FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Inappropriateness number 2 (work colleague)
Inappropriateness number 2 (work colleague)
Jump to: Newest in thread
 |
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Ok so I where I work is a massive warehouse with 4 floors and it’s like a greenhouse there at the moment and it gets hotter the higher the floor you’re on. People have been wearing shorts and t shirt and there’s a policy, nothing too revealing, no offensive slogans atc. The girls have been wearing cycling shorts so that’s what I had on Saturday with a baggy t shirt.
I was up on the 4th floor right in the corner where there’s barely anyone else around and there was this guy in his late forties I’d say, a big guy, tall and he’s Somalian. I had to pass him and as I did he says you look very sexy, I said that’s rather inappropriate and I walked off. Few moments later and I have to pass him again (no control over what areas I can be in, my scanner tells me what section I need to be in). He’s there again, he says sorry, I said it’s fine but its boiling in here and I’m not here to be leered at. He then said again but you are very sexy. Like wtf. I said you’re lucky we are in work cos outside of work I’d be losing my shit.
I thought I was fine but it just have bothered me that night because I felt conscious of him being around. I saw him again but didn’t want to walk passed him or be in front of him whilst I was walking because I felt like I didn’t want him looking at me. I know that’s such a weird thing to say but I can’t articulate what the feeling was, like I know people have free will to look at whoever they want and I can’t stop that it was just because of his comment, the way it was said and it was just I dunno, it was just a feeling like I didn’t want him to look at my arse or anything when I was walking.
Again thoughts and opinions on whether this incident was inappropriate or is it just because I’m now 4 months into my counselling and I’m becoming very guarded and less tolerant to stuff. Basically I wanna know if what I felt was normal or if I’m being hyper sensitive towards things now. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Totally inappropriate for him to say that to you and the fact he said it again after you had told him it was inappropriate is even worse. I'm not surprised you felt uncomfortable, I'd say that's a totally normal reaction.
K |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Sounds totally inappropriate. You did the right thing, and you should now avoid him where possible.
This isnt as clear cut as the other one which, if not illegal, was clearly in breach of his code of practice.
With this one he has plausible deniability "was just complimenting her, sorry. I'm a bad flirt". I think you should park this one for now but remain vigilant.
But write down the dates and times. If it happens again report it to your line manager, particularly if it escalates. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I would accept and say thanks if he will be less sexist like telling you "you like nice, these colours suit you"
Nothing wrong to say a compliment
But he went too far my dear.
No, you arent sensitive. It should have not happened.
Did you tell him you felt uncomfortable?
Some men think its okay to say this kind of compliment and has to be told its not.
I personally dont have any problem if workmates telling me I look great in green dress but red is not my colour. Thats okay, and nothing sexual really
Some people just dont think what they say... He said that twice so seems he was checking on your reactions... Provoking you maybe?
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
1 heat does things to people: he should be used to it
2 not really the done thing at work
3 He should have listened and apologised.
4 How should a guy compliment a women, if he fancies her, without raising her heckles?
5 heat and work will stress you out, I've worked in factories hothouses, kitchens and lorries without air con and sometimes you do feel attracted to someone
6 maybe you are right about the counselling as your empathy calibration isn't complete yet and hopefully that will settle over time as you progress through your training
7 would it be different if the roles were reversed?
Finally is this the right place for me to say something nice about you?  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
You've told him after the first time he did it that it was inappropriate so he did it immediately a second time which becomes a disciplinary offence.
You're well within your rights to take it to HR as you are not the only person there wearing such clothing so it is deemed as normal allowable work wear (it is gym wear and quite normal) and HR should be doing something about it.
A word with your line manager is your first port of call who should be obliged to have a word with him and also make note of it happening.
What happens then is up to your company if you choose not to take it any further but also if you do decide to press I further then they should either be backing you up or sorting out an appropriate work wear policy for the future.
You responded appropriately too so you have that in your favour should you choose to take it further. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
First off, make no apologies for what you are wearing, if you look attractive good for you.
I think once is OK personally. Its not professional but its hardly the trait of a stalker. To do it again after you told him is not good at all. If it happens again you have to report it |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *adMerWoman
over a year ago
Sandwich |
"Many men don't realise that what they say and how they behave can be really creepy. He probably thought it was a compliment and you'd be flattered."
Many men don’t care how they make women feel. Theirs are the only feelings that matter.
I hasten to add that there are also lots of lovely caring men out there too. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Many men don't realise that what they say and how they behave can be really creepy. He probably thought it was a compliment and you'd be flattered.
Many men don’t care how they make women feel. Theirs are the only feelings that matter.
