FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Accepting.
Accepting.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hello, not been around for a while but I’m good for those who remember me. Just want peoples opinions (for myself not the book). It’s no secret that I’ve been single for what feels like an ice age, I’m a couple of years off 40 and I don’t want to be eternally single.
I have always had a certain type/look that I’ve been attracted to but those types haven’t worked out for me at all.
I’ve always always focused too much on how someone looks, only ever been with extremely good looking guys and although their personalities were good as well their morals/values haven’t been. Coincidence or just the types of guys that they are? They KNOW they’re good looking, they know they have their fingers in multiple pies.
Anyway my question then, now that I feel I’ve reached proper adult age and the fact that I don’t want to be single anymore is it finally time to sacrifice the one area that I’ve focussed so much on and that’s sexual attraction and how someone looks? I’m in a situation where there’s a guy (from real world not here) he’s early 40’s, not bad looking but I know I don’t fancy him at all. He’s got his own house quite a nice one actually, good job, couple of cars, very very sensitive, basically he would make me his girlfriend in a second if I wanted him to. He’s very attentive, respectful, slightly makes me feel overwhelmed with the amount of messages he sends (cos I’m not used to it) never talks about anything sexual, days all the same stuff that I’m into like spiritually and my values and beliefs.
Now I’m older do I just give this a chance and hope that with time love would come? Is that a proper thing that adults do? Instead of going for someone with instant attraction and lust you go for someone that would be good for your soul? Or do you have to have at least some attraction to start? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hello, not been around for a while but I’m good for those who remember me. Just want peoples opinions (for myself not the book). It’s no secret that I’ve been single for what feels like an ice age, I’m a couple of years off 40 and I don’t want to be eternally single.
I have always had a certain type/look that I’ve been attracted to but those types haven’t worked out for me at all.
I’ve always always focused too much on how someone looks, only ever been with extremely good looking guys and although their personalities were good as well their morals/values haven’t been. Coincidence or just the types of guys that they are? They KNOW they’re good looking, they know they have their fingers in multiple pies.
Anyway my question then, now that I feel I’ve reached proper adult age and the fact that I don’t want to be single anymore is it finally time to sacrifice the one area that I’ve focussed so much on and that’s sexual attraction and how someone looks? I’m in a situation where there’s a guy (from real world not here) he’s early 40’s, not bad looking but I know I don’t fancy him at all. He’s got his own house quite a nice one actually, good job, couple of cars, very very sensitive, basically he would make me his girlfriend in a second if I wanted him to. He’s very attentive, respectful, slightly makes me feel overwhelmed with the amount of messages he sends (cos I’m not used to it) never talks about anything sexual, days all the same stuff that I’m into like spiritually and my values and beliefs.
Now I’m older do I just give this a chance and hope that with time love would come? Is that a proper thing that adults do? Instead of going for someone with instant attraction and lust you go for someone that would be good for your soul? Or do you have to have at least some attraction to start? "
Yeah go for it especially as he makes you feel good, however if you don’t fancy him then there could be issues elsewhere as you’d be satisfying your likes but maybe not your desires  but who knows he could be a dark horse 
You’re still young, and gorgeous, so go for it  if it works great but if not you can and will find the one someday  |
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By *TK421-Man
over a year ago
Cheltenham |
Following this because frankly... I was passed over for the 'bad boy' that's all about lust on Friday and had to walk away.
I'm interested to see what people say as obviously I have a biased opinion.
What ever happens I wish you the best.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Do you like him as a person? Could you have him as a friend and see where it goes? Sounds like you may be in this situation already.
People change over time, I don't think that you would have considered it as a possibility many years ago.
Attraction can grow but it might not ever turn sexual. But you don't know if you don't try. |
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By *an4funMan
over a year ago
london |
Sounds like you want the dream. The dream we've been sold from the day we were born through movies, books, songs our parents etc. I don't believe humans are made to be with the same person for very long periods of time.
Don't string this guy along just because you think he can give you that dream. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and have been overlooked for a bad boy or two in the passed, I do think attraction is a must but that can be anything not necessarily looks.
I think the world of dating is a minefield based on looks alone, nobody gets a chance to get their personality across as by the time you written your message they’ve moved on and swiped for the guy with the gym selfie and abs out |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
I go for someone I'm attracted to and who I get on with and can have good craic and conversations with .
What they own or their job or lifestyle has never had any influence on my decision to be with anyone.
I've never felt the need to have to settle for someone when I already know there is something missing that's not fair on the other person either and only leads to bitterness later on I've seen it happen so many times.
But then I'm happy the way the life is I suppose I like my own space. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hey you. Welcome back
I personally wouldn’t. Do you really want to just settle? I guess some people do but for me it would be a definite no. xxx"
I have to agree with this, if you aren't attracted in that way then settling so you dont get treated bad is not the way to go. It will always be in your head that you feel you're missing a certain something. That way lays heart break for possibly the both of you. Im sure you will find what you want and need, just possibly vet a bit more before committing  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hello, not been around for a while but I’m good for those who remember me. Just want peoples opinions (for myself not the book). It’s no secret that I’ve been single for what feels like an ice age, I’m a couple of years off 40 and I don’t want to be eternally single.
I have always had a certain type/look that I’ve been attracted to but those types haven’t worked out for me at all.
I’ve always always focused too much on how someone looks, only ever been with extremely good looking guys and although their personalities were good as well their morals/values haven’t been. Coincidence or just the types of guys that they are? They KNOW they’re good looking, they know they have their fingers in multiple pies.
Anyway my question then, now that I feel I’ve reached proper adult age and the fact that I don’t want to be single anymore is it finally time to sacrifice the one area that I’ve focussed so much on and that’s sexual attraction and how someone looks? I’m in a situation where there’s a guy (from real world not here) he’s early 40’s, not bad looking but I know I don’t fancy him at all. He’s got his own house quite a nice one actually, good job, couple of cars, very very sensitive, basically he would make me his girlfriend in a second if I wanted him to. He’s very attentive, respectful, slightly makes me feel overwhelmed with the amount of messages he sends (cos I’m not used to it) never talks about anything sexual, days all the same stuff that I’m into like spiritually and my values and beliefs.
Now I’m older do I just give this a chance and hope that with time love would come? Is that a proper thing that adults do? Instead of going for someone with instant attraction and lust you go for someone that would be good for your soul? Or do you have to have at least some attraction to start? "
There needs to be some attraction. Why would you be with someone you don't fancy at all? How could you have sex when there's no attraction? Sexual attraction is based on more than looks though - perhaps it's worth following up on your need to be with good looking men? You're talking about two quite different things. |
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By *errocaWoman
over a year ago
Shropshire |
"Sounds like you want the dream. The dream we've been sold from the day we were born through movies, books, songs our parents etc. I don't believe humans are made to be with the same person for very long periods of time.
Don't string this guy along just because you think he can give you that dream."
Agree with this totally. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Relationships are about both of you and as you say a lot more than physical attraction. Do you genuinely like this man, find yourself looking forward to spending time with him, thinking about him, smiling when you see a message, wondering how he sees you? If so then yeah, there's a chance it could work.
If you don't feel like this but just think he has a lot of the qualities you want in a man - the attentiveness, setled, own house, money etc then I would say you don't have a chance in hell of making it work, he is a person with his own feelings and needs, not a list of desirable attributes.
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Imo it's a personal decision on compromising on a person or compromising on relationship status.
But if suggest experimentation. Maybe swipe right on a few people who tick personality but aren't quite your normal type. You may be surprised.
Also, maybe tweak any profiles you have. Maybe (and I don't know) it's sending out a signal that attracts fuck boys but not the good looking yet good guys.
