FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Is it acceptable..
Is it acceptable..
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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not to want kids in our society.
Following on from the having kids thread, there seems to be a lot of focus on having children, as a woman it's a question I get asked a lot. I decided from a very early age that having children was not something I wanted. I've never had that 'broody' feeling or any desire to conceive.
So many conversations result in the same answers..
'Your young, you'll change your mind'
'When you get older, the maternal instinct will kick in'
'It's selfish not to have kids'
It seems as a woman, not wanting kids is an odd thing. I know my own mind and it's not going to change.
So do you see people differently if they don't want children? Have you ever wondered why people don't want them? Or is just being a woman means being a mother is expected of you?
Any thoughts.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Most of my female friends have decided they didn't want kids and thus never had them! And this is getting much more common to be fair ... I have two and so far neither want kids |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Absolutely acceptable and normal, your life, your choices! One of my closest female friends said the same as you when we were teenagers and thirty years on she has no regrets. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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From my point of view it's not something I'm bothered about. I'd probably ask 'why?' (I'd also ask someone 'why?' if they said they definetly wanted children) but just out of interest.
In society it should be acceptable but is probably still seen as an 'odd thing' to not want children.
Another question could be do some feel pressure to have children when they don't want them? |
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Other people's life choices are not my business. I have two sisters who never wanted to marry and have kids and they haven't. They're in their 60s and are seen as odd in our community.
My other half doesn't like kids. Has never wanted kids. I think it more strange people who have kids they claim to want then abuse them. |
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By *oveAndBangCouple
over a year ago
where the mood takes us |
It's so annoying to hear the same questions every time we talk about having kids. Sometimes when someone is super pushy about it we like to ask 'how do You know if we simply can't have children? ' it usually works well enough to stop asking about it  |
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No children here too , it's never been an "ambition" , I married a guy who didn't want children and that consolidated my decision .
No regrets 
Conversations have now gone from ...you should have a baby to why don't you get a cat ?
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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never wanted kids, never been paternal, not particularly great with other people's kids.
although over the last 12 months I've found myself wondering what happens when I'm old... I'm likely to have no family left at some point so when that happens I'll be growing old by myself.
morbid thought, really, and probably prompted by the clusterfuck the last 12 months has been... and at no point have I actively 'wanted' kids in that time, its just been a thought buzzing round my head. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's so annoying to hear the same questions every time we talk about having kids. Sometimes when someone is super pushy about it we like to ask 'how do You know if we simply can't have children? ' it usually works well enough to stop asking about it "
That's a good point actually, people might not be able to have children which makes it more uncomfortable to talk about. |
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By *ickJMan
over a year ago
Hemel Hempstead |
I think it's completely acceptable not to want to have kids. I have 2, but I know people who don't.
It's also good for the planet to be doing your bit to counteract population explosion. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"From my point of view it's not something I'm bothered about. I'd probably ask 'why?' (I'd also ask someone 'why?' if they said they definetly wanted children) but just out of interest.
In society it should be acceptable but is probably still seen as an 'odd thing' to not want children.
Another question could be do some feel pressure to have children when they don't want them?"
Pressure is the thing, especially from parents. I think their desire to be grandparents doesn't allow them to accept it's never going to happen. I can imagine a lot of people have had children because its what society expects of them. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"never wanted kids, never been paternal, not particularly great with other people's kids.
although over the last 12 months I've found myself wondering what happens when I'm old... I'm likely to have no family left at some point so when that happens I'll be growing old by myself.
morbid thought, really, and probably prompted by the clusterfuck the last 12 months has been... and at no point have I actively 'wanted' kids in that time, its just been a thought buzzing round my head."
I've been told that many of times too.. who's going to look after you when your old? I understand what your saying, I think being alone is a scary thought for a lot of people. But for me, I'd rather grow old alone than bring kids into this world that aren't wanted. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"never wanted kids, never been paternal, not particularly great with other people's kids.
although over the last 12 months I've found myself wondering what happens when I'm old... I'm likely to have no family left at some point so when that happens I'll be growing old by myself.
morbid thought, really, and probably prompted by the clusterfuck the last 12 months has been... and at no point have I actively 'wanted' kids in that time, its just been a thought buzzing round my head.
I've been told that many of times too.. who's going to look after you when your old? I understand what your saying, I think being alone is a scary thought for a lot of people. But for me, I'd rather grow old alone than bring kids into this world that aren't wanted."
100% this... and the pressure from parents thing is an interesting one. if I don't have kids my mum doesn't have grandkids - but that isn't a good reason to have kids!
probably explains why she idolises the puppy... I think deep down she knows its the closest she is going to get to a grandchild |
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I think it’s entirely ok to feel as you feel. I’m a parent and have been enriched by my children but it doesn’t mean that everybody is the same.
I can see an argument to suggest that it is selfish to actually have children.
This is a decision for the individual and society has no bearing on it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m the same. I have never, in my entire life felt the need to procreate or felt broody. Such an unappealing concept for me.
A lot of people genuinely can’t fathom the decision though. I continually get told ‘I’ll change my mind’ (pretty sure I won’t at 35) that I should ‘have at least one’ (I don’t want a horse either, so should I get one and see if it changes my mind?) and my all time favourite..... ‘who’ll look after you when you’re old!??’ 
I think it’s slowly becoming more socially acceptable now to just come out and say I’m childFREE not childLESS (everyone assumes that I can’t have children, not that I simply don’t want them).
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I never wanted kids although I love them and the thought of being a father. A history of mental health and autism in my family stopped me subconsciously and consciously as I was worried my kids might have the same traits.in the last couple of years I have discovered more about my family and the reasons and now feel my kids may have been ok. I'm 45 so feel its too late now. Some days I'm really sad about it, some days I'm ok. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Here's video of Ricky Gervais talking about it. You've probably seen it but still funny enough to watch it again
https://youtu.be/6oyJHZOSHw0"
I know hilarious I love him, tells it how it is  |
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"Here's video of Ricky Gervais talking about it. You've probably seen it but still funny enough to watch it again
https://youtu.be/6oyJHZOSHw0"
Seen it many times , is it slightly offensive, maybe ...
Is it is funny ... Absofuckinlutely  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’m the same. I have never, in my entire life felt the need to procreate or felt broody. Such an unappealing concept for me.
A lot of people genuinely can’t fathom the decision though. I continually get told ‘I’ll change my mind’ (pretty sure I won’t at 35) that I should ‘have at least one’ (I don’t want a horse either, so should I get one and see if it changes my mind?) and my all time favourite..... ‘who’ll look after you when you’re old!??’
I think it’s slowly becoming more socially acceptable now to just come out and say I’m childFREE not childLESS (everyone assumes that I can’t have children, not that I simply don’t want them).
"
That's what puzzles me too, that people can't understand it. They make you feel like there's something wrong with you. I can't imagine why people would want kids but I would never ask them to explain it to me. |
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By *oveAndBangCouple
over a year ago
where the mood takes us |
"Here's video of Ricky Gervais talking about it. You've probably seen it but still funny enough to watch it again
https://youtu.be/6oyJHZOSHw0
I know hilarious I love him, tells it how it is "
So our approach is the same
"We want to be born!"
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
It’s just another example of how society places pressure on people to conform and of how society views women’s bodies.
How dare you make your own life choices and do what you want with your body! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I never wanted kids although I love them and the thought of being a father. A history of mental health and autism in my family stopped me subconsciously and consciously as I was worried my kids might have the same traits.in the last couple of years I have discovered more about my family and the reasons and now feel my kids may have been ok. I'm 45 so feel its too late now. Some days I'm really sad about it, some days I'm ok."
That's understandable completely. That's one of the reasons I wouldn't want children either.. my mental health. I've struggled in the past and I know I wouldn't cope with the demands of being a parent.
