FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > When you feel that you're the back up
When you feel that you're the back up
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First of all, I'm well aware that this is a swinging site and I've no desire to be exclusive with anyone or require that from them.
I chat with various people, some with the potential for sex, others not. I like to keep those options open and see where the connections go. I think that's fair enough.
But if I'm approached to meet on a set date, I don't expect to be one of many options, or at least feel that way. Is that unreasonable?
If I make plans with someone, I stick to them (excluding a child related problem etc) and I maintain communication, confirming on that morning. I wouldn't be online multiple times, having not replied to that person's message from the previous night.
I think many of us, with experience and tuition, can spot the red flags of a flake/player and whilst we may get it wrong on occasion, our intuition is probably right.
So on this occasion, I may well have cut my nose off to spite my face *and vagina) but I'm not prepared to be on the back-burner until someone deems me worthy.
Precious? Maybe, but this isn't my first rodeo and ain't nobody got time fo dat! |
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Many guys and girls do this because there’s so many flakes and fakes.
I’ve definitely had backups
I’ve definitely been a backup
There’s no harm to it if your ego is in place and you can accept it for what it is
And there’s no harm in not liking it either, but it’s gonna be an uphill battle |
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I have no desire for exclusivity either tbh either way , buy you should never feel like you're third or fourth choice on a given night, that's not nice no .
Intuition on Red Flags are rarely wrong I agree  |
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I am nobodies backup plan. If i make plans then barring something inescapable and unforeseeable i expect them to be kept and if they have to be cancelled then as much warning as possible. I do exactly the same in return. I never do last minute. So no i think you are not being precious at all but are valuing yourself and your time as you should. |
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"Many guys and girls do this because there’s so many flakes and fakes.
I’ve definitely had backups
I’ve definitely been a backup
There’s no harm to it if your ego is in place and you can accept it for what it is
And there’s no harm in not liking it either, but it’s gonna be an uphill battle "
It's not an ego thing but I decency thing. I am happy to be one of many through general discourse but if someone approaches me for a set date and as a single parent I go to the trouble of arranging a babysitter and prepping the family dinner in advance, then I don't expect to be just an option under those circumstances.
Talk to who you like, line people up for another day but not the day younhavw specifically contacted and invited me. |
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"God no I couldn’t be doing with that. And I wouldn’t either. "
I could be wrong, of course, and naturally he is back peddling and making excuses but I'd rather cut my losses now and potentially "miss out" than him be a last minute flake when they babysitter is already here etc. |
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By *JB1954Man
over a year ago
Reading |
If you search on forums. There are a lot of threads about no shows etc. Then person has seen next day there is a veri on profile of person that they had arranged to meet. How to ensure exclusive meet ? |
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"God no I couldn’t be doing with that. And I wouldn’t either.
I could be wrong, of course, and naturally he is back peddling and making excuses but I'd rather cut my losses now and potentially "miss out" than him be a last minute flake when they babysitter is already here etc."
I would |
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"Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and nearly left because of it recently 
"
It's just rude, isn't it. I really don't care about someone's future plans but when approached and invited for a specific date, I don't believe it is unreasonable to expect that you are not one of many for that particular occasion.
I hope things improve for you. |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
"Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and nearly left because of it recently
It's just rude, isn't it. I really don't care about someone's future plans but when approached and invited for a specific date, I don't believe it is unreasonable to expect that you are not one of many for that particular occasion.
I hope things improve for you."
Exactly I don't care if they have plans with other people the following night etc etc, just don't dick me about moving the goalposts then flaking be honest I'm a big girl I can handle it |
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Ultimately though, I always feel like does it matter? If you didn’t know, would you care?
Do we really think we’re anyone’s first choice? I’ve had a few meets from here and I know if Tom Hardy was available on those nights I wouldn’t have had those meets.
I think if it makes you feel bad then don’t do it. But I also think your missing out over something silly that you can’t control anyways. You could be someone’s 10th choice and never know, you could be someone’s 1st choice and feel suspect about them.
