FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Responding to "fancy a chat?"
Responding to "fancy a chat?"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I get several a day on here and other sites and occasionally accompanied by "and be friends". I find these really hard to respond to or ignore. It's polite, reaching out for human contact. They make me want to scream. And yet be "nice".
What's your approach?   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"But most of the time the 'chat' they are referring to is talk dirty to me while I wank aggressively then disappear until I'm horny again  "
Wow you have some sexually charged friends |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Morning op I never start chats only chat on forums or forum games chat to one lady about non sexual issues just life in general it is what it is there are some lovely genuine people on hear so don’t let the few cloud judgment I’m off for coffee have good day all happy Thursday to all x  |
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"I get several a day on here and other sites and occasionally accompanied by "and be friends". I find these really hard to respond to or ignore. It's polite, reaching out for human contact. They make me want to scream. And yet be "nice".
What's your approach? "
I don’t get these, I’ve had one very recently which made me think “Huh, you didn’t read my profile…”
But should I do, I always start with a “how are you” or “how was your day?” It’s just polite & let’s the convo flow. Or if I’m feeling a bit daft, I’ll fire a joke in or leave a compliment. |
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Sometimes a chat can just be a chat.
People get lonely, or just feel the need for some human interaction.
The ones that get me are people who request a chat, then have nothing to say or just reply with yes/no. Makes it hard work! |
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By *ack688Man
over a year ago
abruzzo Italy (and UK) |
I’m sure some people just feel shy, or awkward, they want to try and make a connection, to start a conversation but either are a bit crippled by fear of rejection, or have maybe become jaded, or really just aren’t very good at it.
But yeah, then there’s ones just looking for someone to get off with and don’t think they need to put any effort in! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ok so the 'lets be friends' comment in the initial message does sound a bit cringey. The fancy a chat bit is just a polite way of striking up a conversation with someone. "
I get that's why men send them (it is nearly all men). But if you want a chat - that's what the forum is for. I don't want another 6 bland chats a day.  |
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I have a non sexual chat and let them know that my friends pics are for people I meet, sometimes they stay for a while sometimes they fade away quickly, its another good filter I use as some do stay in my life and become good friends, the rest fall by the wayside |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sometimes a chat can just be a chat.
People get lonely, or just feel the need for some human interaction.
The ones that get me are people who request a chat, then have nothing to say or just reply with yes/no. Makes it hard work!"
That's nearly all of them!
Them: "Wanna chat?"
Me: "ok. What do you want to chat about?"
Them: "what kinks do you have"  or "I don't know. What do you want to chat about?" |
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I understand men’s frustration at there being no magic way to initiate conversation, but I ignore them all. I couldn’t be any clearer that I don’t want random new chats yet they still try… they’ve clearly not read my profile so I don’t read their message.
They’re probably trying their luck because you are inviting chat in your profile, but I doubt many have read it properly to consider if they are what you’re looking for. It’s frustrating.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I understand men’s frustration at there being no magic way to initiate conversation, but I ignore them all. I couldn’t be any clearer that I don’t want random new chats yet they still try… they’ve clearly not read my profile so I don’t read their message.
They’re probably trying their luck because you are inviting chat in your profile, but I doubt many have read it properly to consider if they are what you’re looking for. It’s frustrating.. "
I need to change my profile again, don't I? Although I got the same number of chat messages before. I do feel that some men struggle to initiate a convo and may be lovely but lonely etc - but I am not a support human. |
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"I understand men’s frustration at there being no magic way to initiate conversation, but I ignore them all. I couldn’t be any clearer that I don’t want random new chats yet they still try… they’ve clearly not read my profile so I don’t read their message.
They’re probably trying their luck because you are inviting chat in your profile, but I doubt many have read it properly to consider if they are what you’re looking for. It’s frustrating..
I need to change my profile again, don't I? Although I got the same number of chat messages before. I do feel that some men struggle to initiate a convo and may be lovely but lonely etc - but I am not a support human. "
This is the frustration.. they’ll message anyway.. but I feel no guilt when I’m clear as mud that I won’t reply. I haven’t got the energy to maintain lots of chats. |
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"Ok so the 'lets be friends' comment in the initial message does sound a bit cringey. The fancy a chat bit is just a polite way of striking up a conversation with someone.
I get that's why men send them (it is nearly all men). But if you want a chat - that's what the forum is for. I don't want another 6 bland chats a day. "
Would you just prefer straight FAF messages then? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ok so the 'lets be friends' comment in the initial message does sound a bit cringey. The fancy a chat bit is just a polite way of striking up a conversation with someone.
I get that's why men send them (it is nearly all men). But if you want a chat - that's what the forum is for. I don't want another 6 bland chats a day.
