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Coincidence?
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Reclaim sex. I think we're all pretty familiar with the term, what it's about etc.
Now, I've just learned about something quite common when someone gets cheated on. On the surface, to look at it it has all the same hallmarks as reclaim sex, intense, passionate, almost primal urgent sex...except it's not called reclaim sex. It's term is hysterical bonding.
There's a high that comes from being "chosen" when they come back to you, a subconscious drive to prove you're a better fuck than the person they did the deed with, that you're bonded more deeply than anyone else.
Are they one of the same on a deeper level I wonder?
That's my morning ponder anyway. |
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"This is just a ponder I'm assuming Peach yes ?? x"
I dunno.
As I was reading about it in the support group I'm in, hysterical bonding made more sense to me than reclaim sex as far as my own mind and my ex. Felt a more comfortable term to me in an uncomfortable way, and made me think about the motivation behind my actions. |
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Cant understand how someone thats been cheated on would want that person back.
I know of someone thats being cheated on and she would still have him back even after he has been with that other woman.
How can you accept someone thats slept with someone else and has loved someone more than you?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Cheating is dishonest, it’s the breaking of an unwritten bond in relationships (not the same as a open relationship or having permission to stray by the other person) and for which I would not be able to forgive someone.
My values are important to me, amongst them are truth, honesty, trust, integrity. I live by those values and expect people who want to be in my life to respect them, as I would respect theirs if I wanted to be in their life.
No person who violates them is ever given a second chance.
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"Reclaim sex. I think we're all pretty familiar with the term, what it's about etc.
Now, I've just learned about something quite common when someone gets cheated on. On the surface, to look at it it has all the same hallmarks as reclaim sex, intense, passionate, almost primal urgent sex...except it's not called reclaim sex. It's term is hysterical bonding.
There's a high that comes from being "chosen" when they come back to you, a subconscious drive to prove you're a better fuck than the person they did the deed with, that you're bonded more deeply than anyone else.
Are they one of the same on a deeper level I wonder?
That's my morning ponder anyway. "
I'd say they're one and the same, I wouldn't even say one's deeper than the other but the feelings with one might b sadder. Instead of intense not there might be deep sadness ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Cant understand how someone thats been cheated on would want that person back.
I know of someone thats being cheated on and she would still have him back even after he has been with that other woman.
How can you accept someone thats slept with someone else and has loved someone more than you?
"
It's explained in the OP. A type of reclaim sex. The essence of Swinging.
Makes sense to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is just a ponder I'm assuming Peach yes ?? x
I dunno.
As I was reading about it in the support group I'm in, hysterical bonding made more sense to me than reclaim sex as far as my own mind and my ex. Felt a more comfortable term to me in an uncomfortable way, and made me think about the motivation behind my actions."
Hope this helps you to feel more positive.  |
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I think the difference here though is prior knowledge and consent. A couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people then enjoy having sex together to 'reclaim' each other.
In the cheating that isn't there and so the motives behind the hysterical bonding are potentially manipulative. |
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"This is just a ponder I'm assuming Peach yes ?? x
I dunno.
As I was reading about it in the support group I'm in, hysterical bonding made more sense to me than reclaim sex as far as my own mind and my ex. Felt a more comfortable term to me in an uncomfortable way, and made me think about the motivation behind my actions."
OK was just wondering what you meant by it . All good x |
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"I think the difference here though is prior knowledge and consent. A couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people then enjoy having sex together to 'reclaim' each other.
In the cheating that isn't there and so the motives behind the hysterical bonding are potentially manipulative. "
I agree.
Not the same as swinging where both parties agree to it and its a turn on and its mainly both parties that choose the 3rd person involved.
How can having sex with a person thats lied and cheated feel the same as that?
We know of someone that lied to his wife and kids to fuck the other woman and still his wife would have him back.
Knowing your husband has cheated on you and the kids to go with someone better and you and the kids mean nothing is pretty awful and sad.
