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The dynamics of jealousy
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
Following on from the sharing is caring thread, it’s become clear as to how often jealousy, possessiveness and esteem influence the dynamics on here.
Jealousy is often labelled as a negative emotion and how it can affect interactions and derail interactions but there are points where it’s an integral part of the dynamic of relationships.
My question is; do you feel jealousy? How does it manifest, what do you do about it and what is the effect of it on those around you or your partner?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've never actually suffered from jealousy but that's more how I think about possessing anything (I don't basically) ... I do get a little envious now and again though  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m not an envious or jealous person at all EXCEPT when a partner or one on one lover is involved. Then I am possessive. I detest the feeling so no, I don’t do anything to provoke jealousy in him and ask the same in return. |
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Homer Simpson: “I’m not jealous! I’m envious. Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have ... envy is wanting what someone else has.”
I think it’s important to distinguish between it. Are you jealous to lose something? Or do you just want what they have? |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
I don't feel jealous when someone I care about or am having sex with has sex with someone else.
I don't even care if they like them more than me, and would choose them over me, if we're both available.
I do care when someone talks about seeing me, and makes arrangements, then sees someone else instead, if I've changed my plans or kept the date free.
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"That's a big topic.
I do feel jealousy, and envy.
Usually Jealousy when I feel I am missing something, not getting my needs met.
"
It really is isn’t it! Yet it’s not talked about much.
How does your jealousy manifest? Do you recognise it and how do you manage it? |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I've never actually suffered from jealousy but that's more how I think about possessing anything (I don't basically) ... I do get a little envious now and again though "
Do you think that it’s the feeling of possession that leads to jealousy then? |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I’m not an envious or jealous person at all EXCEPT when a partner or one on one lover is involved. Then I am possessive. I detest the feeling so no, I don’t do anything to provoke jealousy in him and ask the same in return."
How do you deal with those feelings if/when they occur? |
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"I don't feel jealous when someone I care about or am having sex with has sex with someone else.
I don't even care if they like them more than me, and would choose them over me, if we're both available.
I do care when someone talks about seeing me, and makes arrangements, then sees someone else instead, if I've changed my plans or kept the date free.
"
That's it. I'm not a back up girl. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Homer Simpson: “I’m not jealous! I’m envious. Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have ... envy is wanting what someone else has.”
I think it’s important to distinguish between it. Are you jealous to lose something? Or do you just want what they have?"
Much as I hate to agree with a simpsons quote, that kind of nailed it, to my mind! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jealousy is all part of trust.. I have never gotten jealous over a partner because I couldn't be with someone I didn't trust implicitly ... I still won't have another though  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’m not an envious or jealous person at all EXCEPT when a partner or one on one lover is involved. Then I am possessive. I detest the feeling so no, I don’t do anything to provoke jealousy in him and ask the same in return.
How do you deal with those feelings if/when they occur? "
I walk away from him and the situation. Life’s too short for negativity that can be avoided. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I don't feel jealous when someone I care about or am having sex with has sex with someone else.
I don't even care if they like them more than me, and would choose them over me, if we're both available.
I do care when someone talks about seeing me, and makes arrangements, then sees someone else instead, if I've changed my plans or kept the date free.
"
I wouldn’t class that as the same thing, that’s disrespectful. Plan B’s are just plain wrong |
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Jealousy is a truly negative emotion, occasionally you might find and instance where jealousy inspired a person to achieve something possibly.
But if that person has jealousy in their heart they won’t ever be happy. |
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When I was in a FWBs relationship I realised there’s a difference between jealousy and envy.
When my friend was out doing her thing with others I discovered I wasn’t jealous I was envious. I was really pleased for her but I would have liked being out doing my own thing too, but it’s obviously harder as a single guy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The only time I was jealous and sometimes insanely so was that I couldn’t have the time I wanted with him (given geographical reasons and our situations) for me if I had the time to get away I’d want to be with him, the thought if he had time allowing that he’d rather see someone else than me...even though this hadn’t happened as when we did have the time it was with each other knowing it was sitting there was enough for me to realise it was unhealthy, and so I let go of it.
