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Adorable arsehole
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Dear Loungers. Share your wisdom.
I have a friend who is adorable, yet an arsehole! He is driving me wild in both good and bad ways. I will share some examples. Adorable: he is there for my low moments and the highest, calls when I'm offline and checks on me, he looks at me with adoration and keeps me feeling safe, he has inspired me to do things I have abandoned and to take risks and try new and exciting challenges. He makes me laugh like a mad squirrel - bonus points. But there is an arsehole part too. He expects me to message him before I call but never returns the same favour, he wants me ideally to answer wherever I am but then at times disappears as needs time/space to himself. Its pretty rare he compliments my looks or efforts finding new outfits which is somewhat important, he is so nosey yet so reserved and so damn inconsistent between the highs and lows. My brain needs help deciding - do you give up the adoring part as struggle to tolerate the arsey bits or give them a chance? Have you got a similar friend like me? Are you attracted to unpredictable people? 
Thanks for getting through it.  |
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*for me* this would be my cue to get out of the involvement. I can see major red flags waving so I'd be walking away as fast as my heels allowed.
However, if you consider all that the bad bits imply worth the good bits keep on enjoying them |
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I would caution you on this kind of dynamic. It sounds a little all about him- he gets to be the hero and rescue you, and wants to be around when things are good. But in the everyday ness of ordinary living he isn’t to be seen.
That makes him unreliable and you a little vulnerable.
In the end I would spend more time looking inwards at why you’re attracted to or accepting of that dynamic. Look forward similar patterns of this elsewhere in your life eg as a kid with parents, former lovers- chances are you’re repeating something familiar to you hit not necessarily good for you.
In my own case it came down to drawing my own clearer boundaries of what I do and don’t accept as behaviour from others, making those clear to a partner and having the courage to walk away when they get consistently breached. Am still learning! Good luck |
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
I can see your dillema.
For me I can tolerate those little things if we can talk about it, laugh about it, get curious about the annoyances together and find ways to help each other.
If talking about or changing any of those things that would cause a drama and toxicity.. I'd uninvest.
X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I recall someone once saying to me, ‘distance applies to happiness’ - if you feel like it’s a relationship that keeps you happy then great. For me, it sounds like red flags within what you’ve said but it’s hard to know context. And I’d express yourself to him. For example, if someone was being nosey / asking more than I wished to share, or was indirectly asking things deliberately and it made me uncomfortable, I’d simply say ‘mind your own business’ or ‘it’s nothing important between us’ etc. I have little secrets with true friends, so I’d not be in a similar position to yourself. There’s a difference, for me, in having friends who drive me mad with their little funny quirks or traits, to what you’ve described etc. But I don’t fully understand the relationship / dynamic between you both. Going from what you’d said, I’d be quite distant or cautious with that type of person. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I can see your dillema.
For me I can tolerate those little things if we can talk about it, laugh about it, get curious about the annoyances together and find ways to help each other.
X "
This is what generally happens. I probably painted it bit black and white. |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Difficult one.
I would like to think of a set of scales where one side holds the positive and the other the negative.
If there is enough on the positive to outweigh to stress he obviously causes you, then make your decision accordingly.
Whatever you decide, you are likely to have some second thoughts, perhaps regrets at some point.
I have "deleted" a couple of people quite recently as they were lovely and toxic at the same time. It was a good decision even if sometimes I miss them in my life.
Good luck, OP. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm not attracted to unpredictable people or those whose actions would often have me inwardly questioning things.
So as the dragons would say, for that reason, I'm out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It is impossible to base any comment on such cursory information and not hearing his side.
Extremely superficially and a very, very shallow opinion:
Walk away. If you’ve already discussed the issues both of you have and it still persists, it’s a precursor of what is to come.
All the highs you mention are par for the course for anyone who adores you.
The lows are not.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Consistency! It won't ever change. Ideally you want someone in your life that makes you feel all those good things you mentioned and be consistent to.
I've been where you are, very confusing place to be! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I would caution you on this kind of dynamic. It sounds a little all about him- he gets to be the hero and rescue you, and wants to be around when things are good. But in the everyday ness of ordinary living he isn’t to be seen.
