FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Not quite a male harem... but
Not quite a male harem... but
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
I have wondered for a number of years actually, whether it is realistic (and fair) to expect one partner to meet all needs.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in the principle of a core family (whatever that might mean to people) as long as there are children and adolescents needing that relative stability. But once the kids have flown the nest...?
So I am thinking, providing people can be honest towards each other, it would be great to have a small number of people with whom you do different things. I love theatre and even opera, so I would like to have a partner with whom I could go to that. I also love the gym and would love a partner to talk about fitness stuff and even train together. Then there is travelling to interesting places... and I would love a person for that.
You get my drift - there are different people for different things, some of which could overlap. Sex could be with one or more if it suits both. I guess it is a kind of polyamory but not quite as in these people could live all over the country, maybe even abroad.
May that is a more realistic expectation for single people once the family has grown up? I am genuinely interested what people make of this concept. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"So, polyamory? "
I am not sure if it is that as the people have very specific "functions"? I do not think I d love them/ be in love with them all. Maybe I dont fully understand the concept of polyamory.
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"It does sound like polyamory... you don't need to live in the same country, you can even live abroad.
"
Maybe. I envisage no secrets or cheating for sure - just good fun and friendship, maybe one of them as a kind of lover ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not an odd concept. I've had similar thoughts along those lines in the past and always thought I'd be better off with a small group of people all for different things. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd get terribly confused with the different roles and would need a spreadsheet to avoid double booking. The thought of accidentally taking my Bondage buddy to non-league football gives me chills.  |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Not an odd concept. I've had similar thoughts along those lines in the past and always thought I'd be better off with a small group of people all for different things."
I am not just thinking about my needs here either. Yes, that is the origin of the concept but there is that thought that I would simply expect too much from one person and that would not be fair. Does that make sense? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I'd get terribly confused with the different roles and would need a spreadsheet to avoid double booking. The thought of accidentally taking my Bondage buddy to non-league football gives me chills. "
That is hysterically funny... I am visualising. Maybe I do need a spreadsheet |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not an odd concept. I've had similar thoughts along those lines in the past and always thought I'd be better off with a small group of people all for different things.
I am not just thinking about my needs here either. Yes, that is the origin of the concept but there is that thought that I would simply expect too much from one person and that would not be fair. Does that make sense? "
Yes that makes sense. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"It does sound like polyamory... you don't need to live in the same country, you can even live abroad.
Maybe. I envisage no secrets or cheating for sure - just good fun and friendship, maybe one of them as a kind of lover ?"
Yes. You don't have to love every person, you can have different types of relationships based on your specific dynamic with that person. One of my friends is something called solo poly - she has a couple of relationships with different people and several friendships encompassing activities like mentioned in the OP. The difference is there's no expectation or pressure to go on the escalator of a normal relationship (like moving in, marriage etc). It works perfectly for her. I'm poly and although I've sworn off having another partner for some time, I wouldn't be opposed to dating others.
Equally maybe it doesn't need labelling as being poly.  Maybe we just accept that people can't meet all the needs of one person and we do so with honesty, compassion and good communication and everyone is happy. |
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Personally I couldn't handle a polyamory situation with my personality. The whole thing is very much clouded in my head though as *every* person I've (knowingly) met involved in such a relationship has social / mental issues. Wouldn't dream of projecting that more broadly, but my small dataset, that's the case. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"
Equally maybe it doesn't need labelling as being poly. Maybe we just accept that people can't meet all the needs of one person and we do so with honesty, compassion and good communication and everyone is happy."
Maybe you are right - I love how you phrased it here. Maybe I am, in the back of my thoughts, more concerned with how it might look to my vanilla friends. I know it shouldn't matter.... but in all likelihood they might start worrying about their partners (I have no ambition there and never would do)
I am really happy to hear that it makes kind of sense, whatever we call it. Thank you |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Compartmentalization is OK in some friendships but to feel (that big word) about all of them would be too much."
