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D/s inevitable connections
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
Following on from the ‘fake’ Dom thread and a chat with a friend, I’ve been putting my own experiences and observations in perspective.
There is a huge amount of trust, communication and understanding between partners in a D/s dynamic, so much so that it fosters a depth of connection which is unlike any other.
I’ve found that my experiences with a long term partner have been far more rewarding and fulfilling than those that weren’t but also I’ve seen that many casual dynamics have grown into relationships for others as well.
My question is; is there a degree of inevitability that a strong D/s connection will lead to feelings for each other? Are dynamics better if there are feelings involved? |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I think there needs to be a depth of connection, but you can care for someone and even love them without being in love with them."
That’s a very subtle differentiation in this situation, do you think that it’s possible to maintain that distance in a dynamic? |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
It’s a very good question. I definitely agree re the depth of relationship and trust needed, I’ve had 3 significant D/s relationships , 2 from here one real life, and they all had that in common but none developed those feelings. It was all about the dynamic , that’s a very different adventure to love. Hard to explain but better and deeper but less needy and destructive |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think there needs to be a depth of connection, but you can care for someone and even love them without being in love with them.
That’s a very subtle differentiation in this situation, do you think that it’s possible to maintain that distance in a dynamic? "
With open communication, I think so. But perhaps not on both sides. In my experience, one person usually ends up falling in love and the other doesn't. Which is a shame. I'm the heartless one who never falls in love lol |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"It’s a very good question. I definitely agree re the depth of relationship and trust needed, I’ve had 3 significant D/s relationships , 2 from here one real life, and they all had that in common but none developed those feelings. It was all about the dynamic , that’s a very different adventure to love. Hard to explain but better and deeper but less needy and destructive "
Is love needy and destructive?
That’s an interesting perspective |
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The connection and closeness between luna and I is one of the most important aspects of our relationship wether it be garden party at our parents or D/s in a dungeon, there is mutual respect and understanding between us that has been nurtured over time and has lead us to a more satisfying relationship overall, I've never claimed to be A dom however I am HER dom and her submission to me is ultimately her choice and could be revoked at anytime very much like a marriage it is a two way street and i am always striving to be better for her pleasure. So called "fake doms" or "plastic doms" I feel are often someone who has an interest in the lifestyle but has jumped in with both feet before doing any research and think it's just about ordering someone about and beating them for their own enjoyment, we have come across a few of these people and we are always happy to have a conversation with them to try to furnish them with a finer understanding or the dynamics, we are in no way the be all and end all for BDSM however we feel that we have enough knowledge and experience to pass on to the people who are willing to learn and understand, we ultimately hope that our approach will save someone from making serious mistakes and potentially hurting someone or being hurt.
Mr Hayes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think most of the words of your OP can be applied to any kind of mutually fulfilling intimate relationship
Maybe, I’m talking specifically about D/s dynamics though"
I don't know why you think that would be different to any other relationship dynamic in terms of connection |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"The connection and closeness between luna and I is one of the most important aspects of our relationship wether it be garden party at our parents or D/s in a dungeon, there is mutual respect and understanding between us that has been nurtured over time and has lead us to a more satisfying relationship overall, I've never claimed to be A dom however I am HER dom and her submission to me is ultimately her choice and could be revoked at anytime very much like a marriage it is a two way street and i am always striving to be better for her pleasure. So called "fake doms" or "plastic doms" I feel are often someone who has an interest in the lifestyle but has jumped in with both feet before doing any research and think it's just about ordering someone about and beating them for their own enjoyment, we have come across a few of these people and we are always happy to have a conversation with them to try to furnish them with a finer understanding or the dynamics, we are in no way the be all and end all for BDSM however we feel that we have enough knowledge and experience to pass on to the people who are willing to learn and understand, we ultimately hope that our approach will save someone from making serious mistakes and potentially hurting someone or being hurt.
Mr Hayes."
The fake Dom issue is a separate one on the other thread but I understand the differentiation between A and her, which is interesting.
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"The connection and closeness between luna and I is one of the most important aspects of our relationship wether it be garden party at our parents or D/s in a dungeon, there is mutual respect and understanding between us that has been nurtured over time and has lead us to a more satisfying relationship overall, I've never claimed to be A dom however I am HER dom and her submission to me is ultimately her choice and could be revoked at anytime very much like a marriage it is a two way street and i am always striving to be better for her pleasure. So called "fake doms" or "plastic doms" I feel are often someone who has an interest in the lifestyle but has jumped in with both feet before doing any research and think it's just about ordering someone about and beating them for their own enjoyment, we have come across a few of these people and we are always happy to have a conversation with them to try to furnish them with a finer understanding or the dynamics, we are in no way the be all and end all for BDSM however we feel that we have enough knowledge and experience to pass on to the people who are willing to learn and understand, we ultimately hope that our approach will save someone from making serious mistakes and potentially hurting someone or being hurt.