That makes him unreliable and you a little vulnerable.
In the end I would spend more time looking inwards at why you’re attracted to or accepting of that dynamic. Look forward similar patterns of this elsewhere in your life eg as a kid with parents, former lovers- chances are you’re repeating something familiar to you hit not necessarily good for you.
In my own case it came down to drawing my own clearer boundaries of what I do and don’t accept as behaviour from others, making those clear to a partner and having the courage to walk away when they get consistently breached. Am still learning! Good luck "
Thats a very valid point about repeating patterns of being attracted to someone like that. Thanks. I really appreciate your input. I've been doing work on my boundaries drawing. Sometimes you need to make yourself a priority. For anyone worrying about him seeing it. Don't. Not a forumite. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear Loungers. Share your wisdom.
I have a friend who is adorable, yet an arsehole! He is driving me wild in both good and bad ways. I will share some examples. Adorable: he is there for my low moments and the highest, calls when I'm offline and checks on me, he looks at me with adoration and keeps me feeling safe, he has inspired me to do things I have abandoned and to take risks and try new and exciting challenges. He makes me laugh like a mad squirrel - bonus points. But there is an arsehole part too. He expects me to message him before I call but never returns the same favour, he wants me ideally to answer wherever I am but then at times disappears as needs time/space to himself. Its pretty rare he compliments my looks or efforts finding new outfits which is somewhat important, he is so nosey yet so reserved and so damn inconsistent between the highs and lows. My brain needs help deciding - do you give up the adoring part as struggle to tolerate the arsey bits or give them a chance? Have you got a similar friend like me? Are you attracted to unpredictable people?
Thanks for getting through it. "
Can't help but say it.. Sounds like there's someone else in the background. An element of a control be played out, too many red flags.
I'd run, but that's a bit rich coming from me when I kept going back when I should have run like hell in the past. You live and learn though. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Consistency! It won't ever change. Ideally you want someone in your life that makes you feel all those good things you mentioned and be consistent to.
I've been where you are, very confusing place to be! "
I like swings. But this more of a roller coaster sometimes.
But when its swinging. Its like being hang off a tree growing at the edge of the cliff. And when you go really high it's just you and sky above and sea under. And you feel free. So highs are really high. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Loungers. Share your wisdom.
I have a friend who is adorable, yet an arsehole! He is driving me wild in both good and bad ways. I will share some examples. Adorable: he is there for my low moments and the highest, calls when I'm offline and checks on me, he looks at me with adoration and keeps me feeling safe, he has inspired me to do things I have abandoned and to take risks and try new and exciting challenges. He makes me laugh like a mad squirrel - bonus points. But there is an arsehole part too. He expects me to message him before I call but never returns the same favour, he wants me ideally to answer wherever I am but then at times disappears as needs time/space to himself. Its pretty rare he compliments my looks or efforts finding new outfits which is somewhat important, he is so nosey yet so reserved and so damn inconsistent between the highs and lows. My brain needs help deciding - do you give up the adoring part as struggle to tolerate the arsey bits or give them a chance? Have you got a similar friend like me? Are you attracted to unpredictable people?
Thanks for getting through it.
Can't help but say it.. Sounds like there's someone else in the background. An element of a control be played out, too many red flags.
I'd run, but that's a bit rich coming from me when I kept going back when I should have run like hell in the past. You live and learn though. "
Aren't they addictive. Too charming for their own good. Relying on their powers and winning every time;-) must be all the kink. Heh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you are at a point where you are asking the question on a public forum I would suggest you know its no longer a healthy dynamic for you, but are looking for either confirmation or an excuse to remain from others.
Really only you can decide the impact the negative parts of this relationship is having on you |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Dear Loungers. Share your wisdom.
I have a friend who is adorable, yet an arsehole! He is driving me wild in both good and bad ways. I will share some examples. Adorable: he is there for my low moments and the highest, calls when I'm offline and checks on me, he looks at me with adoration and keeps me feeling safe, he has inspired me to do things I have abandoned and to take risks and try new and exciting challenges. He makes me laugh like a mad squirrel - bonus points. But there is an arsehole part too. He expects me to message him before I call but never returns the same favour, he wants me ideally to answer wherever I am but then at times disappears as needs time/space to himself. Its pretty rare he compliments my looks or efforts finding new outfits which is somewhat important, he is so nosey yet so reserved and so damn inconsistent between the highs and lows. My brain needs help deciding - do you give up the adoring part as struggle to tolerate the arsey bits or give them a chance? Have you got a similar friend like me? Are you attracted to unpredictable people?