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"I think the difference here though is prior knowledge and consent. A couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people then enjoy having sex together to 'reclaim' each other.
In the cheating that isn't there and so the motives behind the hysterical bonding are potentially manipulative. "
This is what I'm trying to work out in my own mind. I got increasingly uncomfortable with him seeing other people, it wasn't something I enjoyed at all. In fact it would knock me sick to my stomach and leave me feeling worthless. At the start I thought it was something I would learn to get used to and with his words of encouragement for me to get used to it, to work through those feelings, although the key element as to why I was left feeling that way still remained. I'm trying to understand the why behind it. Was I blinded by the term reclaim sex because it's what I thought was happening or was I actually more of a mess than I realised? In my heart it felt like he was cheating yet I had the knowledge so it technically wasn't. Was I blinded by the "you never know unless you try" and psuh your boundaries and limits side of things?
I dunno if I'm making sense. |
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"They are very different , the hysterical bonding is temporary and you grow to despise them"
Do you think it's possible in the early swinging days of a relationship, the "learning" that you believe at the time you're enjoying reclaim sex, because the relationship was still pretty new when in fact, you were experiencing hysterical bonding? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don’t know if they’d be the same.
Being cheated on lacks the trust and emotional reclamation perhaps. Is the post coital ‘hysteria’ as intense and passionate?
‘Reclaim’ sex from swinging, although I haven’t experienced it, i imagine would be more emotionally bonding and intense, fully trusting and giving. Surely, that’s less ‘hysteria’ and more ‘reclaim’, I presume. |
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"Cant understand how someone thats been cheated on would want that person back.
I know of someone thats being cheated on and she would still have him back even after he has been with that other woman.
How can you accept someone thats slept with someone else and has loved someone more than you?
"
This for me too,
If I was cheated on, they'd be gone for good
Miss |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
When you hear or see the terms used is reclaim sex more male led while hysterical bonding is more female led?
I haven’t heard reclaim sex used with hothusbands more hotwives, and haven’t heard of hysterical bonding used before. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the difference here though is prior knowledge and consent. A couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people then enjoy having sex together to 'reclaim' each other.
In the cheating that isn't there and so the motives behind the hysterical bonding are potentially manipulative.
This is what I'm trying to work out in my own mind. I got increasingly uncomfortable with him seeing other people, it wasn't something I enjoyed at all. In fact it would knock me sick to my stomach and leave me feeling worthless. At the start I thought it was something I would learn to get used to and with his words of encouragement for me to get used to it, to work through those feelings, although the key element as to why I was left feeling that way still remained. I'm trying to understand the why behind it. Was I blinded by the term reclaim sex because it's what I thought was happening or was I actually more of a mess than I realised? In my heart it felt like he was cheating yet I had the knowledge so it technically wasn't. Was I blinded by the "you never know unless you try" and psuh your boundaries and limits side of things?
I dunno if I'm making sense."
It boils down to the person you are. We are all different, probably id also never get used to knowing (even if we were open about it) that my partner that I love and am attracted to shags about even with my consent.
But that’s due to my nature and I tend to be more of a jealous person so it’d also turn my stomach thinking about him shagging about even if I said yes. And I accept it I don’t think I’ll ever change about me.
The only time I’d be okay with that if I lost interest in the person … so yeah can do whatever as it doesnt affect me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Also some people are sharers and they are happy to share and have no problem with that or might even be a kink they get off to. Even the slightly jealousy part might be a rush of adrenaline |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the difference here though is prior knowledge and consent. A couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people then enjoy having sex together to 'reclaim' each other.
In the cheating that isn't there and so the motives behind the hysterical bonding are potentially manipulative.