Would you just prefer straight FAF messages then? "
As if I don't get those too! Much easier to just ignore and block those. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I understand men’s frustration at there being no magic way to initiate conversation, but I ignore them all. I couldn’t be any clearer that I don’t want random new chats yet they still try… they’ve clearly not read my profile so I don’t read their message.
They’re probably trying their luck because you are inviting chat in your profile, but I doubt many have read it properly to consider if they are what you’re looking for. It’s frustrating..
I need to change my profile again, don't I? Although I got the same number of chat messages before. I do feel that some men struggle to initiate a convo and may be lovely but lonely etc - but I am not a support human.
This is the frustration.. they’ll message anyway.. but I feel no guilt when I’m clear as mud that I won’t reply. I haven’t got the energy to maintain lots of chats. "
Your profile is crystal clear! I am interested in talking/meets but "fancy a chat" men aren't my cup of tea. I have the guilt but still don't want to have any more boring chats! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'll give many the benefit of the doubt, without adding anyone as a friend, until I'm more certain about meeting. If it's just a cover for them to have a wank, I'm out of it. "
You're nicer than me. I can see the trajectory of the "chat" at the outset and its not leading to a meet. I can't be arsed.  |
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"Ok so the 'lets be friends' comment in the initial message does sound a bit cringey. The fancy a chat bit is just a polite way of striking up a conversation with someone.
I get that's why men send them (it is nearly all men). But if you want a chat - that's what the forum is for. I don't want another 6 bland chats a day.
Would you just prefer straight FAF messages then?
As if I don't get those too! Much easier to just ignore and block those. "
Ok ok so, what kind of messages would you like? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Better than “can I ask you a question” or “you’re stunning” or “I’m in your area”.
Personally I don’t think fancy a chat is a bad one. Poor men can’t win!  "
Oh now I feel a bitch. But I don't have the energy for half a dozen new chats daily either. |
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"Better than “can I ask you a question” or “you’re stunning” or “I’m in your area”.
Personally I don’t think fancy a chat is a bad one. Poor men can’t win!
Oh now I feel a bitch. But I don't have the energy for half a dozen new chats daily either."
Haha yeah you bitch . Me neither but I just don’t read them to be honest. I’ll sometimes look at the profile first and then decide. I just scroll down most days and see if there’s any from anyone I know x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I normally say well that depends on them and how upfront they want to be and what they looking for
If I get back the normal just looking for sex
I will look to see if they profile takes my fancy
If it dose I dance around sex chat to establish that we compatible
And then tell them we get something sorted soon |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Better than “can I ask you a question” or “you’re stunning” or “I’m in your area”.
Personally I don’t think fancy a chat is a bad one. Poor men can’t win!
Oh now I feel a bitch. But I don't have the energy for half a dozen new chats daily either.
Haha yeah you bitch . Me neither but I just don’t read them to be honest. I’ll sometimes look at the profile first and then decide. I just scroll down most days and see if there’s any from anyone I know x"
 I've had worse than bitch!
If you look at the profile and you don't fancy, do you reply and say no thanks? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ok so the 'lets be friends' comment in the initial message does sound a bit cringey. The fancy a chat bit is just a polite way of striking up a conversation with someone.
I get that's why men send them (it is nearly all men). But if you want a chat - that's what the forum is for. I don't want another 6 bland chats a day.
Would you just prefer straight FAF messages then?
As if I don't get those too! Much easier to just ignore and block those.
Ok ok so, what kind of messages would you like? "
A little imagination? Because 9/10 are "fancy a chat" "gorgeous photos" "I'm nearby on Tues" "ooh what are your kinks". I'm sorry that men are outnumbered and have to make more effort but my profile says I enjoy conversation. I chat often with men from the forum because they can converse in the main. If someone wants to get in my knickers - write a better message! |
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"Better than “can I ask you a question” or “you’re stunning” or “I’m in your area”.
Personally I don’t think fancy a chat is a bad one. Poor men can’t win!
Oh now I feel a bitch. But I don't have the energy for half a dozen new chats daily either.
Haha yeah you bitch . Me neither but I just don’t read them to be honest. I’ll sometimes look at the profile first and then decide. I just scroll down most days and see if there’s any from anyone I know x
I've had worse than bitch!
If you look at the profile and you don't fancy, do you reply and say no thanks?"
No I don’t anymore. Especially if it’s obvious that they haven’t read mine. I think it’s on my profile that I don’t reply. I can’t remember x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Better than “can I ask you a question” or “you’re stunning” or “I’m in your area”.
Personally I don’t think fancy a chat is a bad one. Poor men can’t win!
Oh now I feel a bitch. But I don't have the energy for half a dozen new chats daily either.