Thanks for getting through it.
Can't help but say it.. Sounds like there's someone else in the background. An element of a control be played out, too many red flags.
I'd run, but that's a bit rich coming from me when I kept going back when I should have run like hell in the past. You live and learn though. "
That’s my immediate response as well.
It seems that at the least, they’re not paying as much attention as you’d like, at the worst, the stipulations around calling would be a massive red flag.
In my experience, people where I have to ‘put up’ with behaviour, never ends well |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Most of us are kind, patient and tolerant to greater or lesser degrees. Sometimes though, you realise that you're not being kind, patient and tolerant - you're letting someone take the piss!
This can be exacerbated if you really like someone. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If you are at a point where you are asking the question on a public forum I would suggest you know its no longer a healthy dynamic for you, but are looking for either confirmation or an excuse to remain from others.
Really only you can decide the impact the negative parts of this relationship is having on you "
I look at it as me trying to detach emotionally from it and taking it to public court which I very rarely do. I learnt in the past that keeping things to myself never ended well and isolated myself in strange relationships not sharing my doubts. I believe things can always be worked on if there is enough of 3 elements: self awareness of being a dick, remorse and willingness to work on oneself. It's happening but I can't let go of all the arsey bits which happened so I'm being cautious and seeing more impartial input so I don't sink it without putting myself first. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I would find that really irritating and if continued and became normal I wouldn't bother with him anymore.
It's a 2 way thing. "
It has improved. I'm very wary though of it reoccurring. Absolutely agree on two way street but that would also be affected by D/s type of dynamic which I didnt explain and drawing certain rules. Maybe they need reframing. |
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"If you are at a point where you are asking the question on a public forum I would suggest you know its no longer a healthy dynamic for you, but are looking for either confirmation or an excuse to remain from others.
Really only you can decide the impact the negative parts of this relationship is having on you
I look at it as me trying to detach emotionally from it and taking it to public court which I very rarely do. I learnt in the past that keeping things to myself never ended well and isolated myself in strange relationships not sharing my doubts. I believe things can always be worked on if there is enough of 3 elements: self awareness of being a dick, remorse and willingness to work on oneself. It's happening but I can't let go of all the arsey bits which happened so I'm being cautious and seeing more impartial input so I don't sink it without putting myself first. "
So he's working on changing? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If you are at a point where you are asking the question on a public forum I would suggest you know its no longer a healthy dynamic for you, but are looking for either confirmation or an excuse to remain from others.
Really only you can decide the impact the negative parts of this relationship is having on you
I look at it as me trying to detach emotionally from it and taking it to public court which I very rarely do. I learnt in the past that keeping things to myself never ended well and isolated myself in strange relationships not sharing my doubts. I believe things can always be worked on if there is enough of 3 elements: self awareness of being a dick, remorse and willingness to work on oneself. It's happening but I can't let go of all the arsey bits which happened so I'm being cautious and seeing more impartial input so I don't sink it without putting myself first.
So he's working on changing? "
That's the perception I have. I might be wrong. Not changing. Adapting more like. |
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From a guys perspective I can already tell what's going to happen here Rose .
Obviously to start with he's going to only show his best side , but as time goes the real demons will show through .
I already see traits of jealousy and possessiveness coming through here , and if I'm truly honest Rose , it will only get worse .
I get it I really do , more women than I care to remember are attracted to these kinda guys , at first!! Then the shit hits the fan .
Personally ( just my opinion) use your head here and not your heart .. Sorry xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear Loungers. Share your wisdom.
