FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > How do you deal with stubborn people?
How do you deal with stubborn people?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have a friend, love her dearly but she’s so stubborn it actually makes you feel angry inside.
She’s having a baby shower (I don’t particularly agree with these but there we are). Anyway she wants one of those grazing tables that seem to be the fashion now and I’ve seen the shopping list. It’s different meats, cheeses, fruits, breadsticks, olives and that’s about it really.
I’ve said what about sandwiches and pasties or some cupcakes and get a tea urn for people to have cups of tea. No. No. They don’t have that on the pictures. I don’t want that. Don’t want that. It’s like ahh just fucking do what you want. It’s only gonna be 4pm on a Sunday where most people have had their lunch and by teatime will want something to fill them up a but it’s just a losing battle.
It’s like the wedding again where she wanted all us bridesmaids in the same dress, same length, same hair, same makeup even though we were all completely different heights, hair colours, body shapes and skin colours. We all looked stupid cos nothing suited us but what can you do.
I’d hate to think I was that stubborn that I wouldn’t accept other peoples ideas to make something better than your original vision and to think of things you possibly hadn’t thought of. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Och, I couldn’t lose sleep over this. I’m pretty laidback mind you.
You’ve made your point, and she didn’t take it on board. Her choice I guess.
Keep a mental note and put her in a meringue bridesmaid dress if and when the time comes  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It’s her day. Are you not being stubborn for not accepting she knows what she wants?"
Yeah but when you do any sort of party you’re catering to the guests not yourself.
I jut don’t want it to look shit and for people to talk about the crap spread. |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
It's a baby shower not a wedding.
I'm going to one soon and am not expecting to be fed a big meal.
It's her baby shower, she can do it her way.
As for stubborn people, the only time I would worry is if they were feeling ill and wouldn't go to see a GP. |
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"It’s her day. Are you not being stubborn for not accepting she knows what she wants?
Yeah but when you do any sort of party you’re catering to the guests not yourself.
I jut don’t want it to look shit and for people to talk about the crap spread. "
It’s not about you. |
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"It’s her day. Are you not being stubborn for not accepting she knows what she wants?
Yeah but when you do any sort of party you’re catering to the guests not yourself.
I jut don’t want it to look shit and for people to talk about the crap spread. "
I love how even your replies are stubbornly disagree with it
Sounds like someone’s projecting |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"I’d hate to think I was that stubborn that I wouldn’t accept other peoples ideas to make something better than your original vision and to think of things you possibly hadn’t thought of. "
But you are! You are not accepting her idea’s and instead seem to insinuate your idea is better and will make her event better. Maybe it will, but you should support your friend not come to a swingers site and bad mouth her. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A baby shower is American bull shit that’s crept over here. Just give gifts when the baby is born. Spending £100’s of pounds on a balloon person and a professional cake and organising all this just 10 days away from birth just seems ludicrous to me. I don’t want to go but me and my other friend are her closest so we have to and we both feel the same. Yeah she can do what she wants but assigns tasks to us then. The games and the entertainment. Me and my friend have spent £74 between us which isn’t that much but it’s the researching and trying to see what things go down in a baby shower.
Just fucks me off. If you have an idea do it and let me go as a guest. Don’t rope me in to do things that cost me time and money but then shut down my suggestion of laying on the facilities to have a cuppa tea and cake like.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Literally posted a thread asking for advice, clearly isn’t reading or listening to any of the advice being offered and continuing to whinge about stubborn qualities she’s displaying herself.
Also, sounds like an awful friend “I don’t even want to go”. Girl, bye. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Yeah the advice is let her do her own thing which is what I’m doing.
Don’t question my friendship. If she said she killed someone’s I’d be the first one there with a rug to roll them in. |
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"Yeah the advice is let her do her own thing which is what I’m doing.
Don’t question my friendship. If she said she killed someone’s I’d be the first one there with a rug to roll them in. "
You’d help her bury a body but won’t let her plan her own baby shower without bitching about it
What an odd friendship |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"A baby shower is American bull shit that’s crept over here. Just give gifts when the baby is born. Spending £100’s of pounds on a balloon person and a professional cake and organising all this just 10 days away from birth just seems ludicrous to me. I don’t want to go but me and my other friend are her closest so we have to and we both feel the same. Yeah she can do what she wants but assigns tasks to us then. The games and the entertainment. Me and my friend have spent £74 between us which isn’t that much but it’s the researching and trying to see what things go down in a baby shower.
Just fucks me off. If you have an idea do it and let me go as a guest. Don’t rope me in to do things that cost me time and money but then shut down my suggestion of laying on the facilities to have a cuppa tea and cake like.
"
Perhaps you should re-evaluate your relationship with her, as you make it sound like she is an obligation and burden not a friend. You seem especially put out that she didn’t go for your idea about having tea and cakes. That makes you sound quite controlling and not in a healthy way. Perhaps you could use this as an exercise in letting things slide and just being there for your friend? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yeah the advice is let her do her own thing which is what I’m doing.
