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Respecting a friendship

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By *litterbabe OP Woman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

I have friends who are a swinging couple but don't use Fab at all. I'm very close to the lady.

Recently she told me that her and her partner wanted to come to a club I was attending and that she would see me there.

She messaged on the day said she was looking forward to seeing me.

They didn't show up, and she didn't message me to tell me she wasn't coming.

That in itself, wasn't an issue as I was going anyway, but I was just a little bit worried about her.

I messaged in the morning and just said I had missed her and hoped everything was alright.

She read the message but didn't reply. I became very worried, I waited 12 hours and then messaged again and said "sorry for messaging again, I was just worried about you as I wanted to make sure you're ok."

I can this message was read but not replied too.

There has been other times where she has said she is going somewhere and then doesn't go, but normally would reply to my message checking that she was ok.

So do I-

Stop worrying and just assume she will get back to me when she wants to.

Invest less into the friendship because I feel, although she would be extremely worried if I didn't show up somewhere, she clearly has decided not to reply yet (and I do feel it's likely she is absolutely fine just maybe feels embarrassed about not showing up).

Or do something else that I haven't even thought of?

Please note I'm not at a "clingy" friend, and we do behave differently.

If the roles were reversed she would be very worried about me (but I do communicate very quickly and also always show up where I say I'm going).

I would feel it disrespectful to not let someone know I was ok if I didn't show up where I was expected and they had checked on me.

Advice welcome.

Thank you

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

Sometimes I think we have to accept a friend as they are or choose not to be their friend or as you say, invest less in the friendship.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When did you last see her in person on her own? I'd be concerned that something happened with her husband and she feels bad about it. I hope I'm wrong. Be there for her. Hope she replies soon.

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By *litterbabe OP Woman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

"When did you last see her in person on her own? I'd be concerned that something happened with her husband and she feels bad about it. I hope I'm wrong. Be there for her. Hope she replies soon. "

I saw her this week, they were together but I had time to chat just with her.

Whether something happened with him or not, (and I have no reason to feel it did, but of course anything is possible), I still wouldn't know why she wouldn't reply just to say "I'm fine, sorry I couldn't make it and see you soon".

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By *entleman JayMan over a year ago

Wakefield

I’d either accept she has a different pace of communication, or stop being her friend as it would wind me up.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Maybe she is under the weather with the horrible cold that is doing the rounds

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By *ecretlivesCouple over a year ago

FABWatch HQ

Can't predict what you yourself cannot see about the situation. Lots of questions with no info. Can say that as this behaviour affects you, you may need to change your approach to your friendship. In essence friends reciprocate and understand that going silent can upset people. If it turns out she had no issue and didnt consider it she is not a friend. Just someone who has a common lifestyle interest

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sometimes people don't want to tell friends if they're not in an ok mental place. I usually don't because I never want to be seen as the one anyone dreads messaging for fear of being told a load of depressing shit. When people message me I usually take time to reply when I can, but sometimes say nothing as I don't want to lie if things aren't ok.

Maybe leave it a little while and send something that lets them know you're thinking of them in a good way, and don't mention the previous no replies (maybe you can in person, but lack of tone in text can come across bitchy if not worded very very carefully). Hope that makes some sort of sense, and that you're friendship isn't over. Good friends are few and far between x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Can be a hard one if your worried about her and you stay close I would maybe randomly pop in say you were in the area and thought you stop in

Bar that I would probably leave the messages for a couple off weeks then shot her a hope all ok message if thay get read and none reply to

I would probably just leave it there and if they want to contact you again then leave that door open but at the same time keep them at arms length for being a bit flaky

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By *ophieslutTV/TS over a year ago

Central

She won't know anything except for what she remembers about her notice to you that she would see you there.

Unless she was known to be in a risky situation, her absence should be viewed similarly to you both failing to encounter each other at any type of social venuez such as a coffee shop.

Give her the space she is keeping for herself. Discuss anything you want to, when meeting, if appropriate

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By *lydeXXXMan over a year ago

Doncaster

Maybe after more thought she wants your friendship to remain outside of swinging. That's not to say there was anything expected to happen between any of you but could she have thought it might compromise the friendship in some way and doesn't know how to express it without it sounding like she's assuming you had an expectancy?