This is what I'm trying to work out in my own mind. I got increasingly uncomfortable with him seeing other people, it wasn't something I enjoyed at all. In fact it would knock me sick to my stomach and leave me feeling worthless. At the start I thought it was something I would learn to get used to and with his words of encouragement for me to get used to it, to work through those feelings, although the key element as to why I was left feeling that way still remained. I'm trying to understand the why behind it. Was I blinded by the term reclaim sex because it's what I thought was happening or was I actually more of a mess than I realised? In my heart it felt like he was cheating yet I had the knowledge so it technically wasn't. Was I blinded by the "you never know unless you try" and psuh your boundaries and limits side of things?
I dunno if I'm making sense."
Hopefully you'll set clearer boundaries in future. If you're not comfortable with even the idea of something, don't do it |
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The way I see it is in a Hotwife/husband scenario the reclaim is when she comes back to you after she has been with her fb/one off meet etc, everyone knows their part to play in these scenarios and it’s all with consent.
Hysterical sex is someone who is desperately trying to “be the best” because the other person has come back to you or you are trying to convince yourself that they will want you and pick you over anyone else. They are basically clinging on to the hope he will see you aren’t comfortable with this and not want to pursue other people any more.
I’m not sure if this makes sense but I know what I mean in my head   |
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"Reclaiming an ex?
That’s like smelling go off milk from the fridge and thinking “hmm… maybe later” "
Not reclaiming an ex no, its a term for the sex you have with your own partner after they've had sex with someone else within a swinging relationship. |
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"I think the difference here though is prior knowledge and consent. A couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people then enjoy having sex together to 'reclaim' each other.
In the cheating that isn't there and so the motives behind the hysterical bonding are potentially manipulative.
This is what I'm trying to work out in my own mind. I got increasingly uncomfortable with him seeing other people, it wasn't something I enjoyed at all. In fact it would knock me sick to my stomach and leave me feeling worthless. At the start I thought it was something I would learn to get used to and with his words of encouragement for me to get used to it, to work through those feelings, although the key element as to why I was left feeling that way still remained. I'm trying to understand the why behind it. Was I blinded by the term reclaim sex because it's what I thought was happening or was I actually more of a mess than I realised? In my heart it felt like he was cheating yet I had the knowledge so it technically wasn't. Was I blinded by the "you never know unless you try" and psuh your boundaries and limits side of things?
I dunno if I'm making sense."
Ah OK. This gives it more context. Did you tell him how it made you feel? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the difference here though is prior knowledge and consent. A couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people then enjoy having sex together to 'reclaim' each other.
In the cheating that isn't there and so the motives behind the hysterical bonding are potentially manipulative.
This is what I'm trying to work out in my own mind. I got increasingly uncomfortable with him seeing other people, it wasn't something I enjoyed at all. In fact it would knock me sick to my stomach and leave me feeling worthless. At the start I thought it was something I would learn to get used to and with his words of encouragement for me to get used to it, to work through those feelings, although the key element as to why I was left feeling that way still remained. I'm trying to understand the why behind it. Was I blinded by the term reclaim sex because it's what I thought was happening or was I actually more of a mess than I realised? In my heart it felt like he was cheating yet I had the knowledge so it technically wasn't. Was I blinded by the "you never know unless you try" and psuh your boundaries and limits side of things?
I dunno if I'm making sense.
Ah OK. This gives it more context. Did you tell him how it made you feel? "
I think even if peach has given the good to go to the bf, it is only fair to interrupt the whole thing if it made her feel uncomfortable.
The only thing is that once you open Pandora’s box it is difficult to go back to normality..
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"I think the difference here though is prior knowledge and consent. A couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people then enjoy having sex together to 'reclaim' each other.
In the cheating that isn't there and so the motives behind the hysterical bonding are potentially manipulative.
