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Managing expectations...
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Genuine question to all forumites:
When you arrange to meet somebody for the first time, how do you manage their expectations?
In my case I always without exception, meet for a social and I always state that we might take things further if we BOTH feel the chemistry etc but it will not be on the first meet.
What do people do to manage the other party's expectations?
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Social first. I’m under no illusion that my height and size can be incredibly daunting to men who are used to petite ladies. "
I agree - (not the comment about your being daunting, I am sure you are not!) but about anticipating people's expectations! |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Pretty much the same. I only ever meet for socials. If we want to meet again we will but nothing else would be happening that day apart from maybe a kiss x"
That's me to a T - I mean it is not just about looks, it could be about smell, attitude, sense of humour... anything really that can suddenly turn out to be a show stopper? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I meet with the expectation that consent is paramount no matter what the occasion. If a social turns into more it’s only because both of us want it to happen. "
Love it - and I agree. But I have come across people who somehow think if somebody agrees to meet (socially) they are bound to gag for it and go all the way on the day.
Seriously I have heard about such incidents and experienced them myself. Was quite tricky to get out of a couple of situations without causing offense and a scene. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Genuine question to all forumites:
When you arrange to meet somebody for the first time, how do you manage their expectations?
In my case I always without exception, meet for a social and I always state that we might take things further if we BOTH feel the chemistry etc but it will not be on the first meet.
What do people do to manage the other party's expectations?
"
Tell them if they are only interested in my penis then they will be disappointed.
Tell them that the first play date will likely be a disappointment as we always take it slow and wont play as hard as we can.
Make sure we are all on the same page before taking it further. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Always a social, don't use sexting etc prior to meeting.
Just saves any embarrassment or awkwardness if either is not attracted to the other"
Brilliant and I agree, I do not engage in sexting or anything like that until I have met the person (at least once) After all, if you met in a pub you would do your due diligence, wouldn't you? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Send them a face pic. 
But what about the expectation that they want to go further on the first meet but you might not when you see them? "
I actually had this scenario recently. We’d left it open that we might go further if it felt right and had a place to go but for one of us the chemistry wasn’t there. In retrospect I wish I’d ruled out the possibility in advance, it would have been more comfortable for both of us, I feel. |
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"Always a social, don't use sexting etc prior to meeting.
Just saves any embarrassment or awkwardness if either is not attracted to the other"
Yep same.
The turn around between first messages and a coffee social used to be quite quick also.
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Genuine question to all forumites:
When you arrange to meet somebody for the first time, how do you manage their expectations?
In my case I always without exception, meet for a social and I always state that we might take things further if we BOTH feel the chemistry etc but it will not be on the first meet.
What do people do to manage the other party's expectations?
Tell them if they are only interested in my penis then they will be disappointed.
Tell them that the first play date will likely be a disappointment as we always take it slow and wont play as hard as we can.
Make sure we are all on the same page before taking it further."
DO you think I should rephrase the question into "how do you make sure that we are on the same page?"
It has not happened too often, but I have actually cancelled a (planned social not with anybody off Fabs btw) ) meet quite recently because the person was indicating that once we met I would be changing my mind.
So I did - before I met them. |
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My personal opinion is that it's up to people to manage their own expectations by asking questions. We state on our profile and messages that our first meet will be social only, we also reiterate our basic boundaries. If we have any queries we ask and then expect what's been discussed to happen. |
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By *VineMan
over a year ago
The right place |
"I meet with the expectation that consent is paramount no matter what the occasion. If a social turns into more it’s only because both of us want it to happen.
Love it - and I agree. But I have come across people who somehow think if somebody agrees to meet (socially) they are bound to gag for it and go all the way on the day.
Seriously I have heard about such incidents and experienced them myself. Was quite tricky to get out of a couple of situations without causing offense and a scene."
That’s awful. I would have no desire to play with someone that doesn’t want to play with me. Knowing I’m desired is the biggest turn on. If it’s not there I’m not interested. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Send them a face pic.
But what about the expectation that they want to go further on the first meet but you might not when you see them?
I actually had this scenario recently. We’d left it open that we might go further if it felt right and had a place to go but for one of us the chemistry wasn’t there. In retrospect I wish I’d ruled out the possibility in advance, it would have been more comfortable for both of us, I feel."
It's less awkward then isnt it? |
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"Pretty much the same. I only ever meet for socials. If we want to meet again we will but nothing else would be happening that day apart from maybe a kiss x
That's me to a T - I mean it is not just about looks, it could be about smell, attitude, sense of humour... anything really that can suddenly turn out to be a show stopper?"