I have a friend who is adorable, yet an arsehole! He is driving me wild in both good and bad ways. I will share some examples. Adorable: he is there for my low moments and the highest, calls when I'm offline and checks on me, he looks at me with adoration and keeps me feeling safe, he has inspired me to do things I have abandoned and to take risks and try new and exciting challenges. He makes me laugh like a mad squirrel - bonus points. But there is an arsehole part too. He expects me to message him before I call but never returns the same favour, he wants me ideally to answer wherever I am but then at times disappears as needs time/space to himself. Its pretty rare he compliments my looks or efforts finding new outfits which is somewhat important, he is so nosey yet so reserved and so damn inconsistent between the highs and lows. My brain needs help deciding - do you give up the adoring part as struggle to tolerate the arsey bits or give them a chance? Have you got a similar friend like me? Are you attracted to unpredictable people?
Thanks for getting through it.
Can't help but say it.. Sounds like there's someone else in the background. An element of a control be played out, too many red flags.
I'd run, but that's a bit rich coming from me when I kept going back when I should have run like hell in the past. You live and learn though.
Aren't they addictive. Too charming for their own good. Relying on their powers and winning every time;-) must be all the kink. Heh "
I wouldn't say its their charm. More the voice in one's knickers and head and they make it easy as you are less likely to think they'll say no. They'll appeal to you wherever they can to be your choice. Control factors are often a sign someone wants to have a hold out of fear of losing. So who has the power really? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My advice Tuberose is do what makes you happy and don't be treated like a fool (you are too lovely for that) . I do like the term adorable arsehole though!! It's hard not to feel something for adorable people but for me the arsehole element stops it going any further... |
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"Dear Loungers. Share your wisdom.
I have a friend who is adorable, yet an arsehole! He is driving me wild in both good and bad ways. I will share some examples. Adorable: he is there for my low moments and the highest, calls when I'm offline and checks on me, he looks at me with adoration and keeps me feeling safe, he has inspired me to do things I have abandoned and to take risks and try new and exciting challenges. He makes me laugh like a mad squirrel - bonus points. But there is an arsehole part too. He expects me to message him before I call but never returns the same favour, he wants me ideally to answer wherever I am but then at times disappears as needs time/space to himself. Its pretty rare he compliments my looks or efforts finding new outfits which is somewhat important, he is so nosey yet so reserved and so damn inconsistent between the highs and lows. My brain needs help deciding - do you give up the adoring part as struggle to tolerate the arsey bits or give them a chance? Have you got a similar friend like me? Are you attracted to unpredictable people?
Thanks for getting through it. "
I think you've answered your own question really by realising that hes an arsehole at times which causes annoyance  If hes annoyances are causing your downs then defo get rid x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I was so hoping you had new photos of your bumhole on show OP
I fell for the marketing as well."
I'd say it's one of my strengths
Just ramblings. Thanks for a brief visit. |
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It sounds to me like you're querying if this is ok for you or not. Have you spoken to them about the inequalities you feel are occurring? I know for me ultimately that if I feel things are unjust despite all the good my brain will see the bad things more. Which isn't necessarily the other person's fault they just don't work with me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are at a point where you are asking the question on a public forum I would suggest you know its no longer a healthy dynamic for you, but are looking for either confirmation or an excuse to remain from others.
Really only you can decide the impact the negative parts of this relationship is having on you
I look at it as me trying to detach emotionally from it and taking it to public court which I very rarely do. I learnt in the past that keeping things to myself never ended well and isolated myself in strange relationships not sharing my doubts. I believe things can always be worked on if there is enough of 3 elements: self awareness of being a dick, remorse and willingness to work on oneself. It's happening but I can't let go of all the arsey bits which happened so I'm being cautious and seeing more impartial input so I don't sink it without putting myself first. "
How did the similar relationships in the past end? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It is impossible to base any comment on such cursory information and not hearing his side.
Extremely superficially and a very, very shallow opinion:
Walk away. If you’ve already discussed the issues both of you have and it still persists, it’s a precursor of what is to come.
All the highs you mention are par for the course for anyone who adores you.
The lows are not.
"
I know. I don't want to share too much so just chose the most adorable and the most annoying examples from extreme sides of the spectrum!
Yes. Lows shouldn't be regular or persist. Then you feel you aren't doing anything enough to help them get through whatever they go through. But also I don't believe in being always happy and bouncy and those withdrawals just make me want to understand them more. Or be a keeper of a space at the very least with arms full of acceptance. Work in progress for now. |
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"If you are at a point where you are asking the question on a public forum I would suggest you know its no longer a healthy dynamic for you, but are looking for either confirmation or an excuse to remain from others.