This is what I'm trying to work out in my own mind. I got increasingly uncomfortable with him seeing other people, it wasn't something I enjoyed at all. In fact it would knock me sick to my stomach and leave me feeling worthless. At the start I thought it was something I would learn to get used to and with his words of encouragement for me to get used to it, to work through those feelings, although the key element as to why I was left feeling that way still remained. I'm trying to understand the why behind it. Was I blinded by the term reclaim sex because it's what I thought was happening or was I actually more of a mess than I realised? In my heart it felt like he was cheating yet I had the knowledge so it technically wasn't. Was I blinded by the "you never know unless you try" and psuh your boundaries and limits side of things?
I dunno if I'm making sense.
Ah OK. This gives it more context. Did you tell him how it made you feel?
I think even if peach has given the good to go to the bf, it is only fair to interrupt the whole thing if it made her feel uncomfortable.
The only thing is that once you open Pandora’s box it is difficult to go back to normality..
"
I completely agree. Consent and agreement can be withdrawn at any stage. I was just asking if she let him know. If she did and he still did it then it starts heading into hysterical bonding. |
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"The way I see it is in a Hotwife/husband scenario the reclaim is when she comes back to you after she has been with her fb/one off meet etc, everyone knows their part to play in these scenarios and it’s all with consent.
Hysterical sex is someone who is desperately trying to “be the best” because the other person has come back to you or you are trying to convince yourself that they will want you and pick you over anyone else. They are basically clinging on to the hope he will see you aren’t comfortable with this and not want to pursue other people any more.
I’m not sure if this makes sense but I know what I mean in my head "
Yep. I've realised now that's what I was doing, coz even though I didn't want to come between him and his other conquests as such, I definitely had the thoughts whilst intimate that "I hope I make them look like dog shit in comparison" "I want to be enough"
We all know I ain't gonna have another relationship, that I'm too far gone for any of that malarkey again, I'm wanting to highlight that actually just because you want to be ok with something coz it's what your partner wants, because you try to be ok with something because it's what your partner wants, there is a fine line between what you may think is happening and what is really happening within you, your motivations (even subconscious ones) and things you're prepared to do, no matter how uncomfortable when you're actions are fear based, abandonment based, fuck, even "enough" based.
I didn't realise that my actions were hope clinging acts of desperation .... I mean, it's just sex right? But yes, upon inspection and self checking, it's clear that was the case. |
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Personally, I think if any feelings other than enjoyment, excitement and turn ons are being felt then there’s a problem?
I don’t like the term ‘reclaim sex’. It implies a loss, and a lack of consent to be put in that situation. If you enjoy the thought of your partner having been with someone else, that’s great, but you’re not really reclaiming them (outside of role playing). If you’re genuinely reclaiming them, that doesn’t sound to me like a very healthy place for your head to be in.. |
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"I think the difference here though is prior knowledge and consent. A couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people then enjoy having sex together to 'reclaim' each other.
In the cheating that isn't there and so the motives behind the hysterical bonding are potentially manipulative.
This is what I'm trying to work out in my own mind. I got increasingly uncomfortable with him seeing other people, it wasn't something I enjoyed at all. In fact it would knock me sick to my stomach and leave me feeling worthless. At the start I thought it was something I would learn to get used to and with his words of encouragement for me to get used to it, to work through those feelings, although the key element as to why I was left feeling that way still remained. I'm trying to understand the why behind it. Was I blinded by the term reclaim sex because it's what I thought was happening or was I actually more of a mess than I realised? In my heart it felt like he was cheating yet I had the knowledge so it technically wasn't. Was I blinded by the "you never know unless you try" and psuh your boundaries and limits side of things?
I dunno if I'm making sense.
Ah OK. This gives it more context. Did you tell him how it made you feel? "
Numerous times. It would then be a case of, ok, we'll change tack and try a different approach. Then I'd be applying masses of pressure to myself to be ok with things. |
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When it comes to cheats, I much prefer the term Rejection deflection.
Like fuck if anyone cheated on me would they get a second chance, they're done, deflected from my life and they blew their chance.....its as simple as that.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The way I see it is in a Hotwife/husband scenario the reclaim is when she comes back to you after she has been with her fb/one off meet etc, everyone knows their part to play in these scenarios and it’s all with consent.
