years. Never again!
K"
  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s slightly different to what you explained.
Love Bombing is an intentional form of manipulation. It’s not the same as someone doing those things for genuine reasons.
Also, love bombing tends to come alongside a sudden end or pause to the love & affection. It’s designed to create emotional turmoil and make the recipient crave more love and attention again. At that point they are then under the control of the other person.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have been love bombed many times, it can be hard especially on this platform to determine those which are genuine with there compliments and those hoping to gain something from them.
I find the more time someone invests in getting to know you the more natural the compliment feels, that said there are people who just like to blow smoke up your arse or are purely expecting a compliment in return.
Xx
"
Hence the anti-smoke buttplug?.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think there can be various reasons for love bombing. Those on the receiving end always end up feeling used/lied to but I suspect that the bombers don't always set out to decieve so it's difficult to have one opinion about love bombers
They also get intense enjoyment from the bombing and the feelings at that time are likely true for them. They cannot maintain that level of feeling so become unhappy and blame the object of their bombing and start again elsewhere. I imagine an existence that requires a constant supply of new thrills in order to feel happy must be draining and the dips between the highs can't be nice. None of that makes it any nicer though for those who have been bombed.
I guess the difference between disliking the bomber and feeling sorry for them hinges on whether we believe they are aware of their behaviour and don't care about their effect on others or whether they too suffer as a result of the process and just don't know how to be different.
I think the best defense against this and many other types of abusive relationship is to be cautious and slow. Nothing wrong with acknowledging early on that your feelings for someone are intense but that doesn't mean you have to give these feelings full reign. Knowing that much of your early attraction is hormonal and will fade allows you to enjoy that phase of a relationship while getting to know the real person which takes a lot I longer (it took me a couple of years to find out that her ladyship is actually capable of farting for instance  )
From personal experience the more you've been hurt or the longer it took you to realise something was wrong, the longer it takes to completely trust your emotions and feel safe giving your heart again.
Mr |
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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago
Stirling |
"I have been love bombed many times, it can be hard especially on this platform to determine those which are genuine with there compliments and those hoping to gain something from them.
I find the more time someone invests in getting to know you the more natural the compliment feels, that said there are people who just like to blow smoke up your arse or are purely expecting a compliment in return.
Xx
Hence the anti-smoke buttplug?.."
Haha very good! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s slightly different to what you explained.
Love Bombing is an intentional form of manipulation. It’s not the same as someone doing those things for genuine reasons.
Also, love bombing tends to come alongside a sudden end or pause to the love & affection. It’s designed to create emotional turmoil and make the recipient crave more love and attention again. At that point they are then under the control of the other person.
"
So you don't know whether it's genuine or manipulation unless it stops? If it stops, is it manipulation or have the couple just got comfortable with each other and these things are accepted and acknowledged without the need for constant verbal re-affirmation?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
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"Never knew this had a name but yes, I do have an experience with this, two in fact.
They both made me so hooked to their affectionate side that I've been willing to put up with their rejections over and over again for years. Never again!
K"
Like everything it's existed since humans have existed and now it's got it's latest label.
It will fall into misuse along with 'narcissist' which seems to be the most widely incorrectly used label and gaslighting which is set to overtake soon....
Being 'over attentive' can happen anywhere from your waiter , your new lover , or the vaccination nurse I had to endure two days ago ....
Some people behave that way for very different reasons.
I'm not the type that appreciates the overly attentive type. I tend to see it as needy for whatever reason. |
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"My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
"
 People feel things in different ways at different times. Doesn't automatically mean they are not feeling it - you are right..... Quick to boil , quick to cool  |
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"I don’t think I’ve experienced personally. Men who come on too heavy too soon make me run for the hills as a rule.
I occasionally think I’ve caught a glimpse of it on the forums though, and that’s a good filter. Whether I’m right or wrong I don’t know."
Occasionally??? It happens often. They dance like dolphins on every thread , regardless of what it's about and then ..... Pfffffffftttzzzzzzz dead in the water.