Definitely. I’ve always said you can never know until you meet someone in person. People think you can but for me you definitely can’t. I’ve never met anyone who I thought it may not go further with but it very rarely has because the spark just wasn’t there in person x |
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"Genuine question to all forumites:
When you arrange to meet somebody for the first time, how do you manage their expectations?
In my case I always without exception, meet for a social and I always state that we might take things further if we BOTH feel the chemistry etc but it will not be on the first meet.
What do people do to manage the other party's expectations?
"
As you... Use your words. It's just a social to see how things go. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"My personal opinion is that it's up to people to manage their own expectations by asking questions. We state on our profile and messages that our first meet will be social only, we also reiterate our basic boundaries. If we have any queries we ask and then expect what's been discussed to happen."
DO you think it might be easier for couples meeting couples? I feel a bit more vulnerable when on my own I think. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Send them a face pic.
But what about the expectation that they want to go further on the first meet but you might not when you see them?
I actually had this scenario recently. We’d left it open that we might go further if it felt right and had a place to go but for one of us the chemistry wasn’t there. In retrospect I wish I’d ruled out the possibility in advance, it would have been more comfortable for both of us, I feel.
It's less awkward then isnt it? "
Definitely. And also a social can be a great experience in its own right even if there’s no ‘next time’. Clarity means you can enjoy it on its own terms. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I meet with the expectation that consent is paramount no matter what the occasion. If a social turns into more it’s only because both of us want it to happen.
Love it - and I agree. But I have come across people who somehow think if somebody agrees to meet (socially) they are bound to gag for it and go all the way on the day.
Seriously I have heard about such incidents and experienced them myself. Was quite tricky to get out of a couple of situations without causing offense and a scene.
That’s awful. I would have no desire to play with someone that doesn’t want to play with me. Knowing I’m desired is the biggest turn on. If it’s not there I’m not interested. "
I can relate to that - it would be a turn on to feel wanted, desired whereas thinking somebody went half-hearted, not having any "better option" would be awful |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Always a social, don't use sexting etc prior to meeting.
Just saves any embarrassment or awkwardness if either is not attracted to the other
Brilliant and I agree, I do not engage in sexting or anything like that until I have met the person (at least once) After all, if you met in a pub you would do your due diligence, wouldn't you?"
That is exactly it, you really would and I want them to get to know me before I do that sex thing with them |
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We always state we start with a no pressure social and go from there.
Sometimes it's just a social, sometimes we play on that first date and sometimes we make a date for another time.
We go in expecting just a social and hope others do as well. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"We always state we start with a no pressure social and go from there.
Sometimes it's just a social, sometimes we play on that first date and sometimes we make a date for another time.
We go in expecting just a social and hope others do as well. "
Do you think it might be easier for couples? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Send them a face pic.
But what about the expectation that they want to go further on the first meet but you might not when you see them?
I actually had this scenario recently. We’d left it open that we might go further if it felt right and had a place to go but for one of us the chemistry wasn’t there. In retrospect I wish I’d ruled out the possibility in advance, it would have been more comfortable for both of us, I feel.
It's less awkward then isnt it?
Definitely. And also a social can be a great experience in its own right even if there’s no ‘next time’. Clarity means you can enjoy it on its own terms."
Tbh if somebody pulls a face about a "social only event" it makes me withdraw as I think we are not on the same page. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Always a social, don't use sexting etc prior to meeting.
Just saves any embarrassment or awkwardness if either is not attracted to the other
Yep same.
The turn around between first messages and a coffee social used to be quite quick also.
"
Yep, and it does set apart the ones who just want to fuck over the ones who actually want to get to know you |
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"My personal opinion is that it's up to people to manage their own expectations by asking questions. We state on our profile and messages that our first meet will be social only, we also reiterate our basic boundaries. If we have any queries we ask and then expect what's been discussed to happen.
DO you think it might be easier for couples meeting couples? I feel a bit more vulnerable when on my own I think."
Oh definitely easier for couples all round when meeting. We don't often meet couples though it's mostly single men and I always think they must feel at a disadvantage. It is also easier because I am a stroppy old bag and if you expect something from me and it's not reasonable I'm not going to care, of course it helps that I have back up in the shape of Mr N, which goes back to your original point |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I agree with what you are all saying about a social, but recently broke my own rule, and nearly my bed in the process.