Had the situation be different and could have been a conventional couple I don’t think the jealousy issue would have arisen.
Silly how our minds work sometimes.
I take enjoyment from others enjoyment and want to be part of that. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Jealousy is a truly negative emotion, occasionally you might find and instance where jealousy inspired a person to achieve something possibly.
But if that person has jealousy in their heart they won’t ever be happy. "
It can be but not always, there are quite a few dynamics where jealous feelings heighten situations and lead to positive encounters |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"When I was in a FWBs relationship I realised there’s a difference between jealousy and envy.
When my friend was out doing her thing with others I discovered I wasn’t jealous I was envious. I was really pleased for her but I would have liked being out doing my own thing too, but it’s obviously harder as a single guy. "
I wonder if people conflate the two at times.
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"The only time I was jealous and sometimes insanely so was that I couldn’t have the time I wanted with him (given geographical reasons and our situations) for me if I had the time to get away I’d want to be with him, the thought if he had time allowing that he’d rather see someone else than me...even though this hadn’t happened as when we did have the time it was with each other knowing it was sitting there was enough for me to realise it was unhealthy, and so I let go of it.
Had the situation be different and could have been a conventional couple I don’t think the jealousy issue would have arisen.
Silly how our minds work sometimes.
I take enjoyment from others enjoyment and want to be part of that."
How did your jealousy manifest and when you say ‘let go’, what do you mean?
Circumstances can impact on a relationship, I know that from personal experience and there is a deeper cost of distance, how did you reconcile that? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Thankfully I'm not the Jealous type at all... never was... I'm just lucky I guess that I don't have that personality trait
But I have seen the destruction the Green Eyed Monster can cause with others...OMG... Some are actually like some one pocessed... And God help ya if you are on the receiving end of someone who is jealous of you... Some will do their utmost to destroy you... I'm obviously talking about extreme jealousy |
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"I don't feel jealous when someone I care about or am having sex with has sex with someone else.
I don't even care if they like them more than me, and would choose them over me, if we're both available.
I do care when someone talks about seeing me, and makes arrangements, then sees someone else instead, if I've changed my plans or kept the date free.
That's it. I'm not a back up girl. "
I always say I am not a second option...x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't feel jealous when someone I care about or am having sex with has sex with someone else.
I don't even care if they like them more than me, and would choose them over me, if we're both available.
I do care when someone talks about seeing me, and makes arrangements, then sees someone else instead, if I've changed my plans or kept the date free.
"
That just makes me cross, not jealous. Lol.
If people are open about their intentions and needs from the outset of any relationship, then jealousy should have no place. It’s usually a result of deception, more so than it is as a result of a change in someone’s point of view, following some event that triggers it (usually sleeping with someone else, in the case of FAB).
X |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Thankfully I'm not the Jealous type at all... never was... I'm just lucky I guess that I don't have that personality trait
But I have seen the destruction the Green Eyed Monster can cause with others...OMG... Some are actually like some one pocessed... And God help ya if you are on the receiving end of someone who is jealous of you... Some will do their utmost to destroy you... I'm obviously talking about extreme jealousy"
What do you think it is in your personality that prevents you feeling jealous? |
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In younger years felt jeoulos alot! But over the years saw the negative effect it had! So now dont feel it! Not that I ever get to emotionally involved if at all with men! Have had it from men though! At which point I find it time to move on! Such a negative destroying emotion x |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I don't feel jealous when someone I care about or am having sex with has sex with someone else.
I don't even care if they like them more than me, and would choose them over me, if we're both available.
I do care when someone talks about seeing me, and makes arrangements, then sees someone else instead, if I've changed my plans or kept the date free.
That just makes me cross, not jealous. Lol.
If people are open about their intentions and needs from the outset of any relationship, then jealousy should have no place. It’s usually a result of deception, more so than it is as a result of a change in someone’s point of view, following some event that triggers it (usually sleeping with someone else, in the case of FAB).
