FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > "Not looking for anything serious"
"Not looking for anything serious"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What is it with men whipping this line out pretty much as soon as we've said hello to each other?! Why is there an assumption there that I'm going to get clingy or want something more, when I haven't at any point mentioned wanting more?
It's not the fact that they don't want anything more that annoys me, because I literally am just looking for a shag (ideally a fwb). But PSA to all guys out there: you don't need to keep instantly reminding me that I'll just about do for a quick shag but I'm not good enough to date, thanks  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Maybe they don't *want* to date, rather whether you're "good enough". They're just putting it out there at the beginning so neither party gets any funny ideas 
LvM"
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
I actually prefer those messages to the ones deliberating falsely suggesting they are looking for a friends with benefits or longer term relationship.
It all starts with the message and then then first meeting. You don't know if it's going any further until it starts to go further.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I actually prefer those messages to the ones deliberating falsely suggesting they are looking for a friends with benefits or longer term relationship.
It all starts with the message and then then first meeting. You don't know if it's going any further until it starts to go further.
"
Maybe we are having different kinds of interactions. I've never been approached by someone claiming they're looking for a relationship. I just feel like a lot of the time it's said with a certain assumption in mind, and people feel like they have to set my expectations. I might be in the minority judging by the replies so far, but I do find it slightly hurtful. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You ladies do say you want honesty and being open.. would you rather have heard it six weeks down the line."
But who's to say I'd be bugging them up 6 weeks down the line? At least ask me what I'm looking for and create a conversation about it, don't just try and keep me at arms length as soon as I've shown interest. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think they think that once we’ve slept with them we’ll want to marry them? 
"
I genuinely think that there's lots of men who are under the impression women can't separate sex from emotions. I once JOKINGLY (and a very obvious joke at that) said to a guy that he might fall in love with me if we slept together and he proceeded to have the mother of all freakouts, telling me how and why that would never happen and that, as above, women can't separate sex from emotions  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My best friend had a guy say to her ‘you’re not going to go all clingy on me, are you?’ after shagging. What a dick. So she promptly ended it, only for him to pursue the life out of her for ages afterwards. The irony! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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'cause you live near LHR.. They assume they can't match the memories of seeing Concorde every day and are frightened of falling short.lol..
Joking aside, I think some people would rather let someone know from the get-go that it's not something serious or FWB rather than them feeling like they were leading them on.. But you never know what will happen after you've met! That elusive FWB might happen or you might end up with a total partner in crime  |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I actually prefer those messages to the ones deliberating falsely suggesting they are looking for a friends with benefits or longer term relationship.
It all starts with the message and then then first meeting. You don't know if it's going any further until it starts to go further.
Maybe we are having different kinds of interactions. I've never been approached by someone claiming they're looking for a relationship. I just feel like a lot of the time it's said with a certain assumption in mind, and people feel like they have to set my expectations. I might be in the minority judging by the replies so far, but I do find it slightly hurtful. "
I don't get many interactions. If they read my current profile text it's clear I would like to find someone. I do understand your feeling of their assumptions about your expectations before even starting a proper conversation. I think that's 90% of the interactions, in various ways.
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"I admire honesty, it's always good to know what people want from the start to save awkwardness in the future "
It's a fine line though between admirable candour and "you're nothing special, this is just a pump and dump scenario". I can see why rolling out the "nothing serious line" straight away doesn't exactly make a girl feel special. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I admire honesty, it's always good to know what people want from the start to save awkwardness in the future
It's a fine line though between admirable candour and "you're nothing special, this is just a pump and dump scenario". I can see why rolling out the "nothing serious line" straight away doesn't exactly make a girl feel special. "
Exactly this |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a good chunk written about this in my book but with regards to real world dating for people who ultimately want a relationship but think it applies here.
To sum in the mosh basic form they say it cos it’s their get out of jail free card.
If a guy says to you right at the start of any interaction it’s just cos he’s got one foot out the door already.
Doesn’t matter then if you sleep together multiple times or if you do non sex things together. If you start getting any kind of feelings or emotions that’s on you and they can say well I did tell you in the beginning I didn’t want anything serious. |
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I think that there are a lot of women out there who do end up expecting more so they are just making it clear what they are looking for. At least that is what I have heard for the single guys that I know. One of the reasons they often like playing with couples is because they know that nothing more is expected. If everyone is honest about what they are looking for, I can only see that as a good thing.
