FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Asking for help?
Asking for help?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Do you ask for help if you need it? Are you resistant to asking for help? If you are, they why?
I realised last year, that people want to help, they like to help others …it was an interesting realisation… |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't so much ask for help from others unless it's my boyfriend but I have learned to make people aware that I may be struggling through a difficult situation just in case they notice a change in my behaviour.
So maybe in that way I am asking for help, to show me compassion and to support me as I work through a problem.
NBVN x |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
I very rarely ask for help. I'm more inclined to wait until it all goes absolutely to helm in a hand handcart and then claim I'm fine to anyone who asks.
But I'll be there to help others in a heartbeat. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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I used to be really dire at it because I didn't want to be seen as weak or rely on another person - I put myself through uni, paid off my student loans without anyone else. I'd also seen things sour when I helped others and I didn't want that to happen. A part of me thought that people wouldn't want to help me because maybe, deep down, I wasn't very likeable or the sort people would want to help.
But over the past year or so I've grown more comfortable in saying actually, I could do with emotional help. I realised that I was doing my friends an injustice by not giving them the chance to be there for me as I've been for them. And my friends are good people, flawed as we all are but inherently good. Even if it's just me saying I'm going through a difficult time of the month, I know they'll be understanding and supportive even with my hormonal sad and self doubting. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Rarely. Being blessed with decent mental and physical health I’m usually the one reaching out to Friends and family who need it. That’s not a problem but it does mean most people assume you’re all good all the time, which of course no one is. When someone notices the times I’m struggling it means so much to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In 27 years of being the man! I’d never asked for help but always offered it, but I have had to ask fir help recently after a shitty time. And it was the scariest thing I’ve ever had to do, it’s completely alien to me to rely on someone else to talk me down.I’m Tom! People turn to me when they feel scared and upset. And I make them feel better I love being being that guy, But talking is working and I feel so much better for it. I will be me again, not the same one as I can see I’m not immune to feeling down now, I’m not the one guy who doesn't suffer.
But I’ll be a better Tom as I’ll be able to spot when I need a time out x
I still haven’t told my family I can’t! I don’t want people to treat me differently, there’s three friends that know the guy that spotted it in my eyes, my ex and another ex mil guy. |
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I'm like NVBN I don't ask for help directly but I will tell people what is happening and that I'm struggling.
I know there is very little I can't deal with myself so that's what I do. Plus I found if I asked for help and didn't get it it actually made the situation ten times worse. So in short no I won't ask for help. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I never used to ask for help until I had a bad wobble a couple of years ago. I still internalise probably too much but I do chat to good listeners more. I'm usually the go to person for others so maybe knowing they're sometimes in a bad place I don't like to bother them with my issues? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I very rarely ask for help. I'm more inclined to wait until it all goes absolutely to helm in a hand handcart and then claim I'm fine to anyone who asks.
But I'll be there to help others in a heartbeat."
That’s interesting, so you like to help others, but you don’t like to ask for help? Do you think people want to help you if you need it? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I used to be really dire at it because I didn't want to be seen as weak or rely on another person - I put myself through uni, paid off my student loans without anyone else. I'd also seen things sour when I helped others and I didn't want that to happen. A part of me thought that people wouldn't want to help me because maybe, deep down, I wasn't very likeable or the sort people would want to help.
But over the past year or so I've grown more comfortable in saying actually, I could do with emotional help. I realised that I was doing my friends an injustice by not giving them the chance to be there for me as I've been for them. And my friends are good people, flawed as we all are but inherently good. Even if it's just me saying I'm going through a difficult time of the month, I know they'll be understanding and supportive even with my hormonal sad and self doubting."
Love this. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a big part of it isn’t it? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"In 27 years of being the man! I’d never asked for help but always offered it, but I have had to ask fir help recently after a shitty time. And it was the scariest thing I’ve ever had to do, it’s completely alien to me to rely on someone else to talk me down.I’m Tom! People turn to me when they feel scared and upset. And I make them feel better I love being being that guy, But talking is working and I feel so much better for it. I will be me again, not the same one as I can see I’m not immune to feeling down now, I’m not the one guy who doesn't suffer.