Eg (and I'm claiming here I'm both good looking and not a twat !) I rarely swipied on anyone who looked liked they used filters or were a bit too "insta" in their profiles. I liked profiles a bit more down to earth. But I fully expect some of those were good a good match. But like women on fab, I decided to filter early. |
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I was passed over a couple of times for the ‘bad boy’ or the rogue..
It never worked out for them in the end..
Never settle for something you’re not 100% on. It’ll always give you cause for doubt.
J |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The harder you look the harder to find.... you'll know when the right guy is in your life, don't push it... the universe will provide and you've learnt your lessons from the past... everything for a reason lady...
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I get the feeling that I would be in control, that’s a position I’ve never ever been in with a guy before. Was always me pandering to whatever dick head that was on the scene till he finally fucks off and leaves me feeling shit. I’ve always gone for super attractive, yet emotionally unavailable men. This dude even let me borrow one of his cars 60k’s worth of car when I went over the bridge for a shopping trip with my best friend. I haven’t even kissed this dude yet. We’ve just been for a few walks and coffee day can’t even call them dates but hang outs?
I don’t fancy him though. Can’t imagine me wanting to stick my tongue up his arse. I don’t know if I’m forcing it because he’s so nice to me. I’m genuinely not used to being the one that calls the shots. I don’t want to have ‘the power’ if such thing even exists, I think I only have it because I genuinely don’t give a shit. |
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"I get the feeling that I would be in control, that’s a position I’ve never ever been in with a guy before. Was always me pandering to whatever dick head that was on the scene till he finally fucks off and leaves me feeling shit. I’ve always gone for super attractive, yet emotionally unavailable men. This dude even let me borrow one of his cars 60k’s worth of car when I went over the bridge for a shopping trip with my best friend. I haven’t even kissed this dude yet. We’ve just been for a few walks and coffee day can’t even call them dates but hang outs?
I don’t fancy him though. Can’t imagine me wanting to stick my tongue up his arse. I don’t know if I’m forcing it because he’s so nice to me. I’m genuinely not used to being the one that calls the shots. I don’t want to have ‘the power’ if such thing even exists, I think I only have it because I genuinely don’t give a shit. "
Sorry to say but it sounds like you are attracted to the materialistic things more than this guy.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I get the feeling that I would be in control, that’s a position I’ve never ever been in with a guy before. Was always me pandering to whatever dick head that was on the scene till he finally fucks off and leaves me feeling shit. I’ve always gone for super attractive, yet emotionally unavailable men. This dude even let me borrow one of his cars 60k’s worth of car when I went over the bridge for a shopping trip with my best friend. I haven’t even kissed this dude yet. We’ve just been for a few walks and coffee day can’t even call them dates but hang outs?
I don’t fancy him though. Can’t imagine me wanting to stick my tongue up his arse. I don’t know if I’m forcing it because he’s so nice to me. I’m genuinely not used to being the one that calls the shots. I don’t want to have ‘the power’ if such thing even exists, I think I only have it because I genuinely don’t give a shit. "
Youre answering your own question... if you dont feel it don't lead him on.. as he will be thinking that...or you'll end up like one of the dickheads you are avoiding yourself ironically |
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"Hello, not been around for a while but I’m good for those who remember me. Just want peoples opinions (for myself not the book). It’s no secret that I’ve been single for what feels like an ice age, I’m a couple of years off 40 and I don’t want to be eternally single.
I have always had a certain type/look that I’ve been attracted to but those types haven’t worked out for me at all.
I’ve always always focused too much on how someone looks, only ever been with extremely good looking guys and although their personalities were good as well their morals/values haven’t been. Coincidence or just the types of guys that they are? They KNOW they’re good looking, they know they have their fingers in multiple pies.
Anyway my question then, now that I feel I’ve reached proper adult age and the fact that I don’t want to be single anymore is it finally time to sacrifice the one area that I’ve focussed so much on and that’s sexual attraction and how someone looks? I’m in a situation where there’s a guy (from real world not here) he’s early 40’s, not bad looking but I know I don’t fancy him at all. He’s got his own house quite a nice one actually, good job, couple of cars, very very sensitive, basically he would make me his girlfriend in a second if I wanted him to. He’s very attentive, respectful, slightly makes me feel overwhelmed with the amount of messages he sends (cos I’m not used to it) never talks about anything sexual, days all the same stuff that I’m into like spiritually and my values and beliefs.
Now I’m older do I just give this a chance and hope that with time love would come? Is that a proper thing that adults do? Instead of going for someone with instant attraction and lust you go for someone that would be good for your soul? Or do you have to have at least some attraction to start? "
To be honest, do you really want to make him and yourself miserable because in my opinion that is what will happen in the end. Good luck |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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He sounds like a genuinely true friend and a lovely one at that!
Does he sound like a lifetime partner? No, he doesn't.
Only you know your own true feelings towards him and know him as he is with you. Something tells me that your gut is telling you no, so stick with your gut on this and do what makes you happy in all areas, not just the security one x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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To clarify I didn’t meet him on any kind of app or dating site and that’s my point, had he been on here or a dating site he’s someone I wouldn’t respond to. I first met him in real world when I was pissed and let him put his number in my phone. |
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I don't agree with anyone saying she's materialistic....
She'd drop him for a good looking bloke in a shot.
This is a situation that needs to go slowly.
I see the O.P. as very much in a learning phase. She can't learn if she doesn't use the experience wisely.
Annie....... No one says you have to fancy someone to hang out.
If he doesn't become a partner he could become a very good friend and those are more important in life than all the ripped shags on the planet.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Imo it's a personal decision on compromising on a person or compromising on relationship status.
But if suggest experimentation. Maybe swipe right on a few people who tick personality but aren't quite your normal type. You may be surprised.
Also, maybe tweak any profiles you have. Maybe (and I don't know) it's sending out a signal that attracts fuck boys but not the good looking yet good guys.
Eg (and I'm claiming here I'm both good looking and not a twat !) I rarely swipied on anyone who looked liked they used filters or were a bit too "insta" in their profiles. I liked profiles a bit more down to earth. But I fully expect some of those were good a good match. But like women on fab, I decided to filter early. "
I forgot to answer the question!
How does the attention make you feel? If that dropped off would that be better / worse ?
And how important is a sexual spark / convo etc.
Personally, id experiment a bit more rather than compromise on the first person. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Personally couldn't date anyone I'm not attracted to, that's what tips the balance from friend to lover for me.
I lost a close female friend years ago and we had a ridiculous amount in common. Physically there was just nothing there though so I never felt the need to pursue anything.
I won't date unless I get the old "fireworks" feeling. There has to be some physical attraction as part of that. I've also ditched people after one date that have been supposedly "hot" because they had zero personality. You just can't force something that isn't there. |
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Mind you - when it sinks in that there's no sniffs on the horizon he may move on himself.
The difference in his behaviour may be due to him not being an internet male.
No offence meant to blokes on here and other sex sites but the mind set and expectations are very different to the 'unsullied' ...... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Sounds like you want the dream. The dream we've been sold from the day we were born through movies, books, songs our parents etc. I don't believe humans are made to be with the same person for very long periods of time.
Don't string this guy along just because you think he can give you that dream."
I tend to agree with this point. Also there has to be a level of reciprocity in all relationships, consider what are you prepared to give to this man in return for the affection and stability he offers? Love, Sex, Status, Companionship?? and can you be honest about it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I get the feeling that I would be in control, that’s a position I’ve never ever been in with a guy before. Was always me pandering to whatever dick head that was on the scene till he finally fucks off and leaves me feeling shit. I’ve always gone for super attractive, yet emotionally unavailable men. This dude even let me borrow one of his cars 60k’s worth of car when I went over the bridge for a shopping trip with my best friend. I haven’t even kissed this dude yet. We’ve just been for a few walks and coffee day can’t even call them dates but hang outs?
