FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Dementia v old age
Dementia v old age
Jump to: Newest in thread
 | |||
| |||
| |||
"I noticed this with my mother a few years after my father had died. So I moved in with her and stayed for nine months to look after her, the best decision I have ever made as now although she has died I have happy memories that in hindsight would never have been." That's good to hear. | |||
| |||
"I really don't know for sure I suspect I'd leave them to it for my own well-being " Yeah, I hear you, I think there's a middle ground to be found maybe | |||
"Oh this is so hard. I don't have any advice but wanted to offer my sympathy as this is a terrible choice to have to make.we lost my dad last year but luckily my youngest sister was able to get a house that gives my mother some privacy and independence but it's still in her house. " Thank you. I don't really need advice, it's gone way past that . I'm glad your mum couan live with your sister. | |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia. "That is a very difficult situation. My nans behaviour was very similar, she had money but didn't like the "home help" coming in twice a week. She would ask visiting family members to do the chores instead. She was very stubborn. She stayed this way until she had a fall and went into warden assisted accommodation. I would say not to force them to get extra help and continue to help as you already are but don't take more of the burden on yourself. | |||
| |||
| |||
"If they have mental capacity there isn’t much you can do other than try and coax them along. If they are deemed not to have capacity then you be more forceful and try to get them into a Home. Have they always lived frugally or is it a recent thing? The trouble is it’s their money and you can’t force them to spend it, which is very stressful for family who see the appalling conditions their loved ones live in, but they themselves are oblivious to. But it does all depend on their mental capacity." Exactly this.If they are mentally and physically capable and are happy themselves with the way things are there is not a lot you can do bar try and talk with them about it all and try and get them more help. | |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia.
That is a very difficult situation.
My nans behaviour was very similar, she had money but didn't like the "home help" coming in twice a week. She would ask visiting family members to do the chores instead. She was very stubborn.
She stayed this way until she had a fall and went into warden assisted accommodation.
I would say not to force them to get extra help and continue to help as you already are but don't take more of the burden on yourself.
"Sorry to hear about your nan. I've decided to do as you suggest in your last paragraph. It's difficult but the only way to maintain my sanity or what little remains of it  | |||
"It's incredibly hard. When my grandfather went through this, when he was still living at home, one of my parents would find an excuse to take him for a drive while my siblings and I, plus my other parent, would frantically clean his dishes and anything else that looked particularly unhygienic. We didn't want to take his dignity but we didn't want him to get really ill. He never had any in home help apart from that kind of thing that all his children and grandchildren participated in." My daughter and I call this "stealth cleaning" | |||
"If they have mental capacity there isn’t much you can do other than try and coax them along. If they are deemed not to have capacity then you be more forceful and try to get them into a Home. Have they always lived frugally or is it a recent thing? The trouble is it’s their money and you can’t force them to spend it, which is very stressful for family who see the appalling conditions their loved ones live in, but they themselves are oblivious to. But it does all depend on their mental capacity." They have always lived within their means but the current reluctance to spend money is much more extreme. The choices they're making about what to spend their money on are not sensible to my mind. Mental capacity is another thorny question. They both have perfect capacity when required, they're both still able to appear perfectly capable for long enough to convince everyone things are fine. | |||
 | |||
"If they have mental capacity there isn’t much you can do other than try and coax them along. If they are deemed not to have capacity then you be more forceful and try to get them into a Home. Have they always lived frugally or is it a recent thing? The trouble is it’s their money and you can’t force them to spend it, which is very stressful for family who see the appalling conditions their loved ones live in, but they themselves are oblivious to. But it does all depend on their mental capacity. Exactly this.If they are mentally and physically capable and are happy themselves with the way things are there is not a lot you can do bar try and talk with them about it all and try and get them more help." They aren't physically capable. Mentally capable would depend on who they're talking to and what day it is. | |||
"I'd say neither. I'd opt more for a constantly evolving and caring approach. Respect their choice but push to ensure their choice causes as little harm to them as possible. Old age can be a confusing and scary place and most people can't quite put themselves in that position of adult decline and helplessness to fully understand it "I agree with your last paragraph. | |||
"I'd say neither. I'd opt more for a constantly evolving and caring approach. Respect their choice but push to ensure their choice causes as little harm to them as possible. Old age can be a confusing and scary place and most people can't quite put themselves in that position of adult decline and helplessness to fully understand it
I agree with your last paragraph."My dad had a stroke earlier this year and it really made me think about how confusing and helpless and demoralising it can be to be an "adult" but not be able to do some of the things even a child can do. Like suddenly he can't do maths for example so he can't calculate what time he needs to catch the bus to get anywhere and he's often an hour early. It's funny, even for him because he hasn't lost his sense if humour, yet proper sad also. He doesn't want to be treated like a child or told what he can/should do but at the same time he can't trust himself to pay his bills or buy anything expensive in case he gets the numbers wrong. I think it shows a true adult to be able to help and be helped and that's probably much more difficult than all of the things we think are really difficult in our younger more capable years x | |||
| |||
| |||
"I'd say neither. I'd opt more for a constantly evolving and caring approach. Respect their choice but push to ensure their choice causes as little harm to them as possible. Old age can be a confusing and scary place and most people can't quite put themselves in that position of adult decline and helplessness to fully understand it
I agree with your last paragraph.