But I’ll be a better Tom as I’ll be able to spot when I need a time out x
I still haven’t told my family I can’t! I don’t want people to treat me differently, there’s three friends that know the guy that spotted it in my eyes, my ex and another ex mil guy. "
I’m happy to read this, it’s hard at first, but it gets easier |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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NEVER..it infuriates the hell out of everyone that knows me. Through the harshest of times i have just got on with it on my own. It will likely be the death of me..ho hum |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"NEVER..it infuriates the hell out of everyone that knows me. Through the harshest of times i have just got on with it on my own. It will likely be the death of me..ho hum"
Do you know why? |
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I'm generally pretty terrible at asking for help. Instead I will struggle on, insisting that I am fine and can manage on my own.
Yet I will help others in absolutely any way that I can, often putting their needs above my own.
K |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In 27 years of being the man! I’d never asked for help but always offered it, but I have had to ask fir help recently after a shitty time. And it was the scariest thing I’ve ever had to do, it’s completely alien to me to rely on someone else to talk me down.I’m Tom! People turn to me when they feel scared and upset. And I make them feel better I love being being that guy, But talking is working and I feel so much better for it. I will be me again, not the same one as I can see I’m not immune to feeling down now, I’m not the one guy who doesn't suffer.
But I’ll be a better Tom as I’ll be able to spot when I need a time out x
I still haven’t told my family I can’t! I don’t want people to treat me differently, there’s three friends that know the guy that spotted it in my eyes, my ex and another ex mil guy. "
This. Exactly this.
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm generally pretty terrible at asking for help. Instead I will struggle on, insisting that I am fine and can manage on my own.
Yet I will help others in absolutely any way that I can, often putting their needs above my own.
K "
It’s curious that we love to help others, but won’t ask. I realised that I was doing people a disservice, by not allowing them to help me in return. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm generally pretty terrible at asking for help. Instead I will struggle on, insisting that I am fine and can manage on my own.
Yet I will help others in absolutely any way that I can, often putting their needs above my own.
K "
This has been me for 27 years, well not because I genuinely thought I was ok, I’ve always processed trauma easily and put things to bed easily. Wether that was trauma happening around me, or the injuries and stuff that happened to me directly. If you feel you’re struggling, please ask for help. I never thought I could and it was terrifying doing so. But it really isn’t as scary as I thought |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"NEVER..it infuriates the hell out of everyone that knows me. Through the harshest of times i have just got on with it on my own. It will likely be the death of me..ho hum
Do you know why? "
My guess is that in the past no one has been there and so I became self reliant from a VERY young age. Never grew up with any kind of support structure always told I would fail and was a loser and useless. I refused to accept that. Realised I can cope with anything mentally or physically so I do. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"NEVER..it infuriates the hell out of everyone that knows me. Through the harshest of times i have just got on with it on my own. It will likely be the death of me..ho hum
Do you know why?
My guess is that in the past no one has been there and so I became self reliant from a VERY young age. Never grew up with any kind of support structure always told I would fail and was a loser and useless. I refused to accept that. Realised I can cope with anything mentally or physically so I do. "
I’m so sorry  . Being aware of it is a great start though, if that’s what you want. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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" Love this. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a big part of it isn’t it?"
Yes definitely. We align vulnerability with weakness, with being silly and a potential burden but being vulnerable can be a strength. It's being brave enough to say to someone, this is how I feel and I'm trusting you with this. It's not closing yourself off, allowing yourself to be authentic and giving others the chance to show you they can be trusted. It's not allowing cynicism and self doubt to prevent you from forming closer bonds. When you're vulnerable you're exposing your soft side and taking a chance in another person. That takes real courage. |
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By *VineMan
over a year ago
The right place |
I tend not to ask for help for things that I can do easily myself, and tbh it annoys me a bit if others ask for help in those circumstances.
But if I feel overwhelmed or faced with something beyond me, I will ask. Also I love helping people in those circumstances too. |
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By *VineMan
over a year ago
The right place |
" Love this. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a big part of it isn’t it?
Yes definitely. We align vulnerability with weakness, with being silly and a potential burden but being vulnerable can be a strength. It's being brave enough to say to someone, this is how I feel and I'm trusting you with this. It's not closing yourself off, allowing yourself to be authentic and giving others the chance to show you they can be trusted. It's not allowing cynicism and self doubt to prevent you from forming closer bonds. When you're vulnerable you're exposing your soft side and taking a chance in another person. That takes real courage."
Have you read any of Brene Brown’s books on this? They are very good. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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" Love this. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a big part of it isn’t it?
