FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > teouble children

teouble children

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

im in a relasionship with a lovely woman, however ive spent a few days at her houe, and the oldest child is really not taking to me for some raeson, he had a right go at me the other day, child in question is 21, never had a job, does pay a small anount of rent but doesnt so anything in the house, how do i go about this, if it was my kid i would give him a slap and ban him from what he likes the best, but hes not mine, and its driving a wedge between us?

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By *uenevereWoman over a year ago

Scunthorpe

Step back... he's an adult and not your responsibility.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Step back... he's an adult and not your responsibility. "

i agree, but hes getting in the way of our relationship

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

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By *uenevereWoman over a year ago

Scunthorpe

"Step back... he's an adult and not your responsibility.

i agree, but hes getting in the way of our relationship"

This is really something you need to resolve between you.

If you can't, it could just eat away at the relationship.

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By *uddy laneMan over a year ago

dudley

Children are forever relationships come and go.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

sorry about the bad spelling on the headline, my bad im dislexic

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others "

thank you for the advise, ive tried that, he says one thing and does the other, im not going to give up on the relathionship, i love her, but hate the child, hes a free loading work shy wanker who does nothing around the house, i have no respect for him

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Step back... he's an adult and not your responsibility.

i agree, but hes getting in the way of our relationship

This is really something you need to resolve between you.

If you can't, it could just eat away at the relationship. "

it is already, but i love her and not ready to give up on her

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

Do you think you should get involved with?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

Do you think you should get involved with? "

im already involved

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Not your issue. Keep your nose out.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

yea but hes her free loading work shy wanker haha so if you get involved without her consent u could drive a wedge but its up to you a bit of reality might wake him up

if something bad happens between him and you blood is usually thicker than water so u need to make sure mrs agrees with your view

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By *KAholeandgloryCouple over a year ago

exeter

"im in a relasionship with a lovely woman, however ive spent a few days at her houe, and the oldest child is really not taking to me for some raeson, he had a right go at me the other day, child in question is 21, never had a job, does pay a small anount of rent but doesnt so anything in the house, how do i go about this, if it was my kid i would give him a slap and ban him from what he likes the best, but hes not mine, and its driving a wedge between us?"

How long you been in this lads life?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Don't do anything. Not your place or responsibility. If you and your partner are allowing this to get between you then that's the issue that needs sorting.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman over a year ago

On a mooch

If some of the things you are saying here you are saying to your partner about her child, I’m not surprised causing a wedge.

Your relation is with her and not the child, who is an adult

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

Do you think you should get involved with?

im already involved"

With him, and his behaviour?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

How long you been in this lads life?"
only a couple of years, his dad sadly died in a car crash, we have been together a few yaers, i feel he resents me

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

Than that's the issue right there.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 29/08/21 22:34:07]

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"If some of the things you are saying here you are saying to your partner about her child, I’m not surprised causing a wedge.

Your relation is with her and not the child, who is an adult "

i try not to tell her, but she picks up on things

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By *imi_RougeWoman over a year ago

Portsmouth

He's an adult, and he's not yours. So just don't interact with him.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it."

so i should split with the woman i love?

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By *alandNitaCouple over a year ago

Scunthorpe

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

I do think that you apparent hatred of the guy is probably not going to help the situation. Maybe you could do with a bit of reset?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it."

Exactly and as its a couples profile she could well see this.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Not your issue. Keep your nose out. "

At the moment you sound like the wanker that needs to mind their own business. You'll lose out if you don't.

Not sure why you think you need to interfere tbh

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By *ookie46Woman over a year ago

Deepest darkest Peru

Is the lady in question the one on this couple profile? Just she will have access to this and if it were me I'd not be very happy having my son discussed on a public forum no matter what age

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"He's an adult, and he's not yours. So just don't interact with him.

problem is he lives at hers, we cant always be at mine, she also has two other kids who are a joy, and have taken to me in a big way, wouldnt be fair on them

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it.

Exactly and as its a couples profile she could well see this. "

she knows my thoughts, and tbh feels the same, try not to be to judgementle please, im asking if someone had any ideas, not for a slagging off

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By *ackformore100Man over a year ago

Tin town

Tricky one... I've had 12 years of a similar situation to reflect upon.

Start as you mean to go on. Whatever any values you have.

Second, she will always choose her son over boyfriend...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it.

so i should split with the woman i love?"

Did I say that? No, but back off most definitely....It is obvious you don't like him, and tbh if I was your partner and saw you speak about my boy with such vitriol you'd be gone

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it.

Exactly and as its a couples profile she could well see this.

she knows my thoughts, and tbh feels the same, try not to be to judgementle please, im asking if someone had any ideas, not for a slagging off"

But you just said you try not to tell her so how does she know your feelings and your not being slagged off, people are giving their opinions which is what you asked for.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it.

so i should split with the woman i love?

Did I say that? No, but back off most definitely....It is obvious you don't like him, and tbh if I was your partner and saw you speak about my boy with such vitriol you'd be gone"

Exactly this.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it.