I don’t fancy him though. Can’t imagine me wanting to stick my tongue up his arse. I don’t know if I’m forcing it because he’s so nice to me. I’m genuinely not used to being the one that calls the shots. I don’t want to have ‘the power’ if such thing even exists, I think I only have it because I genuinely don’t give a shit.
Sorry to say but it sounds like you are attracted to the materialistic things more than this guy.."
Yup |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Annie ......
What have you got to offer him ? What would you bring to the table ?"
I know I’ve got a lot of love to give someone. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.
Do I get excited about seeing this dude, no, do I look forward to when he texts me, no cos I know if I answer I’ll have to keep answering all the other messages he sends.
If I could transfer a quarter of how I’ve felt about previous fuck boys cos that’s what they’ve been, I would be good. It’s a situation where you know this person would be good for you but it’s the rotten shallow side of me that’s stopping it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In all honesty, no. I believe you've alluded to this gentleman before, therefore he's been around long enough for feelings to develope, you can't force them unfortunately. Falling for somebody unexpectedly and it's reciprocal, is a beautiful feeling. It's organic and unforced, while creeping up on you in a surprising way. How you find it? Luck, patience, getting out there, there's no silver bullet I'm afraid.
I hope you find what you seek
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Annie this is going to sound harsh but you post sums up very succinctly why you are single despite not wanting to be. There are good looking men with morals in the world to suggest all hot guys are promiscuous is just immature tbh |
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So in short, you rode the cock rollercoaster in your youth, and now your youth is over and your getting less opportunities to fulfil your shallow desires your wondering if now is the time to lower your standards and try to bag someone that’s actually a good person before you dry up
I’d say it’s a good idea. No one wants to die alone, although you might it’s slim pickings out there as the good ones tend to get snatched up quite early, and the ones that haven’t have their pick of the litter and an older woman might not be their first choice |
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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago
STOKE ON TRENT |
"So in short, you rode the cock rollercoaster in your youth, and now your youth is over and your getting less opportunities to fulfil your shallow desires your wondering if now is the time to lower your standards and try to bag someone that’s actually a good person before you dry up
I’d say it’s a good idea. No one wants to die alone, although you might it’s slim pickings out there as the good ones tend to get snatched up quite early, and the ones that haven’t have their pick of the litter and an older woman might not be their first choice"
Dry up
 |
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"So in short, you rode the cock rollercoaster in your youth, and now your youth is over and your getting less opportunities to fulfil your shallow desires your wondering if now is the time to lower your standards and try to bag someone that’s actually a good person before you dry up
I’d say it’s a good idea. No one wants to die alone, although you might it’s slim pickings out there as the good ones tend to get snatched up quite early, and the ones that haven’t have their pick of the litter and an older woman might not be their first choice
Dry up
"
There There Yas..... there there  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Annie ......
What have you got to offer him ? What would you bring to the table ?
I know I’ve got a lot of love to give someone. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.
Do I get excited about seeing this dude, no, do I look forward to when he texts me, no cos I know if I answer I’ll have to keep answering all the other messages he sends.
If I could transfer a quarter of how I’ve felt about previous fuck boys cos that’s what they’ve been, I would be good. It’s a situation where you know this person would be good for you but it’s the rotten shallow side of me that’s stopping it. "
It's not a rotten side to you at all. It's preference, you have little, if any, choice over who you are attracted to, but attraction can developed. He may well be good for you but in 10-20 years time things that were quirky or you'll get used to it will probably be driving you mad. Not to mention the possibility you'll resent him for being in the way of what could be.
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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago
STOKE ON TRENT |
"So in short, you rode the cock rollercoaster in your youth, and now your youth is over and your getting less opportunities to fulfil your shallow desires your wondering if now is the time to lower your standards and try to bag someone that’s actually a good person before you dry up
I’d say it’s a good idea. No one wants to die alone, although you might it’s slim pickings out there as the good ones tend to get snatched up quite early, and the ones that haven’t have their pick of the litter and an older woman might not be their first choice
Dry up
There There Yas..... there there "
I'm good
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By *r TriomanMan
over a year ago
Chippenham Malmesbury area |
Welcome back Annie. I've been reading your threads for many years now and you've always appeared to me to be very materialistic and more concerned about how things look and what others think.
So, you only liking guys because they look great but aren't great doesn't come as a surprise me. What does surprise me is that you say you're very spiritual; in my experience, such people aren't about how something looks but more about how it feels.
You're not attracted to this man. Dating him without having any feelings towards him would be really risky; he clearly likes you but could end up feeling used and you could feel unfulfilled but... It could work out, opersites attract and you could learn (now that you all grownup) that it's not important what others think, if it feels good, then it is good, regardless of how it looks.
Good luck Annie, I hope that whatever you decide to do works out well for you. |
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We have to change what we're attracted to as we age because partners change - that will typically mean that they still fall within the range of what is attractive to us.
It's natural to go slowly with a new partner, as we learn more about them and vice versa. Sex can develop at any point.
Sometimes we have to take leaps of faith, to explore the unknown, when we have been firmly in a rut of our own making that doesn't appear truly good for us.
Take each day as it comes. The relationship can develop - or not - as you take these steps. You've not taken steps on any of those days that lock you down, so you can always take what you have learned from the experience and change course, if necessary |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Welcome back OP, hope you've been well and happy in your time away.
I'd like to ask you if you think it would be fair to him if it didn't work out and you knew you didn't have the attraction to start with? How hurt could he end up? Personally I wouldn't go for it if I wasn't sure about something.
As the saying goes... If in doubt, don't. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
I’ve always wanted a relationship with someone but the type of men I’ve been attracted to just haven’t wanted one with me. It’s probably about 40% stuff that’s wrong with me that’s made them not want a relationship but I don’t believe that for 10 years I have consistently been that bad that nobody made a partner out of me. My 8 months of therapy has shown me that the types of men I’ve gone for have all been emotionally unavailable and relationships were never on their minds at all.
It’s not about settling either it’s more that I know the type of guys I’m attracted to are the guys that are super confident, super good looking, amazing bodies, big dicks, they have multiple options and I do truly believe that shapes their morals a bit, I do, I can’t help believing that because that’s what has been shown to me for the last 10 years.
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By *art123Man
over a year ago
Stoke |
I personally think you always need that magical spark before getting with someone.
It’s easy to list reasons to get with a new partner but would never feel right to me as a tick box exercise, no matter what my age.
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"So in short, you rode the cock rollercoaster in your youth, and now your youth is over and your getting less opportunities to fulfil your shallow desires your wondering if now is the time to lower your standards and try to bag someone that’s actually a good person before you dry up
I’d say it’s a good idea. No one wants to die alone, although you might it’s slim pickings out there as the good ones tend to get snatched up quite early, and the ones that haven’t have their pick of the litter and an older woman might not be their first choice"
Let me reword that for you.
She is a mature woman who , having been sexually active with men she physically desires, is now questioning whether this is what she continues to need or whether she might find love by changing her outlook on what makes a good partner.
Far from 'lowering' her standards, she is highering them by being more open minded and less ready to dismiss what has, in the past, been her ideal. The offers from 'fuck boys' has not dried up. It is the O.P. who is changing and giving thoughts to her options.
She is less concerned with 'drying up' ( given that she's not even 40 yet ) than she is with the possibility that she may overlook an opportunity and is demonstrating her intelligence in doing so.
