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No! vember
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
Reading the Stubborn thread yesterday made me think about why we don't say 'No' more often.
There is a 'No' challenge on for No-vember. It uses this quote:
“The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.”
— Warren Buffett
The challenge is to say 'No' to one thing every day in November, to learn how to and examine why you keep saying yes.
https://www.no-vember.net/
I had two days this week when I said no to the same thing. Last month I may have caved when they came pleading the next day but I held firm.
Why do you say yes when you want to say no?
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I'm not prepared to discuss this. "
A polite no.
Oh, go on. You know you want to. What can I do to make you change your mind? You'll regret it if you don't take this rare opportunity to unburden to the a forum of strangers.
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I love this Lickety and had a very similar conversation recently with a friend. The point at which I started to get well was the part where I said no to everything, then gradually introduced bits that I was comfortable with and started saying yes. I choose my yes very carefully and it’s made a massive difference to my life and mental health. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a period where I intentionally said yes to everything within reason and this made it clear to me which things I should be saying no to.
I never have an issue saying no to the things that do not fit well with me |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I love this Lickety and had a very similar conversation recently with a friend. The point at which I started to get well was the part where I said no to everything, then gradually introduced bits that I was comfortable with and started saying yes. I choose my yes very carefully and it’s made a massive difference to my life and mental health. "
That's wonderful to read. I think our lives and relationships would be healthier if we get comfortable with being honest with our noes.
I'm glad you're feeling life is different no that you say yes when you really want to. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I use no a lot simple reason is I don't like agreeing unless I'm sure fully thought-out and I was born in this month  "
You inhabited 'no' at birth. 
Are there any negative consequences when you say no? |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I had a period where I intentionally said yes to everything within reason and this made it clear to me which things I should be saying no to.
I never have an issue saying no to the things that do not fit well with me"
That's a good way to approach learning what works for you.
I am thinking of making May the 'yes' month and calling it Yay! |
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In some areas I have no issues at all with saying no. I guard my time carefully at work and say no to anything that will distract me from achieving what I need to.
I have always struggled more with family. Somehow I feel an obligation to do things I don't want to and to attend events I really dislike, because it's family and that's what you do.
Covid lockdowns have given me a good amount of space to think about what I actually enjoy and what I dislike but feel obliged to do. As a result I'm saying no to a lot of family stuff - attending a funeral but not the wake earlier in the year, in couple of weeks I'm attending a baptism but not the party afterwards, at Christmas I've cut out all the family get-togethers that I don't enjoy and I'm focusing on going to the one evening that I really love and have missed over the last two years.
I would normally want to find some excuse to not go, but I'm gradually getting more comfortable with just saying "I won't be there, but thank you for the invitation" and letting that be enough. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm going to try this, thanks.
I don't really like talking about anything real on here usually, but the truth is I'm pretty much at breaking point with the number of directions I'm being pulled in just now! I've been trying to pull back, but I am definitely a people-pleasing sucker by default, so saying no doesn't come easy. I'll be taking the tips from that site and trying harder  |
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By *S2004Man
over a year ago
Bromsgrove |
"I'm going to try this, thanks.
I don't really like talking about anything real on here usually, but the truth is I'm pretty much at breaking point with the number of directions I'm being pulled in just now! I've been trying to pull back, but I am definitely a people-pleasing sucker by default, so saying no doesn't come easy. I'll be taking the tips from that site and trying harder "
good luck and I may well take a similar approach!! |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"In some areas I have no issues at all with saying no. I guard my time carefully at work and say no to anything that will distract me from achieving what I need to.
I have always struggled more with family. Somehow I feel an obligation to do things I don't want to and to attend events I really dislike, because it's family and that's what you do.
Covid lockdowns have given me a good amount of space to think about what I actually enjoy and what I dislike but feel obliged to do. As a result I'm saying no to a lot of family stuff - attending a funeral but not the wake earlier in the year, in couple of weeks I'm attending a baptism but not the party afterwards, at Christmas I've cut out all the family get-togethers that I don't enjoy and I'm focusing on going to the one evening that I really love and have missed over the last two years.
I would normally want to find some excuse to not go, but I'm gradually getting more comfortable with just saying "I won't be there, but thank you for the invitation" and letting that be enough."
I really love that you are not qualifying why are saying no to your family. Us Brits are very good at saying, "That sounds great, but I'll have to check my diary" deferring the no until the last minute.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I had a period where I intentionally said yes to everything within reason and this made it clear to me which things I should be saying no to.
