FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Best jokes please
Best jokes please
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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As requested, a new jokes thread!
The more daddish, the better  |
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Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
Because it ran out of juice!!! |
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A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a pint and a mop |
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!!! |
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eyed deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eyed deer |
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Good girl 
What has five fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand |
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Why did the chewy cross the road?
Cause it was stuck to the chickens foot |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Why did the rabbit cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken |
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Last night I dreamt I was swimming in orange pop, when I woke up I realised it was just a fantasea!
You’re welcome Miss Pc |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it." |
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What has six legs, six eyes and six hands?
Six pirates |
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By *yronMan
over a year ago
grangemouth |
What's brown and sticky?
A stick. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
I was wondering why this ball kept looking bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me. |
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By *yronMan
over a year ago
grangemouth |
How do you get a Nun pregnant?
Fuck her. |
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Whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
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You cant wash your hands in a buffalo |
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Did you hear the one about the magic tractor??
It drove down the road and turned into a field. |
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By *yronMan
over a year ago
grangemouth |
Horse walks into a bar
Barman: why the long face? |
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What do you call a fly with no wings??
A walk.. |
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Do you know what I can't get over?
Tall buildings!  
Sorry! 
Jo.Xx |
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What difference between a kan-ga-roo and a kan-ga-rout.
One is an Australian mammal the other is a scotsman locked in a toilet. |
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"Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!!!"
Why did the perfert cross the road
He was attached to the chicken |
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What's the difference between being kinky and being perverted
If you're kinky you use a feather
If you're perverted you use the whole chicken
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[Removed by poster at 22/08/21 12:58:19] |
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because that's where all the cocks hang out.. |
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Roman centurion walks into a bar raises 2 fingers and says 5 beers plesse |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I love you lot, and all your jokes |
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Why can't a Trex clap its hands?
Because it's extinct |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why can't a Trex clap its hands?
Because it's extinct "
I’m stealing that one |
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By *aviniaCDTV/TS
over a year ago
Leeds (close to GAP) |
I met my wife at a bus stop. We got on straight away..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just been to the butchers and bought 8 legs of Venison.
He charged me £300!!
Was that two dear??
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My grandad bought a car from the Kray brothers, I said to him 'what reg' ???
He said, no Ronnie  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My grandad bought a car from the Kray brothers, I said to him 'what reg' ???
He said, no Ronnie "
That was very funny!! |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Pungent: a bloke that tells rotten jokes. |
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A white horse walks into a bar and says large scotch please.
Barman says that's odd, we have a scotch named after you
The white horse says OK, a large Eric please. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
How do you confuse an idiot?
Thursday! |
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What do you call an Irish beer thief? Nick Mcguiness
What do you call an Irish glazier? Paddy O'Doors |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
If you crush:
olives to get olive oil
peanuts to get peanut oil
sunflower seeds to get sunflower oil
and cod liver to get cod liver oil...
Then how do you make baby oil?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Had a dream about you last night,
Did you?
No, you wouldn't let me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did the skeleton decide not to attend the party?
Because he had no body to go with....
....I'll get my coat... Lol. |
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By *lappyMan
over a year ago
Manchester |
Bruce Lee wasn’t the fastest member of his family as he was always beat by his brother sudden |
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Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning. |
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If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and I together, which is why I'm no longer an English teacher. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What’s 6 inches long and smells of Ginger?
Fred Astaire's Penis. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
In the spirit of equality: the people who run Hooters are going to open a new chain called Peckers and have a woodpecker on a piece of wood, as their logo.
All the waiting staff will be male and W/E. |
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Did you know Russell Crowe 's brother mike is really tiny.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A Roman walks in to a bar. Holds up two fingers; "5 beers please" |
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By *iyoMan
over a year ago
kent |
Why can’t a dick be 12” long ? |
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By *otMe66Man
over a year ago
Terra Firma |
2 nuns walking through a cemetery late at night on their way back home. When a vampire suddenly jumped out from behind a grave, fangs glistening in the moonlight
and ready to feast upon the victims!!!
The first nun said to the 2nd nun, "Mary, quick! Show that creature your cross!!!
Mary spun around as quick as a flash and screamed, fu*k off you horrible bastard before I kick your head in. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do gay horses eat?
HAAAAAAAAAAAY!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two goldfish in a tank and the first one says, "Well, I don't know how to drive this thing." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two parrots on a perch and the first one says, "Can you smell fish?" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two bandits on a train and the first one says, "We better move or we're going to rip this dress." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A guy invites his mate to a fancy dress party. The evening arrives and the door bells goes...the guy opens the door to see his mate stood there in nothing but a pair of Y-fronts.