Exactly and as its a couples profile she could well see this.

she knows my thoughts, and tbh feels the same, try not to be to judgementle please, im asking if someone had any ideas, not for a slagging off

But you just said you try not to tell her so how does she know your feelings and your not being slagged off, people are giving their opinions which is what you asked for."

ok fair point, she knows my feelings towards him, i just dont see a way out, im lost for ideas, was hoping for some advise, but i fear the poster who said the child will always come first is right

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By *sm265Woman over a year ago

Shangri-la

I'd tread very carefully OP, whilst at 21 he is an adult, he is still her child. Your dislike of him is very apparent in this post, I very much doubt that this woman feels the way you do about her own offspring.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Op, try and put yourself in their situation, actually properly on their situation, and look at it from hers and his point of view.

Do you think you should be getting involved in the way she speaks to her son, and how he behaves? Do you think it’s your place to do that?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it.

Exactly and as its a couples profile she could well see this.

she knows my thoughts, and tbh feels the same, try not to be to judgementle please, im asking if someone had any ideas, not for a slagging off

But you just said you try not to tell her so how does she know your feelings and your not being slagged off, people are giving their opinions which is what you asked for.

ok fair point, she knows my feelings towards him, i just dont see a way out, im lost for ideas, was hoping for some advise, but i fear the poster who said the child will always come first is right"

Children will and should always come first, not sure why you seem surprised by this.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

He's not a child at 21, he's a man, so treat him like one. Take him to the pub, get a few beers in him and get know him. You'll either end up as mates or you'll end up fighting, but at least you'll know where you stand.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"He's not a child at 21, he's a man, so treat him like one. Take him to the pub, get a few beers in him and get know him. You'll either end up as mates or you'll end up fighting, but at least you'll know where you stand. "

tried that

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

even offered him a job but he turned it down, to much work aperently

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

And that right there is the problem

( but hate the child, hes a free loading work shy wanker who does nothing around the house, i have no respect for him )

First off he’s not your child

Secondly if I was his mother you be gone for speeking about my child like that no matter what he dose or dosent do

See instead off trying to intervine bween him and his mother

Why not just be there for his mother to listen to the problems be a shoulder for her to cry on be there to console her when see needs it but it’s not your place to step in

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By *ed VoluptaWoman over a year ago

Wirral.

Speaking as someone who doesn't have kids, I can understand that you may feel that way about him. Let's be honest, other people's kids can be a nightmare (not all!)

But I think you need to think this through properly. No parent wants to hear their kids being critisized, even if they slag them off!

Secondly, the kids came before you. You must have accepted that they came as a package, and were happy to embark upon the relationship You can't pick and choose which kids you want in your life.

What I would do is accept his feelings, explain how you feel to your partner (or show her this thread!) and maybe not spend as much time in his company.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it.

Exactly and as its a couples profile she could well see this.

she knows my thoughts, and tbh feels the same, try not to be to judgementle please, im asking if someone had any ideas, not for a slagging off

But you just said you try not to tell her so how does she know your feelings and your not being slagged off, people are giving their opinions which is what you asked for.

ok fair point, she knows my feelings towards him, i just dont see a way out, im lost for ideas, was hoping for some advise, but i fear the poster who said the child will always come first is right

Children will and should always come first, not sure why you seem surprised by this. "

Exactly that, my boys are pushing 30 and they would still come first

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it.

Exactly and as its a couples profile she could well see this.

she knows my thoughts, and tbh feels the same, try not to be to judgementle please, im asking if someone had any ideas, not for a slagging off

But you just said you try not to tell her so how does she know your feelings and your not being slagged off, people are giving their opinions which is what you asked for.

ok fair point, she knows my feelings towards him, i just dont see a way out, im lost for ideas, was hoping for some advise, but i fear the poster who said the child will always come first is right

Children will and should always come first, not sure why you seem surprised by this. "

im not, but do you have any ideas what i should do?

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman over a year ago

On a mooch

How long you been in this lads life?only a couple of years, his dad sadly died in a car crash, we have been together a few yaers, i feel he resents me"

Even when you met he was or nearly an adult. He might be still mourning the loss of his father and resentful of a new man in his family life. Just give him space, as said before your relationship is with your partner not him. Try to draw a line under it or imagine how he might feel, be the bigger adult and don’t rise to any confrontation.

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By *allySlinkyWoman over a year ago

Leeds

" if it was my kid i would give him a slap and ban him from what he likes the best"

Not my idea of good parenting.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

He's just protective over his mum.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it.

Exactly and as its a couples profile she could well see this.

she knows my thoughts, and tbh feels the same, try not to be to judgementle please, im asking if someone had any ideas, not for a slagging off

But you just said you try not to tell her so how does she know your feelings and your not being slagged off, people are giving their opinions which is what you asked for.

ok fair point, she knows my feelings towards him, i just dont see a way out, im lost for ideas, was hoping for some advise, but i fear the poster who said the child will always come first is right

Children will and should always come first, not sure why you seem surprised by this.

im not, but do you have any ideas what i should do?"