X"
I’m not sure that I agree with you entirely about clarity preventing jealousy, it can help but I think that jealousy is linked to something other than miscommunication or misconceptions a lot of the time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No jealousy or envy felt by me for anything,,, my Mrs on the other hand
Would you mind explaining a bit more? "
She’s one of those jealous sorts, doesn’t even like me talking to a woman anywhere |
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Jelousy and posesivness are feelings of the deluded.try not to let them in as they will fester and rot youre brain.try to adopt a difrent attitude we are only hear for a short time and a partner is only somone on the journey whos traveling with you and may veer off down a difrent road at any time.we own no one and can expect from others only what they want to give.and if love rears its head remember love is one way and dosent need to be a two way thing |
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"I don't feel jealous when someone I care about or am having sex with has sex with someone else.
I don't even care if they like them more than me, and would choose them over me, if we're both available.
I do care when someone talks about seeing me, and makes arrangements, then sees someone else instead, if I've changed my plans or kept the date free.
That's it. I'm not a back up girl.
I always say I am not a second option...x"
Absolutely not! End of the day.. you snooze you lose! I hate the " always has one eye on the door " feeling you can pick up sometimes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thankfully I'm not the Jealous type at all... never was... I'm just lucky I guess that I don't have that personality trait
But I have seen the destruction the Green Eyed Monster can cause with others...OMG... Some are actually like some one pocessed... And God help ya if you are on the receiving end of someone who is jealous of you... Some will do their utmost to destroy you... I'm obviously talking about extreme jealousy
What do you think it is in your personality that prevents you feeling jealous? "
Tbh I don't know...There's different types of jealousy...Some peeps are jealous of others who are doing well in life... Seeing others do well makes me feel good and I'm happy for them... Than there's the relationship jelousy.. Omg some guys can't even look or comment about another woman or they may get physically thrashed...I've actually seen this happen. From a young age I was well aware we find more than one person physically & sexually attractive so it's totally understandable when a guy is eyeing up another girl or may want to take it further... I've wanted an open relationship from a young age |
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"Jealousy isnt something i really understand as its not an emotion im familiar with
So you never feel jealous? Do you know why? "
I dont know. I cant ever remember being jealous ive always seen it as a negative as ive seen people lose their minds and do some strange things when they are jealous.
Ive had people try and make me jealous but i walk away.
Im quite a cold person and can just switch my emotions off. For me i dont think i would of been able to live this lifestyle if i was the jealous type |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Lia makes a good point. It’s not necessarily about jealousy in relationships is it? I’m not jealous of people who do well, who have big houses, fancy cars etc, I think they are lucky, but I focus on being grateful for what I have.
When it comes to relationships, I think you need to look at the base you’re starting from. If you’re starting from a secure base? That can affect where you go from there.
My clarity from these posts is, it’s not jealousy so much for me, as fear.
Great posts! |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
I'm not jealous and certainly not possessive. I think my fab experience purged what little of those feelings I had.
Jealousy I think is often caused by feelings of insecurity w/ regards to one's self or to the strength of a relationship, sometimes both.
I know my worth and don't feel insecure. If i've let someone in it's because they see me as special enough that they would consider me as their priority and vice versa. I trust in that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Lia makes a good point. It’s not necessarily about jealousy in relationships is it? I’m not jealous of people who do well, who have big houses, fancy cars etc, I think they are lucky, but I focus on being grateful for what I have.
When it comes to relationships, I think you need to look at the base you’re starting from. If you’re starting from a secure base? That can affect where you go from there.
My clarity from these posts is, it’s not jealousy so much for me, as fear.
Great posts!"
You’re absolutely right... it’s fear.. and for me insecurity... and is definitely related to the base you’re starting from xxx |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"No jealousy or envy felt by me for anything,,, my Mrs on the other hand
Would you mind explaining a bit more?
She’s one of those jealous sorts, doesn’t even like me talking to a woman anywhere "
How do you mitigate that? How does it affect you both? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've felt jealousy for a variety of reasons in the past, but it all boiled down to fear of losing someone's affections to another. In one case it was because he was blowing hot and cold in the relationship and I felt very insecure in it. I was young and he was a serial cheat, although I didn't have proof at the time it all came out after we broke up.
