FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Best jokes please…
Best jokes please…
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It’s that time again, can I have your best jokes please. The more Dadd-ish the better  |
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If I step on a cornflake does that make me a cereal killer? |
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My wife’s just asked me if I’ve seen the dog bowl.
I said to be honest I never knew he played cricket  |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
Worst thing to say in a job interview:-
“Does your company block porno websites and how long do I get for toilet breaks? “
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My wife’s just asked me if I’ve seen the dog bowl.
I said to be honest I never knew he played cricket "
Hahaha, that’s brilliant |
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Did you hear about the two lads found drinking battery acid and licking gun powder.
The police charged one and let the other off. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the two lads found drinking battery acid and licking gun powder.
The police charged one and let the other off."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they aarrrrh! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What’s a pirates favourite football team?
Aaarrrsenal |
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Being serious, our very good friend just passed away from indigestion. We can't believe Gav is gone  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I entered a sperm donor competition.
I won it single-handedly |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My mum just found out I replaced her bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s that time again, can I have your best jokes please. The more Dadd-ish the better "
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a bridge?
Tequila |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My mum just found out I replaced her bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My dog, Minton, has just eaten a shuttlecock.
Bad Minton. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My dog, Minton, has just eaten a shuttlecock.
Bad Minton. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two cannibals eating a clown - one turns to the other, makes a  face and says does this taste funny to you |
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"If I step on a cornflake does that make me a cereal killer?"
.. no only if the first thing you say in the morning is "I could murder a bowl of cornflakes!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It only takes me 10 minutes to get to the bar and an hour to get back.
The difference is staggering |
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My wife checked on my browser history last week, saw that I'd been looking at "cheap flights", so when I got home, she threw her arms around me, dragged me upstairs and we had the best sex we'd had in years... fantastic!!
And to be honest I didn't even know she liked DARTS! |
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What do you call a man with a small penis?
Justin |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What’s grey sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad |
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My wife didn't believe I could build a bike out of lasagna sheets.
Should have seen her face when I rode pasta.
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By *ony 2016Man
over a year ago
Huddersfield /derby cinemas |
The man who took an airline to court when they misplaced his luggage lost his case |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
I’ll never forget my Grandads last words…
“Are you sure it’s safe to store 1 tonne of fireworks in the kitchen? “ |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
Q: What’s warm, wet, and pink?
A: A pig in a hot tub. |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It´s a ShihTzu!!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call a man with a small penis?
Justin"
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What do you call a man with no penis?
Tintin |
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Try this on your friends
Ask them, while having a puzzled/ forgetful look on your face and tapping your fingers in mid air.
"What's that special writing that deaf people use?"
I guarantee you they'll say 'Braille'
To which you reply immediately, "No..that's what blind people use"
Gets em everytime
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went for a walk earlier and passed a man in the local graveyard. I shouted "Morning!"
He said "No, just walking the dog" |
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By *weedeldumbCouple (MM)
over a year ago
Leeds & Harrogate |
Went past the local undertakers and noticed they were now offering a brand new range of glass coffins.
Will they prove popular? Remains to be seen |
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A priest, rapist, peadaphile, murderer walk into a pub....and that's just the first guy! |
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Did you hear about the cat that hi-jacked the plane?
It said take me to the canneries!
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I quite shocked earlier today. At first I was very pleased as this absolutely gorgeous 21 year old babe with blonde hair and huge tits smiled and walked towards me.
However, I was caught completely off guard when she offered me a blow job in return for marketing some cleaning products!
Of course I declined being a man of impeccable moral standards and very strong will power. Just as strong as Squeeky-Klean, now the #1 choice of bathroom cleaner. Available in both original Fresh Pine and brand new Citrus Lemon... |
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I used to be a gay necrophiliac until some rotten asshole split on me... |
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[Removed by poster at 14/09/21 02:59:32] |
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By *jfrenchMan
over a year ago
Stockport |
[Removed by poster at 14/09/21 03:02:59] |
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Why do penguins stay in pairs?