When I was part of a swinging couple we accidentally realised we had friends (a couple) on the site we were using when we were camming. After the initial banter next time we saw them it was agreed that our friendship and swinging lives should never cross as our friendship was built on so many things but none of them involved our swinging life.

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By *litterbabe OP Woman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

"Maybe after more thought she wants your friendship to remain outside of swinging. That's not to say there was anything expected to happen between any of you but could she have thought it might compromise the friendship in some way and doesn't know how to express it without it sounding like she's assuming you had an expectancy?

I don't feel that is the case as we've known each other for a few years and when we see each other it is almost always at a lifestyle Club. We have got to know each other through attending venues together.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Well the first thing I’d like to say is that you sound like a brilliant friend for caring and worrying about her and for taking the time to check up on her.

People have things going on in their lives that they are struggling with and don’t want to talk about them so it’s easier just to hide away and shut themselves off from the world, it sounds like that’s what could be wrong with your friend. It doesn’t sound like anything has happened to stop her wanting to talk to you specifically as she was messaging you about meeting at the club so I’d say it’s something that is stopping her wanting to talk to anyone. If that is the case then I think you should carry on messaging her just to let her know that you’re there for her and thinking about her, I’m sure she appreciates the messages you’ve already sent her even if she hasn’t replied.

Obviously I could be wrong though as I don’t know anything about your friend, is she the sort of person to shut herself off when she’s struggling with something? Is she the sort of person who lets things get on top of her or does she take everything in her stride?

Personally I never turn my back on anyone when they start acting a bit distant and vague as there’s normally a reason why, even though it seems like they’re being a lousy friend and don’t want to spend time with you that’s rarely the real reason why.

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By *litterbabe OP Woman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

"Can be a hard one if your worried about her and you stay close I would maybe randomly pop in say you were in the area and thought you stop in

Bar that I would probably leave the messages for a couple off weeks then shot her a hope all ok message if thay get read and none reply to

I would probably just leave it there and if they want to contact you again then leave that door open but at the same time keep them at arms length for being a bit flaky"

Our friendship is mostly lifestyle based so we don't visit each other's homes or know each other's family (apart from me knowing her partner). It is mostly messaging and going to or meeting at venues together although we have met outside of clubs a few times also.

I feel I will have to to distance myself a little more in the future though.

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By *litterbabe OP Woman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

"Well the first thing I’d like to say is that you sound like a brilliant friend for caring and worrying about her and for taking the time to check up on her.

In the past there are times when she has confided in me.

I haven't asked her for an explanation of why she didn't attend, I've only asked her to let me know that she is safe.

I feel that she will reply (most likely with an excuse) in due course and I also feel it's most likely she is safe as she's read my messages.

I feel that I will continue to be her friend but I may not be able to offer the same level of priority to our friendship, as although people's needs are different within any friendship, there needs to be an understanding of what a friend needs, and she knows I'm worried about her.

(I don't need her to be completely reliable and always show up where she said she is going, (although I feel she does need that from me).

I just need her to let me know that she's ok, if she doesn'f show up, and she would also need that from me.

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By *hrista BellendWoman over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

"Well the first thing I’d like to say is that you sound like a brilliant friend for caring and worrying about her and for taking the time to check up on her.

In the past there are times when she has confided in me.

I haven't asked her for an explanation of why she didn't attend, I've only asked her to let me know that she is safe.

I feel that she will reply (most likely with an excuse) in due course and I also feel it's most likely she is safe as she's read my messages.

(I don't need her to be completely reliable and always show up where she said she is going, (although I feel she does need that from me).

I just need her to let me know that she's ok, if she doesn'f show up, and she would also need that from me.

You have come to wise decisions, you may have to forgo the need for her to let you know she is OK though, what people want from a friend is also not necessarily what they are willing to give, people are fickle x

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By *rHotNottsMan over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

The read and not replied the direct question “are you ok” , twice from a friend is strange. My gut instinct is she wants to tell you something but is struggling. Plan a coffee or something 1-2-1 , whatever it is is best face to face

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I have friends who are a swinging couple but don't use Fab at all. I'm very close to the lady.

