FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > A muse for a Friday afternoon..... how proactive should single men be?
A muse for a Friday afternoon..... how proactive should single men be?
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
I know that it'll probably be non conclusive but I'm throwing this out there anyway after a conversation with a friend.
When it comes to a meet...
Should single men wait politely and patiently to be approached by singles/couples or should they risk being "pushy" and be more proactive and put themselves forward to be considered? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I know that it'll probably be non conclusive but I'm throwing this out there anyway after a conversation with a friend.
When it comes to a meet...
Should single men wait politely and patiently to be approached by singles/couples or should they risk being "pushy" and be more proactive and put themselves forward to be considered?"
Depends on on setting
If it’s a club then chat first drop hints need they pic up on them if they don’t then can’t be two upfront and forward as it can be seen as pushy
If it’s fab I would say take your shot see what happens but in a nice way like ask like do you get much spare time or time to your self at all
Wait for they reapply if they say yes or not much or what ever
Could lead with well the next time you do have some
Maybe you could spare to time for me grab a coffee or something and see whare things lead |
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It's entirely possible to be proactive whilst remaining polite and everyone, particularly the men folk of Fab would do well to remember that.
It's a bit like when there's a tabloid article criticising "cat calling" and the men on tje comments section moan that "You can't say anything these days!" or "Might as well not bother then!" Yes pal, there's plenty you can say and do, just don't be creepy. Sake on Fab, you can approach but only after you've read their profile and do so respectfully and selectively. |
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By *bostCouple
over a year ago
glasgow |
Something to ponder.
We have been looking for a new car recently and visiting various show rooms. The salespeople have adopted a new tactic of not swarming in you and annoying you. It’s really off putting that you need to go look for them now. After years and years of complaining about car sales staff not giving you peace they are now doing the opposite. Weirdly, you miss them.
Take that thought not single guys. We aren’t looking for them so don’t have skin in the game. They do however get a bad rep on here for various approaches they take. However, if they stopped doing it would the folk looking for single guys miss it? Probably.
Anyway, there is our Friday thought. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Single men should find what suits them. If they want a meet then it will be harder on here than other sites or just going to a pub "
That's what I always think. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"They should definitely be proactive, but not pushy. Cards on the table so people know what's on offer."
I think proactive and pushy are sometimes mistaken for each other on here sadly. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Do you mean in a club posh?
Oh and love your avatar pic  "
I mean here mostly. I'd think in a club proactively saying hello but that's it would probably be sensible? I don't know.... still a virgin 
And thanks C.... thought I'd be brazen  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
I think people should be proactive in who they want to meet. More women should step up and be proactive in talking to those they like. Stop moaning about men messaging them and be proactive. Men should be proactive and message those they have a genuine interest in, without their penis in hand.
But yeah, people. Not men. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I know that it'll probably be non conclusive but I'm throwing this out there anyway after a conversation with a friend.
When it comes to a meet...
Should single men wait politely and patiently to be approached by singles/couples or should they risk being "pushy" and be more proactive and put themselves forward to be considered?
Depends on on setting
If it’s a club then chat first drop hints need they pic up on them if they don’t then can’t be two upfront and forward as it can be seen as pushy
If it’s fab I would say take your shot see what happens but in a nice way like ask like do you get much spare time or time to your self at all
Wait for they reapply if they say yes or not much or what ever
Could lead with well the next time you do have some
Maybe you could spare to time for me grab a coffee or something and see whare things lead "
I think this is the thing. One person might see something as proactive that another might see as pushy.... |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Everybody , not just single men , should be proactive in finding what they want.
No need to ask twice but always make the first move. Anything coming to ASK you is a bonus."
I'd actually agree entirely with that Granny. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I don’t think ‘pushy’ is a route anyone should follow but I don’t see why they should stand back and wait …. There’s nothing wrong with being politely proactive respecting that NO! means NO… "
I think that's the line really. As long as there is respect.
I should have rephrased "pushy" I think. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"It's entirely possible to be proactive whilst remaining polite and everyone, particularly the men folk of Fab would do well to remember that.
It's a bit like when there's a tabloid article criticising "cat calling" and the men on tje comments section moan that "You can't say anything these days!" or "Might as well not bother then!" Yes pal, there's plenty you can say and do, just don't be creepy. Sake on Fab, you can approach but only after you've read their profile and do so respectfully and selectively."