My dad had a stroke earlier this year and it really made me think about how confusing and helpless and demoralising it can be to be an "adult" but not be able to do some of the things even a child can do. Like suddenly he can't do maths for example so he can't calculate what time he needs to catch the bus to get anywhere and he's often an hour early. It's funny, even for him because he hasn't lost his sense if humour, yet proper sad also. He doesn't want to be treated like a child or told what he can/should do but at the same time he can't trust himself to pay his bills or buy anything expensive in case he gets the numbers wrong. I think it shows a true adult to be able to help and be helped and that's probably much more difficult than all of the things we think are really difficult in our younger more capable years x"That's very true and I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Will be improve over time with physio? | |||
"We had a similar situation with my Nanna. It’s an awful position to be in. We left her to it and kept a very close eye on her until it became an issue of safety. Then we intervened and had to force a change. By that time she didn’t have full understanding of who she was or where she lived and she was very well cared for and, most importantly, safe. " It's safety that's the most important thing isn't it. | |||
"If older people are a danger to themselves or other people, which would make the decision to intervene easier I think, I am inclined to think we humans have a fundamental right to make our own decisions even if those appear bad to others. It is about letting them have the freedom and dignity to make their choices. Notwithstanding, I would from time to time ask them to consider more comfortable options, perhaps? Not an easy situation by any stretch of imagination. " I wholeheartedly agree. I can't begin to describe to you the conditions they're living in. If that is maintaining their freedom and dignity it's at a huge cost to their quality of life but as you say, it's their choice | |||
| |||
"If they have mental capacity there isn’t much you can do other than try and coax them along. If they are deemed not to have capacity then you be more forceful and try to get them into a Home. Have they always lived frugally or is it a recent thing? The trouble is it’s their money and you can’t force them to spend it, which is very stressful for family who see the appalling conditions their loved ones live in, but they themselves are oblivious to. But it does all depend on their mental capacity. Exactly this.If they are mentally and physically capable and are happy themselves with the way things are there is not a lot you can do bar try and talk with them about it all and try and get them more help. They aren't physically capable. Mentally capable would depend on who they're talking to and what day it is. " If that is the case then you should definitely be able to get more help from social services but I know over here it can take a good while for them to be accessed for extra care. It's a horrible situation for you to be in. I work in care and see how hard it can be when people come to where I work at first but they do normally settle in quick enough and luckily we have couples who live together in as well but I think sometimes it is harder for the families who feel they have left their parents down but they haven't they have done all they can but it gets to a point sometimes when for everyone's sake and well being that it is the better option knowing they are safe and looked after. | |||
"I am a nurse in a care home and seeing and hearing how families struggle with decisions regarding their loved ones can be quite upsetting. Their safety should be paramount, Okay so the house may be untidy etc but if family can help by doing little jobs and maybe encouraging them to do it themselves can be beneficial. As soon as safety becomes an issue then I'm sorry to say but sometimes hard decisions need to be made.. DOLS should be considered x" What's DOLS Sparkle? The house is beyond untidy. I arrange a deep clean from time to time. My mother is unable to even make herself a cup of coffee | |||
"If older people are a danger to themselves or other people, which would make the decision to intervene easier I think, I am inclined to think we humans have a fundamental right to make our own decisions even if those appear bad to others. It is about letting them have the freedom and dignity to make their choices. Notwithstanding, I would from time to time ask them to consider more comfortable options, perhaps? Not an easy situation by any stretch of imagination. I wholeheartedly agree. I can't begin to describe to you the conditions they're living in. If that is maintaining their freedom and dignity it's at a huge cost to their quality of life but as you say, it's their choice" My heart goes out to you and anybody in the situation... having to watch this. It is one reason why I decided to do a Power of Attorney for financial and health matters - my POAs will decide for me if they think I am making bad decisions. Of course you have to really trust them...literally with your life. | |||
"If they have mental capacity there isn’t much you can do other than try and coax them along. If they are deemed not to have capacity then you be more forceful and try to get them into a Home. Have they always lived frugally or is it a recent thing? The trouble is it’s their money and you can’t force them to spend it, which is very stressful for family who see the appalling conditions their loved ones live in, but they themselves are oblivious to. But it does all depend on their mental capacity. Exactly this.If they are mentally and physically capable and are happy themselves with the way things are there is not a lot you can do bar try and talk with them about it all and try and get them more help. They aren't physically capable. Mentally capable would depend on who they're talking to and what day it is. If that is the case then you should definitely be able to get more help from social services but I know over here it can take a good while for them to be accessed for extra care. It's a horrible situation for you to be in. I work in care and see how hard it can be when people come to where I work at first but they do normally settle in quick enough and luckily we have couples who live together in as well but I think sometimes it is harder for the families who feel they have left their parents down but they haven't they have done all they can but it gets to a point sometimes when for everyone's sake and well being that it is the better option knowing they are safe and looked after." From time to time my mum goes into a care home to give my dad respite. They both say they won't go permanently. They could stay where they are if they'd agree to more help | |||
"If older people are a danger to themselves or other people, which would make the decision to intervene easier I think, I am inclined to think we humans have a fundamental right to make our own decisions even if those appear bad to others. It is about letting them have the freedom and dignity to make their choices. Notwithstanding, I would from time to time ask them to consider more comfortable options, perhaps? Not an easy situation by any stretch of imagination. I wholeheartedly agree. I can't begin to describe to you the conditions they're living in. If that is maintaining their freedom and dignity it's at a huge cost to their quality of life but as you say, it's their choice My heart goes out to you and anybody in the situation... having to watch this. It is one reason why I decided to do a Power of Attorney for financial and health matters - my POAs will decide for me if they think I am making bad decisions. Of course you have to really trust them...literally with your life." POA is yet another bone of contention. I won't bore you with the details but my mother needs a POA and my father is resistant to her having one | |||
"It's incredibly hard. When my grandfather went through this, when he was still living at home, one of my parents would find an excuse to take him for a drive while my siblings and I, plus my other parent, would frantically clean his dishes and anything else that looked particularly unhygienic. We didn't want to take his dignity but we didn't want him to get really ill. He never had any in home help apart from that kind of thing that all his children and grandchildren participated in. My daughter and I call this "stealth cleaning" "Absolutely! For the record, he's been gone over ten years now, and even now I would not tell anyone he knew that we did this. | |||
"If older people are a danger to themselves or other people, which would make the decision to intervene easier I think, I am inclined to think we humans have a fundamental right to make our own decisions even if those appear bad to others. It is about letting them have the freedom and dignity to make their choices. Notwithstanding, I would from time to time ask them to consider more comfortable options, perhaps? Not an easy situation by any stretch of imagination. I wholeheartedly agree. I can't begin to describe to you the conditions they're living in. If that is maintaining their freedom and dignity it's at a huge cost to their quality of life but as you say, it's their choice My heart goes out to you and anybody in the situation... having to watch this. It is one reason why I decided to do a Power of Attorney for financial and health matters - my POAs will decide for me if they think I am making bad decisions. Of course you have to really trust them...literally with your life. POA is yet another bone of contention. I won't bore you with the details but my mother needs a POA and my father is resistant to her having one" TBH anybody over 18 should have one. I have recently been to a funeral of a 38 year old (car accident) and it only highlighted the need. People do not realise that in absence of the POA, they get little say, at least initially in matters. | |||
"I am a nurse in a care home and seeing and hearing how families struggle with decisions regarding their loved ones can be quite upsetting. Their safety should be paramount, Okay so the house may be untidy etc but if family can help by doing little jobs and maybe encouraging them to do it themselves can be beneficial. As soon as safety becomes an issue then I'm sorry to say but sometimes hard decisions need to be made.. DOLS should be considered x What's DOLS Sparkle? The house is beyond untidy. I arrange a deep clean from time to time. My mother is unable to even make herself a cup of coffee" Sorry it stands for Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding x | |||
"If they have mental capacity there isn’t much you can do other than try and coax them along. If they are deemed not to have capacity then you be more forceful and try to get them into a Home. Have they always lived frugally or is it a recent thing? The trouble is it’s their money and you can’t force them to spend it, which is very stressful for family who see the appalling conditions their loved ones live in, but they themselves are oblivious to. But it does all depend on their mental capacity. Exactly this.If they are mentally and physically capable and are happy themselves with the way things are there is not a lot you can do bar try and talk with them about it all and try and get them more help. They aren't physically capable. Mentally capable would depend on who they're talking to and what day it is. If that is the case then you should definitely be able to get more help from social services but I know over here it can take a good while for them to be accessed for extra care. It's a horrible situation for you to be in. I work in care and see how hard it can be when people come to where I work at first but they do normally settle in quick enough and luckily we have couples who live together in as well but I think sometimes it is harder for the families who feel they have left their parents down but they haven't they have done all they can but it gets to a point sometimes when for everyone's sake and well being that it is the better option knowing they are safe and looked after. From time to time my mum goes into a care home to give my dad respite. They both say they won't go permanently. They could stay where they are if they'd agree to more help " If they are both physically struggling and mentally as well at times you have a good case for getting more home help. DOLS is deprivation of liberty safeguards.It sounds worse than it is but it basically helps with care specifically for each case individually . | |||
"It's incredibly hard. When my grandfather went through this, when he was still living at home, one of my parents would find an excuse to take him for a drive while my siblings and I, plus my other parent, would frantically clean his dishes and anything else that looked particularly unhygienic. We didn't want to take his dignity but we didn't want him to get really ill. He never had any in home help apart from that kind of thing that all his children and grandchildren participated in. My daughter and I call this "stealth cleaning"
Absolutely!
