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You are the one to blame...
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent? "
Yes.
Oops I slipped and fucked your arse....
No, you fucking didnt!!  |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
I hear the argument about anal sex and most certainly about domestic abuse - 100%.
Are there other situations where things are maybe more one-sided but not entirely clear-cut even if one person believes they are? |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
There are plenty - the key though to most of them (apart from the obvious ones such as abuse or cheating) is communication and being able to talk things through on both parts - there are times where one party may have unknowingly done something wrong and been to blame for their actions, but unless they are made aware of what they have done, then they don't have the chance to put things right. |
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"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent?
Yes.
Oops I slipped and fucked your arse....
No, you fucking didnt!! "
 |
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"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent?
Yes.
Oops I slipped and fucked your arse....
No, you fucking didnt!! "
Whoops. Accident I promise! |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
So I am thinking this: Nobody starts a relationship thinking it will be for a limited time, I guess. People are full of hope, perhaps illusions about how it will be like doing stuff together, maybe having kids and even growing old together.
Reality paints a different picture.... so where does it go wrong and who is to be blame for committing the first offense? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes. And if I'm in the wrong I will hold my hands up x
No darling, it was totally my fault x
You know even I'm not perfect x"
Neither of us are, but together is a totally different experience x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent?
Yes.
Oops I slipped and fucked your arse....
No, you fucking didnt!! "
Your soooo soooo bad  |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent? "
Yes I'm living proof one of my relationship was so toxic that the moment she opened her mouth everyone else believed her enough was enough I left but it's her who makes contact unexpectedly and I just keep the info for a valuable reason.
The pen is mightier than the sword |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So I am thinking this: Nobody starts a relationship thinking it will be for a limited time, I guess. People are full of hope, perhaps illusions about how it will be like doing stuff together, maybe having kids and even growing old together.
Reality paints a different picture.... so where does it go wrong and who is to be blame for committing the first offense? "
Every relationship and their problems are individual to those in any particular relationship.
Not everyone goes into a relationship full of hopes for both sides, some people are far more self absorbed and see only what suits them.
There are also people that don't show their true side at the beginning, the mask slips slowly but surely |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent?
Yes I'm living proof one of my relationship was so toxic that the moment she opened her mouth everyone else believed her enough was enough I left but it's her who makes contact unexpectedly and I just keep the info for a valuable reason.
The pen is mightier than the sword"
I do not know your circumstances, of course, but I am curious how long it took from first getting together until you saw this side of her? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"So I am thinking this: Nobody starts a relationship thinking it will be for a limited time, I guess. People are full of hope, perhaps illusions about how it will be like doing stuff together, maybe having kids and even growing old together.
Reality paints a different picture.... so where does it go wrong and who is to be blame for committing the first offense?
Every relationship and their problems are individual to those in any particular relationship.
Not everyone goes into a relationship full of hopes for both sides, some people are far more self absorbed and see only what suits them.
There are also people that don't show their true side at the beginning, the mask slips slowly but surely"
So in the case of one person playing a role, revealing their true self after the event kind of thing. Yes, I understand that to be perhaps a more one-sided blame situation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent? "
Yeah, when I (husband) was much younger, I've been at fault for causing a relationship to end. The majority of the time, it just ends naturally and I've also been the innocent party in a couple of break ups. All roads lead to Rome, and Rome in this case for me is my wife.
Plus you learn stuff about yourself during a difficult break up |
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"So I am thinking this: Nobody starts a relationship thinking it will be for a limited time, I guess. People are full of hope, perhaps illusions about how it will be like doing stuff together, maybe having kids and even growing old together.
Reality paints a different picture.... so where does it go wrong and who is to be blame for committing the first offense? "
To be honest, I never plan ahead with a relationship. I take each day as it comes with no expectations. It could be either party who commits the first offence to be fair. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't buy the simplistic idea of blame when it comes to relationships, ever. There's always two sides, with differing agendas maybe.