Recently she told me that her and her partner wanted to come to a club I was attending and that she would see me there.

She messaged on the day said she was looking forward to seeing me.

They didn't show up, and she didn't message me to tell me she wasn't coming.

That in itself, wasn't an issue as I was going anyway, but I was just a little bit worried about her.

I messaged in the morning and just said I had missed her and hoped everything was alright.

I can this message was read but not replied too.

There has been other times where she has said she is going somewhere and then doesn't go, but normally would reply to my message checking that she was ok.

So do I-

Stop worrying and just assume she will get back to me when she wants to.

Or do something else that I haven't even thought of?

Please note I'm not at a "clingy" friend, and we do behave differently.

If the roles were reversed she would be very worried about me (but I do communicate very quickly and also always show up where I say I'm going).

I would feel it disrespectful to not let someone know I was ok if I didn't show up where I was expected and they had checked on me.

Advice welcome.

Thank you"

Bet they've had an argument about the swinging night.

I'd wait until she contacts you x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Once she contacts you.

I would then talk about your friendship.

All the best Glitter x

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By *issmorganWoman over a year ago

Calderdale innit

I'd leave her to it op and let her come to you,then discuss your concerns.

There may be reasons of course, but it takes less than 2 mins to send someone a reply and ease their worries.

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By *heArrowsCouple over a year ago

I recently had a painful disappointment based on not being able to go to a club and I couldnt deal with the swing topic for a week. I still can't talk about it. Maybe your friend is dealing with disappointment

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By *litterbabe OP Woman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

Thank you everybody, she messaged this morning, and said that after a heavy night she had fell asleep and was sorry she didn't make it to the venue (I still feel she could have replied to my message saying I'm ok, I got too tired)

It's fine, all I wanted to know is that she is ok and I know that now.

I'm not going to worry about her in the future,if she doesn't show up somewhere I won't message to check on her, I will just accept it is her way to sometimes not show and not message regarding it.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I was going to say GO ROUND AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR but I see she's replied now.

The fact she couldn't even text 'ok' is concerning.

Either she didn't know what to say or deliberately didn't reply or was trying to but was worried or was just plain NOT giving a shit.

Is she a true warts n all friend or just someone you call a friend ?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I've re-read the opening post and to be fair to her .....

We'd like to try that club ......

and Looking forward to seeing you there.....

are not exactly SOLID arrangments.

But her not replying with , ' Oh we decided to do something else.... ' still isn't explained...

Don't ask again , Let her do the running xx

I don't think she's done anything too bad but just see to yourself maybe

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Its hard but sometimes you have to let the other person do the running.

If there is a friendship it works both ways and can't be all one sided

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By *litterbabe OP Woman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

"I was going to say GO ROUND AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR but I see she's replied now.

The fact she couldn't even text 'ok' is concerning.

Either she didn't know what to say or deliberately didn't reply or was trying to but was worried or was just plain NOT giving a shit.

Is she a true warts n all friend or just someone you call a friend ? "

I would say a true friend, she would be very hurt if I was to say anything different to that.

I have explained to her that I'm just glad I know she's ok, and in the future I will accept that sometimes she isn't going to show up and I'm not going to message then to check on her.

I will presume she's ok unless she let's me know differently.

I will still be there for her and be a friend to her, I will adjust slightly my priorities in relation to her and how I react if she doesn't show up.

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By *litterbabe OP Woman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

I know it's a very difficult one knowing where to to put any boundaries, but I would feel going round and knocking on her door would be have been a step too far.

She lives with family who haven't met me, and and if she hasn't replied to two messages I feel I would be by stepping over a line showing up at her house.

Anyway, that is no issue now as I know that she is ok.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Fair do's .....

If I never let someone know I was okay I'd hope they'd come and scr ape me up off the floor before I liquidised but then I don't live with family xx

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By *litterbabe OP Woman over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

Thank you to everybody who commented, it gave me a chance to see other angles and also so get perspective.

It has been really helpful.

Thank you.

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Ruislip

I think you have done your bit. We don't know the reason you haven't heard back. It may be nothing to worry about at all. I would say just give her the space to get back to you when she's ready.

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