I never have an issue saying no to the things that do not fit well with me
That's a good way to approach learning what works for you.
I am thinking of making May the 'yes' month and calling it Yay!"
That’s a great idea. You get to understand your boundaries a lot better |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I'm going to try this, thanks.
I don't really like talking about anything real on here usually, but the truth is I'm pretty much at breaking point with the number of directions I'm being pulled in just now! I've been trying to pull back, but I am definitely a people-pleasing sucker by default, so saying no doesn't come easy. I'll be taking the tips from that site and trying harder "
We want to feel needed, and pleasing others is an almost universal experience in the upbringing of girls and women.
Good luck and come here for help if you get stuck.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I'm going to try this, thanks.
I don't really like talking about anything real on here usually, but the truth is I'm pretty much at breaking point with the number of directions I'm being pulled in just now! I've been trying to pull back, but I am definitely a people-pleasing sucker by default, so saying no doesn't come easy. I'll be taking the tips from that site and trying harder
good luck and I may well take a similar approach!!"
You can start small. It's just one 'no' a day.
I'm hoping to build up to more noes per day as the month goes on.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I had a period where I intentionally said yes to everything within reason and this made it clear to me which things I should be saying no to.
I never have an issue saying no to the things that do not fit well with me
That's a good way to approach learning what works for you.
I am thinking of making May the 'yes' month and calling it Yay!
That’s a great idea. You get to understand your boundaries a lot better"
That may be another thread in the coming days/months. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't struggle to say no and I don't feel a need to qualify it
I'm also so much better at saying yes which has worked out incredibly well
Have you always had this ability?
"
Probably not, it's come with age and changing circumstances and knowing what makes me feel content in life |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm going to try this, thanks.
I don't really like talking about anything real on here usually, but the truth is I'm pretty much at breaking point with the number of directions I'm being pulled in just now! I've been trying to pull back, but I am definitely a people-pleasing sucker by default, so saying no doesn't come easy. I'll be taking the tips from that site and trying harder "
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I don't struggle to say no and I don't feel a need to qualify it
I'm also so much better at saying yes which has worked out incredibly well
Have you always had this ability?
Probably not, it's come with age and changing circumstances and knowing what makes me feel content in life "
Practise making perfect. Congratulations.
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
"I have a strong feeling that this will be easy 
Are you an expert practitioner? We are willing to learn.
"
I have to say no quite a lot in my job, so I’m ok saying it at work. Not that it is always a direct ‘no’.
Outside of work it kind of comes out as “no, that won’t work for me” I find saying it easy enough but the overthinking after is the hard part for me. I’m a work in progress |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
I love this thread!
Saying ‘no’ is such an underused skill, learning how to prioritise and not take on too much, whilst maintaining your needs as your number one commitment is hard.
It’s easy to say yes and drain yourself, saying no maintains your balance in life. It’s all about what and who you say yes and no to |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I have a strong feeling that this will be easy
Are you an expert practitioner? We are willing to learn.
I have to say no quite a lot in my job, so I’m ok saying it at work. Not that it is always a direct ‘no’.
Outside of work it kind of comes out as “no, that won’t work for me” I find saying it easy enough but the overthinking after is the hard part for me. I’m a work in progress "
Ah! I sympathise. Progress is good.
My big no resulted in me worrying about the email silence after, and having to talk it through with someone.
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
I might try this. I'm dire at saying no in my personal life because I don't want to upset the other or be a pain in the arse or do anything that might rock the dynamic I have with another. It's bloody exhausting to be honest. I might not do well at it but I'll try. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I love this thread!
Saying ‘no’ is such an underused skill, learning how to prioritise and not take on too much, whilst maintaining your needs as your number one commitment is hard.
It’s easy to say yes and drain yourself, saying no maintains your balance in life. It’s all about what and who you say yes and no to"
As always, you provide comprehension, interpretation and a very good summary.
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
"I have a strong feeling that this will be easy
Are you an expert practitioner? We are willing to learn.
I have to say no quite a lot in my job, so I’m ok saying it at work. Not that it is always a direct ‘no’.
Outside of work it kind of comes out as “no, that won’t work for me” I find saying it easy enough but the overthinking after is the hard part for me. I’m a work in progress
Ah! I sympathise. Progress is good.
My big no resulted in me worrying about the email silence after, and having to talk it through with someone.