Yes definitely. We align vulnerability with weakness, with being silly and a potential burden but being vulnerable can be a strength. It's being brave enough to say to someone, this is how I feel and I'm trusting you with this. It's not closing yourself off, allowing yourself to be authentic and giving others the chance to show you they can be trusted. It's not allowing cynicism and self doubt to prevent you from forming closer bonds. When you're vulnerable you're exposing your soft side and taking a chance in another person. That takes real courage."
I absolutely agree. When I had the realisation, it was a real eye opener for me.
Also, allowing vulnerability can lead to closer relationships. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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" Love this. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a big part of it isn’t it?
Yes definitely. We align vulnerability with weakness, with being silly and a potential burden but being vulnerable can be a strength. It's being brave enough to say to someone, this is how I feel and I'm trusting you with this. It's not closing yourself off, allowing yourself to be authentic and giving others the chance to show you they can be trusted. It's not allowing cynicism and self doubt to prevent you from forming closer bonds. When you're vulnerable you're exposing your soft side and taking a chance in another person. That takes real courage.
Have you read any of Brene Brown’s books on this? They are very good. "
No but I've listened to her Ted talk! I might try and find a couple of her books, it's definitely a subject I'm interested in. Thank you Vine.  |
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I'm asking for help a lot at the moment. New job with lots to learn but if you don't ask you won't learn or could just mess it up.
There's no shame in asking for help and I like being able to offer help to others when I can. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"NEVER..it infuriates the hell out of everyone that knows me. Through the harshest of times i have just got on with it on my own. It will likely be the death of me..ho hum
Do you know why?
My guess is that in the past no one has been there and so I became self reliant from a VERY young age. Never grew up with any kind of support structure always told I would fail and was a loser and useless. I refused to accept that. Realised I can cope with anything mentally or physically so I do.
I’m so sorry . Being aware of it is a great start though, if that’s what you want. "
What doesn't kills you makes you stronger right. Like others have said it makes me want to always be there to help others. I see the irony when I get annoyed with people not asking me for help  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's a big running joke in my household that I never ask for help, even with silly little things. I learned very young that there was no point in asking for help and that I'd regret drawing attention to myself, and it's something I've never been able to shake. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've learnt to over time, but unfortunately I've also learnt that blokes are chuffing useless at asking for it and backing up their offers of it with action. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm asking for help a lot at the moment. New job with lots to learn but if you don't ask you won't learn or could just mess it up.
There's no shame in asking for help and I like being able to offer help to others when I can."
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"NEVER..it infuriates the hell out of everyone that knows me. Through the harshest of times i have just got on with it on my own. It will likely be the death of me..ho hum
Do you know why?
My guess is that in the past no one has been there and so I became self reliant from a VERY young age. Never grew up with any kind of support structure always told I would fail and was a loser and useless. I refused to accept that. Realised I can cope with anything mentally or physically so I do.
I’m so sorry . Being aware of it is a great start though, if that’s what you want.
What doesn't kills you makes you stronger right. Like others have said it makes me want to always be there to help others. I see the irony when I get annoyed with people not asking me for help "
It’s interesting how our upbringing affects us so much, even later in life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"NEVER..it infuriates the hell out of everyone that knows me. Through the harshest of times i have just got on with it on my own. It will likely be the death of me..ho hum
Do you know why?
My guess is that in the past no one has been there and so I became self reliant from a VERY young age. Never grew up with any kind of support structure always told I would fail and was a loser and useless. I refused to accept that. Realised I can cope with anything mentally or physically so I do.
I’m so sorry . Being aware of it is a great start though, if that’s what you want.
What doesn't kills you makes you stronger right. Like others have said it makes me want to always be there to help others. I see the irony when I get annoyed with people not asking me for help
It’s interesting how our upbringing affects us so much, even later in life."
Even though mine was almost entirely negative it's affected me in a positive way. I have a cousin who had a similar upbringing but more violence who has had two heart attacks. Part of his recovery was talking to a physiatrist, told him the trauma and stress of him holding onto his childhood was a MAJOR factor in his heart attacks. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
No, I’m terrible at it. I struggle to put my needs first and to communicate what’s happening with me.
I’ve found that most people don’t really want to help, they often pay lip service but disappear soon after. It sounds harsh but it’s been a hard lesson that there are few people that can be relied upon in life. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"NEVER..it infuriates the hell out of everyone that knows me. Through the harshest of times i have just got on with it on my own. It will likely be the death of me..ho hum
Do you know why?