Got a love a public performance. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
People feel things in different ways at different times. Doesn't automatically mean they are not feeling it - you are right..... Quick to boil , quick to cool "
It did send warning signals to my brain, foolishly didn't listen to them..the relationship lasted about 18 months. Lesson learnt |
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"My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
People feel things in different ways at different times. Doesn't automatically mean they are not feeling it - you are right..... Quick to boil , quick to cool
It did send warning signals to my brain, foolishly didn't listen to them..the relationship lasted about 18 months. Lesson learnt "
Nah ..... unlearn that lesson , take love as and when it comes...... nowt's forever in any case  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
People feel things in different ways at different times. Doesn't automatically mean they are not feeling it - you are right..... Quick to boil , quick to cool
It did send warning signals to my brain, foolishly didn't listen to them..the relationship lasted about 18 months. Lesson learnt
Nah ..... unlearn that lesson , take love as and when it comes...... nowt's forever in any case "
Granny knows best |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
People feel things in different ways at different times. Doesn't automatically mean they are not feeling it - you are right..... Quick to boil , quick to cool
It did send warning signals to my brain, foolishly didn't listen to them..the relationship lasted about 18 months. Lesson learnt
Nah ..... unlearn that lesson , take love as and when it comes...... nowt's forever in any case "
I would disagree, it pays to learn red flag signals, and listen to our gut.
I should say, this isn’t aimed at anyone in particular, just a general musing. |
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By *essie.Woman
over a year ago
Serendipity |
I’ve been love bombed and it sends me running in the other direction. Remember getting proposed to years ago within a few weeks of dating - I ended the relationship. I just knew it all felt wrong and was already suffocating. |
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"What is it?"
As per Wikipedia: "Another sign of love bombing is being intensely showered with affection, gifts, and promises for the future with the predator so that the victim feels or is made to believe that all this is a sign of "love at first sight". Since such signs of affection and affirmation may meet felt needs and not look harmful at the surface, the excitement of such a new relationship often does not appear as cause for alarm. However, after the initial excitement, when the victim shows interest or care about anything beyond their new partner, the manipulator may show anger, passive-aggressive behavior, or accuse the victims of selfishness. If the victim does not comply to demands, the devaluation stage begins: the abuser withdraws all affection or positive reinforcement and instead punishes the victim with whatever they feel is appropriate—shouting, beratement, mind games, silent treatment, or even physical abuse."
K |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What is it?
It's when you detonate your love device all over someone.
You're such a wise love bomber. "
Just be careful not to get caught by the fapnel. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I didn’t know this, for sure honesty is best policy. I really don’t see the point of why anyone would feel the need to rely on false hope; it’s hope that has no meaningful basis in reality. Nothing good will ever come out of anything based on false hope. Always good to be genuine and non judgemental of others, since I believe this is what will create connection and find depth in conversations. Yes, admit I sometimes can be overzealous and silly at best of times but it’s harmless fun on my part. By no means an attention seeker or fishing for compliments; simply onsite to have nsa fun with like minded peeps. Opinions rarely matter... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Love bombing no matter how you dress it up is a form of manipulation inside or outside a relationship.
Though it is hard to spot as can be mistake for genuine affection when you fall heavily for someone.
Manipulation of someone’s emotions happens more on fab then in rl. Person A will ‘flirt’ heavily with person ‘B’ to get them interested but person ‘A’ is just keeping options open. That is then withdrawn leaving person ‘B’ chasing for their attention is just one example that can fall into this category.
But the withdrawal of affection can also be a defensive mechanism of it isn’t being reciprocated to protect oneself from losing self value and self love.
It is hard to class someone as a love bomber or manipulator unless they have clear past history but again this can be subjective |
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I have experienced this but don’t like the phrase love bombing at all. It has nothing to do with love and is simply control.
I’m the complete opposite, shockingly. Incredibly difficult to get close to and don’t need loads of contact and complements, if anything it pushes me away. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!"
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years? |
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It’s a big no for me and will have me running in the opposite direction, I can’t abide over the top affection makes my skin crawl.
When it’s been done I don’t believe a word that is being said and shut them down or ignore.
You can be affectionate and caring in time, a natural build up, without the bucket reaching nonsense |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!"
It is so hard to not go in the opposite direction and push away someone genuine when that's happened |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?"
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
It is so hard to not go in the opposite direction and push away someone genuine when that's happened "
I had some counselling which helped. I did find someone totally genuine who didn't love bomb me. So I hope I can again! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening. "
For 19 years? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I will compliment without being gushing, it's usually a feature like eyes or a nice smile. I get embarrassed receiving compliments and am apt to make some stupid comment if in person. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!"
I’m sorry |
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"I don’t think I’ve experienced personally. Men who come on too heavy too soon make me run for the hills as a rule.