Hell, you could be someone’s 1st choice then last minute Beyoncé messages them.
I try to not let things I can control bother me. If I wanna meet someone I’ll meet them, whether I’m their 1st or 100th choice |
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So the jist I get from your op is that you have cancelled the date as he hadn’t responded to one message, even though been online ?
Seems a bit harsh, especially as most people talk to others generally and not just sexually, but you do what feels right for you |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"Ultimately though, I always feel like does it matter? If you didn’t know, would you care?
Do we really think we’re anyone’s first choice? I’ve had a few meets from here and I know if Tom Hardy was available on those nights I wouldn’t have had those meets.
I think if it makes you feel bad then don’t do it. But I also think your missing out over something silly that you can’t control anyways. You could be someone’s 10th choice and never know, you could be someone’s 1st choice and feel suspect about them.
Hell, you could be someone’s 1st choice then last minute Beyoncé messages them.
I try to not let things I can control bother me. If I wanna meet someone I’ll meet them, whether I’m their 1st or 100th choice "
I have never, and will never let someone down because I got another offer-even if it's a better offer.
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"Ultimately though, I always feel like does it matter? If you didn’t know, would you care?
Do we really think we’re anyone’s first choice? I’ve had a few meets from here and I know if Tom Hardy was available on those nights I wouldn’t have had those meets.
I think if it makes you feel bad then don’t do it. But I also think your missing out over something silly that you can’t control anyways. You could be someone’s 10th choice and never know, you could be someone’s 1st choice and feel suspect about them.
Hell, you could be someone’s 1st choice then last minute Beyoncé messages them.
I try to not let things I can control bother me. If I wanna meet someone I’ll meet them, whether I’m their 1st or 100th choice "
Then you do you but that's not me. Experience and intuition are great tools although not foolproof. Of all the times I've had men flake, the red flags are usually the same so if I spot them, I'll act accordingly
Perhaps I'd be less "precious" if meeting someone didn't require such planning but as a single parent, all kinds of hoops need to be jumped through to free me up.
As already said, I'd rather cut my losses now than have a last minute flake when the babysitter is here and I'm all ready to go. |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
"
I have never, and will never let someone down because I got another offer-even if it's a better offer.
"
It's a shame people on here do though and breeze on not giving a shit acting the good guy  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"First of all, I'm well aware that this is a swinging site and I've no desire to be exclusive with anyone or require that from them.
I chat with various people, some with the potential for sex, others not. I like to keep those options open and see where the connections go. I think that's fair enough.
But if I'm approached to meet on a set date, I don't expect to be one of many options, or at least feel that way. Is that unreasonable?
If I make plans with someone, I stick to them (excluding a child related problem etc) and I maintain communication, confirming on that morning. I wouldn't be online multiple times, having not replied to that person's message from the previous night.
I think many of us, with experience and tuition, can spot the red flags of a flake/player and whilst we may get it wrong on occasion, our intuition is probably right.
So on this occasion, I may well have cut my nose off to spite my face *and vagina) but I'm not prepared to be on the back-burner until someone deems me worthy.
Precious? Maybe, but this isn't my first rodeo and ain't nobody got time fo dat!"
I agree with this, if I want to meet with someone, I always make sure that they are well on the loop and also would like confirmations back.
One thing I don’t seem to understand tho, how did you realise your were a back up plan?
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"Ultimately though, I always feel like does it matter? If you didn’t know, would you care?
Do we really think we’re anyone’s first choice? I’ve had a few meets from here and I know if Tom Hardy was available on those nights I wouldn’t have had those meets.
I think if it makes you feel bad then don’t do it. But I also think your missing out over something silly that you can’t control anyways. You could be someone’s 10th choice and never know, you could be someone’s 1st choice and feel suspect about them.
Hell, you could be someone’s 1st choice then last minute Beyoncé messages them.
I try to not let things I can control bother me. If I wanna meet someone I’ll meet them, whether I’m their 1st or 100th choice
Then you do you but that's not me. Experience and intuition are great tools although not foolproof. Of all the times I've had men flake, the red flags are usually the same so if I spot them, I'll act accordingly
Perhaps I'd be less "precious" if meeting someone didn't require such planning but as a single parent, all kinds of hoops need to be jumped through to free me up.