Mr Hayes.
The fake Dom issue is a separate one on the other thread but I understand the differentiation between A and her, which is interesting.
"
My apologies I may have gone off on a tangent as I was trying to multitask, I really should know my limitations.
Mr Hayes |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I think most of the words of your OP can be applied to any kind of mutually fulfilling intimate relationship
Maybe, I’m talking specifically about D/s dynamics though
I don't know why you think that would be different to any other relationship dynamic in terms of connection "
Because D/s dynamics aren’t always within couples.
I’m taking it that you don’t understand the question? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think most of the words of your OP can be applied to any kind of mutually fulfilling intimate relationship
Maybe, I’m talking specifically about D/s dynamics though
I don't know why you think that would be different to any other relationship dynamic in terms of connection
Because D/s dynamics aren’t always within couples.
I’m taking it that you don’t understand the question? "
I understand it fine
I don't understand why the language used tries to set it apart/above any other kind of relationship dynamic |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think most of the words of your OP can be applied to any kind of mutually fulfilling intimate relationship
Maybe, I’m talking specifically about D/s dynamics though
I don't know why you think that would be different to any other relationship dynamic in terms of connection "
I agree with this as well. I’ve read your opening statement several times to see what applies to D/s in particular and I can’t find it. I know you are asking for the sentiment to be applied to D/s in this case but I’d say it applies throughout every dynamic of a casual relationship that might lead to feelings. |
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"I think most of the words of your OP can be applied to any kind of mutually fulfilling intimate relationship
Maybe, I’m talking specifically about D/s dynamics though
I don't know why you think that would be different to any other relationship dynamic in terms of connection
Because D/s dynamics aren’t always within couples.
I’m taking it that you don’t understand the question?
I understand it fine
I don't understand why the language used tries to set it apart/above any other kind of relationship dynamic "
How is asking a question about a specific subject setting it above anything? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think most of the words of your OP can be applied to any kind of mutually fulfilling intimate relationship
Maybe, I’m talking specifically about D/s dynamics though
I don't know why you think that would be different to any other relationship dynamic in terms of connection
Because D/s dynamics aren’t always within couples.
I’m taking it that you don’t understand the question?
I understand it fine
I don't understand why the language used tries to set it apart/above any other kind of relationship dynamic
How is asking a question about a specific subject setting it above anything?"
In the language used in the opening post |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think most of the words of your OP can be applied to any kind of mutually fulfilling intimate relationship
Maybe, I’m talking specifically about D/s dynamics though
I don't know why you think that would be different to any other relationship dynamic in terms of connection
Because D/s dynamics aren’t always within couples.
I’m taking it that you don’t understand the question?
I understand it fine
I don't understand why the language used tries to set it apart/above any other kind of relationship dynamic
How is asking a question about a specific subject setting it above anything?
In the language used in the opening post "
But if he’s talking about, in his experience, that’s surely valid? It’s not setting it above, it’s asking a question about the D/s dynamics. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I think most of the words of your OP can be applied to any kind of mutually fulfilling intimate relationship
Maybe, I’m talking specifically about D/s dynamics though
I don't know why you think that would be different to any other relationship dynamic in terms of connection
Because D/s dynamics aren’t always within couples.
I’m taking it that you don’t understand the question?
I understand it fine
I don't understand why the language used tries to set it apart/above any other kind of relationship dynamic
How is asking a question about a specific subject setting it above anything?
In the language used in the opening post "
It’s a specific question about an individual topic, I’m unsure as to why you’re trying to pick apart my OP or find fault with it but it seems very clear to me.
It’s a question about D/s dynamics, I’m not belittling other relationships or dynamics, I’m asking a specific question on an individual topic.
Can we get back to the question now? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I suppose if the question is specific to within D/s interaction and dynamic, I’m not certain it would be more pleasurable. It would be no different than asking if sex would be better with feelings. It would certainly be different and depends on how you define pleasure and it being a ‘better’ dynamic if feelings are involved. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I think most of the words of your OP can be applied to any kind of mutually fulfilling intimate relationship
Maybe, I’m talking specifically about D/s dynamics though
I don't know why you think that would be different to any other relationship dynamic in terms of connection
Because D/s dynamics aren’t always within couples.
I’m taking it that you don’t understand the question?
I understand it fine
I don't understand why the language used tries to set it apart/above any other kind of relationship dynamic
How is asking a question about a specific subject setting it above anything?