For the record, he's been gone over ten years now, and even now I would not tell anyone he knew that we did this." you're protecting his dignity | |||
"If older people are a danger to themselves or other people, which would make the decision to intervene easier I think, I am inclined to think we humans have a fundamental right to make our own decisions even if those appear bad to others. It is about letting them have the freedom and dignity to make their choices. Notwithstanding, I would from time to time ask them to consider more comfortable options, perhaps? Not an easy situation by any stretch of imagination. I wholeheartedly agree. I can't begin to describe to you the conditions they're living in. If that is maintaining their freedom and dignity it's at a huge cost to their quality of life but as you say, it's their choice My heart goes out to you and anybody in the situation... having to watch this. It is one reason why I decided to do a Power of Attorney for financial and health matters - my POAs will decide for me if they think I am making bad decisions. Of course you have to really trust them...literally with your life. POA is yet another bone of contention. I won't bore you with the details but my mother needs a POA and my father is resistant to her having one TBH anybody over 18 should have one. I have recently been to a funeral of a 38 year old (car accident) and it only highlighted the need. People do not realise that in absence of the POA, they get little say, at least initially in matters. " Yes. I agree. | |||
"I am a nurse in a care home and seeing and hearing how families struggle with decisions regarding their loved ones can be quite upsetting. Their safety should be paramount, Okay so the house may be untidy etc but if family can help by doing little jobs and maybe encouraging them to do it themselves can be beneficial. As soon as safety becomes an issue then I'm sorry to say but sometimes hard decisions need to be made.. DOLS should be considered x What's DOLS Sparkle? The house is beyond untidy. I arrange a deep clean from time to time. My mother is unable to even make herself a cup of coffee Sorry it stands for Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding x" Thank you. I'll have a look at that. Just the sound of it makes me think we're not there yet. However I can envisage a time when we are | |||
| |||
| |||
"If they have mental capacity there isn’t much you can do other than try and coax them along. If they are deemed not to have capacity then you be more forceful and try to get them into a Home. Have they always lived frugally or is it a recent thing? The trouble is it’s their money and you can’t force them to spend it, which is very stressful for family who see the appalling conditions their loved ones live in, but they themselves are oblivious to. But it does all depend on their mental capacity. Exactly this.If they are mentally and physically capable and are happy themselves with the way things are there is not a lot you can do bar try and talk with them about it all and try and get them more help. They aren't physically capable. Mentally capable would depend on who they're talking to and what day it is. If that is the case then you should definitely be able to get more help from social services but I know over here it can take a good while for them to be accessed for extra care. It's a horrible situation for you to be in. I work in care and see how hard it can be when people come to where I work at first but they do normally settle in quick enough and luckily we have couples who live together in as well but I think sometimes it is harder for the families who feel they have left their parents down but they haven't they have done all they can but it gets to a point sometimes when for everyone's sake and well being that it is the better option knowing they are safe and looked after. From time to time my mum goes into a care home to give my dad respite. They both say they won't go permanently. They could stay where they are if they'd agree to more help If they are both physically struggling and mentally as well at times you have a good case for getting more home help. DOLS is deprivation of liberty safeguards.It sounds worse than it is but it basically helps with care specifically for each case individually ." I know I've got a good case for getting more help. They just won't accept it . It's almost as if they think it's virtuous to live a poor quality of life. | |||
"Most people act to appease their own guilt or put their own minds at ease. If they don't want help , leave them alone. Now bear in mind .......... the above relates to my own biases. I will KILL anyone who attempts to 'do the best thing for me' if I don't choose the best thing. I would , even now, accept help paid for in full by a rich relative .... BTW I'm fully able bodied.... I'm thinking of my future. " You're right of course that they should be left alone. But, if your father rings you in tears because he's so exhausted he just wants to lay down and die. Let him get on with it? If your mum takes you to one side and says she wishes she was dead? It's awfully difficult not to interfere under those circs. | |||
"I'm gonna have to start making barricades in the next decade or two ..... " I would, keep the pesky social workers out, they're only after your money | |||
"Most people act to appease their own guilt or put their own minds at ease. If they don't want help , leave them alone. Now bear in mind .......... the above relates to my own biases. I will KILL anyone who attempts to 'do the best thing for me' if I don't choose the best thing. I would , even now, accept help paid for in full by a rich relative .... BTW I'm fully able bodied.... I'm thinking of my future. " Also I absolutely acknowledge it is to make myself feel better. I'm no saint. It's not about guilt though, if anybody carries guilt it's my mother. | |||
"Most people act to appease their own guilt or put their own minds at ease. If they don't want help , leave them alone. Now bear in mind .......... the above relates to my own biases. I will KILL anyone who attempts to 'do the best thing for me' if I don't choose the best thing. I would , even now, accept help paid for in full by a rich relative .... BTW I'm fully able bodied.... I'm thinking of my future. You're right of course that they should be left alone. But, if your father rings you in tears because he's so exhausted he just wants to lay down and die. Let him get on with it? If your mum takes you to one side and says she wishes she was dead? It's awfully difficult not to interfere under those circs. " Ah ...... then they are asking for help. | |||
| |||
"Most people act to appease their own guilt or put their own minds at ease. If they don't want help , leave them alone. Now bear in mind .......... the above relates to my own biases. I will KILL anyone who attempts to 'do the best thing for me' if I don't choose the best thing. I would , even now, accept help paid for in full by a rich relative .... BTW I'm fully able bodied.... I'm thinking of my future. You're right of course that they should be left alone. But, if your father rings you in tears because he's so exhausted he just wants to lay down and die. Let him get on with it? If your mum takes you to one side and says she wishes she was dead? It's awfully difficult not to interfere under those circs. Ah ...... then they are asking for help. " Yeah but, when it's offered they don't darn well want it .