"What the fook are you supposed to be?!" he asked
His mate says "I'm a premature ejaculation...I've just come in my pants" |
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I'm thinking up a joke about construction...I'm still working on it  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Loving all these |
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I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon. |
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My mate thinks he's a donkey.
Eeyore to know better. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire Man the other day.....
.....he was wearing a Cat Flap! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My mate thinks he's a donkey.
Eeyore to know better."
Love this! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire Man the other day.....
.....he was wearing a Cat Flap! "
And this one |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon."
I went out with a maths teacher once: it never worked out, as she had too many problems.
Her best mate who was also a games teacher, gave me the run around. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire Man the other day.....
.....he was wearing a Cat Flap!
And this one "
Got to love a spoonerism. |
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By *edGrayCouple
over a year ago
Swindon |
A woman walks into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one! |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Did you know that Boy George was a lizard whisperer, especially the smaller variety that live in tree?
Calm a, calm a, calm a, calm a chameleon. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"A woman walks into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one! "
A dyslexic walks into a bar and shouts "Bitty!" |
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What do you do if you see a spaceman....
Park in it man  |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
The German for bra is stoppemphlopum. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
What do you call a spider with no legs? A currant. |
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Did you hear about the man with five dicks? His condoms fit like a glove |
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My favourite joke.
What do you call a Mexican peeping Tom?
Señor Minge. |
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How do you confuse an Irishman?
Show him two shovels and tell him to take his pick. |
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Two eggs in a frying pan, one says to the other, ‘it’s bloody hot in here innit’, the other egg in shock says ‘fuck me, a talking egg!!!’ |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My favourite joke.
What do you call a Mexican peeping Tom?
Señor Minge."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the fella who drowned in a bowl of muesli? He got pulled under by a strong current |
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"Two eggs in a frying pan, one says to the other, ‘it’s bloody hot in here innit’, the other egg in shock says ‘fuck me, a talking egg!!!’"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the fella who drowned in a bowl of muesli? He got pulled under by a strong current "
Haha, I love that one |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Was in the petrol station the other day and said to the woman behind the counter, “can I have a Kit Kat chunky?”
She handed me a Kit Kat chunky.
So I gave it her back and said, “no, just a normal Kit Kat you fat bitch”
No offence intended, it’s only a joke |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
What do you call an Indian lesbian?
Mingeater |
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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
I've got a Cross dressing mate who lives in Lancashire.
He's got a Wigan address. |
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What is E.T. short for? Cos he's only got little legs |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"I've got a Cross dressing mate who lives in Lancashire.
He's got a Wigan address."
How old is that joke? Wigan stopped being in Lancs in 1974. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"What is E.T. short for? Cos he's only got little legs "
That's why he had trouble phoning home, he was short: short of cash! |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
I was going to be a standup up comedian: but the wages were a joke. |
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"As requested, a new jokes thread!
The more daddish, the better "
What wobbles in the sky?
A Jellycopter! |
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"As requested, a new jokes thread!
The more daddish, the better
What wobbles in the sky?
A Jellycopter!"
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
He wasn't Peeling well! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hired a limo to go on a fancy date,
When it turned up the driver got out and walked away.
I shouted "aren't you going to drive?", He replied "you didn't pay for a driver".
So I'm left there all dressed up with a limo and nothing to chauffeur it! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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By *ostafunMan
over a year ago
near ipswich |
2 guys get caught stealing some batteries and fireworks they charged one and let the other one off. boom boom. |
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I went snail racing last night and thought mine would be quicker if I removed it’s shell……
Although it just made it more sluggish |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Headline in the Irish SUN: Cork man drowns, police can confirm the identity of the 38 year old male as Bob Ing. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I went snail racing last night and thought mine would be quicker if I removed it’s shell……
Although it just made it more sluggish "
Hahaha! I love that one |
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I bought a new wig the other day made out of bum hair, but it wasn’t very good…..
Because it keeps blowing off! |
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I had a neck brace fitted a few years ago, l haven’t looked back since |
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What runs down your nose at over 100mph......
Lambogreeni |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man walks into a bar
Ouch! |
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By *igtatsMan
over a year ago
gravesend |
What’s the difference between and enzyme and a hormone.