In the language used in the opening post "
I think that you’re seeing the phrase ‘a connection unlike any other’ as belittling other dynamics. All it means is that it’s unique, not better |
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By *adMerWoman
over a year ago
Sandwich |
"Following on from the ‘fake’ Dom thread and a chat with a friend, I’ve been putting my own experiences and observations in perspective.
There is a huge amount of trust, communication and understanding between partners in a D/s dynamic, so much so that it fosters a depth of connection which is unlike any other.
I’ve found that my experiences with a long term partner have been far more rewarding and fulfilling than those that weren’t but also I’ve seen that many casual dynamics have grown into relationships for others as well.
My question is; is there a degree of inevitability that a strong D/s connection will lead to feelings for each other? Are dynamics better if there are feelings involved? "
No it isn’t inevitable.
I prefer for the only feelings involved to be those of caring for a pet. I take very good care of my pets. I scold them sometimes. I love them, but I don’t fall in love with them. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Following on from the ‘fake’ Dom thread and a chat with a friend, I’ve been putting my own experiences and observations in perspective.
There is a huge amount of trust, communication and understanding between partners in a D/s dynamic, so much so that it fosters a depth of connection which is unlike any other.
I’ve found that my experiences with a long term partner have been far more rewarding and fulfilling than those that weren’t but also I’ve seen that many casual dynamics have grown into relationships for others as well.
My question is; is there a degree of inevitability that a strong D/s connection will lead to feelings for each other? Are dynamics better if there are feelings involved?
No it isn’t inevitable.
I prefer for the only feelings involved to be those of caring for a pet. I take very good care of my pets. I scold them sometimes. I love them, but I don’t fall in love with them."
How do you maintain that distance? You say pets, as in plural, does having more than one help to maintain the distance? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think maybe if the OP had been worded more along the lines of...
Is it more likely to develop feelings in a D/s setting given the nature of it over other mutual relationships, people may have been less inclined to question the post.
As another poster stated its possible to love a person and not be in love with them. So you can still have feelings and a deep connection but not necessarily be in love and maintain a good relationship with them.
As for falling for them I think it's no different to any other setting. A married man for example can be completely in love with his wife but still have a deep meaning relationship with a sub. (and any other gender variation or relationship status of that) |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"I think most of the words of your OP can be applied to any kind of mutually fulfilling intimate relationship
Maybe, I’m talking specifically about D/s dynamics though
I don't know why you think that would be different to any other relationship dynamic in terms of connection
Because D/s dynamics aren’t always within couples.
I’m taking it that you don’t understand the question?
I understand it fine
I don't understand why the language used tries to set it apart/above any other kind of relationship dynamic "
Have to agree with you - I don't think having a D/s dynamic necessarily sets it apart (I'll leave "above" aside as that appears to have been pounced on) from any other relationship and as such you can't differentiate specifically based on it being D/s.
As with any other relationship different people will have different levels of "connection" - even in a D/s dynamic - for some they'll come together occasionally and it will be a casual thing, albeit one with a structure of sorts and agreed boundaries and limits - for others it will be more deep and meaningful.
As an example, for some it will be no different than a swinging meet (which may also have boundaries and limits agreed) where you turn up, have sex and go home - others will have swinging meets where more of a connection is involved and you might spend an extended period of time together not all of it sexual.
Yes trust, respect and other aspects are involved but so are they in any other kind of relationship to a greater or lesser degree.
As another example there are plenty of men and women who pay professional dominants for their services - where they turn up, pay their money, receive the service (within pre-agreed limits etc) and go home without there being a connection there.
So I don't think there is *necessarily* a "depth of connection which is unlike any other." needed or an inevitability that feelings would develop any more than there is with any other relationship, whether it be swinging, vanilla or any kind really - but it *is* possible.
Does it make the dynamic "better" and more fulfilling when it's there? Again an entirely individual thing - for some it will, for others it won't.
Personally regardless of the reason for the relationship (swinging, D/s or otherwise) I need a level of connection of sorts, doesn't necessarily have to be hearts and flowers, but it goes beyond just turning up, scratching an itch and leaving.
I'd also add that having recognised my submissive side for 25 odd years now, one of the reasons I've barely scratched the surface exploring it is because I need to "feel" submissive to someone to give my submission to them - and that in part comes down to the need for a connection but again it doesn't have to be a deep and meaningful one. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I think most of the words of your OP can be applied to any kind of mutually fulfilling intimate relationship
Maybe, I’m talking specifically about D/s dynamics though
I don't know why you think that would be different to any other relationship dynamic in terms of connection
Because D/s dynamics aren’t always within couples.
