FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Dating/relationships the struggle
Dating/relationships the struggle
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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As someone that's been single over 2 years  I'd like to start dating or perhaps get into relationship but one where we would be a normal couple at home but occasionally have threesomes meet other couples or perhaps other people from time to time (the best way to describe it ) problem is when I mention this guys are put off and ofcourse just want to have sex and meeting guys in the world outside this is a struggle as I can't be myself sexually and dont want to be in another vanilla relationship but I find men just don't seem to get it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As someone that's been single over 2 years I'd like to start dating or perhaps get into relationship but one where we would be a normal couple at home but occasionally have threesomes meet other couples or perhaps other people from time to time (the best way to describe it ) problem is when I mention this guys are put off and ofcourse just want to have sex and meeting guys in the world outside this is a struggle as I can't be myself sexually and dont want to be in another vanilla relationship but I find men just don't seem to get it "
Same! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I suspect you may need to look at where you meet ppl and how you filter. Plenty of guys out there ( ) but harder to find in a bar than here say "
I actually find it easier at a bar but then it's introducing them to swinging I'd love a partner that enjoys sharing me but its a myth |
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I'm also looking for the same. Happy being single but would likely now only look for a relationship with someone who was a part of the scene also. Life is about experience and I've experienced too much vanilla!  |
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"As someone that's been single over 2 years I'd like to start dating or perhaps get into relationship but one where we would be a normal couple at home but occasionally have threesomes meet other couples or perhaps other people from time to time (the best way to describe it ) problem is when I mention this guys are put off and ofcourse just want to have sex and meeting guys in the world outside this is a struggle as I can't be myself sexually and dont want to be in another vanilla relationship but I find men just don't seem to get it "
I actually put it in my tinder profile that I’m a swinger and a regular in swinging clubs. It’s a great conversation starter. Especially when you explain to them that it’s not about keys in a bowl  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As someone that's been single over 2 years I'd like to start dating or perhaps get into relationship but one where we would be a normal couple at home but occasionally have threesomes meet other couples or perhaps other people from time to time (the best way to describe it ) problem is when I mention this guys are put off and ofcourse just want to have sex and meeting guys in the world outside this is a struggle as I can't be myself sexually and dont want to be in another vanilla relationship but I find men just don't seem to get it
I actually put it in my tinder profile that I’m a swinger and a regular in swinging clubs. It’s a great conversation starter. Especially when you explain to them that it’s not about keys in a bowl "
Guys just assume I'm a complete whore |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As someone that's been single over 2 years I'd like to start dating or perhaps get into relationship but one where we would be a normal couple at home but occasionally have threesomes meet other couples or perhaps other people from time to time (the best way to describe it ) problem is when I mention this guys are put off and ofcourse just want to have sex and meeting guys in the world outside this is a struggle as I can't be myself sexually and dont want to be in another vanilla relationship but I find men just don't seem to get it
I actually put it in my tinder profile that I’m a swinger and a regular in swinging clubs. It’s a great conversation starter. Especially when you explain to them that it’s not about keys in a bowl
Guys just assume I'm a complete whore "
Oh I am sorry. Not all men think that way outside of the site. Not at all. Many people are more open to different kinds of relationships. |
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"As someone that's been single over 2 years I'd like to start dating or perhaps get into relationship but one where we would be a normal couple at home but occasionally have threesomes meet other couples or perhaps other people from time to time (the best way to describe it ) problem is when I mention this guys are put off and ofcourse just want to have sex and meeting guys in the world outside this is a struggle as I can't be myself sexually and dont want to be in another vanilla relationship but I find men just don't seem to get it
I actually put it in my tinder profile that I’m a swinger and a regular in swinging clubs. It’s a great conversation starter. Especially when you explain to them that it’s not about keys in a bowl
Guys just assume I'm a complete whore "
It depends on how you address it. “I have sex with strangers cause it’s fun” won’t quite get the message across lol
But I wouldn’t see you as a whore x |
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Okcupid has an option to say on your profile you're looking for a non-monogamous relationship and some of the questions they match you based on are related to this. It will especially help if you mark these as important to you. |
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"As someone that's been single over 2 years I'd like to start dating or perhaps get into relationship but one where we would be a normal couple at home but occasionally have threesomes meet other couples or perhaps other people from time to time (the best way to describe it ) problem is when I mention this guys are put off and ofcourse just want to have sex and meeting guys in the world outside this is a struggle as I can't be myself sexually and dont want to be in another vanilla relationship but I find men just don't seem to get it "
Have personally found looking for this more difficult than it sounds. Like you mentioned men on and off fab have the wrong judgement at times. When I did speak to others off fab (which I no longer do as it’s painful) they just automatically presumed you wanted to jump into bed with them. And skip the whole getting to know someone. Good luck  xx |
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I’m also looking for exactly the same plus I don’t want someone in my life 24/7. I’m very independent and like that.