Haha yeah you bitch . Me neither but I just don’t read them to be honest. I’ll sometimes look at the profile first and then decide. I just scroll down most days and see if there’s any from anyone I know x
I've had worse than bitch!
If you look at the profile and you don't fancy, do you reply and say no thanks?
No I don’t anymore. Especially if it’s obvious that they haven’t read mine. I think it’s on my profile that I don’t reply. I can’t remember x"
I'm updating my profile for sure and then I won't feel guilty! Freedom!  |
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The sort of 'chat' most of these people want is sex chat. It usually starts ok but quickly descends into stuff like what are you wearing?, do you like sexy knickers and worse.
Most of them just want a wank, very few make contact from hundreds of miles away just for a normal polite chat.
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I haven’t really explored forums so after being guided here I may use a bit more. When messaging people direct it’s hard to know what to put so a polite fancy a chat can break the ice for some but it sounds like others don’t like it.
Maybe I’m just naive and think that chatting helps break the ice and see if any connection. The profile catches someone’s eye then they want to say hi.
We are all different. |
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"Better than “can I ask you a question” or “you’re stunning” or “I’m in your area”.
Personally I don’t think fancy a chat is a bad one. Poor men can’t win!
Oh now I feel a bitch. But I don't have the energy for half a dozen new chats daily either.
Haha yeah you bitch . Me neither but I just don’t read them to be honest. I’ll sometimes look at the profile first and then decide. I just scroll down most days and see if there’s any from anyone I know x
I've had worse than bitch!
If you look at the profile and you don't fancy, do you reply and say no thanks?
No I don’t anymore. Especially if it’s obvious that they haven’t read mine. I think it’s on my profile that I don’t reply. I can’t remember x
I'm updating my profile for sure and then I won't feel guilty! Freedom! "
Haha. Also it stops nastiness when you say no thanks which does happen a lot. I just find it easier it’s nothing personal. It’s just a tool x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"as a newbie I Don't get those messages lol..
But if I did, I'd ask them what they want to talk about and have a conversation and see if there's a click "
I think they're pretty much from men to women. And I do wonder with my little cynical hat on - if men want to chat so much, why do they only ask women?  Haven't heard from any TV/TS peeps though? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think they're pretty much from men to women. And I do wonder with my little cynical hat on - if men want to chat so much, why do they only ask women? Haven't heard from any TV/TS peeps though? "
I've sent a few but as a total site/forum newbie I'm still getting used to etiquette and reading profiles lol... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I haven’t really explored forums so after being guided here I may use a bit more. When messaging people direct it’s hard to know what to put so a polite fancy a chat can break the ice for some but it sounds like others don’t like it.
Maybe I’m just naive and think that chatting helps break the ice and see if any connection. The profile catches someone’s eye then they want to say hi.
We are all different."
I'm afraid a lot of women like me have reason to be cynical. Because a lot of men use "wanna chat" as a way to start sexting. And also because "wanna chat" is a closed question. There are only two responses possible. Much better to ask an open and interesting question perhaps from a forum thread. I nearly always reply to those. |
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This is something I've had problems with from the other side.
I use "fancy a chat" as an opener to see if someone is interested after reading my profile.
What are my options as an opener?
Discuss the weather? Ask about hobbies? Favourite TV shows?
Why ask those questions when we're all just here to have sex?!
I'd rather get to the point and say "I'm messaging you because I'm interested in you physically", but most people here say that would be a turn off.
So I'm back to square one... Wtf am I supposed to do here?
I've tried the whole, asking hobbies and having a conversation, but in those cases it's usually all one sided, with no reciprocation from woman I'm chatting to at all, so I usually give up after a few messages.
So if anyone has any advice here, I'd appreciate it :D |
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"I get several a day on here and other sites and occasionally accompanied by "and be friends". I find these really hard to respond to or ignore. It's polite, reaching out for human contact. They make me want to scream. And yet be "nice".
What's your approach? "
I sometimes reply with "sure", though sometimes I do delete. If there's a lot of detail in their profile I might respond to that, but that doesn't happen often.
I don't accept friend requests until I'm pretty sure I'm going to meet up with someone and don't check my requests for weeks at a time before deleting them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just trying to understand this "reading profile" kink, people keep talking about. Is it really a thing?
It’s just weird, don’t worry, it will never catch on "
Haha |
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By *tue555Man
over a year ago
Passed Beyond Reach |
"T
Why ask those questions when we're all just here to have sex?!
"
If you read the posts in "why are you here" thread, you'll probably realise that it seems that mainly only guys and some couples are here for sex. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I normally open conv. with
" Would you like to have a look at my stamp collection"
If that doesn't work I go all in with my fossil collection.
It's not working at all. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I normally open conv. with
" Would you like to have a look at my stamp collection"
If that doesn't work I go all in with my fossil collection.