I occasionally think I’ve caught a glimpse of it on the forums though, and that’s a good filter. Whether I’m right or wrong I don’t know.
Occasionally??? It happens often. They dance like dolphins on every thread , regardless of what it's about and then ..... Pfffffffftttzzzzzzz dead in the water.
Got a love a public performance."
And when it all goes tits up they can't help but make it public with their new target  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening.
For 19 years?"
What are you querying? That I didn't know or that it didn't happen? I started to realise once he'd moved out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening.
For 19 years?
What are you querying? That I didn't know or that it didn't happen? I started to realise once he'd moved out. "
I guess it's the length of time that I can't wrap my head around.
Or that a relationship that lasted so long can be characterised by a single phenomenon |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening.
For 19 years?
What are you querying? That I didn't know or that it didn't happen? I started to realise once he'd moved out. "
I am being defensive but I'm not long enough out to be past it all. The subtle ways that he let me know how shit I was still jump back into my head. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening.
For 19 years?
What are you querying? That I didn't know or that it didn't happen? I started to realise once he'd moved out.
I guess it's the length of time that I can't wrap my head around.
Or that a relationship that lasted so long can be characterised by a single phenomenon "
I know several other women who have had LTRs where this happened. It's incremental. It creeps in. I had long periods of depression. Four kids in 5 years. I was very unhappy but I blamed me. And..so did he. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I will compliment without being gushing, it's usually a feature like eyes or a nice smile. I get embarrassed receiving compliments and am apt to make some stupid comment if in person."
It's the gushing that's just a red flag tbh. I give men compliments and I accept them from men in the manner they're given. It's the OTT ones that are just unnecessary and quite icky - it's like they're trying to convince you they're great so you will fuck then.  |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I don’t think I’ve experienced personally. Men who come on too heavy too soon make me run for the hills as a rule.
I occasionally think I’ve caught a glimpse of it on the forums though, and that’s a good filter. Whether I’m right or wrong I don’t know.
Occasionally??? It happens often. They dance like dolphins on every thread , regardless of what it's about and then ..... Pfffffffftttzzzzzzz dead in the water.
Got a love a public performance.
And when it all goes tits up they can't help but make it public with their new target "
I can’t help but think that twisting this thread to make digs at others is rather low.
If people choose to profess their latest crush, that’s up to them. Taking delight in the ride and fall of romances feels a touch macabre and vicious to me |
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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago
Back of Nowhere and Beyond |
"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
It is so hard to not go in the opposite direction and push away someone genuine when that's happened
I had some counselling which helped. I did find someone totally genuine who didn't love bomb me. So I hope I can again! "
You will. I have faith
It is more common in a LTR than people think or hope. And happens to men as well as women, although it is less well publicised.
Well done for getting out. And well done for being able to see it and actually move on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
I’m sorry "
I think you've experienced this too Hippy. So many people, sometimes the stories make me sob. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
It is so hard to not go in the opposite direction and push away someone genuine when that's happened
I had some counselling which helped. I did find someone totally genuine who didn't love bomb me. So I hope I can again!
You will. I have faith
It is more common in a LTR than people think or hope. And happens to men as well as women, although it is less well publicised.
Well done for getting out. And well done for being able to see it and actually move on "
Thank you lovely. It certainly does happen to men and much tougher for them to speak up and gain support. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening.
For 19 years?
What are you querying? That I didn't know or that it didn't happen? I started to realise once he'd moved out.
I guess it's the length of time that I can't wrap my head around.
Or that a relationship that lasted so long can be characterised by a single phenomenon "
I'm not sure she did characterise anything by a single phenomenon. She said love bombing was the start of a relationship that kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. If you don't think someone can be gaslit for 19 years or that such a relationship is that and nothing else you clearly haven't ever experienced it yourself. That's not said to attack you or offend, just that I know you wouldn't think of asking that question if you'd lived through similar.
Mr |
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By *929Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
Both of long term relationships I had they done the same shot in beginning “your never getting rid of me” wanting to spend every minute together. Both initiated leaving in the end
Prefer to take it slow when other way round take time before letting feelings come and telling them ect |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening.
For 19 years?
What are you querying? That I didn't know or that it didn't happen? I started to realise once he'd moved out.
I guess it's the length of time that I can't wrap my head around.