Don’t question my friendship. If she said she killed someone’s I’d be the first one there with a rug to roll them in. "
You’re not “letting her do her own thing” - she’s doing it anyway because like so many have said, it’s her day not yours. If you knew how self absorbed you sounded… well actually, maybe you’d still post because you’re clearly under the impression most situations are about or should be dictated around you.
There is no question about it, it’s clear you are a terrible friend with no loyalties or respect, coming on to a swinging forum to call your friend out to strangers who don’t know her. You have a problem with it, take it up with her, not people you don’t know on the internet hoping they will agree with you and cuss her out. Actions speak louder than words, babygirl. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A baby shower is American bull shit that’s crept over here. Just give gifts when the baby is born. Spending £100’s of pounds on a balloon person and a professional cake and organising all this just 10 days away from birth just seems ludicrous to me. I don’t want to go but me and my other friend are her closest so we have to and we both feel the same. Yeah she can do what she wants but assigns tasks to us then. The games and the entertainment. Me and my friend have spent £74 between us which isn’t that much but it’s the researching and trying to see what things go down in a baby shower.
Just fucks me off. If you have an idea do it and let me go as a guest. Don’t rope me in to do things that cost me time and money but then shut down my suggestion of laying on the facilities to have a cuppa tea and cake like.
"
If you didn’t want to help, you should have said no. It would have been a good time to practice boundary setting.
Now you’ve said you’ll help, help her how she’s requested. |
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I'm flexible but also prone to having red lines that I won't cross, or stubborn.
I think once you have communicated your views for an open event, then it's about dialogue. If it's for someone else's event, then we can step back and either support them 100%, or decline the offer of attendance.
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Ok, perhaps I'm going to raise my head above the parapet here and get it shot off. It's indeed her event/babyshower but friendship is also about taking heed of your friend's advice and suggestions (You don't have to follow up on that advice).
I think OP is probably thinking about the practicalities of the event: if I was attending I would expect sandwiches et al, because I'd be quite hungry around that time.
I dunno...  |
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I’ve got a friend like this. I adore her but it’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes when she’s got an idea in her head.
It’s a protective thing. You want to help them see that sometimes their idea won’t work, and you don’t want them being disappointed afterwards if it’s not EXACTLY how they picture it. I would just lay out what she wants, but be ready with plan B. |
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"I’ve got a friend like this. I adore her but it’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes when she’s got an idea in her head.
It’s a protective thing. You want to help them see that sometimes their idea won’t work, and you don’t want them being disappointed afterwards if it’s not EXACTLY how they picture it. I would just lay out what she wants, but be ready with plan B. "
•
Eloquently put. Spot on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She doesn't want to spoil the look of the graze table and you just want it to be more substantial, so maybe just suggest adding some nice crusty bread or something and everyone's happy? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How did she feel about the wedding in the end?
My hot take is "better" is relative. If her goal is an insta worthy shower, your suggestions are not great.
If they are about the guests, then your suggestions have legs. But then what is the resistance?
If her priority is jnsta, but wants both .... Why can't the tea urn be out the picture ? What is she doing for drinks ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A baby shower is American bull shit that’s crept over here. Just give gifts when the baby is born. Spending £100’s of pounds on a balloon person and a professional cake and organising all this just 10 days away from birth just seems ludicrous to me. I don’t want to go but me and my other friend are her closest so we have to and we both feel the same. Yeah she can do what she wants but assigns tasks to us then. The games and the entertainment. Me and my friend have spent £74 between us which isn’t that much but it’s the researching and trying to see what things go down in a baby shower.
Just fucks me off. If you have an idea do it and let me go as a guest. Don’t rope me in to do things that cost me time and money but then shut down my suggestion of laying on the facilities to have a cuppa tea and cake like.
"
Tell her to fuck off and sort it herself. Why are you spending money on it?
Baby showers are ridiculous. I wouldn't go. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s her day. Are you not being stubborn for not accepting she knows what she wants?
Yeah but when you do any sort of party you’re catering to the guests not yourself.
I jut don’t want it to look shit and for people to talk about the crap spread. "
Why would you care that much about what people say about it? You're a guest not the star turn. It should not reflect on you one way or another.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yeah the advice is let her do her own thing which is what I’m doing.
Don’t question my friendship. If she said she killed someone’s I’d be the first one there with a rug to roll them in. "
That’s true friendship. Bonded by blood. So a few cakes and a cuppa should be a pice of piss (though not int he mouth)  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s her day. Are you not being stubborn for not accepting she knows what she wants?
100%  its her day respect that.  "
Agreed, I mean it makes sense for her to do whatever she like on this day
Btw Charcuterie boards!!!! I’m howling  |
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"Ok, perhaps I'm going to raise my head above the parapet here and get it shot off. It's indeed her event/babyshower but friendship is also about taking heed of your friend's advice and suggestions (You don't have to follow up on that advice).
I think OP is probably thinking about the practicalities of the event: if I was attending I would expect sandwiches et al, because I'd be quite hungry around that time.
I dunno... "
Who goes to a baby shower expecting to be fed ?
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"I’ve got a friend like this. I adore her but it’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes when she’s got an idea in her head.