I'd agree with that |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Think most of us would be waiting a long time if we didn't at least say we would like to meet.
I've only had about a handful ask me the whole time I've been here"
FAF? In a non pushy way.....
I'd agree though. Waiting to be approached can be fruitless. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No I don’t think pushy ever, I think you should just let things flow naturally… Sometimes it feels right to message someone especially if they often fab your pictures or wink you.
It goes for everyone really if you have interest in getting to know and meet someone then what is there to lose… as long as you respect you might not get a reply or the answer you hope, you never know unless you go for it 
I’ve become really good friends with some on here I’d have never thought I’d get a message back. I messaged with the “well you don’t know unless you try” mindset and thankfully it did. But that’s not to say it always does, so as long as you know that, then nothing wrong with being proactive and I’d say go for it  |
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As a single guy (yes we do exist!  ) then if I wasn’t proactive on here then quite frankly I wouldn’t get anywhere!
I’ve had 2 messages from couples that I have not messaged first, both turned out to actually be a guy pretending, which just shows that sitting and waiting for others to come to you doesn’t work |
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"Think most of us would be waiting a long time if we didn't at least say we would like to meet.
I've only had about a handful ask me the whole time I've been here
FAF? In a non pushy way.....
I'd agree though. Waiting to be approached can be fruitless."
You already know 
If you're a single guy and not hung then yes  |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Something to ponder.
We have been looking for a new car recently and visiting various show rooms. The salespeople have adopted a new tactic of not swarming in you and annoying you. It’s really off putting that you need to go look for them now. After years and years of complaining about car sales staff not giving you peace they are now doing the opposite. Weirdly, you miss them.
Take that thought not single guys. We aren’t looking for them so don’t have skin in the game. They do however get a bad rep on here for various approaches they take. However, if they stopped doing it would the folk looking for single guys miss it? Probably.
Anyway, there is our Friday thought. "
I like the analogy. However, in the same way, I was in a store recently and had to walk out because in the 8 minutes I was there I was asked by 6 members of staff if they could help me. And there weren't that many potential customers in the store.
I'd rather not be approached like that and wouldn't miss it.
But I don't know if I'd miss it if men didn't message first. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I think people should be proactive in who they want to meet. More women should step up and be proactive in talking to those they like. Stop moaning about men messaging them and be proactive. Men should be proactive and message those they have a genuine interest in, without their penis in hand.
But yeah, people. Not men."
Yes! People should be more proactive. Good call. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't send a lot of messages but of those that I do I've only ever had one unpleasant reply. The others were all polite and friendly whether they were a yes, no or maybe ! So I would definitely say be pro-active but perhaps more focussed in who you message, and the Forum is definitely useful for sensing who you will vibe with. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"No I don’t think pushy ever, I think you should just let things flow naturally… Sometimes it feels right to message someone especially if they often fab your pictures or wink you.
It goes for everyone really if you have interest in getting to know and meet someone then what is there to lose… as long as you respect you might not get a reply or the answer you hope, you never know unless you go for it
I’ve become really good friends with some on here I’d have never thought I’d get a message back. I messaged with the “well you don’t know unless you try” mindset and thankfully it did. But that’s not to say it always does, so as long as you know that, then nothing wrong with being proactive and I’d say go for it "
I definitely shouldn't have used "pushy"..... but I think that is the actual issue. It was suggested to me that something "proactive" from someone the recipient finds attractive is seen as "pushy" from someone they don't. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"As a single guy (yes we do exist! ) then if I wasn’t proactive on here then quite frankly I wouldn’t get anywhere!
I’ve had 2 messages from couples that I have not messaged first, both turned out to actually be a guy pretending, which just shows that sitting and waiting for others to come to you doesn’t work "
Huh? There are single guys on fab? 
Who knew..... |
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"I think people should be proactive in who they want to meet. More women should step up and be proactive in talking to those they like. Stop moaning about men messaging them and be proactive. Men should be proactive and message those they have a genuine interest in, without their penis in hand.
But yeah, people. Not men."
Very true |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I know that it'll probably be non conclusive but I'm throwing this out there anyway after a conversation with a friend.
When it comes to a meet...
Should single men wait politely and patiently to be approached by singles/couples or should they risk being "pushy" and be more proactive and put themselves forward to be considered?