Kx |
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"I admire honesty, it's always good to know what people want from the start to save awkwardness in the future
It's a fine line though between admirable candour and "you're nothing special, this is just a pump and dump scenario". I can see why rolling out the "nothing serious line" straight away doesn't exactly make a girl feel special. "
I've never taken someone saying they don't want anything serious as putting me down as not being a keeper, it's literally them saying what they want and being honest.
I guess it all depends on how you take what is being said by someone and things can come across different in text than if talking on phone or in person |
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"I think they think that once we’ve slept with them we’ll want to marry them?
"
This has happened to me 4 years ago, he was like "we will never have the type of relationship you want". Plot twist, we're getting married next year 
K
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"I think they think that once we’ve slept with them we’ll want to marry them?
This has happened to me 4 years ago, he was like "we will never have the type of relationship you want". Plot twist, we're getting married next year
K
"
You fed him well didn't you? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If a guy said to me at the very start of communication that he didn’t want anything serious I’d say I’m not looking for low vibrational casual sex so count me out.
It’s why I’m not meeting from here and clearly state I’m not looking to meet or even chat with anyone here. They can all fuck off as far as I’m concerned. |
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"I think they think that once we’ve slept with them we’ll want to marry them?
This has happened to me 4 years ago, he was like "we will never have the type of relationship you want". Plot twist, we're getting married next year
K"
Shhhhhhhhh
LvM |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don’t mind it at least I know whare I stand and know exactly what’s what
Would rather be told that that bammed up about this that and the next thing and get humped and dumped
Ps your definitely good anuff to date your absolute stunning |
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"I admire honesty, it's always good to know what people want from the start to save awkwardness in the future
It's a fine line though between admirable candour and "you're nothing special, this is just a pump and dump scenario". I can see why rolling out the "nothing serious line" straight away doesn't exactly make a girl feel special.
I've never taken someone saying they don't want anything serious as putting me down as not being a keeper, it's literally them saying what they want and being honest.
I guess it all depends on how you take what is being said by someone and things can come across different in text than if talking on phone or in person "
It is partly the medium but context too - I can see it becoming a bit tiresome if it's routine. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I think they think that once we’ve slept with them we’ll want to marry them?
This has happened to me 4 years ago, he was like "we will never have the type of relationship you want". Plot twist, we're getting married next year
K
"
That's what I mean: it starts somewhere and you don't know where it will end up until it ends up there.
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"I think they think that once we’ve slept with them we’ll want to marry them?
This has happened to me 4 years ago, he was like "we will never have the type of relationship you want". Plot twist, we're getting married next year
K
Shhhhhhhhh
LvM"
Ohhhhhh it's all coming out now! |
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"I admire honesty, it's always good to know what people want from the start to save awkwardness in the future
It's a fine line though between admirable candour and "you're nothing special, this is just a pump and dump scenario". I can see why rolling out the "nothing serious line" straight away doesn't exactly make a girl feel special.
I've never taken someone saying they don't want anything serious as putting me down as not being a keeper, it's literally them saying what they want and being honest.
I guess it all depends on how you take what is being said by someone and things can come across different in text than if talking on phone or in person
It is partly the medium but context too - I can see it becoming a bit tiresome if it's routine."
This is true, I'd rather know exactly where I stand than find out further down the line though but that's just me and everyone is different.
I wouldn't want to be seeing someone for a bit and then find out it's just sex without being told that at the start as I think that would be worse |
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As it’s a swinging site , I see it as a given that it will be “NSA” , many profiles states as such and I think they’re only just re affirming their position.
I don’t think it’s for the reasons you’re suspecting OP, probably part of their patter so there’s no misunderstanding from the start.
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By *urio77Man
over a year ago
northampton |
It’s just as annoying for us average hung men when we read ‘only interested in hung guys’. Can’t do anything about what the creator has given me. At least you’ve got a chance to change the mind of whoever you meet. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In all honesty I’ll do something similar quite early on when I’m talking to someone, and all I’m doing is setting out where I stand, not a reflection on that person at all but being upfront and honest. I’d rather that from someone at least I know where I stand. In the same way I often ask what they are after if they are looking ideally for something more then I know what’s what.
Don’t taken as a reflection of you just they are being upfront and clear from the get go. Perhaps it’ll change but at least there’s no expectations. |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
I think some are just being upfront in that at that moment they can’t see themselves wanting anything more.