Hysterical sex is someone who is desperately trying to “be the best” because the other person has come back to you or you are trying to convince yourself that they will want you and pick you over anyone else. They are basically clinging on to the hope he will see you aren’t comfortable with this and not want to pursue other people any more.
I’m not sure if this makes sense but I know what I mean in my head
Yep. I've realised now that's what I was doing, coz even though I didn't want to come between him and his other conquests as such, I definitely had the thoughts whilst intimate that "I hope I make them look like dog shit in comparison" "I want to be enough"
We all know I ain't gonna have another relationship, that I'm too far gone for any of that malarkey again, I'm wanting to highlight that actually just because you want to be ok with something coz it's what your partner wants, because you try to be ok with something because it's what your partner wants, there is a fine line between what you may think is happening and what is really happening within you, your motivations (even subconscious ones) and things you're prepared to do, no matter how uncomfortable when you're actions are fear based, abandonment based, fuck, even "enough" based.
I didn't realise that my actions were hope clinging acts of desperation .... I mean, it's just sex right? But yes, upon inspection and self checking, it's clear that was the case."
Exactly, never feel like you are wrong , if that’s how he made you feel, that’s how you made you feel, period. and that needs to be accepted and acted upon accordingly!
We need to set boundaries with the partner of course, but most important with ourselves, as it’s not right to overturn our own feelings if it makes us feel like shite.
No need to accept it so you come across like a cool girl. Some people don’t mind it, some do. (I’m on the ..I mind class.. ) |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"They are very different , the hysterical bonding is temporary and you grow to despise them
Do you think it's possible in the early swinging days of a relationship, the "learning" that you believe at the time you're enjoying reclaim sex, because the relationship was still pretty new when in fact, you were experiencing hysterical bonding? "
Yes I think it’s possible. As a couple I slept with some women who I felt were only there for their husbands needs, and the need for reclaim sex was high. Personally I never felt the need for reclaim sex as I’m poly. If my partner went out for a nice fancy meal with a guy I wouldn’t feel the need to make her a better meal , and sex is the same |
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"They are very different , the hysterical bonding is temporary and you grow to despise them
Do you think it's possible in the early swinging days of a relationship, the "learning" that you believe at the time you're enjoying reclaim sex, because the relationship was still pretty new when in fact, you were experiencing hysterical bonding?
Yes I think it’s possible. As a couple I slept with some women who I felt were only there for their husbands needs, and the need for reclaim sex was high. Personally I never felt the need for reclaim sex as I’m poly. If my partner went out for a nice fancy meal with a guy I wouldn’t feel the need to make her a better meal , and sex is the same "
Absolutely. And me, in that situation... damn right I'd be cooking a better meal. It's in my psyche, leftover residual shit from my earliest memories all the way up to what, 6 year ago, constantly having to prove my worth in order to feel loved by those I was bonded to. Again, that's why I ain't gonna have another relationship coz I don't know how to stop it, so would likely end up repeating the cycle.
Platonic love... gimme gimme gimme
More than that... keep yer fucking distance if ya will. |
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You see, my ex didn't cheat in the sense I was unaware, but I was enduring the same feelings as when I found out I was being cheated on and betrayed by my previous ex. How could I be mad at him when I knew? I thought my angsty stuff and the feeling worthless side was due to being cheated on before, however I was battling so hard in my head and heart because I knew about it all. I was hurt because of how these dalliances came about, who they happened with and the fact I was uncomfortable with them yet they still happened. That's where I felt betrayed. So this does make total sense to me.
I copied this bit from the net:
If you've ever had a relationship in which your partner had an affair, you probably have dealt with a slew of emotions that are too complex to fully put into words. There's the self-esteem-shattering moment when you find out. There's the jealousy. There's the despair of everything you worked for being thrown away.
Then, there's one thing that most people don't really want to talk about: hysterical bonding.