My guess is that in the past no one has been there and so I became self reliant from a VERY young age. Never grew up with any kind of support structure always told I would fail and was a loser and useless. I refused to accept that. Realised I can cope with anything mentally or physically so I do.
I’m so sorry . Being aware of it is a great start though, if that’s what you want.
What doesn't kills you makes you stronger right. Like others have said it makes me want to always be there to help others. I see the irony when I get annoyed with people not asking me for help
It’s interesting how our upbringing affects us so much, even later in life.
Even though mine was almost entirely negative it's affected me in a positive way. I have a cousin who had a similar upbringing but more violence who has had two heart attacks. Part of his recovery was talking to a physiatrist, told him the trauma and stress of him holding onto his childhood was a MAJOR factor in his heart attacks."
I’m very much a believer in emotional causes of physical issues, but agree, it affects everyone differently.
I’m so sorry you both experienced that |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
I do, it’s not that often but I do and I’m often surprised by how much certain people want to give and others who don’t or make excuses. I should do it more, I’m there for people so I should also use peoples help more and it’s a good way to figure who your real friends are |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"No, I’m terrible at it. I struggle to put my needs first and to communicate what’s happening with me.
I’ve found that most people don’t really want to help, they often pay lip service but disappear soon after. It sounds harsh but it’s been a hard lesson that there are few people that can be relied upon in life. "
Sometimes you need to prioritise yourself. It’s like putting your oxygen mask on first, if you don’t, you’re unable to help anyone else.
You will always get insincere offers of help, but you will also get sincere ones, I guess for me, it’s trusting …? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"No I don’t ask for help, sometimes close people will point out that I’m not myself. So I prefer support rather than help. "
Is there a difference, curious to hear? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I admit I struggle to ask for help as I feel like I’m too much of a burden sometimes x I’m learning tho… "
I hear you on that one, but we imagine that more about ourselves than is actually true I think. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In 27 years of being the man! I’d never asked for help but always offered it, but I have had to ask fir help recently after a shitty time. And it was the scariest thing I’ve ever had to do, it’s completely alien to me to rely on someone else to talk me down.I’m Tom! People turn to me when they feel scared and upset. And I make them feel better I love being being that guy, But talking is working and I feel so much better for it. I will be me again, not the same one as I can see I’m not immune to feeling down now, I’m not the one guy who doesn't suffer.
But I’ll be a better Tom as I’ll be able to spot when I need a time out x
I still haven’t told my family I can’t! I don’t want people to treat me differently, there’s three friends that know the guy that spotted it in my eyes, my ex and another ex mil guy.
I’m happy to read this, it’s hard at first, but it gets easier "
I’ve just been climbing too and had a great hours focus while doing so. Feel good to x |
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I'm also not very good at asking for help. There's probably a balance e.g asking for help all the time doesn't sound good but neither does going it alone.
The upbringing of today's men meant you were a bit of a pussy if you had to ask for help |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No I don’t ask for help, sometimes close people will point out that I’m not myself. So I prefer support rather than help.
Is there a difference, curious to hear?"
.
Yes I don’t want advice from people, but I like when people have your back unconditionally |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In 27 years of being the man! I’d never asked for help but always offered it, but I have had to ask fir help recently after a shitty time. And it was the scariest thing I’ve ever had to do, it’s completely alien to me to rely on someone else to talk me down.I’m Tom! People turn to me when they feel scared and upset. And I make them feel better I love being being that guy, But talking is working and I feel so much better for it. I will be me again, not the same one as I can see I’m not immune to feeling down now, I’m not the one guy who doesn't suffer.
But I’ll be a better Tom as I’ll be able to spot when I need a time out x
I still haven’t told my family I can’t! I don’t want people to treat me differently, there’s three friends that know the guy that spotted it in my eyes, my ex and another ex mil guy.
This. Exactly this.
Mr"
I’ve just had an hours climbing at the climbing centre. I hear you’re a climber too? It’s something I like doing but nit great at. But that hours climbing focuses me. And I feel achey and tired so that’s good to
Have a great day you two |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"No I don’t ask for help, sometimes close people will point out that I’m not myself. So I prefer support rather than help.
Is there a difference, curious to hear?.
Yes I don’t want advice from people, but I like when people have your back unconditionally "
So it’s more of an independence thing? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I admit I struggle to ask for help as I feel like I’m too much of a burden sometimes x I’m learning tho…
I hear you on that one, but we imagine that more about ourselves than is actually true I think."