You can’t hear an enzyme  |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
I was at Black cat roundabout the other day. I though I heard it meowing to it's two kittens...Meeeeeoooowww, every ten seconds. Then I looked up as saw a whole load of superbikers shoot through the likes, like their arses were on fire. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Why did the rabbit cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken "
Because the sex toy, had fell out of her handbag and rolled down the hill. |
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"I was going to be a standup up comedian: but the wages were a joke."
They all laughed when I said I was going to be a stand up comedian... they're not laughing now |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Winnie The Pooh's gone to the West Indies"
"Antigua?"
"No, I think he went with Piglet". |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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""Winnie The Pooh's gone to the West Indies"
"Antigua?"
"No, I think he went with Piglet"."
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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Two Daleks went cold calling one day, to sell some financial products, the converstaion went like this...
Dalek: Hello, we are from Skaros loans and we would like to offer you the chance to realease the assets on your property. But first I need to ask if you are the homeowner?
Timelord: Yes and no!
D: What do you mean by yes and no?
T: Yes you can ask me and no I am not the home owner; I'm just a Tennant!
D: Could we interest you in a loan?
T: No! But I'd be interested in you leaving me alone.
(He then slams the door shut and fires up the TARDIS)
Sightly bemused they become angry and start getting their knickers in a twist, as the blue box buggers off...
D: Grrrrrr!
Extortionate interest rate, Extortionate interest rate!
*****************
Warning, it'll soon be panto season. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eyed deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eyed deer"
What do u call a still no idea?
Cash and carry |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a car like that once |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here. I’ll go on ahead. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What does a man with a 10" cock eat for breakfast?
Well, this morning, i had a bowl of cornflakes. |
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"What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eyed deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eyed deer"
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What’s green and smells of pork?
Kermits finger. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve recently started telling people about the benefits of dry grapes. It’s called raisin awareness |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Its Getting Serious.. please put on your masks.
It saves lives.
Yesterday a friend of mine who is married, went out with his girlfriend, and his wife crossed their path..but did not recognize him.
The mask really saved his life. |
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Two old ladies talking . One says since I’ve been taking them steroids I’m growing a penis. The other replies anabolic ? She replies no just a penis |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I never trust steps !!!!!!
….. always up to something |
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I need a joke about about white sugar but there's none here . They're not common !!
Brown sugar jokes ? Dem-are-rarer |
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Went to the premature ejaculators meeting today , but it turns out its tomorrow |
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How many fish do you get in a pair of tights.
5.
2 eels, 2 sole and a big wet plaice. |
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I saw a guy in Glasgow looking under the bonnet of his car with a puzzled look on his face.
Piston broke I said to him.
Aye me too, he replied. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. |
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What’s green and smells of bacon?
Kermit’s finger |
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By *ltra72Man
over a year ago
edinburgh |
What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Where do the lesbians live in Milton Keynes?
Tonguewell Street. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I saw a guy dressed as a banana at the cricket. I said "are you on your own?"
He said "there was a bunch of us but we split." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I saw a guy dressed as a banana at the cricket. I said "are you on your own?"
He said "there was a bunch of us but we split.""
I like this one |
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By *igtatsMan
over a year ago
gravesend |
What type of tea do babies drink …. Tit tea |
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By *ev-PMan
over a year ago
Hampshire |
How to catch a rabbit.
Sit in a field and make a noise like a lettuce. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
What car do opticians drive?
Ford focus. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did the manager get sacked from the sperm bank. He got caught EATING ON THE JOB. LOL |
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By *ltra72Man
over a year ago
edinburgh |
Bill and Ben sitting in the garden
Bill said to Ben flobalobalob
Ben said swallow it ffs |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What’s the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer?
The taste. |
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Two snowmen in a field.
One asks the other; “Can you smell carrots?” |
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Scientists have proven a rare dinosaur was exclusively lesbian - the lickalorrapuss quickly became extinct!! |
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I went to the opticians today guess who I dumped into?
Everyone. |
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What's the difference between a working girl and a coffin
You cum in one and go in the other |
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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago
1950's Original |
Rummaging through the attic,the wife said "Ooo look,I can still fit in my wedding dress"!
I said " That's the marquee""
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Thank you for your order from our sex shop
You asked for the large red dildo featured on our wall
Please select another product as that is our fire extinguisher
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"A guy invites his mate to a fancy dress party. The evening arrives and the door bells goes...the guy opens the door to see his mate stood there in nothing but a pair of Y-fronts.