I hasten to add that there are also lots of lovely caring men out there too."
Who thanks to others actions, sometimes find it nigh on impossible to say hello. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
"
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said. "
Thanks Annie, that makes it much more clear.
You report it calmly tomorrow. First thing. Make an appointment. Say exactly what you've said here. It made you uncomfortable and you don't want it to happen again.
Do the men wear shorts too ? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Many men don't realise that what they say and how they behave can be really creepy. He probably thought it was a compliment and you'd be flattered.
Many men don’t care how they make women feel. Theirs are the only feelings that matter.
I hasten to add that there are also lots of lovely caring men out there too."
 to both statements  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said. "
I think you massively over reacted
R |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *adMerWoman
over a year ago
Sandwich |
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R"
Jesus really?!!
No wonder many men think they can get away with it with attitudes like that!! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R"
Are you joking? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Op - you should make a complaint. I would have felt extremely uncomfortable too, you told him it wasn’t ok, and he still did it again.
However, it sounds like the progress you’re making on your boundaries is going well - yay! It takes a very long time and a lot of perseverance to do that. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
Jesus really?!!
No wonder many men think they can get away with it with attitudes like that!!"
 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
Are you joking? "
No. If someone in work said I was sexy, or attractive I'd say thank you, move on and carry on with my work
R |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Just be careful, like someone has said above document times & dates. As currently it’s your word against his unless someone has seen it.
Different to your other issue where you have 100% proof. As it’s been mentioned it’s gross misconduct so your work would more than likely need proof before they could sack him |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
Are you joking?
No. If someone in work said I was sexy, or attractive I'd say thank you, move on and carry on with my work
R"
This is only true the 1st time. The 1st comment was fine.
But if she’s asked them not to and they do it again? That’s bad |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
Thanks Annie, that makes it much more clear.
You report it calmly tomorrow. First thing. Make an appointment. Say exactly what you've said here. It made you uncomfortable and you don't want it to happen again.
"
This is so, so clear now, print it off and hand it over to the HR people/management as that is done without putting anymore emotional strain on yourself.
Hope you can switch off and sleep well tonight. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
Are you joking?
No. If someone in work said I was sexy, or attractive I'd say thank you, move on and carry on with my work
R
This is only true the 1st time. The 1st comment was fine.
But if she’s asked them not to and they do it again? That’s bad "
The first comment was fine but she swore at him and called him a prick. He then apologised...twice. she then threatened him with violence. He then said but you are sexy. She then caused a scene. Yip I'm sticking with an over reaction
R |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
Are you joking?
No. If someone in work said I was sexy, or attractive I'd say thank you, move on and carry on with my work
R
This is only true the 1st time. The 1st comment was fine.
But if she’s asked them not to and they do it again? That’s bad
The first comment was fine but she swore at him and called him a prick. He then apologised...twice. she then threatened him with violence. He then said but you are sexy. She then caused a scene. Yip I'm sticking with an over reaction
R"
So she’s in the wrong for overreacting, but not him for his behaviour? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
Are you joking?
No. If someone in work said I was sexy, or attractive I'd say thank you, move on and carry on with my work
R
This is only true the 1st time. The 1st comment was fine.
But if she’s asked them not to and they do it again? That’s bad
The first comment was fine but she swore at him and called him a prick. He then apologised...twice. she then threatened him with violence. He then said but you are sexy. She then caused a scene. Yip I'm sticking with an over reaction
R
So she’s in the wrong for overreacting, but not him for his behaviour? "
She swore, threatened and caused a scene over a compliment. I think she is in the wrong yes
R |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
So where is the line in flirting these days?
If this was a hot guy she fancied at work there wouldn’t be a thread.
But because it wasn’t a guy she fancied there’s a thread and people are suggesting he should potentially lose his job.
Where do we draw the line? I know plenty of relationships that started from flirting at work.
It seems a weird world to live in where the exact same thing can result in either a date/relationship or termination from you job depending on how attractive you are |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Bottom line: this guy has harassed you because he has created a hostile, intimidating environment for you by commenting on your appearance. That may not have been his intention but that is the end result and he has aggravated his conduct by repeating it.
In terms of action, for a first offence, I would expect it to be dealt with firmly but informally through a supervisor reiterating expectations of appropriate boundaries so there is no repeat of this behaviour. It shouldn't be necessary to go through HR unless management won't support you.
Clearly, if he has made similar comments to others, more serious action should be taken. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Mediation.
Education.
Rectification.
Resolution.