I guess I am compartmentalising. And maybe it would feel different if I had strong feelings about more than one person.
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Personally I couldn't handle a polyamory situation with my personality. The whole thing is very much clouded in my head though as *every* person I've (knowingly) met involved in such a relationship has social / mental issues. Wouldn't dream of projecting that more broadly, but my small dataset, that's the case. "
DO you think, based on that experience, that perhaps we are kidding ourselves that this would be without complications?
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"
Equally maybe it doesn't need labelling as being poly. Maybe we just accept that people can't meet all the needs of one person and we do so with honesty, compassion and good communication and everyone is happy.
Maybe you are right - I love how you phrased it here. Maybe I am, in the back of my thoughts, more concerned with how it might look to my vanilla friends. I know it shouldn't matter.... but in all likelihood they might start worrying about their partners (I have no ambition there and never would do)
I am really happy to hear that it makes kind of sense, whatever we call it. Thank you "
I think the main problem is one common to society (and even swinging) in that these things get diluted and diluted. You used to find something to watch on TV as a family. Even if it was the Cook Report. But now there's a million channels... Eh there's nothing on. Lower levels of effort get invested in each bit, and the sum of the parts is so much lower in so many ways. |
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"It does sound like polyamory... you don't need to live in the same country, you can even live abroad.
Maybe. I envisage no secrets or cheating for sure - just good fun and friendship, maybe one of them as a kind of lover ?
Yes. You don't have to love every person, you can have different types of relationships based on your specific dynamic with that person. One of my friends is something called solo poly - she has a couple of relationships with different people and several friendships encompassing activities like mentioned in the OP. The difference is there's no expectation or pressure to go on the escalator of a normal relationship (like moving in, marriage etc). It works perfectly for her. I'm poly and although I've sworn off having another partner for some time, I wouldn't be opposed to dating others.
Equally maybe it doesn't need labelling as being poly. Maybe we just accept that people can't meet all the needs of one person and we do so with honesty, compassion and good communication and everyone is happy."
I have exactly this in my solo poly stable, a group of married and single men from different walks of life and we all have different relationships and they all know about each other, the most important thing to everyone is honest communication that is our glue |
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I'm polyamorous and I totally relate to this (though no pressure to use any of the same labels that I do). I have two partners. One of my partners also has another partner of 3 years and my other partner did have another partner as well as me but now only has me though is open to more.
I agree that it's absolutely impossible to share all the same interests as another person and to enjoy all the same things. I have things I share with both and things I only share with one as it isn't the others thing and vice versa. One goes to certain club events with his other partner that aren't really my thing. It works for us . |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"I'm polyamorous and I totally relate to this (though no pressure to use any of the same labels that I do). I have two partners. One of my partners also has another partner of 3 years and my other partner did have another partner as well as me but now only has me though is open to more.
I agree that it's absolutely impossible to share all the same interests as another person and to enjoy all the same things. I have things I share with both and things I only share with one as it isn't the others thing and vice versa. One goes to certain club events with his other partner that aren't really my thing. It works for us . "
Are you sure you don't have mental and/or social issues? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"It does sound like polyamory... you don't need to live in the same country, you can even live abroad.
Maybe. I envisage no secrets or cheating for sure - just good fun and friendship, maybe one of them as a kind of lover ?
Yes. You don't have to love every person, you can have different types of relationships based on your specific dynamic with that person. One of my friends is something called solo poly - she has a couple of relationships with different people and several friendships encompassing activities like mentioned in the OP. The difference is there's no expectation or pressure to go on the escalator of a normal relationship (like moving in, marriage etc). It works perfectly for her. I'm poly and although I've sworn off having another partner for some time, I wouldn't be opposed to dating others.
Equally maybe it doesn't need labelling as being poly. Maybe we just accept that people can't meet all the needs of one person and we do so with honesty, compassion and good communication and everyone is happy.
