Anyone got any good jokes to share? Dont matter how crude or naughty, BUT NO jokes involving children, please!
One of my fav jokes:
A lesbian joins the weight watchers club, teacher says "you are what you eat". Lesbian says "you calling me a cunt?"  |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but it hurt like hell!"  |
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Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. One yells out
"Ooo I've never come this way before"
and the other one says
"I'm not surprised, there's roadworks and a diversion".
Bernard Righton at his best.
https://youtu.be/4kI-PHegT34 |
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There was a very sexually frustrated eagle flying around the skies...
All of a sudden he spots a dove ...sweeps down and has his way with the dove...
When he finnished and flies away the dove goes "I'm a dove, I'm a dove and I've just made love......and I liked it"....
But the eagle is still sexually frustrated and is still roaming the skies in search of another prey...when he spots a tit so he swoops down and has his wicked way with the tit when he finnished and flew away the tit goes "I'm a tit, I'm a tit, and I've just had a bit.........and I liked it.."
However the eagle is still not satisfied and is still searching for more fun...
He spots a duck so he sweeps down and again has his wicked way with the duck and when he's finished and flies off the duck goes " I'm a drake, I'm a drake you've just made a mistake......but i liked it" |
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Teacher asks a primary school class if anyone can make a sentence with the word "contagious" in it.
Little Johnny sticks his hand up and says "I can, Miss. Our next door neighbour's just started painting the outside of his house with a half inch paint brush and my dad says it'll take the contagious" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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D*unk guy goes into a jewellers and whips his cock out. The female counter assistant looks at him and says in a posh voice This is a clock shop NOT a cock shop. D*unk guy replies. I know get a couple of fuckin hands on that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A Crack Dealer was walking along selling Crack.
A man intruded and said "why are you doing that? Don't you know it fucks up people?"
So Crack...he hit him! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A Crack Dealer was walking along selling Crack.
A man intruded and said "why are you doing that? Don't you know it fucks up people?"
So Crack...he hit him!"
... and Crack went the sound of the 9" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A Crack Dealer was walking along selling Crack.
A man intruded and said "why are you doing that? Don't you know it fucks up people?"
So Crack...he hit him!... and Crack went the sound of the 9""
..and the sound of the chamber when it was empty! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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BREAKING: Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that due to the new Indian covid variant people will now be offered the Pun jab
Please start taking this Indian Covid Variant seriously !! my neighbour caught it and has been in a korma for a week and he's only just buried his naan. |
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By *lappyMan
over a year ago
Manchester |
I’m in the process of organising a huge game of hide and seek but good players are hard to find
Rita is retiring from the local petrol service after 35 years service, I must admit when I heard the news I was filling up |
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There are 3 types of people in this world.
Those who can count, and those who can't.
*********************************
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
***
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
The chicken. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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two midgets wanted a baby .They went to the doctor who asked them if they wanted a baby girl or a baby boy. The midgets said they didnt mind as long as it fitted inside a cannon. |
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"I apologise in advance to all the blondes out there...
What do blondes and turtles have in common?
If they're in their backs, they're fucked. "
Then there's the one about the two blondes feeling very pleased with themselves for finishing the jigsaw puzzle in 3 days when it says on the box 3 to 5 years. |
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"Give you an indication how old that joke is
The original version was
Difference between bing Crosby and Walt disney"
and Bing Crosby was still performing! Mow I'm trying to remember who told it. - A comedian who could do the Glaswegian accent.... |
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I was in the pub with a mate the other week and a group of lads started causing trouble trying to make a fight with us,
My mate whispered "if we pretend to be the police they will leave us alone"
I got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne and they kicked the shit out of us!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A girl calls her mother in tears. "Mum, I want a divorce", she cries.
"A divorce? Why?" asks her mother, shocked.
"All he wants in bed is anal sex!" the daughter replies. "I used to have a tight little arsehole, the size of a 5p piece, and now it's the size of a 50p piece!"
The mother replies, "Sweetie, you drive a Porsche, have two beautiful children in a private school, a villa in Provence, six holidays a year, and a platinum credit card. Do you want to give all that up for 45p?!"
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"There are 3 types of people in this world.
Those who can count, and those who can't.
*********************************
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
***
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
The chicken."
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"How many elephants can you get in a mini?
4, two in the front and two in the back.
How many giraffes can you get in a mini?
You can't, it's full of elephants already.
I'll get my coat."
What about the elephant in the trunk  |
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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
The pessimist sees only the dark in the tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees a train coming in the tunnel.
The train driver sees three complete eejits sitting on the railway line |
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Two local yokels..meet up in the village pub..
Where you been asked Sam.. nor seen you for a few weeks...Jack replies its the lambing season I've not been off the farm for three weeks, anything been happening in the village...?
Well said Sam they've opened one of them there brothels in the village,
You can drink as much as you want, have as much sex as you want and at the end of the night they give you £200 ...
Bloody hell says Jack that sounds a great night, have you been yourself
No replied Sam but the wife has... |
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Went to a chiropodist and got my cock out, the nurse screamed at me...'that is NOT a foot' to which I replied 'its a good eleven and a half inches'
Why do bears have fur coats ?
They look fucking stupid in anoraks...
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