It's not working at all."
Do you have any more collections? I'd probably laugh if you included a photo of said collection. |
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I’m probably a bad culprit of this as some times I will ask people if they want to chat just as an in to get to know them better especially if there profile is blank or vague. It’s more of a kinder way of saying do I appeal to you from my profile and pictures |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is something I've had problems with from the other side.
I use "fancy a chat" as an opener to see if someone is interested after reading my profile.
What are my options as an opener?
Discuss the weather? Ask about hobbies? Favourite TV shows?
Why ask those questions when we're all just here to have sex?!
I'd rather get to the point and say "I'm messaging you because I'm interested in you physically", but most people here say that would be a turn off.
So I'm back to square one... Wtf am I supposed to do here?
I've tried the whole, asking hobbies and having a conversation, but in those cases it's usually all one sided, with no reciprocation from woman I'm chatting to at all, so I usually give up after a few messages.
So if anyone has any advice here, I'd appreciate it :D"
Are women looking at your profile when you message? If they are, and not replying, I'd say your profile needs looking at. It's not showing much personality if I am honest. I think personally it's a lot easier to get talking to women on the forums and then take it into messages. It works for lots of guys here. Join in a challenge, a fabbing day etc. |
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"I understand men’s frustration at there being no magic way to initiate conversation, but I ignore them all. I couldn’t be any clearer that I don’t want random new chats yet they still try… they’ve clearly not read my profile so I don’t read their message.
They’re probably trying their luck because you are inviting chat in your profile, but I doubt many have read it properly to consider if they are what you’re looking for. It’s frustrating.. "
Glad I didn’t message now pmsl |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ok so the 'lets be friends' comment in the initial message does sound a bit cringey. The fancy a chat bit is just a polite way of striking up a conversation with someone.
I get that's why men send them (it is nearly all men). But if you want a chat - that's what the forum is for. I don't want another 6 bland chats a day.
Would you just prefer straight FAF messages then?
As if I don't get those too! Much easier to just ignore and block those.
Ok ok so, what kind of messages would you like?
A little imagination? Because 9/10 are "fancy a chat" "gorgeous photos" "I'm nearby on Tues" "ooh what are your kinks". I'm sorry that men are outnumbered and have to make more effort but my profile says I enjoy conversation. I chat often with men from the forum because they can converse in the main. If someone wants to get in my knickers - write a better message! "
And the yet they may have put effort in to lots of messages before too never even get a reply or the message even read...
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ok so the 'lets be friends' comment in the initial message does sound a bit cringey. The fancy a chat bit is just a polite way of striking up a conversation with someone.
I get that's why men send them (it is nearly all men). But if you want a chat - that's what the forum is for. I don't want another 6 bland chats a day.
Would you just prefer straight FAF messages then?
As if I don't get those too! Much easier to just ignore and block those.
Ok ok so, what kind of messages would you like?
A little imagination? Because 9/10 are "fancy a chat" "gorgeous photos" "I'm nearby on Tues" "ooh what are your kinks". I'm sorry that men are outnumbered and have to make more effort but my profile says I enjoy conversation. I chat often with men from the forum because they can converse in the main. If someone wants to get in my knickers - write a better message!
And the yet they may have put effort in to lots of messages before too never even get a reply or the message even read...
"
Yeah but they're not. No effort required to write "how's you?" "Gorgeous pics" or "want to chat" especially if you copy/paste. If someone puts an effort in and is polite, I reply. Even if to say no thank you, I reply. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ok so the 'lets be friends' comment in the initial message does sound a bit cringey. The fancy a chat bit is just a polite way of striking up a conversation with someone.
I get that's why men send them (it is nearly all men). But if you want a chat - that's what the forum is for. I don't want another 6 bland chats a day.
Would you just prefer straight FAF messages then?
As if I don't get those too! Much easier to just ignore and block those.
Ok ok so, what kind of messages would you like?
A little imagination? Because 9/10 are "fancy a chat" "gorgeous photos" "I'm nearby on Tues" "ooh what are your kinks". I'm sorry that men are outnumbered and have to make more effort but my profile says I enjoy conversation. I chat often with men from the forum because they can converse in the main. If someone wants to get in my knickers - write a better message!
And the yet they may have put effort in to lots of messages before too never even get a reply or the message even read...
Yeah but they're not. No effort required to write "how's you?" "Gorgeous pics" or "want to chat" especially if you copy/paste. If someone puts an effort in and is polite, I reply. Even if to say no thank you, I reply. "
And yet lots of women complain about getting that maessage aswell...
You may well reply to messages like that but i know you will be in the minority |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ok so the 'lets be friends' comment in the initial message does sound a bit cringey. The fancy a chat bit is just a polite way of striking up a conversation with someone.