It’s a protective thing. You want to help them see that sometimes their idea won’t work, and you don’t want them being disappointed afterwards if it’s not EXACTLY how they picture it. I would just lay out what she wants, but be ready with plan B. "
It's not her daughter. It's another adult woman. She doesn't need to 'protect' her. She's shared her ideas , now she should carry out her friends wishes.
Or say she is incapable of doing it. |
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By *aui.Man
over a year ago
around here |
I am not a fan of those graze tables either. I’ve been to a few do’s with these and usually leave hungry as I’ve only had half a grape, a weird piece of cheese and a bread stick. They are totally instagramable though which is what most will want from a baby shower.
To be honest though as a fully grown adult with my own ideas if a mate starts sticking their ore in because they ‘know best’ it fucks me right off. Suggestions are fine, interfering isn’t. It’s my do, I’ll do it my way. If you don’t like it, don’t come. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s her day. Are you not being stubborn for not accepting she knows what she wants?
100% its her day respect that.
Agreed, I mean it makes sense for her to do whatever she like on this day
Btw Charcuterie boards!!!! I’m howling "
Gatsby loves a charcuterie board miss k |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whats a graze table ? Not having Instagram or social media means we miss out on these new fangled things. Sounds pretty good to me from how u describe it. Like a posh buffet ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A baby shower is American bull shit that’s crept over here. Just give gifts when the baby is born. Spending £100’s of pounds on a balloon person and a professional cake and organising all this just 10 days away from birth just seems ludicrous to me. I don’t want to go but me and my other friend are her closest so we have to and we both feel the same. Yeah she can do what she wants but assigns tasks to us then. The games and the entertainment. Me and my friend have spent £74 between us which isn’t that much but it’s the researching and trying to see what things go down in a baby shower.
Just fucks me off. If you have an idea do it and let me go as a guest. Don’t rope me in to do things that cost me time and money but then shut down my suggestion of laying on the facilities to have a cuppa tea and cake like.
Tell her to fuck off and sort it herself. Why are you spending money on it?
Baby showers are ridiculous. I wouldn't go."
I think it's too pricey and another form of 'begging' for presents!
I'd rather be skint and buy second hand ..... oh I did lol  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s her day. Are you not being stubborn for not accepting she knows what she wants?
100% its her day respect that.
Agreed, I mean it makes sense for her to do whatever she like on this day
Btw Charcuterie boards!!!! I’m howling
Gatsby loves a charcuterie board miss k "
I mean, so decadent but so GOOD I admit I can’t resist them myself, Sir x |
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Solved it !
On one side of the palace put the 'graze' table for the friends that came to GIVE.
Photos of this can be taken for insta and the future.
On the other side of the room put a 'stuff your hodge with all you can table' for the people that came to make nasty remarks and just fill their face and criticise.
Job done.....
Dunno how I do it .....
I should write a book  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whats a graze table ? Not having Instagram or social media means we miss out on these new fangled things. Sounds pretty good to me from how u describe it. Like a posh buffet ?"
It's a fancy table, like a cow trough for people l to make people who follow your Insta and Faceache think your posh when you post pictures of it
I'm with you Annie, a baby shower needs cake, sandwiches and a good cup of tea. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's your friends baby shower, her choice of food.
She likes baby showers, you don't have to go to it.
Personally i have enjoyed all the baby showers I've been to, all had snack type food, they were perfect, i didn't expect a meal i had a meal at home. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A baby shower is American bull shit that’s crept over here.
"
I was wondering what a baby shower was. I might have guessed it's another idea imported from America. |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"A baby shower is American bull shit that’s crept over here. Just give gifts when the baby is born. Spending £100’s of pounds on a balloon person and a professional cake and organising all this just 10 days away from birth just seems ludicrous to me. I don’t want to go but me and my other friend are her closest so we have to and we both feel the same. Yeah she can do what she wants but assigns tasks to us then. The games and the entertainment. Me and my friend have spent £74 between us which isn’t that much but it’s the researching and trying to see what things go down in a baby shower.
Just fucks me off. If you have an idea do it and let me go as a guest. Don’t rope me in to do things that cost me time and money but then shut down my suggestion of laying on the facilities to have a cuppa tea and cake like.
"
Don't cave to peer pressure. Tell her you'll come but don't agree with them and will not be helping with the arrangements.
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"A baby shower is American bull shit that’s crept over here.
I was wondering what a baby shower was. I might have guessed it's another idea imported from America."
I've been to two and they were a nice afternoon with friends, playing fun games and chilling.
I don't put down anything that other people enjoy.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A baby shower is American bull shit that’s crept over here. Just give gifts when the baby is born. Spending £100’s of pounds on a balloon person and a professional cake and organising all this just 10 days away from birth just seems ludicrous to me. I don’t want to go but me and my other friend are her closest so we have to and we both feel the same. Yeah she can do what she wants but assigns tasks to us then. The games and the entertainment. Me and my friend have spent £74 between us which isn’t that much but it’s the researching and trying to see what things go down in a baby shower.
Just fucks me off. If you have an idea do it and let me go as a guest. Don’t rope me in to do things that cost me time and money but then shut down my suggestion of laying on the facilities to have a cuppa tea and cake like.