I have mentioned a relationship on my profile, I’m definitely not finding what I want elsewhere tbh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Okcupid has an option to say on your profile you're looking for a non-monogamous relationship and some of the questions they match you based on are related to this. It will especially help if you mark these as important to you. "
I used to love OKCupid for that. It has questions like whether you are into group sex, BDSM etc. But very recently, the app took a nosedive. I don't think it respects our choice of importance on questions anymore. And they have started doing all kind of nonsense to get money out of members instead of making the app experience better. So I eventually quit. |
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We know of a few couples who have met on the scene so it does happen.
Have you tried looking for more of a date experience on here?
There must be plenty of guys who would enjoy wining and dinning you on here and you're in the right area for it. We woukd enjoy it! Lol |
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"Okcupid has an option to say on your profile you're looking for a non-monogamous relationship and some of the questions they match you based on are related to this. It will especially help if you mark these as important to you.
I used to love OKCupid for that. It has questions like whether you are into group sex, BDSM etc. But very recently, the app took a nosedive. I don't think it respects our choice of importance on questions anymore. And they have started doing all kind of nonsense to get money out of members instead of making the app experience better. So I eventually quit."
Yeah it's not as good as it was but for me it's still tonnes better than most other dating sites when it comes to filtering out people based on if they're open to non-monogamy or not. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not sure why it’s a problem, my partner is absolutely vanilla, I’m a bit of a conservative kinster . Had mff and mmf 3somes in the past, trying to get him to try it wirh me and another person, not too sure at first but recently willing to try. I think you just need to find the right person |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's more important...a relationship with someone whose company you enjoy or someone you can swing with?
Sometimes it's just not possible to get everything we want |
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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago
Lincolnshire |
What the op describes sounds like the perfect relationship and it should be easy on fab to meet the perfect partner, but I do often see certain types of guys which might well make up the majority of single men on fab.
Guys that like to have sex with a woman BECAUSE they're married, not because they particularly like or fancy the woman.
Guys that like sharing 'your' wife, but wouldn't share their own. When questioned, we find a lot of guys with this attitude.
So no, it's not easy to find a guy to be an 'extra' let alone one to form a relationship with.
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"What's more important...a relationship with someone whose company you enjoy or someone you can swing with?
Sometimes it's just not possible to get everything we want "
I gave up this lifestyle for a relationship once before and it absolutely was not worth it. It isn't just giving up swinging. It's giving up a large chunk of your social life and even long term friends as often a partner who isn't comfortable with swinging also isn't comfortable with you being friends with people you've been to swingers clubs with. No you can't get everything you want but for some of us this is a big part of our life and I'd rather be single than change so much of my life for someone else. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm kinky and many of the men I've talked to are very open about relationships. In general, not the "Dom" types in my experience. I find a lot of guys who are "kinky" are not extreme - just interested in exploring sexuality and not wedded to exclusivity. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's more important...a relationship with someone whose company you enjoy or someone you can swing with?
Sometimes it's just not possible to get everything we want "
And sometimes it is, as quite a few people on here prove.
It’s ok to want something out of the ordinary. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I suspect you may need to look at where you meet ppl and how you filter. Plenty of guys out there () but harder to find in a bar than here say
I actually find it easier at a bar but then it's introducing them to swinging I'd love a partner that enjoys sharing me but its a myth"
I get it's easier to find guys at bars. But it's harder to find the right kinda guys it seems. Whereas fab/OKC/others helps filter the guys who don't want an open/ethical non Monogomous relationship out. You can be more upfront. And know the other person is more likely to get it. Less judgement here one would hope... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's more important...a relationship with someone whose company you enjoy or someone you can swing with?
Sometimes it's just not possible to get everything we want "
I think having a partner with whom we can be our true self is most important. That includes sexuality. |
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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago
Stirling |
Sometimes when we are looking for something it never happens, it’s often in those unexpected moments that you find someone and you just click!
I think it’s entirely possible to have a relationship where you swing, honesty, communication and trust being key - those are often the qualities which are difficult to find in my experience
I’d say to relax and enjoy it, you never know what could happen but let it happen naturally and it will be all the more fulfilling x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sometimes when we are looking for something it never happens, it’s often in those unexpected moments that you find someone and you just click!