It wasnt planned, so much so that I had to zoom round and make the place presentable and change the sheets etc.
I don't regret it, but I wouldn't presume, and have always made it clear previously, but this was a lunch date, rather than a meet x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I agree with what you are all saying about a social, but recently broke my own rule, and nearly my bed in the process.
It wasnt planned, so much so that I had to zoom round and make the place presentable and change the sheets etc.
I don't regret it, but I wouldn't presume, and have always made it clear previously, but this was a lunch date, rather than a meet x"
Nothing wrong with that |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I agree with what you are all saying about a social, but recently broke my own rule, and nearly my bed in the process.
It wasnt planned, so much so that I had to zoom round and make the place presentable and change the sheets etc.
I don't regret it, but I wouldn't presume, and have always made it clear previously, but this was a lunch date, rather than a meet x"
And that is cool, too.
And I hope it was amazing |
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I'm always been very clear that it's a social that may go further, but that if either of us isn't feeling it then it ends there...and I'm not shy about saying no, not nastily, but always firmly. I've never had anyone object or cause a scene. |
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"Genuine question to all forumites:
When you arrange to meet somebody for the first time, how do you manage their expectations?
In my case I always without exception, meet for a social and I always state that we might take things further if we BOTH feel the chemistry etc but it will not be on the first meet.
What do people do to manage the other party's expectations?
"
Ditto this..
No confusion or mixed messages etc..
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
I usually remind them that I am big and that they might not feel attracted to me in person.
Depending on how certain I feel about my own attraction I may also bring up reality check in conversation, that either of us may not feel they want to get intimate and that it would be ok.
When they come to my place I explain how to unlock the door in case they want to make a quick exit :D |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I usually remind them that I am big and that they might not feel attracted to me in person.
Depending on how certain I feel about my own attraction I may also bring up reality check in conversation, that either of us may not feel they want to get intimate and that it would be ok.
When they come to my place I explain how to unlock the door in case they want to make a quick exit :D"
That makes me wonder about another question: How do you make sure that YOU are safe if they come to your house? |
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I think we're pretty well explicit on our profile that we'll only meet socially on a first meet.
We cant committ ourselves or anyone to agreeing for it to go any further than this - so far this has worked out well as we reiterate when agree to meet not to expect anything other. I think it also reduces pressure on anyone & people can just get on an enjoy the company.
We've only ever gone one step further than initially we all agreed on first time of meeting but it's a rarity that I wouldn't anticipate will happen again.. |
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Just be very honest with each other, it's a conversation that needs to be had on what we both want to happen
If its a long distance meet then we generally are prepared for the social to go sexual especially as potentially it will be a one off
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"Always a social first on neutral ground, that way I can walk away if I don’t like what I see.
Also saves me being coerced into something I hadn’t bargained for! "
I cannot imagine anyone coercing you DC, but definitely the best approach
Jo xx |
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
"That makes me wonder about another question: How do you make sure that YOU are safe if they come to your house? "
As previously mentioned, I am big, so fortunately that means men are no physical threat to me. |
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"Always a social first on neutral ground, that way I can walk away if I don’t like what I see.
Also saves me being coerced into something I hadn’t bargained for!
I cannot imagine anyone coercing you DC, but definitely the best approach
Jo xx"
 |
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"Genuine question to all forumites:
When you arrange to meet somebody for the first time, how do you manage their expectations?
In my case I always without exception, meet for a social and I always state that we might take things further if we BOTH feel the chemistry etc but it will not be on the first meet.
What do people do to manage the other party's expectations?
Tell them if they are only interested in my penis then they will be disappointed.
Tell them that the first play date will likely be a disappointment as we always take it slow and wont play as hard as we can.
Make sure we are all on the same page before taking it further.
DO you think I should rephrase the question into "how do you make sure that we are on the same page?"
It has not happened too often, but I have actually cancelled a (planned social not with anybody off Fabs btw) ) meet quite recently because the person was indicating that once we met I would be changing my mind.
So I did - before I met them. "
Yes, that's very off putting when they think you're going to do things to them under the table, or find a secluded spot...  err... No.
I always meet in very public places. |
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"We always state we start with a no pressure social and go from there.
Sometimes it's just a social, sometimes we play on that first date and sometimes we make a date for another time.
We go in expecting just a social and hope others do as well.
Do you think it might be easier for couples? "
Not really. We meet as singles as well and same rules apply. |
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