I'm not asking for and I don't want sympathy but it's so bloody heart breaking to hear your father defeated and wishing for death. I'd be very cold hearted if I could just shrug that off. | |||
"Maybe not directly but they are." Yep. Either that or they are cynically manipulating me... | |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia. "It's a really tough one and different for everybody. I was reflecting with my family earlier in the week about what we did with our mum.... Put her in a care home. It was ridiculously expensive, I question the quality of what she got from it. The theory was, cooking and cleaning and care provided... Social engagement, safe, friends, nice environment... In truth I reflect and wonder if it was more for us than it was for her.. She wanted to stay at "home". But we knew best. Or did we.?very hard. The only sensible guidance I may be able to offer is start having the conversations 5 years before you think you might need to. | |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia.
It's a really tough one and different for everybody. I was reflecting with my family earlier in the week about what we did with our mum.... Put her in a care home. It was ridiculously expensive, I question the quality of what she got from it. The theory was, cooking and cleaning and care provided... Social engagement, safe, friends, nice environment... In truth I reflect and wonder if it was more for us than it was for her.. She wanted to stay at "home". But we knew best. Or did we.?very hard. The only sensible guidance I may be able to offer is start having the conversations 5 years before you think you might need to. "I've already told our kids they need to say it as they see it with us. | |||
"Maybe not directly but they are. Yep. Either that or they are cynically manipulating me..." Maybe older people do manipulate us a bit at times, not deliberately perhaps, more out of vulnerability? Recognising it does not mean it resolves the issue but it might make it a little bit more bearable? | |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia.
It's a really tough one and different for everybody. I was reflecting with my family earlier in the week about what we did with our mum.... Put her in a care home. It was ridiculously expensive, I question the quality of what she got from it. The theory was, cooking and cleaning and care provided... Social engagement, safe, friends, nice environment... In truth I reflect and wonder if it was more for us than it was for her.. She wanted to stay at "home". But we knew best. Or did we.?very hard. The only sensible guidance I may be able to offer is start having the conversations 5 years before you think you might need to. "The only sensible guidance I may be able to offer is start having the conversations 5 years before you think you might need to.. This 100%! Hence conversations with my kids and POA now. Done, dusted and we all know where we stand.  | |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia.
It's a really tough one and different for everybody. I was reflecting with my family earlier in the week about what we did with our mum.... Put her in a care home. It was ridiculously expensive, I question the quality of what she got from it. The theory was, cooking and cleaning and care provided... Social engagement, safe, friends, nice environment... In truth I reflect and wonder if it was more for us than it was for her.. She wanted to stay at "home". But we knew best. Or did we.?very hard. The only sensible guidance I may be able to offer is start having the conversations 5 years before you think you might need to.
I've already told our kids they need to say it as they see it with us. "Thing is op.... If they've lived in their family "home" for 60 years and are happy there .. I really think there should be a bit more guidance in the decision to move them out of it for 2, 5, 10 years however long, it would be nice if they could be as happy and safe as possible. .. In our case, she'd have kept going for years if not for bastard covid...and certainly the year long lockdown was a disaster for her well being. It really isn't an easy thing in most cases. And then of course there's the very real aspect of affordability to consider too. A nice thread to pause for a moment and think about our elders. | |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia.
That is a very difficult situation.
My nans behaviour was very similar, she had money but didn't like the "home help" coming in twice a week. She would ask visiting family members to do the chores instead. She was very stubborn.
She stayed this way until she had a fall and went into warden assisted accommodation.
I would say not to force them to get extra help and continue to help as you already are but don't take more of the burden on yourself.
Sorry to hear about your nan.
I've decided to do as you suggest in your last paragraph. It's difficult but the only way to maintain my sanity or what little remains of it "Thanks for your kind words about my nan. | |||
"Maybe not directly but they are. Yep. Either that or they are cynically manipulating me... Maybe older people do manipulate us a bit at times, not deliberately perhaps, more out of vulnerability? Recognising it does not mean it resolves the issue but it might make it a little bit more bearable? " I try to accept how things are rather than how I'd like them to be. This has been a useful discussion | |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia.
It's a really tough one and different for everybody. I was reflecting with my family earlier in the week about what we did with our mum.... Put her in a care home. It was ridiculously expensive, I question the quality of what she got from it. The theory was, cooking and cleaning and care provided... Social engagement, safe, friends, nice environment... In truth I reflect and wonder if it was more for us than it was for her.. She wanted to stay at "home". But we knew best. Or did we.?very hard. The only sensible guidance I may be able to offer is start having the conversations 5 years before you think you might need to.
I've already told our kids they need to say it as they see it with us.
Thing is op.... If they've lived in their family "home" for 60 years and are happy there .. I really think there should be a bit more guidance in the decision to move them out of it for 2, 5, 10 years however long, it would be nice if they could be as happy and safe as possible. .. In our case, she'd have kept going for years if not for bastard covid...and certainly the year long lockdown was a disaster for her well being.