Yes keep your opinion to yourself unless your partner asks for input and hope she never sees this post.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple over a year ago

North West

" i fear the poster who said the child will always come first is right"

If you can't understand the relationship between a mother and her child (irrespective of the age of the child) then I don't think you'll ever get past this issue.

Of course someone's child will also be of greater importance to them than a romantic relationship. Mr KC knows I love him to bits, but I have to say that if I was forced to choose between my children and him, I'd choose the children. He knows that and I know he'd make the same choice if faced with it. Both of us would die to save our kids and would sacrifice each other.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Well he's not a child at 21 and you are not his father. And tbh regardless of what he is or isn't doing I would be beyond pissed off if it were my lad you were criticising

Leave it and let them deal with it.

Exactly and as its a couples profile she could well see this.

she knows my thoughts, and tbh feels the same, try not to be to judgementle please, im asking if someone had any ideas, not for a slagging off

But you just said you try not to tell her so how does she know your feelings and your not being slagged off, people are giving their opinions which is what you asked for.

ok fair point, she knows my feelings towards him, i just dont see a way out, im lost for ideas, was hoping for some advise, but i fear the poster who said the child will always come first is right

Children will and should always come first, not sure why you seem surprised by this.

im not, but do you have any ideas what i should do?"

We've given you advise, good advise but you choose not to accept it.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple over a year ago

North West

"He's just protective over his mum. "

And very much this, most likely

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Speaking as someone who doesn't have kids, I can understand that you may feel that way about him. Let's be honest, other people's kids can be a nightmare (not all!)

But I think you need to think this through properly. No parent wants to hear their kids being critisized, even if they slag them off!

Secondly, the kids came before you. You must have accepted that they came as a package, and were happy to embark upon the relationship You can't pick and choose which kids you want in your life.

What I would do is accept his feelings, explain how you feel to your partner (or show her this thread!) and maybe not spend as much time in his company.

Good luck "

thank you for your messured response, unlike alot on here, she will see this as we have a joint account, and if shit hits the fan then its mine to deal with, but atm its becoming a deal breaker as i dont want to go to her house, and that would be a real shame as i love her other kids

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" if it was my kid i would give him a slap and ban him from what he likes the best

Not my idea of good parenting.

"
or mine. Hope he doesn't have kid's

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"He's just protective over his mum.

And very much this, most likely

ok fair point, but not usefull, where do i go freon here? be useful not negative please

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You're going about this completely the wrong way

The way you word things reads confrontational

Going toe to toe with a headstrong 21 year old will not resolve a thing

As a nearly 50 year old man you should know that

You could be offering support, leadership, direction, but instead you are being bullish with the lad because he isn't how you think he should be

He isn't even your child

You are in his space, not the other way round

You mention respect

That works both ways, you have to give him enough encouragement to respect you and maybe, just maybe, once that happens, he might to take notice

At the moment it sounds like you are rubbing each other up the wrong way and it comes across as an exercise in testosterone

That isn't attractive

Perhaps if your partner has recently lost a husband and the lad a father, you could cut them both some slack

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Also, are you a parent yourself?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"He's just protective over his mum.

And very much this, most likely

ok fair point, but not usefull, where do i go freon here? be useful not negative please"

How is the above comment negative?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"He's just protective over his mum.

And very much this, most likely

ok fair point, but not usefull, where do i go freon here? be useful not negative please"
Being protective over his mum is a negative. Surely it's a positive.

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By *ssex_tomMan over a year ago

Chelmsford

You are in his space...he is not in yours..

Look at it like this...

Ask her to choose between him and you and then put your shoes on your feet on the way out...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that"

What others?

People have been respectful to you, but don't agree with you and of course you're going to get negativity because your post is negative. Most people have suggested you don't do anything and that maybe your attitude towards the lad are the issue. What advice do you want?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"He's just protective over his mum.

And very much this, most likely

ok fair point, but not usefull, where do i go freon here? be useful not negative please

How is the above comment negative?"
My thoughts exactly

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By *ed VoluptaWoman over a year ago

Wirral.

"Speaking as someone who doesn't have kids, I can understand that you may feel that way about him. Let's be honest, other people's kids can be a nightmare (not all!)

But I think you need to think this through properly. No parent wants to hear their kids being critisized, even if they slag them off!

Secondly, the kids came before you. You must have accepted that they came as a package, and were happy to embark upon the relationship You can't pick and choose which kids you want in your life.

What I would do is accept his feelings, explain how you feel to your partner (or show her this thread!) and maybe not spend as much time in his company.

Good luck

To be fair, OP, all the responses have been measured. I'm just seeing it from a different perspective, as I'm not a mother.

Can I assume that you don't have kids yourself?

I'm wondering what's changed to make it so unbeatable, after 2 years? I hope you can work it out, but it seems to me that you're looking for validation to beat the woman round the head with her son.

As has been said, mum's will put their kids first, if you can't accept this, then I think you have to rethink your part in the relationship.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that

What others?

The advice that he wants to hear Lorna from the people who agree with him

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By *allySlinkyWoman over a year ago

Leeds

"atm its becoming a deal breaker as i dont want to go to her house, "

Could she come to your house ?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

Quote- "I love her, but hate the child"

^^^^^^^

He's picked up on your vibe that you "hate" him.

