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Tell a Joke
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"Whenever someone says they have a dentist, without fail I have to ask "Is it at 2:30?" "One of my colleagues told me today she had a dentist appointment at 2:30. She didn't get it when me and my friend started laughing. Obviously not a Simpsons fan. | |||
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"Knock knock" Who’s there? ( I just know I’m going to regret this) | |||
"Knock knock Who’s there? ( I just know I’m going to regret this)" Fk knows. Can’t tell a joke to save my life. | |||
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"Bear and a rabbit are having a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit, do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur? Rabbit thinks for a minute and says no! So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit! " HAHAHAHAHAHA! | |||
"Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Biden," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Biden spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'" I'm stealing this! | |||
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"Why does a woman need a man? Because you can’t cut a lawn with a vibrator!" You can with a rabbit. | |||
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"Someone stole my mood ring yesterday. I still don’t know how I feel about that "Can't quite put your finger on it? | |||
"Bear and a rabbit are having a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit, do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur? Rabbit thinks for a minute and says no! So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" I've done a song about that. | |||
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"Whenever someone says they have a dentist, without fail I have to ask "Is it at 2:30?" "I did and she was a Chinese too, fantastic job she did. | |||
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"What do you call James Bond in the bath ? Bubble 0 7 x " | |||
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"Solicitor says to Micky mouse you can’t divorce minnie on the grounds she has buck teeth. Mickey replies I didn’t say she had buck teeth I said she was fucking goofy " Was the solicitor Scottish? As it seems, he Disney understand what you mean. | |||
"Knock knock Who’s there? ( I just know I’m going to regret this)" Clothes | |||
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"Solicitor says to Micky mouse you can’t divorce minnie on the grounds she has buck teeth. Mickey replies I didn’t say she had buck teeth I said she was fucking goofy Was the solicitor Scottish? As it seems, he Disney understand what you mean." lol | |||
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"Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Biden," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Biden spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'" Genius! Thanks | |||
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"Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Biden," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Biden spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?' Genius! Thanks "I’ve been chuckling for 5 mins at this. | |||
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"My mother-in-law started choking and required the Heimlich manoeuvre during dinner last night. Her funeral's next week." to be fair you must have thought she was warming up for a joke. I thought mine was at the time, but there was no joke that followed. apparently I'm not invited to her house anymore | |||
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