There is still plenty of time for her to consider her future.
As for 'all the good ones' being snapped up ..... monitor the divorce courts.
And 'older woman' ..... she never said she wanted a 25 year old.
He is pursuing her.
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There is no simple answer.
Love can grow from friendship.
But if you are hoping that you will learn to love him and lust after him because of his nice house, nice job, nice cars and comfortable life, maybe you are on your way to make another mistake?
Should such comforts provide the initial spark? I am not saying is wrong, as some women see the success of a man as an integral part of his personality but still.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't know you at all OP. This is the first thread I've seen from you. I'm wondering if you think you deserve love and happiness? Or do you think you're only worth the shallow stuff...and the shallow men? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I couldn’t be with someone who I didn’t fancy the death.
On the flip side, for him - would he want someone to be with him who doesn’t fancy him? I know I wouldn’t.
I want the person who’s with me to think I’m the hottest girl that walked the earth, and vice versa.
It’s OK to be attracted to someone’s looks. Yes personality is also important but it’s a package of attraction and people get bashed for daring to say they have a type or a look that they find attractive. It’s hilarious. |
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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago
Stirling |
You claim you have been shown the same thing for 10yrs, you haven’t been shown anything, you have chosen to continually go for the same type in respect of looks/body just because someone is attractive and looks after themselves doesn’t make them a dick maybe you have also been a problem in past relationships it’s never one sided.
In previous threads I have seen you have always been looking for the so called ‘elite’ and brag about how you think you are also - whilst there is nothing wrong with confidence I find you come across as arrogant which attracts a certain type - your attitude to the mainstream and your inward feelings/desires seem to be a contradiction.
Even in this post you’ve got to get in ‘he’d make me his girlfriend in a heartbeat’ is that what’s important? do you get off on him being infatuated with you and go along with that or do you man up and admit you’d like the comfortable/material aspect of this situation but he wouldn’t excite you at all - be honest with yourself is all I will say.
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Hey Annie, nice to see you back.
I guess it depends how would you feel if someone entered a relationship with you because they gave you financial security? How would you feel if someone was with you but didn't fancy you?
Do you want to compromise yourself for that security? It's not fun fucking someone you don't fancy for years on end. |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"So in short, you rode the cock rollercoaster in your youth, and now your youth is over and your getting less opportunities to fulfil your shallow desires your wondering if now is the time to lower your standards and try to bag someone that’s actually a good person before you dry up
I’d say it’s a good idea. No one wants to die alone, although you might it’s slim pickings out there as the good ones tend to get snatched up quite early, and the ones that haven’t have their pick of the litter and an older woman might not be their first choice
Let me reword that for you.
She is a mature woman who , having been sexually active with men she physically desires, is now questioning whether this is what she continues to need or whether she might find love by changing her outlook on what makes a good partner.
Far from 'lowering' her standards, she is highering them by being more open minded and less ready to dismiss what has, in the past, been her ideal. The offers from 'fuck boys' has not dried up. It is the O.P. who is changing and giving thoughts to her options.
She is less concerned with 'drying up' ( given that she's not even 40 yet ) than she is with the possibility that she may overlook an opportunity and is demonstrating her intelligence in doing so.
There is still plenty of time for her to consider her future.
As for 'all the good ones' being snapped up ..... monitor the divorce courts.
And 'older woman' ..... she never said she wanted a 25 year old.
He is pursuing her.
"
And she isn't attracted to him. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This thread reeks of “marry him for the comfy lifestyle while I cheat on the side”
Poor lad. I hope he sees right through you "
Lad? You mean the dude? I agree and hope this dude finds someone with a nicer personality |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If he lived in a council house was a bricklayer/plumber and had 2 bicycles but is a lovely fella on all levels,would you give him a chance?"
If he was good looking yeah. That’s my point. I wouldn’t say I was materialistic because I have been single for over 10 years and have lived on my own and paid my own bills and car and my home and bought all my own things. I’ve never had anyone to be the main provider as that person has always been myself.
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If this guy is honest and genuine .u need 2 b honest and genuine with him and urself .dont let this guy fall in love with u make u his world just 4 u 2 turn around in 12 months and say ur not wot I want .using people isn't nice x |
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"I get the feeling that I would be in control, that’s a position I’ve never ever been in with a guy before. Was always me pandering to whatever dick head that was on the scene till he finally fucks off and leaves me feeling shit. I’ve always gone for super attractive, yet emotionally unavailable men. This dude even let me borrow one of his cars 60k’s worth of car when I went over the bridge for a shopping trip with my best friend. I haven’t even kissed this dude yet. We’ve just been for a few walks and coffee day can’t even call them dates but hang outs?
I don’t fancy him though. Can’t imagine me wanting to stick my tongue up his arse. I don’t know if I’m forcing it because he’s so nice to me. I’m genuinely not used to being the one that calls the shots. I don’t want to have ‘the power’ if such thing even exists, I think I only have it because I genuinely don’t give a shit. "
Don't get involved with him then, he deserves to be with someone who wants him fully. |
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"Relationships are about both of you and as you say a lot more than physical attraction. Do you genuinely like this man, find yourself looking forward to spending time with him, thinking about him, smiling when you see a message, wondering how he sees you? If so then yeah, there's a chance it could work.
If you don't feel like this but just think he has a lot of the qualities you want in a man - the attentiveness, setled, own house, money etc then I would say you don't have a chance in hell of making it work, he is a person with his own feelings and needs, not a list of desirable attributes.
Mr"
Completely agree with this.
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
I'm going to change tack here and say date him for a while and have sex with him.
For me, if the sex wasn't doing it for me, then I wouldn't grow fonder of him.
But that's just my experience.
People do change as they get older; I know I have.
You never know, you might end up loving him.
If he's infatuated with you though it won't be easy on him.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Mind you - when it sinks in that there's no sniffs on the horizon he may move on himself.
The difference in his behaviour may be due to him not being an internet male.
No offence meant to blokes on here and other sex sites but the mind set and expectations are very different to the 'unsullied' ...... "
 |
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You’re not attracted to him and he, from your description, has a lot going for himself. So sooner or later what you see in him will be seen by another.
Currently he’s giving you all of his attention but when he stops and starts telling you about this new woman he’s met and how wonderful she is, how’s that going to make you feel ?
He’s obviously a ‘good catch’ and in some ways if we truly love someone (even platonically) we should also know not to use that love. Give them a chance to find that happiness they deserve, that you know in the long term you can never give them.
Surely that then will make you mature emotionally as you mature age wise. You deserve like all of us happiness, but find the right guy not the right guy for now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm going to change tack here and say date him for a while and have sex with him.
For me, if the sex wasn't doing it for me, then I wouldn't grow fonder of him.
But that's just my experience.
People do change as they get older; I know I have.
You never know, you might end up loving him.
If he's infatuated with you though it won't be easy on him.
"
I agree with this. He could be an absolute beast in bed and love all the things that Annie loves. And attraction can grow from that. |
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"Sounds like you want the dream. The dream we've been sold from the day we were born through movies, books, songs our parents etc. I don't believe humans are made to be with the same person for very long periods of time.
Don't string this guy along just because you think he can give you that dream."
Agreed. This sounds like he could potentially get very badly hurt by you. You've already said you don't feel for him, so my thoughts are that you shouldn't start something without any spark being there. If you've known him a while you'll know how you feel. For me it's not fair on either of you as it sounds as if you're accepting something rather than nothing. You deserve better than that and so does he. Fingers crossed for you but keep the faith and wait for the right person, rather than what's merely convenient. Good luck! |
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By *otMe66Man
over a year ago
Terra Firma |
"My 8 months of therapy has shown me that the types of men I’ve gone for have all been emotionally unavailable and relationships were never on their minds at all"
Will his therapist need to say the same to him I wonder..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't think it's fair on him at all.