If you didn’t want to help, you should have said no. It would have been a good time to practice boundary setting.
Now you’ve said you’ll help, help her how she’s requested. "
That’s the thing. I HAVEN’T said I’d help. At no point in time did I ever offer my services but as her closest I get tasks bestowed upon me. I’d love to just be able to go as a guest and have no involvement at all.
I like helping people. I don’t like being expected to help, that’s the difference. Spent my own time and money buying all these things for games and activities to do. Giving up my Sunday where I have my own child to look after and ensure she’s fed as well and she wants my kid there too and told other guests to bring their children too. I don’t think it’s too absurd if you’re catering for people to have a bit of choice, some tea, some sandwiches, cakes etc rather than just cold meats, soft cheese and olives and grapes like. |
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"Solved it !
On one side of the palace put the 'graze' table for the friends that came to GIVE.
Photos of this can be taken for insta and the future.
On the other side of the room put a 'stuff your hodge with all you can table' for the people that came to make nasty remarks and just fill their face and criticise.
Job done.....
Dunno how I do it .....
I should write a book "
Lmao |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Bring some cakes and a teapot. Tell her you are helping out
that's what friends are for....
Maybe she'll lighten up and see the joke!"
Why would anyone do something as passive aggressive as this to a pregnant friend with clear views about how they want their baby shower?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Also re: the wedding. On the day one of the bridesmaids was having a panic attack because she’d not long been going out with her boyfriend who was a guest and she was hysterical in the toilet cos she didn’t want him to see her looking shit.
All of us bridesmaids were miserable and it showed because none of us were comfortable in how we looked. Even my friend said afterwards that yes my dress length should have been shorter like was suggested because I am just under 5’3 with little dumpy legs and a calf length dress just looked awful. All our hairstyles were the same all our make up was the same even the same shade of lipstick. One of us was pale skinned and ginger, me I’m dark hair dark skin, one girl was black, one was fair skinned and blonde. You can’t do the same colour make up on all those different skin tones. Then after the wedding my friend (the bride) moaning at us cos we didn’t look like the idea on Pinterest where all the bridesmaids she was basing the look on looked like 6ft blonde models.
I know that if this goes to shit and people don’t eat the food or whatever it will be me and my friend that get moaned at. Why didn’t you say anything kind of things. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"A baby shower is American bull shit that’s crept over here. Just give gifts when the baby is born. Spending £100’s of pounds on a balloon person and a professional cake and organising all this just 10 days away from birth just seems ludicrous to me. I don’t want to go but me and my other friend are her closest so we have to and we both feel the same. Yeah she can do what she wants but assigns tasks to us then. The games and the entertainment. Me and my friend have spent £74 between us which isn’t that much but it’s the researching and trying to see what things go down in a baby shower.
Just fucks me off. If you have an idea do it and let me go as a guest. Don’t rope me in to do things that cost me time and money but then shut down my suggestion of laying on the facilities to have a cuppa tea and cake like.
If you didn’t want to help, you should have said no. It would have been a good time to practice boundary setting.
Now you’ve said you’ll help, help her how she’s requested.
That’s the thing. I HAVEN’T said I’d help. At no point in time did I ever offer my services but as her closest I get tasks bestowed upon me. I’d love to just be able to go as a guest and have no involvement at all.
I like helping people. I don’t like being expected to help, that’s the difference. Spent my own time and money buying all these things for games and activities to do. Giving up my Sunday where I have my own child to look after and ensure she’s fed as well and she wants my kid there too and told other guests to bring their children too. I don’t think it’s too absurd if you’re catering for people to have a bit of choice, some tea, some sandwiches, cakes etc rather than just cold meats, soft cheese and olives and grapes like."
That's not a discussion about stubbornness but a discussion with your friend about asking not expecting help.
You may well help her with a dead body but you'd be arguing about the carpet it's rolled up in!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Also re: the wedding. On the day one of the bridesmaids was having a panic attack because she’d not long been going out with her boyfriend who was a guest and she was hysterical in the toilet cos she didn’t want him to see her looking shit.
All of us bridesmaids were miserable and it showed because none of us were comfortable in how we looked. Even my friend said afterwards that yes my dress length should have been shorter like was suggested because I am just under 5’3 with little dumpy legs and a calf length dress just looked awful. All our hairstyles were the same all our make up was the same even the same shade of lipstick. One of us was pale skinned and ginger, me I’m dark hair dark skin, one girl was black, one was fair skinned and blonde. You can’t do the same colour make up on all those different skin tones. Then after the wedding my friend (the bride) moaning at us cos we didn’t look like the idea on Pinterest where all the bridesmaids she was basing the look on looked like 6ft blonde models.