I think it’s entirely possible to have a relationship where you swing, honesty, communication and trust being key - those are often the qualities which are difficult to find in my experience
I’d say to relax and enjoy it, you never know what could happen but let it happen naturally and it will be all the more fulfilling x"
agreed. I found my oh via tinder and while we don’t match exactly there’s no judgement. Trick was finding this out early before investment. We managed this via gifs of all things !! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's more important...a relationship with someone whose company you enjoy or someone you can swing with?
Sometimes it's just not possible to get everything we want
And sometimes it is, as quite a few people on here prove.
It’s ok to want something out of the ordinary. "
Well, of course it is
But the more niche your wants/requirements, the slimmer the chance of them being fulfilled. Sometimes compromise isn't a bad thing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As someone that's been single over 2 years I'd like to start dating or perhaps get into relationship but one where we would be a normal couple at home but occasionally have threesomes meet other couples or perhaps other people from time to time (the best way to describe it ) problem is when I mention this guys are put off and ofcourse just want to have sex and meeting guys in the world outside this is a struggle as I can't be myself sexually and dont want to be in another vanilla relationship but I find men just don't seem to get it "
Nothing wrong with wanting an exciting life away from the regular boredraw, I've been single two years too and it's all dried up. Admire your honesty too, don't get that very much in my experience |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m, the same, would love a partner where we enjoy ‘our time’ but are also to the swinging scene. Not necessarily looking for a full on relationship, although it would be nice, I have a life I have developed while I’ve been single and wouldn’t want to change that to much, especially at the start. I’ve had a conversation with a couple of ex’s, they like the fantasy, but that is as far as it’s got. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’m, the same, would love a partner where we enjoy ‘our time’ but are also to the swinging scene. Not necessarily looking for a full on relationship, although it would be nice, I have a life I have developed while I’ve been single and wouldn’t want to change that to much, especially at the start. I’ve had a conversation with a couple of ex’s, they like the fantasy, but that is as far as it’s got. "
That's another issue some are open to the idea of it or say they are but nothing more |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've had some wonderful relationships with women on here.
I still do, I'm joining an all girl bowling team with some of them and I have my ripped jeans, blow up breasts and wig to look the part. Dunno if I'll get away with it but be a laugh trying.
Not always about sex, can be fun too. |
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"It would be nice if someone organised something like speed dating for swingers and kinksters. Wonder if it used to happen before lockdown.
"
There is no reason why someone cannot set a fab I want to date social up, especially if there is enough interest  |
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By *ohohoWoman
over a year ago
Up North |
"Stop looking. Just have fun. Keep yourself open to opportunities, you never know who you'll meet. "
So true. I used to pretend to myself I wasn’t looking, but when I was genuinely happy by myself (5 years + single) boom I met the man I now live with at a swinging club. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You're looking for a needle in a haystack. It'll take a lot of patience and perseverance, and an ungodly amount of luck, but keep the faith that your golden needle does exist! The sheer number of happy couples profiles on here is testament that it's possible  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Stop looking. Just have fun. Keep yourself open to opportunities, you never know who you'll meet.
So true. I used to pretend to myself I wasn’t looking, but when I was genuinely happy by myself (5 years + single) boom I met the man I now live with at a swinging club. "
Very similar situation to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It would be nice if someone organised something like speed dating for swingers and kinksters. Wonder if it used to happen before lockdown.
There is no reason why someone cannot set a fab I want to date social up, especially if there is enough interest "
Yes. But someone still has to book a table somewhere based on the size. Too much work that is |
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By *ohohoWoman
over a year ago
Up North |
"Stop looking. Just have fun. Keep yourself open to opportunities, you never know who you'll meet.
So true. I used to pretend to myself I wasn’t looking, but when I was genuinely happy by myself (5 years + single) boom I met the man I now live with at a swinging club.