Or that a relationship that lasted so long can be characterised by a single phenomenon
I'm not sure she did characterise anything by a single phenomenon. She said love bombing was the start of a relationship that kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. If you don't think someone can be gaslit for 19 years or that such a relationship is that and nothing else you clearly haven't ever experienced it yourself. That's not said to attack you or offend, just that I know you wouldn't think of asking that question if you'd lived through similar.
Mr"
I don't feel attacked or offended, so that's okay.
I'm struggling to understand how such a long relationship can happen when, after it ends, one party positions themselves as the wronged and the blame is apportioned to the other party.
Surely there would be some kind of realisation earlier on that things aren't right.
I won't share any of my personal relationship experiences, but at 51, it's safe to presume there are some and the fact that I'm single indicates they didn't work out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening.
For 19 years?
What are you querying? That I didn't know or that it didn't happen? I started to realise once he'd moved out.
I guess it's the length of time that I can't wrap my head around.
Or that a relationship that lasted so long can be characterised by a single phenomenon
I'm not sure she did characterise anything by a single phenomenon. She said love bombing was the start of a relationship that kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. If you don't think someone can be gaslit for 19 years or that such a relationship is that and nothing else you clearly haven't ever experienced it yourself. That's not said to attack you or offend, just that I know you wouldn't think of asking that question if you'd lived through similar.
Mr
I don't feel attacked or offended, so that's okay.
I'm struggling to understand how such a long relationship can happen when, after it ends, one party positions themselves as the wronged and the blame is apportioned to the other party.
Surely there would be some kind of realisation earlier on that things aren't right.
I won't share any of my personal relationship experiences, but at 51, it's safe to presume there are some and the fact that I'm single indicates they didn't work out "
I agree that any relationship has two sides and there is nothing to say that one side is ask good or all bad, many dysfunctional relationships have issues both ways. I've seen terrible relationships with awful behaviours where the two have separated and gone on to have healthy loving relationships. That isn't victim blaming, it's simply that we all react differently in different situations. I don't know this lady, I don't know what else was involved in her relationship, how good a partner she was, whether she hurt her partner. I do know though that it is quite possible to settle into patterns of behaviour that only by looking back can you see the warning signs (lovebombing in this instance) and how they fitted into an overall pattern that you're not aware of living through.
If she had said she had been physically abused for 19 years would you question how that can happen? I ask because any person who hasn't been through that will find this a really hard idea to understand yet we all know these things happen.
Mr |
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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago
Back of Nowhere and Beyond |
"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening.
For 19 years?
What are you querying? That I didn't know or that it didn't happen? I started to realise once he'd moved out.
I guess it's the length of time that I can't wrap my head around.
Or that a relationship that lasted so long can be characterised by a single phenomenon
I'm not sure she did characterise anything by a single phenomenon. She said love bombing was the start of a relationship that kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. If you don't think someone can be gaslit for 19 years or that such a relationship is that and nothing else you clearly haven't ever experienced it yourself. That's not said to attack you or offend, just that I know you wouldn't think of asking that question if you'd lived through similar.
Mr
I don't feel attacked or offended, so that's okay.
I'm struggling to understand how such a long relationship can happen when, after it ends, one party positions themselves as the wronged and the blame is apportioned to the other party.
Surely there would be some kind of realisation earlier on that things aren't right.
I won't share any of my personal relationship experiences, but at 51, it's safe to presume there are some and the fact that I'm single indicates they didn't work out
I agree that any relationship has two sides and there is nothing to say that one side is ask good or all bad, many dysfunctional relationships have issues both ways. I've seen terrible relationships with awful behaviours where the two have separated and gone on to have healthy loving relationships. That isn't victim blaming, it's simply that we all react differently in different situations. I don't know this lady, I don't know what else was involved in her relationship, how good a partner she was, whether she hurt her partner. I do know though that it is quite possible to settle into patterns of behaviour that only by looking back can you see the warning signs (lovebombing in this instance) and how they fitted into an overall pattern that you're not aware of living through.
If she had said she had been physically abused for 19 years would you question how that can happen? I ask because any person who hasn't been through that will find this a really hard idea to understand yet we all know these things happen.
Mr"
As always, Mr, you sum these things up so well.
Posh  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
If she had said she had been physically abused for 19 years would you question how that can happen? I ask because any person who hasn't been through that will find this a really hard idea to understand yet we all know these things happen.