Depends on on setting
If it’s a club then chat first drop hints need they pic up on them if they don’t then can’t be two upfront and forward as it can be seen as pushy
If it’s fab I would say take your shot see what happens but in a nice way like ask like do you get much spare time or time to your self at all
Wait for they reapply if they say yes or not much or what ever
Could lead with well the next time you do have some
Maybe you could spare to time for me grab a coffee or something and see whare things lead
I think this is the thing. One person might see something as proactive that another might see as pushy...."
Thay could do but for me anyway I don’t see asking ones as pushy asking multiple times in the space off a week or so yes would come across as pushy to me
|
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Think most of us would be waiting a long time if we didn't at least say we would like to meet.
I've only had about a handful ask me the whole time I've been here
FAF? In a non pushy way.....
I'd agree though. Waiting to be approached can be fruitless.
You already know
If you're a single guy and not hung then yes "
Don't get me started on the whole "hung" thing Mr. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I don't send a lot of messages but of those that I do I've only ever had one unpleasant reply. The others were all polite and friendly whether they were a yes, no or maybe ! So I would definitely say be pro-active but perhaps more focussed in who you message, and the Forum is definitely useful for sensing who you will vibe with. "
I'd agree with that for sure |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I know that it'll probably be non conclusive but I'm throwing this out there anyway after a conversation with a friend.
When it comes to a meet...
Should single men wait politely and patiently to be approached by singles/couples or should they risk being "pushy" and be more proactive and put themselves forward to be considered?
Depends on on setting
If it’s a club then chat first drop hints need they pic up on them if they don’t then can’t be two upfront and forward as it can be seen as pushy
If it’s fab I would say take your shot see what happens but in a nice way like ask like do you get much spare time or time to your self at all
Wait for they reapply if they say yes or not much or what ever
Could lead with well the next time you do have some
Maybe you could spare to time for me grab a coffee or something and see whare things lead
I think this is the thing. One person might see something as proactive that another might see as pushy....
Thay could do but for me anyway I don’t see asking ones as pushy asking multiple times in the space off a week or so yes would come across as pushy to me
"
I'd agree with that Nat x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"No I don’t think pushy ever, I think you should just let things flow naturally… Sometimes it feels right to message someone especially if they often fab your pictures or wink you.
It goes for everyone really if you have interest in getting to know and meet someone then what is there to lose… as long as you respect you might not get a reply or the answer you hope, you never know unless you go for it
I’ve become really good friends with some on here I’d have never thought I’d get a message back. I messaged with the “well you don’t know unless you try” mindset and thankfully it did. But that’s not to say it always does, so as long as you know that, then nothing wrong with being proactive and I’d say go for it
I definitely shouldn't have used "pushy"..... but I think that is the actual issue. It was suggested to me that something "proactive" from someone the recipient finds attractive is seen as "pushy" from someone they don't."
I should’ve said I know what you meant tbh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think people should be proactive in who they want to meet. More women should step up and be proactive in talking to those they like. Stop moaning about men messaging them and be proactive. Men should be proactive and message those they have a genuine interest in, without their penis in hand.
But yeah, people. Not men."
Exactly this. I don't believe it's about gender, it's about getting what you want and hopefully, what they want.
People who hide in the shadows are rarely seen |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I know that it'll probably be non conclusive but I'm throwing this out there anyway after a conversation with a friend.
When it comes to a meet...
Should single men wait politely and patiently to be approached by singles/couples or should they risk being "pushy" and be more proactive and put themselves forward to be considered?
Depends on on setting
If it’s a club then chat first drop hints need they pic up on them if they don’t then can’t be two upfront and forward as it can be seen as pushy
If it’s fab I would say take your shot see what happens but in a nice way like ask like do you get much spare time or time to your self at all
Wait for they reapply if they say yes or not much or what ever
Could lead with well the next time you do have some
Maybe you could spare to time for me grab a coffee or something and see whare things lead
I think this is the thing. One person might see something as proactive that another might see as pushy....
Thay could do but for me anyway I don’t see asking ones as pushy asking multiple times in the space off a week or so yes would come across as pushy to me
I'd agree with that Nat x"
Yes we are definitely on the same page x |
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By *r.SJMan
over a year ago
Wellingborough |
"I know that it'll probably be non conclusive but I'm throwing this out there anyway after a conversation with a friend.
When it comes to a meet...
