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Could you see the signs of a controlling relationship?
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
Could you see the signs? I was watching a program about it and it was interesting, the woman loved her husband, but he wasnt so happy as he started to get jealous as she kept going out with her work colleagues, he then didnt want her to see them anymore but she still wanted to see them. I would agree that these kind of things would be a sign of what more could happen, which it did too, is it a case of love is blind if one still want to be with that person? |
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"Could you see the signs? I was watching a program about it and it was interesting, the woman loved her husband, but he wasnt so happy as he started to get jealous as she kept going out with her work colleagues, he then didnt want her to see them anymore but she still wanted to see them. I would agree that these kind of things would be a sign of what more could happen, which it did too, is it a case of love is blind if one still want to be with that person?"
I think love can be blind  sadly
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would have said yes but found myself so deep into one it took huge effort to get out. It can be such an insidious creeping invasion that you don't realise till its too late.... Like the frog/boiling water analogy.
Like the poster above, I'm now very wary. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would have said yes but found myself so deep into one it took huge effort to get out. It can be such an insidious creeping invasion that you don't realise till its too late.... Like the frog/boiling water analogy.
Like the poster above, I'm now very wary. "
 
I think my friend is in such a relationship but it's very difficult knowing what to do or how to help. |
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I spent 20 years in a controlling relationship. It took me a few years after it ended to realise just how bad it has been. I am not a stupid person, I could spot in other’s relationships but not my own 
J x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Having experienced it, yes I could now. The thing with controlling partners is they be everything you want them to be and more at the beginning and then slowly but surely exert their control over you. At first it will something small like getting 'upset' that you didn't invite them to come out with your friends. So for a little while you don't go out without them, then the next time you so they're hurt because you've done it again despite them being 'upset' last time. Or they'll just make jokey comments first and then before you know it they're insulting you at every opportunity. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would have said yes but found myself so deep into one it took huge effort to get out. It can be such an insidious creeping invasion that you don't realise till its too late.... Like the frog/boiling water analogy.
Like the poster above, I'm now very wary.
I think my friend is in such a relationship but it's very difficult knowing what to do or how to help. "
It can be impossible until they admit they want help
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would have said yes but found myself so deep into one it took huge effort to get out. It can be such an insidious creeping invasion that you don't realise till its too late.... Like the frog/boiling water analogy.
Like the poster above, I'm now very wary.
I think my friend is in such a relationship but it's very difficult knowing what to do or how to help.
It can be impossible until they admit they want help
"
Your friend probably doesn't even see it.. its tricky because mentioning it could cause a fall out. Sad but true. As already said its something they have to admit and accept before you can approach the subject. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would have said yes but found myself so deep into one it took huge effort to get out. It can be such an insidious creeping invasion that you don't realise till its too late.... Like the frog/boiling water analogy.
Like the poster above, I'm now very wary.
I think my friend is in such a relationship but it's very difficult knowing what to do or how to help.
It can be impossible until they admit they want help
Your friend probably doesn't even see it.. its tricky because mentioning it could cause a fall out. Sad but true. As already said its something they have to admit and accept before you can approach the subject."
Yes this. Was just going to say it's like what you said in your post above. The "don't go out because it makes me sad" stuff. Suddenly being ill on a day that plans were made.
Insidious.
I don't think they realise it's happening yet so can't admit they want help. |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
"That's not what I regard a controlling relationship Shag, just one where the two people need lessons in communication and compromise"
Still classified as controlling as people have freedom of choice and it continues in a relationship the right to hangout with friends and enjoy without the other half feeling the need to stop this happening it's controlling the moment a person is against early signs of further controlling being clothes moment he or she says they don't like it but it may make you feel comfortable wearing it.... |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Considering the types of relationships I have involve elements of consensual power exchange, then yes I think I could spot a controlling relationship. Helping them identify and deal with it though is another matter. |
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In grown-up relationships there is a need for communication and also show some compromise I don't feel it would be right for him to stop her going out to see friends but I can see why jealousy could Creep in if it was often and who she was meeting..
Your not really giving us a big picture to look at object but I would be more concerned if he was controlling her money or if she was controlling his routines.
As if you was really looking to control somebody withholding money would stop them from seeing people and in prisoner in the house also could cutting off escape routes.
Sometimes a little jealousy is justified. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/i-am-nicola-channel-4-vicky-mcclure-coercive-control-domestic-abuse-drama-a9017651.html
On Channel 4 a couple of years ago.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes this. Was just going to say it's like what you said in your post above. The "don't go out because it makes me sad" stuff. Suddenly being ill on a day that plans were made.
Insidious.
