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Putting on your lifejacket first
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
In a metaphorical way.... the idea of making sure you're ok before you can help anyone else.
Do you recognise when you need to?
Are you any good at it?
How do you do it?
 |
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Yes always. I often catch it too late but I recognise my anxiety can be triggered by lots of outside influences so I withdraw from everyone until I can make sense of my own mind.
Friends can find it difficult to understand but it’s my way of coping with life when it’s complicated.
Deep breaths  look after yourself always. |
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No, I was very bad at it, always putting myself at the bottom of the pile. Therapy taught me it’s fine for a bit but not sustainable.
Hope you find your own way through it and avoid the pitfalls; guilt was the biggest one for me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is something I have had to learn to do over the years Posh. I have upset many people along the way and many still don’t fully understand when I say no.
Making sure you are making yourself a priority first is so important otherwise you end up being the burden instead.
The one question I always ask myself that may help is ‘is this healthy for me?’ Of the answer is no then I’m not doing it, if it’s yes then I’m fully in |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes always. I often catch it too late but I recognise my anxiety can be triggered by lots of outside influences so I withdraw from everyone until I can make sense of my own mind.
Friends can find it difficult to understand but it’s my way of coping with life when it’s complicated.
Deep breaths look after yourself always. "
Knowing triggers of so important then you can stop them really early on or proceed with caution |
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From the age of 12 until just before I turned 50 I must have been reading the manual wrong because I put everyone else's life jacket on before even looking for my own.
From the age of 40 I recognised what I was doing wrong but hadn't a clue how to change it and carried on as before.
Then life changing events and personal loss turned me upside down and I saw the manual from a different angle and found the words self preservation in the small print.
Around that time I was also part of a search and rescue team and the practical real life instruction of making sure I was safe before attempting to rescue anyone else also helped with the psychological adjustment.
Exactly how I'm able to do it now is probably down to finding a balance between being selfish in a positive way and still being able to help others put on their life jackets. |
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"From the age of 12 until just before I turned 50 I must have been reading the manual wrong because I put everyone else's life jacket on before even looking for my own.
From the age of 40 I recognised what I was doing wrong but hadn't a clue how to change it and carried on as before.
Then life changing events and personal loss turned me upside down and I saw the manual from a different angle and found the words self preservation in the small print.
Around that time I was also part of a search and rescue team and the practical real life instruction of making sure I was safe before attempting to rescue anyone else also helped with the psychological adjustment.
Exactly how I'm able to do it now is probably down to finding a balance between being selfish in a positive way and still being able to help others put on their life jackets. "
And to borrow from another poster above, guilt was a big barrier in finding my own PPE. As was fear of not being able to protect everyone else. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I used to be this person that put other's before me but overall humans are selfish beings and I started to realise that not many people consider you before theirselves. They only notice a change in you when it effects them which is a sad thing. We all need to make ourselves a priority and look after ourselves. You can't fix other's if your broken yourself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"From the age of 12 until just before I turned 50 I must have been reading the manual wrong because I put everyone else's life jacket on before even looking for my own.
From the age of 40 I recognised what I was doing wrong but hadn't a clue how to change it and carried on as before.
Then life changing events and personal loss turned me upside down and I saw the manual from a different angle and found the words self preservation in the small print.
Around that time I was also part of a search and rescue team and the practical real life instruction of making sure I was safe before attempting to rescue anyone else also helped with the psychological adjustment.
Exactly how I'm able to do it now is probably down to finding a balance between being selfish in a positive way and still being able to help others put on their life jackets. "
Self care isn’t selfish and thats the hardest mental barrier to get over because as soon as you start to look after yourself first everyone will call you selfish and then we start to believe it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Good questions Posh, and great metaphor.
Giving it some Sunday head scratching I honestly think I just try and help where needed regardless of my own mojo at the time. I'd even go further and say that helping others can be a welcome distraction from worries in my own life.
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A little twist on this subject sorry Posh ...
Sometimes being there for others ( and obviously this is just my opinion and take on it) can actually help you too and therefore help all round ..
Might just be me I dunno  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I used to be this person that put other's before me but overall humans are selfish beings and I started to realise that not many people consider you before theirselves. They only notice a change in you when it effects them which is a sad thing. We all need to make ourselves a priority and look after ourselves. You can't fix other's if your broken yourself."
I agree |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"From the age of 12 until just before I turned 50 I must have been reading the manual wrong because I put everyone else's life jacket on before even looking for my own.
From the age of 40 I recognised what I was doing wrong but hadn't a clue how to change it and carried on as before.
