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Advice from trans women please

By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

I have a granddaughter who I've recently been told wants to be a boy. I have no problem with this. My daughter appears to be handling it quite well but I'm the only one she's told. Last night my granddaughter adder my youngest daughter on snapshot and identified with a boys name. My youngest asked if that's how she should address her and my granddaughter answered yes. Should I tell my granddaughter's mum that this is happening or what.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There's a great charity called mermaids - mermaids.org.uk - who gives lots of support and advice to families and young trans people. It might be worth a look.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman over a year ago

evesham

I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her. "

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

"There's a great charity called mermaids - mermaids.org.uk - who gives lots of support and advice to families and young trans people. It might be worth a look. "

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman over a year ago

evesham

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister. "

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members.

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members. "

He hasn't told me and I don't know if his mum has told him that I know. I don't want to cause unnecessary friction between the 2 of them. I don't know how many family members he has told. The daughter he has told is a very open minded girl and they get in well regardless of any issues.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman over a year ago

evesham

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members.

I think you're worrying too much about it but I guess you know your family and how they may react. If you are concerned maybe ask the aunt to see if he has told his mum he is letting other people know. Or ask your daughter what they've discussed about letting other people know given that she's told you potentially without his knowledge.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members.

You won't be causing any friction. You've seen something your grandson has written. That's all, you don't need to tell anybody.

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members.

Thanks, my daughter told me in relation to something else because she knows I have professional knowledge about it, I'm joy going to divulge that here though. When told last night about my grandson approaching my youngest my reaction was to say nothing. By I think your right I'm over thinking

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

I've also realised that I should have included (maybe more appropriately) trans men in the title - sorry

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By *illy_the_tvTV/TS over a year ago

hoorn, Netherlands

Honestly, I don't think it would even be a bad thing if you spoke to your grandson. If they know that you know and are accepting off it then it will be a weight off their shoulders that they won't have to be afraid to have the conversation with you

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

"Honestly, I don't think it would even be a bad thing if you spoke to your grandson. If they know that you know and are accepting off it then it will be a weight off their shoulders that they won't have to be afraid to have the conversation with you"

They don't know I know. Wish things were that easy. I don't want to betray my daughter's confidence that would drive a wedge between me and her. My grandson may also feel he can't trust his mum as he may feel that it is his business to tell who he wants and when he wants.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I've also realised that I should have included (maybe more appropriately) trans men in the title - sorry"

I was a bit confused, maybe you meant trans men in the title.

I think I'd wait and see if they speak to each other. Maybe your granddaughter/ grandson's mum already knows that he has told his aunt.

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By *ooo wet tight hornyWoman over a year ago

lancashire

"I have a granddaughter who I've recently been told wants to be a boy. I have no problem with this. My daughter appears to be handling it quite well but I'm the only one she's told. Last night my granddaughter adder my youngest daughter on snapshot and identified with a boys name. My youngest asked if that's how she should address her and my granddaughter answered yes. Should I tell my granddaughter's mum that this is happening or what. "

Have you thought have having a chat with your Granddaughter/grandson about this situation?

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

"I've also realised that I should have included (maybe more appropriately) trans men in the title - sorry

I was a bit confused, maybe you meant trans men in the title.

I think I'd wait and see if they speak to each other. Maybe your granddaughter/ grandson's mum already knows that he has told his aunt.

Transmen would be more appropriate as I later stated. But I don't see many if any on these forums which is why I said trans women initially. I think it's a shared experience tbh

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

Have you thought have having a chat with your Granddaughter/grandson about this situation? "

Yes I have which is why I've asked for advice. It's a bit complicated which I've explained as confidences may be broken.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It’s lovely to hear a grandparent so supportive and thoughtful towards their grandchild’s needs.

I’m guessing your grandson’s mum told you he was coming out as trans?

I think I’d be showing support and interest on a regular basis. It’s going to be a tough ride but one that can’t be avoided.

Your grandchild is indeed your grandson now and this needs to be driven by him, perhaps with a little guidance.

He may well want to just be known by his new name and tell the world.

I’d talk to your daughter and just let her know he’s doing his own coming out so she is aware and in a better place to support him.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members. "

Totally this. Just remember guys, it isn’t about you, it’s about ur grandson, he’s the main character in his movie and the rest are just extras. Don’t make it about you or about others (like the concern of what others can think of you for example if u are particularly closely related to ur grandson), make it about him! It should be about him in this difficult but yet very liberating journey… it’s about what makes him comfortable x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It’s lovely to hear a grandparent so supportive and thoughtful towards their grandchild’s needs.

I’m guessing your grandson’s mum told you he was coming out as trans?

I think I’d be showing support and interest on a regular basis. It’s going to be a tough ride but one that can’t be avoided.

Your grandchild is indeed your grandson now and this needs to be driven by him, perhaps with a little guidance.

He may well want to just be known by his new name and tell the world.