If someone dated me and didn't fancy me and the only thing they could tell others that they liked about me was my big house, cars and how sensitive I am I'd feel like complete shit. It's more like you're using him to try out a new way of life rather than showing any genuine interest and that's incredibly cruel.
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You need to afford him the respect of being open about how you feel now, if he wants to stay in a friendship whether that then develops into something else then at least he knows where he stands..
To not have that conversation is wrong.. |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"Are men and women only allowed to be friends if there is a guarantee of future sex?  "
No, but in a relationship sex is important, and if two people aren’t sexually compatible there will be problems in the future.
Unless they both decide they can forgo the intimacy.
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"Are men and women only allowed to be friends if there is a guarantee of future sex? "
That's how I started with my current partner. But we were just friends the idea of him becoming a boyfriend or anything else didn't cross my mind. I just enjoyed his company. I also didn't think of anything he could give me or how much money he had or if I fancied him.
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By *lectrumMan
over a year ago
south shields |
"If he lived in a council house was a bricklayer/plumber and had 2 bicycles but is a lovely fella on all levels,would you give him a chance?
If he was good looking yeah. That’s my point. I wouldn’t say I was materialistic because I have been single for over 10 years and have lived on my own and paid my own bills and car and my home and bought all my own things. I’ve never had anyone to be the main provider as that person has always been myself.
"
You have sort of answered your own question. As long as he’s good looking. So this fella obviously doesn’t meet your standards and never will |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I do think too if this was the other way around and you were a man saying you've always dated slim beautiful blondes but now you're settling for someone you don't find attractive who's sensitive with money you would be absolutely ripped to pieces for using someone to see if it benefits you.
But I'm clearly in the minority here. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I’ve only known him a few weeks.
It’s not in me to hurt or use someone. I’m normally the person that gets hurt.
Rewind a few months ago on a Sunday, in tears after some dude has fucked me about again. I’m saying to my friend I’m fed up of always giving everything I have only to be fucked about. I said it should be the guy that makes the effort and should be doing all he can to win my affection. I said I don’t want meaningless shit. The random adds on Facebook I’m not interested in it.
I know what I’ve been doing all these years hasn’t worked so instead of going for someone I’m instantly attracted to maybe going for someone that would be good for me and to me is the better thing to do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Mind you - when it sinks in that there's no sniffs on the horizon he may move on himself.
The difference in his behaviour may be due to him not being an internet male.
No offence meant to blokes on here and other sex sites but the mind set and expectations are very different to the 'unsullied' ......
"
Are "internet males" any different from "internet females"? I'd love to hear more....
Some of us are exactly the same in real life as online. Bit harsh to tar everyone with the same brush.  |
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By *apxxxWoman
over a year ago
North Shropshire not Wales!!!ffs & Manchester |
"I’ve only known him a few weeks.
It’s not in me to hurt or use someone. I’m normally the person that gets hurt.
Rewind a few months ago on a Sunday, in tears after some dude has fucked me about again. I’m saying to my friend I’m fed up of always giving everything I have only to be fucked about. I said it should be the guy that makes the effort and should be doing all he can to win my affection. I said I don’t want meaningless shit. The random adds on Facebook I’m not interested in it.
I know what I’ve been doing all these years hasn’t worked so instead of going for someone I’m instantly attracted to maybe going for someone that would be good for me and to me is the better thing to do. "
...but there needs to be an attraction Annie for it to work, a physical attraction not an attraction to his lifestyle or wealth or anything else |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I do think too if this was the other way around and you were a man saying you've always dated slim beautiful blondes but now you're settling for someone you don't find attractive who's sensitive with money you would be absolutely ripped to pieces for using someone to see if it benefits you.
But I'm clearly in the minority here. "
TBF this thread isn't as one-sided as most are on the forums and OP has taken some stick.  But yeah the guy would be fucking crucified and it would be a lot less supportive |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One of the best things in a relationship for me is looking at my other half and thinking “fuck, he is proper fit, I could fucking eat him”! Couldn’t imagine being with someone that I didn’t find attractive, no matter what else they are offering. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I do think too if this was the other way around and you were a man saying you've always dated slim beautiful blondes but now you're settling for someone you don't find attractive who's sensitive with money you would be absolutely ripped to pieces for using someone to see if it benefits you.
But I'm clearly in the minority here. "
I love how certain people like to assume the worst just because it’s me posting.
Where have I said I want to use this guy?
I’m not a horrible person, I’d never want to be the reason why someone feels hurt or rejected because it’s always been me that’s been hurt and rejected, when all you’ve ever experienced is those feelings it’s not something you’d want to inflict on someone else.
I’ve not slept with this guy or promised him anything other than friendship at the moment.
I’m just asking if feelings would come later if I spend more time with this person because I know he would be good for me. He’s someone that admittedly if he messaged me on here and I looked at his pictures I would’ve deleted his message based on his looks. BUT I’ve had the opportunity to see all the qualities and aspects of his personality because I’ve met him in the real world. He seems very caring and sensitive and his outlook on life doesn’t scream fuck boy. He has openly stated that a relationship would be on the cards which is something I’ve never heard a guy say. They always say ahh I’m not looking for anything serious at the moment but yet I’ve continued to sleep with these guys in the hole that something comes from it which it never has. |
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"I’ve only known him a few weeks.
It’s not in me to hurt or use someone. I’m normally the person that gets hurt.
Rewind a few months ago on a Sunday, in tears after some dude has fucked me about again. I’m saying to my friend I’m fed up of always giving everything I have only to be fucked about. I said it should be the guy that makes the effort and should be doing all he can to win my affection. I said I don’t want meaningless shit. The random adds on Facebook I’m not interested in it.
I know what I’ve been doing all these years hasn’t worked so instead of going for someone I’m instantly attracted to maybe going for someone that would be good for me and to me is the better thing to do. "
Why should he do his all he can to win your affection? You're not a prize at a fair for starters. And aren't relationships supposed to be about equality and mutual feelings for each person?
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Having been “this guy” you need to see things from his perspective and empathise with that. He desires you but he (probably) believes if you were to be receptive to his desires that would be because you liked the whole package and not just the security and mental nourishment he could provide you. He is looking for equality, in everything.
The fact that you mention better looking men and your ability to attract them creates an imbalance if you cannot reassure this man that he is the whole package and what you want. Be careful, his self esteem is likely quite vulnerable and he sounds sensitive and caring from your description. If you are going to always second guess yourself with this man and desire more attractive men, then I would be honest about this (in as nice as way as possible); whilst your “needs” are important OP, this is someone’s confidence and self esteem you are dealing with. Please be honest with him and yourself and let him find someone that does desire him as the whole package and not just parts  or allow him the knowledge you have shared with us so that he can make an informed choice. |
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How about having a very frank conversation with this man where Annie states everything she said here. Would this deemed too cruel? And suppose this man agrees on a trial period and see how it goes? Maybe he would not mind this kind of arrangement either? |
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"Mind you - when it sinks in that there's no sniffs on the horizon he may move on himself.
The difference in his behaviour may be due to him not being an internet male.
No offence meant to blokes on here and other sex sites but the mind set and expectations are very different to the 'unsullied' ......
Are "internet males" any different from "internet females"? I'd love to hear more....
Some of us are exactly the same in real life as online. Bit harsh to tar everyone with the same brush. "
Put your rolley eyeballs back in your head and read what is actually there. |
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Glad to see you’re back Annie
Read the op but not the rest of the thread so I may be about to repeat what has already instead, so apologies.