Another time was because I felt inadequate in myself compared to another woman, despite my partner absolutely doting on me and doing his utmost to show me how committed he was. That particular instance was a mixture of envy, wanting to be more like someone else and feeling personally lacking, and jealousy if my partner spent time with her. Very destructive and painful. Would not recommend.
Feelings that powerful have not occured for a lot of years now and I like to think it wouldn't happen again. Being at peace with youself certainly reduces the liklihood of jealous feelings rearing their ugly head.
I've not had a swinging relationship so I really don't know if I'd enjoy one or find it too difficult.
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"I wonder if people conflate the two at times. "
While they have distinct meanings, jealousy has become synonymous with envy and even FOMO these days, mainly because it can be hard to distinguish why you may be feeling the way you are.
I know when I have those feelings I try to rationalise them in my head to try and understand why I am feeling that way and is it jealousy, envy, FOMO or something else.
As was mentioned previously I am more likely to feel put out because someone has arranged to see someone else at a date/time we had agreed to do something than I am simply because they are seeing someone else. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I've felt jealousy for a variety of reasons in the past, but it all boiled down to fear of losing someone's affections to another. In one case it was because he was blowing hot and cold in the relationship and I felt very insecure in it. I was young and he was a serial cheat, although I didn't have proof at the time it all came out after we broke up.
Another time was because I felt inadequate in myself compared to another woman, despite my partner absolutely doting on me and doing his utmost to show me how committed he was. That particular instance was a mixture of envy, wanting to be more like someone else and feeling personally lacking, and jealousy if my partner spent time with her. Very destructive and painful. Would not recommend.
Feelings that powerful have not occured for a lot of years now and I like to think it wouldn't happen again. Being at peace with youself certainly reduces the liklihood of jealous feelings rearing their ugly head.
I've not had a swinging relationship so I really don't know if I'd enjoy one or find it too difficult.
"
Thank you |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I wonder if people conflate the two at times.
While they have distinct meanings, jealousy has become synonymous with envy and even FOMO these days, mainly because it can be hard to distinguish why you may be feeling the way you are.
I know when I have those feelings I try to rationalise them in my head to try and understand why I am feeling that way and is it jealousy, envy, FOMO or something else.
As was mentioned previously I am more likely to feel put out because someone has arranged to see someone else at a date/time we had agreed to do something than I am simply because they are seeing someone else."
If you do feel envy or jealousy, what brings it on and how do you deal with it? |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Never jealous or envious, but can occasionally be positively possessive, in a nice way, you don’t always want to or have to share."
That’s an interesting turn of phrase!
That’s very true, you don’t always have to share, if you’re both in agreement |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
I don't know if I get jealous as such. I would get envious that someone is having fun when I wouldn't be. Maybe a little worried they may prefer the other person and stop meeting me when and become the one that gets to meet them when the other isn't available.Like others have said I'm not plan b. And if I think I am becoming it I will just move on. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I don't know if I get jealous as such. I would get envious that someone is having fun when I wouldn't be. Maybe a little worried they may prefer the other person and stop meeting me when and become the one that gets to meet them when the other isn't available.Like others have said I'm not plan b. And if I think I am becoming it I will just move on. "
I think that the worry that you mentioned is often what leads to people’s jealousy |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
My jealousy is triggered by unresolved issues I have with regard to romantic liaisons of my past.
I have been in a relationship where the fella tried to cheat, denied it, but was caught out on his second attempt red handed and I’ve also had a good friend make a move on a former partner behind my back, when I was still with him. This has created trust issues.
Therefore I need to feel secure in someone’s feelings for me and that the relationship is secure. Otherwise I start feeling insecure. If I start feeling insecure it lowers my mood. If my mood drops I start questioning myself and doubting myself and I end up feeling anxious, if I start feeling anxious I start feeling unhappy, if I start feeling unhappy then I pull away.
I don’t display my jealousy, I bottle it up. It damages me more than it does anyone else.
These days I watch out for things that are red flags (to me). I avoid men who are flirty, if I go on a date and I see him checking out other women then I’d avoid taking things further. It would ultimately make me unhappy, so I just don’t go there.