Because ..freezer crowd
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy
Sorry I was eating penguins  |
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By *jfrenchMan
over a year ago
Stockport |
Oh sad news, very sad news. I've just heard my favourite Italian soup maker has gone bust. Yeah, I was most distressed when I read they'd gone into administrone
To make matters worse I was in bed with my girlfriend and completely out of the blue she said "I'm sorry, I'm breaking up with you... you're just far too kinky for me."
I mean I was gobsmacked. I nearly gagged on her shit when she said it. |
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By *hindyMan
over a year ago
Mayfair |
I were a bit peckish so I nipped into our local chippy. But I weren't happy. I said "I'm sorry but I think this fish is a bit under done"
"What makes you say that?" puzzled the proprietor.
"Its eaten all me fucking chips!" |
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Reginald Smith - writer of the "Okey Cokey" - has sadly died aged 107.
However, there was something of a "kerfuffle" during his funeral. It all started when his body was being carefully placed in the coffin.
They put his left leg in... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My wife didn't believe I could build a bike out of lasagna sheets.
Should have seen her face when I rode pasta.
"
I’m ashamed to admit, I laughed out loud at this one , (and I’m stealing it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on! |
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I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
What's the differance between a Scottish prostitute and a Scottish football match ?
One is an ooor and the other is an oor n alf . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a three legged donkey? A Wonkey
What do you call a three legged male donkey? A Willy Wonkey
What do you call a three legged one eyed male donkey? A Winkey Willy Wonkey
What do you call a three legged one eyed male donkey playing banjo? A Honky Winkey Willy Wonkey |
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When I was driving the other day a snake landed on the windscreen!
I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure it was a Windscreen Viper. |
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What famous actor can pop up out of a toaster?
Bread Pitt |
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In ancient egypt they had no doorbells only bike horns.
When you'd go to the front door of a pyramid. Youd just Toot-an-come-in. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think my dyslexic friend is gay but he is in daniel |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One sex worker to another:
You ever been picked up by the fuzz?
Reply:
No, but I've been swung round by the tits. |
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By *oktokMan
over a year ago
Sheffield |
[Removed by poster at 15/09/21 07:16:40] |
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By *oktokMan
over a year ago
Sheffield |
I fell in the garden last night, I shouted up to the missus.. "CALL ME AN AMBULANCE"...she opened the window "Mark, you're an ambulance!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
Sad news, my father died last night. He drowned in a bowl of museli. A strong currant pulled him in.
It was similar to how his father went, he worked in Nestles factory and fell into a vat of coffee. The only consolation was that it was instant.
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"Sad news, my father died last night. He drowned in a bowl of museli. A strong currant pulled him in.
It was similar to how his father went, he worked in Nestles factory and fell into a vat of coffee. The only consolation was that it was instant.
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Very sorry to hear that.
I would like to die like my grandfather, peacefully and quietly in my sleep. Not screaming in terror like the passengers on the bus he was driving. |
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An English man, a french man, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands on a wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me, now?"
"Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts cost around a dollar fifty and deer nuts are just under a buck |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A cucumber, a pickle and a penis all meet at a bar the cucumber says "man I have the worst luck when I get big a juicy someone slices me up and throws me on to a pile of leaves" the pickle glares at the cucumber and retorts " you think that sucks when ever I get big and juicey someone cuts me up, pours vinegar on me and puts me in a jar" the penis furiously says to them both " well if you two clowns thing that's bad when I get big and juicy someone throws a tarp over my head, shoves me in a dark room and repeatedly bangs my head against the wall until I throw up" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve recently been very successful in my home yacht building business. Sails have gone through the roof! |
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"I’ve recently been very successful in my home yacht building business. Sails have gone through the roof!"
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By *amo555Man
over a year ago
Othery |
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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By *eardybobMan
over a year ago
the Goldilocks Zone |
I have a Russian friend who works as a sound engineer... and a Czech one - a Czech one too... |
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By *jl1972Man
over a year ago
Bournemouth |
A man walks into a cafe and looks at the menu:
Bacon roll - £3.00
Bacon and egg roll - £4.00
Sausage, bacon and egg roll - £4.50
Wanks - £35
As soon as he has read the menu a hot, young blond comes out from the kitchen.