Very similar situation to me. "
I see from your pictures you had a proposal as well.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Been single a few years now , definitely not as much fun as my married friends suspect, but I’m at a time where I want a little more would love a relationship, but after so long I’m not sure where to start or how lol , but the idea of a exclusive friend with benefits and growing into more is more appealing than other sites, at least you can be honest about what you want on here and the pace of things and with labels stripped away things can evolve less forced , that’s the fantasy anyway |
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Single and its difficult to find a lady who also enjoys this lifestyle. My ideal partner would be a lady to love and be loved by but one who is hapoy to let me watch her with other guys. Even for her to go with guys on her own and tell me all about it. Im still looking for that one in a million lady |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Been single a few years now , definitely not as much fun as my married friends suspect, but I’m at a time where I want a little more would love a relationship, but after so long I’m not sure where to start or how lol , but the idea of a exclusive friend with benefits and growing into more is more appealing than other sites, at least you can be honest about what you want on here and the pace of things and with labels stripped away things can evolve less forced , that’s the fantasy anyway "
Yes, I like the honesty too. Exclusive is unlikely though - nearly all women on this site will surely be non-monogamous? |
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I think the people who have found this and have found success and that things got stronger are people who actually had a relationship first, the premise wasn’t finding someone who swings but it was an added bonus. So it really is a together thing and not premised entirely on play
I’d say I understand that you don’t want a monogamous relationship but maybe a halfway ground where it starts that way so you can build a relationship first and then it develop into sharing. Ultimately though you might disagree but if you want a relationship it’s important to build on solid foundations and it’s in my view more likely to be successful if things grow organically. Also, sexually i tend to find people who are less vanilla in bed are more up for the idea of it
Anyways just thoughts suspect others will have entirely differing views which is absolutely cool |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the people who have found this and have found success and that things got stronger are people who actually had a relationship first, the premise wasn’t finding someone who swings but it was an added bonus. So it really is a together thing and not premised entirely on play
I’d say I understand that you don’t want a monogamous relationship but maybe a halfway ground where it starts that way so you can build a relationship first and then it develop into sharing. Ultimately though you might disagree but if you want a relationship it’s important to build on solid foundations and it’s in my view more likely to be successful if things grow organically. Also, sexually i tend to find people who are less vanilla in bed are more up for the idea of it
Anyways just thoughts suspect others will have entirely differing views which is absolutely cool"
I quite like this |
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"
I actually find it easier at a bar but then it's introducing them to swinging I'd love a partner that enjoys sharing me but its a myth"
Finding anyone who is open minded enough to enjoy a different kind of sex life is tough generally.
What I have noticed is that the vast majority of those who are
More open minded tend not to go to general pubs.
They are more involved with activities and clubs. Whether active or hobby driven.
A generally pub and football loving male, tend to be single minded when it comes to relationships.
Not all. But most.
Want to meet interesting people you have to think out the box.
Going to the same pubs day in day out limits you potential mate.
Probably got more chance in a large super market!!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Been single a few years now , definitely not as much fun as my married friends suspect, but I’m at a time where I want a little more would love a relationship, but after so long I’m not sure where to start or how lol , but the idea of a exclusive friend with benefits and growing into more is more appealing than other sites, at least you can be honest about what you want on here and the pace of things and with labels stripped away things can evolve less forced , that’s the fantasy anyway
Yes, I like the honesty too. Exclusive is unlikely though - nearly all women on this site will surely be non-monogamous? "
There are quite a few women who don’t share, only share when the couple are together. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Been single a few years now , definitely not as much fun as my married friends suspect, but I’m at a time where I want a little more would love a relationship, but after so long I’m not sure where to start or how lol , but the idea of a exclusive friend with benefits and growing into more is more appealing than other sites, at least you can be honest about what you want on here and the pace of things and with labels stripped away things can evolve less forced , that’s the fantasy anyway
Yes, I like the honesty too. Exclusive is unlikely though - nearly all women on this site will surely be non-monogamous?
There are quite a few women who don’t share, only share when the couple are together."
Isn't that still non-monogamy? I was attracted to this site because I was fed up of being shamed for being non-mono tbh. Still very new to the different elements of swinging. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Been single a few years now , definitely not as much fun as my married friends suspect, but I’m at a time where I want a little more would love a relationship, but after so long I’m not sure where to start or how lol , but the idea of a exclusive friend with benefits and growing into more is more appealing than other sites, at least you can be honest about what you want on here and the pace of things and with labels stripped away things can evolve less forced , that’s the fantasy anyway
Yes, I like the honesty too. Exclusive is unlikely though - nearly all women on this site will surely be non-monogamous?
There are quite a few women who don’t share, only share when the couple are together.
Isn't that still non-monogamy? I was attracted to this site because I was fed up of being shamed for being non-mono tbh. Still very new to the different elements of swinging. "
I did not think my answer though , it’s too early still.
