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Ideal beach body
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So summer is approaching, it's sunny and somehow I'm supposed to get beach ready? Whatever the heck that actually means.
Surely the best beach body would have mean I'd have a sand repellent vulva or something? Blinking sand gets everywhere, so fellow forumites what ultimate beach ready body modifications would you want?
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"So summer is approaching, it's sunny and somehow I'm supposed to get beach ready? Whatever the heck that actually means.
Surely the best beach body would have mean I'd have a sand repellent vulva or something? Blinking sand gets everywhere, so fellow forumites what ultimate beach ready body modifications would you want?
"
I'd want a 1inch forcefield all around me so no sand can actually touch me and that forcefield also guarantees me a tan, not burning to a crisp in 3 minutes on one side and ending up looking like a walking crabstick  |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
Some sort of automatic assassination device to locks on to people who drop, or leave their litter and beach day shite instead of taking it to the bin or home with them.
As a dog owner, this would also target the owners of dogs who do not pick up their dog shit on beaches too. |
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"Some sort of automatic assassination device to locks on to people who drop, or leave their litter and beach day shite instead of taking it to the bin or home with them.
As a dog owner, this would also target the owners of dogs who do not pick up their dog shit on beaches too. "
Yup!
Seconded. |
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I'm going for the beached whale look 
Anyways, mods wise, I actually need wheelchair mods for pushing on sand - big, fat, but lightweight wheels. And I need extra melanin - I'm trans-fucking-lucent |
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"I'm going for the beached whale look
Anyways, mods wise, I actually need wheelchair mods for pushing on sand - big, fat, but lightweight wheels. And I need extra melanin - I'm trans-fucking-lucent "
Like those beach bikes? |
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"So summer is approaching, it's sunny and somehow I'm supposed to get beach ready? Whatever the heck that actually means.
Surely the best beach body would have mean I'd have a sand repellent vulva or something? Blinking sand gets everywhere, so fellow forumites what ultimate beach ready body modifications would you want?
I'd want a 1inch forcefield all around me so no sand can actually touch me and that forcefield also guarantees me a tan, not burning to a crisp in 3 minutes on one side and ending up looking like a walking crabstick "
Yes to a forcefield I have one burnt leg which is massively annoying the heck out of me. Mind a massive lobster claw to snap at people would be pretty cool too. |
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"I'm going for the beached whale look
Anyways, mods wise, I actually need wheelchair mods for pushing on sand - big, fat, but lightweight wheels. And I need extra melanin - I'm trans-fucking-lucent
Like those beach bikes? "
I'll confess to being unfamiliar with beach bikes 
Beach wheelchairs do exist but designed for others to push you in. I don't do getting pushed about, so I'll have the mods to my chair *insert strong arm emoji*  |
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"Some sort of automatic assassination device to locks on to people who drop, or leave their litter and beach day shite instead of taking it to the bin or home with them.
As a dog owner, this would also target the owners of dogs who do not pick up their dog shit on beaches too. "
Yes this so needs to be invented |
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"I'm going for the beached whale look
Anyways, mods wise, I actually need wheelchair mods for pushing on sand - big, fat, but lightweight wheels. And I need extra melanin - I'm trans-fucking-lucent
Like those beach bikes?
I'll confess to being unfamiliar with beach bikes
Beach wheelchairs do exist but designed for others to push you in. I don't do getting pushed about, so I'll have the mods to my chair *insert strong arm emoji* "
More power to you  |
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"I'm going for the beached whale look
Anyways, mods wise, I actually need wheelchair mods for pushing on sand - big, fat, but lightweight wheels. And I need extra melanin - I'm trans-fucking-lucent "
I don't mind being ghost like, just wish I didn't spontaneous combust as soon as I see the sun |
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"One that repels the people who sit right next to you on an otherwise empty beach. 
Can we add cinema to that...
...not wanting to hijack the thread or owt.  "
Or car parks as well, I don't do people I don't know keep away |
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"One that repels the people who sit right next to you on an otherwise empty beach.
Why do people do this seriously like? "
Lord only knows.
We were once on a completely deserted section of local beach, with deserted sections either side, I took the opportunity to slip all my clothes off. A family with several children came and sat within feet of us and I had to put my clothes back on  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Skin that doesn't react badly to sand  and to lose about half a stone so I actually feel comfortable wearing a bikini again. I can work on that bit, I have no control over my annoying skin unfortunately. |
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"Flip flops that can handle burning hot sand and clambering over pebbles and a 2 mile March to the nearest toilet/car park."
I definitely need a pair of those flip flops. Always end up with a blister somehow |
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"One that repels the people who sit right next to you on an otherwise empty beach.
Why do people do this seriously like?