Should single men wait politely and patiently to be approached by singles/couples or should they risk being "pushy" and be more proactive and put themselves forward to be considered?"
So what was your conclusion and preference Posh?
I'm still finding my feet here but not sure I could ever do pushy, though maybe more confidence to say hi but then self doubt creeps  And ultimately, however naughty I can be in a bedroom... would always want to be a gentleman |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"No I don’t think pushy ever, I think you should just let things flow naturally… Sometimes it feels right to message someone especially if they often fab your pictures or wink you.
It goes for everyone really if you have interest in getting to know and meet someone then what is there to lose… as long as you respect you might not get a reply or the answer you hope, you never know unless you go for it
I’ve become really good friends with some on here I’d have never thought I’d get a message back. I messaged with the “well you don’t know unless you try” mindset and thankfully it did. But that’s not to say it always does, so as long as you know that, then nothing wrong with being proactive and I’d say go for it
I definitely shouldn't have used "pushy"..... but I think that is the actual issue. It was suggested to me that something "proactive" from someone the recipient finds attractive is seen as "pushy" from someone they don't.
I should’ve said I know what you meant tbh "
Not being able to go back and edit a post is a pain in the butt.... |
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I'm proactive in the forums which allows people to get a feel for the type of person I am.
I am deliberately not proactive in messaging and haven't been in 18 months for a number of reasons.
Firstly I'm working 6 days a week and I don't expect anyone to have to work around my schedule. Therefore until things settle down there is not a lot of point in starting new conversations.
Secondly I've found that many people actually expect me to be more pushy and when I did message first there was an assumption on their part that I was only doing so because I wanted to meet and they got bored when I didn't chase.
I'm happy with the current pace of my fab engagement.
I wait for others to contact me because there is more of a possibility of them actually reading and understanding my profile and a better than average chance of us having something in common.
That's not arrogance on my part. It's just how I approach this site and its know it's not for everyone.
A friend jokingly tells me that I'm not following the unwritten fab manual by jumping at every message from a woman or telling them how amazing they are.
I'm writing my own manual which I won't be publishing because it's for me and me alone.
I would never tell anyone else how to run their profile or what approach to take because then they would just be playing a role rather than being themselves.
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I know that it'll probably be non conclusive but I'm throwing this out there anyway after a conversation with a friend.
When it comes to a meet...
Should single men wait politely and patiently to be approached by singles/couples or should they risk being "pushy" and be more proactive and put themselves forward to be considered?
So what was your conclusion and preference Posh?
I'm still finding my feet here but not sure I could ever do pushy, though maybe more confidence to say hi but then self doubt creeps And ultimately, however naughty I can be in a bedroom... would always want to be a gentleman"
Proactive is always my preference. Because I'm ridiculously shy and find it really hard to admit to anyone if my forum flirting is actually "with intent" or not.
Off the forum the most proactive I've ever been is I believe I winked someone once. And as I recall didn't get anything back. So I'm glad that some non forum men are happy to message first, or back in the day pre covid I'd have not ended up meeting anyone at all.
I am a believer that perception has a lot to do with it, thinking back to a first message from someone who has become very, very important to me, if I'd not been attracted to him it could have come across as pushy but I did just see it as proactive.
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I'm proactive in the forums which allows people to get a feel for the type of person I am.
I am deliberately not proactive in messaging and haven't been in 18 months for a number of reasons.
Firstly I'm working 6 days a week and I don't expect anyone to have to work around my schedule. Therefore until things settle down there is not a lot of point in starting new conversations.
Secondly I've found that many people actually expect me to be more pushy and when I did message first there was an assumption on their part that I was only doing so because I wanted to meet and they got bored when I didn't chase.
I'm happy with the current pace of my fab engagement.
I wait for others to contact me because there is more of a possibility of them actually reading and understanding my profile and a better than average chance of us having something in common.
That's not arrogance on my part. It's just how I approach this site and its know it's not for everyone.
A friend jokingly tells me that I'm not following the unwritten fab manual by jumping at every message from a woman or telling them how amazing they are.
I'm writing my own manual which I won't be publishing because it's for me and me alone.
I would never tell anyone else how to run their profile or what approach to take because then they would just be playing a role rather than being themselves.
"
I couldn't agree more with your last sentence. Everyone should do what they feel is best, and be themselves.