I know that if this goes to shit and people don’t eat the food or whatever it will be me and my friend that get moaned at. Why didn’t you say anything kind of things. "
You can’t take responsibility for her decisions, and you can’t dictate her processes, it’s something she needs to learn herself. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It’s a combination of things. It’s stubbornness in the sense of when we (my other friend and I) think of all the times where it was absolutely her way only, the wedding and what WE had to wear and be styled like. I remember saying I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid and could I just go as a guest but I didn’t hear the end of it, wasn’t a true friend if we weren’t bridesmaids. Remember in 2015 when I was moaning about Marbella the hen weekend. Bare in mind me and my other friend both were single parents do hardly money to burn on all this, my daughter was 6 then. Was expected to arrange 2 UK hen parties one in wales for the people who couldn’t go to Marbella or the one in Newcastle yet me and my friend had to go to all 3. When I said I could only do one all hell broke loose cos we were the main bridesmaids something I didn’t even wanna be in the first place.
I’m venting massively cos I’m giving up overtime tonight to go to this shower tomorrow and giving up overtime tomorrow night. This close to Xmas when I’m in the middle of trying to completely redecorate and refurnish my daughters bedroom as one of her Xmas presents. I’m venting cos I feel pressured to do something I didn’t even want to do in the first place and then pissed off that yet again it’s her way only. Yes it’s her day and event but think of the people that are giving up their Sundays and what they might want to snack on considering this will take them up to around 6:30pm time they get home, bath the children have to give them food because kids may not want to eat cold chorizo and olives.
I know the people going, you lot don’t. I know people will talk about this if it goes to shit and then I have to stick up for friend every though I think her idea is shit as well. I have the luxury of a long ass history, you lot don’t. I’m not a horrible person and even though it may not come across I do just want the day to be a success.
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
"Park up in a hot dog van outside and make a killing when everyone leaves. "
I’d so be up for this. A burger van one side of the drive and a Mr Whippy van parked up on the other side. Job done
But seriously, hope the day goes off to plan.
If it’s her first baby I can understand her being a bit “hands off!” You just want everything to be your own idea of perfect.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It’s definitely triggered me was saying this to my other friend earlier. It’s the 3 of us that are tight tight. I think it’s because I wouldn’t expect any of them to help me put on a party or event and certainly wouldn’t make them feel bad if they said they didn’t want to. I like helping people, I love helping people I just don’t like feeling forced into it.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve got a friend like this. I adore her but it’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes when she’s got an idea in her head.
It’s a protective thing. You want to help them see that sometimes their idea won’t work, and you don’t want them being disappointed afterwards if it’s not EXACTLY how they picture it. I would just lay out what she wants, but be ready with plan B. "
The question is though: What gives you the clairvoyance to see that it will be bad and they'll be disappointed?
What if it is *your* ideas that are bad and you're just self-absorbed, as OP very clearly is? It's weird, controlling behaviour to assume you know better and your friend is getting carried away and that a Plan B will be necessary so you can swoop in and save the day and make it all about you.
And if it doesn't work out, let them make their own mistakes, they're their own person at the end of the day.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s a combination of things. It’s stubbornness in the sense of when we (my other friend and I) think of all the times where it was absolutely her way only, the wedding and what WE had to wear and be styled like. I remember saying I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid and could I just go as a guest but I didn’t hear the end of it, wasn’t a true friend if we weren’t bridesmaids. Remember in 2015 when I was moaning about Marbella the hen weekend. Bare in mind me and my other friend both were single parents do hardly money to burn on all this, my daughter was 6 then. Was expected to arrange 2 UK hen parties one in wales for the people who couldn’t go to Marbella or the one in Newcastle yet me and my friend had to go to all 3. When I said I could only do one all hell broke loose cos we were the main bridesmaids something I didn’t even wanna be in the first place.
I’m venting massively cos I’m giving up overtime tonight to go to this shower tomorrow and giving up overtime tomorrow night. This close to Xmas when I’m in the middle of trying to completely redecorate and refurnish my daughters bedroom as one of her Xmas presents. I’m venting cos I feel pressured to do something I didn’t even want to do in the first place and then pissed off that yet again it’s her way only. Yes it’s her day and event but think of the people that are giving up their Sundays and what they might want to snack on considering this will take them up to around 6:30pm time they get home, bath the children have to give them food because kids may not want to eat cold chorizo and olives.
I know the people going, you lot don’t. I know people will talk about this if it goes to shit and then I have to stick up for friend every though I think her idea is shit as well. I have the luxury of a long ass history, you lot don’t. I’m not a horrible person and even though it may not come across I do just want the day to be a success.
"
Why are you still friends with her? She sounds very high maintenance. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A baby shower is American bull shit that’s crept over here.
I was wondering what a baby shower was. I might have guessed it's another idea imported from America.
I've been to two and they were a nice afternoon with friends, playing fun games and chilling.
I don't put down anything that other people enjoy.
"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’ve got a friend like this. I adore her but it’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes when she’s got an idea in her head.
It’s a protective thing. You want to help them see that sometimes their idea won’t work, and you don’t want them being disappointed afterwards if it’s not EXACTLY how they picture it. I would just lay out what she wants, but be ready with plan B.
The question is though: What gives you the clairvoyance to see that it will be bad and they'll be disappointed?
What if it is *your* ideas that are bad and you're just self-absorbed, as OP very clearly is? It's weird, controlling behaviour to assume you know better and your friend is getting carried away and that a Plan B will be necessary so you can swoop in and save the day and make it all about you.