He's not a child by the way & I reckon you treat him like one. Don't forget you're the outsider not him. Can't be easy on him either when you visit & I'm assuming stay overnight in his Moms bed. I get the feeling you clash too with this young Man. Can't his Mom go to yours instead? & keep it totally separate. That would be the best option.

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By *ackformore100Man over a year ago

Tin town

Also.. There's no rule that says you have to get along with everyone and they in turn have to get along with you. Play the long game. Find a way to coexist that involves as little conflict with him as possible. His values may not be your values. Be polite and respectful as a minimum... As hard as that may be.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that

What others?

The advice that he wants to hear Lorna from the people who agree with him

"
how about some helpfull stuff????????????? rather than just bitching about me, i asked a serious question and all you can do is type bitchy replies, shame on you

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By *alandNitaCouple over a year ago

Scunthorpe

"Step back... he's an adult and not your responsibility.

i agree, but hes getting in the way of our relationship"

Having read through further responses, I stand by my original one.

He isn't getting in the way of your relationship. The man is her son, so from his perspective, you're getting in the way of his relationship with his mother.

It's important that you respect that and don't get involved in their relationship.

Be the better man, don't rise to the bait, don't let him get to you etc.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that

What others?

I think what he wants to hear is

The kids lazy needs sliped around the lugs kicked out the house and told not to come back

Obviously that’s all wrong

What he should want to do is be there for the mom

It’s not his place to step in

But it is his place to be a shoulder for her to cry on and console and listen to her problems when she wants to vent about it

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By *alandNitaCouple over a year ago

Scunthorpe

"Step back... he's an adult and not your responsibility.

i agree, but hes getting in the way of our relationship

Having read through further responses, I stand by my original one.

He isn't getting in the way of your relationship. The man is her son, so from his perspective, you're getting in the way of his relationship with his mother.

It's important that you respect that and don't get involved in their relationship.

Be the better man, don't rise to the bait, don't let him get to you etc. "

Posted by Nita BTW...

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By *allySlinkyWoman over a year ago

Leeds

We have given serious replies. I don't think anyone has been bitchy.

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By *ssex_tomMan over a year ago

Chelmsford

The son comes first...

Even if he was on prison he comes first.

Get over it or move on..

Simples ..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

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By *ed VoluptaWoman over a year ago

Wirral.

"there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that

What others?

The advice that he wants to hear Lorna from the people who agree with him

how about some helpfull stuff????????????? rather than just bitching about me, i asked a serious question and all you can do is type bitchy replies, shame on you"

Honestly, OP. No one is being bitchy, we're giving you want you asked for: advice. Bloody good advice from ladies very well in a similar situation to your partner.

I'm starting to see the real problem here OP - must everyone agree with, and pander to, you? 'cos you know in life, we ALL have to make allowances.....

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Also.. There's no rule that says you have to get along with everyone and they in turn have to get along with you. Play the long game. Find a way to coexist that involves as little conflict with him as possible. His values may not be your values. Be polite and respectful as a minimum... As hard as that may be. "

thank you for you reply, the best one yet, and maybe the way i take thinge forward, i would love to love him and hhim me but think its not going to happen, so your thought might work,and to all you idiots out there who have sent nasty messages, and there have been alot, mind you own businuss we are very much in love and dont need your input

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that

What others?

The advice that he wants to hear Lorna from the people who agree with him

how about some helpfull stuff????????????? rather than just bitching about me, i asked a serious question and all you can do is type bitchy replies, shame on you"

You have been given advice and people have not been bitchy! they have just made it clear they don't like the way you speak about this persons child. Please define what you describe as helpful advice because everything anyone has said hasn't been good enough, so you tell us what you want us to say because that's what you want!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that

What others?

The advice that he wants to hear Lorna from the people who agree with him

how about some helpfull stuff????????????? rather than just bitching about me, i asked a serious question and all you can do is type bitchy replies, shame on you"

Do you have kids OP?

I don't think you do because if you did you'd realise you can't hate one of them and love the other 2 (Your words on this thread). When it comes to your blood your children its really doesn't work like that.

We can at times dislike our children's behaviour and current state of personality but we will always love and protect them that is hardwired and primal.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that

What others?

The advice that he wants to hear Lorna from the people who agree with him

how about some helpfull stuff????????????? rather than just bitching about me, i asked a serious question and all you can do is type bitchy replies, shame on you"

I gave you helpful stuff, as did most others

It might not be what you wanted to hear, but if put into action, sincerely and not with contempt, might just help you resolve the issue over time

This will not be solved overnight

If you think it will, you are pushing an ultimatum, one in which you could very well come second

I say this with the best of intentions; 'wind your neck in'

ATM you are seeing red, which is never a good position to be in if you're aiming to resolve something

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Step back... he's an adult and not your responsibility.

i agree, but hes getting in the way of our relationship

Having read through further responses, I stand by my original one.

He isn't getting in the way of your relationship. The man is her son, so from his perspective, you're getting in the way of his relationship with his mother.