It really isn't an easy thing in most cases. And then of course there's the very real aspect of affordability to consider too. A nice thread to pause for a moment and think about our elders. "What I'm trying to do is enable them to stay there. I agree that this has been useful to think about the elderly. It's certainly confirmed to me that I'm on the right lines | |||
| |||
| |||
"Capacity is key, people are allowed to make what others may perceive as poor decisions. When they don’t have the capacity, that’s when services can act. " Yes I understand that. I learned very early on that just because I think it'd unwise doesn't mean they should | |||
| |||
"As you know, Nicecouple, I've had similar with my Dad. He's now been diagnosed with mixed dementia (both vascular and Alzheimer's) and although he can just about manage his house etc, he cannot manage other things or make sensible decisions. My brother and I live an hour away so we can't pop in all the time. One of us tries to go down once a week and whilst there, we do the hoovering and any odd jobs, help him with financial things etc. However, he has, for years, offered accommodation for students from local language schools. We advised Dad to stop doing this (he's not done it through the pandemic, actually since about Nov 2019) but he obviously had other thoughts. He accepted a student and it was just a horrible car crash and resulted in the school moving the guy out for his own sanity and possibly safety. This was achieved through surreptitious means - I contacted the school about the constant emails and phone calls I was getting and eventually, he started sending bizarre emails to them. They didn't accept my point about his dementia at first, but they did after about a month. My Dad can also seem reasonable and plausible, especially for short conversations, but not for longer periods. He has now been removed from "books" of that provider but remains on others and keeps saying he's going to ask for more students. I will simply do the same again, to protect both the students and my Dad. It might seem sneaky to be contacting organisations behind his back, but it was the only way. If he did not have dementia as an excuse, he might have been in a good deal of trouble on this occasion...... So, my suggestion is keep visiting when it is suitable for you. Do what you can in terms of cleaning or help at home, but otherwise, so long as they remain legally mentally capable, you can't really intervene too much more. If you think they DO have dementia, I suggest you write to their GP and ask for them to be assessed. The GP won't be able to write back to you, but can take your comments on board. I did this with my Dad too, in the past." What a situation to be in! Thanks for the advice about the GP. I have some 20 years ago been to see my mother's gp concerning her mental health and they were very helpful within the restrictions they work under. I've also spoken to the surgery about her presentation of her health problems which also produced results Taking that step towards assessment for dementia is a difficult one though isn't it. | |||
| |||
"I just want to add something which I found out recently about my granddad. Because it made me think... Bloody hell.. If he could do that... Why were we making such a deal over his care.? I had no idea he was doing this or capable of doing this... I mean I thought he was mostly at deaths door. And it blew my mind. About how we project our own thoughts and insecurities onto them. He was in his 90s. Lived on his own in London... A very frail old man. For his last 10 years... He'd get the bus and train down to the south coast twice a week. Jump on the crossing to France ... Go and have a lunch or a coffee and turn around and come back, home by midnight... I'm told... As he became a regular, the crew and staff all knew him and looked out for him. Im not even sure what my point is really... Other than... Some of them are still able to express themselves I suppose even in their twilight. " I'm not surprised. The thing is that whatever you look like on the outside you're still the same person on the inside. I'm all for doing whatever you want until you are unable to. | |||
| |||
"I just want to add something which I found out recently about my granddad. Because it made me think... Bloody hell.. If he could do that... Why were we making such a deal over his care.? I had no idea he was doing this or capable of doing this... I mean I thought he was mostly at deaths door. And it blew my mind. About how we project our own thoughts and insecurities onto them. He was in his 90s. Lived on his own in London... A very frail old man. For his last 10 years... He'd get the bus and train down to the south coast twice a week. Jump on the crossing to France ... Go and have a lunch or a coffee and turn around and come back, home by midnight... I'm told... As he became a regular, the crew and staff all knew him and looked out for him. Im not even sure what my point is really... Other than... Some of them are still able to express themselves I suppose even in their twilight. " My Grandad could have done the same, even at the age of 89. But my Dad at 82 could not, without getting horribly lost anyway. The difference? One retained a memory like an elephant and immense mental capacity, right until the very end. The other cannot remember very significant events of the past 20-odd years. | |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia.
It's a really tough one and different for everybody. I was reflecting with my family earlier in the week about what we did with our mum.... Put her in a care home. It was ridiculously expensive, I question the quality of what she got from it. The theory was, cooking and cleaning and care provided... Social engagement, safe, friends, nice environment... In truth I reflect and wonder if it was more for us than it was for her.. She wanted to stay at "home". But we knew best. Or did we.?very hard. The only sensible guidance I may be able to offer is start having the conversations 5 years before you think you might need to.
I've already told our kids they need to say it as they see it with us.
Thing is op.... If they've lived in their family "home" for 60 years and are happy there .. I really think there should be a bit more guidance in the decision to move them out of it for 2, 5, 10 years however long, it would be nice if they could be as happy and safe as possible. .. In our case, she'd have kept going for years if not for bastard covid...and certainly the year long lockdown was a disaster for her well being.
It really isn't an easy thing in most cases. And then of course there's the very real aspect of affordability to consider too. A nice thread to pause for a moment and think about our elders.
What I'm trying to do is enable them to stay there.
I agree that this has been useful to think about the elderly.
It's certainly confirmed to me that I'm on the right lines"If you can get them to agree for you & any siblings to have power of attorney, between you, you can make sure they get the care coming in that's required.. and they can stay where they are. My and my brother did this online on the government website for an elderly parent (to save a little on solicitors fees.) Takes a month or 2 to come through but has made things easier. Of course if their resilient / stubborn that's a harder situation.. | |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia.
It's a really tough one and different for everybody. I was reflecting with my family earlier in the week about what we did with our mum.... Put her in a care home. It was ridiculously expensive, I question the quality of what she got from it. The theory was, cooking and cleaning and care provided... Social engagement, safe, friends, nice environment... In truth I reflect and wonder if it was more for us than it was for her.. She wanted to stay at "home". But we knew best. Or did we.?very hard. The only sensible guidance I may be able to offer is start having the conversations 5 years before you think you might need to.
I've already told our kids they need to say it as they see it with us.
Thing is op.... If they've lived in their family "home" for 60 years and are happy there .. I really think there should be a bit more guidance in the decision to move them out of it for 2, 5, 10 years however long, it would be nice if they could be as happy and safe as possible. .. In our case, she'd have kept going for years if not for bastard covid...and certainly the year long lockdown was a disaster for her well being.
It really isn't an easy thing in most cases. And then of course there's the very real aspect of affordability to consider too. A nice thread to pause for a moment and think about our elders.
What I'm trying to do is enable them to stay there.
I agree that this has been useful to think about the elderly.
It's certainly confirmed to me that I'm on the right lines
If you can get them to agree for you & any siblings to have power of attorney, between you, you can make sure they get the care coming in that's required.. and they can stay where they are.
My and my brother did this online on the government website for an elderly parent (to save a little on solicitors fees.) Takes a month or 2 to come through but has made things easier. Of course if their resilient / stubborn that's a harder situation..
"*they're* | |||
| |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia.
It's a really tough one and different for everybody. I was reflecting with my family earlier in the week about what we did with our mum.... Put her in a care home. It was ridiculously expensive, I question the quality of what she got from it. The theory was, cooking and cleaning and care provided... Social engagement, safe, friends, nice environment... In truth I reflect and wonder if it was more for us than it was for her.. She wanted to stay at "home". But we knew best. Or did we.?very hard. The only sensible guidance I may be able to offer is start having the conversations 5 years before you think you might need to.
I've already told our kids they need to say it as they see it with us.
Thing is op.... If they've lived in their family "home" for 60 years and are happy there .. I really think there should be a bit more guidance in the decision to move them out of it for 2, 5, 10 years however long, it would be nice if they could be as happy and safe as possible. .. In our case, she'd have kept going for years if not for bastard covid...and certainly the year long lockdown was a disaster for her well being.
It really isn't an easy thing in most cases. And then of course there's the very real aspect of affordability to consider too. A nice thread to pause for a moment and think about our elders.
What I'm trying to do is enable them to stay there.
I agree that this has been useful to think about the elderly.
It's certainly confirmed to me that I'm on the right lines
If you can get them to agree for you & any siblings to have power of attorney, between you, you can make sure they get the care coming in that's required.. and they can stay where they are.
My and my brother did this online on the government website for an elderly parent (to save a little on solicitors fees.) Takes a month or 2 to come through but has made things easier. Of course if their resilient / stubborn that's a harder situation..