And if it doesn't work out, let them make their own mistakes, they're their own person at the end of the day. "
I don’t want the day to be about me. I don’t give a fuck for it. I really wouldn’t go if I could get out of it but I wouldn’t hear the end of it.
The language being used isn’t very nice. I’m being told multiple times that I’m self absorbed and not a good friend all because I think a baby shower should have tea, cakes and sandwiches as well as all the stuff that she wants for the grazing table. I’ve even offered to make the sandwiches. I know it’s her event but I also know her. She wants it to LOOK good for her socials. I’m thinking of the people attending. Even the grazing tables we looked at together I’ve said look they have sweet things (cakes biscuits, donuts etc). No I don’t want them I don’t eat that shit. She’s a fitness instructor and personal trainer as well. That’s what I mean about the stubborn. It’s the refusal to consider other people. |
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By *929Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"It’s a combination of things. It’s stubbornness in the sense of when we (my other friend and I) think of all the times where it was absolutely her way only, the wedding and what WE had to wear and be styled like. I remember saying I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid and could I just go as a guest but I didn’t hear the end of it, wasn’t a true friend if we weren’t bridesmaids. Remember in 2015 when I was moaning about Marbella the hen weekend. Bare in mind me and my other friend both were single parents do hardly money to burn on all this, my daughter was 6 then. Was expected to arrange 2 UK hen parties one in wales for the people who couldn’t go to Marbella or the one in Newcastle yet me and my friend had to go to all 3. When I said I could only do one all hell broke loose cos we were the main bridesmaids something I didn’t even wanna be in the first place.
I’m venting massively cos I’m giving up overtime tonight to go to this shower tomorrow and giving up overtime tomorrow night. This close to Xmas when I’m in the middle of trying to completely redecorate and refurnish my daughters bedroom as one of her Xmas presents. I’m venting cos I feel pressured to do something I didn’t even want to do in the first place and then pissed off that yet again it’s her way only. Yes it’s her day and event but think of the people that are giving up their Sundays and what they might want to snack on considering this will take them up to around 6:30pm time they get home, bath the children have to give them food because kids may not want to eat cold chorizo and olives.
I know the people going, you lot don’t. I know people will talk about this if it goes to shit and then I have to stick up for friend every though I think her idea is shit as well. I have the luxury of a long ass history, you lot don’t. I’m not a horrible person and even though it may not come across I do just want the day to be a success.
"
Being honest she sounds like an absolute pain in the arse. I know sometimes we make allowances for our long time friends but somewhere along the line you have to think a bit selfishly and think am I actually getting owt from this?
The whole hen party sounds like a fucking nightmare I know men are different but when one of my closest mates got married I couldn’t make his stag do due to having young kids so knocked off work early one weekday and went to pub just me and him and he was ower the moon with that everything I’d give and take in life |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I’ve got a friend like this. I adore her but it’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes when she’s got an idea in her head.
It’s a protective thing. You want to help them see that sometimes their idea won’t work, and you don’t want them being disappointed afterwards if it’s not EXACTLY how they picture it. I would just lay out what she wants, but be ready with plan B.
The question is though: What gives you the clairvoyance to see that it will be bad and they'll be disappointed?
What if it is *your* ideas that are bad and you're just self-absorbed, as OP very clearly is? It's weird, controlling behaviour to assume you know better and your friend is getting carried away and that a Plan B will be necessary so you can swoop in and save the day and make it all about you.
And if it doesn't work out, let them make their own mistakes, they're their own person at the end of the day.
I don’t want the day to be about me. I don’t give a fuck for it. I really wouldn’t go if I could get out of it but I wouldn’t hear the end of it.
The language being used isn’t very nice. I’m being told multiple times that I’m self absorbed and not a good friend all because I think a baby shower should have tea, cakes and sandwiches as well as all the stuff that she wants for the grazing table. I’ve even offered to make the sandwiches. I know it’s her event but I also know her. She wants it to LOOK good for her socials. I’m thinking of the people attending. Even the grazing tables we looked at together I’ve said look they have sweet things (cakes biscuits, donuts etc). No I don’t want them I don’t eat that shit. She’s a fitness instructor and personal trainer as well. That’s what I mean about the stubborn. It’s the refusal to consider other people. "
It's her baby shower, she can do what she wants. Don't go if you don't like it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Och, I couldn’t lose sleep over this. I’m pretty laidback mind you.
You’ve made your point, and she didn’t take it on board. Her choice I guess.
Keep a mental note and put her in a meringue bridesmaid dress if and when the time comes "
You're just.......so bloody ace! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It’s a combination of things. It’s stubbornness in the sense of when we (my other friend and I) think of all the times where it was absolutely her way only, the wedding and what WE had to wear and be styled like. I remember saying I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid and could I just go as a guest but I didn’t hear the end of it, wasn’t a true friend if we weren’t bridesmaids. Remember in 2015 when I was moaning about Marbella the hen weekend. Bare in mind me and my other friend both were single parents do hardly money to burn on all this, my daughter was 6 then. Was expected to arrange 2 UK hen parties one in wales for the people who couldn’t go to Marbella or the one in Newcastle yet me and my friend had to go to all 3. When I said I could only do one all hell broke loose cos we were the main bridesmaids something I didn’t even wanna be in the first place.
