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Preference vs fetishised
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I'm a massive lardarse and I make no secret of the fact. If someone has a preference for BBWs then brilliant, that works really well for me and if we meet up I will revel in their enjoyment of my body. My size is a draw for them, but not the only attraction and if I'm not a good fit for them they won't meet me anyway just because I'm fat.
It makes me uncomfortable when someone likes the fat more than they like the person, when they are looking for ever bigger women and want to know my weight and my dress size to see where I rank and whether it's worth meeting me or whether they can find someone fatter.
That to me is my weight being fetishised, and I quickly lose all interest. I am more than my dress size.
I have a similar reaction when someone messages to say they've never had a BBW before but they'd like to try one. It's that same feeling that all that matters to them is the fat, they don't give a toss about the person and may as well stick their cock into a block of lard if that's all they're looking for. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Well with a fetish, the definition is that it is required for sexual gratification, where as a preference is just that - you like it but it isn’t “needed” for sexual satisfaction.
I may have a rubber fetish, so I can only get off while wearing, smelling or feeling latex.
However I may have a preference for physical attribute X, but as its just a preference I could choose to be with someone with physical attribute Y and still be sexually satisfied. |
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
"Well with a fetish, the definition is that it is required for sexual gratification, where as a preference is just that - you like it but it isn’t “needed” for sexual satisfaction."
This was my first thought as well.
I wonder where kink sits for most people, towards fetish or towards preference? |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Well with a fetish, the definition is that it is required for sexual gratification, where as a preference is just that - you like it but it isn’t “needed” for sexual satisfaction.
This was my first thought as well.
I wonder where kink sits for most people, towards fetish or towards preference?"
I found this description for kink v fetish a while ago and I think it works well:
A kink is something that arouses us that’s not considered the sexual norm and isn’t necessary or even wanted every single sex session.
A fetish is a sexual act or an object that is nearly always necessary for the person to become aroused and enjoy sex.
So I would say generally kink leans more towards preference than fetish.
I know that a lot of what I do is not a fetish, more a very strong preference as I could do a vanilla meet and have fun. |
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
"So I would say generally kink leans more towards preference than fetish.
I know that a lot of what I do is not a fetish, more a very strong preference as I could do a vanilla meet and have fun."
Yes, I can relate to this. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I'm a massive lardarse and I make no secret of the fact. If someone has a preference for BBWs then brilliant, that works really well for me and if we meet up I will revel in their enjoyment of my body. My size is a draw for them, but not the only attraction and if I'm not a good fit for them they won't meet me anyway just because I'm fat.
It makes me uncomfortable when someone likes the fat more than they like the person, when they are looking for ever bigger women and want to know my weight and my dress size to see where I rank and whether it's worth meeting me or whether they can find someone fatter.
That to me is my weight being fetishised, and I quickly lose all interest. I am more than my dress size.
I have a similar reaction when someone messages to say they've never had a BBW before but they'd like to try one. It's that same feeling that all that matters to them is the fat, they don't give a toss about the person and may as well stick their cock into a block of lard if that's all they're looking for."
So it’s where it becomes about the aspect of the person, not the person themselves that the line is?
How do you spot that? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well with a fetish, the definition is that it is required for sexual gratification, where as a preference is just that - you like it but it isn’t “needed” for sexual satisfaction."
This  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve wondered this for a while; where is the line between fetishising a person for a certain characteristic and having a preference for a certain aspect or look? "
When it becomes an obsession and that’s all your are looking at/for… no exception.
Hence why I tend to steer clear from trans chasers as they are (usually) obsessed and all they care about is my transness. Turning it into a total fetish |
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"Well with a fetish, the definition is that it is required for sexual gratification, where as a preference is just that - you like it but it isn’t “needed” for sexual satisfaction.
I may have a rubber fetish, so I can only get off while wearing, smelling or feeling latex.
However I may have a preference for physical attribute X, but as its just a preference I could choose to be with someone with physical attribute Y and still be sexually satisfied."
I think that is totally spot on |
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So I get messages saying I've never been with a redhead. Which I don't like and I ignore those messages but I don't think I'm being fetished, just more a tick in the box.
The messages about men wanting me to be their snowbunny, totally come across as me being fetishized for the paleness of my skin. The way they speak makes me think they wouldn't have bothered messaging me if I had tanned skin, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Whereas, someone saying I love the colour of your hair against your pale skin, I take as a preference and a compliment. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"So I get messages saying I've never been with a redhead. Which I don't like and I ignore those messages but I don't think I'm being fetished, just more a tick in the box.
The messages about men wanting me to be their snowbunny, totally come across as me being fetishized for the paleness of my skin. The way they speak makes me think they wouldn't have bothered messaging me if I had tanned skin, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Whereas, someone saying I love the colour of your hair against your pale skin, I take as a preference and a compliment. "
It’s fairly subtle and tonal then? It could be a simple matter of phrasing? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a preference for women with green eyes, but that doesn't mean I don't fancy a Sheila with brown, blue, hazel or other eyes. It means that I'll just stare at their cleavage more than I stare at their eyes!
