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Dad jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Ivy posted one of the best/worst jokes about yoda a few days ago and that was the inspiration for this.

Dad jokes are cringy and bad. So bad they are good.

Let's see ... how about this

When I die I want to be buried with my record collection.

It’ll be my vinyl resting place.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake.

Now it’s syncing.

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By *onkyLemonsCouple over a year ago

Nottingham

Finally!

Dad jokes would be my chosen expert subject on Mastermind.

What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste!

I call my printer Bob Marley, because it’s always jammin’

Been pretty bored during lockdown, so I decided to take up fencing.

The neighbours weren’t happy though and told me to put it back or they’d call the Police.

I’ve got more!

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By *mooth shaftMan over a year ago

Edinburgh

"Finally!

Dad jokes would be my chosen expert subject on Mastermind.

What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste!

I call my printer Bob Marley, because it’s always jammin’

Been pretty bored during lockdown, so I decided to take up fencing.

The neighbours weren’t happy though and told me to put it back or they’d call the Police.

I’ve got more!

We need more

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By *oeBeansMan over a year ago

Derby

Looking at the first 2 posts, is the thread where users come to die?

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By *elle xWoman over a year ago

Doire Theas

"Looking at the first 2 posts, is the thread where users come to die?

There’s going to be a lot of threads like this floating about for a bit

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

Why do women wear knickers with flowers on them ?

In loving memory of all the faces that were once buried there

Sorry I'll get my coat

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By *ooby birdWoman over a year ago

North West

More please

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've just peed my pants, hahaha

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Ruislip

A guy went to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his nose. The doctor said "I'd better give you some cream to put on that".

A man went to the doctor naked except for clingfilm wrapped round him. The doctor said "I can clearly see you're nuts".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Do you ever slip song lyrics into conversations? Haha, no me neither. But I would if I could turn back time

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By *it-of-AlrightMan over a year ago

South west

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I used to be addicted to the Okey Cokey, but I've turned it around now, and that's what it's all about.

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By *red and daphneCouple over a year ago

in the middle

Husband turns to his wife 'my bum is really burning, i don't know what it is'

'ring sting' his wife says

Husband replies 'How the fuck will he know? '

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An ex partner once asked if I'd ever be able to give up singing Oasis songs.

I said maybe......

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Purchased a new sat nav with a Bonnie Tyler’s voice.... had to return it though

Kept telling me to turn around..... then every now and then it’d fall apart

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

5/4 people admit they are bad with fractions.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man to a woman he’s getting to know: “Have you ever been lifted by the fuzz?”

Woman: “No but I have been swung by the nipples”

Man;

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went to the doctor the other day, told him I felt like a pair of curtains.

He told me to pull myself together...

I believe that joke gets a mention in the Magna Carta

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By *hisCharManMan over a year ago

South Manchester

Did you know that Stevie Nicks once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner.

She didn’t want to be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Did you know that Stevie Nicks once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner.

She didn’t want to be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.

I'm writing that down for later

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Enjoying these very much.

I'll be tellin' em.

Did you hear about the studio reverb processor that played poker. Often went Hall in.

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By *hisCharManMan over a year ago

South Manchester

"Did you know that Stevie Nicks once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner.

She didn’t want to be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.

I'm writing that down for later

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By *drian HardthrobMan over a year ago

Worcester

*sets down takeaway menu...

Are you telling me a chicken has fried this rice?

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By *athan 123Man over a year ago

rochdale oldham border

Got stung by a bee ?? last week

Yeah 3 quid for a jar of honey tad daaa

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By *pellboundCouple over a year ago

Derby and North Wales

I rang the Indian takeaway the other day and asked if they deliver

They said no, but we do chicken and beef

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you know Stevie Nicks turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner?

She didn’t want to be known as Stevie Shatna-Nicks

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you know the guy who played Captain Kirk has his own brand of underwear now?

Shatner pants

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By *inister_SpinsterWoman over a year ago

North West

"What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes

Love this one.

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By *uke olovingmanMan over a year ago

Gravesend

I broke a mirror the other day..got seven years bad luck...but my lawyer says he can get me five

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Country police got nowhere in their search for a lorry load of stolen turf. Nobody would grass on the culprit.

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

What’s long, hard and full of seamen

A submarine

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

Why do women’s knickers have a C&A label in them?

So they know which way round to wear them

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By *elix SightedMan over a year ago

Cloud 8

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk!!

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By *elix SightedMan over a year ago

Cloud 8

What do you call a cow with two udders?

Three cows

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call a cow with two udders?

Three cows"

That took a minute, it's late!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I came home the other day and saw 2 guys nicking my gate. I was going to say something but thought I'd better not incase they took a fence.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was leaving for work this morning and some guy was walking off with my front gate, didn’t like to say anything in case he took ‘offence’

* boom tish *

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I came home the other day and saw 2 guys nicking my gate. I was going to say something but thought I'd better not incase they took a fence."

haha..beat me to it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 nuns in a bath

‘Wares the soap’

‘Yes it does.. doesn’t it’

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 nuns in a bath

‘Wares the soap’

‘Yes it does.. doesn’t it’

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Dropped a massive glass jar of mayonnaise on my toe this morning..fucking Hellman

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

Why should you not take headache pills to the jungle?...

Because paracetemol

(Parrots eat 'em all)

I'll get me coat

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By *hesblokeMan over a year ago

Derbyshire village

"Why should you not take headache pills to the jungle?...

Because paracetemol

(Parrots eat 'em all)

I'll get me coat "

Don't play poker on the Savannah - too many cheetahs!

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By *ockosaurusMan over a year ago

Warwick

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

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By *ockosaurusMan over a year ago

Warwick

How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill

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By *ockosaurusMan over a year ago

Warwick

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea

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By * and M lookingCouple over a year ago

Worcester

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey

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By * and M lookingCouple over a year ago

Worcester

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was a kid

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By *uke olovingmanMan over a year ago

Gravesend

What do you call an Indian doorman

Mahatma coat

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By *nkforthekinkMan over a year ago

london/fareham

I use to be dyslexic! But now I’m ko!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I’ve heard a rumour that lots of Germans are stockpiling cheese & sausage in the anticipation of another COVID lockdown - in other words planning for a Wurst-Käse scenario

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference in a condom & coffin?

One is for cumming in.

One is for going in.

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By *ewfie02Couple over a year ago

Ayrshire

"Purchased a new sat nav with a Bonnie Tyler’s voice.... had to return it though

Kept telling me to turn around..... then every now and then it’d fall apart"

I bought the U2 version. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for

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By *uke olovingmanMan over a year ago

Gravesend

What's the difference between a sperm and an ovum.... there's a vas differens

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By *ewfie02Couple over a year ago

Ayrshire

I am looking for a rich widow with her own yacht. Send pictures of the boat

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