It's important that you respect that and don't get involved in their relationship.

Be the better man, don't rise to the bait, don't let him get to you etc. "

thank you for th messured response, and i think you are right, i have tried it but maybe not for long enough, will tri again, again thank you fot you messured response unlike most fofum followers it would seem

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that

What others?

The advice that he wants to hear Lorna from the people who agree with him

how about some helpfull stuff????????????? rather than just bitching about me, i asked a serious question and all you can do is type bitchy replies, shame on you"

Wow ok? Where exactly have I been bitchy? Is The name calling necessary?

I'm out, you asked for responses, I responded.

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By *ackformore100Man over a year ago

Tin town

Been there... It can be exhausting and emotional... But its a marathon and not a sprint. Treat it as a long term project to make that relationship (you and he) as good as it can be... But you can't flick a switch and make it friendly if the other side aren't ready for that yet. Don't lose sight that your relationship with him is a separate entity to the one between you and his mum. Good luck with it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have a 23 and 19 year old sons. They lost their father 3 years back.

The 19 year old can be very bloody lazy and is a typical young adult male.

If any man said these things about my son or had these feelings about him, the man would be out the door. The relationship would end.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple over a year ago

North West

OP, can you see things from the young man's perspective at all? He's lost his Dad, and now, he might feel like he's lost or is losing his mum (emotionally, physically etc). He might be 21yo but he's still a very young adult, presumably with limited life experience. Just because the other two children seem to be coping better with things is irrelevant.

The more you "hit" back at him and his lifestyle, behaviour etc, the more he will "hit" back at you because you are reinforcing his fears.

Any sniff of ultimatums and choosing one person over the other will simply reaffirm his fears that you intend to steal his mother away so all her emotional energy is focused on you.

If you cannot learn how to share your partner's time and emotional energy with her children, then I have to say you are onto an odds-on loss.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that

What others?

The advice that he wants to hear Lorna from the people who agree with him

how about some helpfull stuff????????????? rather than just bitching about me, i asked a serious question and all you can do is type bitchy replies, shame on you

Wow ok? Where exactly have I been bitchy? Is The name calling necessary?

I'm out, you asked for responses, I responded. "

sorry i wast picking people, but some have, sorry if i caused offence

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By *ssex_tomMan over a year ago

Chelmsford

My advice.. if you can't deal with it then you are not ready for it... Bin it...

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By *jorkishMan over a year ago

Seaforth

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

Maybe he's picking up on the fact you hate him normal respect him. I don't know. What does the female say, it's her son

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"My advice.. if you can't deal with it then you are not ready for it... Bin it..."
i have jids of my own so now the score, and i love her

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 29/08/21 23:26:54]

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By *ripodius WillyusMan over a year ago

Here and there

Out of curiousity does his mum know you are on fab and does she?

Seems bit double standards here as you criticise her lad for a start i had trouble with ex who i met on here and had issues.

I explained to ex he out of order one day he turned on her so i stepped as was in her face and not letting it get physical.

When not lets say got sniffles i could chat with him made it clear am not his dad etc nor intend to but will not tolerate that behaviour. After that we got on great.

The op i think he should be upfront with his mum about it but fact he on fab somewhat dilutes my sympathy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Mind your business

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By *mwirralMan over a year ago

wirral

Unfortunately you can't change it, the mother in general will side with the child even if they are wrong.

My advice would be try to have limited contact with said child

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Yes my son is a lazy shit and thinks he knows best etc etc.

A little bit of advice. Try speaking to me first before putting it on here.

Arri, the pissed off mum

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By *inky_couple2020Couple over a year ago

North West

[Removed by poster at 29/08/21 23:29:10]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Yes my son is a lazy shit and thinks he knows best etc etc.

A little bit of advice. Try speaking to me first before putting it on here.

Arri, the pissed off mum

Says it all. Op listen to the one person's advice that matters.

What is wrong with people??

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This is becoming very uncomfortable.

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By *ssex_tomMan over a year ago

Chelmsford

Let it go OP.

Mum will always put her son first..

Get over it .

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Yes my son is a lazy shit and thinks he knows best etc etc.

A little bit of advice. Try speaking to me first before putting it on here.

Arri, the pissed off mum

o dear haha somones in trouble

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

First up, calling her child names and using the word hatred is pretty fucking strong.

Guess what? He ain't stupid and will know you dislike him. Guess what else? He won't respect you if you don't respect him.

Now, it's hard enough for anyone to lose a parent. This lad has lost his own father in a tragic way and there's every chance he is still grieving. Yes he may be 21 so technically an adult but fuck me I can't imagine having to deal with that at his age or earlier.

Has he had counselling?

Are you taking into consideration your presence may be a constant reminder to him that his dad is dead and now you're holding his mother's hand instead of his father?

I'm not saying that IS the cause of your issues with him, but you can't be certain that it's not and yes, he will need to accept things as they are but grief has no timeline.

He may very well be a "workshy wanker" just the same as me may very well be someone who hurts every day, struggles to see the light at the end of the tunnel and is angry and disgusted at the world every damn day for being so cruel.