Just be honest with him, tell him that currently you aren’t attracted to him etc. Let him decide if he wants to take the chance that in the near future you could walk away. It’s not ideal and I know you don’t want to hurt him so just be kind  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’ve only known him a few weeks.
It’s not in me to hurt or use someone. I’m normally the person that gets hurt.
Rewind a few months ago on a Sunday, in tears after some dude has fucked me about again. I’m saying to my friend I’m fed up of always giving everything I have only to be fucked about. I said it should be the guy that makes the effort and should be doing all he can to win my affection. I said I don’t want meaningless shit. The random adds on Facebook I’m not interested in it.
I know what I’ve been doing all these years hasn’t worked so instead of going for someone I’m instantly attracted to maybe going for someone that would be good for me and to me is the better thing to do.
Why should he do his all he can to win your affection? You're not a prize at a fair for starters. And aren't relationships supposed to be about equality and mutual feelings for each person?
"
That statement is a result of giving everything to various guys for over 10 years and feeling exhausted by it all. It’s like I’ve bent over backwards for guys and lost myself in the process, had no boundaries and allowed myself to be treated like shit so it’s like enough now. If anybody wants me they have to work for it, not giving myself to anyone that hasn’t earned me. It may sound shit to people that haven’t had a rough ride but it’s kind of where you end up when all you’ve had is people treat you like shit. It’s like nah. It’s my time to have someone put in the effort. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Mind you - when it sinks in that there's no sniffs on the horizon he may move on himself.
The difference in his behaviour may be due to him not being an internet male.
No offence meant to blokes on here and other sex sites but the mind set and expectations are very different to the 'unsullied' ......
Are "internet males" any different from "internet females"? I'd love to hear more....
Some of us are exactly the same in real life as online. Bit harsh to tar everyone with the same brush.
Put your rolley eyeballs back in your head and read what is actually there. "
Soz mum. |
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"Mind you - when it sinks in that there's no sniffs on the horizon he may move on himself.
The difference in his behaviour may be due to him not being an internet male.
No offence meant to blokes on here and other sex sites but the mind set and expectations are very different to the 'unsullied' ......
Are "internet males" any different from "internet females"? I'd love to hear more....
Some of us are exactly the same in real life as online. Bit harsh to tar everyone with the same brush.
Put your rolley eyeballs back in your head and read what is actually there.
Soz mum."
You win ! x |
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"I’ve only known him a few weeks.
It’s not in me to hurt or use someone. I’m normally the person that gets hurt.
Rewind a few months ago on a Sunday, in tears after some dude has fucked me about again. I’m saying to my friend I’m fed up of always giving everything I have only to be fucked about. I said it should be the guy that makes the effort and should be doing all he can to win my affection. I said I don’t want meaningless shit. The random adds on Facebook I’m not interested in it.
I know what I’ve been doing all these years hasn’t worked so instead of going for someone I’m instantly attracted to maybe going for someone that would be good for me and to me is the better thing to do.
Why should he do his all he can to win your affection? You're not a prize at a fair for starters. And aren't relationships supposed to be about equality and mutual feelings for each person?
That statement is a result of giving everything to various guys for over 10 years and feeling exhausted by it all. It’s like I’ve bent over backwards for guys and lost myself in the process, had no boundaries and allowed myself to be treated like shit so it’s like enough now. If anybody wants me they have to work for it, not giving myself to anyone that hasn’t earned me. It may sound shit to people that haven’t had a rough ride but it’s kind of where you end up when all you’ve had is people treat you like shit. It’s like nah. It’s my time to have someone put in the effort. "
I've had a rough ride in life Annie, if any of our interactions in the past have attested. Which is why I can honestly say, I get where you are coming from been in that situation. But it didn't make me happy as there was still an imbalance. You're just trading your former position with the man. So you already know that doesn't end well. So unless you're in a position to give equally to your future partner you're just reliving your past experience from a different perspective. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Elia Kazan wrote that women admire four types of power in a man: head, fist, pecker, and pocket. Pick those you admire and see if the guy you want to be with has them. |
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"I’ve only known him a few weeks.
It’s not in me to hurt or use someone. I’m normally the person that gets hurt.
Rewind a few months ago on a Sunday, in tears after some dude has fucked me about again. I’m saying to my friend I’m fed up of always giving everything I have only to be fucked about. I said it should be the guy that makes the effort and should be doing all he can to win my affection. I said I don’t want meaningless shit. The random adds on Facebook I’m not interested in it.
I know what I’ve been doing all these years hasn’t worked so instead of going for someone I’m instantly attracted to maybe going for someone that would be good for me and to me is the better thing to do.
Why should he do his all he can to win your affection? You're not a prize at a fair for starters. And aren't relationships supposed to be about equality and mutual feelings for each person?
That statement is a result of giving everything to various guys for over 10 years and feeling exhausted by it all. It’s like I’ve bent over backwards for guys and lost myself in the process, had no boundaries and allowed myself to be treated like shit so it’s like enough now. If anybody wants me they have to work for it, not giving myself to anyone that hasn’t earned me. It may sound shit to people that haven’t had a rough ride but it’s kind of where you end up when all you’ve had is people treat you like shit. It’s like nah. It’s my time to have someone put in the effort.
I've had a rough ride in life Annie, if any of our interactions in the past have attested. Which is why I can honestly say, I get where you are coming from been in that situation. But it didn't make me happy as there was still an imbalance. You're just trading your former position with the man. So you already know that doesn't end well. So unless you're in a position to give equally to your future partner you're just reliving your past experience from a different perspective."
Essentially this |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One thing you need to consider is that if he’s a good friend and you decide to take it further, what happens if you can’t get passed the unattractive side of things and it fails……you may lose your friend |
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"I’ve only known him a few weeks.
It’s not in me to hurt or use someone. I’m normally the person that gets hurt.
Rewind a few months ago on a Sunday, in tears after some dude has fucked me about again. I’m saying to my friend I’m fed up of always giving everything I have only to be fucked about. I said it should be the guy that makes the effort and should be doing all he can to win my affection. I said I don’t want meaningless shit. The random adds on Facebook I’m not interested in it.
I know what I’ve been doing all these years hasn’t worked so instead of going for someone I’m instantly attracted to maybe going for someone that would be good for me and to me is the better thing to do.
Why should he do his all he can to win your affection? You're not a prize at a fair for starters. And aren't relationships supposed to be about equality and mutual feelings for each person?
That statement is a result of giving everything to various guys for over 10 years and feeling exhausted by it all. It’s like I’ve bent over backwards for guys and lost myself in the process, had no boundaries and allowed myself to be treated like shit so it’s like enough now. If anybody wants me they have to work for it, not giving myself to anyone that hasn’t earned me. It may sound shit to people that haven’t had a rough ride but it’s kind of where you end up when all you’ve had is people treat you like shit. It’s like nah. It’s my time to have someone put in the effort. "
You've said it just there...
"YOU allowed yourself to be treated like shit"
This guy doesn"t deserve to be strung along.
Have you told him you aren't physically attracted to him?? |
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It’s hard OP. Life that is. And I know sometimes it feels that is unique to you (or me or us) but life is hard for everyone I’m afraid (or most everyone). We all get treated like shit, we all get taken for granted, we all have been devalued or overlooked. Some more than most, others not so much.
But what you are looking for in another (compassion, empathy, kindness) you need to demonstrate yourself to create the equality that will make any future relationship successful |
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By *an4funMan
over a year ago
london |
"I’ve only known him a few weeks.
It’s not in me to hurt or use someone. I’m normally the person that gets hurt.