For sure! I think it can be a mental block we create when in fact a lot of people, especially close ones are happy to give a hand x
It’s just difficult when you just think I won’t bother them, I can try do it myself or handle it myself x |
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I will always offer and give help … but if it’s something I can manage myself, I rarely ask for help.
I tend to find these days (as Vine eluded to further up) people are quick to offer help if they think you need it, but come the fulfilling of actually proving it… nowhere to be seen.
I found this when my Dad passed away recently. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No I don’t ask for help, sometimes close people will point out that I’m not myself. So I prefer support rather than help.
Is there a difference, curious to hear?.
Yes I don’t want advice from people, but I like when people have your back unconditionally
So it’s more of an independence thing?"
No, nobody has ever been me or you so it’s our stuff / issues etc. It’s only me who can deal with them but talking getting things off your chest can help a lot. Someone advising you on how they would deal with it doesn’t help me. |
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Over minor stuff yes I’ll ask for help. But if I’m having a dark time then no I can’t. Partly because I know nobody can do anything to truly help the situation and partly because at that point I can communicate less. But I do have sort of key phrases that I can say to loved ones that means I’m pretty crap but I’m perfectly safe. So they can support me by just knowing without having to discuss anything. |
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"I will always offer and give help … but if it’s something I can manage myself, I rarely ask for help.
I tend to find these days (as Vine eluded to further up) people are quick to offer help if they think you need it, but come the fulfilling of actually proving it… nowhere to be seen.
I found this when my Dad passed away recently. "
This gets me annoyed.
If I offer to help, it's a genuine offer. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"No I don’t ask for help, sometimes close people will point out that I’m not myself. So I prefer support rather than help.
Is there a difference, curious to hear?.
Yes I don’t want advice from people, but I like when people have your back unconditionally
So it’s more of an independence thing?
No, nobody has ever been me or you so it’s our stuff / issues etc. It’s only me who can deal with them but talking getting things off your chest can help a lot. Someone advising you on how they would deal with it doesn’t help me. "
So help for you, would look like someone listening and not talking? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Unfortunately not anymore and I’m not sure why, maybe I’m to proud to stubborn, I lost people really close to me that I would often lean on and just haven’t replaced those bonds or maybe I just locked it away, I definitely over compensate by helping others I love the feeling of being able to do that for people, I do it’s all time with my business and especially for the elderly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No I don’t ask for help, sometimes close people will point out that I’m not myself. So I prefer support rather than help.
Is there a difference, curious to hear?.
Yes I don’t want advice from people, but I like when people have your back unconditionally
So it’s more of an independence thing?
No, nobody has ever been me or you so it’s our stuff / issues etc. It’s only me who can deal with them but talking getting things off your chest can help a lot. Someone advising you on how they would deal with it doesn’t help me.
So help for you, would look like someone listening and not talking?"
That makes it sound very black or white. I don’t ask for help because generally I don’t know I need any. It’s usually in hindsight I realise I probably did. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am excellent at helping others
I have slowly started to pull people in to help with slivers that i share, but mostly its just me on my own
I think it stems from childhood - my father was an aggressive alcoholic and we moved every couple of years... So my takeaway in life is there is noone but you, who you can rely on
I'm incredibly independent, it's very hard for others
I rarely let anyone into my headspace /problems... I think my ex-Dom probably knows more than anyone else in my life
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I never liked to ask for help for anything. Eventually when you are in the quicksand right up to your head you realise perhaps it isnt such a bad thing. And you're right, there are people that want to help you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I am excellent at helping others
I have slowly started to pull people in to help with slivers that i share, but mostly its just me on my own
I think it stems from childhood - my father was an aggressive alcoholic and we moved every couple of years... So my takeaway in life is there is noone but you, who you can rely on
I'm incredibly independent, it's very hard for others
I rarely let anyone into my headspace /problems... I think my ex-Dom probably knows more than anyone else in my life
"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I never liked to ask for help for anything. Eventually when you are in the quicksand right up to your head you realise perhaps it isnt such a bad thing. And you're right, there are people that want to help you."
That was me last year. It got to the point where I actually couldn’t avoid asking for help. |
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I'm really not very good at asking for help. I'm the strong, level-headed, wise one, who steps in to help others.
