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Losing friends as an adult
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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How do you cope with ending friendships that have lasted years as an adult, and how do you get around to making new ones?
I recently ended a very, very close friendship that had lasted around 8 years. He had become a totally different person these last few years and we kept arguing, with him getting more and more abusive with his choice of words. I kept forgiving him though, but after he said something really vile to me a few weeks ago I finally said enough is enough.
I've had time to mourn and accept the end of the friendship, but now I'm looking at the ones I have left. It's a far more sparse list than when I was at school/uni. And I get it, people carve out new lives and grow apart etc. But I see people who have friends they've known from childhood and I feel insanely jealous, because I've just never been able to maintain those kinds of lifelong relationships.
With the end of this friendship, I have also lost a whole circle that was closer to him than to me. Now my social life has understandably taken a massive knock, and I find myself alone on a Friday night when I could have been out or at a party. I do have other close friends, of course, but they are either scattered around the country or perpetually busy with their other halves/grown-up lives.
I guess being single at a time like this just really sucks. |
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I don't have a single friend from childhood.
I spent many years in one sided friendships helping and supporting when they needed it until I realised they weren't reciprocating.
I was there when they lost loved ones but they were no where to be seen when I suffered loss.
I visited them but they never set foot in my home.
I stopped calling and they all drifted away.
I've worked with people for more than 20 years and never met their partners or been in their homes.
I keep my circle small now and it's much easier to deal with.
Just like in fab, I'm extremely choosey who I chat to and am wary of placing my trust in people because it has been abused. |
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I had a friend since primary school. When I lost my husband I just didn’t hear from her, she slowly drifted away. Said she didn’t know what to say to me. So just left me at the worst possible point in my life.
I found the same with a few others as well tbh.
It’s true when people say ‘it is during the worst times in your life you will see the true colours of the people who say they care for you’
Thankfully I have met some amazing friends through widowhood who I couldn’t live without |
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By *929Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
You were right to cut things off you may mourn the loss of friendship now but what’s the alternative carry on letting him talk to you like shit?
Good friends are few and far between, many don't want to know once they are unable to derive any benefit from you. I try not to fall out with long time friends but I’m more happy to distance self from them when needed |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Moved down hear so my wife could be with family she passed away in 2011 lost most of my friends from Liverpool still in contact with three of them would describe them as good friends two came down for wife’s funeral made friends down hear still have my four grandchildren so it’s quite good at moment  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sorry for the loss of your friendship, OP.
It's a very good question. I feel men possibly find it harder to make new adult friends, or maybe that's just me ? I now work with lots of people which has been a big help but I struggled when I worked alone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If it got that bad then you clearly made the right choice. And as for the ones that went with him then no loss really other than the opportunity to go out.
You may not see this but you are still young believe it or not. I made friends at your age who are still friends now so nearly 2 decades, and I mean close friends.
I also have friends that I have had in my life for 38 years, some friends I lost through them passing away and that to me is true loss.
If you have parted ways because of bad behaviour on their part then its their loss, you may not see it but it is, your circle will grow again, you have plenty of time for this. Try not to dwell, rest assured you have done the right thing and above all else be open to letting new people in x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have acquaintance. Life changes so fast these days that it's easier.
I've never felt the need to surround myself with lots of people, in fact I'd find it hard to find lots of people that I actually like.
I like to keep things simple. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is a difficult one. We all have arguments with our friends but being abusive and saying horrible things to one another is totally unacceptable. If this friendship is meant to be, you'll most likely reconnect and if not, then maybe the friendship wasn't as close.
If I had said nasty things to a close friend of mine and they ended it, I'd be apologising and asking for forgive and try and salvage the friendship.
It's such a cliché, even if you cannot see it right now, whatever happens, does indeed happen for the best... That silver is just waiting to shine through.
You're more than welcome to PM if you want a chat... 
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't have a single friend from childhood.
I spent many years in one sided friendships helping and supporting when they needed it until I realised they weren't reciprocating.
I was there when they lost loved ones but they were no where to be seen when I suffered loss.
I visited them but they never set foot in my home.
I stopped calling and they all drifted away.
I've worked with people for more than 20 years and never met their partners or been in their homes.
I keep my circle small now and it's much easier to deal with.
Just like in fab, I'm extremely choosey who I chat to and am wary of placing my trust in people because it has been abused. "
Yeah I've definitely had a few one-sided friendships... I always tried to justify it with "well they've done XYZ for me" (even the smallest of things) but I've definitely learned these past few years to just cut those kinds of toxic people out of my life. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I had a friend since primary school. When I lost my husband I just didn’t hear from her, she slowly drifted away. Said she didn’t know what to say to me. So just left me at the worst possible point in my life.
