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BDSM, what it is and what it isn't.
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I'll start, for instance what is a Dom. Like many people I describe myself as a Dom, it's a title that's all, for me being Dom can be challenging it doesn't come naturally, I constantly have to remind myself of what my duty of care is to my sub, a sub doesn't always give you their submission, you have to obtain it. A true Dom doesn't just take control of you, try to order you around. That's not not dominance, that's bullying in my opinion.
A true Dom, is always respectful, will guide you, instruct you, encourage you, help you and drive you to reach your full potential. Not just for those moments in a scene but in life.
A true Dom will be and must be, the most supportive person you've ever met. They'look challenge you and teach you things about yourself you never knew. Ultimately, a Dom should bring out the very best in you. |
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The problem on this site and the other (Fet) is wannabe Dom’s. A guy recently asked specifically the BDSM people on this site to look at his profile and give advice or feedback. I gave feedback as he was going on about gaming and his football team, very little about his experience or what he’ll bring to a meet. He was adamant that he’s happy with what his profile states and keeping it that way, fair play but why ask in the first place ?
Too many guys contact me saying that they’re dominant, later in the conversation when I ask about their experience or attending munches or clubs their lack of knowledge is laughable.
They’re the main issue, a true Dom is all that you have described and a sub is well aware of the dynamic between the two. It’s not easy to give yourself to someone else and submit fully, so the amateurs on here need to realise they stick out like a sore thumb  |
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"I'll start, for instance what is a Dom. Like many people I describe myself as a Dom, it's a title that's all, for me being Dom can be challenging it doesn't come naturally, I constantly have to remind myself of what my duty of care is to my sub, a sub doesn't always give you their submission, you have to obtain it. A true Dom doesn't just take control of you, try to order you around. That's not not dominance, that's bullying in my opinion.
A true Dom, is always respectful, will guide you, instruct you, encourage you, help you and drive you to reach your full potential. Not just for those moments in a scene but in life.
A true Dom will be and must be, the most supportive person you've ever met. They'look challenge you and teach you things about yourself you never knew. Ultimately, a Dom should bring out the very best in you. "
How very well put im looking to become owned but, well, it ain't happening. I've met guys who say they are dom but in reality have no idea what that actually is, I've met one guy who thought he was dom because he used violence and left marks (and ripped some of my hair out) and wouldn't use a safe word, then I met a guy years ago who was every bit as you describe above. I'm waiting on the day I meet a guy like that once more. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m lucky enough to have an excellent Dom, who I met on here.
He’s supportive, loving, caring and kind, but also rough, dominant and happily throws me around/uses me as he wishes. As we’ve built our relationship and bond, our trust in each other has grown, and we’ve expanded what we like to do.
As a submissive, I give myself to him fully, as I totally trust him, and know he always has my best interests at heart, and would never hurt me, beyond our agreed limits.
I am his 
Our relationship extends beyond D/s too |
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"The problem on this site and the other (Fet) is wannabe Dom’s. A guy recently asked specifically the BDSM people on this site to look at his profile and give advice or feedback. I gave feedback as he was going on about gaming and his football team, very little about his experience or what he’ll bring to a meet. He was adamant that he’s happy with what his profile states and keeping it that way, fair play but why ask in the first place ?
Too many guys contact me saying that they’re dominant, later in the conversation when I ask about their experience or attending munches or clubs their lack of knowledge is laughable.
They’re the main issue, a true Dom is all that you have described and a sub is well aware of the dynamic between the two. It’s not easy to give yourself to someone else and submit fully, so the amateurs on here need to realise they stick out like a sore thumb "
Totally agree..my respect to you for your great reply..Adam |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm not sure if I'm allowed to discuss my particular branch of kink here (DD/lg) but there are so many misconceptions around it that I could probably write my thesis on the topic.
But in short, I don't identify as a sub, a bottom yes, but primarily a little. And my husband doesn't identify as a dom in the traditional sense but is very much the one in charge in our dynamic. |
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"I’m lucky enough to have an excellent Dom, who I met on here.
He’s supportive, loving, caring and kind, but also rough, dominant and happily throws me around/uses me as he wishes. As we’ve built our relationship and bond, our trust in each other has grown, and we’ve expanded what we like to do.