Past hurts and stuff can lead to emotional stand offishness and whilst sometimes it is just them being blunt, sometimes it is just as simple as them putting up barriers.
Sometimes you inadvertently break them down and things progress, or they bring out the barbed wire, pepper spray and the big BACK OFF signage.
Sometimes it’s really not about us, it’s about them.
And yes, sometimes they are just in fact bounders. But I reckon a lot of it is past hurts.
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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago
London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact |
"If a guy said to me at the very start of communication that he didn’t want anything serious I’d say I’m not looking for low vibrational casual sex so count me out.
It’s why I’m not meeting from here and clearly state I’m not looking to meet or even chat with anyone here. They can all fuck off as far as I’m concerned. "
Can I be a footnote in your book? |
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I also don't get why they feel the need to do that. I usually have zero interest in dating them myself  . But obviously they're such a catch that women are just completely incapable of not falling in love with them . |
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By *inx.x3Woman
over a year ago
Bath |
I normally get asked ‘what I’m looking for’..
But on the odd occasion a bloke says he doesn’t want anything serious I normally just reply back with a laughing Gif and a message saying ‘and who says I am’
I never take it personally, I wouldn’t date anyone from fab in a serious manner anyway |
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"I also don't get why they feel the need to do that. I usually have zero interest in dating them myself . But obviously they're such a catch that women are just completely incapable of not falling in love with them . "
LvM |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
Tbh I prefer honesty like that so you can make the decision as to whether you want to take things further or not......
I was a not looking for anything and so was someone else and that kinda changed |
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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago
yumsville |
Reading through these give a weird set of answers. If you're up front and honest and you're using someone, tell someone you're looking for connection then you're spinning lines, tell someone you're after ltr and they run a mile as they only want nsa.
Why not read a profile pre meet and see if says ltr, it'll be obvious what someone is after or stop asking awkward questions and if you get along take it from there and see what happens. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Reading through these give a weird set of answers. If you're up front and honest and you're using someone, tell someone you're looking for connection then you're spinning lines, tell someone you're after ltr and they run a mile as they only want nsa.
Why not read a profile pre meet and see if says ltr, it'll be obvious what someone is after or stop asking awkward questions and if you get along take it from there and see what happens. "
If you tell someone you want a relationship and they run a mile cos they only want NSA then you’re not compatible anyway so doesn’t matter. Communicate want you want and it will either be what the other person wants too or it won’t. |
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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago
yumsville |
"Reading through these give a weird set of answers. If you're up front and honest and you're using someone, tell someone you're looking for connection then you're spinning lines, tell someone you're after ltr and they run a mile as they only want nsa.
Why not read a profile pre meet and see if says ltr, it'll be obvious what someone is after or stop asking awkward questions and if you get along take it from there and see what happens.
If you tell someone you want a relationship and they run a mile cos they only want NSA then you’re not compatible anyway so doesn’t matter. Communicate want you want and it will either be what the other person wants too or it won’t. "
You don't put that cart before the horse and communicate what you want - you communicate in general. You see if you get along with the aim of shagging. If you get along there's a chance you'll set up a meet, it's not that difficult. It's jumping the gun a bit to think 'ok we've chatting, had sex, we're gonna start going out'. It's not the 1950's. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
I don't mind it if they say it upfront. It's simple, they might have had negative experiences before, it's open and honest communication.
What I dislike, and switches me off, is it repeated. I rarely like people in more than a friendly way. It suggests an arrogance/assumption/aspect of hard work that's offputting, especially when we've only exchanged a few messages. |
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By *os19Man
over a year ago
Edmonton |
"What is it with men whipping this line out pretty much as soon as we've said hello to each other?! Why is there an assumption there that I'm going to get clingy or want something more, when I haven't at any point mentioned wanting more?
It's not the fact that they don't want anything more that annoys me, because I literally am just looking for a shag (ideally a fwb). But PSA to all guys out there: you don't need to keep instantly reminding me that I'll just about do for a quick shag but I'm not good enough to date, thanks "
. When I am asked what I am looking for I say to date with no expectations after that whatever happens is between two consenting adults.Also who says you are not good enough to date you are still young so it’s just a case of finding the right person. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think that there are a lot of women out there who do end up expecting more so they are just making it clear what they are looking for. At least that is what I have heard for the single guys that I know. One of the reasons they often like playing with couples is because they know that nothing more is expected. If everyone is honest about what they are looking for, I can only see that as a good thing.
Kx "
This I've heard it from single guys too.