I found the same with a few others as well tbh.
It’s true when people say ‘it is during the worst times in your life you will see the true colours of the people who say they care for you’
Thankfully I have met some amazing friends through widowhood who I couldn’t live without "
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, that is really shitty  glad you've met better people now though xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You were right to cut things off you may mourn the loss of friendship now but what’s the alternative carry on letting him talk to you like shit?
Good friends are few and far between, many don't want to know once they are unable to derive any benefit from you. I try not to fall out with long time friends but I’m more happy to distance self from them when needed "
Yeah I feel like I was setting a precedent for him to say worse and worse stuff to me every time because I kept going back and mending the friendship. I also found out a load of truly abusive stuff he said to his (ex) partner - as well as cheating on them continuously - which completely just flipped a switch for me. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Moved down hear so my wife could be with family she passed away in 2011 lost most of my friends from Liverpool still in contact with three of them would describe them as good friends two came down for wife’s funeral made friends down hear still have my four grandchildren so it’s quite good at moment "
So sorry to hear about your wife, but glad you've carved out a good life for yourself |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sorry for the loss of your friendship, OP.
It's a very good question. I feel men possibly find it harder to make new adult friends, or maybe that's just me ? I now work with lots of people which has been a big help but I struggled when I worked alone."
Yeah I've definitely made lots of friends through work, but I feel like as soon as I've left workplaces those friendships got left behind. As much as they promise to keep in touch, we've just always ended up drifting. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If it got that bad then you clearly made the right choice. And as for the ones that went with him then no loss really other than the opportunity to go out.
You may not see this but you are still young believe it or not. I made friends at your age who are still friends now so nearly 2 decades, and I mean close friends.
I also have friends that I have had in my life for 38 years, some friends I lost through them passing away and that to me is true loss.
If you have parted ways because of bad behaviour on their part then its their loss, you may not see it but it is, your circle will grow again, you have plenty of time for this. Try not to dwell, rest assured you have done the right thing and above all else be open to letting new people in x"
Definitely made the right choice. It just makes me really sad to think about. There were definitely far more good times than bad, it's just that the intensity of the bad started outweighing the good.
I guess I do still have a lot of life left, but just thinking about meeting new people and forging new relationships seems to alien to me. When you're young and in a school/university environment it's so much easier. Especially with dating apps and social media and stuff nowadays people are just so... Fleeting. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have acquaintance. Life changes so fast these days that it's easier.
I've never felt the need to surround myself with lots of people, in fact I'd find it hard to find lots of people that I actually like.
I like to keep things simple. "
I totally get where you're coming from. Some weekends I'm very glad to just spend the whole time at home by myself. This weekend is not one of those. I feel very lonely right now. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is a difficult one. We all have arguments with our friends but being abusive and saying horrible things to one another is totally unacceptable. If this friendship is meant to be, you'll most likely reconnect and if not, then maybe the friendship wasn't as close.
If I had said nasty things to a close friend of mine and they ended it, I'd be apologising and asking for forgive and try and salvage the friendship.
It's such a cliché, even if you cannot see it right now, whatever happens, does indeed happen for the best... That silver is just waiting to shine through.
You're more than welcome to PM if you want a chat...
"
Yeah like I mentioned in a previous reply it just got worse every time. I would never say anything personal about him, only about how his behaviour had upset me. He would retaliate with personal jibes about my personality, and when we last spoke he insulted my appearance and some personal things he knows I feel very insecure about. That's what crossed the line for me, and I called it quits immediately. |
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I've had two friendships end in the last five years. Both were about ten years in duration. I did feel sad but there's nothing I can do about it.
I think you're either the kind of person who has loads of friends or you're not and I'm not. It gets more difficult to make friends as you grow older especially once you stop working |
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Whilst i've not had the experience you've had, it does seem to get harder as you get older. Friends become geographically dispersed and you see less of them when they settle down and start families
You've done the right thing cutting him off, it was clearly toxic for you and not a healthy relationship to have
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
Really sorry to hear, it must have been a tough decision.
I've no close friends left and I'm single which leaves a huge void in my life. I've no one to ground me, who knows and accepts me.
I've cut myself off from some old friends and others have left me, so to speak. It hurts to break up, in friendship as in love.
I met a woman through a friendship app a couple of years ago and we are getting to some level of depth but it is slow and there are certainly areas of my life that I would not share with her. |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
I have a very small handful of people I call real true friends. And they are worth their weight in gold some I don't speak to for months but when we do it's like we haven't been apart .I house share with my best mate who I've known for over 25 years and in recent times I've made real friendships and some not so real ones that take a while to show how one sided they are.