I’m venting massively cos I’m giving up overtime tonight to go to this shower tomorrow and giving up overtime tomorrow night. This close to Xmas when I’m in the middle of trying to completely redecorate and refurnish my daughters bedroom as one of her Xmas presents. I’m venting cos I feel pressured to do something I didn’t even want to do in the first place and then pissed off that yet again it’s her way only. Yes it’s her day and event but think of the people that are giving up their Sundays and what they might want to snack on considering this will take them up to around 6:30pm time they get home, bath the children have to give them food because kids may not want to eat cold chorizo and olives.
I know the people going, you lot don’t. I know people will talk about this if it goes to shit and then I have to stick up for friend every though I think her idea is shit as well. I have the luxury of a long ass history, you lot don’t. I’m not a horrible person and even though it may not come across I do just want the day to be a success.
Being honest she sounds like an absolute pain in the arse. I know sometimes we make allowances for our long time friends but somewhere along the line you have to think a bit selfishly and think am I actually getting owt from this?
The whole hen party sounds like a fucking nightmare I know men are different but when one of my closest mates got married I couldn’t make his stag do due to having young kids so knocked off work early one weekday and went to pub just me and him and he was ower the moon with that everything I’d give and take in life "
Her wedding and Hen parties cost me a couple of grand that’s including the 4 nights in Marbella. The two UK hens me and our other friend had to buy all the little bits and bobs. For BOTH events. The willy straws, the sashes for everyone, the games, the props, all the little things that people don’t think of. Although the bridesmaid dress was paid for by her and the hair and make up we all had to buy the shoes, the Swarovski hair grips, the bras cos we even had to wear certain bras.
I know I sound like I’m moaning a lot and I do love her just don’t like having demands on myself. I understand about money and the thing that’s even more important than money and that’s someones free time. I wouldn’t expect people to go out of their way for me and if they do I try and over compensate for their effort. Like my daughters parties all her life, normally on a Saturday. I know people work, I know people have commitments. If you’re dragging your kid out to bring her to my child’s party here’s the fucking feast, here’s the banging party bags that the kids have always been blown away by, that’s my thank you to the people and that how my kid has alway had parties with around 40 kids in attendance plus all the parents munching and having plates themselves. |
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By *929Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"It’s a combination of things. It’s stubbornness in the sense of when we (my other friend and I) think of all the times where it was absolutely her way only, the wedding and what WE had to wear and be styled like. I remember saying I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid and could I just go as a guest but I didn’t hear the end of it, wasn’t a true friend if we weren’t bridesmaids. Remember in 2015 when I was moaning about Marbella the hen weekend. Bare in mind me and my other friend both were single parents do hardly money to burn on all this, my daughter was 6 then. Was expected to arrange 2 UK hen parties one in wales for the people who couldn’t go to Marbella or the one in Newcastle yet me and my friend had to go to all 3. When I said I could only do one all hell broke loose cos we were the main bridesmaids something I didn’t even wanna be in the first place.
I’m venting massively cos I’m giving up overtime tonight to go to this shower tomorrow and giving up overtime tomorrow night. This close to Xmas when I’m in the middle of trying to completely redecorate and refurnish my daughters bedroom as one of her Xmas presents. I’m venting cos I feel pressured to do something I didn’t even want to do in the first place and then pissed off that yet again it’s her way only. Yes it’s her day and event but think of the people that are giving up their Sundays and what they might want to snack on considering this will take them up to around 6:30pm time they get home, bath the children have to give them food because kids may not want to eat cold chorizo and olives.
I know the people going, you lot don’t. I know people will talk about this if it goes to shit and then I have to stick up for friend every though I think her idea is shit as well. I have the luxury of a long ass history, you lot don’t. I’m not a horrible person and even though it may not come across I do just want the day to be a success.
Being honest she sounds like an absolute pain in the arse. I know sometimes we make allowances for our long time friends but somewhere along the line you have to think a bit selfishly and think am I actually getting owt from this?
The whole hen party sounds like a fucking nightmare I know men are different but when one of my closest mates got married I couldn’t make his stag do due to having young kids so knocked off work early one weekday and went to pub just me and him and he was ower the moon with that everything I’d give and take in life
Her wedding and Hen parties cost me a couple of grand that’s including the 4 nights in Marbella. The two UK hens me and our other friend had to buy all the little bits and bobs. For BOTH events. The willy straws, the sashes for everyone, the games, the props, all the little things that people don’t think of. Although the bridesmaid dress was paid for by her and the hair and make up we all had to buy the shoes, the Swarovski hair grips, the bras cos we even had to wear certain bras.
I know I sound like I’m moaning a lot and I do love her just don’t like having demands on myself. I understand about money and the thing that’s even more important than money and that’s someones free time. I wouldn’t expect people to go out of their way for me and if they do I try and over compensate for their effort. Like my daughters parties all her life, normally on a Saturday. I know people work, I know people have commitments. If you’re dragging your kid out to bring her to my child’s party here’s the fucking feast, here’s the banging party bags that the kids have always been blown away by, that’s my thank you to the people and that how my kid has alway had parties with around 40 kids in attendance plus all the parents munching and having plates themselves. "
It don’t sound like you moaning a lot your entitled to if your feeling this way I know it’s not always this black and white but may be worth asking self two things “would she go to the same lengths for me as I do for her?” and “if I stopped being of any benefit to her would she still even bother with me?”