I can only recall asking the once, when I decided to leave my ex, and it was a time when I was almost broken. I had nothing left and nothing to lose. I was overwhelmed by the abundance of support from so many people, even those that were no longer a part of my life, they all just appeared from nowhere and carried me on a wave. I will never forget that and yet now I've regained my strength, I doubt I will reach out like that again. I will always be there are for others regardless.
C |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No, I’m terrible at it. I struggle to put my needs first and to communicate what’s happening with me.
I’ve found that most people don’t really want to help, they often pay lip service but disappear soon after. It sounds harsh but it’s been a hard lesson that there are few people that can be relied upon in life. "
correct. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s rare I’ll ask for help or allow myself to depend on someone to help out. Every decision I have I make on the assumption that I’m doing it on my own, with no expectations to have help. Life is easier this way. I know I have me and it’ll get done. On the odd occasion I do reach out for help in any way it mostly ends up the same way.
I have a very small circle of people than when it comes down to it and I need someone be it for physical help or a chat I will call on them, but this is a recent thing. Emotionally it’s rare I reach out. I know generally what I need and when and so just deal with it mostly on my own. Many people who know me would tell you I don’t do emotions and don’t feel but if ever you need anything I’m the person to
I like being there for others and would do anything to help where I can. But I rarely ask in return |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m prone to struggling on by myself. However after an difficult start to 2021 I’ve realised that I’ve got some good mates that maybe I’d taken for granted. I didn’t need to ask for help, they spotted I was struggling and stepped in. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’m prone to struggling on by myself. However after an difficult start to 2021 I’ve realised that I’ve got some good mates that maybe I’d taken for granted. I didn’t need to ask for help, they spotted I was struggling and stepped in. "
That’s lovely |
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I will ask if I think someone can actually physically help, example moving house.
Anything personal no I don’t, I keep it to myself. The rarity I share anything it isn’t for help but more, I need to tell someone, so they are aware get it off my chest so to speak. Those individuals will be people I trust not only not to say anything to others, but also won’t be asking ‘are you ok’ or trying to offer advice. It is also protection guard for others in my life, I don’t want to be worrying about them, worrying about me, I don’t need that stress and neither do they.
I’ve always been the one that friends and family reach out to, I’ll quite happily listen, let them offload and tell them my point of view, if they ask for it. It was a big part of my last role, counselling and helping others, focusing on others is a great way to ‘park’ your own stuff |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I very rarely ask for help. I'm more inclined to wait until it all goes absolutely to helm in a hand handcart and then claim I'm fine to anyone who asks.
But I'll be there to help others in a heartbeat."
This is so me, even when I was a child I was the same. X |
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"I very rarely ask for help. I'm more inclined to wait until it all goes absolutely to helm in a hand handcart and then claim I'm fine to anyone who asks.
But I'll be there to help others in a heartbeat."
Rather to my detriment that's me  |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
Far too fiercely independent to ask for it... I basically hit rock bottom before I reach out, even then it's sometimes people noticing I have before I do and reach out to me.
I'm the first to lend an ear or help anyone else though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I never ask for help suppose a part of me is my stubbornness & the other half is I was always told “ You make your own bed you lie in it” have never forgotten those words either |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Far too fiercely independent to ask for it... I basically hit rock bottom before I reach out, even then it's sometimes people noticing I have before I do and reach out to me.
I'm the first to lend an ear or help anyone else though "
I do this too. Helping people before I notice I’m struggling myself. That being said I like helping people, so doing a good deed helps me when I’m struggling |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?"
I had never considered that but I think you may be onto something. |
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?"
From my experience others would appreciate to do the same for me and its a disservice to them not to ask for help.
I suppose if you have been the one to help so many for so long you could easily get set in your ways and become accustomed to not asking for help.
Other reason is often when you eventually ask for help other people cannot or will not help so you maybe lose faith in asking for it as ultimately fixing it ends up being down to you. |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?"
I've been told this before. But I can't get my head around the idea.
I don't feel I'm worthy of their time, their worry or their attention.
And that's not a "poor me" thing. It just is what it is. |
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?"
In my experience those that ask for help are not great at giving help, being there, giving their time, listening, not making it about them, etc if you need it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?
I've been told this before. But I can't get my head around the idea.
I don't feel I'm worthy of their time, their worry or their attention.
And that's not a "poor me" thing. It just is what it is."
I hear you. You are worth their time, you are worthy |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?
In my experience those that ask for help are not great at giving help, being there, giving their time, listening, not making it about them, etc if you need it. "
I’ve experienced it differently, I guess I’m really lucky. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?
