Was chatting to another couple last night and the topic of ‘codes’ came up in the context of ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ in a social or meet situation.
They said they used tapping each other’s hands to keep it subtle. We don’t have any and feel we should.
What do others do? |
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We don't have codes. We always tell people we meet socially that we will discuss things between ourselves and get back to them. During a meet where we're actually playing we have an agreement that if we're not happy we just say "stop I need a time out" and everything stops while we sort out whatever the problem is. It's never happened yet.
Codes in our opinion are too open to misinterpretation |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Was chatting to another couple last night and the topic of ‘codes’ came up in the context of ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ in a social or meet situation.
They said they used tapping each other’s hands to keep it subtle. We don’t have any and feel we should.
What do others do?"
Go with the flow, you can tell when people hit it off and are interested.
A social meet for us is a must  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Was chatting to another couple last night and the topic of ‘codes’ came up in the context of ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ in a social or meet situation.
They said they used tapping each other’s hands to keep it subtle. We don’t have any and feel we should.
What do others do?"
Hello beautiful, lovely to see you here . I’m not one for codes, but I am good at the nonverbal states that convey a lot  |
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This reminded me of a party I was at with my ex. He was loving it but I wasn't all that comfortable. I spent the majority of the time in the kitchen with the cats 
Got to about 1am and I was done in and starting to get really anxious, pounding chest etc. I told him I needed to get out of there and it was time for us to go. 45 mins later I had to go looking for him and found him in the jacuzzi. I felt like a right cunt on so many levels.
Needless to say, he wasn't good at reading visible signs unless they were in his favour and ignored verbal ones unless they were in his favour. |
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We don't have a code but maybe we should. Most of the time we have socials first though so we would discuss after that what we both thought and decide from there if we would meet again. I also like to think we are quite good at being able to read each other. I know Mr has said to me before that he has known straight away when I haven't been interested in someone.
Kx |
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"One couple used the question "Did you feed the dog" then the person can reply with a yes or no.
I think it's a good idea to have a code of some sort."
It’s so weird that you wrote this as we discussed it post-writing this and having not read the replies we decided that the feeding the pet question was what we were going to go with too to ensure the other partner is happy in the situation.
I understand those that think codes are a bad thing but I would hate to just blurt out infront of people ‘what do you think, babe. Do you fancy her or not??’  |
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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago
Durham, North Yorkshire and can travel |
"One couple used the question "Did you feed the dog" then the person can reply with a yes or no.
I think it's a good idea to have a code of some sort.
It’s so weird that you wrote this as we discussed it post-writing this and having not read the replies we decided that the feeding the pet question was what we were going to go with too to ensure the other partner is happy in the situation.
I understand those that think codes are a bad thing but I would hate to just blurt out infront of people ‘what do you think, babe. Do you fancy her or not??’ "
Awkward |
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"One couple used the question "Did you feed the dog" then the person can reply with a yes or no.
I think it's a good idea to have a code of some sort.
It’s so weird that you wrote this as we discussed it post-writing this and having not read the replies we decided that the feeding the pet question was what we were going to go with too to ensure the other partner is happy in the situation.
I understand those that think codes are a bad thing but I would hate to just blurt out infront of people ‘what do you think, babe. Do you fancy her or not??’ "
We don't blurt out in front of people that would be rude.
 . The thing is though that quite a few people use the pet feeding question or similar and the ones you're meeting will know what you mean anyway. |
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One half of a couple we met socially during the day made a point of saying "we've only paid for an hour in the car park" after we'd been chatting for a few minutes. That was a clear indicator to us and their partner that they weren't interested. |
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By *nfin8yWoman
over a year ago
Newcastle-under-Lyme |
"This reminded me of a party I was at with my ex. He was loving it but I wasn't all that comfortable. I spent the majority of the time in the kitchen with the cats
Got to about 1am and I was done in and starting to get really anxious, pounding chest etc. I told him I needed to get out of there and it was time for us to go. 45 mins later I had to go looking for him and found him in the jacuzzi. I felt like a right cunt on so many levels.
Needless to say, he wasn't good at reading visible signs unless they were in his favour and ignored verbal ones unless they were in his favour."
Sounds more like he was the cunt to me. It’s awful that you were put in that position. |
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We came up with the code to put an arm around the other and rub their ear lobe to mean let's get away. In the Pub when a weird Man was chatting to us, then came the ear lobe rub. We had to stop ourselves from laughing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Was chatting to another couple last night and the topic of ‘codes’ came up in the context of ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ in a social or meet situation.
They said they used tapping each other’s hands to keep it subtle. We don’t have any and feel we should.
What do others do?"
just see how it goes and compare notes when you get home and say thanks for the drink etc x |
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"This reminded me of a party I was at with my ex. He was loving it but I wasn't all that comfortable. I spent the majority of the time in the kitchen with the cats
Got to about 1am and I was done in and starting to get really anxious, pounding chest etc. I told him I needed to get out of there and it was time for us to go. 45 mins later I had to go looking for him and found him in the jacuzzi. I felt like a right cunt on so many levels.
Needless to say, he wasn't good at reading visible signs unless they were in his favour and ignored verbal ones unless they were in his favour.
Sounds more like he was the cunt to me. It’s awful that you were put in that position. "
I was devastated at the time.
It's only when you look back that you realise how bad things were. Every time there was something like that, it was "ok, so now we know where we went wrong, we can make sure it doesn't happen again, it's all a learning curve"
There were many "learning curves", all of them incredibly upsetting
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"I was thinking more in the context of somewhere that play was in the equation, I think obviously if it’s only a social you can just talk about it in the car after "
My personal opinion is that if sex is a possibility there's no room for codes or ambiguity. We have an agreement that the one who is not happy asks to speak to the other privately. Anybody decent you meet will respect that. We voice our concerns and return to politely say we're not comfortable and will leave things there or if there's just a small thing like one of us is doing something the other doesn't like we explain and continue without doing whatever it is (never had to do that yet). We've only had to leave once at a private party. Everyone involved was very respectful...to our face .
Our relationship is too important to us to risk upset for fear of upsetting someone else |
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I think it's perfectly acceptable to say "can you just give us a minute" or similar and go off for a wee private chat. If we were meeting another couple who did I that I would feel reassured that they were having that conversation rather than one steering and the other potentially going along with something they didn't want to. Equally well if a prearranged code works for you as a couple I don't think that's incompatible with clear communication. It's just that some people are more comfortable than others about doing that in public. There is often the fear of offending but there are ways of being clear and open without being rude.
Mrs kf x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I usually make the couple an offer before asking them if they'd like to go and talk to the wall.
They never return but it doesn't half make me feel like Deborah Meaden. |
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