"That's an interesting menu you have there" says the man.
The woman replies "Yes it is rather"
"And can I ask, are you the one who does the wanks?" he replies.
She smiles and says "Yes, I am as it happens"
The man takes a moment and says "Well would you mind washing your hands my dear, I would like a bacon roll please".
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two tigers escaped from London zoo and were strolling down Oxford Street when one turned to the other and said "it's not very busy for a Saturday lunchtime, is it?" |
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i spent a few moments wondering why the cricket ball kept getting bigger .... then it hit me |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Two tigers escaped from London zoo and were strolling down Oxford Street when one turned to the other and said "it's not very busy for a Saturday lunchtime, is it?""
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how do you give a duck soul?
put in the oven until it's bill withers |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"how do you give a duck soul?
put in the oven until it's bill withers "
Haha |
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what should you do when clowns attack?
go straight for the juggler |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How many vicars does it take to screw in a light bulb.
Nun |
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By *r.SJMan
over a year ago
Wellingborough |
A woman goes to her gynaecologist...
"What seems to be the problem?" Asks the doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The doctor takes a look and chuckles, "those aren't postage stamps, they're the stickers off of bananas" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." |
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I was walking to the shop by mine and I saw a sign outside a house saying “talking dog for sale”. I thought to myself, I’m going to have a look at this. I had the time and it would make a boss story because the person selling the dog was obviously mad.
I knocked at the door, trying to hold my laugh in when this man answered. I told him I’d come to see the dog, he took me into the back. This black lab was sat at the top of the garden under a tree, the fella said, “there’s the dog mate, give me a knock when you’re done”. It was a bit of an anti climax though because the fella seemed, well, normal.
So I said to the dog, “hello mate, I’m Ste, I believe you can talk.”
The dog looked up and said, clear as anything, “how are you doing Ste? I’m Toby, pleased to meet you!”
Well my jaw hit the floor, I never expected the dog to actually talk! So I asked Toby to tell me a bit about himself. He told me all about his life, how from being a young pup he was taken away by the CIA and was their most valuable asset. He went into meetings with world leaders and fed information back because not one person would expect the dog to be a spy. He told me that got too much and he wanted a life so he left the CIA and got a job in Manchester airport as security. He’d follow terror suspects about and foiled loads of terrorist plots. He said he wanted to settle down and have a few pups so he left there and here he was now.
I was gobsmacked and had to have him. I knocked on the door and asked the man how much he wanted.
“A tenner” he said…
“No, I want to keep him!” I told the man
“Yeah, you can have him for a tenner!” He told me.
“What? Are you joking? The dogs amazing! He’s told me all about himself, why only a tenner?” I asked him.
He looked at me square in the face and said, “because he’s a lying bastard, he’s never been out of the back garden!” |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was walking to the shop by mine and I saw a sign outside a house saying “talking dog for sale”. I thought to myself, I’m going to have a look at this. I had the time and it would make a boss story because the person selling the dog was obviously mad.
I knocked at the door, trying to hold my laugh in when this man answered. I told him I’d come to see the dog, he took me into the back. This black lab was sat at the top of the garden under a tree, the fella said, “there’s the dog mate, give me a knock when you’re done”. It was a bit of an anti climax though because the fella seemed, well, normal.
So I said to the dog, “hello mate, I’m Ste, I believe you can talk.”
The dog looked up and said, clear as anything, “how are you doing Ste? I’m Toby, pleased to meet you!”
Well my jaw hit the floor, I never expected the dog to actually talk! So I asked Toby to tell me a bit about himself. He told me all about his life, how from being a young pup he was taken away by the CIA and was their most valuable asset. He went into meetings with world leaders and fed information back because not one person would expect the dog to be a spy. He told me that got too much and he wanted a life so he left the CIA and got a job in Manchester airport as security. He’d follow terror suspects about and foiled loads of terrorist plots. He said he wanted to settle down and have a few pups so he left there and here he was now.
I was gobsmacked and had to have him. I knocked on the door and asked the man how much he wanted.