Really only you can decide the impact the negative parts of this relationship is having on you
I look at it as me trying to detach emotionally from it and taking it to public court which I very rarely do. I learnt in the past that keeping things to myself never ended well and isolated myself in strange relationships not sharing my doubts. I believe things can always be worked on if there is enough of 3 elements: self awareness of being a dick, remorse and willingness to work on oneself. It's happening but I can't let go of all the arsey bits which happened so I'm being cautious and seeing more impartial input so I don't sink it without putting myself first.
So he's working on changing?
That's the perception I have. I might be wrong. Not changing. Adapting more like."
I'm fairly confused I'll admit. Is this why so many men think women only like bad boys?
When you say adapting do you mean modifying his behaviour just enough to keep you in the hook? |
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"Dear Loungers. Share your wisdom.
I have a friend who is adorable, yet an arsehole! He is driving me wild in both good and bad ways. I will share some examples. Adorable: he is there for my low moments and the highest, calls when I'm offline and checks on me, he looks at me with adoration and keeps me feeling safe, he has inspired me to do things I have abandoned and to take risks and try new and exciting challenges. He makes me laugh like a mad squirrel - bonus points. But there is an arsehole part too. He expects me to message him before I call but never returns the same favour, he wants me ideally to answer wherever I am but then at times disappears as needs time/space to himself. Its pretty rare he compliments my looks or efforts finding new outfits which is somewhat important, he is so nosey yet so reserved and so damn inconsistent between the highs and lows. My brain needs help deciding - do you give up the adoring part as struggle to tolerate the arsey bits or give them a chance? Have you got a similar friend like me? Are you attracted to unpredictable people?
Thanks for getting through it. "
Sounds like he may be married to me but hopefully I am wrong. |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"Does he have a pretty penis?
Does it make me shallow if so ?  "
Not at all. My long term buddy is only still here because he's gorgeous, has a lovely penis and body, and sexually satisfies me.
Incidentally, I ask people to text before they call me, so I'm not near any of my children or grandchildren, and I can go somewhere private to talk.
If you're enjoying the good times with him-and he's not your partner-ignore the annoying things about him. That's what I do.
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"Dear Loungers. Share your wisdom.
I have a friend who is adorable, yet an arsehole! He is driving me wild in both good and bad ways. I will share some examples. Adorable: he is there for my low moments and the highest, calls when I'm offline and checks on me, he looks at me with adoration and keeps me feeling safe, he has inspired me to do things I have abandoned and to take risks and try new and exciting challenges. He makes me laugh like a mad squirrel - bonus points. But there is an arsehole part too. He expects me to message him before I call but never returns the same favour, he wants me ideally to answer wherever I am but then at times disappears as needs time/space to himself. Its pretty rare he compliments my looks or efforts finding new outfits which is somewhat important, he is so nosey yet so reserved and so damn inconsistent between the highs and lows. My brain needs help deciding - do you give up the adoring part as struggle to tolerate the arsey bits or give them a chance? Have you got a similar friend like me? Are you attracted to unpredictable people?
Thanks for getting through it.
Sounds like he may be married to me but hopefully I am wrong."
He definitely has a life separate to the one he's open about with the op. What that life is we will never know. My first husband was a bit like this. |
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We are all probably a bit Jekyll and Hyde. I guess it depends where the balance point is, and your tolerance of the less appealing.
But from what you've said through the thread, you unconsciously find the unappealing slightly appealing. Which probably shifts the balance for you, but in an unrealistic way for the long term.
I think at some point you'll probably need to end this. So possibly better to end it before it starts to drag you under? |
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"I was so hoping you had new photos of your bumhole on show OP
I would never think of that. That should make this rocket to 175 shouldn't it. "
Yes, can you change your avatar photo to show this please  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If it's a relationship, run away and don't look back. He won't change. Too many red flags. He may just be selfish and ignorant but you are worth more than to be a part of that.