Mr"
I think most would be very aware of physical abuse...it's the being unaware of the gaslighting until the relationship is over I struggle to understand.
I'm not making comment about the complexities involved in ending relationships, but I'm aware |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
If she had said she had been physically abused for 19 years would you question how that can happen? I ask because any person who hasn't been through that will find this a really hard idea to understand yet we all know these things happen.
Mr
I think most would be very aware of physical abuse...it's the being unaware of the gaslighting until the relationship is over I struggle to understand.
I'm not making comment about the complexities involved in ending relationships, but I'm aware "
Ah, then I think I've misunderstood you. Your issue isn't that she stayed for 19 years of gaslighting but that she was unaware of it - with the assumption that it isn't possible to gaslight someone who is aware of what you're doing?
Mr |
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Just sitting here, reading through some of the forums from today, and came across a lovebomb comment.
Me, personally, never knew this was even a thing, but then again, in here, everything that’s anything is a ‘thing’ , so I shouldn’t be surprised haha
And all of a sudden everyone is an expert, but with varying levels of expertise, and understandings…but this can be said in the majority of threads, so I get that. One question I do have to the experts in here is that it all seems one sided in terms of one individual being a love bomber….but what if it is affection, not caring what others think and that it’s then reciprocated.
Does reciprocation counteract a love bomber, so there are two love bombers bombing each other, or is it two love bombers a double whammy….and my god, what if it’s a three way love bombing going on? There’s gonna be a right old love bombing mess
Anyway, I’m off back to sleep (mic drop) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
If she had said she had been physically abused for 19 years would you question how that can happen? I ask because any person who hasn't been through that will find this a really hard idea to understand yet we all know these things happen.
Mr
I think most would be very aware of physical abuse...it's the being unaware of the gaslighting until the relationship is over I struggle to understand.
I'm not making comment about the complexities involved in ending relationships, but I'm aware "
I started a thread a while ago called Gaslighting. Perhaps reading other stories might help you to understand. Emotional abuse like physical abuse usually ramps up as time goes on so those affected are already in deep and love the person who is abusing. They don't even recognise that their reality is one they shouldn't tolerate. What I experienced is low level compared to some people on that thread. It was my first serious relationship. I had nothing to compare it to. I became very depressed after I had a termination and more vulnerable to his insinuations and suggestions. It just kept on. And on. Until I was miserable but thought he was a decent guy so why should I be. He's married to someone else now and is probably doing the same to her.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
love bombing is used by some men as a means to try and get what they want i think its fake and cheesy has nothing to do with real love its the same with all the white knight crappy compliment they only say in get in your knickers yuk false n cheesy
my opinion |
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"Doesn't there come a point in life where we realise that relationships that are likely to have more longevity build slowly rather than hot and heavy beginnings "
The kind of emotional time and energy of very fast intense relationships is unsustainable.
I had a friend who was love bombed. It chewed her up and spat her out. Not the same person afterwards. |
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"It’s slightly different to what you explained.
Love Bombing is an intentional form of manipulation. It’s not the same as someone doing those things for genuine reasons.
Also, love bombing tends to come alongside a sudden end or pause to the love & affection. It’s designed to create emotional turmoil and make the recipient crave more love and attention again. At that point they are then under the control of the other person.
"
I’m not sure it’s intentional as in, done with a plan.
I just think some people go balls deep into a relationship straight away. On FaceTime for hours every night (for gods sake you are 42).
Some men are so desperate and insecure to get their claws into a woman before anyone else does. It’s their way of securing her first. It’s unsustainable. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Just sitting here, reading through some of the forums from today, and came across a lovebomb comment.
Me, personally, never knew this was even a thing, but then again, in here, everything that’s anything is a ‘thing’ , so I shouldn’t be surprised haha
And all of a sudden everyone is an expert, but with varying levels of expertise, and understandings…but this can be said in the majority of threads, so I get that. One question I do have to the experts in here is that it all seems one sided in terms of one individual being a love bomber….but what if it is affection, not caring what others think and that it’s then reciprocated.
Does reciprocation counteract a love bomber, so there are two love bombers bombing each other, or is it two love bombers a double whammy….and my god, what if it’s a three way love bombing going on? There’s gonna be a right old love bombing mess
Anyway, I’m off back to sleep (mic drop)"
Not sure it's about being an expert, more people discussing what a particular expression means to them. Prior to this thread I thought of love bombing being where someone showers their partner with "love" for a short time before this fades away. To my mind it could fade simply for the same reason some people obsess about the latest shiny toy then loose interest in it. From this thread it seems that to many others there needs to be a deliberate element to the behaviour.