An percieved innocent enough comment when unwelcome and uninvited, particularly in the workplace, is inappropriate. Escalating this to a manager seems the most appropriate step to take, giving your colleague a chance to understand that his comments were not welcome and he should treat colleagues with respect.
If the man had been the hottest bloke in the building and he gave you a wide on with just a look, it wouldn't change the fact it was inappropriate for the workplace.
Companies should have robust policies for dealing with inapropriate behaviours and you should follow the policy, just to protect yourself if things escalate.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Would your response have been different if the guy was different? There are some fellas who can get away, and get away well, saying things that would get another fella locked up. It’s often down not to what they say but how they say it and if they look like Brad Pitt it helps!.
I know I would feel very differently being called sexy by an over weight older lady with broken teeth than a youthful athletic lady with model looks.. though I would be happy hearing it from anyone lol
I think to allow one complement to upset you probably is being too hypersensitive but once you made it absolutely clear you won’t stand for such an interaction it shouldn’t be repeated. Now sadly us men can be a dumb breed so sometimes being told twice is required for it to sink in, but no more than that.
There is a contradiction in you, on the one hand you say you don’t want to be leered at at work yet on the other hand you have profile pictures on here showing yourself off. Is it possible you unconsciously give off similar mixed messages in your workplace?
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R"
I don't.
In fact, I think she should go further. Like straight to HR and report the incident.
I remember companies giving talks and showing videos about sexual harrasment in the workplace back in the 90's, so I'm sorry, but him making the comment the first time can't be brushed off as if he didn't know.
The fact that after telling him it's inappropriate, he then does it again - I'd have been straight off to HR.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Would your response have been different if the guy was different? There are some fellas who can get away, and get away well, saying things that would get another fella locked up. It’s often down not to what they say but how they say it and if they look like Brad Pitt it helps!.
I know I would feel very differently being called sexy by an over weight older lady with broken teeth than a youthful athletic lady with model looks.. though I would be happy hearing it from anyone lol
I think to allow one complement to upset you probably is being too hypersensitive but once you made it absolutely clear you won’t stand for such an interaction it shouldn’t be repeated. Now sadly us men can be a dumb breed so sometimes being told twice is required for it to sink in, but no more than that.
There is a contradiction in you, on the one hand you say you don’t want to be leered at at work yet on the other hand you have profile pictures on here showing yourself off. Is it possible you unconsciously give off similar mixed messages in your workplace?
"
I think this video gives the answers you're looking for
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxuUkYiaUc8 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
I don't.
In fact, I think she should go further. Like straight to HR and report the incident.
I remember companies giving talks and showing videos about sexual harrasment in the workplace back in the 90's, so I'm sorry, but him making the comment the first time can't be brushed off as if he didn't know.
The fact that after telling him it's inappropriate, he then does it again - I'd have been straight off to HR.
"
Agree totally, that reminds me I've got some equality courses coming up |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Would your response have been different if the guy was different? There are some fellas who can get away, and get away well, saying things that would get another fella locked up. It’s often down not to what they say but how they say it and if they look like Brad Pitt it helps!.
I know I would feel very differently being called sexy by an over weight older lady with broken teeth than a youthful athletic lady with model looks.. though I would be happy hearing it from anyone lol
I think to allow one complement to upset you probably is being too hypersensitive but once you made it absolutely clear you won’t stand for such an interaction it shouldn’t be repeated. Now sadly us men can be a dumb breed so sometimes being told twice is required for it to sink in, but no more than that.
There is a contradiction in you, on the one hand you say you don’t want to be leered at at work yet on the other hand you have profile pictures on here showing yourself off. Is it possible you unconsciously give off similar mixed messages in your workplace?
"
There’s a vast difference between here and the workplace. Victim blaming is not helpful |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"So where is the line in flirting these days?
If this was a hot guy she fancied at work there wouldn’t be a thread.
But because it wasn’t a guy she fancied there’s a thread and people are suggesting he should potentially lose his job.
Where do we draw the line? I know plenty of relationships that started from flirting at work.
It seems a weird world to live in where the exact same thing can result in either a date/relationship or termination from you job depending on how attractive you are "
Agree with you again.
Why does everything have to be run to hr or amount to harassment. If this was going on and on and on, then yes I'd agree it was harassment.
He said something inappropriate at work. Yes he shouldn't have repeated it as his excuse for saying it on the first place, he's just trying it on, is it a dismissal offence. I don't think so. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"So where is the line in flirting these days?
If this was a hot guy she fancied at work there wouldn’t be a thread.
But because it wasn’t a guy she fancied there’s a thread and people are suggesting he should potentially lose his job.
Where do we draw the line? I know plenty of relationships that started from flirting at work.