Your not too old though, if its something you want, it can absolutely still happen. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Selfish not to have them?? I can’t fathom what their logic it. It would be selfish of you to have them to satisfy a few people’s ill-informed opinions and advice.
I had mine when I was ready and it’s my privilege to be his dad. |
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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago
Stirling |
I’ve never wanted kids, and I get ‘you just haven’t met the right person’ ‘you will change your mind’ all the time... I like my life as it is, I don’t feel a burning desire to have children nor do I feel like I’m missing out because I have chosen not too.
Choice is a wonderful thing, it’s my body and I can be so called selfish with it if I want too, it’s the judgement and preconceived idea that a woman’s soul purpose is to reproduce that’s selfish
I adore kids I just don’t want the responsibility for one x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I never wanted kids although I love them and the thought of being a father. A history of mental health and autism in my family stopped me subconsciously and consciously as I was worried my kids might have the same traits.in the last couple of years I have discovered more about my family and the reasons and now feel my kids may have been ok. I'm 45 so feel its too late now. Some days I'm really sad about it, some days I'm ok.
That's understandable completely. That's one of the reasons I wouldn't want children either.. my mental health. I've struggled in the past and I know I wouldn't cope with the demands of being a parent.
Your not too old though, if its something you want, it can absolutely still happen."
As the OP has said, you’re not too old. Also, there is the option to be a foster parent. I’m thinking of this when my boy is a little older. If you can offer a child a happy home to grow up in and be a loving dad, there is no greater joy. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’ve never wanted kids, and I get ‘you just haven’t met the right person’ ‘you will change your mind’ all the time... I like my life as it is, I don’t feel a burning desire to have children nor do I feel like I’m missing out because I have chosen not too.
Choice is a wonderful thing, it’s my body and I can be so called selfish with it if I want too, it’s the judgement and preconceived idea that a woman’s soul purpose is to reproduce that’s selfish
I adore kids I just don’t want the responsibility for one x"
Absolutely, exactly the same for me. Ultimately it comes down to choice and your life can be just a fulfilling without a child than with one. |
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By *DW1983Man
over a year ago
Aberdeen, Leeds, Sheffield |
"never wanted kids, never been paternal, not particularly great with other people's kids.
although over the last 12 months I've found myself wondering what happens when I'm old... I'm likely to have no family left at some point so when that happens I'll be growing old by myself.
"
That's pretty much my thoughts as well. I don't want or like kids. There are lots of reasons, but I've asked myself that question too. Will it mean I end up old and alone? Possibly. It worries me. But is it worth the trade off of marriage and kids just to avoid that? I don't think so, and there are other ways to avoid it than having kids.
I've been told all the lines too, the one that grated most was 'its different when they're your own'. I don't see why I should feel any different. I'm not interested in spending 20 years of my life looking after kids, and there are enough (too many?) born every year as it is so its not as if I need to have them to make sure the human race survives. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some people are so unwilling to accept that you've chosen a different path from them - it's bizarre!
I knew that I didn't want children at a young age too and at 46 know that I made the right decision.
People have stopped telling me that 'I'll change my mind ' now - they give me a pity face when I tell them I don't have children
It's so rude!
I don't give them a pity face when they tell me they have children
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"never wanted kids, never been paternal, not particularly great with other people's kids.
although over the last 12 months I've found myself wondering what happens when I'm old... I'm likely to have no family left at some point so when that happens I'll be growing old by myself.
That's pretty much my thoughts as well. I don't want or like kids. There are lots of reasons, but I've asked myself that question too. Will it mean I end up old and alone? Possibly. It worries me. But is it worth the trade off of marriage and kids just to avoid that? I don't think so, and there are other ways to avoid it than having kids.
I've been told all the lines too, the one that grated most was 'its different when they're your own'. I don't see why I should feel any different. I'm not interested in spending 20 years of my life looking after kids, and there are enough (too many?) born every year as it is so its not as if I need to have them to make sure the human race survives. "
That's my thoughts on it too, it's not worth the trade off in my mind. If I end up alone, so be it. Whether it's your own child or someone elses, your feelings are your feelings and ultimately its your choice. |
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Nobody should have kids just because a person, group or society at large thinks they should. That strikes me as an absurd expectation to put on somebody. How can it be good for the children to come into a family because somebody else expected them to and not because the parents want children?
If I had my time again, I would not have children. It's not that I don't love my children dearly. I do. I just think that the way this world is going I think we need fewer people in it, not more. Luke |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am like you OP.
I have never wanted to have children.
Even from a very early age I knew this was not something I wanted.
I did feel some level of pressure among my family and friends to conform to the relationship model of get Married and start a family, but still stuck to my guns that the family tree stops right here!
It did ostracize me from my group of friends when all but myself & my then Husband were pairing up and having kids. As we really didn't have much in common any more. As our friends children were pretty much all they ever used to talk about. Not having children of our own we felt left out of the conversation. And our friends really didn't seem that interested in us as we had chosen a different life path.
What used to be fun parties of single adults, or young couples
(without children) turned into very vanilla get togethers where it seemed to be a creche!
Bella. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Some people are so unwilling to accept that you've chosen a different path from them - it's bizarre!
I knew that I didn't want children at a young age too and at 46 know that I made the right decision.
People have stopped telling me that 'I'll change my mind ' now - they give me a pity face when I tell them I don't have children
It's so rude!
I don't give them a pity face when they tell me they have children
"
I know I get this too! I'm told all the time ill change my mind but im nearly 30 now, pretty sure I know my own feelings. I don't understand why people want children but I would never ask them why or to explain it to me. |
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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago
Maidstone |
It's so interesting to read the different perspective on this...
As a former gay man, it never crossed my mind to have kids so shelved that and got on with my life.
Now I've fully transitioned I have registered with my local council's social care department as a potential foster carer but only if child is profoundly deaf (I am hearing but have BSL to level 3) and/or from ethic minority background as these kids are less likely to be fostered/adopted. I've not head back!
But as trans female, social workers are kinda out of their depth when it comes to risk assessment...!
I think I'll make a great mum but it is heck of a lot of responsibility which I don't think many to be parents realise!
Meantime, I think a Maltese Bichon would be lovely! Lol |
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I think that reliable contraception has been around for such a relatively short time that it's taking society a while to catch on to the idea that most people now have choice in the matter.
We were quite late to start our family and people asked me questions. We have no grandchildren and people ask me why saying it'll happen one day with a sad look on their face. Nobody ever asked Mr N.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Nobody should have kids just because a person, group or society at large thinks they should. That strikes me as an absurd expectation to put on somebody. How can it be good for the children to come into a family because somebody else expected them to and not because the parents want children?
If I had my time again, I would not have children. It's not that I don't love my children dearly. I do. I just think that the way this world is going I think we need fewer people in it, not more. Luke"
That's refreshing to hear that honesty and I agree it doesn't harm the world for people not to have children, it actually helps it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I am like you OP.
I have never wanted to have children.
Even from a very early age I knew this was not something I wanted.
I did feel some level of pressure among my family and friends to conform to the relationship model of get Married and start a family, but still stuck to my guns that the family tree stops right here!
It did ostracize me from my group of friends when all but myself & my then Husband were pairing up and having kids. As we really didn't have much in common any more. As our friends children were pretty much all they ever used to talk about. Not having children of our own we felt left out of the conversation. And our friends really didn't seem that interested in us as we had chosen a different life path.
What used to be fun parties of single adults, or young couples
(without children) turned into very vanilla get togethers where it seemed to be a creche!
Bella."
That's an interesting perspective as I've found the same. Practically all the people closest to me now have children and there is a disconnect you can feel when your the only one without any. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"not to want kids in our society.
