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Charm or Smarm ?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Talking to a wise and experienced female friend (not Fab) she said the one type of man she now avoids are 'the charmers', which to her means a little fake.
So is 'charm' something superficial to be wary of or is it another word for charisma which sounds much more positive and real?
Charmers and the charmless please step forward  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If someone was being charming I would think they had an ulterior motive. Yet, I think you can be charismatic without being smarmy and without subconsciously advertising a hidden agenda.
In short, a cunt's a cunt and if you're genuine it will shine through  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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I'm afraid I'm neither wise or experienced (practically virginal) and I love a charming man if that charm is genuine and with real warmth. Sometimes people naturally have charisma and when they give me a compliment I feel all fuzzy inside and blush and get a bit silly. Real charisma is lovely and something I adore. That can easily exist without being smarmy.
Smarm, on the other hand, isn't authentic and feels forced. That makes me uncomfortable. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There's a balance to be had. Too charming and expecting reciprocation is sleazy, but nothing should stop you being genuinely kind or complimentary without expecting to be owed something.
Just be kind |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I am uniformly charmless, so I appreciate charm in others.
It's a very wide gulf for me between charm and smarm. Charm is natural and without ulterior motive. Smarm is performative and cynical."
Pah, you come over on Forum as having a strong and attractive personality, whether you call that charm or not. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If someone was being charming I would think they had an ulterior motive. Yet, I think you can be charismatic without being smarmy and without subconsciously advertising a hidden agenda.
In short, a cunt's a cunt and if you're genuine it will shine through "
Absolutely spot on!
Here's the dictionary definition
the power or quality of delighting, attracting, or fascinating others.
I like meeting charming people who don't take themselves too seriously.
BTW - your profile is good and made the missus an me have a laugh
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I try to be sincere with my charm.
If it's taken as sharmy then they don't know me well enough.  "
I think sincerity is a good word here CG. Goes with other descriptions of 'real' charm as being effortless. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think charm is a lot to do with being genuinely interested in the other person, listening to them and interacting, eye contact, real, not faked smiles, all that kind of thing. Being yourself in fact, as long as your real self is a decent mix of intelligence, empathy, wit and maybe a little cheekiness too.
That's way too many words to describe what people either have or don't. I do believe it's innate, or at least learnt very early. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If someone was being charming I would think they had an ulterior motive. Yet, I think you can be charismatic without being smarmy and without subconsciously advertising a hidden agenda.
In short, a cunt's a cunt and if you're genuine it will shine through "
A cunt's still a cunt by any other name. I'm sure Shakespeare said something similar  |
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Oh I adore especially old gentleman who lay on the charm when they talk to me. When I used to work as a bar maid, they'd be all charming as you remind me of xyz when I was younger. They'd always want to make sure I got home ok and open doors etc. There was no motive just good old fashioned charm. I happen to think it's adorable |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Some guys are just natural charmers...the ones that try too hard are smarmers "
Smarmers, I like
I guess that begs the question of how much is 'trying too hard' ? If someone doesn't have natural charm can they work at it, or will that always seem fake ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Oh I adore especially old gentleman who lay on the charm when they talk to me. When I used to work as a bar maid, they'd be all charming as you remind me of xyz when I was younger. They'd always want to make sure I got home ok and open doors etc. There was no motive just good old fashioned charm. I happen to think it's adorable"
Little side question; if a young guy was to exhibit the same behaviours would you still think it's adorable? I find that I have similar traits but being young I feel like I'm looked at as being weird/having an ulterior motive when I'm just being decent  |
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A true charmer doesn't differentiate between those he is charming towards just like a true gent doesn't adjust his behaviour with men and women.
Some fab charmers and fab gents often get that confused and are like the proverbial rat up a drainpipe with the charm offensive when a woman enters the room or thread.
Sychophancy and charm are not compatible bedfellows. |
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"Oh I adore especially old gentleman who lay on the charm when they talk to me. When I used to work as a bar maid, they'd be all charming as you remind me of xyz when I was younger. They'd always want to make sure I got home ok and open doors etc. There was no motive just good old fashioned charm. I happen to think it's adorable
Little side question; if a young guy was to exhibit the same behaviours would you still think it's adorable? I find that I have similar traits but being young I feel like I'm looked at as being weird/having an ulterior motive when I'm just being decent "
If they spoke in the same way then yes. I found there wasn't many men my age who were as charming. But I tell you the ones who were had all the bar maids swooning over them |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A true charmer doesn't differentiate between those he is charming towards just like a true gent doesn't adjust his behaviour with men and women.
Some fab charmers and fab gents often get that confused and are like the proverbial rat up a drainpipe with the charm offensive when a woman enters the room or thread.
Sychophancy and charm are not compatible bedfellows. "
That is a really good point in differentiating charm from smart. One is constant, the other contrived. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I never rule anyone out because they seem too charming! And that's because some people are genuinely like that and there is no sneaky intentions behind it. I like to take the time to get to know someone I am interested in so I can work out how genuine they are. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Isn't charming just being nice, polite and complimentary? I get some people might use that for ulterior motives, but generally that's not the case. "
I hope so but I'd say there's also something hard to define between good, decent behaviour and charismatic charm. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Isn't charming just being nice, polite and complimentary? I get some people might use that for ulterior motives, but generally that's not the case. "
You’d be surprised how many use it for ulterior motives  give them enough rope and they usually hang them selves |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Isn't charming just being nice, polite and complimentary? I get some people might use that for ulterior motives, but generally that's not the case.
