One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
 |
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
The top 10 jokes on Dave are...
1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances." |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?""
Haha  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Had an argument with the wife last night. She said she wanted to sleep on the other side if the bed . . . . So i shoved her under the matress
Doctor doing his ward round stops at Mr Smiths bed and says " Mr Smith i have some good news and some bad news".
A shocked Mr Smith asks for the bad news.
The doctor says " We have had to amputate both your legs"
"And the good news? " asks Mr Smith
The doctor points " the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Usain Bolt fancies a new hobby so he calls in to an exclusive Hollywood golf club to enquire about membership!
The receptionist greets him and upon his enquiry announces "I'm sorry sir - we have a very long waiting list for membership. We won't be accepting any new members for some years to come! But there's an excellent course 10 minutes down the road that I know has memberships available."
On hearing this Bolt is very unhappy. "Don't you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt for christs sake!!"
At which the receptionist replies, "Ok smartarse - 3 minutes down the road!"
"  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *averiMan
over a year ago
Swindon to bristol |
"How do you confuse a single guy on Fab????
Reply to his message!!!!
Ok so its a bad one but made us titter."
Its true because if a single women replies it normally turns out to be a hairy assed male 'in disguise'! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
British rail are lying bastards !!! They say if you stand too close to the platform edge you'll get sucked off. Eight hours !! Eight fucking hours I've wasted today. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"British rail are lying bastards !!! They say if you stand too close to the platform edge you'll get sucked off. Eight hours !! Eight fucking hours I've wasted today."
pmsl  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Two ladies having lunch and one whispers "I'm having a boob job" So other lady replies "That's nothing, I'm having my arse hole bleached" First lady says "Really? . . . . I can't imagine your husband as a blonde! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
Just got told this one on a social meet....
There's a bloke on an airplane with a spaniel in the seat next to him - guy across the aisle says to him "How come your dog's got his own seat?" Bloke sez, "He's a sniffer dog, watch this" and signals the dog away.....dog has a bod around the plane sniffs at a fellow a few rows away, comes back and places his left paw on his handler's knee....handler says, "That guy's a drug smuggler, got heroin strapped to his body"......sends the dog off again, after a few minutes the dog sniffs at a little old lady and comes back and puts both paws on the handler's knee "drug mule, cocaine swallowed in condoms" he sez.....sends the dog off once more and he goes further along the plane and sniffs at a young man then comes back to his handler, jumps into his lap and shits......"What's that mean then?" said the bloke across the aisle
"Bomb" sez the handler
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
These from last year's win list still make me chuckle:
Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."
Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
two men in maternity waiting room one young in 20s other in 40s. young guy very nervous older guy says is this your first child yes he said what about you its our fourth he replied.
Young guy asks how long before we can err have you know what again.
Sex you mean he replied it all depends if you are public or private. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!""
That made me laugh as it reminded me of the acidic black knicker thread |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"
That made me laugh as it reminded me of the acidic black knicker thread "
Aceeed  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I was watching the women's hockey with my girlfriend and started taking the piss when they only got bronze.
"There's nothing wrong with bronze" she mocked "It's nothing to be ashamed of at all!"
Yet when I told her later that she's the third best girlfriend I've had, she went fucking mental |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
Shamelessly nicked off a mate's FB.........
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I crashed into the back of another car today. When the other driver got out he looked furious and he was a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy". So I said "So which one are you then.". |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
me and the missus got married last week, in the honeymoon suite i said "havnt you got lovely big tits" she went mental and ordered me to stand outside the room till i learnt some manners.
Whilst outside the bloke 3 doors down came out and stood outside, i said to him "what did you say"? he replied "i only said what a big lovely arse she had"
2 minutes later the bloke at the end came and stood outside, I said "i bet youve put your foot in it mate"
He said "no but i bet i fucking could have" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