Do you think you would ever be proactive with messaging, for example if someone you were attracted to had said they were too shy to make a first move? |
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"
Proactive is always my preference. Because I'm ridiculously shy and find it really hard to admit to anyone if my forum flirting is actually "with intent" or not.
Off the forum the most proactive I've ever been is I believe I winked someone once. And as I recall didn't get anything back. So I'm glad that some non forum men are happy to message first, or back in the day pre covid I'd have not ended up meeting anyone at all.
I am a believer that perception has a lot to do with it, thinking back to a first message from someone who has become very, very important to me, if I'd not been attracted to him it could have come across as pushy but I did just see it as proactive.
"
I find that the line between proactive and pushy is sending more than one message without reply |
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"I'm proactive in the forums which allows people to get a feel for the type of person I am.
I am deliberately not proactive in messaging and haven't been in 18 months for a number of reasons.
Firstly I'm working 6 days a week and I don't expect anyone to have to work around my schedule. Therefore until things settle down there is not a lot of point in starting new conversations.
Secondly I've found that many people actually expect me to be more pushy and when I did message first there was an assumption on their part that I was only doing so because I wanted to meet and they got bored when I didn't chase.
I'm happy with the current pace of my fab engagement.
I wait for others to contact me because there is more of a possibility of them actually reading and understanding my profile and a better than average chance of us having something in common.
That's not arrogance on my part. It's just how I approach this site and its know it's not for everyone.
A friend jokingly tells me that I'm not following the unwritten fab manual by jumping at every message from a woman or telling them how amazing they are.
I'm writing my own manual which I won't be publishing because it's for me and me alone.
I would never tell anyone else how to run their profile or what approach to take because then they would just be playing a role rather than being themselves.
I couldn't agree more with your last sentence. Everyone should do what they feel is best, and be themselves.
Do you think you would ever be proactive with messaging, for example if someone you were attracted to had said they were too shy to make a first move?"
I have no issue messaging anyone to be honest. I'm not overly confident but I don't take rejection on a website as personally as I might in real life.
If I saw someone I was attracted to because of a combination of their pics, bio and forum comments I would happily say hello.
If they said they were too shy or reserved to make the first move then again that comment would have to be consistent with the rest of their engagement on the site. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I like men to be proactive and message me or I will get no messages.....
I am doing the messaging elsewhere but it's like pulling teeth, hardly any responses, (I feel like a Fab man does I think)
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By *egoMan
over a year ago
Preston |
I’ll put the effort in but cannot be pushy. I don’t read signals very well. So rely on the couple or lady to initiate or rather be direct with me. Otherwise I’ll sit there chatting all night to them. Some don’t take the initiative and get bored others control the situation and take me upstairs.
Which is why I love swingers clubs. First time I’ve ever been kicked out of a club at closing time without even realising the time.
Joys of a slightly differently wired brain |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"
Proactive is always my preference. Because I'm ridiculously shy and find it really hard to admit to anyone if my forum flirting is actually "with intent" or not.
Off the forum the most proactive I've ever been is I believe I winked someone once. And as I recall didn't get anything back. So I'm glad that some non forum men are happy to message first, or back in the day pre covid I'd have not ended up meeting anyone at all.
I am a believer that perception has a lot to do with it, thinking back to a first message from someone who has become very, very important to me, if I'd not been attracted to him it could have come across as pushy but I did just see it as proactive.
I find that the line between proactive and pushy is sending more than one message without reply"
I think that's one definitive line. I don't think it's the only though. |
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By *ougie321Man
over a year ago
Milford Haven |
Enquire, react to a response then move forward is quite basic. Messaging can of course be misunderstood at times which I find frustrating when the other person totally mis reads and the obvious happens. |
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"Do you mean in a club posh?
Oh and love your avatar pic
I mean here mostly. I'd think in a club proactively saying hello but that's it would probably be sensible? I don't know.... still a virgin
And thanks C.... thought I'd be brazen "
Its a good look
For me I'd rather they wait for my approach, I don't hunt frequently and have passed people over, even though we would be awesome together because the timings not been right, I'd hate to lead anybody on or keep them dangling because my focus is elsewhere x |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"
I couldn't agree more with your last sentence. Everyone should do what they feel is best, and be themselves.
Do you think you would ever be proactive with messaging, for example if someone you were attracted to had said they were too shy to make a first move?