As a submissive, I give myself to him fully, as I totally trust him, and know he always has my best interests at heart, and would never hurt me, beyond our agreed limits.
I am his
Our relationship extends beyond D/s too "
Thank you so much for your reply..That about sums it up, as it should be, my respects to your Dom, you and a blessing on your journey, your bond...Adam |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Whilst I agree with pretty much all you've said in your OP - I do have to pick up on the word "true" being used, which I know may seem pedantic but it's also used quite widely to justify an individuals definition of what a dominant or submissive is, when actually for me there is no such thing as a "true" dominant or submissive apart from what we each as individuals define for ourselves for those roles, and seek in others when looking for connections, and that definition may vary wildly from person to person and dynamic to dynamic.
Yes all of the qualities you describe come into it, and are important facets of *any* relationship (not just BDSM) but they don't necessarily provide a "true" definition for a very subjective topic that covers such a broad spectrum from occasional mild kink play at one end to very extreme 24/7 ownership at the other and all sorts in between.
The important thing though whatever the relationship and dynamic is knowledge and consent (from both sides) and without either of those the word "true" doesn't come into it at all, either individually or generally. |
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By *tew008Man
over a year ago
edinburgh |
"Whilst I agree with pretty much all you've said in your OP - I do have to pick up on the word "true" being used, which I know may seem pedantic but it's also used quite widely to justify an individuals definition of what a dominant or submissive is, when actually for me there is no such thing as a "true" dominant or submissive apart from what we each as individuals define for ourselves for those roles, and seek in others when looking for connections, and that definition may vary wildly from person to person and dynamic to dynamic.
Yes all of the qualities you describe come into it, and are important facets of *any* relationship (not just BDSM) but they don't necessarily provide a "true" definition for a very subjective topic that covers such a broad spectrum from occasional mild kink play at one end to very extreme 24/7 ownership at the other and all sorts in between.
The important thing though whatever the relationship and dynamic is knowledge and consent (from both sides) and without either of those the word "true" doesn't come into it at all, either individually or generally."
It isn’t something that should be generalized, much like people themselves they are all individual arrangements. Created through understanding. |
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"Are Doms always brutal and sadistic?"
Definitely not. They can be all kinds of wonderful too. The trick is finding one whose dominance compliments your submission or whichever dynamic you identify as. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Are Doms always brutal and sadistic?"
Again comes down to individual definition and interpretation - one person's brutal and sadistic may be another's mild and gentle.
A common misconception about BDSM is that it all about whips and chains and pain and humiliation - and whilst it can be, it doesn't have to be - in fact it can be whatever the two (or more) individuals involved agree it is - for some that might be light bondage with one simply taking control sexually - for others it may be a 24/7 arrangement with complete control over the submissives life and include all manner of pain and other extreme activities.
The key is, as I said above, knowledge and consent between all involved. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Are Doms always brutal and sadistic?
Again comes down to individual definition and interpretation - one person's brutal and sadistic may be another's mild and gentle.
A common misconception about BDSM is that it all about whips and chains and pain and humiliation - and whilst it can be, it doesn't have to be - in fact it can be whatever the two (or more) individuals involved agree it is - for some that might be light bondage with one simply taking control sexually - for others it may be a 24/7 arrangement with complete control over the submissives life and include all manner of pain and other extreme activities.
The key is, as I said above, knowledge and consent between all involved."
Absolutely this, every D/s relationship is different because everyone's relationships are different. Our D/s dynamic moved fast when we met each other 5 years ago but over the intervening period it has always evolved and we both hope it will carry on evolving. Always be wary of a Dom that thinks they know everything. Every day is (and should be) a school day.
We play at what most would consider the extreme end of D/s, so including electrics, fire and medical (D typing) So it is MY responsibility to ensure that everything done is off a huge learning base and is sane, legal and consensual.
Yes I am brutal and sadistic (and I quietly smile when I am being so) but I am also hugely caring because I want our relationship to be working tomorrow and the day after etc
Motto to D types - 'Don't break what you cannot mend' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don’t know what is is or what is isn’t. All I know is that I would never call myself a Dom. A recent partner of mine was submissive and has had previous partners who called themselves Dom’s.