In my experience those that ask for help are not great at giving help, being there, giving their time, listening, not making it about them, etc if you need it.
I’ve experienced it differently, I guess I’m really lucky. "
And to clarify, I will ask for help, not always, but some of the time, and I will also happily offer help too. |
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?
In my experience those that ask for help are not great at giving help, being there, giving their time, listening, not making it about them, etc if you need it.
I’ve experienced it differently, I guess I’m really lucky. "
Everyone’s experience and how they see things is different. I’m lucky in that people they know me respect my boundaries, they know if I wish to share I will in my own good time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I won’t ask for help I’m too independent, stubborn and won’t allow myself to be vulnerable.
It’s sad I know but it seems to be life’s lesson to me.
I’m fine  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?
In my experience those that ask for help are not great at giving help, being there, giving their time, listening, not making it about them, etc if you need it. "
This is what I have found too. You do get tired of being the one giving all the time. Going through a proper shitty time right now and those I've supported in the past are nowhere to be seen.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?
In my experience those that ask for help are not great at giving help, being there, giving their time, listening, not making it about them, etc if you need it.
This is what I have found too. You do get tired of being the one giving all the time. Going through a proper shitty time right now and those I've supported in the past are nowhere to be seen.
"
I find people are generally not interested in my problems, they just want to see happy go lucky me, so that’s what they get |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?
In my experience those that ask for help are not great at giving help, being there, giving their time, listening, not making it about them, etc if you need it.
This is what I have found too. You do get tired of being the one giving all the time. Going through a proper shitty time right now and those I've supported in the past are nowhere to be seen.
"
That’s rotten, sorry to hear. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?
In my experience those that ask for help are not great at giving help, being there, giving their time, listening, not making it about them, etc if you need it.
This is what I have found too. You do get tired of being the one giving all the time. Going through a proper shitty time right now and those I've supported in the past are nowhere to be seen.
That’s rotten, sorry to hear. "
Thank you |
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?
In my experience those that ask for help are not great at giving help, being there, giving their time, listening, not making it about them, etc if you need it.
This is what I have found too. You do get tired of being the one giving all the time. Going through a proper shitty time right now and those I've supported in the past are nowhere to be seen.
"
Totally understand that xx |
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"Interesting how many like to help, but don’t ask for help from others.
Do you think others would appreciate being able to do the same for you, and by not allowing them the opportunity to do the same, you do them a disservice?
I've been told this before. But I can't get my head around the idea.
I don't feel I'm worthy of their time, their worry or their attention.
And that's not a "poor me" thing. It just is what it is."
Very much this |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
In practical situations such as work related things or physical or skills things that are beyond me, have no problem at all asking for help.
More emotional/mental matters though I'm not great at asking for it outright and sometimes resent it when people try and help without me asking first.
Have also been in situations where "support" has actually been a very one way thing even when it's been me needing it, and it's been turned round into me supporting the person concerned rather than them supporting me.
Some people see their problems only and don't see the other person may be struggling or not best placed to offer support.
To give an example - a couple of years ago when Mum was in and out of hospital, and I was juggling spending time with her, a new (and busy) project with work, and various other things - someone I knew, who knew all I had on my plate, would contact me daily with their woes and yet never once asked how I was doing or even how my Mum was.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"In practical situations such as work related things or physical or skills things that are beyond me, have no problem at all asking for help.
More emotional/mental matters though I'm not great at asking for it outright and sometimes resent it when people try and help without me asking first.
Have also been in situations where "support" has actually been a very one way thing even when it's been me needing it, and it's been turned round into me supporting the person concerned rather than them supporting me.
Some people see their problems only and don't see the other person may be struggling or not best placed to offer support.
To give an example - a couple of years ago when Mum was in and out of hospital, and I was juggling spending time with her, a new (and busy) project with work, and various other things - someone I knew, who knew all I had on my plate, would contact me daily with their woes and yet never once asked how I was doing or even how my Mum was.
"
You make a good point, that it’s important for people to ask for help, don’t just interfere and give it. Also, when asking for help, I try and check that the other person has space available to give the help, or if I’m offering, I make sure I have enough in me to hold space for them, otherwise it can be turned around, and that doesn’t benefit either party. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Does asking for directions count? I mean, as a guy I have, on occasion in the past, bitten the bullet and stopped someone and asked. "
I’m sorry, I can’t believe that |
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