“A tenner” he said…
“No, I want to keep him!” I told the man
“Yeah, you can have him for a tenner!” He told me.
“What? Are you joking? The dogs amazing! He’s told me all about himself, why only a tenner?” I asked him.
He looked at me square in the face and said, “because he’s a lying bastard, he’s never been out of the back garden!”"
That was a long read, but it did make me laugh |
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My local farmer had an award for his scarecrow on Saturday night. It was because he was outstanding in his field |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am laughing my ass off here, excellent stuff. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man trained his dog to play the trumpet on the Underground, it went from Barking to Tooting in 10 minutes... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A cucumber, a pickle and a penis all meet at a bar the cucumber says "man I have the worst luck when I get big a juicy someone slices me up and throws me on to a pile of leaves" the pickle glares at the cucumber and retorts " you think that sucks when ever I get big and juicey someone cuts me up, pours vinegar on me and puts me in a jar" the penis furiously says to them both " well if you two clowns thing that's bad when I get big and juicy someone throws a tarp over my head, shoves me in a dark room and repeatedly bangs my head against the wall until I throw up" "
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By *nly4funMan
over a year ago
Nottingham |
Sean Connery is being interviewed by a fanzine.
So, Mr Connery, lots of our ladies want to know what type of material you like against your privates. Are you a silk or satin man?
“Ah yesh”, replies Sean, “I’ve been arshted that queshtion before. “I like my underpanshts to be shilk, definitely not shatin. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sean Connery is being interviewed by a fanzine.
So, Mr Connery, lots of our ladies want to know what type of material you like against your privates. Are you a silk or satin man?
“Ah yesh”, replies Sean, “I’ve been arshted that queshtion before. “I like my underpanshts to be shilk, definitely not shatin."
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i was k1dnapped and held captive by a troupe of mime artists .... they did unspeakable things to me |
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Whats invisible and smells of carrots?
Rabbit farts |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've heard that British children are kind but German children are kinder |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why is milk so fast?
Because it's pasteurise before you know it |
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By *yronMan
over a year ago
grangemouth |
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Saw a bloke swinging on the gate in the front garden. I didn’t say anything, though, in case he took offence |
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By *ewfie02Couple
over a year ago
Ayrshire |
Poor old Boycie died this week. RIP. Great actor. His will requested that he be buried in his back garden..... Under the green green grass of home. |
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
What do you call a girl hanging from a goal post?
Annette |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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2 dyslexics in a kitchen, ones says to the other “ can you smell gas ?” The other one says “ I can’t even smell my own name” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A wee boy and a wee girl playing together......the wee boy pulls his shorts and pants down and says....."i bet you havent got one of these ?".............so the wee girl lifts her skirt and pulls her pants down and says........" my mum says if you have one of these.....you can have as many of them as you want !!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My friend didn’t believe me when I said I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, she couldn’t believe her eyes when I rode pasta! |
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Why did the Mexican carpet fitter get fired?
Because he used to much underlay underlay underlay |
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Why did the Mexican shoot his wife ?
TEQUILA |
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I was walking the dog this morning by the canal and he jumped in and couldn’t get out. I’m not the best swimmer so was panicking. This German fella didn’t hesitate, he just jumped in and got my dog for me. He passed him to me and said, “take him home, dry him with a towel and let him sit by the fire for an hour or so and he will be just fine!”
I said, “thank you so so much! Are you a vet?”
He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking!” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My friend didn’t believe me when I said I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, she couldn’t believe her eyes when I rode pasta!"
My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
I’m feeling cannelloni |
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I woke up this morning wondering which way the sun rises.... Then it dawned on me.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why doesn't 6 like 7.
Because 7 8 9. |
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By *ockey64Man
over a year ago
Gloucester |
3 tins of boot polish rolling doon the street. What one is the musketeer? The dark tan yin |
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Why is a koala not considered a bear?