You’d be surprised how many use it for ulterior motives give them enough rope and they usually hang them selves "
Also a great point. Are naturally charming people more prone to be manipulative as they think they'll get away with it?  |
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Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent. |
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"Charm is effortless. Smarm is hard work and is always obvious.
Charmers can have ulterior motives and can use their natural charm like smoke and mirrors but they can't sustain it. "
Exactly! They always slip up, sooner or later |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent."
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too ! |
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"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too ! "
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Isn't charming just being nice, polite and complimentary? I get some people might use that for ulterior motives, but generally that's not the case.
You’d be surprised how many use it for ulterior motives give them enough rope and they usually hang them selves "
I suppose I've just got old fashioned values. It's nice to be nice |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Isn't charming just being nice, polite and complimentary? I get some people might use that for ulterior motives, but generally that's not the case.
You’d be surprised how many use it for ulterior motives give them enough rope and they usually hang them selves
I suppose I've just got old fashioned values. It's nice to be nice "
That’s just you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless? "
Nah the whole of the north west |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Charm comes across as natural and effortless.
Sharm is forced, fake and has you reaching for the bucket
You need your eyes wide open, your wit and past to notice the difference "
I talked about this with my friend. She felt her instincts had been wrong too many times and she no longer trusted them to tell the difference. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west "
Heh, women can be charmers too so you and Red prove that's not true !  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Charm comes across as natural and effortless.
Sharm is forced, fake and has you reaching for the bucket
You need your eyes wide open, your wit and past to notice the difference
I talked about this with my friend. She felt her instincts had been wrong too many times and she no longer trusted them to tell the difference."
It’s hard when put your trust people and they let down time and time again, you stop trusting that gut instinct and doubt yourself. |
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"Charm comes across as natural and effortless.
Sharm is forced, fake and has you reaching for the bucket
You need your eyes wide open, your wit and past to notice the difference
I talked about this with my friend. She felt her instincts had been wrong too many times and she no longer trusted them to tell the difference."
We've all fallen for the duds, Leo.
It's taken me the best part of my nearly 54 yrs to be able to rumble them early on  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west
Heh, women can be charmers too so you and Red prove that's not true ! "
Ha ha I’ve not a charming bone in my body! Brutally honest me gets me trouble  |
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"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west "
Ah, there's one or two, Wanda. Just wayyyyy north of me |
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"
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west
Heh, women can be charmers too so you and Red prove that's not true ! "
Takes one to know one, Leo |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west
Ah, there's one or two, Wanda. Just wayyyyy north of me "
Road trip? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west
Ah, there's one or two, Wanda. Just wayyyyy north of me "
You and those kilts! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west
Ah, there's one or two, Wanda. Just wayyyyy north of me
You and those kilts! "
Kilts? |
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"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west
Ah, there's one or two, Wanda. Just wayyyyy north of me
Road trip? "
Yes! I'll drive |
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"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west
Ah, there's one or two, Wanda. Just wayyyyy north of me
You and those kilts!
Kilts? "
Oh yes. Kilts  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west "
There was 1 but I moved to Bristol!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west
Ah, there's one or two, Wanda. Just wayyyyy north of me
Road trip?
Yes! I'll drive "
Getting my bag |
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"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west
There was 1 but I moved to Bristol!! "
Blummin' typical! |
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"Charm comes across as natural and effortless.
Sharm is forced, fake and has you reaching for the bucket
You need your eyes wide open, your wit and past to notice the difference
I talked about this with my friend. She felt her instincts had been wrong too many times and she no longer trusted them to tell the difference."
I treat it all as sharm, without the bucket, until know them better, in other words take everything said with a huge punch of salt. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west
There was 1 but I moved to Bristol!!
Blummin' typical! "
I was on holiday in Blackpool last week. If only I'd known my charm was needed I could have offered my services. Soweee  |
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"Charm comes across as natural and effortless.
Sharm is forced, fake and has you reaching for the bucket
You need your eyes wide open, your wit and past to notice the difference
I talked about this with my friend. She felt her instincts had been wrong too many times and she no longer trusted them to tell the difference.
I treat it all as sharm, without the bucket, until know them better, in other words take everything said with a huge punch of salt. "
Yup, that's a good way to look at it |
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"Like Frida said above, I love an old fashioned type of charming man. One who was brought up to respect themselves and others.
I don't mean someone trying to charm my knickers off, or being obsequious, just someone who makes me feel warm, happy & looked after in their company.
I had the pleasure of a social recently, with just that type of gent.
Ah, lucky you Red, and a lucky Gent too !
Aw, thanks Leo.
Shame the true charmers are never local. Or is the Merseyside area totally charmless?
Nah the whole of the north west
Ah, there's one or two, Wanda. Just wayyyyy north of me
Road trip?
Yes! I'll drive
Getting my bag "
I'll bring snacks, you pack condoms |
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By *icearmsMan
over a year ago
KIDLINGTON |
I'm polite and courteous, and hold doors open for others of either sex.
That not me trying to be charming, but acting as a nice guy. Maybe it just comes naturally and it happens every day in the job that I do.
Having dealt with smarmy people I would aliken them to being 2 faced.. Will say and do what they need to get something out of you, but ypu known that after the event they could care less.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm polite and courteous, and hold doors open for others of either sex.
That not me trying to be charming, but acting as a nice guy. Maybe it just comes naturally and it happens every day in the job that I do.
Having dealt with smarmy people I would aliken them to being 2 faced.. Will say and do what they need to get something out of you, but ypu known that after the event they could care less.
"
Yes, I think consistency is key to
knowing if charm is genuine or not. |
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