I don’t get jealous about other stuff. I don’t even know if it actually is jealousy, it’s just a creeping feeling of dread that history will repeat itself and so I need to protect what I have, and I become hyper vigilant for signs of things not being as they should. |
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I've never felt jealousy in relationships as I realised I was polyamourous in my first relationship aged 18, we had a 13 year open relationship and I achieved compersion very early on with him
The only thing I've ever been envious of is a normal childhood family, but that was because I was being brought up with no maternal love at home
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"I wonder if people conflate the two at times.
While they have distinct meanings, jealousy has become synonymous with envy and even FOMO these days, mainly because it can be hard to distinguish why you may be feeling the way you are.
I know when I have those feelings I try to rationalise them in my head to try and understand why I am feeling that way and is it jealousy, envy, FOMO or something else.
As was mentioned previously I am more likely to feel put out because someone has arranged to see someone else at a date/time we had agreed to do something than I am simply because they are seeing someone else.
If you do feel envy or jealousy, what brings it on and how do you deal with it? "
We deal with it by talking between ourselves so that we can figure out what the triggers were/are, if what we are feeling is jealousy, envy or another emotion, if we feel justified in our feelings or reaction and finally how to deal with the situation in a pragmatic manner.
What kinds of things trigger our envy or jealousy?
We were in a poly dynamic a few years back that ended cataclysmically. Typically what would trigger these feelings is where one person was being prioritised over another, plans were made and then changed, people wanting to do or go to events with one person and not the other.
Thankfully these days we don’t tend to encounter situations where envy or jealousy enters into it. Its more about people messing us about where we initially think its envy, FOMO or jealousy and upon reflection its more about common courtesy.
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
"I don't know if I get jealous as such. I would get envious that someone is having fun when I wouldn't be. Maybe a little worried they may prefer the other person and stop meeting me when and become the one that gets to meet them when the other isn't available.Like others have said I'm not plan b. And if I think I am becoming it I will just move on.
I think that the worry that you mentioned is often what leads to people’s jealousy"
Ye that could be very true as well.But I think it's also good if you can be truthful and talk to the other person you meet or are in a relationship with I think if you have that openness where you can discuss things it helps as well.That can make a big difference I've seen even on here sometimes the new person in the equation will do all they can to cause a rift. Which is sad to see happen and goes against what swinging should be. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can't do relationships
They make me feel nutty 
My insecurities and the consequences of them outweigh the positives of having a partner.
I admit to not dealing with jealousy well and I'm not able to trust easily.
Isssuueeessss right! 
I have found peace with it.
Being single is good for my mental health.
I rarely feel envy.
I'm mostly happy for other people.
I know what is right for me and now I'm older I give less fucks about what other people think about my relationship status.
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I am fairly new to polyamory and i thought jealousy would be more of an issue than it if. I enjoy hearing about their escapades and they mine. But like others have said, don't break plan with me to meet with someone else. I keep a careful calendar and expect them to do so too.
If i started to feel jealous then i would know it was time to break up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The only time I was jealous and sometimes insanely so was that I couldn’t have the time I wanted with him (given geographical reasons and our situations) for me if I had the time to get away I’d want to be with him, the thought if he had time allowing that he’d rather see someone else than me...even though this hadn’t happened as when we did have the time it was with each other knowing it was sitting there was enough for me to realise it was unhealthy, and so I let go of it.
Had the situation be different and could have been a conventional couple I don’t think the jealousy issue would have arisen.
Silly how our minds work sometimes.
I take enjoyment from others enjoyment and want to be part of that.
How did your jealousy manifest and when you say ‘let go’, what do you mean?
Circumstances can impact on a relationship, I know that from personal experience and there is a deeper cost of distance, how did you reconcile that? "
It was gut turning, needing reassurance verbally which I hated as I have never been like that...and don’t want to be.
We talked multiple times daily, video called and saw each other mostly once a week.
I walked away and cut all ties. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done. But the right call knowing that our situation was not going to change. When it hurts more then it’s good it’s time to move on.
I’ve not been jealous before or since! I like it that way!! |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"My jealousy is triggered by unresolved issues I have with regard to romantic liaisons of my past.