If I have one redeeming feature it's that I have never done blame. It's a concept I despise. Anything I'm in, I am complicit in it and I bear my full share of responsibility for the goods and if it goes wrong, the bads. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent?
Yeah, when I (husband) was much younger, I've been at fault for causing a relationship to end. The majority of the time, it just ends naturally and I've also been the innocent party in a couple of break ups. All roads lead to Rome, and Rome in this case for me is my wife.
Plus you learn stuff about yourself during a difficult break up"
Interesting! I am not sure I would agree that somebody can break up a relationship unless there are some areas in that relationship not as strong as they might appear. Speaking from my own experience here for a moment.
Completely agree with you about how much you can learn from a break up and that has to be one of the positives! |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"So I am thinking this: Nobody starts a relationship thinking it will be for a limited time, I guess. People are full of hope, perhaps illusions about how it will be like doing stuff together, maybe having kids and even growing old together.
Reality paints a different picture.... so where does it go wrong and who is to be blame for committing the first offense?
To be honest, I never plan ahead with a relationship. I take each day as it comes with no expectations. It could be either party who commits the first offence to be fair."
I do not plan anymore either - life is easier that way, isn't it? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I don't buy the simplistic idea of blame when it comes to relationships, ever. There's always two sides, with differing agendas maybe.
If I have one redeeming feature it's that I have never done blame. It's a concept I despise. Anything I'm in, I am complicit in it and I bear my full share of responsibility for the goods and if it goes wrong, the bads. "
If everybody had this responsible attitude, the courts would be empty  |
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"So I am thinking this: Nobody starts a relationship thinking it will be for a limited time, I guess. People are full of hope, perhaps illusions about how it will be like doing stuff together, maybe having kids and even growing old together.
Reality paints a different picture.... so where does it go wrong and who is to be blame for committing the first offense? "
Does it really matter who commited the first offence? If they both have a share in the blame and the relationship has run its course does it really matter who has also the bigger share in the blame? After sometime and after plenty of bickering such questions do not really matter and you realize that it was not meant ti be. |
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"So I am thinking this: Nobody starts a relationship thinking it will be for a limited time, I guess. People are full of hope, perhaps illusions about how it will be like doing stuff together, maybe having kids and even growing old together.
Reality paints a different picture.... so where does it go wrong and who is to be blame for committing the first offense?
To be honest, I never plan ahead with a relationship. I take each day as it comes with no expectations. It could be either party who commits the first offence to be fair.I do not plan anymore either - life is easier that way, isn't it?"
So much easier. It would take someone very special and unique to ever get me into another relationship x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent? "
That’s hardly the case, I think objectively speaking, in my own experience at least, the blame was from both sides. Maybe not a 50/50 situation but more like a 70/30 or whatever.
Then again I’m a person who self analyses myself a lot so I know when to admit my faults and sometimes I over do that. Some would never admit that
I say, for every action there’s a reaction. Even doing nothing (like not doing enough or at all) is an action in itself and creates a reaction… so … |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"So I am thinking this: Nobody starts a relationship thinking it will be for a limited time, I guess. People are full of hope, perhaps illusions about how it will be like doing stuff together, maybe having kids and even growing old together.
Reality paints a different picture.... so where does it go wrong and who is to be blame for committing the first offense?
Does it really matter who commited the first offence? If they both have a share in the blame and the relationship has run its course does it really matter who has also the bigger share in the blame? After sometime and after plenty of bickering such questions do not really matter and you realize that it was not meant ti be."
It does not to some but other people struggle to come to terms with the end of their relationship and then they are looking for reasons.... and blame.
There is that saying "some people come into your life for a reason, and some come into your life for a season" which pretty much reflects what you said. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent?
That’s hardly the case, I think objectively speaking, in my own experience at least, the blame was from both sides. Maybe not a 50/50 situation but more like a 70/30 or whatever.