Acceptance comes with time, as does maturity and differing perspective. He may be an adult now but he was a child who lost his father.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yeah, slagging off your other half’s son on a public forum is low and very uncomfortable

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Yes my son is a lazy shit and thinks he knows best etc etc.

A little bit of advice. Try speaking to me first before putting it on here.

Arri, the pissed off mum

Oooh awkward

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By *etwifeandhim69Couple over a year ago

Darlington

"Step back... he's an adult and not your responsibility. "

Exactly this.

It's a no win situation if you involve yourself.

Hes an adult, not a child and it's up to his mother to deal with the situation whilst he lives under her roof, not you. Regardless of bad behaviour or not, it's his home and you are the guest.

Arrange to meet the mother away from the house and keep conflict to a minimum. Hes not your problem.

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By *etwifeandhim69Couple over a year ago

Darlington

Oh..never mind. Pissed off mum is on the case.

You dun goofed.

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By *KAholeandgloryCouple over a year ago

exeter

How long you been in this lads life?only a couple of years, his dad sadly died in a car crash, we have been together a few yaers, i feel he resents me"

If I was you seriously just forget about ever trying to stamp your foot down. There will only be one person loosing and that will be you. Positively encourage him to go out and get a job Eg show him things he can get with the money he will get from working

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By *arbellsWoman over a year ago

Cambridge

How long you been in this lads life?only a couple of years, his dad sadly died in a car crash, we have been together a few yaers, i feel he resents me"

He probably does resent you being that he lost his father a few years ago. I would be a mess if I lost my parent at my current age let alone at 21! I mean you are an adult on a swinging site sagging him off so he may pick up on the resentment you seem to have for him. Or feels you are trying to come between his mum and him.

Put yourself in his shoes.

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By *cloversCouple over a year ago

Hull

You have walked into his life - he didn't walk into yours.

You have become his mums partner - you're not his nor he yours

You haven't developed a positive relationship with him yet - and it seems that you are presuming that this is a lack of his respect for you however I havent read anything you've posted that acknowledges any respect for him. He's 21 - he lost his dad and you seem to think he should welcome you with open arms??

Myself & Mr KC have a blended family - and its been tough for many years - sometimes we have to acknowledge we have very different parenting styles for our children but accept that these are our differences and affect how our children relate with us as step parents. My relationship with his children differ because they are different but I have to recognise how our different personalities also affect how we relate to each other - it isn't one sided and doesn't make anyone one of us the person in the wrong.

Indeed its taken me nearly 20yrs to develop a positive relationship with one of his - its been a long road but I can now say I am proud to be his stepmother & I love him whole heartedly.

If you love his mother then you will find a way together. It's not a competition, it doesn't have to be either you or him - do not put her in a position she has to choose - you will lose. Be her partner, be supportive, don't be critical - perseverance & understanding will get you to your goal

Good luck x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Yes my son is a lazy shit and thinks he knows best etc etc.

A little bit of advice. Try speaking to me first before putting it on here.

Arri, the pissed off mum

I'm sorry you had to read a thread like this Arri.

I hope you guys work this out.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" i love her, but hate the child, hes a free loading work shy wanker who does nothing around the house, i have no respect for him"

It's never going to change. Bin the relationship...be honest.. Tell her why... But don't do an ultimatum

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

It's OK everyone, all sorted. We are taking a "break" because I don't listen.

Thank you for everyone's advice.

A fucked off Arri

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"It's OK everyone, all sorted. We are taking a "break" because I don't listen.

Thank you for everyone's advice.

A fucked off Arri "

He'd be taking a trip to A&E if he'd written that about my child.

Take care x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It's OK everyone, all sorted. We are taking a "break" because I don't listen.

Thank you for everyone's advice.

A fucked off Arri "

no sex tonight then???

good luck to both of you and the family

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By *sm265Woman over a year ago

Shangri-la

"It's OK everyone, all sorted. We are taking a "break" because I don't listen.

Thank you for everyone's advice.

A fucked off Arri "

The fact that he has made you the one at fault for not listening here is quite frankly incredible!

You have every right to be extremely fucked off right now.

Look after yourself and your kids xxxx

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By *a LunaWoman over a year ago

South Wales

The cheek of it. Using a couples profile to slag off the others offspring publicly.

I would be fucking fuming. And he’d be dumped.

The 21 year old is not the problem.

Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It's OK everyone, all sorted. We are taking a "break" because I don't listen.

Thank you for everyone's advice.

A fucked off Arri "
7

Sending love xx

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By *etwifeandhim69Couple over a year ago

Darlington

"It's OK everyone, all sorted. We are taking a "break" because I don't listen.

Thank you for everyone's advice.

A fucked off Arri

He'd be taking a trip to A&E if he'd written that about my child.