She did used to say that some of those who claimed to be Dom weren’t at all and that even though I don’t clam to be a Dom I am naturally dominant. So what does that mean? I have no idea, I just know we had some great times together and it definitely opened my eyes to new possibilities  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Don't forget compromise.
You're hardly ever going to get someone who wants exactly the same as you.
You might like a lot of something whereas they might like it in small amounts.
You might like using a pin wheel, they may hate it.
You need to find that balance and accept that you might not get to do everything you like if their limits discount it.
Give and take, lots of talking and be safe |
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By *CandBCouple
over a year ago
Taunton |
"Are Doms always brutal and sadistic?"
Sadism and masochism can be entirely separate from dominance and submission.
It is more than possible to have a sadistic submissive and a masochistic Dom.
Sadism and masochism is about how you use and process pain (hint, it often means getting off on endorphins)
Dominance and submission is about the power relationship between two (or more) people |
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By *CandBCouple
over a year ago
Taunton |
"
You might like using a pin wheel, they may hate it.
One of the favorite 'go to' things when we are playing consensual non-consent
"
Try an electrified one... it has been described as a cutting sensation.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
You might like using a pin wheel, they may hate it.
One of the favorite 'go to' things when we are playing consensual non-consent
"
In that scenario maybe, normally limits should be respected  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
You might like using a pin wheel, they may hate it.
One of the favorite 'go to' things when we are playing consensual non-consent
We do that as well...
but even spinning the wheel in advance and being quick with also generates the cutting sensation
Try an electrified one... it has been described as a cutting sensation.
"
|
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In my own view, there is no right or wrong in BDSM its about the dynamic between the people.
I have friends that play with ropes and feathers, and others chains and whips. Different extremities on all the diffrent facets. Nilla people assume its a dark and dangerous place, and it can be, from wanna be doms/dommes with no idea what they are doing treating people without respect.
It is mostly full of caring, loving, and friends for life i am very happy to report... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In my own view, there is no right or wrong in BDSM its about the dynamic between the people.
I have friends that play with ropes and feathers, and others chains and whips. Different extremities on all the diffrent facets. Nilla people assume its a dark and dangerous place, and it can be, from wanna be doms/dommes with no idea what they are doing treating people without respect.
It is mostly full of caring, loving, and friends for life i am very happy to report... "
You are right. On the basis that I have a (theoretical)daughter that wanted to experience a club environment, where would be safest?
I would sooner her be at a fetish event than a 'normal' pissed up nightclub |
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I hear the fear in your message and feel it to. But rest assured if your daughter attended a good, well orgsnised fetish club, they have house dommes & doms together with marshalls. Keeping a vigilant eye out for anybody breaking house rules. Approaching people is allowed but at fetish clubs no definatly means no, not like the nightclubs where anything goes. Yes you still get the leary old men watching and wishing but one wrong move, they get booted, trust me i have seen it and done the booting. Alcohol and bdsm is not a good match, so play is frowned apon. Sad to say being a bloke, a small minority think being a dom they can become agressive and bullie. Happy to say many men are very kind considerate and know exactly what they are doing.
In answer, yes i would let my 25 old daughter go to a fetish club, its a safer environment, to smelly sticky nightclubs with no people managment.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A friend of mine recently had a meet with a supposed dom, it started off with a dare which involved him using a remote controlled love egg on her which later led to bleeding , it then progressed to a butt plug which was her first time of using and instead of starting off small he used the medium sized one which she found quite uncomfortable after a while and also to remove, he also came whilst using a paddle on her and marked her quite bad but she has a high pain threshold and to her t became more a "fuck you" then an enjoyable experience are these true traits of a dom or does this sound like a wannabe dom, she's always been intrigued by this lifestyle but this now seems to have put her off |
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"I'm not sure if I'm allowed to discuss my particular branch of kink here (DD/lg) but there are so many misconceptions around it that I could probably write my thesis on the topic.