In my world the answer to your question is that such a relationship is likely to be very hot, passionate and flashy but over quickly. In a world where love bombing is deliberate I don't know what the answer is. I suspect that it simply wouldn't happen because that very act of deliberation implies a selection process to find someone susceptible. Another lovebomber/narcissist/abuser (delete as you wish) would never get through this selection process.
Mr |
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"My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
"
I know a lady on here, who after chatting to a guy on FaceTime a few times, met him.
On their first actual meet he told her he was in love with her.
That is not love, but infatuation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Yes I experienced it, now I’d run a mile. I didn’t recognise what was happening, and was heavily pregnant when he first took that affection away, though that was temporary. I fought to get it back and set up a pattern of it throughout our 22 year marriage.
I don’t love bomb myself as now I’m too cautious to admit feelings for anyone. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening.
For 19 years?
What are you querying? That I didn't know or that it didn't happen? I started to realise once he'd moved out.
I am being defensive but I'm not long enough out to be past it all. The subtle ways that he let me know how shit I was still jump back into my head. "
|
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"Just sitting here, reading through some of the forums from today, and came across a lovebomb comment.
Me, personally, never knew this was even a thing, but then again, in here, everything that’s anything is a ‘thing’ , so I shouldn’t be surprised haha
And all of a sudden everyone is an expert, but with varying levels of expertise, and understandings…but this can be said in the majority of threads, so I get that. One question I do have to the experts in here is that it all seems one sided in terms of one individual being a love bomber….but what if it is affection, not caring what others think and that it’s then reciprocated.
Does reciprocation counteract a love bomber, so there are two love bombers bombing each other, or is it two love bombers a double whammy….and my god, what if it’s a three way love bombing going on? There’s gonna be a right old love bombing mess
Anyway, I’m off back to sleep (mic drop)
Not sure it's about being an expert, more people discussing what a particular expression means to them. Prior to this thread I thought of love bombing being where someone showers their partner with "love" for a short time before this fades away. To my mind it could fade simply for the same reason some people obsess about the latest shiny toy then loose interest in it. From this thread it seems that to many others there needs to be a deliberate element to the behaviour.
In my world the answer to your question is that such a relationship is likely to be very hot, passionate and flashy but over quickly. In a world where love bombing is deliberate I don't know what the answer is. I suspect that it simply wouldn't happen because that very act of deliberation implies a selection process to find someone susceptible. Another lovebomber/narcissist/abuser (delete as you wish) would never get through this selection process.
Mr"
I’m simply being observant and trying to look at this from all angles - as I tend to do.
But one thing I have noticed is that they are all opinions, and fairly few actual experiences…as with many threads. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
I know a lady on here, who after chatting to a guy on FaceTime a few times, met him.
On their first actual meet he told her he was in love with her.
That is not love, but infatuation. "
In your opinion…
Myself and my ex partner spent several months chatting, talking and video calling. Having spent 5 mins in each other’s company, we knew how we felt and spent nearly 2 years together.
It’s easy to dismiss the feelings of others if we don’t understand them but don’t be so quick to judge others experiences based on yours |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
I know a lady on here, who after chatting to a guy on FaceTime a few times, met him.
On their first actual meet he told her he was in love with her.
That is not love, but infatuation.
In your opinion…
Myself and my ex partner spent several months chatting, talking and video calling. Having spent 5 mins in each other’s company, we knew how we felt and spent nearly 2 years together.
It’s easy to dismiss the feelings of others if we don’t understand them but don’t be so quick to judge others experiences based on yours"
Do you think if you'd taken things a bit more slowly it would have lasted longer? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Yes I experienced it, now I’d run a mile. I didn’t recognise what was happening, and was heavily pregnant when he first took that affection away, though that was temporary. I fought to get it back and set up a pattern of it throughout our 22 year marriage.
I don’t love bomb myself as now I’m too cautious to admit feelings for anyone. X "
Oh Angie, that sounds absolutely crap. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This happened to me and kicked off 19 years of gaslighting. So very wary of compliments, treats, attention and especially gifts. I'd run a mile!
Are you saying that you were unhappy during all of those 19 years?