Following on from the having kids thread, there seems to be a lot of focus on having children, as a woman it's a question I get asked a lot. I decided from a very early age that having children was not something I wanted. I've never had that 'broody' feeling or any desire to conceive.
So many conversations result in the same answers..
'Your young, you'll change your mind'
'When you get older, the maternal instinct will kick in'
'It's selfish not to have kids'
It seems as a woman, not wanting kids is an odd thing. I know my own mind and it's not going to change.
So do you see people differently if they don't want children? Have you ever wondered why people don't want them? Or is just being a woman means being a mother is expected of you?
Any thoughts.."
No you've got to have the obligatory 2.5 kids, after all it's not like it's your body or choice |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Nobody should have kids just because a person, group or society at large thinks they should. That strikes me as an absurd expectation to put on somebody. How can it be good for the children to come into a family because somebody else expected them to and not because the parents want children?
If I had my time again, I would not have children. It's not that I don't love my children dearly. I do. I just think that the way this world is going I think we need fewer people in it, not more. Luke"
A friend of mine also admits that if she had her time again she wouldn't have had her son - though she loves him - but she's glad he's grown up now - being a caregiver was joyless - her words.
It's a something that takes courage to admit because of others judgement.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When i got married in my 20s everyone expected us to pop a sprog out and every family get together "any little ones in the pipeline" it drove me mad, i flipped and said we dont want kids we want careers, nice cars, and holidays.... people were shocked.
Its only in my mid 30s i wish id had them before now   |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's so interesting to read the different perspective on this...
As a former gay man, it never crossed my mind to have kids so shelved that and got on with my life.
Now I've fully transitioned I have registered with my local council's social care department as a potential foster carer but only if child is profoundly deaf (I am hearing but have BSL to level 3) and/or from ethic minority background as these kids are less likely to be fostered/adopted. I've not head back!
But as trans female, social workers are kinda out of their depth when it comes to risk assessment...!
I think I'll make a great mum but it is heck of a lot of responsibility which I don't think many to be parents realise!
Meantime, I think a Maltese Bichon would be lovely! Lol"
That's amazing what you are doing, well done you! But yes a doggy is definitely a good substitute in the mean time |
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I think it's a selfless act rather than a selfish one.
The human body can do the whole brooding thing all on it's own and that for some people goes against what they actually want.
I had decided at a young age I didn't want any kids and was really angry at myself when I fell pregnant with my son. I felt guilty that I was bringing a life into a world that wasn't sunshine and rainbows, a place where people are incredibly cruel to each other and money seemed to mean more to people than love and peace.
I remember so clearly the pain in my own heart growing up and even now at times where I've wished so hard I was never born, angry at my parents for being selfish and bringing me into their world of shit. I never ever wanted to have another being feel that way about me, I never wanted to be responsible for someone else being so pained.
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I had two, eight years apart. I had several miscarriages in between. I had this irrational drive to have babies. I was a single parent for years. My experience is it was the most difficult thing I have done. I managed to build a career which has kept me sane. I still emotionally support my kids and often help financially. Sometimes I find it exhausting. Many if my female friends have chosen not to be mothers and, I would support that. One observation I would make though, as older women living alone I know women who are quite resentful with life. I'm not sure if it's because they are not mothers or that they are not partners either. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Our eldest daughter said she won't ever have children. I did the "you'll change your mind as you get older" at that point she told me how offensive that was to her decision, and I realised it was. At that moment I accepted her choice and what a stupid comment I had made. Dunno why I even said it, shes the eldest of 4 girls so I sometimes think that has something to do with it ha |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I had two, eight years apart. I had several miscarriages in between. I had this irrational drive to have babies. I was a single parent for years. My experience is it was the most difficult thing I have done. I managed to build a career which has kept me sane. I still emotionally support my kids and often help financially. Sometimes I find it exhausting. Many if my female friends have chosen not to be mothers and, I would support that. One observation I would make though, as older women living alone I know women who are quite resentful with life. I'm not sure if it's because they are not mothers or that they are not partners either."
My friend admits that she enjoys the company of her grown up son and is grateful to have him in her life now she's older.
But like you was alone and her son had ADHD and it was a relentless.
I know that I would have resented a child in my life when I was younger - my partner and I travelled for months on end and had no room for children.
But I know that I would enjoy an adult child in my life now.
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
I made the right choice - no regrets.
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Don't worry OP, it stops by the time you hit 40 and people assume your ovaries are like shrivelled up husks
It does change to the pity and questions of who will look after you when you're old though...I tell them I'm going to be the cantankerous spinster in the old people's home entertaining everyone with stories of the adventures I had while I was enjoying my child-free life |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think it's a selfless act rather than a selfish one.
The human body can do the whole brooding thing all on it's own and that for some people goes against what they actually want.
I had decided at a young age I didn't want any kids and was really angry at myself when I fell pregnant with my son. I felt guilty that I was bringing a life into a world that wasn't sunshine and rainbows, a place where people are incredibly cruel to each other and money seemed to mean more to people than love and peace.
I remember so clearly the pain in my own heart growing up and even now at times where I've wished so hard I was never born, angry at my parents for being selfish and bringing me into their world of shit. I never ever wanted to have another being feel that way about me, I never wanted to be responsible for someone else being so pained.
"
Your honesty is incredible The world can be a cruel place and I guess part of that contributes to my reasons too. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Don't worry OP, it stops by the time you hit 40 and people assume your ovaries are like shrivelled up husks
It does change to the pity and questions of who will look after you when you're old though...I tell them I'm going to be the cantankerous spinster in the old people's home entertaining everyone with stories of the adventures I had while I was enjoying my child-free life "
That's a very good way too look at it.. Ill join you in that old peoples home |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have children but I'd never question anyone's decision to not have them.
I didn't want anymore after my first originally, we got all the questions of "when are you having another" "she can't be an only child" etc I even tried to get my tubes tied in my early twenties but got told I was too young and it wasn't fair on my husband we eventually changed our minds and decided to have another (our choice, not through pressure of anyone else) after that was definitely adamant we wanted no more. Still got refused to have my tubes tied, ex got turned down for the snip the first time round and even had to fight with the pharmacist at one point for asking for the morning after pill because we'd got carried away d*unk one night then realised we'd forgotten to use protection. Pharmacist attitude was "you're still young, you're married, why wouldn't you want another baby?" My youngest wasn't even a year old at the time.
People's choices are theirs, they should be respected not questioned.
Sorry for the essay  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Certainly acceptable to not want them.
How people can people say it is selfish to not have kids? That doesn’t even make sense. Would they rather people who don’t want kids be forced to have them then complain if parents struggle?
Live your life how you want. The human race isn’t on the brink of extinction due to lack of population. If you don’t want kids that’s fine and it may provide you with time to explore other things in life which parents may not have the time to do. |
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"I have children but I'd never question anyone's decision to not have them.
I didn't want anymore after my first originally, we got all the questions of "when are you having another" "she can't be an only child" etc I even tried to get my tubes tied in my early twenties but got told I was too young and it wasn't fair on my husband we eventually changed our minds and decided to have another (our choice, not through pressure of anyone else) after that was definitely adamant we wanted no more. Still got refused to have my tubes tied, ex got turned down for the snip the first time round and even had to fight with the pharmacist at one point for asking for the morning after pill because we'd got carried away d*unk one night then realised we'd forgotten to use protection. Pharmacist attitude was "you're still young, you're married, why wouldn't you want another baby?" My youngest wasn't even a year old at the time.
People's choices are theirs, they should be respected not questioned.
Sorry for the essay "
At 35 I'm still not old enough to know I don't want kids, apparently
It's had real healthcare consequences for me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I have children but I'd never question anyone's decision to not have them.