It seems a weird world to live in where the exact same thing can result in either a date/relationship or termination from you job depending on how attractive you are
Agree with you again.
Why does everything have to be run to hr or amount to harassment. If this was going on and on and on, then yes I'd agree it was harassment.
He said something inappropriate at work. Yes he shouldn't have repeated it as his excuse for saying it on the first place, he's just trying it on, is it a dismissal offence. I don't think so. "
I actually think the 2nd comment means she should go to HR because she’s asked him to stop.
But sometimes I ask myself, would their opinion be different if it was Tom Hardy that did it?
SNL did a funny skit with Tom Brady about the same thing. Sometimes the line between flirting and harassment is how hot you are. And that’s not right |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So where is the line in flirting these days?
If this was a hot guy she fancied at work there wouldn’t be a thread.
But because it wasn’t a guy she fancied there’s a thread and people are suggesting he should potentially lose his job.
Where do we draw the line? I know plenty of relationships that started from flirting at work.
It seems a weird world to live in where the exact same thing can result in either a date/relationship or termination from you job depending on how attractive you are
Agree with you again.
Why does everything have to be run to hr or amount to harassment. If this was going on and on and on, then yes I'd agree it was harassment.
He said something inappropriate at work. Yes he shouldn't have repeated it as his excuse for saying it on the first place, he's just trying it on, is it a dismissal offence. I don't think so. "
What’s the alternative though? That women don’t feel safe at work, and feel they can’t report it? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"So where is the line in flirting these days?
If this was a hot guy she fancied at work there wouldn’t be a thread.
But because it wasn’t a guy she fancied there’s a thread and people are suggesting he should potentially lose his job.
Where do we draw the line? I know plenty of relationships that started from flirting at work.
It seems a weird world to live in where the exact same thing can result in either a date/relationship or termination from you job depending on how attractive you are
Agree with you again.
Why does everything have to be run to hr or amount to harassment. If this was going on and on and on, then yes I'd agree it was harassment.
He said something inappropriate at work. Yes he shouldn't have repeated it as his excuse for saying it on the first place, he's just trying it on, is it a dismissal offence. I don't think so. "
It's not a dismissal offence - but he has made a gratuitous comment about a workmate's appearance that has made her uncomfortable so some corrective action should be taken. Unless he is a serial offender, that needn't involve HR necessarily. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Oh lord.
To answer the earlier question yes the men also wear shorts but think football shorts, Bermuda shorts, cargo shorts all to the knee or there abouts.
I’ve tried a number of styles of shorts, my online shopping has taken a hammering and I’ve returned loads of items (one of the reasons I was returning things in Asda!) I’m short myself, 5’3 and wear a 30” leg trouser so lots of shorts that were meant to be a over the knee actually went below and in work I do a lot of bending down to reach things from low heights and the cargo material type shorts were cutting into me. Cycling shorts seemed to be the easiest option for comfort and cooler (temperature wise, not cool for cats).
Also me having pictures on here I’m expecting comments about my appearance but when I was up on the 4th floor with no one else around and in that situation I felt like I was trapped as he didn’t make effort to move to the side despite COVID restrictions saying that his job title is supposed to move for my job title as I’m on a timer and deadline whereas he isn’t and him saying I’m sexy which means sexually attractive it just felt off. I can’t help how it made me feel. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So where is the line in flirting these days?
If this was a hot guy she fancied at work there wouldn’t be a thread.
But because it wasn’t a guy she fancied there’s a thread and people are suggesting he should potentially lose his job.
Where do we draw the line? I know plenty of relationships that started from flirting at work.
It seems a weird world to live in where the exact same thing can result in either a date/relationship or termination from you job depending on how attractive you are "
I think that saying someone is sexy is not an appropriate workplace comment - but if it had just been a one time thing, I could put it down to someone not thinking with their big head and being a bit stupid. Not an offence that needs to be over-reacted to.
She made it clear that his comment made her uncomfortable. Instead of being apologetic and learning from it, he chose to be dismissive and repeat it. That's where he crossed a big fucking line. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"So where is the line in flirting these days?
If this was a hot guy she fancied at work there wouldn’t be a thread.
But because it wasn’t a guy she fancied there’s a thread and people are suggesting he should potentially lose his job.
Where do we draw the line? I know plenty of relationships that started from flirting at work.
It seems a weird world to live in where the exact same thing can result in either a date/relationship or termination from you job depending on how attractive you are
Agree with you again.
Why does everything have to be run to hr or amount to harassment. If this was going on and on and on, then yes I'd agree it was harassment.