As already said, I'd rather cut my losses now than have a last minute flake when the babysitter is here and I'm all ready to go. "
If that’s the case it seems you’ve made you mind up and I’ve missed the point of the post |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"
I have never, and will never let someone down because I got another offer-even if it's a better offer.
It's a shame people on here do though and breeze on not giving a shit acting the good guy "
I know it's been done to me, more than once. They show the verification afterwards, either because they don't give a shit or forget we can see them.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Totally agree if you make plans with someone, you should see them through with that person. You can usually spot the tell tale signs of being a 'back up' so to speak but if someone makes you feel that way, move on.
There's plenty of connections you make with people on here and I also don't want or expect exclusivity. What I do expect is respect on both sides, if you ain't got that it's not going to work |
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"So the jist I get from your op is that you have cancelled the date as he hadn’t responded to one message, even though been online ?
Seems a bit harsh, especially as most people talk to others generally and not just sexually, but you do what feels right for you "
On the day of the meet, I would expect plans to confirmed that mprning. A quick "Still OK for tonight?" or something. It's not so much a case of not replying to one message - that happens, but when you're meeting that evening, I think it's rude to be online multiple times and not respond to the person you're supposed to be seeing in a few hours time. Red flag territory for me as that's the way that flakes have always gone. |
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"So the jist I get from your op is that you have cancelled the date as he hadn’t responded to one message, even though been online ?
Seems a bit harsh, especially as most people talk to others generally and not just sexually, but you do what feels right for you
On the day of the meet, I would expect plans to confirmed that mprning. A quick "Still OK for tonight?" or something. It's not so much a case of not replying to one message - that happens, but when you're meeting that evening, I think it's rude to be online multiple times and not respond to the person you're supposed to be seeing in a few hours time. Red flag territory for me as that's the way that flakes have always gone."
As I said you do you and your gut |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ultimately though, I always feel like does it matter? If you didn’t know, would you care?
Do we really think we’re anyone’s first choice? I’ve had a few meets from here and I know if Tom Hardy was available on those nights I wouldn’t have had those meets.
I think if it makes you feel bad then don’t do it. But I also think your missing out over something silly that you can’t control anyways. You could be someone’s 10th choice and never know, you could be someone’s 1st choice and feel suspect about them.
Hell, you could be someone’s 1st choice then last minute Beyoncé messages them.
I try to not let things I can control bother me. If I wanna meet someone I’ll meet them, whether I’m their 1st or 100th choice "
Whilst I agree with the op that her time is precious, I also do agree with this.
If you do know for a FACT that you are a back up, if you're thinking you wanted to see them again but now you've changed your mind. That's cool. In fact, I'm all for it.
But I wouldn't cancel unless they had done some proper ghosting |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
"
I have never, and will never let someone down because I got another offer-even if it's a better offer.
It's a shame people on here do though and breeze on not giving a shit acting the good guy
I know it's been done to me, more than once. They show the verification afterwards, either because they don't give a shit or forget we can see them.
"
Yup! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"First of all, I'm well aware that this is a swinging site and I've no desire to be exclusive with anyone or require that from them.
I chat with various people, some with the potential for sex, others not. I like to keep those options open and see where the connections go. I think that's fair enough.
But if I'm approached to meet on a set date, I don't expect to be one of many options, or at least feel that way. Is that unreasonable?
If I make plans with someone, I stick to them (excluding a child related problem etc) and I maintain communication, confirming on that morning. I wouldn't be online multiple times, having not replied to that person's message from the previous night.
I think many of us, with experience and tuition, can spot the red flags of a flake/player and whilst we may get it wrong on occasion, our intuition is probably right.
So on this occasion, I may well have cut my nose off to spite my face *and vagina) but I'm not prepared to be on the back-burner until someone deems me worthy.
Precious? Maybe, but this isn't my first rodeo and ain't nobody got time fo dat!