If it's a friendship/ sex buddy, enjoy the good stuff and ignore the bad. Enjoy all the highs but be aware he won't be there for the lows. Ignore his bad behaviour and don't even mention it. It's not worth the hassle. If he cared he'd already be working on sorting his shit out.
Also I wouldn't be answering his calls if he demands a message from you before you call him. If he won't have the same respect for you sod him.
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By *EAT..85Woman
over a year ago
Nottingham |
You sound similar to me.
Stay self aware and keep weighing the good against the bad. While the good is really good, I'll cope with the bad bits. Keeping my life full, busy & independant has been important to balance the sporadic interactions x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was so hoping you had new photos of your bumhole on show OP
I would never think of that. That should make this rocket to 175 shouldn't it.
Yes, can you change your avatar photo to show this please "
Yes a picture with some sort of rocket shaped object in place will certainly help propel this to the heights of 175 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I was so hoping you had new photos of your bumhole on show OP
I would never think of that. That should make this rocket to 175 shouldn't it.
Yes, can you change your avatar photo to show this please "
But I don't have a photo of you  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You sound similar to me.
Stay self aware and keep weighing the good against the bad. While the good is really good, I'll cope with the bad bits. Keeping my life full, busy & independant has been important to balance the sporadic interactions x "
That's probably the most self preserving direction. Keeping occupied and looking after myself |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"And I thought this was going to be a first thread about me when I read the header "
I'd never want a thread about me. How double standard of me considering this thread |
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"And I thought this was going to be a first thread about me when I read the header
I'd never want a thread about me. How double standard of me considering this thread "
Double standards everywhere
There's some nice dedication threads but you have to be fab royalty I think to have one |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"How would you describe your relationship? Fwb, fb, bit more than that? Is he a fabber? "
Someone met on fab but not much around these days. No label as neither of us likes it. Sexually based. I was going to type it has a potential but then I don't know what for. potential to survive the storms of working out what other person and myself need and where the boundaries should lie. Nobody should waste time and their effort for assholes. I already have one of those. and I don't want to swing on the thin threads. Need strong bond. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We are all probably a bit Jekyll and Hyde. I guess it depends where the balance point is, and your tolerance of the less appealing.
But from what you've said through the thread, you unconsciously find the unappealing slightly appealing. Which probably shifts the balance for you, but in an unrealistic way for the long term.
I think at some point you'll probably need to end this. So possibly better to end it before it starts to drag you under? "
Maybe I'm a bit of an asshole too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We are all probably a bit Jekyll and Hyde. I guess it depends where the balance point is, and your tolerance of the less appealing.
But from what you've said through the thread, you unconsciously find the unappealing slightly appealing. Which probably shifts the balance for you, but in an unrealistic way for the long term.
I think at some point you'll probably need to end this. So possibly better to end it before it starts to drag you under?
Maybe I'm a bit of an asshole too. "
If so, an adorable one though |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
I've been in a similar dynamic before that soon became a relationship. At first it's heady and intoxicating, you experience such highs and can ignore/laugh about the lows, it's part and parcel of who they are. Over time it became exhausting and not good for my mental health. Yes, I'm prone to overthinking but the little things like them disappearing whenever and not giving me any warning or message for days but getting annoyed/upset if I didn't message them for a day, the calling only when he allowed or they'd hang up but expecting me to answer whenever or I'd face a strop. I can respect people needing space and time, they have their own lives. I don't understand inconsistencies. Those quirks soon became a bit much for me and when I did voice them they were met with the arsehole not the adorable. That led to me second guessing myself, wondering if I was unfair to expect a bit more. Not good really and not fair on either of us.
I suppose it depends on how you feel about the other person, what relationship it is and if it's worth it. When the bad starts out weighing the negative that's never a good thing. I've realised that as much as I do like the initial unpredictability, I couldn't do it again. |
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
I think the red flags are there. It sounds almost controlling, you have to message before calling, he can call and he expects an answer. The disappearing would trouble me as well. Has he behaved this way with other partners?
I suppose it comes down to whether you value one side of his personality to the other and can accept both. Good luck Tuberose, I hope it works out for you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think you already know the answer to this one OP maybe you just want confirmation. He sounds a bit controlling and a one way sort of guy next minute he will want you to block everyone except him  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think the red flags are there. It sounds almost controlling, you have to message before calling, he can call and he expects an answer. The disappearing would trouble me as well. Has he behaved this way with other partners?