"What the fook are you supposed to be?!" he asked
His mate says "I'm a premature ejaculation...I've just come in my pants""
The next guy walks up to the door with his willy in a bowl of custard.
"What the hell are you?!"
"I'm fucking dis-custard" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it down a hill. |
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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago
Derbyshire village |
Did you know bees are allergic to pollen?
They develop hives! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thank you for your order from our sex shop
You asked for the large red dildo featured on our wall
Please select another product as that is our fire extinguisher
"
Haha |
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By *xhib12Man
over a year ago
Blyth |
Two women in the bath. One turns to the other and says, "where's the soap"? The other one says, "it does doesn't it"?. |
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"Two women in the bath. One turns to the other and says, "where's the soap"? The other one says, "it does doesn't it"?."
I believe the original was 2 nuns in a bath...
In the vein...
2 nuns riding a tandem bike down a cobbled street
The one at the front says
"I've never come this way befor"
One on the back replies
"Nei nei ther ther ha ha ve
I" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why do philosophers never sit down at work? Because they stand to reason. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Rummaging through the attic,the wife said "Ooo look,I can still fit in my wedding dress"!
I said " That's the marquee""
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the constipated Mathmatician?
He used a pencil to work it out. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the constipated Mathmatician?
He used a pencil to work it out."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two Irish men sat at the bar, one night.
One turned to the other and asks 'You look familiar, have we met?'
The man replies 'I don't know. Maybe. Where did you grow up?'
The first man says 'Co.Claire, by the old Byron Church'
The man replies 'Aye I'm from Co.Claire as well! Where did you go to school?' He asks.
The first man replies 'Sure I went to St Mary's , off the old Byron Road'
'Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I did too!' exclaimed the first man. 'What year did you leave?' the first man asks.
'1978. My teacher was Father Thomas, of the Byron Parish' said the second man.
'Holy Mother of ****, same as me! I knew you looked familiar'
Bartender says 'fucking twins are pissed again' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was walking past a farm and saw a sign “Duck, eggs”
I thought it was an unnecessary comma, and then it hit me |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was walking past a farm and saw a sign “Duck, eggs”
I thought it was an unnecessary comma, and then it hit me "
I love this one  |
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Had a friend that was too scared to grow apples...
Told him to grow a pear.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I locked myself out, through the letterbox I whispered to the cat sat on the stairs "oi let me in " the cat said me ow |
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By *SuperbMan
over a year ago
now in Germany |
What noise does a scary bee make?
BOO BEE |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What noise does a scary bee make?
BOO BEE"
HaHa, very good |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was watching a weird porn movie basically it involved a middle aged man in his dressing gown on his sofa wanking then I realised I hadn't turned on the TV |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was watching a weird porn movie basically it involved a middle aged man in his dressing gown on his sofa wanking then I realised I hadn't turned on the TV "
This made me laugh a lot, possibly more than it should have |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was watching a weird porn movie basically it involved a middle aged man in his dressing gown on his sofa wanking then I realised I hadn't turned on the TV
This made me laugh a lot, possibly more than it should have "
Cheers I'm here all week |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Also it was a joke honestly it was
Not a character reflection of me |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
Q: What's a porn star's favorite drink?
A: 7 Up in cider. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Woman goes to the doctor with a bit of lettuce sticking out her pussy
Doctor: that looks nasty
Woman: nasty……that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’ll get my coat |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Woman goes to the doctor with a bit of lettuce sticking out her pussy
Doctor: that looks nasty
Woman: nasty……that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’ll get my coat "
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By *damBFDMan
over a year ago
Shipley |
What else spreads other than covid ?
Your wife’s legs |
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By *ocusMan
over a year ago
Cambridge |
What did the slug say to the snail?
“Big Issue sir?”
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By *ocusMan
over a year ago
Cambridge |
Waiter: Are you ready to order sir?
Customer: Yes I'll have the Chicken Pissoles please.
Waiter looks at the menu: Sorry that's a misprint. It should be "R"
Customer: Okay then. I'll have two Chicken Arseholes. |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls. |
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By *iss KissWoman
over a year ago
near Coventry |
Velcro .....
What a rip off! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Velcro .....
What a rip off!"
Tim vine  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Someone just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me!!! What the hellmann!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Someone just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me!!! What the hellmann!! "
How dairy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Someone just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me!!! What the hellmann!!
How dairy"
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By *iss KissWoman
over a year ago
near Coventry |
"Velcro .....
What a rip off!
Tim vine "
Indeed. It's an oldie |
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