I have exactly this in my solo poly stable, a group of married and single men from different walks of life and we all have different relationships and they all know about each other, the most important thing to everyone is honest communication that is our glue "
And have you ever experienced, in the early days, elements of jealousy or possessiveness? |
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"I'm polyamorous and I totally relate to this (though no pressure to use any of the same labels that I do). I have two partners. One of my partners also has another partner of 3 years and my other partner did have another partner as well as me but now only has me though is open to more.
I agree that it's absolutely impossible to share all the same interests as another person and to enjoy all the same things. I have things I share with both and things I only share with one as it isn't the others thing and vice versa. One goes to certain club events with his other partner that aren't really my thing. It works for us .
Are you sure you don't have mental and/or social issues? "
Loads Meli! I collect them! |
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"It does sound like polyamory... you don't need to live in the same country, you can even live abroad.
Maybe. I envisage no secrets or cheating for sure - just good fun and friendship, maybe one of them as a kind of lover ?
Yes. You don't have to love every person, you can have different types of relationships based on your specific dynamic with that person. One of my friends is something called solo poly - she has a couple of relationships with different people and several friendships encompassing activities like mentioned in the OP. The difference is there's no expectation or pressure to go on the escalator of a normal relationship (like moving in, marriage etc). It works perfectly for her. I'm poly and although I've sworn off having another partner for some time, I wouldn't be opposed to dating others.
Equally maybe it doesn't need labelling as being poly. Maybe we just accept that people can't meet all the needs of one person and we do so with honesty, compassion and good communication and everyone is happy.
I have exactly this in my solo poly stable, a group of married and single men from different walks of life and we all have different relationships and they all know about each other, the most important thing to everyone is honest communication that is our glue
And have you ever experienced, in the early days, elements of jealousy or possessiveness? "
Most definitely, it took me 8 months to finally settle down with a group we all were happy with, I received the most drama from single guys who actually don't like sharing, that's the most common stumbling block, so I am extra picky of who I invite to join |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Personally I couldn't handle a polyamory situation with my personality."
Yes in theory for me it sounds good but I find it hard enough maintaining a single relationship let alone multiple ones. |
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By *tew008Man
over a year ago
edinburgh |
"I'd get terribly confused with the different roles and would need a spreadsheet to avoid double booking. The thought of accidentally taking my Bondage buddy to non-league football gives me chills. "
That would be bad confusing those two |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"It does sound like polyamory... you don't need to live in the same country, you can even live abroad.
Maybe. I envisage no secrets or cheating for sure - just good fun and friendship, maybe one of them as a kind of lover ?
Yes. You don't have to love every person, you can have different types of relationships based on your specific dynamic with that person. One of my friends is something called solo poly - she has a couple of relationships with different people and several friendships encompassing activities like mentioned in the OP. The difference is there's no expectation or pressure to go on the escalator of a normal relationship (like moving in, marriage etc). It works perfectly for her. I'm poly and although I've sworn off having another partner for some time, I wouldn't be opposed to dating others.
Equally maybe it doesn't need labelling as being poly. Maybe we just accept that people can't meet all the needs of one person and we do so with honesty, compassion and good communication and everyone is happy.
I have exactly this in my solo poly stable, a group of married and single men from different walks of life and we all have different relationships and they all know about each other, the most important thing to everyone is honest communication that is our glue
And have you ever experienced, in the early days, elements of jealousy or possessiveness?
Most definitely, it took me 8 months to finally settle down with a group we all were happy with, I received the most drama from single guys who actually don't like sharing, that's the most common stumbling block, so I am extra picky of who I invite to join "
Good to know, as I am starting on the journey  |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Personally I couldn't handle a polyamory situation with my personality.
Yes in theory for me it sounds good but I find it hard enough maintaining a single relationship let alone multiple ones."
You see I am thinking it would be easier - I wonder whether the frustrations of not being able to do all the things you want to do with one person might actually make it easier? I dont know as I have not done it yet but I am curious to find out. |
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"It does sound like polyamory... you don't need to live in the same country, you can even live abroad.
Maybe. I envisage no secrets or cheating for sure - just good fun and friendship, maybe one of them as a kind of lover ?