As they say - The demanding, pressuring females! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I prefer guys to be honest, as rare as that is! Plus i'd be running in the other direction if they said they wanted more than just sex."
Same with talking to anyone from this website, I make things very clear. It’s Not a dating site. I am Not looking for a new wife. Etc I think it’s good if people are upfront.
 |
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"I don't mind it if they say it upfront. It's simple, they might have had negative experiences before, it's open and honest communication.
What I dislike, and switches me off, is it repeated. I rarely like people in more than a friendly way. It suggests an arrogance/assumption/aspect of hard work that's offputting, especially when we've only exchanged a few messages. "
I also once had a guy who absolutely refused to meet me socially for a drink or something first because "he doesn't do dates". It's not a date . If he only wants to do meets where they get straight to it thrn fine but please don't suggest I have romantic intentions because I personally prefer to get to know someone a little in a public place first. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't mind it if they say it upfront. It's simple, they might have had negative experiences before, it's open and honest communication.
What I dislike, and switches me off, is it repeated. I rarely like people in more than a friendly way. It suggests an arrogance/assumption/aspect of hard work that's offputting, especially when we've only exchanged a few messages.
I also once had a guy who absolutely refused to meet me socially for a drink or something first because "he doesn't do dates". It's not a date . If he only wants to do meets where they get straight to it thrn fine but please don't suggest I have romantic intentions because I personally prefer to get to know someone a little in a public place first. "
A social is not a date!!!! What that says is, ‘I can’t have normal conversations.’ |
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"I actually prefer those messages to the ones deliberating falsely suggesting they are looking for a friends with benefits or longer term relationship.
It all starts with the message and then then first meeting. You don't know if it's going any further until it starts to go further.
Maybe we are having different kinds of interactions. I've never been approached by someone claiming they're looking for a relationship. I just feel like a lot of the time it's said with a certain assumption in mind, and people feel like they have to set my expectations. I might be in the minority judging by the replies so far, but I do find it slightly hurtful. "
Hi op. I get that fairly often but not ‘a lot’. However - I’m 53 and I’ve had my kids/long term relationships already - and people contacting me will know that my expectation will never be marriage and babies as I’m simply too old.
You - my lovely lady - are at the other end of the scale and at the age that many ladies and men settle down. Many of these chaps will be fresh from ltr’s in the real world and - if they’re the ‘good ones’ - many women might have wanted ltr’s with them.
I’d say they’re just stating their intention because they don’t want any hurt or confusion and I wouldn’t see it as a negative.
I don’t get as many messages like that because a 30-35 year old guy is going to know that I don’t want to have his babies or meet his mum.
I honestly wouldn’t see it as an insult. Xx |
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"I don't mind it if they say it upfront. It's simple, they might have had negative experiences before, it's open and honest communication.
What I dislike, and switches me off, is it repeated. I rarely like people in more than a friendly way. It suggests an arrogance/assumption/aspect of hard work that's offputting, especially when we've only exchanged a few messages.
I also once had a guy who absolutely refused to meet me socially for a drink or something first because "he doesn't do dates". It's not a date . If he only wants to do meets where they get straight to it thrn fine but please don't suggest I have romantic intentions because I personally prefer to get to know someone a little in a public place first. "
I’ve had that on occasion too. Some guys (and ladies too I assume ) just want instashag. I just see it as confirmation that we’re not on the same page and move on. No harm done. |
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Our reaction is what someone communicates is about us and not them. If I had issues with what I foresaw they may say, I'd probably present them with it, in advance of them possibly saying it, so it's under my control.
You could potentially use more or less the same words, such as
'I'm just wanting no strings attached or commitments, is that just what you're looking for too?', etc.
Create your own firebreak |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What is it with men whipping this line out pretty much as soon as we've said hello to each other?! Why is there an assumption there that I'm going to get clingy or want something more, when I haven't at any point mentioned wanting more?
It's not the fact that they don't want anything more that annoys me, because I literally am just looking for a shag (ideally a fwb). But PSA to all guys out there: you don't need to keep instantly reminding me that I'll just about do for a quick shag but I'm not good enough to date, thanks "
Bugger I was looking for my third wife and you’ve dashed my dreams.
You ladies just looking for a quick shag - us men have feelings you know.
Ps if you are ever near Glasgow and looking for no strings and nothing serious…… |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Reading through these give a weird set of answers. If you're up front and honest and you're using someone, tell someone you're looking for connection then you're spinning lines, tell someone you're after ltr and they run a mile as they only want nsa.