"My mother has asked me several times to be POA then backs out when it comes to it My siblings are of no use whatsoever in this situation and all think I'm "worrying too much" because when the call my parents tell them everything is fine. | |||
"We had a similar situation with my Nanna. It’s an awful position to be in. We left her to it and kept a very close eye on her until it became an issue of safety. Then we intervened and had to force a change. By that time she didn’t have full understanding of who she was or where she lived and she was very well cared for and, most importantly, safe. " And that's exactly it! Once they are healthy and happy and safe! The minute their safety is in question/danger, is time to intervene. It is devastating to watch the demise of a loved one. I saw it with my grandmother and the brunt of the work and care was with my mother who got an awful lot of abuse in the declining years until she had to make the decision to find a care home. My grandmother declined very rapidly after that. Keep them safe, let them know they are loved and allow your elderly relatives to live out their lives with dignity for as long as it is safe without additional help. | |||
| |||
| |||
"Just to update the situation. A week ago last Thursday my mother awoke with one of the major indications that she'd had a stroke. They had changed her carers to alternate days without telling me and didn't call me to tell me about he symptoms so nobody knew. They waited until Friday morning before seeking help when my father tried 111, they weren't answering so he tried the surgery, they weren't answering either so they waited until her carer arrived who understandably called an ambulance. I check daily to ensure that they don't need medical help rather than every other day and carers are back to twice a day. " How is your mum now? | |||
"Oh I am so sorry to hear this OP, it really resonates. Hug of support to thee." Ta. I'm just venting really. It's SOOOO frustrating | |||
"Just to update the situation. A week ago last Thursday my mother awoke with one of the major indications that she'd had a stroke. They had changed her carers to alternate days without telling me and didn't call me to tell me about he symptoms so nobody knew. They waited until Friday morning before seeking help when my father tried 111, they weren't answering so he tried the surgery, they weren't answering either so they waited until her carer arrived who understandably called an ambulance. I check daily to ensure that they don't need medical help rather than every other day and carers are back to twice a day. How is your mum now?" Home from hospital. The symptoms she had were connected with her heart failure. She sleeps a lot and eats tiny amounts, she's mostly lucid but occasionally confused and her short term memory is poor. I know what this means. | |||
| |||
"Just to update the situation. A week ago last Thursday my mother awoke with one of the major indications that she'd had a stroke. They had changed her carers to alternate days without telling me and didn't call me to tell me about he symptoms so nobody knew. They waited until Friday morning before seeking help when my father tried 111, they weren't answering so he tried the surgery, they weren't answering either so they waited until her carer arrived who understandably called an ambulance. I check daily to ensure that they don't need medical help rather than every other day and carers are back to twice a day. How is your mum now? Home from hospital. The symptoms she had were connected with her heart failure. She sleeps a lot and eats tiny amounts, she's mostly lucid but occasionally confused and her short term memory is poor. I know what this means. " I hope that whatever happens next, she is comfortable and that your dad, and you both, manage to support each other the best that you can in the circumstances. | |||
 . | |||
"Just to update the situation. A week ago last Thursday my mother awoke with one of the major indications that she'd had a stroke. They had changed her carers to alternate days without telling me and didn't call me to tell me about he symptoms so nobody knew. They waited until Friday morning before seeking help when my father tried 111, they weren't answering so he tried the surgery, they weren't answering either so they waited until her carer arrived who understandably called an ambulance. I check daily to ensure that they don't need medical help rather than every other day and carers are back to twice a day. How is your mum now? Home from hospital. The symptoms she had were connected with her heart failure. She sleeps a lot and eats tiny amounts, she's mostly lucid but occasionally confused and her short term memory is poor. I know what this means. I hope that whatever happens next, she is comfortable and that your dad, and you both, manage to support each other the best that you can in the circumstances." Thank you | |||
"It's a tough one and I've seen it with my nans on both sides (both granddads died far before they lost any ability to care for themselves unfortunately). My mum's mum had dementia and my dad's mum is fully with it but very immobile and has a slightly neglectful younger husband and they have both refused any outside help. Unfortunately I personally feel that while they're considered to have the capacity to make their own decisions, you kind of need to let them and that can be unbearably difficult. With my mum's mum she did reach a point where she wasn't able to make decisions for herself and wasn't safe to live alone at which point my mum just did her best to try to decide what would be the best outcome for my nan. At that point there is no right answers unfortunately and they're often so confused that they're distressed no matter what you decide. Horrible illness . "Yep. I do watch them make their own unwise decisions as undoubtedly they watched me. | |||
"It's a tough one and I've seen it with my nans on both sides (both granddads died far before they lost any ability to care for themselves unfortunately). My mum's mum had dementia and my dad's mum is fully with it but very immobile and has a slightly neglectful younger husband and they have both refused any outside help. Unfortunately I personally feel that while they're considered to have the capacity to make their own decisions, you kind of need to let them and that can be unbearably difficult. With my mum's mum she did reach a point where she wasn't able to make decisions for herself and wasn't safe to live alone at which point my mum just did her best to try to decide what would be the best outcome for my nan. At that point there is no right answers unfortunately and they're often so confused that they're distressed no matter what you decide. Horrible illness .
Yep. I do watch them make their own unwise decisions as undoubtedly they watched me. "It's honestly so hard and it's awful having to watch my parents struggling with this. They just want them to be safe and happy but you can only do what they will let you do. | |||
"It's a tough one and I've seen it with my nans on both sides (both granddads died far before they lost any ability to care for themselves unfortunately). My mum's mum had dementia and my dad's mum is fully with it but very immobile and has a slightly neglectful younger husband and they have both refused any outside help. Unfortunately I personally feel that while they're considered to have the capacity to make their own decisions, you kind of need to let them and that can be unbearably difficult. With my mum's mum she did reach a point where she wasn't able to make decisions for herself and wasn't safe to live alone at which point my mum just did her best to try to decide what would be the best outcome for my nan. At that point there is no right answers unfortunately and they're often so confused that they're distressed no matter what you decide. Horrible illness .
Yep. I do watch them make their own unwise decisions as undoubtedly they watched me.
It's honestly so hard and it's awful having to watch my parents struggling with this. They just want them to be safe and happy but you can only do what they will let you do. "There does come a point where intervention is needed. There are ways and means of doing this but it's very difficult for the child (even if they are 65 ) to parent their parents. | |||
 | |||
"It's a tough one and I've seen it with my nans on both sides (both granddads died far before they lost any ability to care for themselves unfortunately). My mum's mum had dementia and my dad's mum is fully with it but very immobile and has a slightly neglectful younger husband and they have both refused any outside help. Unfortunately I personally feel that while they're considered to have the capacity to make their own decisions, you kind of need to let them and that can be unbearably difficult. With my mum's mum she did reach a point where she wasn't able to make decisions for herself and wasn't safe to live alone at which point my mum just did her best to try to decide what would be the best outcome for my nan. At that point there is no right answers unfortunately and they're often so confused that they're distressed no matter what you decide. Horrible illness .