He said something inappropriate at work. Yes he shouldn't have repeated it as his excuse for saying it on the first place, he's just trying it on, is it a dismissal offence. I don't think so.
I actually think the 2nd comment means she should go to HR because she’s asked him to stop.
But sometimes I ask myself, would their opinion be different if it was Tom Hardy that did it?
SNL did a funny skit with Tom Brady about the same thing. Sometimes the line between flirting and harassment is how hot you are. And that’s not right "
I partially agree. 100% see your point but there are other factors too.
Yes Tom Hardy would have a much higher chance of getting away with it compared to me. But not to say he would get away without some blowback - the comments need to be wanted in the first place.
I've known plenty of highly attractive guys shot down for saying the wrong compliments. Time, place, situation. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"So where is the line in flirting these days?
If this was a hot guy she fancied at work there wouldn’t be a thread.
But because it wasn’t a guy she fancied there’s a thread and people are suggesting he should potentially lose his job.
Where do we draw the line? I know plenty of relationships that started from flirting at work.
It seems a weird world to live in where the exact same thing can result in either a date/relationship or termination from you job depending on how attractive you are
I think that saying someone is sexy is not an appropriate workplace comment - but if it had just been a one time thing, I could put it down to someone not thinking with their big head and being a bit stupid. Not an offence that needs to be over-reacted to.
She made it clear that his comment made her uncomfortable. Instead of being apologetic and learning from it, he chose to be dismissive and repeat it. That's where he crossed a big fucking line."
Completely agree, I was just raising the question itself. Where is that line?
A lot of people on here seem to thinking a flirty comment is grounds for castration if it made the other person feel uncomfortable.
In 20 years your gonna have to submit written application to talk to anyone and everything has to be recorded to protect everyone’s feelings. We’re eroding what it means to be human with overly aggressive actions towards sometimes harmless and misplaced flirting.
But yeah I agree, this guy crossed the line with his 2nd comment. If someone says stop, you stop |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"So where is the line in flirting these days?
If this was a hot guy she fancied at work there wouldn’t be a thread.
But because it wasn’t a guy she fancied there’s a thread and people are suggesting he should potentially lose his job.
Where do we draw the line? I know plenty of relationships that started from flirting at work.
It seems a weird world to live in where the exact same thing can result in either a date/relationship or termination from you job depending on how attractive you are
Agree with you again.
Why does everything have to be run to hr or amount to harassment. If this was going on and on and on, then yes I'd agree it was harassment.
He said something inappropriate at work. Yes he shouldn't have repeated it as his excuse for saying it on the first place, he's just trying it on, is it a dismissal offence. I don't think so.
I actually think the 2nd comment means she should go to HR because she’s asked him to stop.
But sometimes I ask myself, would their opinion be different if it was Tom Hardy that did it?
SNL did a funny skit with Tom Brady about the same thing. Sometimes the line between flirting and harassment is how hot you are. And that’s not right I partially agree. 100% see your point but there are other factors too.
Yes Tom Hardy would have a much higher chance of getting away with it compared to me. But not to say he would get away without some blowback - the comments need to be wanted in the first place.
I've known plenty of highly attractive guys shot down for saying the wrong compliments. Time, place, situation. "
But you see my point?
Kinda weird how the exact same comment can’t result in a date or termination based on your attractiveness.
At the pub or on here you just get a polite no thanks, as you’d expect |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Oh lord.
To answer the earlier question yes the men also wear shorts but think football shorts, Bermuda shorts, cargo shorts all to the knee or there abouts.
I’ve tried a number of styles of shorts, my online shopping has taken a hammering and I’ve returned loads of items (one of the reasons I was returning things in Asda!) I’m short myself, 5’3 and wear a 30” leg trouser so lots of shorts that were meant to be a over the knee actually went below and in work I do a lot of bending down to reach things from low heights and the cargo material type shorts were cutting into me. Cycling shorts seemed to be the easiest option for comfort and cooler (temperature wise, not cool for cats).
Also me having pictures on here I’m expecting comments about my appearance but when I was up on the 4th floor with no one else around and in that situation I felt like I was trapped as he didn’t make effort to move to the side despite COVID restrictions saying that his job title is supposed to move for my job title as I’m on a timer and deadline whereas he isn’t and him saying I’m sexy which means sexually attractive it just felt off. I can’t help how it made me feel. "
You do not have to make excuses for how you feel. He was in the wrong, I hear you, an dice been there too. The way you feel is completely valid. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
Are you joking?
No. If someone in work said I was sexy, or attractive I'd say thank you, move on and carry on with my work
R
This is only true the 1st time. The 1st comment was fine.