I suppose it comes down to whether you value one side of his personality to the other and can accept both. Good luck Tuberose, I hope it works out for you "
"Has he behaved that way with others" Thars a very good question. Thanks for suggestion Babs. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Its hard to present a fair opinion without knowing the person, but it sounds like he wants everything his way.
I don’t like being treated differently to how I am expected to treat them, unless its part of an agreed upon dynamic.
If you are “just” friends, then it has a few res flags for me.
I would question how he is with others, is this just who they are?
What do you really know of them?
From how you have said he treats you, I am sure there are people out there that could do the same, but without the arsehole bits. It just comes down to if you are prepared to overlook the negative points in favour of the positive. |
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"I think the red flags are there. It sounds almost controlling, you have to message before calling, he can call and he expects an answer. The disappearing would trouble me as well. Has he behaved this way with other partners?
I suppose it comes down to whether you value one side of his personality to the other and can accept both. Good luck Tuberose, I hope it works out for you
"Has he behaved that way with others" Thars a very good question. Thanks for suggestion Babs. "
Does it matter how he's behaved with others? It's how he behaves with you that's important. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think the red flags are there. It sounds almost controlling, you have to message before calling, he can call and he expects an answer. The disappearing would trouble me as well. Has he behaved this way with other partners?
I suppose it comes down to whether you value one side of his personality to the other and can accept both. Good luck Tuberose, I hope it works out for you
"Has he behaved that way with others" Thars a very good question. Thanks for suggestion Babs.
Does it matter how he's behaved with others? It's how he behaves with you that's important. "
I think it could show a worrying pattern of behaviour so yes it does matter to an extent. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I've been in a similar dynamic before that soon became a relationship. At first it's heady and intoxicating, you experience such highs and can ignore/laugh about the lows, it's part and parcel of who they are. Over time it became exhausting and not good for my mental health. Yes, I'm prone to overthinking but the little things like them disappearing whenever and not giving me any warning or message for days but getting annoyed/upset if I didn't message them for a day, the calling only when he allowed or they'd hang up but expecting me to answer whenever or I'd face a strop. I can respect people needing space and time, they have their own lives. I don't understand inconsistencies. Those quirks soon became a bit much for me and when I did voice them they were met with the arsehole not the adorable. That led to me second guessing myself, wondering if I was unfair to expect a bit more. Not good really and not fair on either of us.
I suppose it depends on how you feel about the other person, what relationship it is and if it's worth it. When the bad starts out weighing the negative that's never a good thing. I've realised that as much as I do like the initial unpredictability, I couldn't do it again. "
Everyone has the limits. And that's a healthy attitude. Thanks for sharing that. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Loungers. Share your wisdom.
I have a friend who is adorable, yet an arsehole! He is driving me wild in both good and bad ways. I will share some examples. Adorable: he is there for my low moments and the highest, calls when I'm offline and checks on me, he looks at me with adoration and keeps me feeling safe, he has inspired me to do things I have abandoned and to take risks and try new and exciting challenges. He makes me laugh like a mad squirrel - bonus points. But there is an arsehole part too. He expects me to message him before I call but never returns the same favour, he wants me ideally to answer wherever I am but then at times disappears as needs time/space to himself. Its pretty rare he compliments my looks or efforts finding new outfits which is somewhat important, he is so nosey yet so reserved and so damn inconsistent between the highs and lows. My brain needs help deciding - do you give up the adoring part as struggle to tolerate the arsey bits or give them a chance? Have you got a similar friend like me? Are you attracted to unpredictable people?
Thanks for getting through it.
Sounds like he may be married to me but hopefully I am wrong."
That is very very very unlikely based on what I know and behaviour patterns. I think its just controlling. |
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I think it depends on what you want. Am also an over- thinker and I can annoy myself with it but from relationship / friend perspective I think consistency and a level playing field matters. I don’t want to do all the lifting!
If there was a D/s dynamic then it’s different but the mutual respect should still be there.
Hope it works out whatever you decide  |
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