I lost someone years ago who was my best friend for over 12 years but she decided to completely betray my trust and in the end it ruined our friendship and I lost other friends over it. Looking back though none of them were genuine friends to start with and ending the friendship was the best thing I did even though it didn't feel like it and the time .
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By *JB1954Man
over a year ago
Reading |
Like others have said. People who thought were friends , who I helped out when required no longer contact me. I retired 2019. Friends at work again who messaged etc on FB. After few weeks of me retiring , no contact. Finding true friends very difficult . ? |
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"I don't have a single friend from childhood.
I spent many years in one sided friendships helping and supporting when they needed it until I realised they weren't reciprocating.
I was there when they lost loved ones but they were no where to be seen when I suffered loss.
I visited them but they never set foot in my home.
I stopped calling and they all drifted away.
I've worked with people for more than 20 years and never met their partners or been in their homes.
I keep my circle small now and it's much easier to deal with.
Just like in fab, I'm extremely choosey who I chat to and am wary of placing my trust in people because it has been abused. "
Wow.
I could have written that word for word and everything you said applies to me completely.
Its strange as adults and particularly ones who choose to be child free how few close friends we have or end up with. |
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Since turning 40, I have 4 best friends, that is all I need, my circle is perfect and I know that they all have my back and I theirs.
I used to have loads for friends but I was spreading my self too thin and not being the best friend I could be. When I was coming up to 40,I decided,its me time, those 4 respected that. X |
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By *yronMan
over a year ago
grangemouth |
"I don't have a single friend from childhood.
I spent many years in one sided friendships helping and supporting when they needed it until I realised they weren't reciprocating.
I was there when they lost loved ones but they were no where to be seen when I suffered loss.
I visited them but they never set foot in my home.
I stopped calling and they all drifted away.
I've worked with people for more than 20 years and never met their partners or been in their homes.
I keep my circle small now and it's much easier to deal with.
Just like in fab, I'm extremely choosey who I chat to and am wary of placing my trust in people because it has been abused.
Wow.
I could have written that word for word and everything you said applies to me completely.
Its strange as adults and particularly ones who choose to be child free how few close friends we have or end up with."
Same here. I've made friend through various hobbies, but then they'll post something on FB about having a holiday or going to a concert together. I do have some good friends from Uni, but they live in different parts of the globe now, so it's impossible to see them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I had a friend since primary school. When I lost my husband I just didn’t hear from her, she slowly drifted away. Said she didn’t know what to say to me. So just left me at the worst possible point in my life.
I found the same with a few others as well tbh.
It’s true when people say ‘it is during the worst times in your life you will see the true colours of the people who say they care for you’
Thankfully I have met some amazing friends through widowhood who I couldn’t live without "
Sorry for your loss. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A tough thread, I want to say something however having not shared your experience have no real advice.
Friendships take time, and as people get older time is their most precious commodity. That being said, their are others in your situation - go read the other thread “struggling”..
The world is nearly back to normal and I’m sure as soon as you edge into a new circle you will be back to being that social butterfly.
Life’s just currently warped. |
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Ive got friends that I still talk too after 37 years later and still friends with them.
Ones male and ones female the other ones are not much younger truth be known I still know 10 of them from school or the street.
Im also asked about alot from friends that know me through others.
Kinda well known for bring friendly helpful and kind.
As goes for friends make them really easily as I will talk to anyone.
The last one came across and left me a thankyou present before they moved as I was in north scotland at the time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I cope very well actually. Once I know that we grew apart I know it is time to go. Not sure if other side always feel the same but I'm ruthless at times at editing my life.. we grow out sometimes, we change and so we should. But it doesn't mean i think of the time we had together not fondly. We are just moving onto new chapters. |
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"How do you cope with ending friendships that have lasted years as an adult, and how do you get around to making new ones?
I recently ended a very, very close friendship that had lasted around 8 years. He had become a totally different person these last few years and we kept arguing, with him getting more and more abusive with his choice of words. I kept forgiving him though, but after he said something really vile to me a few weeks ago I finally said enough is enough.
I've had time to mourn and accept the end of the friendship, but now I'm looking at the ones I have left. It's a far more sparse list than when I was at school/uni. And I get it, people carve out new lives and grow apart etc. But I see people who have friends they've known from childhood and I feel insanely jealous, because I've just never been able to maintain those kinds of lifelong relationships.
With the end of this friendship, I have also lost a whole circle that was closer to him than to me. Now my social life has understandably taken a massive knock, and I find myself alone on a Friday night when I could have been out or at a party. I do have other close friends, of course, but they are either scattered around the country or perpetually busy with their other halves/grown-up lives.