I didn't want anymore after my first originally, we got all the questions of "when are you having another" "she can't be an only child" etc I even tried to get my tubes tied in my early twenties but got told I was too young and it wasn't fair on my husband we eventually changed our minds and decided to have another (our choice, not through pressure of anyone else) after that was definitely adamant we wanted no more. Still got refused to have my tubes tied, ex got turned down for the snip the first time round and even had to fight with the pharmacist at one point for asking for the morning after pill because we'd got carried away d*unk one night then realised we'd forgotten to use protection. Pharmacist attitude was "you're still young, you're married, why wouldn't you want another baby?" My youngest wasn't even a year old at the time.
People's choices are theirs, they should be respected not questioned.
Sorry for the essay
At 35 I'm still not old enough to know I don't want kids, apparently
It's had real healthcare consequences for me."
We obviously don't know our own minds or bodies I can't take contraception so I rely on condoms hence why we wanted something more permanent. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's a difficult decision for a woman more than it is a man.
A woman only has a short time frame to have a family and be young enough to bring them up while being healthy herself.
So for her a career over having children is a big call. It's difficult for a woman to return to the workplace as sometimes this can be years as many mums like to be with the infant's 24/7 and I understand that.
Time with your children while they are growing up and developing is extremely important as this shapes who they are going to be and turn out.
It's not easy. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I have children but I'd never question anyone's decision to not have them.
I didn't want anymore after my first originally, we got all the questions of "when are you having another" "she can't be an only child" etc I even tried to get my tubes tied in my early twenties but got told I was too young and it wasn't fair on my husband we eventually changed our minds and decided to have another (our choice, not through pressure of anyone else) after that was definitely adamant we wanted no more. Still got refused to have my tubes tied, ex got turned down for the snip the first time round and even had to fight with the pharmacist at one point for asking for the morning after pill because we'd got carried away d*unk one night then realised we'd forgotten to use protection. Pharmacist attitude was "you're still young, you're married, why wouldn't you want another baby?" My youngest wasn't even a year old at the time.
People's choices are theirs, they should be respected not questioned.
Sorry for the essay "
I think I'm going to have a battle on my hands too.. requested having my tubes tied a few years ago but was told the specialist wouldn't even consider me until I was at least 30. Fingers crossed I'll be able to have it then. Also, the years of contraception is not exactly good for your body so it would make more sense to allow more women to make their own choices. |
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"
At 35 I'm still not old enough to know I don't want kids, apparently
It's had real healthcare consequences for me.
We obviously don't know our own minds or bodies I can't take contraception so I rely on condoms hence why we wanted something more permanent. "
Yeah, I'm waiting until I get to be a grown up and old enough to know what I want or how to take care of a human being (myself) .
My periods are hell on wheels (Mirena has improved them to 3-5 week intervals and moderately painful and heavy) and I've literally had to have surgery on my reproductive system to stop it killing me.
"But baaaaaaabies"
I dunno. I just want to not die, you know? I know you're also in obstetrics, but as I'm not pregnant, I'd kind of like to see a gynaecologist? |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
I had it right up until I was 35 (when I had my first), along with the “when are you getting married?” spiel. More from friends and work colleagues than close family.
It didn’t particularly bother me as I wasn’t exactly maternal and my mum was shocked when I told her I was pregnant as she just assumed I didn’t want children.
Each to their own. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting kids just as much as not wanting them.
If more folk were open and honest about the impact having a child can sometimes have on a relationship and how difficult parenting can sometimes be, I think that would be more helpful. |
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"I have children but I'd never question anyone's decision to not have them.
I didn't want anymore after my first originally, we got all the questions of "when are you having another" "she can't be an only child" etc I even tried to get my tubes tied in my early twenties but got told I was too young and it wasn't fair on my husband we eventually changed our minds and decided to have another (our choice, not through pressure of anyone else) after that was definitely adamant we wanted no more. Still got refused to have my tubes tied, ex got turned down for the snip the first time round and even had to fight with the pharmacist at one point for asking for the morning after pill because we'd got carried away d*unk one night then realised we'd forgotten to use protection. Pharmacist attitude was "you're still young, you're married, why wouldn't you want another baby?" My youngest wasn't even a year old at the time.
People's choices are theirs, they should be respected not questioned.
Sorry for the essay
I think I'm going to have a battle on my hands too.. requested having my tubes tied a few years ago but was told the specialist wouldn't even consider me until I was at least 30. Fingers crossed I'll be able to have it then. Also, the years of contraception is not exactly good for your body so it would make more sense to allow more women to make their own choices."
I was told it was Trust policy not to tie tubes. |
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"not to want kids in our society.
Following on from the having kids thread, there seems to be a lot of focus on having children, as a woman it's a question I get asked a lot. I decided from a very early age that having children was not something I wanted. I've never had that 'broody' feeling or any desire to conceive.
So many conversations result in the same answers..
'Your young, you'll change your mind'
'When you get older, the maternal instinct will kick in'
'It's selfish not to have kids'
It seems as a woman, not wanting kids is an odd thing. I know my own mind and it's not going to change.
So do you see people differently if they don't want children? Have you ever wondered why people don't want them? Or is just being a woman means being a mother is expected of you?
Any thoughts.."
I was told as a very young adult that I’d never have kids so went through life not wanting them. Then in 2006 my any my ex got pregnant. Unfortunately he was still born, but it made me start questioning everything I’d ever believed.
2009 my daughter was born, I’d never known love like it. She was my princess and I’d die protecting her. Lost my hair shortly afterwards.
2014 my son was born. Pain in the arse and realised I don’t want kids any more haha. Lost my sanity after this one.
Now the roles are reversed, she’s a little shit (eleventeen so knows it all) and he’s got the warmest heart I’ve ever seen in a child
Still wouldn’t change them for the world. They make my world complete. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I too chose to be child free. I am maternal but I just did not want children. I enjoy my freedom to much. And also the world ain't the nicest place anymore...is it? Nope not imo. And how many people can honestly say they're 100% content & happy? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I have children but I'd never question anyone's decision to not have them.
I didn't want anymore after my first originally, we got all the questions of "when are you having another" "she can't be an only child" etc I even tried to get my tubes tied in my early twenties but got told I was too young and it wasn't fair on my husband we eventually changed our minds and decided to have another (our choice, not through pressure of anyone else) after that was definitely adamant we wanted no more. Still got refused to have my tubes tied, ex got turned down for the snip the first time round and even had to fight with the pharmacist at one point for asking for the morning after pill because we'd got carried away d*unk one night then realised we'd forgotten to use protection. Pharmacist attitude was "you're still young, you're married, why wouldn't you want another baby?" My youngest wasn't even a year old at the time.
People's choices are theirs, they should be respected not questioned.
Sorry for the essay
I think I'm going to have a battle on my hands too.. requested having my tubes tied a few years ago but was told the specialist wouldn't even consider me until I was at least 30. Fingers crossed I'll be able to have it then. Also, the years of contraception is not exactly good for your body so it would make more sense to allow more women to make their own choices."
Exactly. I spent 5 years on the pill and then took it for another 5 after my first. It didn't do me any favours and it wasn't until I came off it that I realised how many problems it had caused. I considered going back on it 2 years ago and decided it wasn't worth putting myself through that hell again. Added hormones in my body even the very low ones, make me crazy (or more crazy ) I hope you get what you want |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
At 35 I'm still not old enough to know I don't want kids, apparently
It's had real healthcare consequences for me.
We obviously don't know our own minds or bodies I can't take contraception so I rely on condoms hence why we wanted something more permanent.
Yeah, I'm waiting until I get to be a grown up and old enough to know what I want or how to take care of a human being (myself) .
My periods are hell on wheels (Mirena has improved them to 3-5 week intervals and moderately painful and heavy) and I've literally had to have surgery on my reproductive system to stop it killing me.
