FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Do I need yet another therapist?
Do I need yet another therapist?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Okay so, I was talking to my bff yesterday (my twinnnn) and we were joking but also were quite disgusted at our behaviour of how we seem to always and I mean ALWAYS obsess over guys who seem to be dickheads. Do you blow hot and cold? You are for us.
Are you a runaway/charity case/need fixing ?!! Well… Where do we sign up???
We were overall evaluating our previous love life and love interests with the current and I mean it’s always the same traits we tend to obsess over.
Me and her literally the same…
So we wonder, what the fuck is wrong with us? Why do we run from actually nice guys? And most importantly, do we need yet another therapist to dig deep and find out what’s wrong with us?
Cos I’m sure theres some sort of fucked up shit going…
WE NEEDS HELP!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Also has anyone else in similar positions that seem to fall for the wrong people ? X definitely an unhealthy cycle "
I seem to go for emotionally unavailable and cheaters tbh so I get what you mean although I have actually started to notice changes in myself so who knows I might have got out of it fingers crossed lol |
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"Note to self, become a dickhead
LMAO!!!
Dead, im all yours …
Literally I seem to have an internal magnet for all that jazz… and it’s annoying  "
I'm a complete ball bag so you should be tripping over yourself for me   |
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"Note to self, become a dickhead
LMAO!!!
Dead, im all yours …
Literally I seem to have an internal magnet for all that jazz… and it’s annoying "
If you realise your tendencies at least your in a position to try and make a change if it's annoying you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Your both human beings, admitting to yourselves the right or wrongs you have done. You don’t need therapy at all just self belief will guide you forward."
Is this true tho, we both were kinda rejected as kids. She was by her father while I felt a bit neglected by my mother as she was living her best life ( I love her to bits now so I’m not sure why I was so anti her for having other kids / my half siblings… I guess I fade like a flower if I don’t get the right amount of attention)
And we wonder if that’s kinda related to it as a past “trauma” that keeps representing itself hmmm
Food for thoughts |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Note to self, become a dickhead
LMAO!!!
Dead, im all yours …
Literally I seem to have an internal magnet for all that jazz… and it’s annoying
I'm a complete ball bag so you should be tripping over yourself for me "
Tell me more daddddyyyy   |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Note to self, become a dickhead
LMAO!!!
Dead, im all yours …
Literally I seem to have an internal magnet for all that jazz… and it’s annoying
If you realise your tendencies at least your in a position to try and make a change if it's annoying you. "
True I guess we try but sometimes u get so invested in douches, that it annoys u.
Like , I realise and the head says don’t fall for it. But everything else screams ..Oh, GO FOR IT. U can always pull back. And yeah, literally quick sands… |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Exactly when did polite, kind and considerate become a poor way to meet people, I must have missed a meeting  "
This explains why I never get replies I'm to nice to them lol |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Exactly when did polite, kind and considerate become a poor way to meet people, I must have missed a meeting "
We don’t go out of our ways to meet arseholes btw, it’s not like we do interviews or a X factor type of selection exclusive to find the best douche bags around the country lol
But somehow the ones that stick seem to have all similar traits (negative) |
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By *ougie321Man
over a year ago
Milford Haven |
Rejection or maybe jealousy at the time most probably which over time has for you healed. Your attention seeking now is natural for most of us in your case you seem to want to hurt yourself by choices. Your good looking come across very sensible so choose someone who is prepared to make you blossom for who you really are. |
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"Note to self, become a dickhead
LMAO!!!
Dead, im all yours …
Literally I seem to have an internal magnet for all that jazz… and it’s annoying
I'm a complete ball bag so you should be tripping over yourself for me
Tell me more daddddyyyy "
step into my office sweetie pie  |
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There's nothing wrong with either of you. You're naturally going for the "dickheads" or "bad-boy" types because they're exciting and they keep you on your toes!
A little push and pull can be a great dynamic in a relationship as long as both parties are equal in play and can communicate well.
As for finding yourself a "nice guy", what happens when he's too nice? you'll be second guessing the vibe and wondering what they're up to or what they're trying to hide.
It's all just swings and roundabouts.  |
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"Note to self, become a dickhead
LMAO!!!
Dead, im all yours …
Literally I seem to have an internal magnet for all that jazz… and it’s annoying
If you realise your tendencies at least your in a position to try and make a change if it's annoying you.
True I guess we try but sometimes u get so invested in douches, that it annoys u.
Like , I realise and the head says don’t fall for it. But everything else screams ..Oh, GO FOR IT. U can always pull back. And yeah, literally quick sands…"
Maybe you like to try and fix people? |
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"Maybe you like to try and fix people? "
You beat me to it there, I suspect some wrong choices get made due to that perhaps?
For me it was seeking self validation I wasn't getting elsewhere, but still didn't find it till I stopped looking.