But if she’s asked them not to and they do it again? That’s bad
The first comment was fine but she swore at him and called him a prick. He then apologised...twice. she then threatened him with violence. He then said but you are sexy. She then caused a scene. Yip I'm sticking with an over reaction
R"
I don’t want compliments though and I’m not going to be thankful for them when they’re not wanted in the first place. Just because a man says I’m sexy doesn’t mean I have to thank him for saying it. If he thought it then he should have just kept it to himself. If I had even stopped and said hello to him or engaged in any kind of conversation it wouldn’t be as bad as just blurting it out as I went passed him. All it did was make me feel uncomfortable knowing there was a man there thinking of me in a sexual way. Am I supposed to be grateful for that, fuck no.
Shouting at him, being aggressive was me trying to fluff up my feathers and show that it’s not welcome and I won’t stand for it.
Even if it was a guy that I found attractive I’d still think it was a bit weird for him to just come out and say it without any prior conversation or some interest shown from my part. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
Are you joking?
No. If someone in work said I was sexy, or attractive I'd say thank you, move on and carry on with my work
R
This is only true the 1st time. The 1st comment was fine.
But if she’s asked them not to and they do it again? That’s bad
The first comment was fine but she swore at him and called him a prick. He then apologised...twice. she then threatened him with violence. He then said but you are sexy. She then caused a scene. Yip I'm sticking with an over reaction
R
I don’t want compliments though and I’m not going to be thankful for them when they’re not wanted in the first place. Just because a man says I’m sexy doesn’t mean I have to thank him for saying it. If he thought it then he should have just kept it to himself. If I had even stopped and said hello to him or engaged in any kind of conversation it wouldn’t be as bad as just blurting it out as I went passed him. All it did was make me feel uncomfortable knowing there was a man there thinking of me in a sexual way. Am I supposed to be grateful for that, fuck no.
Shouting at him, being aggressive was me trying to fluff up my feathers and show that it’s not welcome and I won’t stand for it.
Even if it was a guy that I found attractive I’d still think it was a bit weird for him to just come out and say it without any prior conversation or some interest shown from my part. "
Well said report the guy hope he gets fired inappropriate behaviour gross miss conduct |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
Are you joking?
No. If someone in work said I was sexy, or attractive I'd say thank you, move on and carry on with my work
R
This is only true the 1st time. The 1st comment was fine.
But if she’s asked them not to and they do it again? That’s bad
The first comment was fine but she swore at him and called him a prick. He then apologised...twice. she then threatened him with violence. He then said but you are sexy. She then caused a scene. Yip I'm sticking with an over reaction
R
I don’t want compliments though and I’m not going to be thankful for them when they’re not wanted in the first place. Just because a man says I’m sexy doesn’t mean I have to thank him for saying it. If he thought it then he should have just kept it to himself. If I had even stopped and said hello to him or engaged in any kind of conversation it wouldn’t be as bad as just blurting it out as I went passed him. All it did was make me feel uncomfortable knowing there was a man there thinking of me in a sexual way. Am I supposed to be grateful for that, fuck no.
Shouting at him, being aggressive was me trying to fluff up my feathers and show that it’s not welcome and I won’t stand for it.
Even if it was a guy that I found attractive I’d still think it was a bit weird for him to just come out and say it without any prior conversation or some interest shown from my part. "
I had a hair cut, loads of people commented and complimented my new do over the last couple of days. I didn't invite the compliments or comments but they gave me them, some blurting them as I walked by. Don't see what the massive deal is. You closed it down. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
Are you joking?
No. If someone in work said I was sexy, or attractive I'd say thank you, move on and carry on with my work
R
This is only true the 1st time. The 1st comment was fine.
But if she’s asked them not to and they do it again? That’s bad
The first comment was fine but she swore at him and called him a prick. He then apologised...twice. she then threatened him with violence. He then said but you are sexy. She then caused a scene. Yip I'm sticking with an over reaction
R
I don’t want compliments though and I’m not going to be thankful for them when they’re not wanted in the first place. Just because a man says I’m sexy doesn’t mean I have to thank him for saying it. If he thought it then he should have just kept it to himself. If I had even stopped and said hello to him or engaged in any kind of conversation it wouldn’t be as bad as just blurting it out as I went passed him. All it did was make me feel uncomfortable knowing there was a man there thinking of me in a sexual way. Am I supposed to be grateful for that, fuck no.
Shouting at him, being aggressive was me trying to fluff up my feathers and show that it’s not welcome and I won’t stand for it.