It doesn't have the koala-fications! |
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I've just been diagnosed, I'm colour blind, the news came right of the yellow
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I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My mate called me there . He’s missus left him ! Took he’s sky remote and Bob Marley cd !! … no woman no sky |
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A work colleague recently fell off a ferry and drowned at sea. We all went to his funeral. We got him a wreath in the shape of a life raft. It is what he would have wanted. |
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To the person who stole my place in the queue…
I’m after you
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A man walks in to a bar with some tarmac under his arm and says to the barman “I’ll have 1 for me and 1 for the road” |
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
I took my dog to the vets as he was cross eyed. The vet picked him up examined him and said "right, I'm going to have to put him down"
I replied shocked "you can't put a dog down just because he's crossed eyed"
"No, said the vet, I'm putting him down coz he's bloody heavy" |
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My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one to cheer her up. All she said was "Now, what am I going to do with two dead dogs?" |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
Did you hear about the guy who broke his left arm and his left leg???
Apparently he is ALL right now |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I threw a ball for my dog..
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was
his birthday and he looks great in a
Tuxedo. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's got four legs, is green, red, yellow, blue brown, pink and black and if it fell out of a tree and hit you on the head, it would kill you? |
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What have a Tupperware tub and a Walrus have in common..?
They both like a tight seal... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What's got four legs, is green, red, yellow, blue brown, pink and black and if it fell out of a tree and hit you on the head, it would kill you? "
Tell me…. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's got four legs, is green, red, yellow, blue brown, pink and black and if it fell out of a tree and hit you on the head, it would kill you?
Tell me…. "
A snooker table. (sorry, really really sorry, it's dreadful) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What's got four legs, is green, red, yellow, blue brown, pink and black and if it fell out of a tree and hit you on the head, it would kill you?
Tell me….
A snooker table. (sorry, really really sorry, it's dreadful) "
It’s not dreadful, it’s excellent (better taste in jokes is available elsewhere ) |
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Give a man a fish and he can feed himself for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can get rid of him at weekends. |
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Hippy your status updates make me laugh every day! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 01/10/21 22:05:39] |
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My mates just had a baby boy and called him Lance , you do not hear that name often nowadays, which is surprising as in medeval times they used the name Lance a lot, |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A guy walks into a pub with a giraffe. He says to the barman “pint for me and one for the giraffe”
After 4hours the man is nearly out of money and the giraffe d*unk on the floor. The landlord comes into the bar and says “what’s the lyin there?”
The guy says it’s not a Lion, it’s a giraffe.
Bubum…. Tiss |
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By *an4funMan
over a year ago
london |
"I quite shocked earlier today. At first I was very pleased as this absolutely gorgeous 21 year old babe with blonde hair and huge tits smiled and walked towards me.
However, I was caught completely off guard when she offered me a blow job in return for marketing some cleaning products!
Of course I declined being a man of impeccable moral standards and very strong will power. Just as strong as Squeeky-Klean, now the #1 choice of bathroom cleaner. Available in both original Fresh Pine and brand new Citrus Lemon..."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was doing a bit of role play with the missus to spice things up. I walked in from work, shut the door, all of a sudden the cupboard door opens amd the wife jumps out wearing nothing but a cape. 'super vagina!!' she yells. I look at her and say, 'If it's all the same to you I'll have the soup please!!' |
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Saw some graffiti on a wall the other day - “dyslexics of the world untie” |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Saw some graffiti on a wall the other day - “dyslexics of the world untie”"
That made me laugh
Can I steal it? |
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I tried to spice up my love life, suggested we have sex outdoors in a multi storey car park. She wasn't keen, she said it was wrong on so many levels |
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When I got home last night my wife met me at the front door, dragged me upstairs and we made mad passionate love. Afterwards I said to her "wow you must have been feeling really horny" and she replied "no not really,but the egg timer is broken"
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Guy walks into a pub and orders five double whiskeys, the barman starts pouring the drinks and as fast as he can pour them the guy swigs them down, just before he puts the last one to his lips he says to the barman i shouldn't really be drinking these with what I've got, the barman, imagining some horrible illness asks why pal what have you got? The man downs the last shot then turns out his pockets and replies fuck all pal haha  |
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Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
She outgrew her b-shells! |
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I scared the postwoman today by coming to the door naked, I don't know what shocked her more the fact I was naked or that I knew where she lived |
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What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say you’re sorry. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What noise does a mushroom car make? Shrrrooooom! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Mummy! Mummy!!! What's a genetic mutation?"