I don't think they realise it's happening yet so can't admit they want help. "
Definitely agree about the sudden illness on a day that plans have been made. They are controlling every aspect of your life without you realising it. Money, social life, family, friends, work life. And you genuinely don't see it coming x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Actually many people don't see it until they are so entangled in the yarn of coercive words.. that when they they stand up and try to leave, they just trip. Or are told they won't manage without their perpetrator. Drip drip the message.. control their mind until they are so lost and confused they can't find the way out of the maze. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One word for you- gaslightning. Its so tricky to spot at times. Hungry heart eat lies easily and start relying on that one person for validation and life wisdom. Then it's probably just the fear or acceptance. And yes I can spot it but if these are subtle things, pattern of them over time, others around may not notice. Especially if you don't share your doubts or troubles with anyone. |
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Yes and have challenged a friend about it but they wouldn't listen. Little things like never letting her go put with friends in her own. They always had to come, even in girls nights out.if they did go out alone they would come home to them packing their bags and threatening to leave because they thoughtpre of their friends than him.
Buting clothes as presents that were too small to try and shame them in to losing weight. Buying clothes that were just not her style because that's what he liked.
Sadly you can challenge and point these things out all you want but if they don't want to see it they won't. All you can do is be there for them when they finally realise what has been going on. |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
And are those who don't realise that they are controlling because they think what they are doing is what he or she may want unless it's an aggressive behaviour relationship just because it's not what they want you to do it turns into a argument each time still controlling and might be the person doesn't realize what he or she is doing and how it's effects the other |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"One word for you- gaslightning. Its so tricky to spot at times. Hungry heart eat lies easily and start relying on that one person for validation and life wisdom. Then it's probably just the fear or acceptance. And yes I can spot it but if these are subtle things, pattern of them over time, others around may not notice. Especially if you don't share your doubts or troubles with anyone. "
There's often no one left to tell because you're not allowed your own friends and have lost touch with family.
I have been there.
It was very subtle - almost brilliant the way he manipulated me.
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By *ewrocksWoman
over a year ago
button moon |
Its gradual. I always said I'd be off like a shot if a guy got controlling.
But it was slow to start with, and at the same time he chipped away at my self esteem. By the time I got out, it had escalated to physical I came away with broken wrist and teeth.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"One word for you- gaslightning. Its so tricky to spot at times. Hungry heart eat lies easily and start relying on that one person for validation and life wisdom. Then it's probably just the fear or acceptance. And yes I can spot it but if these are subtle things, pattern of them over time, others around may not notice. Especially if you don't share your doubts or troubles with anyone.
There's often no one left to tell because you're not allowed your own friends and have lost touch with family.
I have been there.
It was very subtle - almost brilliant the way he manipulated me.
"
I always think to myself, if it wasn't so fuckinh twisted.. you could say the way they do it is no less than genius x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"And are those who don't realise that they are controlling because they think what they are doing is what he or she may want unless it's an aggressive behaviour relationship just because it's not what they want you to do it turns into a argument each time still controlling and might be the person doesn't realize what he or she is doing and how it's effects the other"
Yeah this is where I'm stuck. I'm not sure if the controlling is intentional or coming from a place of wanting to help.
Or just being so incredibly selfish and insecure, it's the way they are.
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There were plenty of tell tales but in isolation,they appear silly, circumstantial, justified even. It's difficult to see when you're in the eye of the storm, it's only when you step out, you see the devastation and destruction for what it is.
C |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
Not wanting to dumb down anyone’s bad experience being bullied etc but do you think there are just bad matches rather than bad people?
A friend of mine used to be very controlling over her husband, she would also call him weak and pathetic and despised him although her was a lovely guy , gave her anything and a great father. She left him for a real nasty bastard that used to beat her when high on c*ke and not let her go out. Finally she found a guy who is really nice but strong willed , and no pushover and they seem absolutely perfect for each other |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not wanting to dumb down anyone’s bad experience being bullied etc but do you think there are just bad matches rather than bad people?
A friend of mine used to be very controlling over her husband, she would also call him weak and pathetic and despised him although her was a lovely guy , gave her anything and a great father. She left him for a real nasty bastard that used to beat her when high on c*ke and not let her go out. Finally she found a guy who is really nice but strong willed , and no pushover and they seem absolutely perfect for each other "
I think there are bad behaviours, not bad people. Not everyone is willing to admit they have anger problem for example and need help channeling their feelings in a more civil non oppressive way. It's interesting how she switched the roles in different relationships. But it's doesn't mean still that it's a bad match. In fact I have met women justifying that behaviour at all the times. "But s/he just wants me to get better!". No .. you don't have to get better. They do. They will never stop seeing flaws in you. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
"Could you see the signs? I was watching a program about it and it was interesting, the woman loved her husband, but he wasnt so happy as he started to get jealous as she kept going out with her work colleagues, he then didnt want her to see them anymore but she still wanted to see them. I would agree that these kind of things would be a sign of what more could happen, which it did too, is it a case of love is blind if one still want to be with that person?