Then again I’m a person who self analyses myself a lot so I know when to admit my faults and sometimes I over do that. Some would never admit that
I say, for every action there’s a reaction. Even doing nothing (like not doing enough or at all) is an action in itself and creates a reaction… so … "
I like that "for every action there’s a reaction" - it suggests that joint responsibility! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is often a grey line where both sides have let each other down on occasion..
Each experience is different and life is never clear cut but in the heat of emotions it’s easy to apportion blame entirely to one side…
It’s never that simple.. |
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"Totally… how about a secret sordid life that lands someone on the wrong side of the law…
Yes, agree - in my books that would be a one-sided blame situation"
100% in all other instances of my own experience it’s a two sided fault that leads to a breakup but this absolutely not. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"There is often a grey line where both sides have let each other down on occasion..
Each experience is different and life is never clear cut but in the heat of emotions it’s easy to apportion blame entirely to one side…
It’s never that simple.."
It really isnt... that simple I agree.
Blame does not actually really get us anywhere, does it? Other than a temporary moment of relief? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Totally… how about a secret sordid life that lands someone on the wrong side of the law…
Yes, agree - in my books that would be a one-sided blame situation
100% in all other instances of my own experience it’s a two sided fault that leads to a breakup but this absolutely not."
Absolutely agree again! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If everybody had this responsible attitude, the courts would be empty "
Hence why we got a no solicitors, no anger, no blame, no cost divorce and can still be in the same room with our kids when the situation calls for it. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"If everybody had this responsible attitude, the courts would be empty
Hence why we got a no solicitors, no anger, no blame, no cost divorce and can still be in the same room with our kids when the situation calls for it. "
This^^^ |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent?
Yes I'm living proof one of my relationship was so toxic that the moment she opened her mouth everyone else believed her enough was enough I left but it's her who makes contact unexpectedly and I just keep the info for a valuable reason.
The pen is mightier than the sword
I do not know your circumstances, of course, but I am curious how long it took from first getting together until you saw this side of her?"
Some times you think even though they do it they must also realize the impact of their actions but they continue doing this it could be they have no control nor even think as far as the impact of their actions for some medical reasons but still can't be without the person but unable to discuss their actions as your still made to believe it was you too blame and not even taking half of the blame themselves it becomes a be like controlling, abuse, because genuinely they aren't the innocent party and I believe some people don't realise they have a problem which gets left I can say that too from experience but they need help to understand what they do and how their actions have an impact I stuck around on and off 4 years as I didn't want to add to her symptoms whatever it was and tried to help but difficult to help if the person isn't taking the help offered seriously. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There is often a grey line where both sides have let each other down on occasion..
Each experience is different and life is never clear cut but in the heat of emotions it’s easy to apportion blame entirely to one side…
It’s never that simple..It really isnt... that simple I agree.
Blame does not actually really get us anywhere, does it? Other than a temporary moment of relief?"
It’s easy to blame in the moment but in actual fact there is usually more to it.
I’m not excusing inexcusable behaviour which does happen where one side is devoted & blindsided…. But even in those circumstances there are tells..
Matt Hancock being a recent example! |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent?
Yes I'm living proof one of my relationship was so toxic that the moment she opened her mouth everyone else believed her enough was enough I left but it's her who makes contact unexpectedly and I just keep the info for a valuable reason.
The pen is mightier than the sword
I do not know your circumstances, of course, but I am curious how long it took from first getting together until you saw this side of her?
Some times you think even though they do it they must also realize the impact of their actions but they continue doing this it could be they have no control nor even think as far as the impact of their actions for some medical reasons but still can't be without the person but unable to discuss their actions as your still made to believe it was you too blame and not even taking half of the blame themselves it becomes a be like controlling, abuse, because genuinely they aren't the innocent party and I believe some people don't realise they have a problem which gets left I can say that too from experience but they need help to understand what they do and how their actions have an impact I stuck around on and off 4 years as I didn't want to add to her symptoms whatever it was and tried to help but difficult to help if the person isn't taking the help offered seriously."