"But baaaaaaabies"
I dunno. I just want to not die, you know? I know you're also in obstetrics, but as I'm not pregnant, I'd kind of like to see a gynaecologist?"
I'm sorry. I really wish they would listen when people know their own body. |
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I don’t want kids. I don’t want to be tied down or have the responsibility of taking care of them. I also feel like it would drain the life out of me to be a parent. Don’t mind other people’s kids for short periods but happy to give them back.
Marley. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It's so interesting to read the different perspective on this...
As a former gay man, it never crossed my mind to have kids so shelved that and got on with my life.
Now I've fully transitioned I have registered with my local council's social care department as a potential foster carer but only if child is profoundly deaf (I am hearing but have BSL to level 3) and/or from ethic minority background as these kids are less likely to be fostered/adopted. I've not head back!
But as trans female, social workers are kinda out of their depth when it comes to risk assessment...!
I think I'll make a great mum but it is heck of a lot of responsibility which I don't think many to be parents realise!
Meantime, I think a Maltese Bichon would be lovely! Lol"
I hope they come back to you soon. You’d be a wonderful mum, not least because you’re ready to accept the responsibility and are prepared emotionally for it.
Go and badger them again. A child shouldn’t miss out on this opportunity of a loving home because a bureaucrat was too busy with too much of a case load. |
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I don't have kids and never wanted them, when I was younger I was always asked why not and told I'd change my mind.
I obviously never did and found it insulting people assumed I didn't know my own mind, or there was something wrong with me for not wanting kids.
I hope society's attitude has changed a bit for the better now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My daughter (29) has said four years she won’t have kids.
People ask her all the time when she will. It’s her choice and people can’t seem to resist badgering her. They don’t seem to consider that it may not be her choice not to have them. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I have children but I'd never question anyone's decision to not have them.
I didn't want anymore after my first originally, we got all the questions of "when are you having another" "she can't be an only child" etc I even tried to get my tubes tied in my early twenties but got told I was too young and it wasn't fair on my husband we eventually changed our minds and decided to have another (our choice, not through pressure of anyone else) after that was definitely adamant we wanted no more. Still got refused to have my tubes tied, ex got turned down for the snip the first time round and even had to fight with the pharmacist at one point for asking for the morning after pill because we'd got carried away d*unk one night then realised we'd forgotten to use protection. Pharmacist attitude was "you're still young, you're married, why wouldn't you want another baby?" My youngest wasn't even a year old at the time.
People's choices are theirs, they should be respected not questioned.
Sorry for the essay
I think I'm going to have a battle on my hands too.. requested having my tubes tied a few years ago but was told the specialist wouldn't even consider me until I was at least 30. Fingers crossed I'll be able to have it then. Also, the years of contraception is not exactly good for your body so it would make more sense to allow more women to make their own choices.
Exactly. I spent 5 years on the pill and then took it for another 5 after my first. It didn't do me any favours and it wasn't until I came off it that I realised how many problems it had caused. I considered going back on it 2 years ago and decided it wasn't worth putting myself through that hell again. Added hormones in my body even the very low ones, make me crazy (or more crazy ) I hope you get what you want "
Ooo I'm the same I've been on the pill for over 10 years so god knows the effects its having on my body! Thank you, I hope so too |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I too chose to be child free. I am maternal but I just did not want children. I enjoy my freedom to much. And also the world ain't the nicest place anymore...is it? Nope not imo. And how many people can honestly say they're 100% content & happy?"
I think that's the problem.. people assume women can't be content without a partner or children. Personally, I know I wouldn't be happy or content with children. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I had two children but to be honest I often think if I had had dogs first I would not have bothered. Does that sound selfish?."
Not at all, its honest. I have a dog and he's more than enough for me |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't have kids and never wanted them, when I was younger I was always asked why not and told I'd change my mind.
I obviously never did and found it insulting people assumed I didn't know my own mind, or there was something wrong with me for not wanting kids.
I hope society's attitude has changed a bit for the better now. "
Im the same, It baffles me how people think your not smart enough to know you don't want them but smart enough to know you do. I think society will always see women as mother's so there will always be judgement to some extent. |
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"I don't have kids and never wanted them, when I was younger I was always asked why not and told I'd change my mind.
I obviously never did and found it insulting people assumed I didn't know my own mind, or there was something wrong with me for not wanting kids.
I hope society's attitude has changed a bit for the better now.
Im the same, It baffles me how people think your not smart enough to know you don't want them but smart enough to know you do. I think society will always see women as mother's so there will always be judgement to some extent."
If I can't be trusted to make good choices about my reproductive system, who the fuck is irresponsible enough to hand me a helpless human?! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't have kids and never wanted them, when I was younger I was always asked why not and told I'd change my mind.
I obviously never did and found it insulting people assumed I didn't know my own mind, or there was something wrong with me for not wanting kids.
I hope society's attitude has changed a bit for the better now.
Im the same, It baffles me how people think your not smart enough to know you don't want them but smart enough to know you do. I think society will always see women as mother's so there will always be judgement to some extent.
If I can't be trusted to make good choices about my reproductive system, who the fuck is irresponsible enough to hand me a helpless human?!"
Exactly, spot on  |
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"I even tried to get my tubes tied in my early twenties but got told I was too young and it wasn't fair on my husband "
I wanted the snip, when my ex was 4 or 5 months pregnant with my son, I asked for the operation. They were adamant that I couldn’t have it until the baby was born. This was private healthcare.
I had to fight for it, they kept asking me “but what if you lose the baby?” and I had to reply “what if I did? I wouldn’t want to replace him!!!” Eventually they relented and I finally had it when she was 8 months pregnant. |
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I wouldn't judge either way.
When I was travelling (prior to having my child) one question I was asked everywhere I went was did I have kids, was I planning to have kids.
I never really had that over here tho.
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By * Lexi xWoman
over a year ago
stockport |
Children are the hardest job in the world and no one is a perfect parent.
I would judge someone more for having a child because they were pressured into it by society.
To choose not too have them is perfectly acceptable. But one thing I will say. If you are not a parent you will never understand what it’s like.
Before I had kids I would think to myself I’d do that differently, judging in my head...... thinking it was that easy. Bloody hell I was wrong. It’s the hardest most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life.
|
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"It's so annoying to hear the same questions every time we talk about having kids. Sometimes when someone is super pushy about it we like to ask 'how do You know if we simply can't have children? ' it usually works well enough to stop asking about it "
Another reason why I've not made it my business: you don't know people's circumstances.
Myself, I had three children, two girls and a boy. Went to bed on night and woke up with two, our son dead in his cot. I had another daughter and was sterilised at the same time. I was 31.
People who didn't know my history often asked if I was trying for a boy. When I said my son died it soon shut them up! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I even tried to get my tubes tied in my early twenties but got told I was too young and it wasn't fair on my husband
I wanted the snip, when my ex was 4 or 5 months pregnant with my son, I asked for the operation. They were adamant that I couldn’t have it until the baby was born. This was private healthcare.
I had to fight for it, they kept asking me “but what if you lose the baby?” and I had to reply “what if I did? I wouldn’t want to replace him!!!” Eventually they relented and I finally had it when she was 8 months pregnant. "
I guess it's the same for men too. We need to be trusted to make our own decisions, if people regret it down the line then fair enough, but ultimately it should be our choice to get snipped. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Children are the hardest job in the world and no one is a perfect parent.
I would judge someone more for having a child because they were pressured into it by society.
To choose not too have them is perfectly acceptable. But one thing I will say. If you are not a parent you will never understand what it’s like.
Before I had kids I would think to myself I’d do that differently, judging in my head...... thinking it was that easy. Bloody hell I was wrong. It’s the hardest most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life.