I agree with this, if I want to meet with someone, I always make sure that they are well on the loop and also would like confirmations back.
One thing I don’t seem to understand tho, how did you realise your were a back up plan?
"
You dont know unless you've already spoken about that exact date etc with that person already and they told you they were busy that day already, then you get contacted about it to say they were free... |
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Why should anyone be a back up.
Im with the op if I make a date with someone then i stick to it.
If they fail to turn up yeah its a night/time lost event, It takes a good excuse to get around it for a second meet.
I wouldnt want to make another back up meet, As someones going to be disapointed.
I dont like it myself and I wouldnt want to put others through it. |
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By *JB1954Man
over a year ago
Reading |
From the OP start of thread. I may be wrong.
OP has arranged a meet for a agreed date.
She has made her arrangements at home . Childcare etc for date.
Also contact to be made on morning of date to confirm. But no reply confirmation. Yet meet is showing online.
OP possibly then done meet name search to check if actually online?
This turns up profile and shows meet has a meet today showing . So is looking for alternatives to OP ?
So OP knows that second choice etc. ?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Iv never put a official back up plan in place but Iv been cancelled after Iv got ready and then wrote on here I want a meet now and someone on my friends list contacted me. I ended up sleeping with him that night. He obviously knew he was a back up.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making a back up plan. Far too many flakes on here not too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Form our perspective we would never cancel a meet once planned, as we are only free every other weekend we may on occasion ask if switching from a Friday to a Saturday is possible to accommodate a second meet, however if it was not possible we wouldn’t ditch one for another. It would never be a case of someone being a backup or found a better option, more trying to maximise our fun potential for our free weekends x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I haven't experienced this ... Or maybe I wasn't aware!
Is really shit though tbh.
Good for you, for 'calling it a day' (a saying)
I wouldn't give him another chance! |
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I won't entertain taking a ticket for anyone, let alone be a back-up. If we get to the point of arranging something, then I'd expect some honest open dialogue. If I get a vague hint of being played, I back off.
I'd feel the same way, OP. It's a big effort especially when you have families to consider, let alone the dedication of your precious free moments or using up favours, or childcare credits... and the prep time and build up emotionally.
Do what the hell you like, just treat everyone with respect - it's not a lot to ask.
Fortunately we've never been in a last minute situation of doubt, although a few have fallen by the wayside before reaching that stage.
We'd never dream of doing that to someone.
C |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
I read this one of two ways, so I’m going to answer both;
No one should ever be a plan B or a back up if their priority plans fall through. I know lots of people who have done that, it’s dehumanising and disrespectful.
Or,
I asked a similar question a while ago. People often talk to multiple others at the same time, I find that clarity over that fact is important and so long as no one is expecting or assuming exclusivity, then it should be presumed that anyone is talking to many. If you’re uncomfortable with feeling like a number, then it might be down to a number of factors and maybe that person simply isn’t for you. It’s not right or wrong, just differences of approach which is just another form of filtering out people that aren’t for you.
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"I read this one of two ways, so I’m going to answer both;
No one should ever be a plan B or a back up if their priority plans fall through. I know lots of people who have done that, it’s dehumanising and disrespectful.
Or,
I asked a similar question a while ago. People often talk to multiple others at the same time, I find that clarity over that fact is important and so long as no one is expecting or assuming exclusivity, then it should be presumed that anyone is talking to many. If you’re uncomfortable with feeling like a number, then it might be down to a number of factors and maybe that person simply isn’t for you. It’s not right or wrong, just differences of approach which is just another form of filtering out people that aren’t for you.
"
I've already said I don't care how many others they speak to - I speak to many, as stated.
This is about recognising rhose red flags that someone is going to flake, either as that's just how they are (bit of a fantasist) or they're not that into me/I'm one of several options. Either way, several things lead to me feeling that way, both what he said and didn't say, which obviously I'm not going to post here.