I think love can be blind sadly
"
Yes. I think so too, it can be that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not wanting to dumb down anyone’s bad experience being bullied etc but do you think there are just bad matches rather than bad people?
A friend of mine used to be very controlling over her husband, she would also call him weak and pathetic and despised him although her was a lovely guy , gave her anything and a great father. She left him for a real nasty bastard that used to beat her when high on c*ke and not let her go out. Finally she found a guy who is really nice but strong willed , and no pushover and they seem absolutely perfect for each other
I think there are bad behaviours, not bad people. Not everyone is willing to admit they have anger problem for example and need help channeling their feelings in a more civil non oppressive way. It's interesting how she switched the roles in different relationships. But it's doesn't mean still that it's a bad match. In fact I have met women justifying that behaviour at all the times. "But s/he just wants me to get better!". No .. you don't have to get better. They do. They will never stop seeing flaws in you. "
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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago
Newry Down |
This is a complex subject; the really successful controller, that I personally experienced, can be so good at it, that it is only when the so-called relationship ends, that you realise how coercive their behaviour really was.
I would describe myself as being in a process of recovery from a controlling coercive relationships.
You begin to realise the utterly bizarre nonsence that you were obliged to tolerate for fear of provoking the wrath of the narcissistic abuser; life can truly begin, eventually! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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After being in a controlling and abusive relationship for over 22 years, yes I would now. I definitely didn’t see it when I was in that place. It just invades your life so slowly and as he’s doing everything for you to show his love you let things carry on. The gradual erosion of your self esteem, the freedom to go out and meet friends, taking care of how you look, so many small things that mount up to him having total control.
It’s easy for people to say leave, but it’s not so easy when they have you believing that you wouldn’t survive without them. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think I would see more of the signs now because I've been there. I couldn't see it when I was in the middle of it though until it was pointed out to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not wanting to dumb down anyone’s bad experience being bullied etc but do you think there are just bad matches rather than bad people?
A friend of mine used to be very controlling over her husband, she would also call him weak and pathetic and despised him although her was a lovely guy , gave her anything and a great father. She left him for a real nasty bastard that used to beat her when high on c*ke and not let her go out. Finally she found a guy who is really nice but strong willed , and no pushover and they seem absolutely perfect for each other
I think there are bad behaviours, not bad people. Not everyone is willing to admit they have anger problem for example and need help channeling their feelings in a more civil non oppressive way. It's interesting how she switched the roles in different relationships. But it's doesn't mean still that it's a bad match. In fact I have met women justifying that behaviour at all the times. "But s/he just wants me to get better!". No .. you don't have to get better. They do. They will never stop seeing flaws in you.
"
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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago
Newry Down |
Frankly, it was only after watching the many videos, available online, that I understood coercive control.
The key is to get out safely, if currently immersed, but also to have the self-confidence and personal skills to call a halt at the first red flags in a new relationship.
Coercive controllers are often profoundly insecure damaged people, who are the product of dysfunctional family cultures, that may be intergenerational in origin.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes, when someone is constantly looking to see what 'their possession' is looking at.
Or when 'their possession' is talking to a member of the opposite sex (in their company) and they are looking at 'their possesion' just a bit too much....not really engaging with that other person.
When they display acts of attachment i.e kissing, touching regularly at inappropriate times or too much.
Like adhesive glue!
All these are things I have seen others do or suffer.
Although some must like to be on the receiving end of all that.
I myself prefer earned trust. |
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I think we all like to think we would and I thought I would but I didn't until I had a sudden unsettling realisation about 3 months after we split. Its something that happens so gradually and with so much manipulation that you can't always see it when you're in the midst of it. It's kind of scary really. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's not a case of love being blind it's about very spacific techniques being used to manipulate a person ans stop them trusting there own judgment like love bombing, gaslighting etc |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think we all like to think we would and I thought I would but I didn't until I had a sudden unsettling realisation about 3 months after we split. Its something that happens so gradually and with so much manipulation that you can't always see it when you're in the midst of it. It's kind of scary really. "
If anyone is not aware of existence of power cycle and domestic abuse cycle they would find it hard to understand.. |
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"I think we all like to think we would and I thought I would but I didn't until I had a sudden unsettling realisation about 3 months after we split. Its something that happens so gradually and with so much manipulation that you can't always see it when you're in the midst of it. It's kind of scary really.