I have no issue messaging anyone to be honest. I'm not overly confident but I don't take rejection on a website as personally as I might in real life.
If I saw someone I was attracted to because of a combination of their pics, bio and forum comments I would happily say hello.
If they said they were too shy or reserved to make the first move then again that comment would have to be consistent with the rest of their engagement on the site. "
That does make perfect sense. I have difficulty making a first private move due to a painful fear of rejection but yet (as apparently people have noticed) I flirt like a loon all over the public forum. So I'd be inconsistent I suppose. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I like men to be proactive and message me or I will get no messages.....
I am doing the messaging elsewhere but it's like pulling teeth, hardly any responses, (I feel like a Fab man does I think)
"
I was like that when I was looking elsewhere. Except without the messaging because I never knew what to say and always figured they'd just laugh anyway. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I’ll put the effort in but cannot be pushy. I don’t read signals very well. So rely on the couple or lady to initiate or rather be direct with me. Otherwise I’ll sit there chatting all night to them. Some don’t take the initiative and get bored others control the situation and take me upstairs.
Which is why I love swingers clubs. First time I’ve ever been kicked out of a club at closing time without even realising the time.
Joys of a slightly differently wired brain "
I do wonder if I'd do ok at a swingers club for that reason.... I don't read signs well at all and it takes someone to basically be kissing me before my brain says "oh...... this person likes me!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ll put the effort in but cannot be pushy. I don’t read signals very well. So rely on the couple or lady to initiate or rather be direct with me. Otherwise I’ll sit there chatting all night to them. Some don’t take the initiative and get bored others control the situation and take me upstairs.
Which is why I love swingers clubs. First time I’ve ever been kicked out of a club at closing time without even realising the time.
Joys of a slightly differently wired brain
I do wonder if I'd do ok at a swingers club for that reason.... I don't read signs well at all and it takes someone to basically be kissing me before my brain says "oh...... this person likes me!""
You are funny |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's not easy being pro-active when you don't get a reply or keep getting knocked back constantly. You start to wonder what the point is and as a result stop trying altogether and let the cards fall where they're supposed to and hope someone finds you appealing enough to message you first without being miles away.
You can go out to clubs and socials, but it's not really helpful in building connections if you're only looking for one or 2 consistent partners. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Enquire, react to a response then move forward is quite basic. Messaging can of course be misunderstood at times which I find frustrating when the other person totally mis reads and the obvious happens. "
That's an issue. Text isn't exactly an exact way to communicate. And yet we use it so very often these days  |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Do you mean in a club posh?
Oh and love your avatar pic
I mean here mostly. I'd think in a club proactively saying hello but that's it would probably be sensible? I don't know.... still a virgin
And thanks C.... thought I'd be brazen
Its a good look
For me I'd rather they wait for my approach, I don't hunt frequently and have passed people over, even though we would be awesome together because the timings not been right, I'd hate to lead anybody on or keep them dangling because my focus is elsewhere x"
You know you are absolutely my hero, don't you. You need to teach me the confidence to hunt please |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I’ll put the effort in but cannot be pushy. I don’t read signals very well. So rely on the couple or lady to initiate or rather be direct with me. Otherwise I’ll sit there chatting all night to them. Some don’t take the initiative and get bored others control the situation and take me upstairs.
Which is why I love swingers clubs. First time I’ve ever been kicked out of a club at closing time without even realising the time.
Joys of a slightly differently wired brain
I do wonder if I'd do ok at a swingers club for that reason.... I don't read signs well at all and it takes someone to basically be kissing me before my brain says "oh...... this person likes me!"
You are funny "
Honestly...... a guy I absolutely think the world of and I spent almost an hour just talking an I was convinced he wasn't into me at all (and gutted because I fancied the pants off him and still do). He took off his jeans for a muscle demonstration (completely innocent, thigh muscles and nowt else) and I still didn't think he wanted me until he got over his shyness and kissed me. And even then it took a few moments.
I'm not good with positive signs at all. Negative ones, all over those. Can see them at a 20 mile distance with my eyes shut. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"It's not easy being pro-active when you don't get a reply or keep getting knocked back constantly. You start to wonder what the point is and as a result stop trying altogether and let the cards fall where they're supposed to and hope someone finds you appealing enough to message you first without being miles away.
You can go out to clubs and socials, but it's not really helpful in building connections if you're only looking for one or 2 consistent partners."