Not therapy, just think differently. Have more respect for yourself maybe. Stay strong, don't settle for less than the best. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Maybe you like to try and fix people?
You beat me to it there, I suspect some wrong choices get made due to that perhaps?
For me it was seeking self validation I wasn't getting elsewhere, but still didn't find it till I stopped looking.
Not therapy, just think differently. Have more respect for yourself maybe. Stay strong, don't settle for less than the best."
I literally need to tattoo the
Don’t settle for less than the best
And
No scrubs |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"There's nothing wrong with either of you. You're naturally going for the "dickheads" or "bad-boy" types because they're exciting and they keep you on your toes!
A little push and pull can be a great dynamic in a relationship as long as both parties are equal in play and can communicate well.
As for finding yourself a "nice guy", what happens when he's too nice? you'll be second guessing the vibe and wondering what they're up to or what they're trying to hide.
It's all just swings and roundabouts. "
My friend runs for the hills if he’s actually nice … I tend to get bored easily and either dump the guy or … not proud of it, cheat |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Therapy is not a bad thing, it can help you break a cycle & understand why you keep making poor choices.
I'd recommend it."
Lol you put it out there quietly with the poor choices thing
And yeah I might have to add one more therapist to my list, apart from my gender therapist X () |
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By *3nsesMan
over a year ago
Dublin |
People are a product of their environments and their up-brining. It can be quite common for people to be attracted to similar personality types as their parents/primary carer who they looked after them.
Two common reasons people are attracted to "bad boy" types.
1. Savoir syndrome (also white knight syndrome). They will feel a urge/desire to "save" someone. Very commonly seen in the area of addiction and very common to see that the saviour had a parent who was an addict too or they grew up in an unstable environment caused by addiction.
2. Validation for people who have low self-esteem. They are attracted to the "bad boy" type as it represents an opportunity for high validation. "If this guy is an asshole and I can change him then I must be pretty special."
It's impossible to do the topic justice in this setting but I'd always encourage anyway to give therapy a go. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"People are a product of their environments and their up-brining. It can be quite common for people to be attracted to similar personality types as their parents/primary carer who they looked after them.
Two common reasons people are attracted to "bad boy" types.
1. Savoir syndrome (also white knight syndrome). They will feel a urge/desire to "save" someone. Very commonly seen in the area of addiction and very common to see that the saviour had a parent who was an addict too or they grew up in an unstable environment caused by addiction.
2. Validation for people who have low self-esteem. They are attracted to the "bad boy" type as it represents an opportunity for high validation. "If this guy is an asshole and I can change him then I must be pretty special."
It's impossible to do the topic justice in this setting but I'd always encourage anyway to give therapy a go. "
I think we both fall into the second category…
And guess what, surprise surprise we both suffer from low self esteem or somehow we seek high value validation from assholes
(Maybe because our primary carers were the first to not give it to us??)
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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We literally try to be the voice of reason for each other about guys, but literally this situation is like the blind leading the blind
We should go to therapy together cos she’s basically my soul mate and we are one person really lol |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We literally try to be the voice of reason for each other about guys, but literally this situation is like the blind leading the blind
We should go to therapy together cos she’s basically my soul mate and we are one person really lol "
*about our own guys |
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By *3nsesMan
over a year ago
Dublin |
"
I think we both fall into the second category…
And guess what, surprise surprise we both suffer from low self esteem or somehow we seek high value validation from assholes
(Maybe because our primary carers were the first to not give it to us??)
"
Very likely. If a child doesn't feel they are given love from their parent(s) it can have a massive impact on the decisions that person takes throughout their life.
But knowing the cycle and reasons why are needed to break the cycle. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
I think we both fall into the second category…
And guess what, surprise surprise we both suffer from low self esteem or somehow we seek high value validation from assholes
(Maybe because our primary carers were the first to not give it to us??)
Very likely. If a child doesn't feel they are given love from their parent(s) it can have a massive impact on the decisions that person takes throughout their life.
But knowing the cycle and reasons why are needed to break the cycle. "
The super strange thing is that for example my dad was exceptional while her mum is/was exceptional
So why do we have this when only one of our parents didn’t give us “validation” or so to speak ?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have you looked into Trauma bonding and Co-dependency as a starting point, not saying it’s this, but just to have a look.
Do you have many early memories?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Have you looked into Trauma bonding and Co-dependency as a starting point, not saying it’s this, but just to have a look.
Do you have many early memories?
"
I do and I don’t . I do obviously know about my whole being but remove that, I don’t have a lot of early early memories and the only one that sticks is when my mum took me abroad for like a year and something and separated me from my dad.