"
Oh absolutely, I take my hat off to any parent. It's a damn hard job and I know I wouldn't cope with it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's so annoying to hear the same questions every time we talk about having kids. Sometimes when someone is super pushy about it we like to ask 'how do You know if we simply can't have children? ' it usually works well enough to stop asking about it
Another reason why I've not made it my business: you don't know people's circumstances.
Myself, I had three children, two girls and a boy. Went to bed on night and woke up with two, our son dead in his cot. I had another daughter and was sterilised at the same time. I was 31.
People who didn't know my history often asked if I was trying for a boy. When I said my son died it soon shut them up!"
So sorry you had to go through that People never know the circumstances which is why it's best not to question. |
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"Well fuck who ever said "its selfish to not want kids "
Your body your life do you boo"
Agreed, plus imagine having kids that you actually didn't want just because you felt like you had to, then resenting them for years for ruining your life. I've never wanted any, when I was younger I didn't want them stopping my party lifestyle, and now I'm older I don't want to lose my freedom to go travelling or whatever when I feel like it. Plus the world is overpopulated with humans as it is, consuming tons of resources every year and building over every available bit of nature to fit even more humans on, doesn't need me adding to it! |
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"I even tried to get my tubes tied in my early twenties but got told I was too young and it wasn't fair on my husband
I wanted the snip, when my ex was 4 or 5 months pregnant with my son, I asked for the operation. They were adamant that I couldn’t have it until the baby was born. This was private healthcare.
I had to fight for it, they kept asking me “but what if you lose the baby?” and I had to reply “what if I did? I wouldn’t want to replace him!!!” Eventually they relented and I finally had it when she was 8 months pregnant. "
I had to fight to be sterilised. They wouldn't do it when I was 29 but did it when I had my daughter by c-section a week after my 31st birthday.
Even before they knocked me out the surgeon asked if I was sure. When I replied cut them, the them and burn the ends closed he got the message.
People used to ask if I regretted it: not for one second! |
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"It's so annoying to hear the same questions every time we talk about having kids. Sometimes when someone is super pushy about it we like to ask 'how do You know if we simply can't have children? ' it usually works well enough to stop asking about it
Another reason why I've not made it my business: you don't know people's circumstances.
Myself, I had three children, two girls and a boy. Went to bed on night and woke up with two, our son dead in his cot. I had another daughter and was sterilised at the same time. I was 31.
People who didn't know my history often asked if I was trying for a boy. When I said my son died it soon shut them up!
So sorry you had to go through that People never know the circumstances which is why it's best not to question."
People mean well but say the wrong thing. I now have seven grandchildren: the first six were boys. What did I hear? Oh, it's making up for your son!
Wtf?!! |
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In my little world it seems more common to not have children than to have them. In my two main friendship groups, one with 6 of us in and the other with 7 of us (male and female), I’m the only one to have children in both groups. We’re all in our 30s, only one wants children, everyone else absolutely does not |
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I've always said I wouldn't totally rule it out as who knows how I'd feel in the future but I've personally never had an desire to have children and I'm beginning to become quite sure that I never will. I'm getting to the point where a lot of my friends are having children and I don't think my younger brother is far off either. I'm happy for them but it hasn't changed anything for me. I totally know what you mean about the shitty comments. Some people are just downright rude or patronising. I think the worst ones are other parents talking down to you like you're a child because you don't have children. Like they somehow have more wisdom because they decided to procreate. The implication is that they'll somehow always be smarter than you if you never have children. It's rediculous. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
I have no desire to have children, never really have. If by some chance it ends up happening then I'm sure I'd enjoy being a father and love them unconditionally etc but it is certainly not something I am actively trying to make happen.
It's a delicate subject because some people/couples really would like children but are unable to/have difficulty doing so. But on the other hand, those that don't want kids are doing a good thing by not adding to the over population of our planet.
The latter will be an unpopular opinion but it is true. The world currently struggles with what we already have. There are plenty of unwanted and unsupported children alone in the world. I don't feel the need to add another number to that, wanted or not. In part it is a selfish/instinctual need to carry on your genetic code and nothing more. If it were more than that to most, then far more children would be adopted.
I generally feed people who "challenge" my decision with the same thinking as above. It usually ahura them up, or they try to justify how they are right and I'm wrong to which I usually cripple their response anyway. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
I will add, I am happy for those that have, are having, or do want kids. You do what you want to do!
Just don't push your wants on to other people.
I'm more than happy just adding more dogs to my little pack. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It's an interesting debate for sure.. thank you for all your comments. It's good to know people feel the same and get others opinions on it.
What I will say the one's that have children or want children, more power to you. It's a hard job and you all have a certain strength I could never have |
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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago
Maldon and Peterborough |
I don't have any kids.
I grew up in pubs (my parents were licensees) and heard far too many conversations of how children stopped or halted what they wanted to do with their lives.
Maybe I'm selfish, but I'm happy now - i made the right decision for me. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
"I never understood how people reached the conclusion that it's selfish to not want kids... Having them is the selfish thing to do, surely?!  "
Yes and no.
The need to have kids is instinctual, all animals have the same need. Once you have kids, you are giving up quite a large portion of what you could have had to give the kids what they want to allow them to survive, for most parents that could be at the cost of your own. Far from selfish.
Not having kids is selfish in that you are bypassing the instinct (even if you don't have the instinct) to continue with your life without the addition of kids. But you are being selfless on a global scale, not adding to the uncontrolled population, not bringing a poor life in to this crazy world.
The true selfish act is knowingly and wantingly having kids, but neglecting them, and not giving up things for them. The parents that have crazy amounts of children, across multiple partners with very little parenting skills or a way to provide (or even care).
Yes that is a bit of a generalisation but I avoided specifics, if you feel offended by the above then that is on you. Situations are never black and white, but these very people certainly do exist. |
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It is acceptable to not want children.
There are too many people in the world.
Those that continue to breed merely fulfil their own biological needs intentionally or slip up somewhere.
Those that don't have children work in favour of everyone.
More power to their elbows. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I never wanted kids although I love them and the thought of being a father. A history of mental health and autism in my family stopped me subconsciously and consciously as I was worried my kids might have the same traits.in the last couple of years I have discovered more about my family and the reasons and now feel my kids may have been ok. I'm 45 so feel its too late now. Some days I'm really sad about it, some days I'm ok.
That's understandable completely. That's one of the reasons I wouldn't want children either.. my mental health. I've struggled in the past and I know I wouldn't cope with the demands of being a parent.
Your not too old though, if its something you want, it can absolutely still happen.
As the OP has said, you’re not too old. Also, there is the option to be a foster parent. I’m thinking of this when my boy is a little older. If you can offer a child a happy home to grow up in and be a loving dad, there is no greater joy."
Yep, not too old but just don't fancy the idea of having a teen in my 60's! Plus it may take a while to find someone to have kids with!
I've worked with young people for a long time now so get my 'fix' that way and seeing them grow is so rewarding. Fostering is amazing and I have so much respect for anyone who does it. |
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I always knew I wanted kids from an early age, absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt wanted a houseful of kids and dogs. I got it. I can't understand why anyone thinks that someone couldn't just know the opposite was true for them?
My husband wasn't that bothered about kids either way but knew it was a deal breaker for me, I think he loves them now he has them. But I would NEVER see fit to question anyone on why they didn't have kids yet or want them, it's nothing to do with me and parenting is hard work, especially if you don't even want them in the first place!
Frankly I do sometimes daydream about what life would be like without 4 kids eating all the food and spending all the money and making me get up every morning at a ridiculous hour to take them to school. And what it's like to be able to just bugger off on holiday or to the pub...but there we go. I made my choice and I wouldn't really change it. But I reserve the right to be a little bit jealous of the freedom you have with no kids. |
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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago
Maidstone |
"I never understood how people reached the conclusion that it's selfish to not want kids... Having them is the selfish thing to do, surely?! "
I would say so!