I get that's why men send them (it is nearly all men). But if you want a chat - that's what the forum is for. I don't want another 6 bland chats a day.
Would you just prefer straight FAF messages then?
As if I don't get those too! Much easier to just ignore and block those.
Ok ok so, what kind of messages would you like?
A little imagination? Because 9/10 are "fancy a chat" "gorgeous photos" "I'm nearby on Tues" "ooh what are your kinks". I'm sorry that men are outnumbered and have to make more effort but my profile says I enjoy conversation. I chat often with men from the forum because they can converse in the main. If someone wants to get in my knickers - write a better message!
And the yet they may have put effort in to lots of messages before too never even get a reply or the message even read...
Yeah but they're not. No effort required to write "how's you?" "Gorgeous pics" or "want to chat" especially if you copy/paste. If someone puts an effort in and is polite, I reply. Even if to say no thank you, I reply.
And yet lots of women complain about getting that maessage aswell...
You may well reply to messages like that but i know you will be in the minority"
Yea, I know I am in the minority. But I have closed down my messages somewhat and blocked a lot of people. I can keep on top of it - it's adding photos and videos that really get the messages out of control - suspect that's why a lot of women don't/can't reply. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You're right, my profile is a bit sparse.
I might take some time now to spice it up a bit.
A bit of cumin perhaps? :D"
sure, spice it up (but not too many dick pics!)  |
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By *arty84Man
over a year ago
Orpington |
Personally I do use if it's "ok to have a chat?"
But that's after I've done my opening, usually involving a compliment and a joke and then mentioning something about the profile.
Buuuuut here's the thing, I have noticed that a lot of women who specify on their profiles, where they say that they want someone who is an "intellectual," or they can form a "connection," with, rarely give us guys a tip for what they can start a proper conversation with.
It doesn't even have to be sex related tip, but just the slightest hint at a hobby, TV show, book or even a film they enjoy and that would be the ground work needed to get a more stimulating conversation started.
It's absolutely frustrating messaging people that want this, as I've read through their long winded profile several times (and I come back to reference it several times to construct my message), which just lists their wants and dislikes, but they haven't actually said anything about themselves personally. For example just a little tip like "I'm into comics or hikes," and then you can expect something better than "up for a chat," as we are not mind readers and need just a little bit to work with.
You could even use it as a filter, for example I came across a profile where they mentioned they had a slight obsession with 2 brothers and instantly I knew who they were talking about and so that gave me something to use to make a more interesting conversation.
The brilliant part about that line is that it's obscure and if you didn't know about the show in question, you wouldn't know who she was talking about, hence being able to use it as a filter for guys who message you.
Sorry if this came off a bit ranty and I don't mean to lecture the op, but it's super frustrating being on the other end of this topic.
Messaging women who either don't read the message you spent ages crafting or they read it don't give you a reply, it sucks as these are not easy for me to write and most of the time there's very little to work with to make the message sound original.
Although I do acknowledge it's not easy for women either as they get hundreds of messages and no one has enough time to deal with that! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Personally I do use if it's "ok to have a chat?"
But that's after I've done my opening, usually involving a compliment and a joke and then mentioning something about the profile.
Buuuuut here's the thing, I have noticed that a lot of women who specify on their profiles, where they say that they want someone who is an "intellectual," or they can form a "connection," with, rarely give us guys a tip for what they can start a proper conversation with.
It doesn't even have to be sex related tip, but just the slightest hint at a hobby, TV show, book or even a film they enjoy and that would be the ground work needed to get a more stimulating conversation started.
It's absolutely frustrating messaging people that want this, as I've read through their long winded profile several times (and I come back to reference it several times to construct my message), which just lists their wants and dislikes, but they haven't actually said anything about themselves personally. For example just a little tip like "I'm into comics or hikes," and then you can expect something better than "up for a chat," as we are not mind readers and need just a little bit to work with.
You could even use it as a filter, for example I came across a profile where they mentioned they had a slight obsession with 2 brothers and instantly I knew who they were talking about and so that gave me something to use to make a more interesting conversation.
The brilliant part about that line is that it's obscure and if you didn't know about the show in question, you wouldn't know who she was talking about, hence being able to use it as a filter for guys who message you.
Sorry if this came off a bit ranty and I don't mean to lecture the op, but it's super frustrating being on the other end of this topic.
Messaging women who either don't read the message you spent ages crafting or they read it don't give you a reply, it sucks as these are not easy for me to write and most of the time there's very little to work with to make the message sound original.
Although I do acknowledge it's not easy for women either as they get hundreds of messages and no one has enough time to deal with that! "
I find it really easy to strike up conversation online and in person - I don't know if other women on this thread also find it easy. I'd never think of crafting a message. I'd just jump in and dash something off. Regardless of what I knew about the other person. On a dating site for example. I guess I take it for granted that it's easy for me.