Why not read a profile pre meet and see if says ltr, it'll be obvious what someone is after or stop asking awkward questions and if you get along take it from there and see what happens.
If you tell someone you want a relationship and they run a mile cos they only want NSA then you’re not compatible anyway so doesn’t matter. Communicate want you want and it will either be what the other person wants too or it won’t.
You don't put that cart before the horse and communicate what you want - you communicate in general. You see if you get along with the aim of shagging. If you get along there's a chance you'll set up a meet, it's not that difficult. It's jumping the gun a bit to think 'ok we've chatting, had sex, we're gonna start going out'. It's not the 1950's. "
I personally won’t get to the shagging stage if they’ve said straight away they aren’t looking for anything serious.
I’ve done it too many times and always end up getting hurt. I’m not interested in meeting anyone from here and it’s the wrong side of the year for me to entertain the idea of getting to know a guy in the real world because I’ve got my Xmas head on now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Reading through these give a weird set of answers. If you're up front and honest and you're using someone, tell someone you're looking for connection then you're spinning lines, tell someone you're after ltr and they run a mile as they only want nsa.
Why not read a profile pre meet and see if says ltr, it'll be obvious what someone is after or stop asking awkward questions and if you get along take it from there and see what happens.
If you tell someone you want a relationship and they run a mile cos they only want NSA then you’re not compatible anyway so doesn’t matter. Communicate want you want and it will either be what the other person wants too or it won’t.
You don't put that cart before the horse and communicate what you want - you communicate in general. You see if you get along with the aim of shagging. If you get along there's a chance you'll set up a meet, it's not that difficult. It's jumping the gun a bit to think 'ok we've chatting, had sex, we're gonna start going out'. It's not the 1950's.
I personally won’t get to the shagging stage if they’ve said straight away they aren’t looking for anything serious.
I’ve done it too many times and always end up getting hurt. I’m not interested in meeting anyone from here and it’s the wrong side of the year for me to entertain the idea of getting to know a guy in the real world because I’ve got my Xmas head on now. "
To be fair Annie, I’ve got to agree with you.
Like majority of men/people on here I don’t think would settle down and if I meet them for sex (even if it’s like a whole chilled evening with sex) they will see me as sex material only or friends with benefits.
I mean anything can happen but the chances are, they are just looking for nothing too complicated.
This is not a universal rule but I see your point  |
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"I don't mind it if they say it upfront. It's simple, they might have had negative experiences before, it's open and honest communication.
What I dislike, and switches me off, is it repeated. I rarely like people in more than a friendly way. It suggests an arrogance/assumption/aspect of hard work that's offputting, especially when we've only exchanged a few messages.
I also once had a guy who absolutely refused to meet me socially for a drink or something first because "he doesn't do dates". It's not a date . If he only wants to do meets where they get straight to it thrn fine but please don't suggest I have romantic intentions because I personally prefer to get to know someone a little in a public place first.
I’ve had that on occasion too. Some guys (and ladies too I assume ) just want instashag. I just see it as confirmation that we’re not on the same page and move on. No harm done. "
As I said, if he wants meets where they get straight to it that's fine but don't give me grief for apparently being after him romantically just because I prefer to have a social first. I wasn't looking for other romantic partners. Hell I didn't even know if I wanted to have sex with the guy yet . |
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"I don't mind it if they say it upfront. It's simple, they might have had negative experiences before, it's open and honest communication.
What I dislike, and switches me off, is it repeated. I rarely like people in more than a friendly way. It suggests an arrogance/assumption/aspect of hard work that's offputting, especially when we've only exchanged a few messages.
I also once had a guy who absolutely refused to meet me socially for a drink or something first because "he doesn't do dates". It's not a date . If he only wants to do meets where they get straight to it thrn fine but please don't suggest I have romantic intentions because I personally prefer to get to know someone a little in a public place first.
I’ve had that on occasion too. Some guys (and ladies too I assume ) just want instashag. I just see it as confirmation that we’re not on the same page and move on. No harm done.
As I said, if he wants meets where they get straight to it that's fine but don't give me grief for apparently being after him romantically just because I prefer to have a social first. I wasn't looking for other romantic partners. Hell I didn't even know if I wanted to have sex with the guy yet . "
Oh I get this all the time! So frustrating when I just want to see how I feel with them in person |
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