I have been in a relationship where the fella tried to cheat, denied it, but was caught out on his second attempt red handed and I’ve also had a good friend make a move on a former partner behind my back, when I was still with him. This has created trust issues.
Therefore I need to feel secure in someone’s feelings for me and that the relationship is secure. Otherwise I start feeling insecure. If I start feeling insecure it lowers my mood. If my mood drops I start questioning myself and doubting myself and I end up feeling anxious, if I start feeling anxious I start feeling unhappy, if I start feeling unhappy then I pull away.
I don’t display my jealousy, I bottle it up. It damages me more than it does anyone else.
These days I watch out for things that are red flags (to me). I avoid men who are flirty, if I go on a date and I see him checking out other women then I’d avoid taking things further. It would ultimately make me unhappy, so I just don’t go there.
I don’t get jealous about other stuff. I don’t even know if it actually is jealousy, it’s just a creeping feeling of dread that history will repeat itself and so I need to protect what I have, and I become hyper vigilant for signs of things not being as they should."
I understand what you’re saying. It’s not jealousy per se, more the echoes of relationships past.
Like anxiety, it’s a learned response to historical issues |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I've never felt jealousy in relationships as I realised I was polyamourous in my first relationship aged 18, we had a 13 year open relationship and I achieved compersion very early on with him
The only thing I've ever been envious of is a normal childhood family, but that was because I was being brought up with no maternal love at home
"
I’m sorry to read about your childhood |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I wonder if people conflate the two at times.
While they have distinct meanings, jealousy has become synonymous with envy and even FOMO these days, mainly because it can be hard to distinguish why you may be feeling the way you are.
I know when I have those feelings I try to rationalise them in my head to try and understand why I am feeling that way and is it jealousy, envy, FOMO or something else.
As was mentioned previously I am more likely to feel put out because someone has arranged to see someone else at a date/time we had agreed to do something than I am simply because they are seeing someone else.
If you do feel envy or jealousy, what brings it on and how do you deal with it?
We deal with it by talking between ourselves so that we can figure out what the triggers were/are, if what we are feeling is jealousy, envy or another emotion, if we feel justified in our feelings or reaction and finally how to deal with the situation in a pragmatic manner.
What kinds of things trigger our envy or jealousy?
We were in a poly dynamic a few years back that ended cataclysmically. Typically what would trigger these feelings is where one person was being prioritised over another, plans were made and then changed, people wanting to do or go to events with one person and not the other.
Thankfully these days we don’t tend to encounter situations where envy or jealousy enters into it. Its more about people messing us about where we initially think its envy, FOMO or jealousy and upon reflection its more about common courtesy.
"
It does sound as though you’ve got things worked out between you! |
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"Following on from the sharing is caring thread, it’s become clear as to how often jealousy, possessiveness and esteem influence the dynamics on here.
Jealousy is often labelled as a negative emotion and how it can affect interactions and derail interactions but there are points where it’s an integral part of the dynamic of relationships.
My question is; do you feel jealousy? How does it manifest, what do you do about it and what is the effect of it on those around you or your partner?
"
I don't feel that I am nor possessive for that matter. If you hold things to close they will break.
Should 'the green eyed monster' ever appear within me I trust that I will be mindful enough to see it and step back. I would say that it could only cause stress or worry to those around you.
|
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I can't do relationships
They make me feel nutty
My insecurities and the consequences of them outweigh the positives of having a partner.
I admit to not dealing with jealousy well and I'm not able to trust easily.
Isssuueeessss right!
I have found peace with it.
Being single is good for my mental health.
I rarely feel envy.
I'm mostly happy for other people.
I know what is right for me and now I'm older I give less fucks about what other people think about my relationship status.
"
I think that finding what works for you is important, if that’s not being in a relationship, then that’s a positive.
What was it about relationships that make you nutty? |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I am fairly new to polyamory and i thought jealousy would be more of an issue than it if. I enjoy hearing about their escapades and they mine. But like others have said, don't break plan with me to meet with someone else. I keep a careful calendar and expect them to do so too.