In Asian cultures, people have children like it's an Insurance Policy for old age. That is certainly what I call selfish!
I trained as a Demographer and there are academics who specialise in "kinship studies". Research shows people with two children do live longest. When asked why, they could only speculate that it is easier to spread the care giving as 50/50. Any fewer or more, the (imposed) responsibilities become more complex.
Wow, it's not like you've given your kids the choice, only the guilt? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve not got any children of my own but took my wife’s children on 13 years ago, they are now 22 & 18
I spoke to my doctor today and been booked in for the snip.
We have spoken about having kids but personally the age gap would be too much between them and the youngest.
My parents are obviously upset but thankfully they treat my wife’s children as grandchildren.
Even when talking about them to others I always call them my own.
Their father has nothing to do with them so to say, they came part of the package when my wife and I started dating and I knew that from the beginning.
So it’s each to their own in my eyes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It is perfectly acceptable to not want kids"
it should be , but the reality seems to be its much more acceptable for people to tell you that your choice to not have kids is wrong / selfish / just don’t know what you want yet etc
this includes medical practitioners
i’ve definitely had much more challenge on my decision to not have kids than i have support, when people tell me they are pregnant i might start asking them why and see if they think its an acceptable question when the tables are turned
its also made it much harder to meet a compatible partner because its just a given for most people i meet that i will want to start a family at some point and knowing it is a hard no changes things for many people (which is totally fair) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"From my point of view it's not something I'm bothered about. I'd probably ask 'why?' (I'd also ask someone 'why?' if they said they definetly wanted children) but just out of interest.
In society it should be acceptable but is probably still seen as an 'odd thing' to not want children.
Another question could be do some feel pressure to have children when they don't want them?
Pressure is the thing, especially from parents. I think their desire to be grandparents doesn't allow them to accept it's never going to happen. I can imagine a lot of people have had children because its what society expects of them."
My daughter told me a few years ago that she didn't see herself having kids (she's 36). It saddened me a little but I'm not surprised - she has never been maternal but loves children as little people. She is very maternal to her cats though and loves any animals. I would never pressure her or tell him I would have loved to have a grandchild - its her choice.
I did get a little dog though - shes my surrogate grandchild |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"From my point of view it's not something I'm bothered about. I'd probably ask 'why?' (I'd also ask someone 'why?' if they said they definetly wanted children) but just out of interest.
In society it should be acceptable but is probably still seen as an 'odd thing' to not want children.
Another question could be do some feel pressure to have children when they don't want them?
Pressure is the thing, especially from parents. I think their desire to be grandparents doesn't allow them to accept it's never going to happen. I can imagine a lot of people have had children because its what society expects of them.
My daughter told me a few years ago that she didn't see herself having kids (she's 36). It saddened me a little but I'm not surprised - she has never been maternal but loves children as little people. She is very maternal to her cats though and loves any animals. I would never pressure her or tell him I would have loved to have a grandchild - its her choice.
I did get a little dog though - shes my surrogate grandchild "
Yeah we have 2 dogs and I class them as my kids |
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"It is perfectly acceptable to not want kids
it should be , but the reality seems to be its much more acceptable for people to tell you that your choice to not have kids is wrong / selfish / just don’t know what you want yet etc
this includes medical practitioners
"
This is the worst part for me. If I had two kids I would have more treatment options open to me for my endometriosis. Because I choose not to have kids and they're convinced I'll change my mind, I don't have as many options. Sadly I think that will continue until I'm menopausal. |
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"It is perfectly acceptable to not want kids
it should be , but the reality seems to be its much more acceptable for people to tell you that your choice to not have kids is wrong / selfish / just don’t know what you want yet etc
this includes medical practitioners
This is the worst part for me. If I had two kids I would have more treatment options open to me for my endometriosis. Because I choose not to have kids and they're convinced I'll change my mind, I don't have as many options. Sadly I think that will continue until I'm menopausal. "
My husband and I both have children from previous relationships, so the number of people who assumed that because we were getting married, we would have children together, came as a surprise.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children.
To be refused medical options because you "might change your mind" about having children, is just wrong on so many levels.  |
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I know what you mean OP. To me, it feels like our society DOES expect women to have children and it IS odd if you don't or don't want to. Not sure how we got there. Probably sexism and patriarchy. Its one of the first questions people ask of someone, do they have kids. Myself included tbh. My head says it doesn't matter but my social conditioning says it does |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Of course it is acceptable, you do what works for you
My son and his fiance bought a 3 bed house a few years ago. She has a health condition and doesn't know if she can conceive, Dr's have told her if she can then she will struggle to carry a baby full term and probably won't give birth naturally
People are always asking them, some even telling them! She gets upset by the expectation and claims.
Yes I would love to be a Grandma, but not at the detrimental of her health. |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
I've never had children and at 40 realised it would not happen.It's just not the way my life worked out I never thought I would not have kids but as I never wanted to be a single mum and I knew even in long term relationships I had they weren't steady enough for me to want to bring a child into them even tho I was asked by an ex to get pregnant at one stage. I never felt that mad urge either to need to have a child tho I guess my internal maternal clock must not have been working.
To be fair tho no one has ever questioned why I don't when I tell them I haven't got any children.
It's strange how life turns out at times compared to how you thought it would when you were younger. But then I'd never have thought I'd be on a swingers site ever as well . |
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"not to want kids in our society.
Following on from the having kids thread, there seems to be a lot of focus on having children, as a woman it's a question I get asked a lot. I decided from a very early age that having children was not something I wanted. I've never had that 'broody' feeling or any desire to conceive.
So many conversations result in the same answers..
'Your young, you'll change your mind'
'When you get older, the maternal instinct will kick in'
'It's selfish not to have kids'
It seems as a woman, not wanting kids is an odd thing. I know my own mind and it's not going to change.
So do you see people differently if they don't want children? Have you ever wondered why people don't want them? Or is just being a woman means being a mother is expected of you?
Any thoughts.."
Sounds like the dream. Dual income, no kids, total freedom.
Love the kids and having had them wouldn't be without them. But could have easily been fulfilled, been happy and done great things without them. Kids exhaust you of everything. It's totally OK not to want and still be a great fullied member of society. Plus our population is exploding and its questionable to if the planet can continue to sustain us all. So at least your not adding to the problem. |
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By *host63Man
over a year ago
Bedfont Feltham |
Have those who say your selfish to people who don't want kids. That a human population of 7 billion world wide is growing faster than the planets ability to sustain it.
It is more accurate that adding to this by having kids is even more selfish? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Thanks for all the comments guys, it's an interesting debate for sure.
I guess we can all agree that it's ultimately about choice. If you choose to have children, that's amazing and what's right for you. Those of us that don't, it's good to know people feel the same and accept our choices.
We can't please everyone in society but we can please ourselves |
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By *offee27Man
over a year ago
Wiltshire |
"not to want kids in our society.
Following on from the having kids thread, there seems to be a lot of focus on having children, as a woman it's a question I get asked a lot. I decided from a very early age that having children was not something I wanted. I've never had that 'broody' feeling or any desire to conceive.
So many conversations result in the same answers..
'Your young, you'll change your mind'
'When you get older, the maternal instinct will kick in'
'It's selfish not to have kids'
It seems as a woman, not wanting kids is an odd thing. I know my own mind and it's not going to change.
So do you see people differently if they don't want children? Have you ever wondered why people don't want them? Or is just being a woman means being a mother is expected of you?
Any thoughts.."
Nothing wrong with how you feel about it, and well done for being open and honest.