No I'm saying I was gaslighted. I didn't know that was happening.
For 19 years?
What are you querying? That I didn't know or that it didn't happen? I started to realise once he'd moved out.
I am being defensive but I'm not long enough out to be past it all. The subtle ways that he let me know how shit I was still jump back into my head.
"
Thank you. I appreciate that  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I got love bombed by the mother in law aswell as the son so I felt very special and needed Until I wasnt. I think if it makes you feel uncomfortable then you know something may not be right, Ive had it on here where it all felt too much and disproprtionate to the time with a person. But also not to dismiss lots of attention and affection if it does feel right. Could just be you are actually head over heels. Which I have also had on here. I am a sucker for a lovebomb. I do try not to throw any, but I can be very attentive to the wrong person sometimes still, I am only human. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
I know a lady on here, who after chatting to a guy on FaceTime a few times, met him.
On their first actual meet he told her he was in love with her.
That is not love, but infatuation.
In your opinion…
Myself and my ex partner spent several months chatting, talking and video calling. Having spent 5 mins in each other’s company, we knew how we felt and spent nearly 2 years together.
It’s easy to dismiss the feelings of others if we don’t understand them but don’t be so quick to judge others experiences based on yours
Do you think if you'd taken things a bit more slowly it would have lasted longer?"
Potentially, yes, there's a possibility it might have lasted longer if we had taken things slower. Ultimately though, we just weren't compatible long term and would have discovered that at a later point anyway x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I’ve experienced this and it’s made me very cautious since. It felt so overwhelming and in the beginning uncomfortable but I took it at face value and I regretted it later.
Not something I’d want to experience again and not something I’d want anyone else to experience either |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It’s slightly different to what you explained.
Love Bombing is an intentional form of manipulation. It’s not the same as someone doing those things for genuine reasons.
Also, love bombing tends to come alongside a sudden end or pause to the love & affection. It’s designed to create emotional turmoil and make the recipient crave more love and attention again. At that point they are then under the control of the other person.
So you don't know whether it's genuine or manipulation unless it stops? If it stops, is it manipulation or have the couple just got comfortable with each other and these things are accepted and acknowledged without the need for constant verbal re-affirmation?
"
Nope Not just being comfortable. But a sudden and complete withdrawal of any affection whatsoever. A total disinterest and often negative behavior replaces it - shouting, berating and demeaning. Maybe even cutting contact from the other person for periods of time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Yes I experienced it, now I’d run a mile. I didn’t recognise what was happening, and was heavily pregnant when he first took that affection away, though that was temporary. I fought to get it back and set up a pattern of it throughout our 22 year marriage.
I don’t love bomb myself as now I’m too cautious to admit feelings for anyone. X
Oh Angie, that sounds absolutely crap. "
Not a time of my life I wish to go through again. Thank you x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Yes I experienced it, now I’d run a mile. I didn’t recognise what was happening, and was heavily pregnant when he first took that affection away, though that was temporary. I fought to get it back and set up a pattern of it throughout our 22 year marriage.
I don’t love bomb myself as now I’m too cautious to admit feelings for anyone. X
Oh Angie, that sounds absolutely crap.
Not a time of my life I wish to go through again. Thank you x "
That sounds awful Angie |
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"False promises never! Give compliments if deserved and if i like the guy. Should never put anyone on a pedestal, Because you never know their true intentions you have to really know someone.  "
Yes pretty much this. All compliments are deserved. |
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"False promises never! Give compliments if deserved and if i like the guy. Should never put anyone on a pedestal, Because you never know their true intentions you have to really know someone.
Yes pretty much this. All compliments are deserved. "
So true! |
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Yes. 18 months after I lost my husband I met a guy. He was really full on, knew my situation.
Kept on hinting at moving in, mentioned marriage, we’d literally seen each other a handful of times, not a relationship.
Last straw was him telling me the lease on his place was up soon and putting pressure on me
Bye |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Yes I experienced it, now I’d run a mile. I didn’t recognise what was happening, and was heavily pregnant when he first took that affection away, though that was temporary. I fought to get it back and set up a pattern of it throughout our 22 year marriage.
I don’t love bomb myself as now I’m too cautious to admit feelings for anyone. X
Oh Angie, that sounds absolutely crap.