But in short, I don't identify as a sub, a bottom yes, but primarily a little. And my husband doesn't identify as a dom in the traditional sense but is very much the one in charge in our dynamic. "
Absolutely adore dd/LG but like you said it’s the dynamic off it and connection not what some people equate it to be from the title |
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"A friend of mine recently had a meet with a supposed dom, it started off with a dare which involved him using a remote controlled love egg on her which later led to bleeding , it then progressed to a butt plug which was her first time of using and instead of starting off small he used the medium sized one which she found quite uncomfortable after a while and also to remove, he also came whilst using a paddle on her and marked her quite bad but she has a high pain threshold and to her t became more a "fuck you" then an enjoyable experience are these true traits of a dom or does this sound like a wannabe dom, she's always been intrigued by this lifestyle but this now seems to have put her off"
Wannabe dom or inexperienced.
There are many aspects to d/s not all involve rough pain or one sided. D/s is about the two dynamics coming together working together in whatever aspects bring pleasure to both
Common ground |
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"I hear the fear in your message and feel it to. But rest assured if your daughter attended a good, well orgsnised fetish club, they have house dommes & doms together with marshalls. Keeping a vigilant eye out for anybody breaking house rules. Approaching people is allowed but at fetish clubs no definatly means no, not like the nightclubs where anything goes. Yes you still get the leary old men watching and wishing but one wrong move, they get booted, trust me i have seen it and done the booting. Alcohol and bdsm is not a good match, so play is frowned apon. Sad to say being a bloke, a small minority think being a dom they can become agressive and bullie. Happy to say many men are very kind considerate and know exactly what they are doing.
In answer, yes i would let my 25 old daughter go to a fetish club, its a safer environment, to smelly sticky nightclubs with no people managment.... "
Couldn't have written this better  |
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"A friend of mine recently had a meet with a supposed dom, it started off with a dare which involved him using a remote controlled love egg on her which later led to bleeding , it then progressed to a butt plug which was her first time of using and instead of starting off small he used the medium sized one which she found quite uncomfortable after a while and also to remove, he also came whilst using a paddle on her and marked her quite bad but she has a high pain threshold and to her t became more a "fuck you" then an enjoyable experience are these true traits of a dom or does this sound like a wannabe dom, she's always been intrigued by this lifestyle but this now seems to have put her off"
I've always said and use the analogy, just because I can doesn't mean I should. I've often been in situations where discipline was needed by use of cane, flogger etc. The Sub had a high threshold and enjoyed the high she got from pain. As a Dom you have to remember that the sub can lose their self in that high and not be able to want the caning to end, it is the Dom's responsibility to monitor the limit and stop even if the sub doesn't want you too..Adam |
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One thing that's worth mentioning:
Like it or not, there *are* predators out there who use "being a dom" to get away with frankly abusive behaviour.
I see a lot of awful stories about the terrible experiences people have had, and it's heartbreaking.
BDSM can be such a wonderful, fulfilling thing, and there are just these awful bastards out there taking advantage of it. I hate it.
It's a minefield, sure, but you know what? As someone said above, a properly run BDSM event is a significantly safer environment than a conventional nightclub. |
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By *nfin8yWoman
over a year ago
Newcastle-under-Lyme |
"One thing that's worth mentioning:
Like it or not, there *are* predators out there who use "being a dom" to get away with frankly abusive behaviour.
I see a lot of awful stories about the terrible experiences people have had, and it's heartbreaking.
BDSM can be such a wonderful, fulfilling thing, and there are just these awful bastards out there taking advantage of it. I hate it.
It's a minefield, sure, but you know what? As someone said above, a properly run BDSM event is a significantly safer environment than a conventional nightclub. "
I agree with this completely. The potential for abuse by the wannabes is far greater in terms of meeting someone off any site especially without any prior contact. The whole basis for bdsm is in building the relationship and negotiating limits and boundaries and building trust. A club is a far safer environment in which to explore as a newcomer to bdsm with experienced people to learn from and to ensure safe practices. |
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By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago
Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro |
"A friend of mine recently had a meet with a supposed dom, it started off with a dare which involved him using a remote controlled love egg on her which later led to bleeding , it then progressed to a butt plug which was her first time of using and instead of starting off small he used the medium sized one which she found quite uncomfortable after a while and also to remove, he also came whilst using a paddle on her and marked her quite bad but she has a high pain threshold and to her t became more a "fuck you" then an enjoyable experience are these true traits of a dom or does this sound like a wannabe dom, she's always been intrigued by this lifestyle but this now seems to have put her off"
Trust and time are the key. The relationship develops into the dynamics which word for both of you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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For me, and I say that because every BDSM relationship is different, a BDSM relationship is simply about a power exchange between two people - one person has given power over to another.