Yes. You don't have to love every person, you can have different types of relationships based on your specific dynamic with that person. One of my friends is something called solo poly - she has a couple of relationships with different people and several friendships encompassing activities like mentioned in the OP. The difference is there's no expectation or pressure to go on the escalator of a normal relationship (like moving in, marriage etc). It works perfectly for her. I'm poly and although I've sworn off having another partner for some time, I wouldn't be opposed to dating others.
Equally maybe it doesn't need labelling as being poly. Maybe we just accept that people can't meet all the needs of one person and we do so with honesty, compassion and good communication and everyone is happy.
I have exactly this in my solo poly stable, a group of married and single men from different walks of life and we all have different relationships and they all know about each other, the most important thing to everyone is honest communication that is our glue
And have you ever experienced, in the early days, elements of jealousy or possessiveness?
Most definitely, it took me 8 months to finally settle down with a group we all were happy with, I received the most drama from single guys who actually don't like sharing, that's the most common stumbling block, so I am extra picky of who I invite to join Good to know, as I am starting on the journey "
Good luck with it all and it really is worth all the time you will invest in it |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Isn't this what friends are for? People can be friends and do different things together without having to fuck each other. "
You have a good point there for sure. I guess I am looking for a bit more from at least (some) of my male partners. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Once people learn to acknowledge and accept that they do not have to be 100% of what their partner needs, and that does not make them a failure or lower their standing with their partner, then opening up your relationship/dynamic to others (regardless of the label you may choose) becomes a lot easier.
Jealousy is usually the main issue people face, as while it is easy to say you are happy to share, its often harder in practice due to FOMO.
But good luck on your journey, it can be more rewarding to have a stable stable, than constantly be on the hunt for someone new to scratch that itch. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can't really add anything new but just wanted to say good luck OP and I hope you enjoy and have fun. It's an exciting journey to be on and sometimes having a name for something makes it a little easier to understand  |
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I understand this thinking as it is what I do really when I think about it over the past long term.
spent most of my adult life single, have more male friends than female like 10/1 ratio. most I do not sleep with but all have separate interests from one another but at least a few with me.
as for long term or even time wise I'm on the sparce side with being a parent so nothing long term or definitively discussed about/between others has ever happened.
also the issue with spontaneous child free time not everyone is available at short notice either, so gives a wider scope of that too, i'm happy in my own company but also like company, discussions & activities of many areas.
part of my problem has been knowing I have odd views and trying to find others with the same that I am attracted to and can relate/spend non sex time with...which to me can be part of the build up and attraction.
Jealously I just cannot be bothered with and has caused so many issues in my life I'd rather it fecked off.
I suppose that makes me some kind of pan, fluid, single poly, polymath if you wanna label it all.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Isn't this what friends are for? People can be friends and do different things together without having to fuck each other.
You have a good point there for sure. I guess I am looking for a bit more from at least (some) of my male partners. "
Some people have a few FWB. If you want relationships just be open with them. |
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"Relationship anarchy.
Every individual connection is what it is. No more and no less.
Nobody can be anybody's everything.
Preach! "
It's what works for me.
I honestly believe a lot of people would be a lot happier if they were willing / able to try it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Relationship anarchy.
Every individual connection is what it is. No more and no less.
Nobody can be anybody's everything. "
Friendship exists where people don't fuck each other. |
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"Relationship anarchy.
Every individual connection is what it is. No more and no less.
Nobody can be anybody's everything.
Friendship exists where people don't fuck each other. "
And some people fuck their friends. Other people have relationships with people they don't fuck. So many options and possibilities to find what makes you happy |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"Relationship anarchy.
Every individual connection is what it is. No more and no less.
Nobody can be anybody's everything.
Friendship exists where people don't fuck each other. "
 Surely not.
Being serious relationship anarchy can incorporate saying - my platonic relationships are as important to me as my sexual ones. You take it all as it is and don't see some as lesser. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Relationship anarchy.