Even if it was a guy that I found attractive I’d still think it was a bit weird for him to just come out and say it without any prior conversation or some interest shown from my part.
I had a hair cut, loads of people commented and complimented my new do over the last couple of days. I didn't invite the compliments or comments but they gave me them, some blurting them as I walked by. Don't see what the massive deal is. You closed it down. "
That’s reward for your effort then as you purposely did something to make you feel/look better and then received confirmation vis the compliments.
We’re they from strangers or people you know or have interacted with? I’m assuming people you’ve seen previously as they are the only ones that would notice your haircut was new.
I’d never seen this guy before, he was a stranger to me, I hadn’t done anything to my appearance in the hole to get recognition for it.
Also when I’ve just been to the hairdressers and people compliment my hair I also appreciate that. This is different. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"
I had a hair cut, loads of people commented and complimented my new do over the last couple of days. I didn't invite the compliments or comments but they gave me them, some blurting them as I walked by. Don't see what the massive deal is. You closed it down. "
You're not comparing like with like. Compliments on a haircut are not the same as comments on how sexually appealing someone finds you. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Soo many errors in that previous post!"
Yeah from work colleagues, so I do know them. And I see your point that it was a stranger with you.
In his head he might just think he's complimenting you with his comments, like someone else would do for a new hairstyle.
I don't think it's right what he did since it was at work, I just don't think it should be a sacking. You put him in his place.
I try not to let other people affect me. They got their shit, I got my shit. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Oh lord.
To answer the earlier question yes the men also wear shorts but think football shorts, Bermuda shorts, cargo shorts all to the knee or there abouts.
I’ve tried a number of styles of shorts, my online shopping has taken a hammering and I’ve returned loads of items (one of the reasons I was returning things in Asda!) I’m short myself, 5’3 and wear a 30” leg trouser so lots of shorts that were meant to be a over the knee actually went below and in work I do a lot of bending down to reach things from low heights and the cargo material type shorts were cutting into me. Cycling shorts seemed to be the easiest option for comfort and cooler (temperature wise, not cool for cats).
Also me having pictures on here I’m expecting comments about my appearance but when I was up on the 4th floor with no one else around and in that situation I felt like I was trapped as he didn’t make effort to move to the side despite COVID restrictions saying that his job title is supposed to move for my job title as I’m on a timer and deadline whereas he isn’t and him saying I’m sexy which means sexually attractive it just felt off. I can’t help how it made me feel. "
Honestly, none of us where there, none of us saw the event, none of us felt how you felt, none of us can really give you a definitive answer. I can see how the situation as described might have been innocent and I can see how it may have not. I can certainly understand how it was unsettling. What really matters is how you felt and how that can be expressed without necessarily turning the accused into a victim too. Have you considered self defense classes to give you the confidence that you can protect yourself if the worst should ever happen |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"
I had a hair cut, loads of people commented and complimented my new do over the last couple of days. I didn't invite the compliments or comments but they gave me them, some blurting them as I walked by. Don't see what the massive deal is. You closed it down.
You're not comparing like with like. Compliments on a haircut are not the same as comments on how sexually appealing someone finds you."
Of course not 1:1. My point was they were still uninvited comments and compliments about my appearance. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You said. That's rather inappropriate. I've no idea what tone you said it in though.
Then, when he apologised you said ........ It's okay......
You then said .... Good job we are in work cos if we'd been outside i'd be losing my shit.
To me .... both of those statements are acquiescent
It's WRONG in work. More so than outside.
What does it matter if he is Somalian or from Chelsea ?
I'd say speak firmly to him but there's no way of knowing how he'd take it. I'd mention it to a supervisor without making too much of it and ask for confidentiality so that they can have a 'word' with him. Also mention to your supervisor that it makes you uncomfortable and if it happens again you want their assurance that they fulfil any obligation they have to your safety at work.
P.S. What do the men wear ? Are they in shorts too ? Some of them ?
I’ve been told in the past that I’m blunt and have a slightly aggressive tone even when I’m being what I consider to be nice, so in that instance where I did feel it was massively inappropriate I’d say I wasn’t saying it in a playful tone.
If I was to rewrite the encounter but do it verbatim it would be like this.
Shuffle shuffle me having to walk passed him in a slightly enclosed space where he didn’t make effort to move. As I’m passing him he said “you look very sexy” me having just passed him saying, that’s fucking inappropriate, walks off even further, mutter under my breath and my mask, prick.
Moments pass, I see him again he says I’m sorry, what I said earlier, I’m sorry.
I said it’s fine but I’ve got shorts on cos it’s boiling in here, I don’t come to work to be fucking leered at. He said I’m sorry but you’re very sexy.