Hysterical bonding is the kind of emotion that just doesn't make sense at face value, and it's by no means funny. The reason why it doesn't make sense is because it most commonly manifests as an overwhelming sense of lust and attraction to the guy who just betrayed you.
People who have experienced it often call it an almost "primal" feeling. In some cases, couples say that the best sex they've ever had often comes from hysterical bonding.
What makes hysterical bonding baffling for people who experience it is that they often can't stand the sight of the person who just betrayed them. They even may experience disgust at themselves for feeling horny. And the fact is that most people can't come up with an explanation as to why it happens to certain people. In some cases, hysterical bonding also happens with breakups that don't even involve infidelity. So, what gives?
Believe it or not, there is a theory as to why it happens — and if you think about it, it makes sense.
Many relationship experts say that hysterical bonding may be a primal form of the bargaining stage of grief. Basically, what they say is happening here is that you want to ascertain that you're still desirable to this person on a subconscious level. It's a form of your subconscious self trying to "outdo" the other woman or keep this guy around, even if, on an intellectual level, you know you're done with him.
Other experts say that hysterical bonding can occur if your blood's pumping and your adrenaline's going crazy.
Because of how this level of betrayal can affect you on a hormonal level, hysterical bonding can mimic feelings of falling in love for the first time. As a result, you start wanting to sleep with him and get the same butterflies in your stomach you once had. |
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"I think the difference here though is prior knowledge and consent. A couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people then enjoy having sex together to 'reclaim' each other.
In the cheating that isn't there and so the motives behind the hysterical bonding are potentially manipulative.
This is what I'm trying to work out in my own mind. I got increasingly uncomfortable with him seeing other people, it wasn't something I enjoyed at all. In fact it would knock me sick to my stomach and leave me feeling worthless. At the start I thought it was something I would learn to get used to and with his words of encouragement for me to get used to it, to work through those feelings, although the key element as to why I was left feeling that way still remained. I'm trying to understand the why behind it. Was I blinded by the term reclaim sex because it's what I thought was happening or was I actually more of a mess than I realised? In my heart it felt like he was cheating yet I had the knowledge so it technically wasn't. Was I blinded by the "you never know unless you try" and psuh your boundaries and limits side of things?
I dunno if I'm making sense.
Ah OK. This gives it more context. Did you tell him how it made you feel?
Numerous times. It would then be a case of, ok, we'll change tack and try a different approach. Then I'd be applying masses of pressure to myself to be ok with things."
Then he cheated on you. He knew you didn't enjoy it but coerced you in to doing it even though it made you feel this way. So different from reclaim sex. It was outright manipulative behaviour. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the difference here though is prior knowledge and consent. A couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people then enjoy having sex together to 'reclaim' each other.
In the cheating that isn't there and so the motives behind the hysterical bonding are potentially manipulative.
This is what I'm trying to work out in my own mind. I got increasingly uncomfortable with him seeing other people, it wasn't something I enjoyed at all. In fact it would knock me sick to my stomach and leave me feeling worthless. At the start I thought it was something I would learn to get used to and with his words of encouragement for me to get used to it, to work through those feelings, although the key element as to why I was left feeling that way still remained. I'm trying to understand the why behind it. Was I blinded by the term reclaim sex because it's what I thought was happening or was I actually more of a mess than I realised? In my heart it felt like he was cheating yet I had the knowledge so it technically wasn't. Was I blinded by the "you never know unless you try" and psuh your boundaries and limits side of things?
I dunno if I'm making sense.
Ah OK. This gives it more context. Did you tell him how it made you feel?
Numerous times. It would then be a case of, ok, we'll change tack and try a different approach. Then I'd be applying masses of pressure to myself to be ok with things.
Then he cheated on you. He knew you didn't enjoy it but coerced you in to doing it even though it made you feel this way. So different from reclaim sex. It was outright manipulative behaviour. "
It's not swinging.
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