Every individual connection is what it is. No more and no less.
Nobody can be anybody's everything.
Friendship exists where people don't fuck each other.
And some people fuck their friends. Other people have relationships with people they don't fuck. So many options and possibilities to find what makes you happy "
Yep. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Relationship anarchy.
Every individual connection is what it is. No more and no less.
Nobody can be anybody's everything.
Friendship exists where people don't fuck each other.
And some people fuck their friends. Other people have relationships with people they don't fuck. So many options and possibilities to find what makes you happy "
Love this |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Relationship anarchy.
Every individual connection is what it is. No more and no less.
Nobody can be anybody's everything.
Friendship exists where people don't fuck each other.
Surely not.
Being serious relationship anarchy can incorporate saying - my platonic relationships are as important to me as my sexual ones. You take it all as it is and don't see some as lesser. "
Just feels sometimes like people are seen as worthless if there's not some fucking going on.
Platonic relationships and/ or monogamy are sometimes seen as terrible things.  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"
Being serious relationship anarchy can incorporate saying - my platonic relationships are as important to me as my sexual ones. You take it all as it is and don't see some as lesser.
Just feels sometimes like people are seen as worthless if there's not some fucking going on.
Platonic relationships and/ or monogamy are sometimes seen as terrible things. "
I get that. Monogamy, vanilla and platonic are almost scoffed at. Oh, and not kissing. I don't think any of those are terrible things.
My very, incredibly platonic friendship with a forum user means the world to me. It's a relationship albeit not one of rings etc. It's not terrible because I don't get to be disappointed by 10 seconds of his bull like thrusting. |
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"Relationship anarchy.
Every individual connection is what it is. No more and no less.
Nobody can be anybody's everything.
Friendship exists where people don't fuck each other.
Surely not.
Being serious relationship anarchy can incorporate saying - my platonic relationships are as important to me as my sexual ones. You take it all as it is and don't see some as lesser.
Just feels sometimes like people are seen as worthless if there's not some fucking going on.
Platonic relationships and/ or monogamy are sometimes seen as terrible things. "
Relationship anarchy is very much the opposite of that. It rejects the ideas of what a "proper relationship" is and leaves you open to form connections in whatever way suits you. One of those ideas is that sex isn't necessary for it to be a "proper relationship". Romantic relationships don't automatically have hierarchy over platonic relationships. Most polyamorous people I know don't see monogamy as a bad thing. It's a perfectly valid choice and people can and are absolutely be happy in monogamous relationships. It just shouldn't be the default or only option as it tends to be. We don't want to bring monogamy down, we just want more rights and healthy representation for ourselves. |
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The title of this thread made me chuckle, in the before times I often referred to a fwb or a FB as one of my harem.
I tend to describe myself as ethically non-monogamous & while I'm open to developing a relationship with a primary partner I don't intend to cohabit or do the 'relationship escalator'.
It isn't for everyone & you do have to work on how everyone deals with the negative emotions this style of relationship can sometimes elicit.
Do what feels right for you OP & good luck |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Relationship anarchy.
Every individual connection is what it is. No more and no less.
Nobody can be anybody's everything.
Friendship exists where people don't fuck each other.
Surely not.
Being serious relationship anarchy can incorporate saying - my platonic relationships are as important to me as my sexual ones. You take it all as it is and don't see some as lesser.
Just feels sometimes like people are seen as worthless if there's not some fucking going on.
Platonic relationships and/ or monogamy are sometimes seen as terrible things.
Relationship anarchy is very much the opposite of that. It rejects the ideas of what a "proper relationship" is and leaves you open to form connections in whatever way suits you. One of those ideas is that sex isn't necessary for it to be a "proper relationship". Romantic relationships don't automatically have hierarchy over platonic relationships. Most polyamorous people I know don't see monogamy as a bad thing. It's a perfectly valid choice and people can and are absolutely be happy in monogamous relationships. It just shouldn't be the default or only option as it tends to be. We don't want to bring monogamy down, we just want more rights and healthy representation for ourselves. "
Ahhh thank you. I tick that box then. |
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"Relationship anarchy.