I could feel myself bubbling then, very aware that there’s cameras everywhere, I said mate you’re lucky we’re in work cos if this happened outside I’d fucking lose my shit, meaning that I couldn’t react with the same rage had I not been in my works environment. I was loud when I said it, loud enough for one of the girls I know to come over to where I was and as I walking towards her she was asking what all the shouting was, within earshot of the guy and through my mask I told her what he said.
I think you massively over reacted
R
Are you joking?
No. If someone in work said I was sexy, or attractive I'd say thank you, move on and carry on with my work
R"
They would be sacked in my place of work |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
You report it calmly tomorrow. First thing. Make an appointment. Say exactly what you've said here. It made you uncomfortable and you don't want it to happen again.
Do the men wear shorts too ? "
Granny's advice is spot on |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Have you considered self defense classes to give you the confidence that you can protect yourself if the worst should ever happen"
I’ve been kickboxing since I was 9. 2nd Dan black belt, also P4 grade in Krav Maga also riot training, restraining and self defence via the prison service where I previously worked for a number of years as a PCO.
No amount of self defence would make you immune to an attack as it’s your own body and brains response to a situation, are you going to be a flight, flight or freezer. It would be stupid for a woman to believe 100% that she could fight off a man who had sinister intentions.
I am confident that I could kick most peoples heads in and can handle myself and I’ve been very scrappy in my past and never been one to shy away from fights back in the day. But all that is irrelevant. It still made me feel uncomfortable. On that day after all was said when I saw him later on there was an area I needed to get to which would have involved me having to walk in his view and I felt like I didn’t want his eyes on me, felt like I wanted to go home and put a pair of jogging bottoms on and a hoody which would have been sweltering but I felt like I didn’t want to be seen. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
" Again thoughts and opinions on whether this incident was inappropriate or is it just because I’m now 4 months into my counselling and I’m becoming very guarded and less tolerant to stuff. Basically I wanna know if what I felt was normal or if I’m being hyper sensitive towards things now."
I feel like this didn’t get enough emphasis/empathy.
Clearly this guy made you feel uncomfortable, but you are doubting yourself a bit because of what’s gone on in your life.
I think you’re trying to compensate for cultural and language differences and you’re trying to cut him some slack?
Thing is, you’ve explained what the problem is. If he continues then I think you’d be justified in escalating it.
Any HR dept worth their salt would side with you in a harassment case. Because that’s what it is.
Just be aware that this can be a difficult process for everyone involved. Better if he understands this is it ok and stops doing it.
He may well see it as a compliment, but it’s not ok for him to make you uncomfortable like that. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm sexy. There ... I said it. Get over it.
If you was too sexy for your shirt, or even so sexy it hurts, I would understand. But plain old I'm sexy....Not cutting it for me. Jus sayin. "
You're right. I undersold myself ......
When I walk in the spot, (yeah), this is what I see (Okay)
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it
(Show it, show it, show it)
I'm sexy and I know it |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Ok so I where I work is a massive warehouse with 4 floors and it’s like a greenhouse there at the moment and it gets hotter the higher the floor you’re on. People have been wearing shorts and t shirt and there’s a policy, nothing too revealing, no offensive slogans atc. The girls have been wearing cycling shorts so that’s what I had on Saturday with a baggy t shirt.
I was up on the 4th floor right in the corner where there’s barely anyone else around and there was this guy in his late forties I’d say, a big guy, tall and he’s Somalian. I had to pass him and as I did he says you look very sexy, I said that’s rather inappropriate and I walked off. Few moments later and I have to pass him again (no control over what areas I can be in, my scanner tells me what section I need to be in). He’s there again, he says sorry, I said it’s fine but its boiling in here and I’m not here to be leered at. He then said again but you are very sexy. Like wtf. I said you’re lucky we are in work cos outside of work I’d be losing my shit.
I thought I was fine but it just have bothered me that night because I felt conscious of him being around. I saw him again but didn’t want to walk passed him or be in front of him whilst I was walking because I felt like I didn’t want him looking at me. I know that’s such a weird thing to say but I can’t articulate what the feeling was, like I know people have free will to look at whoever they want and I can’t stop that it was just because of his comment, the way it was said and it was just I dunno, it was just a feeling like I didn’t want him to look at my arse or anything when I was walking.
Again thoughts and opinions on whether this incident was inappropriate or is it just because I’m now 4 months into my counselling and I’m becoming very guarded and less tolerant to stuff. Basically I wanna know if what I felt was normal or if I’m being hyper sensitive towards things now. "
100% innapropriate |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