Yep. I do watch them make their own unwise decisions as undoubtedly they watched me.
It's honestly so hard and it's awful having to watch my parents struggling with this. They just want them to be safe and happy but you can only do what they will let you do.
There does come a point where intervention is needed. There are ways and means of doing this but it's very difficult for the child (even if they are 65 ) to parent their parents. "Yes my mum's mum in particular was very proud and did not appreciate the role reversal at all. It's a delicate thing to navigate. | |||
"I live at my mum's as her carer... with the blessing of my fab partner...I lost my father to Alzheimer's eight years ago..but he was a shell of his former self.. not the man I knew as dad...my mum can live in her own home .. with support .. and all the familiar things around her .I'm lucky I can do this for her ..and mostly she's still with it ...and clean and happy in clean clothes every day... "Unless I relocate my family, change my job and move my daughter's school, I can't do the same for my Dad. It would be Mr KC doing the donkey work anyway because I can't do it...... | |||
"I live at my mum's as her carer... with the blessing of my fab partner...I lost my father to Alzheimer's eight years ago..but he was a shell of his former self.. not the man I knew as dad...my mum can live in her own home .. with support .. and all the familiar things around her .I'm lucky I can do this for her ..and mostly she's still with it ...and clean and happy in clean clothes every day... "She's lucky to have you | |||
| |||
"I'd leave them be. My dad hated us offering our opinion and help, my best friend who is in her 80's has alcohol induced dementia and get very angry at any suggestions or interference (food hoarding, she has to buy food when she buys alcohol) And although I'm hardly old, I find myself contemplating my dotage and I would go ballistic if anyone interfered with my life. I don't know all the reasons but it's nothing to do with me." The problem comes when the person with dementia is plainly unable to do things like look after their finances, but the "powers that be" don't see it or understand. My father is £50 short of his maximum overdraft (across two accounts); has debts larger than the Mersey tunnel and is living in his heavily mortgaged home. He is 82. I am sending him money piecemeal (which I cannot really afford to do) but I can't do it all for him. I'm fully aware of PoA, but didn't have it fully in place presently, due to delays by medical professionals in permitting us to apply. Am I supposed to just watch my Dad lose what little he's got left and finish up homeless? It's me who will pick up those pieces, the same as I'm expected to pick up the pieces of everyone else's poor life choices in this (incredibly small) family. I can't financially support everyone. | |||
| |||
"I'd leave them be. My dad hated us offering our opinion and help, my best friend who is in her 80's has alcohol induced dementia and get very angry at any suggestions or interference (food hoarding, she has to buy food when she buys alcohol) And although I'm hardly old, I find myself contemplating my dotage and I would go ballistic if anyone interfered with my life. I don't know all the reasons but it's nothing to do with me. The problem comes when the person with dementia is plainly unable to do things like look after their finances, but the "powers that be" don't see it or understand. My father is £50 short of his maximum overdraft (across two accounts); has debts larger than the Mersey tunnel and is living in his heavily mortgaged home. He is 82. I am sending him money piecemeal (which I cannot really afford to do) but I can't do it all for him. I'm fully aware of PoA, but didn't have it fully in place presently, due to delays by medical professionals in permitting us to apply. Am I supposed to just watch my Dad lose what little he's got left and finish up homeless? It's me who will pick up those pieces, the same as I'm expected to pick up the pieces of everyone else's poor life choices in this (incredibly small) family. I can't financially support everyone. " What an awful situation to be in. My friend handed power of attorney over to another close friend ad her husband. She is well off and despite having every single security thing that exists in place, she still regularly gets ripped off thousands repeatedly. She recently handed over her bank and pin details to what she thought was her bank, despite the only calls she can receive are pre chosen. My dad was the same. Would give a postal charity donation and was hounded relentlessly for more. His phone bill was astronomical and he gave me permission to call BT to see if I could lower it. I had to tell him that the reason it was so high was because he was calling premium rate numbers (sex chat lines). He was mortified and wouldn't take any more help. | |||
| |||
"As family it can't be left once it starts to become obvious that capacity will at some point in the future become an issue, ditto where the person might be possibly vulnerable in several areas.. The discussion with ones loved one(s) isn't easy at all but when it's dementia/Alzheimer's it's sadly necessary and important.. Having been there and it was at times truly shit at times our thoughts are with anyone else going through this.." My Dad refused to sign financial PoA at the same time we signed health PoA. His GP ignored my communications about my suspicions he was starting with dementia for two years, then just as she'd agreed to refer him to the memory clinic, the pandemic hit and all appointments were suspended. We were told by the GP we could not proceed to sign financial PoA until he had been seen by the memory clinic. It took until June 2021 to get the inevitable diagnosis of dementia. We were then given permission to go ahead and do the PoA. It's still not been registered by the Office of the Public Guardian, presumably because they're massively behind. If they don't do it soon, they could probably legitimately throw it out. What more could I have done?? I've been noticing changes in my Dad's mental capacities for over 4yrs now but got absolutely fuck all support from his doctor. | |||
"As family it can't be left once it starts to become obvious that capacity will at some point in the future become an issue, ditto where the person might be possibly vulnerable in several areas.. The discussion with ones loved one(s) isn't easy at all but when it's dementia/Alzheimer's it's sadly necessary and important.. Having been there and it was at times truly shit at times our thoughts are with anyone else going through this.. My Dad refused to sign financial PoA at the same time we signed health PoA. His GP ignored my communications about my suspicions he was starting with dementia for two years, then just as she'd agreed to refer him to the memory clinic, the pandemic hit and all appointments were suspended. We were told by the GP we could not proceed to sign financial PoA until he had been seen by the memory clinic. It took until June 2021 to get the inevitable diagnosis of dementia. We were then given permission to go ahead and do the PoA. It's still not been registered by the Office of the Public Guardian, presumably because they're massively behind. If they don't do it soon, they could probably legitimately throw it out. What more could I have done?? I've been noticing changes in my Dad's mental capacities for over 4yrs now but got absolutely fuck all support from his doctor. " You couldn't have done anything more, I wasn't being critical but my apologies if that's how it reads.. Sadly you won't be the only ones given the time we've lived through and the effects on many other aspects too and it's certainly the last thing given the situation that people need.. | |||
"Just to update the situation. A week ago last Thursday my mother awoke with one of the major indications that she'd had a stroke. They had changed her carers to alternate days without telling me and didn't call me to tell me about he symptoms so nobody knew. They waited until Friday morning before seeking help when my father tried 111, they weren't answering so he tried the surgery, they weren't answering either so they waited until her carer arrived who understandably called an ambulance. I check daily to ensure that they don't need medical help rather than every other day and carers are back to twice a day. How is your mum now? Home from hospital. The symptoms she had were connected with her heart failure. She sleeps a lot and eats tiny amounts, she's mostly lucid but occasionally confused and her short term memory is poor. I know what this means. "  xx | |||