Every individual connection is what it is. No more and no less.
Nobody can be anybody's everything.
Friendship exists where people don't fuck each other.
Surely not.
Being serious relationship anarchy can incorporate saying - my platonic relationships are as important to me as my sexual ones. You take it all as it is and don't see some as lesser.
Just feels sometimes like people are seen as worthless if there's not some fucking going on.
Platonic relationships and/ or monogamy are sometimes seen as terrible things.
Relationship anarchy is very much the opposite of that. It rejects the ideas of what a "proper relationship" is and leaves you open to form connections in whatever way suits you. One of those ideas is that sex isn't necessary for it to be a "proper relationship". Romantic relationships don't automatically have hierarchy over platonic relationships. Most polyamorous people I know don't see monogamy as a bad thing. It's a perfectly valid choice and people can and are absolutely be happy in monogamous relationships. It just shouldn't be the default or only option as it tends to be. We don't want to bring monogamy down, we just want more rights and healthy representation for ourselves.
Ahhh thank you. I tick that box then. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm sure most people would like a good character somewhere within that word friend.
Or nothing of any lasting happiness...even on the level of memory can be achieved.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have wondered for a number of years actually, whether it is realistic (and fair) to expect one partner to meet all needs.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in the principle of a core family (whatever that might mean to people) as long as there are children and adolescents needing that relative stability. But once the kids have flown the nest...?
So I am thinking, providing people can be honest towards each other, it would be great to have a small number of people with whom you do different things. I love theatre and even opera, so I would like to have a partner with whom I could go to that. I also love the gym and would love a partner to talk about fitness stuff and even train together. Then there is travelling to interesting places... and I would love a person for that.
You get my drift - there are different people for different things, some of which could overlap. Sex could be with one or more if it suits both. I guess it is a kind of polyamory but not quite as in these people could live all over the country, maybe even abroad.
May that is a more realistic expectation for single people once the family has grown up? I am genuinely interested what people make of this concept. "
I think it's a massive unfairness to expect one person to be EVERYTHING for their partner, that's a huge pressure. No-one would even think twice if you had different friends who shared your different interests, gym buddy, shopping and spa friend, dog walking pal but as soon as you bring opposite genders or even sex into the equation it's suddenly a no no in "polite society".
As to whether it would be classed as poly....it's probably some facet of poly that has a great name but I've not found out what it is yet |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
I have been thinking about it I guess, for many years, since I split from my children's father but maybe never quite saw it through out of concern of what it might be seen as in society. Now I am older and probably care less about that than about a more fulfilled life.
Your contributions at first glance have been amazing and all have valid points. I am going to read them again carefully - might even message some.
It seems to me that perhaps I need to worry less about the label and focus more on how I imagine this could/ would work.
Many thanks to everybody who took the time to reply. x |
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"
I have been thinking about it I guess, for many years, since I split from my children's father but maybe never quite saw it through out of concern of what it might be seen as in society. Now I am older and probably care less about that than about a more fulfilled life.
Your contributions at first glance have been amazing and all have valid points. I am going to read them again carefully - might even message some.
It seems to me that perhaps I need to worry less about the label and focus more on how I imagine this could/ would work.
Many thanks to everybody who took the time to reply. x"
Good luck with everything OP. The world is your oyster. There will always be someone who will judge you regardless of what you do so you may as well do what makes you happy . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I have been thinking about it I guess, for many years, since I split from my children's father but maybe never quite saw it through out of concern of what it might be seen as in society. Now I am older and probably care less about that than about a more fulfilled life.
Your contributions at first glance have been amazing and all have valid points. I am going to read them again carefully - might even message some.
It seems to me that perhaps I need to worry less about the label and focus more on how I imagine this could/ would work.
Many thanks to everybody who took the time to reply. x"
How would society know what you do in your private life? They don't know if you don't tell them.
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