Also I wouldn't read too much into it, since everyone has their own definitions and understandings of things. |
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"So I get messages saying I've never been with a redhead. Which I don't like and I ignore those messages but I don't think I'm being fetished, just more a tick in the box.
The messages about men wanting me to be their snowbunny, totally come across as me being fetishized for the paleness of my skin. The way they speak makes me think they wouldn't have bothered messaging me if I had tanned skin, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Whereas, someone saying I love the colour of your hair against your pale skin, I take as a preference and a compliment.
It’s fairly subtle and tonal then? It could be a simple matter of phrasing? "
I think so, when someone just bangs on about a certain trait it's off-putting. I'm more than that one feature. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
A kink is something that arouses us that’s not considered the sexual norm and isn’t necessary or even wanted every single sex session.
A fetish is a sexual act or an object that is nearly always necessary for the person to become aroused and enjoy sex."
These definitions is how I would see it. Kink tending more towards preference. Fetish being something which has to be there.
I think some people have a list of tickboxes which they want to 'try' (a bit like a '1001 Sexual Things You Need to Do Before You Die') which could include things like have sex with a larger woman, one with red hair or older (just as a sidenote I have 'done' all of them but not through a tick boxing exercise  ) - which could be seen as an influence of porn.
But what if someone can only get turned on by a larger lady (a fetish)? Do they see more than just the physical aspect or would do if they keep seeing the same person? Only someone with a specific fetish could answer that. |
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"*snipped for convenience*
So it’s where it becomes about the aspect of the person, not the person themselves that the line is?
How do you spot that? "
For me, yes. It's when it becomes almost dehumanizing.
It's relatively easy to spot through a bit of chat. It's not that they fancy me or that they really have any interest in me at all, they just want the fat and the fat alone is enough for them, it's all they're looking for.
I have a real weakness for a guy with big knuckles and veiny arms. If I see that in a photo it does give me a little pulse of joy. If they are attached to a complete arsehole then I'm not going to meet up just because of his hands. The person is far more important than his knuckles. It's just a preference, and it's one of many preferences I have.
When the fat alone is more important than the person, it strikes me as less of a preference and more of a fetish and that's when I walk away. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"So I get messages saying I've never been with a redhead. Which I don't like and I ignore those messages but I don't think I'm being fetished, just more a tick in the box.
The messages about men wanting me to be their snowbunny, totally come across as me being fetishized for the paleness of my skin. The way they speak makes me think they wouldn't have bothered messaging me if I had tanned skin, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Whereas, someone saying I love the colour of your hair against your pale skin, I take as a preference and a compliment.
It’s fairly subtle and tonal then? It could be a simple matter of phrasing?
I think so, when someone just bangs on about a certain trait it's off-putting. I'm more than that one feature. "
I have noticed that certain traits are fetishised more, red hair is definitely on the rise.
Do you think that it’s always a bad thing though? BBC is often fetishised on fab, is that a negative thing? |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"
A kink is something that arouses us that’s not considered the sexual norm and isn’t necessary or even wanted every single sex session.
A fetish is a sexual act or an object that is nearly always necessary for the person to become aroused and enjoy sex.
These definitions is how I would see it. Kink tending more towards preference. Fetish being something which has to be there.
I think some people have a list of tickboxes which they want to 'try' (a bit like a '1001 Sexual Things You Need to Do Before You Die') which could include things like have sex with a larger woman, one with red hair or older (just as a sidenote I have 'done' all of them but not through a tick boxing exercise ) - which could be seen as an influence of porn.
But what if someone can only get turned on by a larger lady (a fetish)? Do they see more than just the physical aspect or would do if they keep seeing the same person? Only someone with a specific fetish could answer that."
What you write about sexual tick boxes sparked a thought; isn’t that the same thing with FFM for people and watching two women together?
Isn’t the whole concept of ‘unicorn hunting’ fetishising bisexuality? |
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"So I get messages saying I've never been with a redhead. Which I don't like and I ignore those messages but I don't think I'm being fetished, just more a tick in the box.
The messages about men wanting me to be their snowbunny, totally come across as me being fetishized for the paleness of my skin. The way they speak makes me think they wouldn't have bothered messaging me if I had tanned skin, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Whereas, someone saying I love the colour of your hair against your pale skin, I take as a preference and a compliment.
It’s fairly subtle and tonal then? It could be a simple matter of phrasing?
I think so, when someone just bangs on about a certain trait it's off-putting. I'm more than that one feature.
I have noticed that certain traits are fetishised more, red hair is definitely on the rise.
Do you think that it’s always a bad thing though? BBC is often fetishised on fab, is that a negative thing? "
I personally see it as a bad thing. I've no problem with celebrating the colour of my hair, spent long enough disliking it. And it is a very distinctive feature. But I find it dehumanising when that's all I'm seen for sexually.
I've never commented on a BBC thread but I personally don't like the presumption behind the term. It's like the messages I get you know what they say about redheads etc. I'm not a stereotype. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To me the notable difference was when someone wasn't able to escape one particular fantasy and each time we spoke they had to involve their fetish element in the sexual chat to be turned on. Their imagination seemed bounded by it. |
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they have to at least appreciate the roundness and softness of my body 