"
I can relate to that feeling. Are you more comfortable with it now? |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I might try this. I'm dire at saying no in my personal life because I don't want to upset the other or be a pain in the arse or do anything that might rock the dynamic I have with another. It's bloody exhausting to be honest. I might not do well at it but I'll try."
Start small. Starting with an out of the blue no to something assumed as a fundamental to the relationship may be a shock to all involved. Build up to the bigger issues. The month is only a week old.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I have a strong feeling that this will be easy
Are you an expert practitioner? We are willing to learn.
I have to say no quite a lot in my job, so I’m ok saying it at work. Not that it is always a direct ‘no’.
Outside of work it kind of comes out as “no, that won’t work for me” I find saying it easy enough but the overthinking after is the hard part for me. I’m a work in progress
Ah! I sympathise. Progress is good.
My big no resulted in me worrying about the email silence after, and having to talk it through with someone.
I can relate to that feeling. Are you more comfortable with it now? "
Comfortable, relieved and sure they have understood me. |
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
"I have a strong feeling that this will be easy
Are you an expert practitioner? We are willing to learn.
I have to say no quite a lot in my job, so I’m ok saying it at work. Not that it is always a direct ‘no’.
Outside of work it kind of comes out as “no, that won’t work for me” I find saying it easy enough but the overthinking after is the hard part for me. I’m a work in progress
Ah! I sympathise. Progress is good.
My big no resulted in me worrying about the email silence after, and having to talk it through with someone.
I can relate to that feeling. Are you more comfortable with it now?
Comfortable, relieved and sure they have understood me."
And that is why it’s important to say no. Well done Lickety |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
I probably won't be able to do much no-ing, as most requests are from my immediate family and it's important stuff.
Other than men asking for sex-which I frequently say no to-I only really speak to family. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I love this thread!
Saying ‘no’ is such an underused skill, learning how to prioritise and not take on too much, whilst maintaining your needs as your number one commitment is hard.
It’s easy to say yes and drain yourself, saying no maintains your balance in life. It’s all about what and who you say yes and no to
As always, you provide comprehension, interpretation and a very good summary.
"
You flatter me!  |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I probably won't be able to do much no-ing, as most requests are from my immediate family and it's important stuff.
Other than men asking for sex-which I frequently say no to-I only really speak to family. "
Bad-Nanna is back!
I hope there are bits outside of Fab it's ok for you to say no to.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I've got really good at saying no, or not really, or its not my thing ... Not for me thanks! So many ways to decline "
I saw a whole thread on TwitTwat setting out the British way of saying no but making it sound like a potential yes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think 99% of adult discussions can be more diplomatic that a straight yes or no, and genuinely find the notion of saying 'no' to everything pretty arrogant.
I have half a dozen line reports at work, who have line reports themselves. 'No' to everything would be fucking terrible for morale and halt rapport building. Diplomacy is rewarded in spades, especially as a line manager. Its even more important with children, but that's a different discussion |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I think 99% of adult discussions can be more diplomatic that a straight yes or no, and genuinely find the notion of saying 'no' to everything pretty arrogant.
I have half a dozen line reports at work, who have line reports themselves. 'No' to everything would be fucking terrible for morale and halt rapport building. Diplomacy is rewarded in spades, especially as a line manager. Its even more important with children, but that's a different discussion"
No one is suggesting anyone says no to everything.
Learning to say no is as a skill. It shouldn't be about arrogance but clear communication.
In work and personal relationships I think there is more damage caused with those unclear noes that leave people waiting for something to happen that never will. Or, those times when you lack the skill of saying no and instead do whatever it is and do it badly and with resentment.
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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago
Back of Nowhere and Beyond |
I've always been very bad at saying no, and as a result have found myself pulled in a number of directions I haven't been happy with for pretty much my entire life.
I know exactly why it is that I struggle with the word, and why I have a desire to please everyone, but I didn't realise until some of my favourite people really laid it down for me that actually it has been hurting me, and that's bad.
They've made me see that saying no isn't actually a negative thing, rather a choice, and my choice is as valid as anyone else's. And is more important for me. While I may not be practicing saying it enough yet, I'm accepting that for my own well being I do need to.
I hope those people read this and smile, I really do.
So I'm totally in, OP. Let's do this!
Posh  |
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"I've always been very bad at saying no, and as a result have found myself pulled in a number of directions I haven't been happy with for pretty much my entire life.