If anyone is not aware of existence of power cycle and domestic abuse cycle they would find it hard to understand.. "
I don’t know about anyone else, but for me part of the problem is that as a young adult I thought of domestic abuse as the man hitting the woman, and it all seemed very clear-cut and black-and-white. I was all full of “if any man ever hits me I’ll be gone straight away” (though in practice I failed on that one as well). But I didn’t know anything about coercive control, and by the time I learned what it looked like it was too late. |
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"I think we all like to think we would and I thought I would but I didn't until I had a sudden unsettling realisation about 3 months after we split. Its something that happens so gradually and with so much manipulation that you can't always see it when you're in the midst of it. It's kind of scary really.
If anyone is not aware of existence of power cycle and domestic abuse cycle they would find it hard to understand..
I don’t know about anyone else, but for me part of the problem is that as a young adult I thought of domestic abuse as the man hitting the woman, and it all seemed very clear-cut and black-and-white. I was all full of “if any man ever hits me I’ll be gone straight away” (though in practice I failed on that one as well). But I didn’t know anything about coercive control, and by the time I learned what it looked like it was too late."
I think this is also very common. Teenagers certainly don't get taught enough about this stuff and there's an increase in issues of abuse between teenagers. So many don't realise it isn't normal to not be allowed opposite sex friends or for your partner to demand complete access to your phone for example. Also often jealousy and possessiveness can be romanticised as a sign someone really loves you which isn't helpful. You see things online and in magazines where people are asking how to make their partner jealous. Why would you want to? |
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"I think we all like to think we would and I thought I would but I didn't until I had a sudden unsettling realisation about 3 months after we split. Its something that happens so gradually and with so much manipulation that you can't always see it when you're in the midst of it. It's kind of scary really.
If anyone is not aware of existence of power cycle and domestic abuse cycle they would find it hard to understand..
I don’t know about anyone else, but for me part of the problem is that as a young adult I thought of domestic abuse as the man hitting the woman, and it all seemed very clear-cut and black-and-white. I was all full of “if any man ever hits me I’ll be gone straight away” (though in practice I failed on that one as well). But I didn’t know anything about coercive control, and by the time I learned what it looked like it was too late.
I think this is also very common. Teenagers certainly don't get taught enough about this stuff and there's an increase in issues of abuse between teenagers. So many don't realise it isn't normal to not be allowed opposite sex friends or for your partner to demand complete access to your phone for example. Also often jealousy and possessiveness can be romanticised as a sign someone really loves you which isn't helpful. You see things online and in magazines where people are asking how to make their partner jealous. Why would you want to? "
There’s also a massive double-standard where it seems very normalised for men to not be allowed to be friends with women because their wives don’t like it, when really I see that as the thin end of the wedge. |
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I think it's important to be mindful of eachothers space when emotions develop into love. This is where things can get squiffy and negative emotions can develop.
Besides which, I think loving someone is where you don't feel you 'need' that person (other than life challenges ofc ) , you compliment eachother.
Being happy in yourself comes first before relations methinks..
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
My daughter (15) has ended her almost 7 month relationship with a lad in the year above recently. I believe he had it in him to use emotional bl**kmail and control over her, there were a few red flags for me. She's upset but knows she's done the right thing.
Example: You can't end our relationship, it's our 7 month anniversary soon.
Example: Let me know what I can do to make me better.
Example: Putting things in their private story on snap that infer that her friends are all going out together but she's going to see him because they love each other....
At 15!@!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I dont think you particulary see the signs from the inside, you just know that something doesnt feel right but get convinced otherwise. I can see signs in others a mile away funnily enough or can raise an eyebrow at things said that don't sound right. So, I could help others but not myself!  |
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
"I dont think you particulary see the signs from the inside, you just know that something doesnt feel right but get convinced otherwise. I can see signs in others a mile away funnily enough or can raise an eyebrow at things said that don't sound right. So, I could help others but not myself! "
You are right there. I think it is also easier to see the signs in others rather than you see them happening to yourself as clearly |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
Now I'm free yes, 10 years of my life being slowly controlled to the point where I couldn't leave the house to see a friend or have a day off work without having to tell when,where,who with and photo proof |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Doesn't this all boil down to trust or lack of?"
No. Controlling or coercive behaviour has little to do with a lack of trust between one partner and the other, as even with a lack of trust you can still treat people in a decent way.
The following is from the cps website:
Coercive behaviour is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim
Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour |
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(fem). 