That does sound like perhaps a mental health issue? And the person closest to that person not seeing their actions for what they are, is perhaps (paradoxically) not the person who can help. Does that make sense? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I'm going through a divorce and its always both persons fault. One person likes to blame other. Always need a scapegoat "
Scapegoat does not help in the long term, though, does it?
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Totally… how about a secret sordid life that lands someone on the wrong side of the law…
Yes, agree - in my books that would be a one-sided blame situation
100% in all other instances of my own experience it’s a two sided fault that leads to a breakup but this absolutely not."
Agreed that’s the only situation where obviously u can blame it entirely on somebody if they do illegal shit that ends up the partner to get into trouble legally as well..
But if we talk like relationship wise, I think there’s always a degree of blame on both sides. Some obviously have done more “wrong” but we all have part to blame. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"There is often a grey line where both sides have let each other down on occasion..
Each experience is different and life is never clear cut but in the heat of emotions it’s easy to apportion blame entirely to one side…
It’s never that simple..It really isnt... that simple I agree.
Blame does not actually really get us anywhere, does it? Other than a temporary moment of relief?
It’s easy to blame in the moment but in actual fact there is usually more to it.
I’m not excusing inexcusable behaviour which does happen where one side is devoted & blindsided…. But even in those circumstances there are tells..
Matt Hancock being a recent example! "
|
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"If everybody had this responsible attitude, the courts would be empty
Hence why we got a no solicitors, no anger, no blame, no cost divorce and can still be in the same room with our kids when the situation calls for it. "
Snap  my ex husband and I are actually good friends. We may not be together but we still love each other as humans because neither behaved badly. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"If everybody had this responsible attitude, the courts would be empty
Hence why we got a no solicitors, no anger, no blame, no cost divorce and can still be in the same room with our kids when the situation calls for it.
Snap my ex husband and I are actually good friends. We may not be together but we still love each other as humans because neither behaved badly. "
Same here! Did not happen overnight but within a year or so |
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"If everybody had this responsible attitude, the courts would be empty
Hence why we got a no solicitors, no anger, no blame, no cost divorce and can still be in the same room with our kids when the situation calls for it.
Snap my ex husband and I are actually good friends. We may not be together but we still love each other as humans because neither behaved badly.
Same here! Did not happen overnight but within a year or so "
Yes takes time because one person is always more hurt but it’s possible |
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"So I am thinking this: Nobody starts a relationship thinking it will be for a limited time, I guess. People are full of hope, perhaps illusions about how it will be like doing stuff together, maybe having kids and even growing old together.
Reality paints a different picture.... so where does it go wrong and who is to be blame for committing the first offense?
Does it really matter who commited the first offence? If they both have a share in the blame and the relationship has run its course does it really matter who has also the bigger share in the blame? After sometime and after plenty of bickering such questions do not really matter and you realize that it was not meant ti be.It does not to some but other people struggle to come to terms with the end of their relationship and then they are looking for reasons.... and blame.
There is that saying "some people come into your life for a reason, and some come into your life for a season" which pretty much reflects what you said. "
Towards the bottom of this page, there is a curve. This made me understand the difficult stages I went through (and where I was) and the ambivalence I felt. Maybe this applies in your case too. Keep strong and good luck.
https://planner.relate.org.uk/getting-organised/looking-after-yourself-and-others/surviving-emotional-roller-coaster |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"So I am thinking this: Nobody starts a relationship thinking it will be for a limited time, I guess. People are full of hope, perhaps illusions about how it will be like doing stuff together, maybe having kids and even growing old together.
Reality paints a different picture.... so where does it go wrong and who is to be blame for committing the first offense?
Does it really matter who commited the first offence? If they both have a share in the blame and the relationship has run its course does it really matter who has also the bigger share in the blame? After sometime and after plenty of bickering such questions do not really matter and you realize that it was not meant ti be.It does not to some but other people struggle to come to terms with the end of their relationship and then they are looking for reasons.... and blame.
There is that saying "some people come into your life for a reason, and some come into your life for a season" which pretty much reflects what you said.