I know exactly why it is that I struggle with the word, and why I have a desire to please everyone, but I didn't realise until some of my favourite people really laid it down for me that actually it has been hurting me, and that's bad.
They've made me see that saying no isn't actually a negative thing, rather a choice, and my choice is as valid as anyone else's. And is more important for me. While I may not be practicing saying it enough yet, I'm accepting that for my own well being I do need to.
I hope those people read this and smile, I really do.
So I'm totally in, OP. Let's do this!
Posh "
That's my girl x |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
"I use no a lot simple reason is I don't like agreeing unless I'm sure fully thought-out and I was born in this month
You inhabited 'no' at birth.
Are there any negative consequences when you say no?"
I'm sure their might be but no I don't think about it |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I've always been very bad at saying no, and as a result have found myself pulled in a number of directions I haven't been happy with for pretty much my entire life.
I know exactly why it is that I struggle with the word, and why I have a desire to please everyone, but I didn't realise until some of my favourite people really laid it down for me that actually it has been hurting me, and that's bad.
They've made me see that saying no isn't actually a negative thing, rather a choice, and my choice is as valid as anyone else's. And is more important for me. While I may not be practicing saying it enough yet, I'm accepting that for my own well being I do need to.
I hope those people read this and smile, I really do.
So I'm totally in, OP. Let's do this!
Posh "
I'm pleased to see you prioritising you and your choices. Keep going. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I used to say yes all the time as I grew up, as my mother expected it from me and liked to manipulate me to make her happy. When I finally realised what she was doing I made a mental note and started saying no to certain things especially after I moved away from home. Saying no to someone, including family, is saying yes to yourself. It feels good to be that assertive x |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I used to say yes all the time as I grew up, as my mother expected it from me and liked to manipulate me to make her happy. When I finally realised what she was doing I made a mental note and started saying no to certain things especially after I moved away from home. Saying no to someone, including family, is saying yes to yourself. It feels good to be that assertive x "
I need an applause emoji. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I used to say yes all the time as I grew up, as my mother expected it from me and liked to manipulate me to make her happy. When I finally realised what she was doing I made a mental note and started saying no to certain things especially after I moved away from home. Saying no to someone, including family, is saying yes to yourself. It feels good to be that assertive x
I need an applause emoji. "
I might not get an applause when I tell her no to xmas with her  |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I used to say yes all the time as I grew up, as my mother expected it from me and liked to manipulate me to make her happy. When I finally realised what she was doing I made a mental note and started saying no to certain things especially after I moved away from home. Saying no to someone, including family, is saying yes to yourself. It feels good to be that assertive x
I need an applause emoji.
I might not get an applause when I tell her no to xmas with her "
Maybe not, but give yourself a pat on the back for giving yourself the Christmas present you want. |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"I probably won't be able to do much no-ing, as most requests are from my immediate family and it's important stuff.
Other than men asking for sex-which I frequently say no to-I only really speak to family.
Bad-Nanna is back!
I hope there are bits outside of Fab it's ok for you to say no to.
"
There's not much I don't want to say no to that doesn't involve something sexual.
I do have an invite to a party I'm going to decline, but I don't find it difficult to say no when I really mean it. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I probably won't be able to do much no-ing, as most requests are from my immediate family and it's important stuff.
Other than men asking for sex-which I frequently say no to-I only really speak to family.
Bad-Nanna is back!
I hope there are bits outside of Fab it's ok for you to say no to.
There's not much I don't want to say no to that doesn't involve something sexual.
I do have an invite to a party I'm going to decline, but I don't find it difficult to say no when I really mean it. "
I aspire to be you, Twinny.
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
I said no to one of my favourite penis of all time because I realised as much as I appreciated him carnally, my mental state didn't. It was a hard no to type to be honest but then I kept thinking about the absolute ballache he is, even if he's beautiful and decent at penis-ing. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I said no to one of my favourite penis of all time because I realised as much as I appreciated him carnally, my mental state didn't. It was a hard no to type to be honest but then I kept thinking about the absolute ballache he is, even if he's beautiful and decent at penis-ing."
Excellent penis-ing would come without absolute ballache-ry.
Congratulations for putting your head first.
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"I had a period where I intentionally said yes to everything within reason and this made it clear to me which things I should be saying no to.
I never have an issue saying no to the things that do not fit well with me
That's a good way to approach learning what works for you.
I am thinking of making May the 'yes' month and calling it Yay!"
I like that |
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