Lord only knows.
We were once on a completely deserted section of local beach, with deserted sections either side, I took the opportunity to slip all my clothes off. A family with several children came and sat within feet of us and I had to put my clothes back on "
That is just annoying, you go out to get away from people and people invade your space grr |
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"Skin that doesn't react badly to sand and to lose about half a stone so I actually feel comfortable wearing a bikini again. I can work on that bit, I have no control over my annoying skin unfortunately. "
Oh that's not good about sand reacting with you skin. And you'd look mega hot in a bikini just saying |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An automatic transporter that activates as soon as I step foot upon the sand and puts me at least 5 miles inland. Soz kids, looks like mummy won't be taking you to the beach today! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some kind invisible camel hump... I always forget to drink and get sooooo dehydrated then can't enjoy the evening. Maybe because I tend to Skip the water for cocktails. |
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"So summer is approaching, it's sunny and somehow I'm supposed to get beach ready? Whatever the heck that actually means.
Surely the best beach body would have mean I'd have a sand repellent vulva or something? Blinking sand gets everywhere, so fellow forumites what ultimate beach ready body modifications would you want?
"
Just for the sand not to stick to me would be enough |
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"An automatic transporter that activates as soon as I step foot upon the sand and puts me at least 5 miles inland. Soz kids, looks like mummy won't be taking you to the beach today!"
Why do kids love the beach so much? What's wrong with a park? |
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"Some kind invisible camel hump... I always forget to drink and get sooooo dehydrated then can't enjoy the evening. Maybe because I tend to Skip the water for cocktails. "
I like the thought of a cocktail camel hump though  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Skin that doesn't react badly to sand and to lose about half a stone so I actually feel comfortable wearing a bikini again. I can work on that bit, I have no control over my annoying skin unfortunately.
Oh that's not good about sand reacting with you skin. And you'd look mega hot in a bikini just saying "
Hehe! Bless you  Can I have new skin though please? |
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"So summer is approaching, it's sunny and somehow I'm supposed to get beach ready? Whatever the heck that actually means.
Surely the best beach body would have mean I'd have a sand repellent vulva or something? Blinking sand gets everywhere, so fellow forumites what ultimate beach ready body modifications would you want?
Just for the sand not to stick to me would be enough "
Don't you like the sand exfoliating your skin? |
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"Skin that doesn't react badly to sand and to lose about half a stone so I actually feel comfortable wearing a bikini again. I can work on that bit, I have no control over my annoying skin unfortunately.
Oh that's not good about sand reacting with you skin. And you'd look mega hot in a bikini just saying
Hehe! Bless you Can I have new skin though please? "
Most definitely beautiful  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"An automatic transporter that activates as soon as I step foot upon the sand and puts me at least 5 miles inland. Soz kids, looks like mummy won't be taking you to the beach today!
Why do kids love the beach so much? What's wrong with a park? "
My kids don’t like the beach either, hooray!
It’s an occasional outing for us .
I think footwear that allows you to walk on the beach without pain! |
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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago
Derbyshire village |
"I'm going for the beached whale look
Anyways, mods wise, I actually need wheelchair mods for pushing on sand - big, fat, but lightweight wheels. And I need extra melanin - I'm trans-fucking-lucent
Like those beach bikes?
I'll confess to being unfamiliar with beach bikes
Beach wheelchairs do exist but designed for others to push you in. I don't do getting pushed about, so I'll have the mods to my chair *insert strong arm emoji* "
Hovercraft. You need a small hovercraft. This will also get rid of other people in the vicinity. |
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"An automatic transporter that activates as soon as I step foot upon the sand and puts me at least 5 miles inland. Soz kids, looks like mummy won't be taking you to the beach today!
Why do kids love the beach so much? What's wrong with a park?
My kids don’t like the beach either, hooray!
It’s an occasional outing for us .
I think footwear that allows you to walk on the beach without pain!"
I like the beach, generally at the winter though. Definitely need some webbed feet or something to make it easier to walk in the beach. |
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"I'm going for the beached whale look
Anyways, mods wise, I actually need wheelchair mods for pushing on sand - big, fat, but lightweight wheels. And I need extra melanin - I'm trans-fucking-lucent
Like those beach bikes?
I'll confess to being unfamiliar with beach bikes
Beach wheelchairs do exist but designed for others to push you in. I don't do getting pushed about, so I'll have the mods to my chair *insert strong arm emoji*
Hovercraft. You need a small hovercraft. This will also get rid of other people in the vicinity."
Liking this idea |
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"I personally want to get leaner and have a bit of muscle definition. I'm not after getting ripped.
