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Jokes

By *irldn OP Couple over a year ago

Brighton

Right folks everything continues to be miserable. Even the sun popped by then fucked off because everything was so dull!

So how about people post a few jokes to cheer fellow fabbers up?

Good belly laughs or crap groaners, it doesn’t matter!

Here’s one I just saw...

“My dad went to the zoo but there were no animals except for one dog, it was a shitzu.”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My friend says I have no sense of direction...so I got up and right

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By *irldn OP Couple over a year ago

Brighton

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it. It’s spam!

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By *ofdiamondsMan over a year ago

Between wisbech & Kings lynn

Almost got fired from my job as a roofer for masturbating. Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean

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By *ofdiamondsMan over a year ago

Between wisbech & Kings lynn

Went to a strip club the other day. Was told entry was £20 or I could pay £25 and it includes a meal. Paid the £25, went in and a naked Asian man walked up to me saying "hello, my name's Amil"

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By *ofdiamondsMan over a year ago

Between wisbech & Kings lynn

As a child I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog

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By *irldn OP Couple over a year ago

Brighton

What did the cheese say when it was looking in the mirror?

Helloumi

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Carlisle

I met a woman in a bar who told me to take her home and dominate her.

So I took her to my flat, turned on the Xbox, and absolutely thrashed her on Fifa.

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Carlisle

I didn't want to make a dick of myself when I first met my girlfriend's posh father, so I was relieved when he put some music on and asked my opinion on Vivaldi's Four Seasons.

Oh thank fuck for that, I thought... he likes Italian football.

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By *asilyled1Man over a year ago

ogmore valley

"What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A guy decides to find a prostitute to relieve a bit of tension. He walks about and finds a woman waiting on the street and he asks how much it would be.

She says 'a fiver'

He says 'Wow really? Thats cheap'

She says 'yeah, because I have no womb'

He says 'Oh really?'

She says 'Yep. We will have to do it over the woad up against the wailings'

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By *irldn OP Couple over a year ago

Brighton

Today is the Solstice, The longest day so please refrain from looking directly at The Sun, even the shortest glance can do irreparable damage, the same goes for the Daily Mail, the Telegraph, The Times, The Mirror, The Daily Express and GB News.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 guys walk into a bar.

The 3rd guy ducks.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went into the bank and asked the lady behind the counter if she could check my balance. She said sure and pushed me over.

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By *entlemenpipMan over a year ago

not far

A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 fish in a tank, 1st sez I hope u can drive this thing ??

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Ruislip

Did you know letters used to go on strike? My dad told me about the Great T strike of 1922, or as it was known at the time, the grey ee srike of nineen wenny oo.

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By *uvhandle20Man over a year ago

SE London

Did you know that her new boy friend really sucks?

His name is Henry

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it. It’s spam!"

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By *irldn OP Couple over a year ago

Brighton

A xmas one for people in Kent...

“Chris Rea’s family are heartbroken after eyewitnesses see him merging onto the M20”

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By *issmorganWoman over a year ago

Calderdale innit

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What should you say to comfort the grammar police?

There, they're, their.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A wedding occurred, just outside Glengormley in Newtownabbey. To keep tradition going, everyone got d*unk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other:

The Police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting. "Silence in Court."

The court room goes silent and Billy Smyth

(the best man) stands up and says. "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Billy to take the stand.

Billy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Newtownabbey wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says. "Okay."

"Well." Said Billy. "After had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song. When all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded. "God.. that must of hurt!"

Billy replies. "HURT! He broke three of my fingers."

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By *ung fun walesMan over a year ago

up the road

What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

“You get your palm red for free.

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Two kids at school talking about their dad's jobs.

Lucinda says "My dad is a ship's captain. He works for Cunard".

Johnny replies "My dad is a dustman and he works quite hard, too".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Piece of string walks into a bar.

Barman says sorry we don't serve string in here !

So he walks out ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up then walks back into the bar!

Barman says I thought I told you that we don't serve string here.

String reply. sorry, I'm afraid not

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went for a job in a mirror factory ..

They asked me why I wanted the job?

I said it's something I can see my self doing!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Rick Astley rang me up the other day.

He said can you lend me some disney dvds?

I said you can have frozen one and two but I'm never gonna give you up!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two fish were swimming along when suddenly they hit a concrete wall. One fish turns to the over and says “damn!”

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By *antiepaulaTV/TS over a year ago

Helston

Matt Hancock has reduced the social distancing from 2m to minus 4"...

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By *VineMan over a year ago

The right place

What type of cheese is best to use if you want to disguise a small horse?

Mascarpone

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

WELSH FRICTION

The Scene:

John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson sitting in car talking. (Pulp Fiction

music fades off...)

S: OK, so tell me again about the Welsh.

J: Whaddya wanna know?

S: Bestiality is legal there, right?

J: Yeah, it's legal, but it ain't a 100% legal. I mean you can't just walk

into a field, pick up a sheep and start pumpin' away. They want you to f*ck

sheep in your home or certain designated places.

S: And those are valleys?

J: OK, it breaks down like this: it's legal to buy a sheep, it's legal to

own a sheep, and if you're a farmer it's legal to sell or loan sheep, it's

ILLEGAL to f*ck sheep in public but...but...but that doesn't matter 'cos,

getta loada this, the police in Wales are too stupid to notice you've got a

sheep hanging off your dick. I mean that's one intellect the police in Wales

DON'T have.

S: Aw man. I'm not goin', that's all there is to it, I'm never f*ckin'

goin'.

J: Nah man, you'd hate it the most. But do you know what the funniest thing

about Wales is?

S: What?

J: It's the little differences, I mean they got the same kinda people over

there as we got here, but there they're a little different.

S: Example.

J: OK. You can walk into a movie theatre in Cardiff and order a measure of

, and I'm not talkin' about no white nose dust, I'm talkin' about a LUMP

of coal. And in Swansea you can buy coal in MacDonald's. Do you know what

they call a 1/4 pounder with cheese in Wales?

S: They don't call it a 1/4 pounder with cheese?

J: Nah man, they don't have fractions, they wouldn't know what the f*ck a

1/4 pounder is.

S: So whadda they call it?

J: (assumes Welsh accent) A "Ham and Cheese Sandwhichchchch".

S: A Ham and Cheese Sandwichchchchch?

J: That's right.

S: And whadda they call a Big Mac?

J: A Big Mac's a Big Mac, but there they call it a Bich Machch (accent

again).

S: (imitating accent badly) A Bichch Machchchchchchch?

(Both men laugh)

S: Whadda they call a Whopper?

J: I don't know, I didn't go outside. Do you know what they put on French

Fries in Swansea instead of ketchup?

S: What?

J: Coal.

S: Aw man... J: I've seen 'em do it man, they f*ckin' drown 'em in that

sh*t.

(cue music and fade...)

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By *ilverjagMan over a year ago

swansea

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?

A head banger

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I walked in on my roommate wanking the other day, next time I’ll just wank in my room

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