Me and my ex wife's main issue was kids because we married young and she thought I'd 'grow up' and used all the usual clichés but I was open and honest from the start, don't regret getting divorced over it as we're in better places now.
My point is don't feel pressured and live to regret it even if you never tell anyone I know people who've had kids and can tell they regret it but they can never say it out loud.
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"not to want kids in our society.
Following on from the having kids thread, there seems to be a lot of focus on having children, as a woman it's a question I get asked a lot. I decided from a very early age that having children was not something I wanted. I've never had that 'broody' feeling or any desire to conceive.
So many conversations result in the same answers..
'Your young, you'll change your mind'
'When you get older, the maternal instinct will kick in'
'It's selfish not to have kids'
It seems as a woman, not wanting kids is an odd thing. I know my own mind and it's not going to change.
So do you see people differently if they don't want children? Have you ever wondered why people don't want them? Or is just being a woman means being a mother is expected of you?
Any thoughts..
Nothing wrong with how you feel about it, and well done for being open and honest.
Me and my ex wife's main issue was kids because we married young and she thought I'd 'grow up' and used all the usual clichés but I was open and honest from the start, don't regret getting divorced over it as we're in better places now.
My point is don't feel pressured and live to regret it even if you never tell anyone I know people who've had kids and can tell they regret it but they can never say it out loud.
"
Very true better to live with judgement than with regret. I think people see it as something that your mind can be changed on but it's not the case. Good for you for sticking to your guns. |
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By *offee27Man
over a year ago
Wiltshire |
"not to want kids in our society.
Following on from the having kids thread, there seems to be a lot of focus on having children, as a woman it's a question I get asked a lot. I decided from a very early age that having children was not something I wanted. I've never had that 'broody' feeling or any desire to conceive.
So many conversations result in the same answers..
'Your young, you'll change your mind'
'When you get older, the maternal instinct will kick in'
'It's selfish not to have kids'
It seems as a woman, not wanting kids is an odd thing. I know my own mind and it's not going to change.
So do you see people differently if they don't want children? Have you ever wondered why people don't want them? Or is just being a woman means being a mother is expected of you?
Any thoughts..
Nothing wrong with how you feel about it, and well done for being open and honest.
Me and my ex wife's main issue was kids because we married young and she thought I'd 'grow up' and used all the usual clichés but I was open and honest from the start, don't regret getting divorced over it as we're in better places now.
My point is don't feel pressured and live to regret it even if you never tell anyone I know people who've had kids and can tell they regret it but they can never say it out loud.
Very true better to live with judgement than with regret. I think people see it as something that your mind can be changed on but it's not the case. Good for you for sticking to your guns."
Thank you, some people just don't have that parental chip in them, nothing wrong of course. I thought it was mainly my autism that caused it but I did a lot of research into it and it's perfectly normal. Enjoy your life to the fullest |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
I had my son very young - he is now 20. Many people seem confused and astounded that I have not and do not want any more. Especially when all my friends are getting married and having babies they think I should want that too. I'm more than happy to babysit and adore the kids as my own - but then hand them back and go home to get a full night's sleep |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I had my son very young - he is now 20. Many people seem confused and astounded that I have not and do not want any more. Especially when all my friends are getting married and having babies they think I should want that too. I'm more than happy to babysit and adore the kids as my own - but then hand them back and go home to get a full night's sleep "
YeH my had our eldest at 15 and our daughter is now 22 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"not to want kids in our society.
Following on from the having kids thread, there seems to be a lot of focus on having children, as a woman it's a question I get asked a lot. I decided from a very early age that having children was not something I wanted. I've never had that 'broody' feeling or any desire to conceive.
So many conversations result in the same answers..
'Your young, you'll change your mind'
'When you get older, the maternal instinct will kick in'
'It's selfish not to have kids'
It seems as a woman, not wanting kids is an odd thing. I know my own mind and it's not going to change.
So do you see people differently if they don't want children? Have you ever wondered why people don't want them? Or is just being a woman means being a mother is expected of you?
Any thoughts..
Nothing wrong with how you feel about it, and well done for being open and honest.
Me and my ex wife's main issue was kids because we married young and she thought I'd 'grow up' and used all the usual clichés but I was open and honest from the start, don't regret getting divorced over it as we're in better places now.
My point is don't feel pressured and live to regret it even if you never tell anyone I know people who've had kids and can tell they regret it but they can never say it out loud.
Very true better to live with judgement than with regret. I think people see it as something that your mind can be changed on but it's not the case. Good for you for sticking to your guns.
Thank you, some people just don't have that parental chip in them, nothing wrong of course. I thought it was mainly my autism that caused it but I did a lot of research into it and it's perfectly normal. Enjoy your life to the fullest"
I know I'm not wired to have children, I wouldn't cope with it and that's something I'm not afraid to say. Just do whatever makes you happy and content |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I had my son very young - he is now 20. Many people seem confused and astounded that I have not and do not want any more. Especially when all my friends are getting married and having babies they think I should want that too. I'm more than happy to babysit and adore the kids as my own - but then hand them back and go home to get a full night's sleep "
Yes people have told me that too.. as soon as they have the first, people want to know when the second ones coming! Another reason why I couldn't do it, I love my sleep too much |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As a person with kids,
I always say each to their own. I won't look down on someone for not having kids. It your body, so your choice. Not everyone elses.
I didn't want kids at first, but i did change my mind after a slight accident. Doesn't mean everyone else should have kids.
My friends are now just getting round to having children and i do get asked will i have another. Even though i did announce i was in hospital after having the snip done.
Society will always have a little quip no matter what you do... xx
Just do yourself and sod everyone else xx |
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I think it's selfish to have kids is you don't want them. Being a parent is a true labour of love and you need to be all in.
I love being a parent and always wanted kids but that's me. It should be totally acceptable to make your own decision either way. You don't have kids to give someone grandkids.
None of my kids right now seem that interested so I may never be a grandma and of course that's a bit sad but I would NEVER say anything . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My daughter doesn't want kids.
And I'm 100% supportive.
Having kids is hard. Really hard.
Our first was a biological instinct. We stopped using protection, we were acting differently and it was all subconscious.
I don't regret my kids but I was pretty much a 14 Yr old in a 26 Yr olds body.
My friends were getting twatted at festivals and I was watching the fimbals |
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One of my daughters shes 29 this year has said from young age she dont want any! Other family members have said she will change her mind later! I said she wont! Obviously I know her well and she wont ever change her mind! I'm very proud of her outlook on life! X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"From my point of view it's not something I'm bothered about. I'd probably ask 'why?' (I'd also ask someone 'why?' if they said they definetly wanted children) but just out of interest.
In society it should be acceptable but is probably still seen as an 'odd thing' to not want children.
Another question could be do some feel pressure to have children when they don't want them?
Pressure is the thing, especially from parents. I think their desire to be grandparents doesn't allow them to accept it's never going to happen. I can imagine a lot of people have had children because its what society expects of them.
My daughter told me a few years ago that she didn't see herself having kids (she's 36). It saddened me a little but I'm not surprised - she has never been maternal but loves children as little people. She is very maternal to her cats though and loves any animals. I would never pressure her or tell him I would have loved to have a grandchild - its her choice.
I did get a little dog though - shes my surrogate grandchild
Yeah we have 2 dogs and I class them as my kids "
I’ve got 1 dog and 2 cats. They only whine half as much as kids |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"One of my daughters shes 29 this year has said from young age she dont want any! Other family members have said she will change her mind later! I said she wont! Obviously I know her well and she wont ever change her mind! I'm very proud of her outlook on life! X"
That's exactly my situation to.. everyone tells my mom I will change my mind, but she knows me and respects my decision. I know all parents want to be grandparents but when they put that to the side and support you, its amazing. Your daughters lucky too |
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