But shouldn't it be fairly straightforward to just ...converse with others? Isn't communication the backbone of ..everything? I take your point about hobbies and a bit more information on women's profiles but I don't look at them often. I'd never thought about it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I just say “not for me thanks”.
That seems to do the trick.
I need to just be firmer in my resolve it would seem! "
It’s actually really good practice for me, I’ve been conditioned to people please, and it’s one of the things that’s helped me break out of that. |
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"Personally I do use if it's "ok to have a chat?"
But that's after I've done my opening, usually involving a compliment and a joke and then mentioning something about the profile.
Buuuuut here's the thing, I have noticed that a lot of women who specify on their profiles, where they say that they want someone who is an "intellectual," or they can form a "connection," with, rarely give us guys a tip for what they can start a proper conversation with.
It doesn't even have to be sex related tip, but just the slightest hint at a hobby, TV show, book or even a film they enjoy and that would be the ground work needed to get a more stimulating conversation started.
It's absolutely frustrating messaging people that want this, as I've read through their long winded profile several times (and I come back to reference it several times to construct my message), which just lists their wants and dislikes, but they haven't actually said anything about themselves personally. For example just a little tip like "I'm into comics or hikes," and then you can expect something better than "up for a chat," as we are not mind readers and need just a little bit to work with.
You could even use it as a filter, for example I came across a profile where they mentioned they had a slight obsession with 2 brothers and instantly I knew who they were talking about and so that gave me something to use to make a more interesting conversation.
The brilliant part about that line is that it's obscure and if you didn't know about the show in question, you wouldn't know who she was talking about, hence being able to use it as a filter for guys who message you.
Sorry if this came off a bit ranty and I don't mean to lecture the op, but it's super frustrating being on the other end of this topic.
Messaging women who either don't read the message you spent ages crafting or they read it don't give you a reply, it sucks as these are not easy for me to write and most of the time there's very little to work with to make the message sound original.
Although I do acknowledge it's not easy for women either as they get hundreds of messages and no one has enough time to deal with that!
I find it really easy to strike up conversation online and in person - I don't know if other women on this thread also find it easy. I'd never think of crafting a message. I'd just jump in and dash something off. Regardless of what I knew about the other person. On a dating site for example. I guess I take it for granted that it's easy for me.
But shouldn't it be fairly straightforward to just ...converse with others? Isn't communication the backbone of ..everything? I take your point about hobbies and a bit more information on women's profiles but I don't look at them often. I'd never thought about it. "
It's easy for you because, and I'm guessing here, if you message a guy that is probably the only message he's got this week/month/year and he will leap on it like a dog with a bone.
So you are almost guaranteed to get a reply however little effort you put in to a message.
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By *arty84Man
over a year ago
Orpington |
"I find it really easy to strike up conversation online and in person - I don't know if other women on this thread also find it easy. I'd never think of crafting a message. I'd just jump in and dash something off. Regardless of what I knew about the other person. On a dating site for example. I guess I take it for granted that it's easy for me.
But shouldn't it be fairly straightforward to just ...converse with others? Isn't communication the backbone of ..everything? I take your point about hobbies and a bit more information on women's profiles but I don't look at them often. I'd never thought about it. "
Personally when talking in person, face to face I find it a lot easier to strike up a conversation, but online it is so much more different as the other person can't pick up on your body language and mannerisms.
It's all good that you can strike up a conversation easily, but don't forget it's usually the guy trying to approach the woman and not the other way round.
From the guys point of view its a lot harder than it looks to get a decent dialogue going, especially with little info to go by.
Granted it would be easier if the women messages the guy as it will be a lot better than the unwanted messages they are getting from other guys at the moment. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"But most of the time the 'chat' they are referring to is talk dirty to me while I wank aggressively then disappear until I'm horny again "
Yes, this is what I think also. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I don't really care about the subject. Just chat about what's on my mind at that particular time for whatever reason. My last conversation which didn't go very far was about a tape measure.
Who'd have thought a chat about tape measures wouldn't have impressed. I can feel you all falling asleep. Lol |
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"I get several a day on here and other sites and occasionally accompanied by "and be friends". I find these really hard to respond to or ignore. It's polite, reaching out for human contact. They make me want to scream. And yet be "nice".
What's your approach? "
Don’t have that problem but bulk delete I guess  |
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
I don't respond to them or if I do it's, I'm not interested.
I've always thought it's a silly question, even in the early days of the internet and the very first chat rooms and instant messengers I was already scratching my head why it is necessary to ask, which in itself is already chatting.
Just get on with it and be a bit perceptive for God's sake. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I just say “not for me thanks”.
That seems to do the trick.