"I'd leave them be. My dad hated us offering our opinion and help, my best friend who is in her 80's has alcohol induced dementia and get very angry at any suggestions or interference (food hoarding, she has to buy food when she buys alcohol) And although I'm hardly old, I find myself contemplating my dotage and I would go ballistic if anyone interfered with my life. I don't know all the reasons but it's nothing to do with me." I do leave them to it as far as possible for the sake of my own mental health. However they regularly ask for my help (which I happily give). | |||
| |||
"As family it can't be left once it starts to become obvious that capacity will at some point in the future become an issue, ditto where the person might be possibly vulnerable in several areas.. The discussion with ones loved one(s) isn't easy at all but when it's dementia/Alzheimer's it's sadly necessary and important.. Having been there and it was at times truly shit at times our thoughts are with anyone else going through this.. My Dad refused to sign financial PoA at the same time we signed health PoA. His GP ignored my communications about my suspicions he was starting with dementia for two years, then just as she'd agreed to refer him to the memory clinic, the pandemic hit and all appointments were suspended. We were told by the GP we could not proceed to sign financial PoA until he had been seen by the memory clinic. It took until June 2021 to get the inevitable diagnosis of dementia. We were then given permission to go ahead and do the PoA. It's still not been registered by the Office of the Public Guardian, presumably because they're massively behind. If they don't do it soon, they could probably legitimately throw it out. What more could I have done?? I've been noticing changes in my Dad's mental capacities for over 4yrs now but got absolutely fuck all support from his doctor. " And yet if you speak to the dementia help line they advise you to make the gp aware. My mum decided that all the documentation for poa was not worth the bother and we're now in the position of her being no longer having the capacity to agree. | |||
"Just to update the situation. A week ago last Thursday my mother awoke with one of the major indications that she'd had a stroke. They had changed her carers to alternate days without telling me and didn't call me to tell me about he symptoms so nobody knew. They waited until Friday morning before seeking help when my father tried 111, they weren't answering so he tried the surgery, they weren't answering either so they waited until her carer arrived who understandably called an ambulance. I check daily to ensure that they don't need medical help rather than every other day and carers are back to twice a day. How is your mum now? Home from hospital. The symptoms she had were connected with her heart failure. She sleeps a lot and eats tiny amounts, she's mostly lucid but occasionally confused and her short term memory is poor. I know what this means. xx" x | |||
| |||
"I noticed this with my mother a few years after my father had died. So I moved in with her and stayed for nine months to look after her, the best decision I have ever made as now although she has died I have happy memories that in hindsight would never have been." Sir. You are a credit to them. The world needs more people like you. | |||
| |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia. "I feel for you op, and its a difficult one.. people are proud its in our nature. My grandma was very similar it was very difficult, something i struggled to deal with. My aunty went in more forcefully and took control, it was hard but worked but was time consuming. I dread dementia really dread it. Good luck x | |||
| |||
"I am in a tricky predicament with my parents Mum has a terminal condition (post transplant kidney failure) and Dad has all the signs of dementia / alzheimers but no diagnosis, mainly because he is in complete denial over it They refuse to pay for care, even though they can afford it Mum has 4-6 months max and we have no firm plans in place for Dad because he has only just allowed us to let him be seen by a GP We have wills in place and financial PoA, but not medical as they both refused that I've been discussing with my OH about potentially giving up work to care for him which, thankfully, he was supportive of At the moment myself and my sister are balancing full time jobs, care needs and relationships to be there for them, but that situation will only get worse when Mum passes and I also feel guilty for her having to be his primary carer / guardian, when she, herself, has a terminal illness I am so blessed to still have my parents when so many people lost theirs young, but the decisions and discussions are incredibly and increasingly difficult I remain pragmatic and accepting but worry, doubt, grief, guilt all kick in from time to time I feel for anyone in a similar predicament and, if anyone needs to let off steam away from the forums (in a purely message or social format) maybe we can a little swinging self help going? " tough innit Bussy. | |||
"My parents as many of you know are very old. They live in conditions that most would describe as squalour. They have no money issues and can well afford more help than the hour a day that they already have (when they don't get fed up and sack them) but refuse point blank to accept any. What do you do? Let them live like it they're adults after all or intervene more forcefully than I already have done? I've made my decision but I'm interested to know how other people view the situation and when you feel that amusing eccentricity in older people crosses the line into dangerous signs of dementia.
I feel for you op, and its a difficult one.. people are proud its in our nature. My grandma was very similar it was very difficult, something i struggled to deal with. My aunty went in more forcefully and took control, it was hard but worked but was time consuming. I dread dementia really dread it. Good luck x "thank you | |||
"People here who are physically able to assist their elderly parents are, in some ways, very lucky. I am physically disabled myself. I cannot physically care for a large man with poor balance and dementia. My father lives over an hour from me. I cannot move my entire (very young) family into his house without both me and Mr KC looking for alternative employment and taking our young daughter out of the school she has not long since started. My father was 47 when I was born, so I am comparatively young to have an 82yo father. However, time waits for no man or woman. At the moment, we are scr@ping by with supporting him from a distance but we're going to hit shit creek very soon. Anyone who wants to criticise me for not moving in and becoming Florence Nightingale can do one. I spent my entire childhood, no, frankly my whole life to date acting as a marriage guidance counsellor and general sage to both my parents. Mother had 3 marriages, Dad married and divorced 4 times, just to give context. Neither of my parents put me and my brother first when we were younger and both made deeply selfish choices for their own romantic benefit and other benefit. I have been the "responsible adult" since I was about 7 years old. I no longer speak to my mother (friends on here know why) and I am currently doing my utmost to help my Dad as best as I can, including financially by trying to stave off his debts with my own money. I can't really afford it, but there we are. His life choices are, sadly, coming home to roost and it is ME who is picking up the pieces. I did not spend his money on wine, women and song but I'm the one bunging £70 here and there in his account to make the red letters stop. Judge all you like, but when the time comes, my only option will be to employ carers or use a "Granny/Grandad Farm". I'll try to choose carefully. " you also need to consider your own relationship. I don't think any parent would want their children to jeopardise their marriage or ltr to look after them. Also if you neglect your own children to look after parents you'll be criticised Sometimes a care home or care within their own home is the only option. I can't physically lift my mum, she would rather have a professional carer than me wash her and help her to the toilet and I am simply not knowledgeable enough to cater for her medical needs. I often have to bite my tongue when people look at me with a pained expression, drawing in a breath and say "you'll be sorry when she's gone". The temptation to reply "of COURSE I'll be chuffing sorry, you sit with her when she says she wants to die, you talk my father down from his anxiety, field the calls from the hospital, arrange respite care overnight etc etc etc" then flaming come back and patronise me.  | |||
x | |||
"Sorry if I’ve misunderstood your post but there is nothing amusing about dementia!!! x"I don't think anybody, including me is saying there is. | |||