Not a time of my life I wish to go through again. Thank you x
That sounds awful Angie "
It was, he didn’t even kiss me for the last 10 years of our marriage. I was very lonely and starved of affection. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I’m simply being observant and trying to look at this from all angles - as I tend to do.
But one thing I have noticed is that they are all opinions, and fairly few actual experiences…as with many threads. "
The OP literally ends with "what are your thoughts?" Not really surprising then that the thread is full of people's thoughts ....
Mr |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
I know a lady on here, who after chatting to a guy on FaceTime a few times, met him.
On their first actual meet he told her he was in love with her.
That is not love, but infatuation.
In your opinion…
Myself and my ex partner spent several months chatting, talking and video calling. Having spent 5 mins in each other’s company, we knew how we felt and spent nearly 2 years together.
It’s easy to dismiss the feelings of others if we don’t understand them but don’t be so quick to judge others experiences based on yours
Do you think if you'd taken things a bit more slowly it would have lasted longer?"
You’re missing the whole point of my post.
No, I don’t |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Yes I experienced it, now I’d run a mile. I didn’t recognise what was happening, and was heavily pregnant when he first took that affection away, though that was temporary. I fought to get it back and set up a pattern of it throughout our 22 year marriage.
I don’t love bomb myself as now I’m too cautious to admit feelings for anyone. X
Oh Angie, that sounds absolutely crap.
Not a time of my life I wish to go through again. Thank you x
That sounds awful Angie
It was, he didn’t even kiss me for the last 10 years of our marriage. I was very lonely and starved of affection. X "
 I’m sorry My ex didn’t kiss me for the last 5 years and it’s only just occurred to me that this was quite a deliberate act. Do you think it was for you? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Yes I experienced it, now I’d run a mile. I didn’t recognise what was happening, and was heavily pregnant when he first took that affection away, though that was temporary. I fought to get it back and set up a pattern of it throughout our 22 year marriage.
I don’t love bomb myself as now I’m too cautious to admit feelings for anyone. X
Oh Angie, that sounds absolutely crap.
Not a time of my life I wish to go through again. Thank you x
That sounds awful Angie
It was, he didn’t even kiss me for the last 10 years of our marriage. I was very lonely and starved of affection. X
I’m sorry My ex didn’t kiss me for the last 5 years and it’s only just occurred to me that this was quite a deliberate act. Do you think it was for you? "
Oh yes, he was fully aware of what he did and how it made me feel. He laughed about it, and made fun of me. Even in public, but I was so low I just thought it was what I deserved x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Yes I experienced it, now I’d run a mile. I didn’t recognise what was happening, and was heavily pregnant when he first took that affection away, though that was temporary. I fought to get it back and set up a pattern of it throughout our 22 year marriage.
I don’t love bomb myself as now I’m too cautious to admit feelings for anyone. X
Oh Angie, that sounds absolutely crap.
Not a time of my life I wish to go through again. Thank you x
That sounds awful Angie
It was, he didn’t even kiss me for the last 10 years of our marriage. I was very lonely and starved of affection. X
I’m sorry My ex didn’t kiss me for the last 5 years and it’s only just occurred to me that this was quite a deliberate act. Do you think it was for you?
Oh yes, he was fully aware of what he did and how it made me feel. He laughed about it, and made fun of me. Even in public, but I was so low I just thought it was what I deserved x "
What an bastard.   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My ex told me he loved me within about 3 weeks of dating. Looking back on it, I don't think he was lying or trying to trick me, just caught up in the moment...
I know a lady on here, who after chatting to a guy on FaceTime a few times, met him.
On their first actual meet he told her he was in love with her.
That is not love, but infatuation.
In your opinion…
Myself and my ex partner spent several months chatting, talking and video calling. Having spent 5 mins in each other’s company, we knew how we felt and spent nearly 2 years together.
It’s easy to dismiss the feelings of others if we don’t understand them but don’t be so quick to judge others experiences based on yours
Do you think if you'd taken things a bit more slowly it would have lasted longer?
You’re missing the whole point of my post.
No, I don’t"
I don't think I am |
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I've only experienced it once, many years ago. It's hard to describe: it made feel nauseous and disconcerted because the 'relationship' was still in its infancy.
In essence I just wanted to end it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Its taken the best part of my adult life but I have a genuine love bomber in my man. Its been explosive from both sides for nearly 2 years and long may it bloody continue. "
Love bombing in the context of this thread is not a good thing.
It sounds like what you have is positive. |
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