Take care x"

Glad I wasnt the only one that thought that but trying to be diplomatic and all that

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By *ersey GirlCouple over a year ago

Glasgow

Just be mindful that there is a 21 year old that has lost a parent and another father figure in the house is probably the last thing the lad wants. I would personally just be respectful to him at all times and enjoy the time with your partner and the other 2 children. Give support and hopefully he will come round. You can't make people warm towards you but if you are being approachable and giving off good vibes it's more likely to happen

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

I'd love it if you tried to slap him and he put you on your arse, disgusting attitude towards your partners flesh and blood.

Of course he hates you and I can see why, you're not his dad and you think you're big and tough by threatening a young adult.

You should be the adult and be trying to form a friendship with him, it's not easy to do but you're bang out of order.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It's OK everyone, all sorted. We are taking a "break" because I don't listen.

Thank you for everyone's advice.

A fucked off Arri "

So, somewhere in the region of 20-30 people have suggested that it is his attitude and approach that needs addressing, but somehow that is your fault?

Every alarm bell in my body is going off right now

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

As the parent of a

25, 26 and 30 year old sons who lost their dad 8 years ago, I feel qualified to answer your original comment OP.

It's a very tricky situation when a widow brings a new man into her kids lives. One of my son's hated my male friend, who I adored. It is very difficult for the female.

The lady's son in question, will have been extremely badly affected by his dad's tragic death. He needs understanding and help, it takes many years to come to terms with such a loss

So he doesn't do anything around the house, so what...

Maybe the lad is depressed and can't get motivated

To be honest the best thing the lady can do is take a step back from you, I would be kicking the arse out of the door of any man who made a forum post against my son's. You sound very hateful towards the lady's so and it doesn't come across very nicely at all

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By *hat BlokeMan over a year ago

Harrogate

The lad may think he has an excuse to be unpleasant to you because you have taken the place of his dad in his mums affections. I don’t think he has. He is a grown man and he needs to realise that his mum has somebody new and is trying to create a new life from the shattered remains of her old one. One potential solution is for both you and your lady friend sit down with all of the children and tell them how you hope your relationship will progress. If they have any objections to the plan you lay out, they can talk them out in an open debate that you are all involved in.

It may not solve the problem but it will bring things out in the open so that all are aware of issues and feelings.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It's OK everyone, all sorted. We are taking a "break" because I don't listen.

Thank you for everyone's advice.

A fucked off Arri "

Honey, I wasn't going to reply again but you or your boy are not the problem here.

I hope you are ok and I hope you can work out a way forward one way or another.

Sending you lots of love and best wishes to you and your son

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

Does make me eye roll how many people are saying "he's a grown man, he's an adult"

How many of the same people also speak of 21 year olds on here as immature, that they lack life experience etc?

How many of you can accept that at 30, at 40, at 50 you look back at your 21 year old self and think you were more mature than your 16 year old self but actually waaaay less "grown adulty" than you are now?

My son is 21 soon. Do I look at him and think "look at my adult son?"

Nope, I think "yep, he's GROWING into a decent young man"

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By *aximus74Woman over a year ago

Manchester

The "break" would be a forever break if this was me & mine... sounds like OP is acting more like a child than the child is..

A son or daughter is ALWAYS a child in the parents eyes no matter their age..

And I don't see any respect or love for the mum if he's posting on here about her child..

Good luck Arri for your future x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Does make me eye roll how many people are saying "he's a grown man, he's an adult"

How many of the same people also speak of 21 year olds on here as immature, that they lack life experience etc?

My son is 21 soon. Do I look at him and think "look at my adult son?"

Nope, I think "yep, he's GROWING into a decent young man" "

Absolutely agree. My eldest is 27 and only just accepting that he is in fact an adult

But age of the son is irrelevant, he does not deserve the level of abuse he received last night.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Jebus

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"Does make me eye roll how many people are saying "he's a grown man, he's an adult"

How many of the same people also speak of 21 year olds on here as immature, that they lack life experience etc?

My son is 21 soon. Do I look at him and think "look at my adult son?"

Nope, I think "yep, he's GROWING into a decent young man"

Absolutely agree. My eldest is 27 and only just accepting that he is in fact an adult

But age of the son is irrelevant, he does not deserve the level of abuse he received last night."

100% I'm properly disgusted and still pretty shocked by it. I woke up still snarling

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Have all the Mods taken the Bank Holiday weekend off ? Wtaf

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Does make me eye roll how many people are saying "he's a grown man, he's an adult"

How many of the same people also speak of 21 year olds on here as immature, that they lack life experience etc?

My son is 21 soon. Do I look at him and think "look at my adult son?"

Nope, I think "yep, he's GROWING into a decent young man"

Absolutely agree. My eldest is 27 and only just accepting that he is in fact an adult

But age of the son is irrelevant, he does not deserve the level of abuse he received last night.

100% I'm properly disgusted and still pretty shocked by it. I woke up still snarling "

Me too, the one thing you never do is come between a Mum and her Son, and don't do it publicly because other Mums with sons read stuff like that the maternal instinct kicks in and it's like a red rag to a bull.

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By *ackformore100Man over a year ago

Tin town

"Have all the Mods taken the Bank Holiday weekend off ? Wtaf

Yes I think it's time to stop the lynch mob now. Everyone makes mistakes. They possibly thought they were amongst friends. Either way, no good can come of this.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"Does make me eye roll how many people are saying "he's a grown man, he's an adult"

How many of the same people also speak of 21 year olds on here as immature, that they lack life experience etc?