"Stop sucking your ear dear and I'll tell you" |
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By *ob08Man
over a year ago
Macclesfield |
There was an Englishman an Irishman a Scotsman and an Indian in a bar............oh wait I can't tell that one anymore |
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By *azkinsWoman
over a year ago
leeds |
A police man knocks at the door. When a man answers he says "looks like your wife's Been hit by a bus. The man replies" yeah but she's good with the kids". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had 12 yogurts last night……. I was mullered |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 02/10/21 01:42:43] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's brown and sticky?
A stick!"
Anal? Lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My girlfriend told me that i exaggerated too much xx i was so shocked i nearly tripped over my cock |
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Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop" |
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My wife beamed at me with pride and said, "Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!" I said: "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter." |
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By *azkinsWoman
over a year ago
leeds |
What do you call a Russian prostitute?.
A) gerronya backyabitch. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes true
Man walks into a cafe and reads the sandwich menu….
Bacon £2
Sausage £2
Bacon and sausage £3
Bacon and egg £2.60
Wank £5
The guy asks the sexy looking woman behind the counter “are you the woman who does the wanks for a fiver?”
“Yes” she replies
“Well then go and wash your hands, I want a bacon sandwich!” |
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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock. |
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" I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "
this, |
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Why doesn't any man need more than one Cockerell?
A cock a dude'll do. |
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"My wife beamed at me with pride and said, "Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!" I said: "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.""
also this, great thred OP. |
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Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend? |
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Who won the 1940 tour de france? 5th german panzer devision..
What did the zero say to the eight? nice belt.
What's red and not there? No tomatoes
16 types of fungus in a lift, one says, there's not mushroom in here
I'll get my coat |
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By *yes146Man
over a year ago
London |
New pill discovered - half prozac, half viagra.
"If you don't get a fuck; you don't give a fuck" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you know that diarrhoea is hereditary??
It runs in the jeans!
Sorry...not sorry |
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So my long term girlfriend is anorexic. But I'v been seeing less and less of her recently. |
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By *azkinsWoman
over a year ago
leeds |
Hoe do you make a hormone?. A) refuse to pay her. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s that time again, can I have your best jokes please. The more Dadd-ish the better "
You already have the beat jokes FA |
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Walked past a cake shop earlier and a sign read ‘all cakes 50p’ , but then I noticed one cake was a £1.
So I went inside and said why’s that cake £1 and the shopkeeper said ‘ that’s Madeira cake’ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I once dated a cross-eyed girl, but dumped her when I suspected she was seeing someone on the side. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Old McDonald had Tourette’s
E I E I cunt |
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"Old McDonald had Tourette’s
E I E I cunt"
Hahahahaha |
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By *omer47Man
over a year ago
leigh |
Paddy and Murphy walking along a river bank when paddy sees this black man being eaten by a crocodile, and turns to Murphy and says, "look at that flash twat in his lacoste sleeping bag ". |
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What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
Slobberdan Makokyabtch. |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
Minnie told Mickey she wanted to divorce him.
“Are you fucking serious?” he asked.
“No. I’m fucking goofy!” Minnie replied. |
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The latest addition to the world of wrestling.
From Russia, its Hugh Janikabolockov. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The other week I was fishing on the river bank when a funeral procession came past on the other side. Suddenly a chap got up to his feet, took off his cap and bowed his head. Once he sat down I said to the man I thought that was very kind of him. His reply "I thought I better had, I was married to her for 30 years". |
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Have you heard about the new superhero called Aluminium Man?
Any bad guys he meets have their plans foiled. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The old classic
Doctor Doctor i think I'm a pair of curtains
Ohh pull yourself together man |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The other week I was fishing on the river bank when a funeral procession came past on the other side. Suddenly a chap got up to his feet, took off his cap and bowed his head. Once he sat down I said to the man I thought that was very kind of him. His reply "I thought I better had, I was married to her for 30 years"."
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