I need to just be firmer in my resolve it would seem!
It’s actually really good practice for me, I’ve been conditioned to people please, and it’s one of the things that’s helped me break out of that."
I am just the same. I've been on other sites where I also had a fair number of messages but the sheer number on here is a test as I like to be polite. And I think you must get 100x the number I do. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Personally I do use if it's "ok to have a chat?"
But that's after I've done my opening, usually involving a compliment and a joke and then mentioning something about the profile.
Buuuuut here's the thing, I have noticed that a lot of women who specify on their profiles, where they say that they want someone who is an "intellectual," or they can form a "connection," with, rarely give us guys a tip for what they can start a proper conversation with.
It doesn't even have to be sex related tip, but just the slightest hint at a hobby, TV show, book or even a film they enjoy and that would be the ground work needed to get a more stimulating conversation started.
It's absolutely frustrating messaging people that want this, as I've read through their long winded profile several times (and I come back to reference it several times to construct my message), which just lists their wants and dislikes, but they haven't actually said anything about themselves personally. For example just a little tip like "I'm into comics or hikes," and then you can expect something better than "up for a chat," as we are not mind readers and need just a little bit to work with.
You could even use it as a filter, for example I came across a profile where they mentioned they had a slight obsession with 2 brothers and instantly I knew who they were talking about and so that gave me something to use to make a more interesting conversation.
The brilliant part about that line is that it's obscure and if you didn't know about the show in question, you wouldn't know who she was talking about, hence being able to use it as a filter for guys who message you.
Sorry if this came off a bit ranty and I don't mean to lecture the op, but it's super frustrating being on the other end of this topic.
Messaging women who either don't read the message you spent ages crafting or they read it don't give you a reply, it sucks as these are not easy for me to write and most of the time there's very little to work with to make the message sound original.
Although I do acknowledge it's not easy for women either as they get hundreds of messages and no one has enough time to deal with that!
I find it really easy to strike up conversation online and in person - I don't know if other women on this thread also find it easy. I'd never think of crafting a message. I'd just jump in and dash something off. Regardless of what I knew about the other person. On a dating site for example. I guess I take it for granted that it's easy for me.
But shouldn't it be fairly straightforward to just ...converse with others? Isn't communication the backbone of ..everything? I take your point about hobbies and a bit more information on women's profiles but I don't look at them often. I'd never thought about it.
It's easy for you because, and I'm guessing here, if you message a guy that is probably the only message he's got this week/month/year and he will leap on it like a dog with a bone.
So you are almost guaranteed to get a reply however little effort you put in to a message.
"
It's easy for me because I don't have to make the first move here unless I want to. It's not easy for me because I get a fair number of messages and a lot of them are graphic, rude or abusive. There are days that those messages and being treated like a set of holes really get to me. There are days when I imagine it gets to guys being rejected or ignored. There's room for empathy on both sides. But I still get to choose who I have a conversation with. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I get several a day on here and other sites and occasionally accompanied by "and be friends". I find these really hard to respond to or ignore. It's polite, reaching out for human contact. They make me want to scream. And yet be "nice".
What's your approach? "
I have my filters set to block pretty much everyone at the moment for this very reason. I don't mean or want to sound harsh or patronising but there are a lot of lonely people on here and, to be perfectly honest, I simply don't have the desire, time or patience to be a virtual friend. My own life is too busy and stressful for now. It is a shame though but sometimes you just need to focus on No1. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I get several a day on here and other sites and occasionally accompanied by "and be friends". I find these really hard to respond to or ignore. It's polite, reaching out for human contact. They make me want to scream. And yet be "nice".
What's your approach? "
“Fancy a chat?” is just a polite way of getting a 2-way conversation going. “And be my friend” would be a bit more freaky. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't respond to them or if I do it's, I'm not interested.
I've always thought it's a silly question, even in the early days of the internet and the very first chat rooms and instant messengers I was already scratching my head why it is necessary to ask, which in itself is already chatting.
Just get on with it and be a bit perceptive for God's sake."
I do find it hugely annoying but I do appreciate some of the comments made by guys about why they use it |
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"
Although I do acknowledge it's not
I find it really easy to strike up conversation online and in person - I don't know if other women on this thread also find it easy. I'd never think of crafting a message. I'd just jump in and dash something off. Regardless of what I knew about the other person. On a dating site for example. I guess I take it for granted that it's easy for me.
But shouldn't it be fairly straightforward to just ...converse with others? Isn't communication the backbone of ..everything? I take your point about hobbies and a bit more information on women's profiles but I don't look at them often. I'd never thought about it.
It's easy for you because, and I'm guessing here, if you message a guy that is probably the only message he's got this week/month/year and he will leap on it like a dog with a bone.