I guess being single at a time like this just really sucks. "
No one should be deliberately vile to another. Even in roleplay I find that impossible. I changed a few years ago and got short tempered etc... but with my wifes love and envouragement to bring out and have a good cry I was able to deal with it. By the way, it was part of the PTSD process... I just reached out and found a way to throw my teddy in the corner safely. I lost a colleague overseas anf just got o with.the job... it took a few years before it rose to the surface and triggered everything.
If I had not had this support then I dont lnow where I would be now.
But if some one is simply vile then you should get out and fond a better person to be be friends or partners with. I wish you all the best in your future search.
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Making new friends can be just as easy as it was when we were kids if you let yourself take a chance.
I’m actually off to an event this afternoon where I know no one and we are just in a social media group about music. So we have one thing in common. I’ll let you know if it works.
Losing friends is unfortunately natural. They have made room for people to enter. |
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By *TK421-Man
over a year ago
Cheltenham |
I ended a close friendship yesterday. 3 years of being best friends and falling in love. It's hard to take that step but you realise the friendship has become toxic you have to look after yourself.
Sure I have woken up this morning with little sleep. Chest pounding and stomach feeling like it's punched....but this is the bottom run of the ladder and it only goes up from here.
You will make new friends. People are generally good.
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
To be honest, it can be hard.
It’s a well known fact that it’s harder for guys to make and form new friendships after a certain age, which means that every friend that I lose is one less for good or without extreme effort on my part.
I’ve always been very selective about who I let close anyway but recently it’s become even more stark.
I’m still me, I’m still the caring and loving person that I’ve always been but being increasingly alone makes me question a lot and isn’t conducive to good mental health.
I apologise OP, I kind of rambled there |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Call them people you know. Finding a true friend is very hard. If you are lucky you will only likely count them on one hand. "
It’s two ways, I find you put a lot in you get a lot out. I wouldn’t want more than a handful, 2-3 true friends is enough, they should be for life and one possibly your partner/soulmate. These are the ones you can go to for anything and are always there for you in a crisis and vice versa.
Then a wider group of around 12 who come and go and you pull in for different kinds of advice etc.
More than that your neglecting yourself ! |
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"How do you cope with ending friendships that have lasted years as an adult, and how do you get around to making new ones?
"
Sorry to hear of the loss of the friendship OP, but it sounds like it was for the best and needed to happen.
To make new connections, have you tried or thought about fitness or hobbies?
Try a jogging club or C25k group.
Runners tend to chat while running compared to the gym where talking is less common.
Or what about a new hobby, is there a book group around you, crochet or other craft groups?
These are better places to find friends that pubs and clubs.
Also I know it is hard, but we tend to try and find a friend to fill the gap, but you are not going to replace a longterm friendship overnight.
Big hug and hope you find a new friendship group/circle through some new activity. |
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By *essie.Woman
over a year ago
Serendipity |
OP - sorry to read about what happened. He doesn’t sound like he was being a friend at all, so you’re better off without him in your life.
It may take some time, but you’re young and I’m sure will make new friends. Like others have suggested, maybe try a new activity of some kind as a way forward.
I have a handful of close friends and one I’ve known since my first ever day at work when she took me to lunch. But at different stages we have all drifted slightly and then come back closer again. It’s part of life’s cycle I guess. When I lost my Mum I really learnt who my true friends are.
I look on my family as friends too, one of my siblings is my best friend and my grandmother in her 90s is still my wise counsel that I go to.
Hope you feel better about it all soon. It’s been an interesting thread to read. Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm sorry you lost your friend and your social group OP.
Time might help you reconnect with the others. Sending texts to them to keep in contact might help. You might not get out with them but you can keep building the connection you do have.
I am blessed that I still have my school leaving friends with me. I only get to meet up with them a few times a year but it's wonderful for my soul.
We have stayed together because one of us is tireless in making sure we do stay in contact. It is hard work.
I have made lots of friends since I left school and 99% of them have drifted on. Well to be fair ... I have drifted on. I don't have the mental energy to keep the connections going.
I really hope you find your people again OP |
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By *adyBugsWoman
over a year ago
cognito |
I used to struggle with it.
I also used to put up with a lot of toxic people for longer than I should have.
Nowadays I see it as a the normal flow of life. People come into your circle because you have something to teach or learn from each other, not necessarily both in both directions and when they leave it just means the lesson has been learned and someone else now needs their energy.
Looking at it this way means I enjoy my time with them (however long or short it turns out to be) more in the present than worrying about the future or being stuck in the past. |
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Life is like a pair of train tracks.. it has its ups and downs, fast sections, slow sections, curves along the way.
Some tracks pair with others then the hit a junction or a station. and one goes one direction, the other another.
Sometimes they meet again, some are gone forever..
As long as you stay on the rails you will meet the final station with all your passengers that havd been happy to join you on your journey ...
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