I could of course be being overly sensitive but I've been around long enough and trust my gut. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Aaaaand this is why I don't meet anyone 
Jokes aside, I think it's a shitty thing to do. I'd never stand someone up, go Silent or have a back up plan. Like most of you have said on here. Just a case of finding someone who thinks the same. Which is easier said than done |
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"Ultimately though, I always feel like does it matter? If you didn’t know, would you care?
Do we really think we’re anyone’s first choice? I’ve had a few meets from here and I know if Tom Hardy was available on those nights I wouldn’t have had those meets.
I think if it makes you feel bad then don’t do it. But I also think your missing out over something silly that you can’t control anyways. You could be someone’s 10th choice and never know, you could be someone’s 1st choice and feel suspect about them.
Hell, you could be someone’s 1st choice then last minute Beyoncé messages them.
I try to not let things I can control bother me. If I wanna meet someone I’ll meet them, whether I’m their 1st or 100th choice "
This. So far I've only had this issue with socials, the back up has known that I was let down, there was no plan, it just happened that they were free at the time.
If I was to have to cancel, it wouldn't bother me if they met someone else, it's their free time and I guess they want to make the most of it.
Always good to have a Plan B, specially if you've made an effort. |
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"Ultimately though, I always feel like does it matter? If you didn’t know, would you care?
Do we really think we’re anyone’s first choice? I’ve had a few meets from here and I know if Tom Hardy was available on those nights I wouldn’t have had those meets.
I think if it makes you feel bad then don’t do it. But I also think your missing out over something silly that you can’t control anyways. You could be someone’s 10th choice and never know, you could be someone’s 1st choice and feel suspect about them.
Hell, you could be someone’s 1st choice then last minute Beyoncé messages them.
I try to not let things I can control bother me. If I wanna meet someone I’ll meet them, whether I’m their 1st or 100th choice
This. So far I've only had this issue with socials, the back up has known that I was let down, there was no plan, it just happened that they were free at the time.
If I was to have to cancel, it wouldn't bother me if they met someone else, it's their free time and I guess they want to make the most of it.
Always good to have a Plan B, specially if you've made an effort. "
But surely in that case you were plan A? |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
"Aaaaand this is why I don't meet anyone
Jokes aside, I think it's a shitty thing to do. I'd never stand someone up, go Silent or have a back up plan. Like most of you have said on here. Just a case of finding someone who thinks the same. Which is easier said than done "
Yup |
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Too be honest I tie myself up in knots over this.
I try to judge people how they behave towards me and not let other factors influence that. But when they behave in a way that I've experienced before, it's hard not to let previous experience influence my behaviour.
It does mean that sometimes I judge harshly and miss out, but it also probably saves me from being let down as well so it probably balances out.
Ultimately, whatever my reasons for being on here I'm looking for people who treat me with respect and if I don't feel respected then I'm out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not read all the responses but yes, I agree with you OP.
Its also plain sexually fraustrating, as well as emotionally!
I get approximately 24 free nights a year.
Read that again.
So yes, when someone flakes, it pisses me off! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am nobodies backup plan. If i make plans then barring something inescapable and unforeseeable i expect them to be kept and if they have to be cancelled then as much warning as possible. I do exactly the same in return. I never do last minute. So no i think you are not being precious at all but are valuing yourself and your time as you should. "
I always feel like the back up/substitute (mrs).. |
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I think we all talk to multiple people, but I dont think I have ever arranged two people on the same night/day just in case one doesn't work out.
If I arrange to meet someone, I will, if they dont turn up or cancel, that is the time I will look for an alternative, not leave someone as a back up. |
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"First of all, I'm well aware that this is a swinging site and I've no desire to be exclusive with anyone or require that from them.
I chat with various people, some with the potential for sex, others not. I like to keep those options open and see where the connections go. I think that's fair enough.
But if I'm approached to meet on a set date, I don't expect to be one of many options, or at least feel that way. Is that unreasonable?
If I make plans with someone, I stick to them (excluding a child related problem etc) and I maintain communication, confirming on that morning. I wouldn't be online multiple times, having not replied to that person's message from the previous night.