So you are almost guaranteed to get a reply however little effort you put in to a message.
It's easy for me because I don't have to make the first move here unless I want to. It's not easy for me because I get a fair number of messages and a lot of them are graphic, rude or abusive. There are days that those messages and being treated like a set of holes really get to me. There are days when I imagine it gets to guys being rejected or ignored. There's room for empathy on both sides. But I still get to choose who I have a conversation with. "
Oh absolutely. It's swings and roundabouts for both sexes.
I look forward to getting a message, but I can see that dozens a day would be wearing. And nasty/abusive/crude ones must be horrible to read all the time.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I get several a day on here and other sites and occasionally accompanied by "and be friends". I find these really hard to respond to or ignore. It's polite, reaching out for human contact. They make me want to scream. And yet be "nice".
What's your approach?
“Fancy a chat?” is just a polite way of getting a 2-way conversation going. “And be my friend” would be a bit more freaky."
I guess it's just that some women are a little sick of fancy a chat if that's all that's in the message. "Will you be my friend" regularly freaks me! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I find it really easy to strike up conversation online and in person - I don't know if other women on this thread also find it easy. I'd never think of crafting a message. I'd just jump in and dash something off. Regardless of what I knew about the other person. On a dating site for example. I guess I take it for granted that it's easy for me.
But shouldn't it be fairly straightforward to just ...converse with others? Isn't communication the backbone of ..everything? I take your point about hobbies and a bit more information on women's profiles but I don't look at them often. I'd never thought about it.
Personally when talking in person, face to face I find it a lot easier to strike up a conversation, but online it is so much more different as the other person can't pick up on your body language and mannerisms.
It's all good that you can strike up a conversation easily, but don't forget it's usually the guy trying to approach the woman and not the other way round.
From the guys point of view its a lot harder than it looks to get a decent dialogue going, especially with little info to go by.
Granted it would be easier if the women messages the guy as it will be a lot better than the unwanted messages they are getting from other guys at the moment. "
That's fair. Personally I tend to talk to men from the forums. I can't get to many events. It's rare that someone who messages reads my profile and is the kind of man I'm interested in. I can and will message men who interest me, but it's not often. I can understand the frustration on both sides - there's no easy answer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My suggestion would be perhaps to talk about they're latest dick pic (or strap-on if a lady). Guys on here seem to send them obsessively, so surely there's a rich vein of conversation there? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My suggestion would be perhaps to talk about they're latest dick pic (or strap-on if a lady). Guys on here seem to send them obsessively, so surely there's a rich vein of conversation there? "
That's on the same level as weather for me  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I usually tell them I'm busy at my dads funeral. "
um, how long have you been busy at your dad's funeral?
I have no idea how much is real, so if you have lost your dad, I'm very sorry  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I usually tell them I'm busy at my dads funeral.
um, how long have you been busy at your dad's funeral?
I have no idea how much is real, so if you have lost your dad, I'm very sorry "
I'm always busy at my dad's funeral. Hahah don't be sorry! He's dead but it's fine. It's a good excuse though but doesn't put some people off.
I think the best thing to do is just stop feeling like you have to be nice. I'd love to be able to personally respond to each message but you don't owe anyone a chat or even just a no thanks, especially when the majority are only after some quick sex chat.
Maybe stick something on your profile thanking people and letting them know that you do appreciate the messages but if you don't respond that's you saying a polite no? I'd also tighten your filters as much as possible so you're only getting messages from those who fit the exact criteria you're seeking.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I usually tell them I'm busy at my dads funeral.
um, how long have you been busy at your dad's funeral?
I have no idea how much is real, so if you have lost your dad, I'm very sorry
I'm always busy at my dad's funeral. Hahah don't be sorry! He's dead but it's fine. It's a good excuse though but doesn't put some people off.
I think the best thing to do is just stop feeling like you have to be nice. I'd love to be able to personally respond to each message but you don't owe anyone a chat or even just a no thanks, especially when the majority are only after some quick sex chat.
Maybe stick something on your profile thanking people and letting them know that you do appreciate the messages but if you don't respond that's you saying a polite no? I'd also tighten your filters as much as possible so you're only getting messages from those who fit the exact criteria you're seeking. "
Thank you. I'd never thought of myself as particularly nice but I find it incredibly hard to be rude. But it means I end up having "chats" with men I don't fancy and I don't want to talk to. I rewrote my profile this morning. And I will try and stick to the "no chats unless I fancy" rule!  |
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"I get several a day on here and other sites and occasionally accompanied by "and be friends". I find these really hard to respond to or ignore. It's polite, reaching out for human contact. They make me want to scream. And yet be "nice".
What's your approach? "
I reply to say that I am always happy to have non sexual interesting conversation.
It s out those wanting wank material |
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