FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Joke of the day!
Joke of the day!
Jump to: Newest in thread
  | |||
| |||
"One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!' Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points'. So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following: 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Tesco ...... every little helps " good job I hadnt taken a mouthful of tea ................ love it  | |||
| |||
| |||
"One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!' Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points'. So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following: 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Tesco ...... every little helps " Lol Thanks Caz, love it.  | |||
  | |||
 | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
"Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!" | |||
| |||
"I saw a dyslexic yorkshireman walking down the street yesterday with a cat flap on his head." | |||
| |||
"My secretary couldnt spell norfolk... So I sacked her...;-)" I don't get this | |||
"One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!' Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points'. So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following: 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Tesco ...... every little helps" Just wasted a mouthful of rather good coffee pmsl at that!!!
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
 )
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
"What's the difference between a Lesbian in a porno film and a Lesbian in real life?... About 12 stone." . Sorry about this one but it did make me chuckle | |||
"What's the difference between a Lesbian in a porno film and a Lesbian in real life?... About 12 stone." . Sorry about this one but it did make me chuckle | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
"I pulled a heavy duty munter last night down the boozer. Fuck me she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan...had more hands up her than Sooty...been set on fire & put out with a golf shoe...got a face that could make an onion cry... so big I couldn't ride her into battle...seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician...a face like a stuntmans knee...a fanny like a yawning donkey...so ugly not even a sniper would take her out...been shot over more times than Sarejevo...has a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout...been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun...an arse like a bag of spanners...a belly bigger than Santa Claus... Still, at the end of the day, a shag's a shag!" Lol lol Good old Elmer.... | |||
| |||
 I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call nearer the time.
| |||
" It's great having a dyslexic secretary. She's just given me the best blow job ever. I only sent her an e-mail asking if she could sack my cook! "lol | |||
"so ugly not even a sniper would take her out... " Funniest line I've heard in ages! | |||
| |||
"A boy comes home from school at 7pm, his dad says "your late Where were you?" I was with Mandy" he replies." What were you doing?""We were revising" the boy says. After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely". Dad replies "Wash your hands son, they're fucking donuts."" hahahahahahaha!!!!!!! | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
"My secretary couldnt spell norfolk... So I sacked her...;-) I don't get this "Guess it depends on your accent but read it aloud... "she couldn't spell nor fuck" | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
If your interested I've got some puppies going cheep!
| |||
| |||
" The wife asked how many women have I slept with? I replied, "Only you, all the others kept me awake all night shagging!" " | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
" The wife asked how many women have I slept with? I replied, "Only you, all the others kept me awake all night shagging!" " | |||
 | |||
"When I was a kid, we had swimming lessons at school and one day we had to swim in our pyjamas. How much does it have to rain in the middle of the night before that becomes useful?" | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
 | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
"A young lad walks into a brothel holding a dead frog and asks the Madame, Can I have your most dirty riddled clap infested whore pleas? The Madame asks why on earth would you want that? The young lad explains.... I want to shag her and get clap. Then I'll shag my baby sitter tonight, Then when my dad takes her home he will shag her. Then when he gets back home he will shag my mum. Then then in the morning when dads gone to work my mum will shag the Milk Man.... And that's the bastard who ran over my frog!!! "pmsl...wonder were that was going..lol | |||
| |||
"A guy pulls a lovely young lady and invites her back to his place. Once in the bedroom he confesses he has a kinky fettish he would like to try out. The lady havin had a few drinks agrees to give it a go. Excellent says the man... Can you strip down to your underwear and stand over by the door, so she does as instructed. That's fantastic said the man, Now could you open and shut the door repeatedly? asks the man. So she does as asked. Oooh that's great says the man... Now can you keep turning the light off and on? Asks the man. So she does as asked. The man says, that's brilliant... Now would you piss in this bucket for me as well? The lady thinks well I've come this far so why the hell not, so she once again does as instructed. The man says mmm wow that's perfect please dont stop! After about half an hour the lady is getting quiet bored and says to the man... This is all well and good but wouldn't you like to fuck me? The man replies...... WHAT??? In this weather??? Are you feckin mad!!! " | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
"This ones a bit long but bear with me.... Old Mary is suffering from terrible constipation so she decides to go to the doctors. He gives her a couple of laxatives and asks her to come back in two days. She does as instructed and returns two days later. "well Mary, how did you get on", he asks? "I took your laximathingys like you said doctor but it's still the same", she says. So the doctor goes off for a minute and comes back with the biggest tablet Mary has ever seen. "oh my doctor, I'll never be able to swallow that", she gasps. "oh no Mary, this is a suppository", he says. "a supposeawhat", Mary asks. "a suppository, when you get home put it in your back passage and come back and see me in two days", he tells her. So off she goes and does as the doctor has said and returns again in two days. "so Mary, how did you get on this time", he asks? "still the same doctor", she tells him. "but how can that be", the doctor asks amazed, "that's the strongest thing we have. Did you do exactly what I said"? "well doctor, I live in council sheltered housing so I don't have a back passage. So I put it in my front hall. For all the good it did though I might as well have stuck it up my arse"!!!" | |||
| |||
| |||
"I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind "That made me chuckle. | |||
(Perky) | |||
 | |||
"What's the difference between... A one eyed Archer And a constipated owl? The one eyed archer shoots but can't hit. "must have had too many beers as found that hilarious | |||
"What's the difference between... A one eyed Archer And a constipated owl? The one eyed archer shoots but can't hit.
must have had too many beers as found that hilarious "It took me a minute but I'm chuckling away too | |||
| |||
| |||