Towards the bottom of this page, there is a curve. This made me understand the difficult stages I went through (and where I was) and the ambivalence I felt. Maybe this applies in your case too. Keep strong and good luck.
https://planner.relate.org.uk/getting-organised/looking-after-yourself-and-others/surviving-emotional-roller-coaster"
Thank you for sharing - this is really great. Some people know it as a the cycle of loss after a bereavement. |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
"Is there ever a situation (I am talking relationships) where this statement ims true?
Can there ever be a case where one party is to blame and the other is completely innocent?
Yes I'm living proof one of my relationship was so toxic that the moment she opened her mouth everyone else believed her enough was enough I left but it's her who makes contact unexpectedly and I just keep the info for a valuable reason.
The pen is mightier than the sword
I do not know your circumstances, of course, but I am curious how long it took from first getting together until you saw this side of her?
Some times you think even though they do it they must also realize the impact of their actions but they continue doing this it could be they have no control nor even think as far as the impact of their actions for some medical reasons but still can't be without the person but unable to discuss their actions as your still made to believe it was you too blame and not even taking half of the blame themselves it becomes a be like controlling, abuse, because genuinely they aren't the innocent party and I believe some people don't realise they have a problem which gets left I can say that too from experience but they need help to understand what they do and how their actions have an impact I stuck around on and off 4 years as I didn't want to add to her symptoms whatever it was and tried to help but difficult to help if the person isn't taking the help offered seriously.
That does sound like perhaps a mental health issue? And the person closest to that person not seeing their actions for what they are, is perhaps (paradoxically) not the person who can help. Does that make sense?"
I some what agree with you and it's difficult at times to understand how a person has turned like this but can be very loving at the same time just unexpectedly act without thinking and an alcoholic so when I balanced out from the person I first met then gradually seeing this change then getting worse trying to help her she would say I was trying to control her but later saw reason to accept the help I'm just glad I never took it past engagement |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We may not be together but we still love each other as humans because neither behaved badly. "
This is how I deeply wish all divorces would happen. You didn't hate each other. You maybe fell out of love and wanted a different path in life but whatever that was, you recognised that you once were good for each other and don't trash that memory with animosity. |
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"We may not be together but we still love each other as humans because neither behaved badly.
This is how I deeply wish all divorces would happen. You didn't hate each other. You maybe fell out of love and wanted a different path in life but whatever that was, you recognised that you once were good for each other and don't trash that memory with animosity. "
Me too. But sadly people hurt each other then battle to the point of no return. It’s really sad. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"We may not be together but we still love each other as humans because neither behaved badly.
This is how I deeply wish all divorces would happen. You didn't hate each other. You maybe fell out of love and wanted a different path in life but whatever that was, you recognised that you once were good for each other and don't trash that memory with animosity.
Me too. But sadly people hurt each other then battle to the point of no return. It’s really sad. "
And... being angry and blaming is easier than admitting that we are hurt. In our society being angry is still a very much more "respectable" acceptable response than hurt... |
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"We may not be together but we still love each other as humans because neither behaved badly.
This is how I deeply wish all divorces would happen. You didn't hate each other. You maybe fell out of love and wanted a different path in life but whatever that was, you recognised that you once were good for each other and don't trash that memory with animosity.
Me too. But sadly people hurt each other then battle to the point of no return. It’s really sad.
And... being angry and blaming is easier than admitting that we are hurt. In our society being angry is still a very much more "respectable" acceptable response than hurt... "
Very much so.. all these ‘sides’ I don’t get it. Makes me really sad. There’s only 1 ex I couldn’t speak to on friendly terms tomorrow. It’s so much nicer to walk away from things respectfully |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
I think lockdown may have highlighted underlying tensions that were not talked about before as life was too busy or people were trying to avoid the issue.
In lockdown when people were forced to spend more time together it was more difficult to avoid.
Happens at times like Christmas, too - should in theory be the happy time of the year and so often ends up the most stressful with domestic violence and post Christmas break ups escalating in January. |
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