I don’t believe in cutting off old friends completely but sometimes a step back helps. Take it from someone who had more than their fair share of shitbag mates who take the piss haha |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She comes across as selfish rather than stubborn.
That said...
Annie, I kinda see three broad futures here... 1) cease your friendship, 2) reset boundaries and stop doing things you don't want to do. (that may lead to 1l. 3) put up and shut up.
If this thread was 100pc everyone saying she's a twat, you are in the right, would that really change anything ? You'd still be going (working) at a baby shower you don't want to, selling out for the privalage, and gasping for tea throughout. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have a friend, love her dearly but she’s so stubborn it actually makes you feel angry inside.
She’s having a baby shower (I don’t particularly agree with these but there we are). Anyway she wants one of those grazing tables that seem to be the fashion now and I’ve seen the shopping list. It’s different meats, cheeses, fruits, breadsticks, olives and that’s about it really.
I’ve said what about sandwiches and pasties or some cupcakes and get a tea urn for people to have cups of tea. No. No. They don’t have that on the pictures. I don’t want that. Don’t want that. It’s like ahh just fucking do what you want. It’s only gonna be 4pm on a Sunday where most people have had their lunch and by teatime will want something to fill them up a but it’s just a losing battle.
It’s like the wedding again where she wanted all us bridesmaids in the same dress, same length, same hair, same makeup even though we were all completely different heights, hair colours, body shapes and skin colours. We all looked stupid cos nothing suited us but what can you do.
I’d hate to think I was that stubborn that I wouldn’t accept other peoples ideas to make something better than your original vision and to think of things you possibly hadn’t thought of. "
its her baby shower and it was her wedding so its HER choice |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a STRICT no weddings, no funerals, no christenings, no hospital or prison visits or baby shower policy.
It gets me out of a lot of awkward social engagements. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have a STRICT no weddings, no funerals, no christenings, no hospital or prison visits or baby shower policy.
It gets me out of a lot of awkward social engagements. "
That’s what I’d want. I don’t mind going as a guest where I could just turn up and then leave. It’s the expectation that I have to help (which includes my own money) and then if I say no it’s the guilted into not being a good friend. If my friend said they didn’t have money to do something or was too busy I’d be like yeah I understand no worries. I wouldn’t be like oh, so you’re not gonna help at all then, that’s fine. (When it’s clearly not fine)
With this it’s like my involvement is wanted with regards to organising the activities and games and buying all the stuff to do them but I’m not allowed to then offer a suggestion that maybe teas and cakes and sandwiches should be offered as well as the other other stuff. It’s like leave me out of it then. Let me just be a guest who turns up, unaware of the plans and processes involved. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yeah the advice is let her do her own thing which is what I’m doing.
Don’t question my friendship. If she said she killed someone’s I’d be the first one there with a rug to roll them in.
You’re not “letting her do her own thing” - she’s doing it anyway because like so many have said, it’s her day not yours. If you knew how self absorbed you sounded… well actually, maybe you’d still post because you’re clearly under the impression most situations are about or should be dictated around you.
There is no question about it, it’s clear you are a terrible friend with no loyalties or respect, coming on to a swinging forum to call your friend out to strangers who don’t know her. You have a problem with it, take it up with her, not people you don’t know on the internet hoping they will agree with you and cuss her out. Actions speak louder than words, babygirl. "
Only just noticed this. In the words of Ygritte, you know nothing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have a STRICT no weddings, no funerals, no christenings, no hospital or prison visits or baby shower policy.
It gets me out of a lot of awkward social engagements.
That’s what I’d want. I don’t mind going as a guest where I could just turn up and then leave. It’s the expectation that I have to help (which includes my own money) and then if I say no it’s the guilted into not being a good friend. If my friend said they didn’t have money to do something or was too busy I’d be like yeah I understand no worries. I wouldn’t be like oh, so you’re not gonna help at all then, that’s fine. (When it’s clearly not fine)
With this it’s like my involvement is wanted with regards to organising the activities and games and buying all the stuff to do them but I’m not allowed to then offer a suggestion that maybe teas and cakes and sandwiches should be offered as well as the other other stuff. It’s like leave me out of it then. Let me just be a guest who turns up, unaware of the plans and processes involved. "
Being a guest is wayyyyy to much of a commitment for me. I always get lumbered tidying up and stacking the chairs. It's now a no to everything. I even mention the policy now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You’ll say No, to the next one, won’t you?!
I kinda feel you on this one - it reminds me of the Sex and the City episode where, Carrie’s at yet another friends, kids birthday, or christening, or bar mitzvah…. Where it’s a given that she’ll have to buy a gift…. And she has her designer shoes stolen….. you could have an Annie shower and do it all your way!! What’s going on your wish list?!
Ask your friend to pay for it
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