I remember us calling and crying over the phone that I wanted to go back to my dad and also, I remember when I finally got back home I remember his tears. I must have been 4 or 5 at best as it was before primary school and during the kindergarten years hmmm
It’s a fading memory tho x but there’s some recollections like a wooden chair my dad used to sit at |
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You definitely are a woman then 
Women seem to like dickheads. They always have.
They ignore the nice guys, and I'm not included the wet lettuce nice guys or the the pretend to be nice guys.
They comprise and marry one of the non-dickheads in the end. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You definitely are a woman then
Women seem to like dickheads. They always have.
They ignore the nice guys, and I'm not included the wet lettuce nice guys or the the pretend to be nice guys.
They comprise and marry one of the non-dickheads in the end. "
Trust me , I may not have been born biologically as one but my head/brain is all woman from when I was in my mum’s tummy probably she either lacked testosterone to “complete me” or she ate too much pythoestrogen that “messed me up” lolssss xx |
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By *3nsesMan
over a year ago
Dublin |
"
I think we both fall into the second category…
And guess what, surprise surprise we both suffer from low self esteem or somehow we seek high value validation from assholes
(Maybe because our primary carers were the first to not give it to us??)
Very likely. If a child doesn't feel they are given love from their parent(s) it can have a massive impact on the decisions that person takes throughout their life.
But knowing the cycle and reasons why are needed to break the cycle.
The super strange thing is that for example my dad was exceptional while her mum is/was exceptional
So why do we have this when only one of our parents didn’t give us “validation” or so to speak ?? "
Every person wants validation, or some positive reinforcement. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "treat them mean, to keep them keen". If someone gives zero validation it can lead to that person really wanting validation from that specific person. It can be a very common and popular motivational/coaching technique.
As I mentioned earlier, people can often end up attracted to personality types similar to their parents. To put it bluntly, in both of your cases you are drawn to the personality of the parent who didn't give you validation. You both crave validation from someone who is very reluctant to give it. Just like how it was in childhood. And how n the flip side, the nice person who gives you validation easily holds no attention or interest to you.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
I think we both fall into the second category…
And guess what, surprise surprise we both suffer from low self esteem or somehow we seek high value validation from assholes
(Maybe because our primary carers were the first to not give it to us??)
Very likely. If a child doesn't feel they are given love from their parent(s) it can have a massive impact on the decisions that person takes throughout their life.
But knowing the cycle and reasons why are needed to break the cycle.
The super strange thing is that for example my dad was exceptional while her mum is/was exceptional
So why do we have this when only one of our parents didn’t give us “validation” or so to speak ??
Every person wants validation, or some positive reinforcement. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "treat them mean, to keep them keen". If someone gives zero validation it can lead to that person really wanting validation from that specific person. It can be a very common and popular motivational/coaching technique.
As I mentioned earlier, people can often end up attracted to personality types similar to their parents. To put it bluntly, in both of your cases you are drawn to the personality of the parent who didn't give you validation. You both crave validation from someone who is very reluctant to give it. Just like how it was in childhood. And how n the flip side, the nice person who gives you validation easily holds no attention or interest to you.
"
Yeah I can see that, I mean my dad was the first man I’ve ever loved but I admit I took him for granted a lot and somehow was seeking more from my mother and she only came through when I was in my late teens and I “forgive her” and now our relationship is amazing.
My twin on the other hand, doesn’t speak to her dad at all even tho he’s around (as in lives in the same city) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
I think we both fall into the second category…
And guess what, surprise surprise we both suffer from low self esteem or somehow we seek high value validation from assholes
(Maybe because our primary carers were the first to not give it to us??)
Very likely. If a child doesn't feel they are given love from their parent(s) it can have a massive impact on the decisions that person takes throughout their life.
But knowing the cycle and reasons why are needed to break the cycle.
The super strange thing is that for example my dad was exceptional while her mum is/was exceptional
So why do we have this when only one of our parents didn’t give us “validation” or so to speak ??
Every person wants validation, or some positive reinforcement. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "treat them mean, to keep them keen". If someone gives zero validation it can lead to that person really wanting validation from that specific person. It can be a very common and popular motivational/coaching technique.
As I mentioned earlier, people can often end up attracted to personality types similar to their parents. To put it bluntly, in both of your cases you are drawn to the personality of the parent who didn't give you validation. You both crave validation from someone who is very reluctant to give it. Just like how it was in childhood. And how n the flip side, the nice person who gives you validation easily holds no attention or interest to you.
Yeah I can see that, I mean my dad was the first man I’ve ever loved but I admit I took him for granted a lot and somehow was seeking more from my mother and she only came through when I was in my late teens and I “forgive her” and now our relationship is amazing.
My twin on the other hand, doesn’t speak to her dad at all even tho he’s around (as in lives in the same city)"
We both come from families who divorced pretty early in our lives btw. Mine divorced when I was 4-5 and same for her |
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