I’d talk to your daughter and just let her know he’s doing his own coming out so she is aware and in a better place to support him. "

I Agree with everything Rach says x

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members.

This is why I don't want to interfere. He hasn't come out to me his mum told me. As far as I can tell she's supporting him very well. However, if I tell her I feel I'm dropping both my grandson and my youngest daughter in it. I feel it's my grandson's place to tell his mum and for all I know he might have done already. There is a bit more to this than I want to say as his mum told me in connection to another issue which isn't for debate on a forum here. She has mentioned this to me about my grandson wanting to be a boy a few years ago but now he's become more vocal about it.

As Rachel said this needs to be driven by my grandson

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members.

I'm not at all concerned about what others think of me. But I am concerned about his future as its not going to be easy. He's 12 and life isnt easy for anyone at that age

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members.

As Rachel said this needs to be driven by my grandson"

Obviously there’s a lot more to this than we know. Family issues or whatever.

If it were me, I’d be spending more time with my daughter. Giving her the confidence to talk to you about it more. Transition affects everyone the person transitioning knows and it’s not easy for any of you.

Keeping in mind your grandsons needs, just open the door to more support.

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members.

As Rachel said this needs to be driven by my grandson

Obviously there’s a lot more to this than we know. Family issues or whatever.

Keeping in mind your grandsons needs, just open the door to more support. "

Me and my daughter are both nurses and we have experienced quite a few things even though we practice in different fields. I'm confident that my daughter will approach all this in the right way and seek advice when she feels unsure or anxious. She knows im there for her and knows there will be no judgement. My grandson will tell me when he's ready to and I don't want to push him to tell me that would be wrong.

I posted this because I wanted to hear the views of those either fully transitioned or going through the process at whatever stage. Thanks Rachel and Cat for your input it is very appreciated

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members.

As Rachel said this needs to be driven by my grandson

Obviously there’s a lot more to this than we know. Family issues or whatever.

Keeping in mind your grandsons needs, just open the door to more support.

I posted this because I wanted to hear the views of those either fully transitioned or going through the process at whatever stage. Thanks Rachel and Cat for your input it is very appreciated"

You’re welcome. If you want to chat more privately, you’re welcome to message me. I know quite a lot about the journey of trans men. X

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

"I was going to dsy3 flat out no but u guess it depends on why you want to tell her.

I'm quite conflicted I don't want upset my granddaughter or maybe I should say grandson

I don't want my daughter the mother kept in the dark as she's been handling the situation well so far

I don't want my youngest daughter dragged into an argument of why didn't you tell me etc and nor do I

We have a large family I have 9 kids. So I don't want all of them finding out from anyone but their sister.

Excellent point about using the correct term. You grandson should be the primary concern here. If he is happy telling his aunt then thst is what matters.

Perhaps speak to him and ask if they've spoken to their mum about letting people know. He clearly feels comfortable telling other family members.

As Rachel said this needs to be driven by my grandson

Obviously there’s a lot more to this than we know. Family issues or whatever.

Keeping in mind your grandsons needs, just open the door to more support.

I posted this because I wanted to hear the views of those either fully transitioned or going through the process at whatever stage. Thanks Rachel and Cat for your input it is very appreciated

You’re welcome. If you want to chat more privately, you’re welcome to message me. I know quite a lot about the journey of trans men. X"

Thank you Rachel I may take you up on the private conversation at some point. Xx

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By *aastyKnixWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

Maybe have a chat with your grandson and let him know that you know and that you are happy to be there and to be supportive to him. Maybe also suggest he has an in depth, heart to heart chat with his mum so they can iron out all the details of how they both feel about his identity. Maybe even offer to be there for this chat to offer any insights you may be able to and to support them both if things get a little emotional.

Finally, congratulations to both you and your daughter on showing some wonderfully supportive and understanding parenting and grandparenting.

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

Finally, congratulations to both you and your daughter on showing some wonderfully supportive and understanding parenting and grandparenting."

Thank you x

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By *ickshawedCouple over a year ago

Wolverhampton

I don't have a great deal of personal knowledge of this situation, but I do have two trans cousins so know what it's like to hear unexpected family news.

When one cousin and his parents were comfortable with the situation my aunt sent messages via Facebook and text message to all family members to say this is what's happening, he's a boy and his name is.

My other cousin was ready a few years later and my uncle sent a letter to family members explaining it all.

This obviously might not work for all families but it does give people the chance to process the information without saying hurtful or unthinking things in person.

I wish you and your family all the best x

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By *jorkish OP Man over a year ago

Seaforth

"I don't have a great deal of personal knowledge of this situation, but I do have two trans cousins so know what it's like to hear unexpected family news.

My other cousin was ready a few years later and my uncle sent a letter to family members explaining it all.

This obviously might not work for all families but it does give people the chance to process the information without saying hurtful or unthinking things in person.

I wish you and your family all the best x

Thanks, as my family is large and some not in my part of the country messenger and WhatsApp will probably be used

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