I think you’re right, but it’s a consensual non monogamy then.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just be yourself, with everyone... Tell them what you are looking for, regardless of platform... If people don't like that then they aren't your people... Trying to be someone you aren't, to keep everyone else happy gets fucking tiring, very fast! If you know what you want, find it... It does exist. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Been single a few years now , definitely not as much fun as my married friends suspect, but I’m at a time where I want a little more would love a relationship, but after so long I’m not sure where to start or how lol , but the idea of a exclusive friend with benefits and growing into more is more appealing than other sites, at least you can be honest about what you want on here and the pace of things and with labels stripped away things can evolve less forced , that’s the fantasy anyway
Yes, I like the honesty too. Exclusive is unlikely though - nearly all women on this site will surely be non-monogamous?
There are quite a few women who don’t share, only share when the couple are together.
Isn't that still non-monogamy? I was attracted to this site because I was fed up of being shamed for being non-mono tbh. Still very new to the different elements of swinging.
I did not think my answer though , it’s too early still.
I think you’re right, but it’s a consensual non monogamy then.
"
Far too early for the complications of non-monogamy! I describe myself as ethically non-mono but not sure ENM is a term used here much. I mean that I don't sleep with men whose partners aren't ok with it. Swinging is a whole other game. |
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
I can totally relate and I haven't even made swinging a criteria (yet), only great sex.
The ones who want me I don't want, and the ones I like don't want me or are complacent.
I think that it is all down to chance but you can do things to improve your chances. My plan is to go to the organised socials here whenever I can, because it's easier to connect with someone in person. Good luck! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think the trick is finding someone who has wants and needs that marry with yours
Even 'swingers' have very different interpretations of how their dynamic works - and even that, in itself, can be very situational
It's like watching ducks in a pond
Most of them swim round in random circles, making an awful lot of noise, but not actually getting anywhere or doing anything
Then you spot the pair that float and paddle in perfect harmony together, away from the crowd, so serene that their moves barely break water
Sometimes, you have to swim with the circlers to find the one who glides effortlessy beside you
Good Luck |
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"
I'd love a partner that enjoys sharing me but its a myth"
It's certainly not a myth. I met someone many years ago who I swung with and we both enjoyed seeing each other playing with different partner's.
Sadly, that relationship didn't last but I'd love to have a similar thing again. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As someone that's been single over 2 years I'd like to start dating or perhaps get into relationship but one where we would be a normal couple at home but occasionally have threesomes meet other couples or perhaps other people from time to time (the best way to describe it ) problem is when I mention this guys are put off and ofcourse just want to have sex and meeting guys in the world outside this is a struggle as I can't be myself sexually and dont want to be in another vanilla relationship but I find men just don't seem to get it
I actually put it in my tinder profile that I’m a swinger and a regular in swinging clubs. It’s a great conversation starter. Especially when you explain to them that it’s not about keys in a bowl
Guys just assume I'm a complete whore "
Would you want to change, just to be with someone like that? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've pretty much only joined this site to meet that special someone to have a loving relationship with someone who has that extra bit of sexuality that what you generally find from vanilla dating sites.
I live in hope. |
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By *issButtonWoman
over a year ago
Nottinghamshire |
"It would be nice if someone organised something like speed dating for swingers and kinksters. Wonder if it used to happen before lockdown.
There is no reason why someone cannot set a fab I want to date social up, especially if there is enough interest "
Someone please do this in the Midlands! |
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"It would be nice if someone organised something like speed dating for swingers and kinksters. Wonder if it used to happen before lockdown.
There is no reason why someone cannot set a fab I want to date social up, especially if there is enough interest
Someone please do this in the Midlands! "
This is a great idea, i'd be well up for it |
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"Try dating sites where it is possible to set these as preferences. OKC is good for this. "
OKC is shit now, you can’t message unless you use your weekly “superlike,” and there’s no “ intro’s” any more, unless you pay. |
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"I think the trick is finding someone who has wants and needs that marry with yours
Even 'swingers' have very different interpretations of how their dynamic works - and even that, in itself, can be very situational
It's like watching ducks in a pond
Most of them swim round in random circles, making an awful lot of noise, but not actually getting anywhere or doing anything
Then you spot the pair that float and paddle in perfect harmony together, away from the crowd, so serene that their moves barely break water
Sometimes, you have to swim with the circlers to find the one who glides effortlessy beside you
Good Luck "
Beautifully put Bussy! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm on a few dating sites and see tons of men looking citing that they are non monogamous Definitely a lot more than a few years back I would say. Like other posters have mentioned, OKCupid is good in terms of the questions where you can see where others may share your preferences. |
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