I’m taking it that you don’t understand the question?
I understand it fine
I don't understand why the language used tries to set it apart/above any other kind of relationship dynamic
Have to agree with you - I don't think having a D/s dynamic necessarily sets it apart (I'll leave "above" aside as that appears to have been pounced on) from any other relationship and as such you can't differentiate specifically based on it being D/s.
As with any other relationship different people will have different levels of "connection" - even in a D/s dynamic - for some they'll come together occasionally and it will be a casual thing, albeit one with a structure of sorts and agreed boundaries and limits - for others it will be more deep and meaningful.
As an example, for some it will be no different than a swinging meet (which may also have boundaries and limits agreed) where you turn up, have sex and go home - others will have swinging meets where more of a connection is involved and you might spend an extended period of time together not all of it sexual.
Yes trust, respect and other aspects are involved but so are they in any other kind of relationship to a greater or lesser degree.
As another example there are plenty of men and women who pay professional dominants for their services - where they turn up, pay their money, receive the service (within pre-agreed limits etc) and go home without there being a connection there.
So I don't think there is *necessarily* a "depth of connection which is unlike any other." needed or an inevitability that feelings would develop any more than there is with any other relationship, whether it be swinging, vanilla or any kind really - but it *is* possible.
Does it make the dynamic "better" and more fulfilling when it's there? Again an entirely individual thing - for some it will, for others it won't.
Personally regardless of the reason for the relationship (swinging, D/s or otherwise) I need a level of connection of sorts, doesn't necessarily have to be hearts and flowers, but it goes beyond just turning up, scratching an itch and leaving.
I'd also add that having recognised my submissive side for 25 odd years now, one of the reasons I've barely scratched the surface exploring it is because I need to "feel" submissive to someone to give my submission to them - and that in part comes down to the need for a connection but again it doesn't have to be a deep and meaningful one."
Clearly I phrased my OP wrongly.
People are reading value judgement into what I’ve written but there we go. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"It’s a very good question. I definitely agree re the depth of relationship and trust needed, I’ve had 3 significant D/s relationships , 2 from here one real life, and they all had that in common but none developed those feelings. It was all about the dynamic , that’s a very different adventure to love. Hard to explain but better and deeper but less needy and destructive
Is love needy and destructive?
That’s an interesting perspective "
It causes a lot of pain doesn’t it. D/s relationships usually involve a lot of development of both people, they become stronger, more self aware , they grow individually, the relationship often reaches a natural end.
Also a D/s relationship often isn’t exclusive or monogamous, there’s not the expectation to be someone’s everything forever. I find this much more realistic, nothing lasts forever , everything has a start and an end |
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I think for a D/s dynamic to work as it should there has to be a closeness beyond any other type of relationship.
I have a Dom we don't live together but speak every day.
He understands me better thanany other relationship I've ever had. He know what makes me tick and knows what I'm thinking and feeling in any scene we play out.
I trust him in a way I'd never trust anyone else.
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So my own experience, we started off in a non sexual D/s relationship. We weren't together but really good mates. I didn't want or was searching for a relationship.
But overtime deep feelings developed and we started a romantic relationship, and now we live together.
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
Clearly I phrased my OP wrongly.
People are reading value judgement into what I’ve written but there we go. "
No value judgement read here and not sure what in my response suggested I had? Unless you're suggesting my disagreeing with you, and providing reasoning for my disagreement is implying it?
I was simply confirming I agreed with what WellInever had said about there being nothing to differentiate a D/s relationship from any others in general terms, and responding to the points made in your OP which to take a look at them:
"There is a huge amount of trust, communication and understanding between partners in a D/s dynamic, so much so that it fosters a depth of connection which is unlike any other."
Whilst I don't disagree there is a huge amount of trust, communication, understanding and more in a D/s dynamic - those form part of *any* relationship and vary from relationship to relationship (regardless of its basis), so I'm not sure how the depth of connection can be "unlike any other"?
"My question is; is there a degree of inevitability that a strong D/s connection will lead to feelings for each other? Are dynamics better if there are feelings involved?"
Again, as I said in my post I don't think there's any more inevitability to it than with any other relationship - it *can* happen of course but it's not inevitable - likewise about the dynamic being "better" if feelings are involved - for some it will be, for others not necessarily.
Some submissives crave the control and the release from responsibility that being dominated can bring but don't need an emotional connection to have those cravings catered to - it's more about the sensation and the headspace it puts them in than the person doing it.
There we indeed go  |
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
"Clearly I phrased my OP wrongly.
People are reading value judgement into what I’ve written but there we go. "
I thought it was very relatable and valid. The question asked is something I have been thinking about a lot, too, recently. |
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