I can't imagine it is easy on here with the multitude of non replies.... and when it is a forum connection especially there is almost always a distance issue. I do applaud the people who do stick their necks out x |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"If men didn't message first then women/couples/TV/TS would have to, wouldn't we."
We would. And I'd not be here if that happened.
Hail the messagers I say! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's not easy being pro-active when you don't get a reply or keep getting knocked back constantly. You start to wonder what the point is and as a result stop trying altogether and let the cards fall where they're supposed to and hope someone finds you appealing enough to message you first without being miles away.
You can go out to clubs and socials, but it's not really helpful in building connections if you're only looking for one or 2 consistent partners.
I can't imagine it is easy on here with the multitude of non replies.... and when it is a forum connection especially there is almost always a distance issue. I do applaud the people who do stick their necks out x"
Of course, and there are people who have met through the forums and you can keep flirting hoping they'll be interested and feel the same but it's not always the case which is why it's probably better to move on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's not easy being pro-active when you don't get a reply or keep getting knocked back constantly. You start to wonder what the point is and as a result stop trying altogether and let the cards fall where they're supposed to and hope someone finds you appealing enough to message you first without being miles away.
You can go out to clubs and socials, but it's not really helpful in building connections if you're only looking for one or 2 consistent partners.
I can't imagine it is easy on here with the multitude of non replies.... and when it is a forum connection especially there is almost always a distance issue. I do applaud the people who do stick their necks out x"
This site doesn’t dictate who we are as people, I miss meeting people but other people are shy and prefer this environment, you are funny though that’s a great start |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s a fine line to tread, but the guy has to be proactive or at least message first. As long as it’s done as though you’re actually approaching a girl you’d like to say hello to I think it’s fine.
Politeness, read her profile, make a point of talking about some point of interest in her bio. Make a comment about her pics, not crude and try and Pick one that has her in clothes if you make a comment.
Inject a little humour and above all if she reads it and deletes it without a reply, don’t message with abuse.
Just be mindful that she might just nit be into your and respect it.
The forums are very easy to chat… because people are already seeing you and how your interact with others. You can spot the needy ones, the whining ones, the drama queens and the look at me people!
But you also see the really nice friendly ones, the funny and polite ones. The guys and girls who started interesting and fun threads.
The lovely people who support others that look like they are having a bad day.
From that it’s an easy step to approaching someone to chat too xx
Tom xx
That’s how I chat anyway…
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Proactive is a message saying "Hi, I like your profile, and would like to know more"
Pushy "I am in your area on a certain date, and want to meet"
(Gist of a first message I received from a couple, who were perplexed that I wouldn't drop everything for a meet) |
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By *rhugesMan
over a year ago
Cardiff |
I've been on here for a while and get really fed up with the bad press single guys get.
I think some couples are worse. I've had couples say they really want to arrange a meet with me. I tell them I'd really like that and look forward to hearing from them. Give them a nudge about two weeks later i.e a wink and get blocked.
Or couples wink at me I reply saying I've looked at their profile and interests and would be very excited to chat or meet, never hear from them again |
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By *egoMan
over a year ago
Preston |
"I’ll put the effort in but cannot be pushy. I don’t read signals very well. So rely on the couple or lady to initiate or rather be direct with me. Otherwise I’ll sit there chatting all night to them. Some don’t take the initiative and get bored others control the situation and take me upstairs.
Which is why I love swingers clubs. First time I’ve ever been kicked out of a club at closing time without even realising the time.
Joys of a slightly differently wired brain
I do wonder if I'd do ok at a swingers club for that reason.... I don't read signs well at all and it takes someone to basically be kissing me before my brain says "oh...... this person likes me!""
Bingo. |
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"
Proactive is always my preference. Because I'm ridiculously shy and find it really hard to admit to anyone if my forum flirting is actually "with intent" or not.
Off the forum the most proactive I've ever been is I believe I winked someone once. And as I recall didn't get anything back. So I'm glad that some non forum men are happy to message first, or back in the day pre covid I'd have not ended up meeting anyone at all.
I am a believer that perception has a lot to do with it, thinking back to a first message from someone who has become very, very important to me, if I'd not been attracted to him it could have come across as pushy but I did just see it as proactive.
I find that the line between proactive and pushy is sending more than one message without reply"
This for me too.