Rewind a few months ago on a Sunday, in tears after some dude has fucked me about again. I’m saying to my friend I’m fed up of always giving everything I have only to be fucked about. I said it should be the guy that makes the effort and should be doing all he can to win my affection. I said I don’t want meaningless shit. The random adds on Facebook I’m not interested in it.
I know what I’ve been doing all these years hasn’t worked so instead of going for someone I’m instantly attracted to maybe going for someone that would be good for me and to me is the better thing to do.
Why should he do his all he can to win your affection? You're not a prize at a fair for starters. And aren't relationships supposed to be about equality and mutual feelings for each person?
That statement is a result of giving everything to various guys for over 10 years and feeling exhausted by it all. It’s like I’ve bent over backwards for guys and lost myself in the process, had no boundaries and allowed myself to be treated like shit so it’s like enough now. If anybody wants me they have to work for it, not giving myself to anyone that hasn’t earned me. It may sound shit to people that haven’t had a rough ride but it’s kind of where you end up when all you’ve had is people treat you like shit. It’s like nah. It’s my time to have someone put in the effort. "
It's your turn to become everything you dislike about the guys who have treated you badly? |
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"It’s hard OP. Life that is. And I know sometimes it feels that is unique to you (or me or us) but life is hard for everyone I’m afraid (or most everyone). We all get treated like shit, we all get taken for granted, we all have been devalued or overlooked. Some more than most, others not so much.
But what you are looking for in another (compassion, empathy, kindness) you need to demonstrate yourself to create the equality that will make any future relationship successful "
Perfectly put  |
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By *adyBugsWoman
over a year ago
cognito |
As a 41 year old single person for the last 8 years I have learned that if I’m questioning anything about being with someone then I probably shouldn’t be with them.
Feeling something for someone should be natural without questions.
But that’s just my opinion or maybe I’m just a commitment phobe. |
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"If there’s no physical attraction, then what’s the point. Affluence isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship, contrary to how some may see it.
"
Physical attraction hasn’t worked for her so far, maybe she needs a different approach |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As always Annie, your brutal openness and honesty has triggered a spectrum of opinion and 'advice'. Not sure if it's going to help, as there's so much contradictory info and you'll just read the comments that affirm your existing beliefs?
One point I haven't seen commented on is the potetial for sexual compatibility; you've always been clear on what your type is (it comes as no surprise in this thread), but even if this guy doesn't tick the immediate visual attraction boxes, how do you know he isn't the kinkiest, best fuck you're ever going to meet, will beg for your tongue up his arse, and has a dick that will open even your eyes?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The main points to this are I’ve always gone for physical attributes first, guys I’ve instantly been attracted to and wanted to sleep with. That hasn’t worked for me.
This guy I’m not instantly attracted to but he’s a nice person, has only been kind and respectful towards me and there’s a potential for this to be a relationship. I’ve never been in a situation where something romantic grows out of a friendship because I’ve only ever gone for guys I’ve lusted after from the start so I’m just wondering if feelings can develop over time if you keep an open mind and spend time with someone. |
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"The main points to this are I’ve always gone for physical attributes first, guys I’ve instantly been attracted to and wanted to sleep with. That hasn’t worked for me.
This guy I’m not instantly attracted to but he’s a nice person, has only been kind and respectful towards me and there’s a potential for this to be a relationship. I’ve never been in a situation where something romantic grows out of a friendship because I’ve only ever gone for guys I’ve lusted after from the start so I’m just wondering if feelings can develop over time if you keep an open mind and spend time with someone. "
Yes they can that’s how I roll. I’m never physically attracted to anyone until I like the person |
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Attraction can come over time, but it's not ideal to enter a relationship with someone if you're not attracted to them. That's a huge risk for them to get hurt.
Maintaining a friendship and seeing if attraction follows would be more respectful.
Personally I'd hate to be in a relationship and know I was waiting for them to find me attractive. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Attraction can come over time, but it's not ideal to enter a relationship with someone if you're not attracted to them. That's a huge risk for them to get hurt.
Maintaining a friendship and seeing if attraction follows would be more respectful.
Personally I'd hate to be in a relationship and know I was waiting for them to find me attractive. "
This
As long as you're not stringing him along, then see how your friendship develops.
Just be honest with him, and don't use him.
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"The main points to this are I’ve always gone for physical attributes first, guys I’ve instantly been attracted to and wanted to sleep with. That hasn’t worked for me.
This guy I’m not instantly attracted to but he’s a nice person, has only been kind and respectful towards me and there’s a potential for this to be a relationship. I’ve never been in a situation where something romantic grows out of a friendship because I’ve only ever gone for guys I’ve lusted after from the start so I’m just wondering if feelings can develop over time if you keep an open mind and spend time with someone. "
You've only known him a few weeks. It takes longer than that for me to develop a best friendship with someone.
Why don't you get to know them properly first? And see how it goes. You may end up with the most epic best friend ever, or a life partner. Stop trying to micro manage everything, it rarely bloody works god knows I've tried. By worrying if he's boyfriend material you're missing out on the fun of developing a friendship. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The next time I have sex with someone I want it to be because I want to have that intimacy with a person I have real feelings for and it’s the natural thing to do with them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Welcome back Annie.
I’d say no, if you don’t have that attraction initially, it’s unlikely (but not impossible) that it will come.
Don’t settle, keep doing the work on you, and wait for the right man. |
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"The main points to this are I’ve always gone for physical attributes first, guys I’ve instantly been attracted to and wanted to sleep with. That hasn’t worked for me.
This guy I’m not instantly attracted to but he’s a nice person, has only been kind and respectful towards me and there’s a potential for this to be a relationship. I’ve never been in a situation where something romantic grows out of a friendship because I’ve only ever gone for guys I’ve lusted after from the start so I’m just wondering if feelings can develop over time if you keep an open mind and spend time with someone.
You've only known him a few weeks. It takes longer than that for me to develop a best friendship with someone.
Why don't you get to know them properly first? And see how it goes. You may end up with the most epic best friend ever, or a life partner. Stop trying to micro manage everything, it rarely bloody works god knows I've tried. By worrying if he's boyfriend material you're missing out on the fun of developing a friendship. "
Exactly this! |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Welcome back Annie.
I’d say no, if you don’t have that attraction initially, it’s unlikely (but not impossible) that it will come.
Don’t settle, keep doing the work on you, and wait for the right man. "
I agree with this |
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By *urvySub87Woman
over a year ago
Near Wellingborough |
A few years ago it got to the point where I was in my early 20s and had never had a boyfriend. My friends told me that my standards were far too high and expecting some gorgeous adonis was just never going to happen. So I lowered my standards and started dating this short, hairy not overly good looking but OK guy who was still living at home with his dad. I figured that I'd learn to be attracted to him. Fast forward 5 years, he's got a secret girlfriend at home, is sleeping with men behind both our backs and has royally fucked with my head leaving me with the thoughts that I'm not good enough to date just fuck.
The average ones are assholes too |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"At this juncture he could still be a wannabe badboy .. if you do start a relationship with him see how it goes after you have sex"
I don’t feel like I want to have sex with him though. I’m wondering if that will come afterwards. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I do think too if this was the other way around and you were a man saying you've always dated slim beautiful blondes but now you're settling for someone you don't find attractive who's sensitive with money you would be absolutely ripped to pieces for using someone to see if it benefits you.
But I'm clearly in the minority here. "
I concur with this, you’re totally focused on what this man can do for you, while he would be living under the illusion that you fancied him, what would he benefit from the relationship, seems a bit calculating and cold to me.
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Not a chance...