If i started to feel jealous then i would know it was time to break up. "
So jealousy is a deal breaker for you? |
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We dont do jealousy. Never been an issue for us. We always kinda hovered on the poly line anyway. Never actually happened for us and we never looked for it but we talked about it. If it had happened it would have happened. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"The only time I was jealous and sometimes insanely so was that I couldn’t have the time I wanted with him (given geographical reasons and our situations) for me if I had the time to get away I’d want to be with him, the thought if he had time allowing that he’d rather see someone else than me...even though this hadn’t happened as when we did have the time it was with each other knowing it was sitting there was enough for me to realise it was unhealthy, and so I let go of it.
Had the situation be different and could have been a conventional couple I don’t think the jealousy issue would have arisen.
Silly how our minds work sometimes.
I take enjoyment from others enjoyment and want to be part of that.
How did your jealousy manifest and when you say ‘let go’, what do you mean?
Circumstances can impact on a relationship, I know that from personal experience and there is a deeper cost of distance, how did you reconcile that?
It was gut turning, needing reassurance verbally which I hated as I have never been like that...and don’t want to be.
We talked multiple times daily, video called and saw each other mostly once a week.
I walked away and cut all ties. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done. But the right call knowing that our situation was not going to change. When it hurts more then it’s good it’s time to move on.
I’ve not been jealous before or since! I like it that way!! "
That sounds really hard |
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"I am fairly new to polyamory and i thought jealousy would be more of an issue than it if. I enjoy hearing about their escapades and they mine. But like others have said, don't break plan with me to meet with someone else. I keep a careful calendar and expect them to do so too.
If i started to feel jealous then i would know it was time to break up.
So jealousy is a deal breaker for you? "
It would just mean i wanted more and that's not what either of us signed up for. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I can't do relationships
They make me feel nutty
My insecurities and the consequences of them outweigh the positives of having a partner.
I admit to not dealing with jealousy well and I'm not able to trust easily.
Isssuueeessss right!
I have found peace with it.
Being single is good for my mental health.
I rarely feel envy.
I'm mostly happy for other people.
I know what is right for me and now I'm older I give less fucks about what other people think about my relationship status.
I think that finding what works for you is important, if that’s not being in a relationship, then that’s a positive.
What was it about relationships that make you nutty? "
The constant compromise, the sharing of space, their family/ friends - it's endless!
If I was to have a relationship again I want it to be in separate houses / finances etc .. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I am fairly new to polyamory and i thought jealousy would be more of an issue than it if. I enjoy hearing about their escapades and they mine. But like others have said, don't break plan with me to meet with someone else. I keep a careful calendar and expect them to do so too.
If i started to feel jealous then i would know it was time to break up.
So jealousy is a deal breaker for you?
It would just mean i wanted more and that's not what either of us signed up for. "
I understand, it’s what the jealousy signifies, rather than the emotion itself |
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The only time that I could ever envisage me feeling jealous is if I wasn't secure in a relationship and didn't have total trust and open communication with that person...and I wouldn't embark on a sharing dynamic if that was the case. Plus it would never be over physical acts, purely if I felt they had more of an emotional bond with someone else than I was comfortable with. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Homer Simpson: “I’m not jealous! I’m envious. Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have ... envy is wanting what someone else has.”
I think it’s important to distinguish between it. Are you jealous to lose something? Or do you just want what they have?"
Aha! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't feel jealous when someone I care about or am having sex with has sex with someone else.
I don't even care if they like them more than me, and would choose them over me, if we're both available.
I do care when someone talks about seeing me, and makes arrangements, then sees someone else instead, if I've changed my plans or kept the date free.
That's it. I'm not a back up girl. "
Neither am I |
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No. I never feel jealousy or envy.
I felt both as a younger person. Jealousy stems from insecurity and envy from looking for external approval or low self esteem.
Neither are positive to any degree. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No. I never feel jealousy or envy.
I felt both as a younger person. Jealousy stems from insecurity and envy from looking for external approval or low self esteem.
Neither are positive to any degree. "
A lot of people seem to think that jealousy is healthy or "natural". That it's a sign of how close you are to someone. I just think it's toxic. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I only get jealous in insecure relationships with trust issues. I don’t get jealous of people who might have lots of luck or a better life or better things etc. |
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