As has been mentioned previously, there is no specific ‘right/true’ Dom because it is about what works for individuals, not what others think is ‘right/true’ for them.
I would stress there is most certainly an ‘ethical’ Dom; one that respects the boundaries and limits of the sub, one that gains consent and has a mechanism to remove consent at anytime for any reason, one that communicates honestly & openly and accepts the same in return, one that acts with the best interest and well-being of the sub at the heart of everything that is done.
What BDSM isn’t is simple - it is anything that does not have specific informed consent.
Specific Informed Consent - something that a couple have discussed, understood fully, set a framework too and agreed on. Consent is only truly consent if there is an active and understood mechanism to remove consent. As well as saying Yes, you must always be able to say No.
Mr HH |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't regard myself as a 'true' Dom and don't like the term but others may disagree freely. Definitely have a Dom streak that runs through but more of nurture 1st, build that relationship and then explore.
One of my proudest moments with a sub was her (someone previously very compliant, maybe too much so) where she decided on a meet that it wasn't for her after considerable prior planning. She said no and knew immediately that I stopped all play, dressed and we left. She had that faith and trust to know it was always her absolute choice and seeing her strength grow to make that decision was the most empowering feeling. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'll start, for instance what is a Dom. Like many people I describe myself as a Dom, it's a title that's all, for me being Dom can be challenging it doesn't come naturally, I constantly have to remind myself of what my duty of care is to my sub, a sub doesn't always give you their submission, you have to obtain it. A true Dom doesn't just take control of you, try to order you around. That's not not dominance, that's bullying in my opinion.
A true Dom, is always respectful, will guide you, instruct you, encourage you, help you and drive you to reach your full potential. Not just for those moments in a scene but in life.
A true Dom will be and must be, the most supportive person you've ever met. They'look challenge you and teach you things about yourself you never knew. Ultimately, a Dom should bring out the very best in you. "
I totally agree with you. From another perspective, however, I get a lot of messages from men who simply want pegging and are surprised when immediately refuse. Because I am domme in bdsm play, this does not mean I'll rock up, peg and leave (I won't peg at all, not my thing).
I like to get to know and trust any potential subs (male and female), and there's no play for quite some time in the beginning. I don't think you can rush a d/s relationship if you want that intense play, mutual trust and friendship.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't regard myself as a 'true' Dom and don't like the term but others may disagree freely. Definitely have a Dom streak that runs through but more of nurture 1st, build that relationship and then explore.
One of my proudest moments with a sub was her (someone previously very compliant, maybe too much so) where she decided on a meet that it wasn't for her after considerable prior planning. She said no and knew immediately that I stopped all play, dressed and we left. She had that faith and trust to know it was always her absolute choice and seeing her strength grow to make that decision was the most empowering feeling."
It is something I am very vocal about, a submissive’s safe word is theirs to use whenever they want, for whatever reason they want; it will be respected without hesitation and without question.
Obviously as part of the aftercare we will explore why and learn from that, but having a submissive feel comfortable and trusting enough to safe word is a very empowering feeling.
It is not just the submissive trusting that a Dominant will respect the safe word but the Dominant trusting the submissive to use it if they feel the need too.
Mr HH |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
I totally agree with you. From another perspective, however, I get a lot of messages from men who simply want pegging and are surprised when immediately refuse. Because I am domme in bdsm play, this does not mean I'll rock up, peg and leave (I won't peg at all, not my thing).
I like to get to know and trust any potential subs (male and female), and there's no play for quite some time in the beginning. I don't think you can rush a d/s relationship if you want that intense play, mutual trust and friendship.
"
Perfectly put and whilst of course individual likes/dislikes and boundaries/limits play a part, within those criteria I think an expectation of a specific activity (e.g. pegging) to happen is to an extent topping from the bottom.
In my (albeit limited practical, although extensive theoretical) experience the joy of submission lies partly in relinquishing control and having another choose the path you take and that can only come from mutual trust, respect and knowledge of any potential D/s partners in both directions. |
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