I did It, trod where I shouldn't have and thought I could be in a romantic relationship with a great friend, fucking disaster that could have ended up breaking both of us, I'll never settle for less again.
Stick to your beliefs and go for what you want, you both deserve that much Annie |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"At this juncture he could still be a wannabe badboy .. if you do start a relationship with him see how it goes after you have sex
I don’t feel like I want to have sex with him though. I’m wondering if that will come afterwards. "
Not a good sign.
In general, it's worth exploring guys that aren't immediately your type. But tread carefully as these are people too.
However it does read like your considerating this guy simply becquse he's the first to show interst after youv decided your usual type may not be the answer. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I do think too if this was the other way around and you were a man saying you've always dated slim beautiful blondes but now you're settling for someone you don't find attractive who's sensitive with money you would be absolutely ripped to pieces for using someone to see if it benefits you.
But I'm clearly in the minority here.
I concur with this, you’re totally focused on what this man can do for you, while he would be living under the illusion that you fancied him, what would he benefit from the relationship, seems a bit calculating and cold to me.
"
At what point in your life then do you finally say I’m gonna stop giving everything that I have to guys and getting nothing back and start seeing what a guy will do for me? Cold and calculating aren’t words I would use to describe myself. If anything I’ve always been too soft, too open, wore my heart on my sleeve, didn’t have any boundaries. I haven’t told him I fancied him. All I’ve said is that I’m happy to meet as friends and see if anything grows from that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I do think too if this was the other way around and you were a man saying you've always dated slim beautiful blondes but now you're settling for someone you don't find attractive who's sensitive with money you would be absolutely ripped to pieces for using someone to see if it benefits you.
But I'm clearly in the minority here.
I concur with this, you’re totally focused on what this man can do for you, while he would be living under the illusion that you fancied him, what would he benefit from the relationship, seems a bit calculating and cold to me.
At what point in your life then do you finally say I’m gonna stop giving everything that I have to guys and getting nothing back and start seeing what a guy will do for me? Cold and calculating aren’t words I would use to describe myself. If anything I’ve always been too soft, too open, wore my heart on my sleeve, didn’t have any boundaries. I haven’t told him I fancied him. All I’ve said is that I’m happy to meet as friends and see if anything grows from that. "
It should be an equal balance, a team, that gives and takes as necessary. |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"I do think too if this was the other way around and you were a man saying you've always dated slim beautiful blondes but now you're settling for someone you don't find attractive who's sensitive with money you would be absolutely ripped to pieces for using someone to see if it benefits you.
But I'm clearly in the minority here.
I concur with this, you’re totally focused on what this man can do for you, while he would be living under the illusion that you fancied him, what would he benefit from the relationship, seems a bit calculating and cold to me.
At what point in your life then do you finally say I’m gonna stop giving everything that I have to guys and getting nothing back and start seeing what a guy will do for me? Cold and calculating aren’t words I would use to describe myself. If anything I’ve always been too soft, too open, wore my heart on my sleeve, didn’t have any boundaries. I haven’t told him I fancied him. All I’ve said is that I’m happy to meet as friends and see if anything grows from that. "
That's all you can do.
You won't know until you try.
I tried myself a few years ago, but my heart wasn't in it and I gave up. |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
It hardly sounds thrilling. I mean shouldn’t there at least be some sort of attraction on your part? If not to his looks then his personality or sense of humour.
He could provide you with all the tea in China but if your heart doesn’t skip a beat when your phone pings or if he doesn’t make you smile seeing him after an epically shit day at work, then what’s the point?
Sure he could…..grow on you. And I’m sure lots of relationships are slow burners. But sheesh you don’t even sound enthused when you’re writing about him.
If you’re heart’s not in it then I don’t see the point?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hi Annie - Welcome back hun.
I would say I’m quite similar to you in this respect, and have recently given the other guy a chance. It didn’t work out, and only for the reason that I don’t want kids and he does, and neither of us want to consider the other position.
But what I would say is that when opportunities arise, I’m a firm believer in taking them. As the saying goes “you don’t lay on your death bed regretting the opportunities you took, you regret the opportunities you didn’t take”
Give this guy a chance, see where it goes. If it doesn’t work out for you then you haven’t lost anything and you may gain a life long friend. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Welcome back Annie
I would just say that finding someone that makes you feel good about yourself and gives you everything you need becomes more attractive than looks |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hey you. Welcome back
I personally wouldn’t. Do you really want to just settle? I guess some people do but for me it would be a definite no. xxx"
Definitely this... I couldn't be with someone I wasn't attracted to physically, aswell as mentally |
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
If youre attracted to aspects of him, get to know him.. You may be surprised. I know I have been many times.
Attraction isn't purely aesthetic and its great that you are letting go of that limiting expectation .. But I do know that I need chemistry.
Attraction is mysterious and its good to explore when you're opening to new possibities. But please Don't override your feelings and instincts to fit ANY idea that you may have about who or what you 'should' be attracted to.
X
Nice to see you pop up lovely
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One of the biggest problems with relationships is that everyone has them, therefore everyone has an opinion. Clearly we’re not all the same therefore one opinion might not be right for you.. but it’s right for the person preaching it whose advice you sought.
Listen yes, but do what’s right for you. If your happy with the outcome great. And remember this also when giving advice. |
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In love there always needs to be compromise but there needs to be attraction too. This does not need to be physical.
When you listed his financial assets first I winced. If you would not want to be with him without the money then you shouldn't be with him at all.
Looks and bank balances can fade. Be with someone you respect and want to be with. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I sincerely hope people do "grow up" and see past just good looks becauce I'm certainly not the stereotypical beauty to most men. I really do still want to find my happy ever after too.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You know what you find attractive and what you don't. You also know what non physical facets you like or not.
Finding the "right" partner is not at all straight forward. I think, ultimately, settling for someone because you don't want to be single is, no matter how much you want to make it work, also tricky.
You have to be true to yourself and go with that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I speak from experience in saying that you have it the wrong way around.
DO NOT sacrifice someone you get along with , have a good laugh with and generally have a connection with for someone who looks pretty good.
If I could give my 21 year old self one piece of advice it would be this. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you can't see yourself with him if he had nothing then he's not right
Never settle it'll fester away and you won't be happy
There needs to be chemistry and friendship too. |
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By *r TriomanMan
over a year ago
Chippenham Malmesbury area |
"I sincerely hope people do "grow up" and see past just good looks becauce I'm certainly not the stereotypical beauty to most men. I really do still want to find my happy ever after too.
"
Sinderella, with your amazing style in foot wear, hour perfect hour glass figure and your ability to do the "super woman", your without doubt, a classic beauty! |
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"I get the feeling that I would be in control, that’s a position I’ve never ever been in with a guy before. Was always me pandering to whatever dick head that was on the scene till he finally fucks off and leaves me feeling shit. I’ve always gone for super attractive, yet emotionally unavailable men. This dude even let me borrow one of his cars 60k’s worth of car when I went over the bridge for a shopping trip with my best friend. I haven’t even kissed this dude yet. We’ve just been for a few walks and coffee day can’t even call them dates but hang outs?
I don’t fancy him though. Can’t imagine me wanting to stick my tongue up his arse. I don’t know if I’m forcing it because he’s so nice to me. I’m genuinely not used to being the one that calls the shots. I don’t want to have ‘the power’ if such thing even exists, I think I only have it because I genuinely don’t give a shit. "
Don't do it. I really don't think it would be fair on him, and you might ruin the friendship that you have.
Definitely go "off type" I've done that since being on here and have been pleasantly surprised, an attraction for me is more than just looks, it can be the way they are, how they talk, and just being a decent person! |
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