I send messages out to profiles I am drawn to. If I don't get a response then I accept that and don't message again.
If I do get a response I will have a good chat and then bring up the subject of meeting for coffee or a drink if it hasn't already been broached, see what response I get (I'm rubbish at interpreting signals so I never know if someone is being polite or is interested - I will ask rather than try to work it out).
I don't see it as pushy, but maybe it is and I'm just blind to myself! |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
EVERYONE should be proactive…. I don’t think it’s something that it just applicable to single men!
Also, being pushy and being proactive are two different things… there are many different avenues to get to where you want to be … so I don’t get why so many people shun the idea of clubs or going to socials ect… the more ways you can stand out from other people for the right reasons the better!
Give people a reason to say wow I have to get to know that person!
If you know what you are specifically looking for I don’t see you shouldn’t be the hunter and make the first moves
The amount of people who sit on there arses expecting the mountain to come to them surprises me |
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"I’ll put the effort in but cannot be pushy. I don’t read signals very well. So rely on the couple or lady to initiate or rather be direct with me. Otherwise I’ll sit there chatting all night to them. Some don’t take the initiative and get bored others control the situation and take me upstairs.
Which is why I love swingers clubs. First time I’ve ever been kicked out of a club at closing time without even realising the time.
Joys of a slightly differently wired brain
I do wonder if I'd do ok at a swingers club for that reason.... I don't read signs well at all and it takes someone to basically be kissing me before my brain says "oh...... this person likes me!""
That's another difference over here in the we don't have any clubs in Northern Ireland at all and only 2 or 3 in the whole of Ireland. They are a few hours drive away so will always involve an overnight.
They are only open a couple of nights a month and are invitation only.
Therefore men who wish to attend have to be proactive in making contacts and networking in order to be allowed attend. It takes an incredible amount of commitment and time until that initial visit can hopefully lead to repeat invitations.
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
I wouldn't have met the people I've met if they hadn't been proactive and messaged me, I'm too shy believe it or not to send the first message..... But I am going to give myself a boot up the bum and try and be more forward with the people I like |
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"Think most of us would be waiting a long time if we didn't at least say we would like to meet.
I've only had about a handful ask me the whole time I've been here
FAF? In a non pushy way.....
I'd agree though. Waiting to be approached can be fruitless.
You already know
If you're a single guy and not hung then yes
Don't get me started on the whole "hung" thing Mr."
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"Do you mean in a club posh?
Oh and love your avatar pic
I mean here mostly. I'd think in a club proactively saying hello but that's it would probably be sensible? I don't know.... still a virgin
And thanks C.... thought I'd be brazen
Its a good look
For me I'd rather they wait for my approach, I don't hunt frequently and have passed people over, even though we would be awesome together because the timings not been right, I'd hate to lead anybody on or keep them dangling because my focus is elsewhere x
You know you are absolutely my hero, don't you. You need to teach me the confidence to hunt please "
Get your arse to one of the socials, I illuminate what is already deep inside somebody, I know your awesome you just gotta believe it then everyone can see it xxx |
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By *gent CoulsonMan
over a year ago
Secret hideaway in the pennines |
It doesn't matter how good a personality you have, if your face doesn't fit, you aren't going to get any response, very few can actually be bothered to reply in the first instance, let alone take the time to actually find out who someone actually is.
You can be as proactive as you like, it's just pure luck if you get a reply.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I know that it'll probably be non conclusive but I'm throwing this out there anyway after a conversation with a friend.
When it comes to a meet...
Should single men wait politely and patiently to be approached by singles/couples or should they risk being "pushy" and be more proactive and put themselves forward to be considered?"
Proactive and patient but never pushy, that completely unacceptable. Think for myself the only time I’ve been contacted is randomly around three in the morning for a fumble by what I guess are d*unk singles or couples who are in no state for arranging a meet in reality. Otherwise my inbox would still be empty lol. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's not easy being pro-active when you don't get a reply or keep getting knocked back constantly. You start to wonder what the point is and as a result stop trying altogether and let the cards fall where they're supposed to and hope someone finds you appealing enough to message you first without being miles away.
You can go out to clubs and socials, but it's not really helpful in building connections if you're only looking for one or 2 consistent partners."
Very true |
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Much rather they came over to speak than be follow around like a flock of lost sheep.
We never leave the house say we are going for a single guy so do not even consider it unless we have been approached. |
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