I think many of us, with experience and tuition, can spot the red flags of a flake/player and whilst we may get it wrong on occasion, our intuition is probably right.
So on this occasion, I may well have cut my nose off to spite my face *and vagina) but I'm not prepared to be on the back-burner until someone deems me worthy.
Precious? Maybe, but this isn't my first rodeo and ain't nobody got time fo dat!"
Omg ! This has happened to me a couple of times, so fucking annoying, I just wished they'd say that, I really wouldn't mind , more snnoying is I didn't even instigate it ...ggggrrr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The thing about fab is. I'm not desperate enough to need to compromise or do anything with anyone that doesn't suit me or makes me feel awkward or uneasy. So I get you OP. I've turned down more often than met for this very reason. For me it isn't about feeling special necessarily it's more about respect. |
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"First of all, I'm well aware that this is a swinging site and I've no desire to be exclusive with anyone or require that from them.
I chat with various people, some with the potential for sex, others not. I like to keep those options open and see where the connections go. I think that's fair enough.
But if I'm approached to meet on a set date, I don't expect to be one of many options, or at least feel that way. Is that unreasonable?
If I make plans with someone, I stick to them (excluding a child related problem etc) and I maintain communication, confirming on that morning. I wouldn't be online multiple times, having not replied to that person's message from the previous night.
I think many of us, with experience and tuition, can spot the red flags of a flake/player and whilst we may get it wrong on occasion, our intuition is probably right.
So on this occasion, I may well have cut my nose off to spite my face *and vagina) but I'm not prepared to be on the back-burner until someone deems me worthy.
Precious? Maybe, but this isn't my first rodeo and ain't nobody got time fo dat!
Omg ! This has happened to me a couple of times, so fucking annoying, I just wished they'd say that, I really wouldn't mind , more snnoying is I didn't even instigate it ...ggggrrr "
Thanks for bumping this post up to remind me of my annoyance  |
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"First of all, I'm well aware that this is a swinging site and I've no desire to be exclusive with anyone or require that from them.
I chat with various people, some with the potential for sex, others not. I like to keep those options open and see where the connections go. I think that's fair enough.
But if I'm approached to meet on a set date, I don't expect to be one of many options, or at least feel that way. Is that unreasonable?
If I make plans with someone, I stick to them (excluding a child related problem etc) and I maintain communication, confirming on that morning. I wouldn't be online multiple times, having not replied to that person's message from the previous night.
I think many of us, with experience and tuition, can spot the red flags of a flake/player and whilst we may get it wrong on occasion, our intuition is probably right.
So on this occasion, I may well have cut my nose off to spite my face *and vagina) but I'm not prepared to be on the back-burner until someone deems me worthy.
Precious? Maybe, but this isn't my first rodeo and ain't nobody got time fo dat!
Omg ! This has happened to me a couple of times, so fucking annoying, I just wished they'd say that, I really wouldn't mind , more snnoying is I didn't even instigate it ...ggggrrr
Thanks for bumping this post up to remind me of my annoyance "
My pleasure 
It reminded me of mine at the time x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Many guys and girls do this because there’s so many flakes and fakes.
I’ve definitely had backups
I’ve definitely been a backup
There’s no harm to it if your ego is in place and you can accept it for what it is
And there’s no harm in not liking it either, but it’s gonna be an uphill battle
It's not an ego thing but I decency thing. I am happy to be one of many through general discourse but if someone approaches me for a set date and as a single parent I go to the trouble of arranging a babysitter and prepping the family dinner in advance, then I don't expect to be just an option under those circumstances.
Talk to who you like, line people up for another day but not the day younhavw specifically contacted and invited me."
but so many women have cancelled because of kids, so can you see why a guy might have something else ready incase you do?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"First of all, I'm well aware that this is a swinging site and I've no desire to be exclusive with anyone or require that from them.
I chat with various people, some with the potential for sex, others not. I like to keep those options open and see where the connections go. I think that's fair enough.
But if I'm approached to meet on a set date, I don't expect to be one of many options, or at least feel that way. Is that unreasonable?