Frida, your beach body is ready to go. If I saw you on the beach I'd definitely be ogling. Luke "
Haha thank you Luke. But I'd like skin that was resistant to UV rays and that shed to get rid of all the sand when I got to my car |
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"I'm going for the beached whale look
Anyways, mods wise, I actually need wheelchair mods for pushing on sand - big, fat, but lightweight wheels. And I need extra melanin - I'm trans-fucking-lucent
Like those beach bikes?
I'll confess to being unfamiliar with beach bikes
Beach wheelchairs do exist but designed for others to push you in. I don't do getting pushed about, so I'll have the mods to my chair *insert strong arm emoji*
Hovercraft. You need a small hovercraft. This will also get rid of other people in the vicinity."
What if my hovercraft becomes full of eels? Also I'll need at least a medium sized one. Possibly a large
*Heads to buyyourselfahovercraft dot com*
I'm not putting a pretend URL because..... Well. Just because |
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"I'm going for the beached whale look
Anyways, mods wise, I actually need wheelchair mods for pushing on sand - big, fat, but lightweight wheels. And I need extra melanin - I'm trans-fucking-lucent
Like those beach bikes?
I'll confess to being unfamiliar with beach bikes
Beach wheelchairs do exist but designed for others to push you in. I don't do getting pushed about, so I'll have the mods to my chair *insert strong arm emoji*
Hovercraft. You need a small hovercraft. This will also get rid of other people in the vicinity.
What if my hovercraft becomes full of eels? Also I'll need at least a medium sized one. Possibly a large
*Heads to buyyourselfahovercraft dot com*
I'm not putting a pretend URL because..... Well. Just because "
Depends if they were electric eels and could power the hovercraft? |
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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago
Derbyshire village |
"I'm going for the beached whale look
Anyways, mods wise, I actually need wheelchair mods for pushing on sand - big, fat, but lightweight wheels. And I need extra melanin - I'm trans-fucking-lucent
Like those beach bikes?
I'll confess to being unfamiliar with beach bikes
Beach wheelchairs do exist but designed for others to push you in. I don't do getting pushed about, so I'll have the mods to my chair *insert strong arm emoji*
Hovercraft. You need a small hovercraft. This will also get rid of other people in the vicinity.
What if my hovercraft becomes full of eels? Also I'll need at least a medium sized one. Possibly a large
*Heads to buyyourselfahovercraft dot com*
I'm not putting a pretend URL because..... Well. Just because "
Well, by "small" I meant "personal".
But not like dominos personal size pizzas. They're tiny.
You could have an eel tank if you want! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am usually hidden within my wetsuit on the beach with the top half undone and hanging at my waist. So only the top half of my swimsuit is ever on show.
Although I have bought a red halterneck swimsuit with a matching beach dress, it's a vintage style. Which means I would need to peel myself out of my wetsuit and that's not a sexy sight when you struggle to get your feet out and are falling over
Sod the ideals of the stereotypical beach body, just go and have fun peeps.
My nervousness is avoiding seals in the water... oh and whale sharks as I think I am going to be like Geppetto and pinocchio
NBVN x |
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"So summer is approaching, it's sunny and somehow I'm supposed to get beach ready? Whatever the heck that actually means.
Surely the best beach body would have mean I'd have a sand repellent vulva or something? Blinking sand gets everywhere, so fellow forumites what ultimate beach ready body modifications would you want?
Just for the sand not to stick to me would be enough
Don't you like the sand exfoliating your skin? "
Not in some places |
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"I personally want to get leaner and have a bit of muscle definition. I'm not after getting ripped.
Frida, your beach body is ready to go. If I saw you on the beach I'd definitely be ogling. Luke
Haha thank you Luke. But I'd like skin that was resistant to UV rays and that shed to get rid of all the sand when I got to my car "
Oh. I thought you were getting into OUR car.
Oops. Getting carried away.  |
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
Gills. I'd like gills so I can swim and breathe. Also, a silent dog repelling vibration so that no mutts stick their nose in my crotch whilst I'm staring wistfully out to sea.
On a cosmetic note I'd have skin that tans equally all over and at the same time doesnt allow sand to stick in any crevice, crack or surface.
I'd like to give out a scent that attracts people who want to buy me cocktails.
Beach body sorted.
|
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"Gills. I'd like gills so I can swim and breathe. Also, a silent dog repelling vibration so that no mutts stick their nose in my crotch whilst I'm staring wistfully out to sea.
On a cosmetic note I'd have skin that tans equally all over and at the same time doesnt allow sand to stick in any crevice, crack or surface.
I'd like to give out a scent that attracts people who want to buy me cocktails.
Beach body sorted.
"
This is my favourite one, gills would be super cool and definitely a good beach body adaptation. |
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