My son is 21 soon. Do I look at him and think "look at my adult son?"

Nope, I think "yep, he's GROWING into a decent young man"

Absolutely agree. My eldest is 27 and only just accepting that he is in fact an adult

But age of the son is irrelevant, he does not deserve the level of abuse he received last night.

100% I'm properly disgusted and still pretty shocked by it. I woke up still snarling

Reminds me of my abusive ex. He would "tell tales" on my lad when I got home from work to cause aggro. I could see it for what it was, the ex wanting to be top dog. The tales he would tell would be playground stuff.

He was being noisy.

He ate the last of the bread.

He used 2 cups instead of one.

Well, ya know what fuck face?

He would have got more bread if you didn't take the money I left and spent it at the pub.

He would have washed up if you didn't critique how he does it.

He was probably being noisy yo drown out your droning whinge.

I ain't falling into your petty games and attempts at one upmanship and trouble causing.

Fuuuuck off.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Have all the Mods taken the Bank Holiday weekend off ? Wtaf

Yes I think it's time to stop the lynch mob now. Everyone makes mistakes. They possibly thought they were amongst friends. Either way, no good can come of this. "

I was actually referring to the original post. I do not see how this is an appropriate or acceptable use of Forum.

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By *ersey GirlCouple over a year ago

Glasgow

"Does make me eye roll how many people are saying "he's a grown man, he's an adult"

How many of the same people also speak of 21 year olds on here as immature, that they lack life experience etc?

My son is 21 soon. Do I look at him and think "look at my adult son?"

Nope, I think "yep, he's GROWING into a decent young man"

Absolutely agree. My eldest is 27 and only just accepting that he is in fact an adult

But age of the son is irrelevant, he does not deserve the level of abuse he received last night.

100% I'm properly disgusted and still pretty shocked by it. I woke up still snarling

He was being noisy.

He ate the last of the bread.

He used 2 cups instead of one.

Well, ya know what fuck face?

He would have got more bread if you didn't take the money I left and spent it at the pub.

He would have washed up if you didn't critique how he does it.

He was probably being noisy yo drown out your droning whinge.

I ain't falling into your petty games and attempts at one upmanship and trouble causing.

Fuuuuck off."

You're just as bad leaving your boy with someone like that

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Does make me eye roll how many people are saying "he's a grown man, he's an adult"

How many of the same people also speak of 21 year olds on here as immature, that they lack life experience etc?

My son is 21 soon. Do I look at him and think "look at my adult son?"

Nope, I think "yep, he's GROWING into a decent young man"

Absolutely agree. My eldest is 27 and only just accepting that he is in fact an adult

But age of the son is irrelevant, he does not deserve the level of abuse he received last night.

100% I'm properly disgusted and still pretty shocked by it. I woke up still snarling

He was being noisy.

He ate the last of the bread.

He used 2 cups instead of one.

Well, ya know what fuck face?

He would have got more bread if you didn't take the money I left and spent it at the pub.

He would have washed up if you didn't critique how he does it.

He was probably being noisy yo drown out your droning whinge.

I ain't falling into your petty games and attempts at one upmanship and trouble causing.

Fuuuuck off."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

All I will say on this, is that I had a "step-dad" like you, I outlived him, and I now have my mother back.

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By *a LunaWoman over a year ago

South Wales

And this is why I have remained single after splitting with my kids dad. I did not want some fella coming into their lives and picking fault with the things they do, making their life a misery, particularly as my youngest has ASD. I would go mental.

I know not all men are like this, but sheesh it’s just not worth the risk when you read stuff like this.

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

"We have given serious replies. I don't think anyone has been bitchy. "

There has been a couple where they are talking about the man between each other rather than the question.

For people this applies to, we answer the question not talk about the poster between each other

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

"there has been alot of negative posts on here mainly about me but also others, yes in not perfect, who is, i was asking a question, please stick to that

What others?

The advice that he wants to hear Lorna from the people who agree with him

how about some helpfull stuff????????????? rather than just bitching about me, i asked a serious question and all you can do is type bitchy replies, shame on you

There is no need to always labour the point on many posts as it takes the thread away from the subject

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By *anshee99Woman over a year ago

all over

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

I hope your partner doesn't read this... I'd leave you on the spot.

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

To the OP, if someone thought and said that about my child , they would be toast especially if it was a shortish relationship like yours

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman over a year ago

evesham

"hard one and difficult to ban a 21 yr old from anything hes an adult not a child

all u can do is try and have a adult 121 chat and bring him round nothing else can be done otherwise that i can see but i expect there will be lots of advice from others

I hope your partner doesn't read this... I'd leave you on the spot. "

She did.

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

It seems the OH is not happy with you putting this on here so I will shut this

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

"Have all the Mods taken the Bank Holiday weekend off ? Wtaf"

To this post, the post itself didn't break any rules so if the mods were still in bed, it wouldn't matter

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