Then life changing events and personal loss turned me upside down and I saw the manual from a different angle and found the words self preservation in the small print.
Around that time I was also part of a search and rescue team and the practical real life instruction of making sure I was safe before attempting to rescue anyone else also helped with the psychological adjustment.
Exactly how I'm able to do it now is probably down to finding a balance between being selfish in a positive way and still being able to help others put on their life jackets.
And to borrow from another poster above, guilt was a big barrier in finding my own PPE. As was fear of not being able to protect everyone else. "
From my own search & rescue team experience I can relate to the practical instruction. I just can't seem to relate it to the psychological.
The feeling of being selfish to do it doesn't want to go away. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A little twist on this subject sorry Posh ...
Sometimes being there for others ( and obviously this is just my opinion and take on it) can actually help you too and therefore help all round ..
Might just be me I dunno "
Not just you Grumps  |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Good questions Posh, and great metaphor.
Giving it some Sunday head scratching I honestly think I just try and help where needed regardless of my own mojo at the time. I'd even go further and say that helping others can be a welcome distraction from worries in my own life.
"
That's me to a T. And then I think about that too much and it feels selfish that I'm helping others as a way to hide from my shit. |
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"A little twist on this subject sorry Posh ...
Sometimes being there for others ( and obviously this is just my opinion and take on it) can actually help you too and therefore help all round ..
Might just be me I dunno
Not just you Grumps "
Yay I'm not weird  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m good at it now, used to be terrible at it. Always put everyone else first. It’s in my dna to save/fix others.
However I realised that I needed to make sure I was safe & strong, first and foremost otherwise I am no use to anyone else..
Self care is not selfish.. it’s vital. |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
I used to be the one always making sure everyone was happy, much to my own detriment as t times, but the past years or so has certainly made me stop and think that the only person there for me is me and I prioritise myself first now x |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
This is such a tough lesson , especially if you have kids and say my kids come before me and wonder why things go so bad. What they should do is sacrifice thier wants but not their needs, but the reverse is much easier. The trick is regularly topping up the tank so you stay full |
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"I used to be this person that put other's before me but overall humans are selfish beings and I started to realise that not many people consider you before theirselves. They only notice a change in you when it effects them which is a sad thing. We all need to make ourselves a priority and look after ourselves. You can't fix other's if your broken yourself."
This is very true! I only help friends I’m close to now. I’m sick of offering the hand of help…. It’s rarely returned when you need it |
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Being completely honest I see threads on here and on other forums all the time reminding people to be supportive or by people who are struggling and others offering words of support.
I can't contribute to any of those because I've spent my life carrying others and helping them and joining this site was a small part of getting away from that mindset.
It may sound selfish but I don't see it that way as I'm tired and jaded with everyone else's issues and this is my time. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"In a metaphorical way.... the idea of making sure you're ok before you can help anyone else.
Do you recognise when you need to?
Are you any good at it?
How do you do it?
"
Its important that people who tend to give of themselves to others recognise this, otherwise they give too much and have nothing left for themselves. I tell people they need to be a little selfish at time, which is hard for them to take on board.
I think I am good at it, and recognise when I need to, mainly due to self reflection and accepting that when I am in that place I am no use to anyone. |
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I'm not the best at it. But I'm learning. A good friend told me that 'you can't poor from an epty cup.'
It's also worth noticing yourself that actually in a crisis you will be there ready to take on the challenge... Another famous quote is..
'You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.'
I hope you're doing OK lovely.
Jo.Xx |
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How funny, I was just having a word with myself about that! I’ve always been the one who helps others and puts me last, that feels natural! However I’ve got to a point where I won’t make myself ill for others now! I’m so tired of people taking the mickey out of me on so many levels, not considering me at all, it’s all about them! I will always be there for people, but I have to step back and recharge once in a while too, I have to prioritise that now no matter how guilty I feel for stepping away! Miss pc |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A little twist on this subject sorry Posh ...
Sometimes being there for others ( and obviously this is just my opinion and take on it) can actually help you too and therefore help all round ..
Might just be me I dunno
Not just you Grumps
Yay I'm not weird "
No, you're not weird. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Being completely honest I see threads on here and on other forums all the time reminding people to be supportive or by people who are struggling and others offering words of support.
I can't contribute to any of those because I've spent my life carrying others and helping them and joining this site was a small part of getting away from that mindset.
It may sound selfish but I don't see it that way as I'm tired and jaded with everyone else's issues and this is my time. "
Doesn't sound selfish at all. Hope you don't let it get you down. As in you don't let people make you feel guilty for not helping.  |
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