If I make plans with someone, I stick to them (excluding a child related problem etc) and I maintain communication, confirming on that morning. I wouldn't be online multiple times, having not replied to that person's message from the previous night.
I think many of us, with experience and tuition, can spot the red flags of a flake/player and whilst we may get it wrong on occasion, our intuition is probably right.
So on this occasion, I may well have cut my nose off to spite my face *and vagina) but I'm not prepared to be on the back-burner until someone deems me worthy.
Precious? Maybe, but this isn't my first rodeo and ain't nobody got time fo dat!"
Nobody deserves to feel like an option once someone has agreed to meet. And definitely not to see them online while they've stood you up. That's wrong on so many levels in my opinion. You're worth far more than that x |
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
Being exclusive and being a backup are two different things.
Exclusivity is mutually agreed.
Being someone’s backup demonstrates a lack of respect and courtesy to a person - unless they say “hello love, you’re one of three I’m trying to bonk on Saturday “, in which case you can make an informed choice.
It isn’t something I would do and I would not appreciate it being done to me either. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"but so many women have cancelled because of kids, so can you see why a guy might have something else ready incase you do?"
Nope, that's a pretty grim thought tbh.
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It's not a nice thing to do,
Years ago when I was single, was chatting to a bloke, arranging a social for the Saturday eve.
His contact tapered off gradually and when I messaged about out meet, he said he would have to cancel as he was having to have his child that night.
Next day a new verification pops up, obviously not a social meet.
He'd obviously waited to get a better offer and it doesn't feel great.
Miss |
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
"but so many women have cancelled because of kids, so can you see why a guy might have something else ready incase you do?"
What if the lady with the children doesn’t cancel? What does that mean for the second lady? |
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By *anae21Woman
over a year ago
Nearer than you think |
"Personally, I don't even start getting ready for a meet unless I have have had on the day confirmation. I've had too many flake on the day to waste my time to be ghosted at a meeting spot."
This is my stance, too. It prevents sitting in the carpark looking like a lemon, but doesn't prevent the loss of precious free time set aside for a meet. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I prefer to be the back up to the back up, that way the pressure is off then and I can chill till I get the call up and then I can spring into action.
‘What’s that, 5 fellas stand you up, I’m on my way!’ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This one time a woman said look you’re my last resort, I’ve got 8 back ups, you okay with that, I think should could tell from my vacant stare that it was all gravy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"First of all, I'm well aware that this is a swinging site and I've no desire to be exclusive with anyone or require that from them.
I chat with various people, some with the potential for sex, others not. I like to keep those options open and see where the connections go. I think that's fair enough.
But if I'm approached to meet on a set date, I don't expect to be one of many options, or at least feel that way. Is that unreasonable?
If I make plans with someone, I stick to them (excluding a child related problem etc) and I maintain communication, confirming on that morning. I wouldn't be online multiple times, having not replied to that person's message from the previous night.
I think many of us, with experience and tuition, can spot the red flags of a flake/player and whilst we may get it wrong on occasion, our intuition is probably right.
So on this occasion, I may well have cut my nose off to spite my face *and vagina) but I'm not prepared to be on the back-burner until someone deems me worthy.
Precious? Maybe, but this isn't my first rodeo and ain't nobody got time fo dat!"
Unfortunately in here at are all just a number, naturally we all have value and there is nothing wrong with how you view yourself.
For many this is just a place for fantasies, not reality.
Yes a decent lady like yourself does deserve much better, but here the rules of engagement appear to be missing.
I've had two guys not turn up on me. Was mad at the time but over it. I keep telling myself that apparently rude behaviour is normal here.
Take a deep breath and move on. Know your worth and learn from the experience just as I did. Unfortunately these bad apples do spoil it for the rest as we ladies are then even more cautious.  |
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
Totally agree.
I would always tell someone if they were backup so that they can decide if they want to be.
But I also won't consider plan A to still be on if they don't confirm the night before, so that way it's fairer on everyone.
Also, no second chances for flaking on a first meet. Worst turn off. |
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